January 05, 2006
Honest Achmed Has A New Site!!!
Honest Achmed and his dysfunctional Arabian family are back for "Survivor: Panama, Exile Island!! To find out more and to see this upcoming season's recaps and commentary, log on to www.honestachmed.com
Hope to see you soon!
May 17, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Finale: "Let's Blow This Thing And Go Home!"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Is it finale time already? All the weeks of watching, and now it comes down to this? How will we amuse ourselves without whiny, pampered Americans to make fun of? We will finally have to go back to our sheep-tending, camel-trading, and marketplace drudgery! Cousin Radul will have to keep us entertained with his one-man version of "Forever, Patsy Cline!" For now, however, be of good cheer. Honest Achmed and clan are here to close out another exciting season of "Survivor!"
We have finally caught up to date from the mishap wrought from Honest Omar. Ismira managed to locate all the "Survivor" episodes we missed while our antenna was not working. Using her internet prowess, Ismira soon provided us with freshly-burned DVDs of each episode and we had an all-night marathon with lots of Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew. It was certainly enlightening.
We watched Janu quit, after a seventeen-hour Tribal Council. We cried as Stephenie was voted out. And everyone except Ismira laughed as Gregg was blindsided. We booed as Katie tried to backstab her friends, and we cheered as Tom and Ian turned the tables on her. Food and Arabic curses were flying across our tent all night. Now we feel whole again!
To make up for lost revenue from "Honest Achmed's Pay-per-view," I had a brilliant idea. After we watched the DVDs, I took them to the village square and began to auction them publicly. A crowd of hundreds quickly gathered around my camel, and the bidding war commenced. Within minutes, townspeople desperate for the lost episodes had raised the selling price far beyond my wildest expectations. When all was said and done, our favorite female shiek had bid over one hundred thousand denarii for the DVDs!! I am now the second most wealthy businessman in our village!!
Moving right along as I count my new profits, it is time for our family's final awards of the season. Ismira's Strategic Award goes to Jennifer this week, for simply keeping her mouth shut at Tribal Council. With all the alliances floating around last week, she was not in any of them. Still, she managed to keep quiet while Caryn self-destructed.
Radul's "Diva of the Week" must go to Katie, because of her tremendous performance as "the woman scorned." She batted her eyes and boo-hooed to the point where she had Ian prostrate on the beach, begging for forgiveness. In doing so, she made everyone forget how SHE wanted to betray the alliance a few days before. Diva, diva, diva!!!!
My "Dumbest American Move" this week, obviously, goes to Caryn. Being the lone vote in a group of five should be a very strategic place to be in, but Caryn couldn't pretend to commit to either side. A note to Caryn; next time, LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH! On top of that, her explosion at Tribal Council all but assured her ouster.
Cousin Hassim's "Cruellest Son-of-a-djinn" award goes to Tom, for his overbearing threatening of Katie to guarantee her vote. Granted, by Hassim's standards, it was pretty lame, but it was a change of pace for Dudley Do-right the fireman!
As this final episode approaches, my family members have placed their bets on who will be the Sole Survivor. We have all placed a week's wages in a basket, and the winner will take all! I only realized later how unfair this was; while I am making a fortune, Cousin Radul works for 2 denarii and a box of Twinkies a week! Even Azidi earns more than he does!! Hassim threw in a box of fresh mortar shells, just for good measure.
I have chosen Tom as the winner, for I believe the jurors will respect his solid game play. Ismira and Azidi like Ian, because he is the only man left close to their age. This is not Ismira's usual strategy for selecting a winner, but her laptop has been busy downloading episodes and she cannot run her usual calculations.
Cousin Radul wants Katie to win it all, because she is the only true drama queen left in the game. He can't wait to see her cry and roll around on the floor if she wins the million dollars. Hassim, on the other hand, firmly believes there will be one final twist, and that Wanda will return, singing incessantly until they give her the money just to shut her up. I think we can safely rule THAT out.
And here we go!! Who will come this far, only to have their dreams shattered? Who will leave the game bitter and broken? Will Ian ever bathe again? An immense forture (and a box of mortar shells) sits in the center of our tent, ready to be claimed; let's get started!!!
The beginning of the end begins on Day 37. No more nightvision!! Well, for a few minutes, anyway. The Final Four are waking up to a new day, wondering who will eventually be crowned Lord of the Rats. Katie is glad Caryn erupted like a volcano last night, because it shows everyone that Ian betrayed her. WARNING: Denial meter overload!! Does Katie not think that this is exactly what she was going to do to Tom and Ian? I'll bet she thinks she got this far in the game on her survival skills, too.
Ian knows he took some hits last night at Tribal Council, but is okay with it. Now that he looks like a semi-bad guy, Tom is now the target. Ian feels good! Yes, loyal fans, denial is running rampant at the Koror Camp.
But enough psychoalanyzation; Tom and Ian are cooking clams for breakfast! As they stir the chowder, they hear a bloodcurdling scream from the forest. Hoping that something terrible has befallen the females and they can avoid the last two Tribal Councils, the men rush into the jungle. To their dismay, the women are alive and crying over an ice chest of breakfast food and booze. Like true survivors, these folks immediately pop open the booze and begin guzzling. They celebrate by screaming, hugging, and doing the "cabbage patch" all the way back to camp.
After a decadent breakfast courtesy of CBS, Tom goes into the jungle to purge. Ian, trying to impress the ladies, lounges in the hammock and brags about how Tom "is the homey goin' DOWN!" while making appropriate rap gestures. If Ian wins immunity, Tom is history. The women bow down and begin chanting "We're not worthy... We're not worthy!" Privately, Ian tells us that if TOM wins immunity, he will continue the tribal tradition of buttocks-smooching. A wise move, but I am thinking if Tom gets wind of this, he will lift Ian by the throat, say "You disappoint me," and leave him in a dead, crumpled heap on the ground.
Before Ian can do anything else stupid, we arrive at today's Immunity challenge. Waiting for them is another BRAND! NEW!! CAR!!! But wait, this time Probst is just taunting them. They get to smell the car, but that's all. This car will go to the winner of the entire game. Oh, and by the way, you can't have the million-dollar check that's in the glove compartment, either. Katie tries to slip it into her pocket anyway, figuring she can forge Les Moonves' signature when she gets home.
Today's challenge is an exercise in confusion. Ready? You will be tied to a rope. The ropes are tangled with each other. They go through tires. YOU will go through tires. Get the key rings you find. Wind your way to this mysterious tower that suddenly appeared in the Palauan jungle and unlock three locks. Climb up to find more ropes. These ropes have been tied by a Japanese bondage master. Untie them without hanging yourself. Climb up to find a huge Palauan fishhook. Swing it at your opponent. No, wait, sorry; use it to snag 4 ladder rungs on the ground. We forgot to tell you about those, and you passed them by. Build a ladder to the next level, even though Ian could scale it in one step. The first two players to raise a surrender flag on the top level move on to the second round. Confused? So are we. GO!!!
Everyone takes off. Everyone, that is, except Katie, who can't fit through the first tire. Too much clam chowder! Tom, Ian, and Jenn snake their way through the tires and ropes, quickly gathering the rusted key rings. Tetanus alert! As always, Tom pulls out to a slight lead. As always, Katie is so far back that Probst has forgotten about her.
Tom is through the ropes. Ian is through the ropes. Jen is through the ropes. Katie is through the first tire! Tom unlocks the three bars and continues. Ian and Jenn soon finish the bars. Katie wishes she was drinking at a bar. Tom is working through the knots. Ian is working through the knots. Katie is working through self-esteem issues. Tom, Ian, and Jenn are up to the grappling hooks. Katie has stopped at IHOP for the "Palau Pile O' Pancakes." Tom and Ian quickly retreive the ladder rungs using the hooks, while Jennifer realizes this is WAY too much like fishing and simply stares at the hook in her hand. Sure enough, that strategy doesn't work HERE, either, and she is out of the game. Tom and Ian race to the top of the tower and advance to the next round!
The next round involves sliding down a rope all the way back to where Katie is, and getting a bag of numbered tiles. Put the numbers in correct order, and it opens a combination lock and gets you a flag. Hoist the flag, and you're in the Final Three! That is, unless you do something stupid like giving your Immunity away at Tribal Council.
GO!! Ian and Tom slide down the ropes and grab the bags at the same time. They both dump their bags and begin working. Tom's numbers are 1, 45, and 13, and he starts arranging. Ian looks at his numbers: 4, 5, 15, 16, 23, and 42. He panics and realizes that he is a cursed man. Tom figures out his combination, gets the flag, and this challenge is over!! Probst hands the necklace back to Tom, turns to the others, and begins singing "Hit The Road, Jack."
At camp later that day, Tom is preparing Jennifer for slaughter. He tells her it's nothing personal, he just made a promise to Ian and Katie. Oh yeah, and to Gregg too, but we'll just forget about that one, okay? Ian opens his mouth and prepares his foot as he says he doesn't know what he would have done in Tom's position. Tom finds this an odd comment; after all, everyone is supposed to abide by their agreements until Tom votes them off, right?
Jenn jumps at the opportunity to point a finger at someone other than herself. She tells Tom that Ian planned on voting him out. The truth; what an interesting strategy! Unfortunately, it's a strategy that rarely works on "Survivor." Tom is infuriated by this revelation, and immediately confronts Ian. Ian s-s-stutters ag-ag-ag-ag-again, f-f-f-f-fi-fi-fi-fin-n-nally admitting that he did indeed say that to Katie and Jenn. So either he lied to Katie or he lied to Tom; either way, it's bad news. Azidi says, "Dolphin-boy is SO screwed." Azidi, watch your language!!! However, I believe she is exactly right.
Late into the night, they finally arrive at Tribal Council. Probst wonders what happened. Katie says it took three hours to pry Tom's fingers from around Ian's throat. Tom relates how Ian tried to betray him before he got a chance to betray Ian. Ian tries to defend himself, but nobody can understand him through the stuttering. As Ian drops to his knees and begins begging for mercy, Jenn is happy with the turn of events.
Katie, however, is unhappy that Ian's antics are pulling the attention away from HER. Diva till the end! She taunts Ian that she will vote against him, and then it's time to vote. Bye-bye, dolphin-boy!! Ismira and Azidi are about to lose their chance at our basket of money! I am home free!
The votes are read, and to my surprise, it's a 2-2 tie between Ian and Jenn! Tom voted for Ian, but Katie didn't! Probst says, "try again, morons,' and they give it another shot. Still 2-2. Isn't it late enough already? Thinking quickly, Probst orders Ian and Jennifer over to the fire barrels left over from Stephenie and Bobby Jon. The first person to light a fire and burn through a string can stay and starve with rats. The loser gets a warm bed, gourmet meal, and a hot shower. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. I am upset at this challenge, though; Jennifer can start a fire with about as much skill as Ismira!
Sure enough, Ian quickly builds a fire and his piece of twine is history. So is Jennifer. Probst snuffs her torch, and the pert little blonde heads down the path toward an ice cream sundae. Probst sends the others back to kiss and make up. I am not sure that is going to happen.
Once again, I am correct. Back at Camp Ratopia, Katie and Tom continue to browbeat Ian until he is a blubbering mass laying by the campfire. Katie does a fantastic job of "shifting the blame" by lambasting Ian for his conspiracy against Tom when SHE was a part of it, too! They try well into the wee hours of the morning to make Ian confess to his crime. Tom requests that they turn the cameras off like they did for Janu so he can beat a confession out of Ian, but the CBS producers won't allow it. Grumping, Tom goes to bed.
It's daylight again, and Ian is still sitting crying by the fire. Katie tries to console him by saying that even you're a rotten, stinking, filthy, cheating, no-good, backstabbing 9-foot-tall liar, would you please still take me to the Final Two with you? It doesn't cheer Ian up, so he leaves to get treemail. Along the way, he cries some more about how he didn't want to be the bad guy. Note to Ian: In "Survivor," EVERYONE is a bad guy! Pardon me, but his whiny Americanness is showing through.
The treemail says to paddle out to a secret island and collect the burnt-out torches of all the Survivors that have been eliminated. The CBS producers have hidden them under a rock arch out of view of the spyplanes of Dan Bollinger so he couldn't zoom in on the nameplates and figure out who was eliminated and then tell mersaydeez. At least that's what Ismira says. Anyway, they are to grab the torches and throw them into the lagoon, saying something not-too-catty about each contestant while further polluting Palau's marine ecosystem.
The three last castaways eventually find the torches, but realize that they have no idea who most of these people were. As they throw the torches overboard, they do the best they can. They remember "The Really Scary Black Chick, the Girl With The Huge Boobs, Coconut Boy, Tall Lazy Blonde Chick, Disgruntled Postal Worker, Tatooed Freak Lady, The Redneck, Token Black Muslim Guy, Mr. Snotrockets, The Gay Hairdresser, The Stripper That Quit, She-Who-Cried-To-Stay-In-The-Game, That Guy We Backstabbed And Blindsided, The Blabbermouth Lawyer, and That Guy We Backstabbed And Blindsided's Girlfriend."
One ridding the canoe of all the excess ballast, the trio finally discover Probst floating on a dock in the middle of the lagoon. Nearby are three floating buoys. Probst welcomes them and explains the challenge. "Stand on the buoys." And you thought it was going to be complicated, didn't you? They begin!! The next 12 hours are the longest in Survivor History.
To make the challenge marginally more interesting, Probst first orders up some wind to knock the Survivors off their perches. That doesn't work. Next, he tries rain. Still nothing. The Survivors have gone into a trance-like state. Jeff asks if any of them are ready to come down. Collectively, they say "Bite Me!" After 4 hours, they are still hanging on. Probst orders a bottle of champagne and settles in for a long night.
At 5 hours, Katie decides she has had enough. Once she is certain that Probst isn't going to offer anyone beer, pizza, or drugs, she leaps off her buoy and climbs up onto the dock. It's down to Ian and Tom, who are fast asleep. 7 hours go by, then 8. This is already the longest challenge in Survivor history. Tom wakes up and offers Ian a deal. If Ian jumps, Tom will take him to the Final Two. If he DOESN'T jump, Tom will hold Ian's head underwater until he drowns. Ian refuses the deal, thankful that Tom cannot reach him at the moment.
At almost the twelve hour mark, Ian has formulated a brilliant plan that will solve everyone's problems. If Probst will give him a pistol, he will commit suicide. Tom approves of this idea, but I think Ian was just kidding. His REAL idea is even more hare-brained. Despite the fact that he has been hanging onto this pole for half a day, he will jump off if Tom promises NOT to take him to the Final Two. Yeah, that's WAY better than Tom's idea!
Tom is no fool. He quickly agrees to the idea before Ian becomes sober again, and Ian swan-dives into the water. Tom is the winner!! Climbing onto the dock, Tom decides to eliminate Ian right then and there, with no Tribal Council. Probst agrees to dispose of Ian's body, while Tom and Katie head back to camp.
Tom and Katie decide to sleep in late, because the only thing on the agenda before Tribal Council is the ceremonial torching of the camp. Both players are worried that the jury members might not like them. For Tom, it's just paranioa. For Katie, reality is beginning to set in. She plans on telling the Jury how hard she worked, how evil Tom really was, and how she deserves to win. Okay, maybe reality isn't quite setting back in yet.
Katie and Tom secretely decide to steal several items from camp before the CBS vultures confiscate everything for sale on e-bay. They each pack up a basket of souvenirs, then burn the picnic table. Torching the entire shelter would certainly bring the Palauan EPA down on them, and besides, they can leave it in place for "All-Stars 2." The Survivors take a moment to reminisce about all the fish, the clams, and Mary Ann's coconut cream pie. Then, it's into the canoe and off to the final Tribal Council.
A
t Tribal Council, Probst explains the rules. First, each player has a chance to grovel and beg for the jury's vote. Then, they will have to endure endless verbal abuse by 7 people who couldn't play the game well enough to be in the Final Two. Once the jury has finished embarrassing themselves, it's time to grovel and beg for their vote one last time.
Tom begins by saying that he played hard. If he hurt anybody, it was really Ian's fault for lying to him. The jury seems to buy it. Katie makes her case that she hid behind Tom the entire game. I'm sorry; I thought she was supposed to be CONVINCING the jury! After this nonsense, it's time for the jury's questions, comments, and rants. It goes something like this...
Coby: Tom, you're a better liar than me. Katie, you're worthless. Katie and Tom both make faces at Coby.
Gregg: Tom, you broke our alliance! Katie, you're worthless. Tom: I broke our alliance because Ian lied. Katie: But I rode Tom's coattails, that should count for something!
Stephenie: Tom, why didn't you take ME to the Final Two? Oh, and Katie... you're worthless. Tom: I kept you until Ian lied to me. Katie: Can't anybody say anything nice about me?
Janu: Tom, did you compromise your integrity? Katie, describe yourself without using the word "worthless." Tom: My integrity is fine; Ian lied. Katie is sobbing.
Caryn: Tom, what was I to you? Katie, why should I vote for you, other than the fact that you're worthless? Tom: You were a pawn to do my bidding. Bwahahahaha! But Ian lied. Katie: Can I just leave now?
Jenn: Tom, you're a male chauvinistic pig. Katie, what was I going to say? Oh, yes... you're worthless. Tom: Thanks for the compliment. But at least I'm not a liar like Ian.
Ian: Tom & Katie, why should I NOT vote for you? Katie: Ooh, ooh, I know this one! Because I'm worthless! Tom: Because my best friend out here was a liar.
Before this can go on all night, it's time for closing remarks. Tom thanks the jury members for their time, and says that he was just being himself, and not a liar like Ian. Katie simply moons the jury box. And with that image forever burned into our retinas, it's time to vote. We see Coby voting for Katie and saying something very catty. Sorry, Coby, no "Diva" award next week! All the other votes are hidden from our view. I tell my family that they are all for Tom as I begin to reach for the money basket in the center of the tent. Ismira swats my hand away.
Probst gets the votes, but there is no tallying to be done tonight. Cruel son-of-a-djinn that he is, Probst is going to make them wait three months for the results. Now, go take showers!!! Our beloved host takes the voting box and heads into the jungle...
Only to emerge just next door at David Letterman's theater! Had the contestants known it was so close by, they could have listened to Dave's monologues every night instead of James' snoring!! Probst greets the Survivors, who all look fed and well-rested after receiving conjugal visits from their loved ones. He begins to read the votes. TOM. Much cheering. KATIE. A little cheering. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. Tom wins!!!!!!
As Tom rushes off the stage to hug his wife and kids, another wonderful season draws to a close. It has been an honor once again to be with you this season, and thank all of you for inviting my dysfunctional family into your computer each week. We look forward to "Survivor: Guatemala" this fall. Wait a minute... Probst has just announced that CBS is accepting more applications for upcoming Survivors. Ismira, get the video camera! We have work to do!! See you in Guatemala!!!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
May 12, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 13: "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Dumped For A Firefighter"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Curse you, Honest Omar!! May your lineage be striken with large noses, acute acne, and varicose veins!! I must apologize for being out of contact these past few weeks, but it is not of my own doing. Things in my village have been in turmoil since the latest antics of my fiercest business competitor, Honest Omar. Heavy sigh... Where do I even begin?
It all began when Honest Omar decided he wanted some of my incredible profits from "Honest Achmed's Pay-Per-View" of Survivor. Too miserly to obtain his own satellite dish, Omar decided to illegally tap off of mine and begin supplying viewers with "Survivor" for a lower price! Late one night, he snuck to my antenna and began working on it with a pair of pliers and a ginsu knife. I am betting you can guess what happened next...
The satellite dish shorted out, smoke began billowing up like an oil well on fire, and our link with the outside world disappeared! No television, no Internet connection, no telephone, but most of all, no "Survivor!" My village immediately went into a panic. Riots in the streets, looting (not MY shop, thankfully), and camel dung in the streets! When word got out, Honest Omar was a wanted man. The last I heard, he went into hiding somewhere in the mountains of Pakistan.
Ismira went into information withdrawal, retiring into her tent and curling up into a fetal position. Her laptop went completely unused for days. Cousin Hassim went into a furious rage, and filled his car with explosives. He drove it to Honest Omar's shop, intent on causing serious mayhem. Fortunately, his car was a 1968 Buick, and it was built so well that the explosives barely put a dent in the upholstery. No harm, no foul.
Cousin Radul, on the other hand, took the loss the hardest. He went into crying hysterics for days, and we finally had to send him away to a day spa on Cyprus. Upon his return, he was doing much better. Radul claims that while at the spa, he slept with Paula Abdul, but we are skeptical. Regardless, he is feeling better and has a nice, even tan.
All seemed lost, including my pay-per-view fortune, until we received a visit from the folks at "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." Having somehow heard of our predicament, they decided it was a good enough sob story to warrant their participation. For two days, Ty Pennington and his crew descended upon our village, not only fixing our huge satellite dish, but painting it light blue with a nice faux-crackle finish. We also now have a sun deck and three-camel garage! It would have been a perfect visit, but then Ty Pennington had to take his shirt off. Now, Ismira is in love!!!
Our connection with the world restored, the last two days have been spent catching up. Ismira hit the Internet, wailing and lamenting at the lost Survivors. First Janu, then Stephenie, and finally her boy-toy Gregg!! She began crying in earnest over the latest loss until she remembered Ty and his "delicious abs." And to make matters even worse, she says, someone named "Boone" died as well! I do not remember which tribe he was on.
Ismira says she can get our missing "Survivor" episodes from the Internet, and has spent all yesterday mumbling about bitrates and something she calls "torrents." I am not sure; the last "torrent" I saw washed through our village, killed three bedouin, and polluted the main water well. Anyway, I wish her luck.
My daughter Azidi now has a clever plan. She is considering making wagers on the episodes with all her classmates. AFTER she has watched the downloaded episodes, of course. Once we show the lost episodes on pay-per-view, she will win all the bets. I told her that was sneaky, dishonest, and that she was taking unfair advantage of those children she calls friends. I am so proud of her! You see, "Survivor" can be a good influence!
And so it is that that my clan is back in business, ready to bring ourselves up to date with this guilty pleasure known as "Survivor: Palau." We have a long-overdue buffet to end all buffets, and Hassim has burned three more effigies just this morning. What twists and turn await us as this season draws to a close? Will Tom and Ian continue to dominate? Will they ever get that darn hatch open? Cousin Radul is showing off the hickey he got from Paula Abdul; let's get started!!
My family has never been so happy to see the off-color bluish-grey sight of rats gnawing on coconuts as we are today. We cheer for joy as we are greeted by the sight of the rodent-fest that is the Koror camp. Our favorite anti-heroes are trudging back to camp after voting off Gregg. (Now stop crying, Ismira. Remember Ty.) Even more upset than Ismira is poor, clueless Jennifer, who cannot fathom the fact that anyone would consider Gregg a threat. She is shocked, bewildered, mentally at a loss, and totally confused. And now that Gregg is gone, she's even more so. To her credit, she manages to hide her emotions under her well-practiced mask of cheery cluelessness.
While Ian is relieved that they pulled a fast one over on Gregg, he mistakes Jenn's clueless demeanor for a strategic poker face. He is sure that Jennifer has something "up her sleeve." Personally, I do not think she has any room up the sleeves of that bikini top she is wearing; it barely holds the essentials!! Ian is worried about the possibility of a female alliance outnumbering him and Tom. I want to shout at the HDTV that they never should have gotten rid of Stephenie, who would have been loyal! Ian says that if they can make it through the next 24 hours, they will be safe. The PMS always passes.
The day starts out early with Tom and Caryn sitting on the beach NOT TALKING STRATEGY. Did you believe that? I don't think the rest of the tribe does, either. Tom is telling Caryn that Katie is out of the Final 3 agreement, and Caryn is now in. His thick New York accent makes it difficult for Caryn to realize that he's chuckling maniacally through the entire discussion. He tells her that he is sure Ian will agree to the arrangement.
Ian, meanwhile, is telling Katie and Jennifer that Caryn needs to be the next one to go. Oops, someone's not comparing notes! The women try to convince Ian that Tom needs to be the next one voted off. Ian, in what will prove to be a recurring problem this episode, begins stuttering and saying he might vote Tom off, but s-s-still w-w-wants C-c-c-carrrryn out.
Back to Tom, still convincing Caryn that she's in a solid position. No stuttering. Tom is a MUCH better liar than Ian. Caryn seems to trust Tom. Excuse me, but has she never watched "Survivor" before? Trust no one!! She truly believes she is in solid with Tom and Ian. She says she is "guardedly optimistic." I know we have missed a few episodes, but I can still smell the decidedly bitter odor of "foreshadowing."
Before this odor can permeate the entire camp, it's time to collect treemail! Tom and Ian collect the message, which hints of food and a good view. Maybe they're heading to that volcano on Vanuatu again! The live one with the weenies, not the dead one with the chicken wings... Regardless, the two men finally stop to compare notes. If one of them should win the reward, they will bring along one of the women, to prevent an all-female alliance from forming in their absence.
Ismira approves of this move; she reports that several players have lost the game at this point because they were away from camp while an alliance was being formed against them. Tom decides that he will take Caryn if he should win. Ian says he will take Katie. Tom is not sure he trusts Katie. Ian is not sure he trusts Caryn. Katie certainly doesn't trust Caryn. Nobody trusts Jennifer. I personally don't trust Radul about the whole Paula Abdul thing. It's like a weird "Honeymooners" episode!!! They eventually decide they will BOTH stay at camp and let Probst take the reward by himself. Ian feels like he's on the edge of a cliff without his parachute. Sorry, Ian, that's "Fear Factor."
At the Reward Challenge, the Survivors see that this time, they're playing for... a big white tent. While they pretend it's just as good a reward as a can of Pringle's, Probst drops the tent to reveal... (close your eyes and envision "The Price Is Right") "A BRAND! NEW!! CAR!!!" (okay, open your eyes again.) It's a shiny, Little Red Corvette! Ismira immediately jumps up and begins imitating "the Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince." I am repulsed, but at the same time strangely intrigued...
Along with the car comes a trip to a fancy mansion atop the highest mountain on the island, where the winner will spend the night. Sorry, no Pringle's. To win today's grand prize, the contestants must hop on unsafe bamboo rafts and paddle out to buoys using only a long stick. Then, they must lean off the raft, untie a canvas bag with a heavy mile marker sign inside. Bring it back while playing bumper-boats with your fellow contestants, also armed with long sticks. Somebody's gonna lose an eye in this one, we just know! When you've collected five, figure out how many miles it is to all the cities that Rob and Amber visited on "The Amazing Race" and still didn't win. Put the right mileage under the right city, and YOU win! (Still sounds like one of those "Price Is Right" games...)
GO!!! They're off!! Well, at least Tom and Ian are. The three women are figuring out which end of the long stick goes in the water. Caryn and Jenn immediately begin playing bumper boats, losing time. Katie has momentum working for her. Wait, I'm sorry; that's AGAINST her. Tom and Ian have their first piece back on shore. Caryn is getting tired. Tom and Ian have two pieces on shore. Katie is going in circles. Caryn and Jenn are busy re-enacting "The Monitor and the Merrimac." Ian and Tom have three pieces on shore. Wait a minute, Jenn has two pieces! How did THAT happen? Whoa, even Caryn has one! Katie has decided to simply poison someone and take THEIR place on a raft.
Ian has 4 pieces, and Tom tries throwing his piece to shore to gain ground. He shoots... he misses! Ian now has all five pieces!!! Katie is catching up; she has her first! (Ooh, that was sarcasm. I have not lost my touch...) Ian unwraps his pieces and quickly figures out that New York is further away than the Koror camp. He puts the mileage signs quickly in their place and wins the reward. He runs to the little red corvette (Ismira, for Allah's sake, stop singing!) and begins embracing and kissing it erotically. This man needs a girlfriend very badly. The good news is, with this car, he might get one!
Probst tosses him the keys, saying "get a room!" Ian slides into the drivers seat, sweaty, smelly body and all, as the CBS leather-cleaning crew winces in disgust. To absolutely no one's surprise, Probst offers him the chance to take someone along for the adventure. We hold our breath. Will he choose Caryn, like Tom suggested? Or will he choose Katie, whom he promised earlier in the game? After a prolonged (well, it seemed that way, at least) agonizing decision, he chooses... Tom? Ismira is shaking her head in disbelief. So is Katie, although it appears she is taking it a bit more personally than Ismira. Well, so much for THAT brilliant plan. Hassim is shouting at the HDTV screen, comparing Ian's mother to a deformed animal of some kind. Not to fear, though; even if Hassim figured out where Ian lives, his 1968 Buick could not make it all the way there.
As the men drive away to go "cruise chicks," the ladies are sent back to camp with lovely parting gifts of... well, nothing. I am thinking Ian just made a serious mistake.
Like any man out cruising chicks, Ian is not thinking about the girl he left behind. He and Tom are enjoying the buffet of food that awaits them at the mansion atop the mountain. They relax on the veranda, sipping champange and wondering if they should bring home chicken bones for the women to suck on. Tom, while happy to be here, realizes that they must work hard on Katie now to bring her back into their alliance. Ian says he will work to soothe Katie's irritation. As a man with a harem to constantly attend, let me just say this: I do NOT want to be Ian right about now.
Sure enough, Ian is not a very popular man back at the Koror campsite that evening. Katie is venting her frustration by chopping coconuts, pretending they are Ian's head. Or perhaps some other body part. Seeing her vulnerability, Caryn begins cross-examination. She gets Katie to admit that she had a Final Three agreement with Tom and Ian. Both Caryn and Jennifer are shocked to hear this. Caryn, because she thought SHE had an agreement. Jenn, because she never considered getting into an ALLIANCE with someone. What a cool idea; someone could win the game with a concept like that!
Katie is angry that the women didn't band together to eliminate the men when the Survivor count was at 7. Again, the booting of Stephenie is coming back to haunt them. Is Stephenie the ONLY one who saw this coming? Katie suggests that the women team up now to kick out Tom or Ian, whichever doesn't win the next Immunity. Why didn't Tom or Ian forsee this and prevent the women from getting together? Oh, never mind; I am getting hoarse from shouting at the television screen.
The women all readily agree to this new plan, but Caryn tells us privately that she is unsure. If she goes with the women, she will be in the Final Three, against two opponents who really stink at challenges. If she goes with the men, she will be in the Final Three against two men who have won more challenges than Colby and Rupert put together. She can't make up her mind. Ismira simply puts her head in her hands, while Hassim begins firing up his lighter.
Early the next morning, Tom and Ian are walking down the beach back to camp. I did not realize the mansion was within walking distance! The corvette is in the shop getting detailed (Ian wanted spinners.) The others are asleep, but Caryn is waiting for them. Tom is expecting his usual "here's what they said about you" report from Caryn, but instead, she launches into full lawyer mode and begins questioning Ian about the Final Three agreement. Ian's s-s-stutering p-p-p-problem kicks in again as he tries to bluff and convince Caryn she's solid. Azidi says she wants to play poker one day with Ian; she would get rich!
Caryn, of course, doesn't buy it, and storms off. Tom slaps Ian upside the head, and says that Ian must work on Katie even harder, because they just lost Caryn. Ian says, "Really? I thought I was convincing!" SMACK!!! Upside the head again.
Undaunted, Ian eventually convinces Katie to talk with him alone on the beach. She is angry for him breaking his word and not letting HER sweat on his new leather car seats. Poor Ian is obviously not very good with women, and stutters his way through an apology. Getting on his knees, he begs for forgiveness, offering to wash her underwear for a year if she will forgive him. He made a mistake, he's so sorry, he'll never do it again, it was just a one-night stand with Tom, it meant nothing! Katie says she's not sure; they had an agreement, and he broke it.
At this point, Ismira hits the "pause" button on the Tivo, and informs us that she learned that just last week, KATIE planned to betray Tom and Ian and go with Gregg and Jenn to the Final Three! It was only through a shrewd act of gameplay that Tom and Ian forced her back onto their side. Armed with this new information, we now boo, hiss, and throw cous-cous at the television screen as Katie continues to whine. Eventually, however, Ian's embarrasing groveling manages to soothe Katie's anger, and the two hug and make up. Ian skips back to camp, whispering, "Cha-ching!!!"
Tom and Caryn are off to collect tree mail as as day 36 begins. Tom is trying to get information out of Caryn. How is Katie doing? Is she back on our side? What does she really want for her birthday? Does she prefer flowers or candy? Wait, that was an easy one... candy! Caryn is not talking. She tells us that she is confident in the strength of the women's alliance. Just yesterday, she was confident in the alliance with Tom and Ian. We all know what this sort of indecision means...
The tree mail hints of a challenge involving memory and agility. "Uh oh" for the guys. Tom's next move is to reinforce Katie's loyalty to the Empire. Breathing heavily, he tells Katie that if she votes against them tonight, she will be executed. Katie says that wasn't part of the deal. Tom says, "I am altering our deal. Pray I don't alter it any further. Oh, and by the way... I... Am... Your... Father..." Katie doesn't like being strongarmed like this, at least not without dinner and a movie first. And there's no way in Hades that Tom is her father; they don't even have the same last name!!
Ian is not comfortable with Tom's new approach, either, and wonders what Tom is becoming. He ponders whether he should battle Tom in a spectacular, special-effects-laden fight and force him into a huge lava pit, but decides it would just be too messy. This is "Survivor," not "Parcheesi." That's right, Ian; in Parcheesi, there are RULES!!
With no further ado (there has already been too much ado already), we are at the Immunity Challenge. Today, it's a series of swinging bridges and floating platforms that Jeff Probst copied from an "Indiana Jones" movie. I look, but I fail to see a huge, rolling stone ball. The Survivors must race across the obstacles, then memorize the positions of tiles on a grid. Then race back and re-create the tile pattern at their home base. Then race back and memorize more tiles, praying that Probst hasn't changed their tiles back home. Then race back and forth a few times to figure which tiles they've screwed up. If, by random chance, someone actually gets the pattern right, they can have Immunity. If not, Probst will give it to Julie Berry.
At the word GO!!, Katie and Caryn fall off the first rope bridge. Actually, Katie gets tangled in the web-like ropes and spends the rest of the contest waiting for Shelob to come and eat her. Tom and Ian race across and memorize a few pieces, then head back. Jennifer makes it across and starts memorizing the entire board. We'll see which strategy pays off. Tom and Ian (why are these two always together?) have made a second trip and have more pieces in place. Jennifer is still burning the images into her brain. Tom and Ian have made a third trip, but Tom falls as Ian makes it back. Ian finishes the board and shows it to Probst, who just laughs. He must go back. Tom finishes the board, but is also wrong and has to go back and check. Jennifer is back putting pieces in place, but can't figure out why it isn't spelling anything.
Ian makes it back and rearranges his board. Probst keeps laughing. Darn it! Tom, after a couple of nasty falls that make him forget what it was he was looking for, eventually makes it back and makes a few corrections. Caryn is now crawling on her hands and knees. Katie is wrapped in a thick, white binding waiting for orcs to come and pick her up. Probst checks Tom's board again and proclaims Tom the winner!!! Everyone applauds for Tom except Katie, who can't move.
Back at camp, Tom is understandably relieved. He knows, though, that Ian may be going home if the women decide to stick together. Even now, Ian is still apologizing to Katie. I'll be good, he promises. I'll even go to counseling with you! Whatever you want, dear! Katie will make no promises. My clan is still booing and throwing food items at the television. Radul says that Ian is "whipped," but I have no idea what this means. To me, they ALL look tired.
Caryn is unsure about how Katie will vote. Caryn knows she might be in danger herself if Katie votes the wrong way. Well, Caryn, maybe you should, oh I don't know... DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF JUST SITTING THERE?
Thank Allah, it is time for Tribal Council. Probst introduces the jury, including recently departed Gregg. Gregg winks at Jennifer, holding his hand to the side of his head and mouthing the words, "Call me." Probst dives right into the fray between Katie and Ian. Ian, why did you do such a stupid thing? Katie, you're really really really really mad, right? Ian k-k-k-k-keeps ap-ap-ap-ap-p-p-pologizing. This is getting painful to watch.
However, it is at this moment that Caryn decides to do something about her predicament. Unfortunately, she has picked the worst possible time and place. She suddenly begins venting about how she is tired of all the lying. Ian is lying about the final two agreement, Tom is lying when he said she ratted the girls out, Probst was lying when he said there would be hot showers, and her hairstylist was lying when she said ALL the women would be wearing their hair like this!
Tom and Ian try telling the truth, but Caryn will have none of it. She doesn't want to think she did anything wrong, and can't fathom that someone would actually LIE in the game of "Survivor!" Jennifer is wisely keeping her mouth shut as Caryn quickly digs her own grave. Katie is now confused, and doesn't know what to think. Probst assures her that's just a side effect from the spider poison.
Before Katie can throw up, it's time to vote. We see Caryn voting for Ian, and we see Ian voting for Caryn. No surprises there. After Caryn's outburst, I'll bet everyone wants her gone!
And I am right. When the votes are read, it's 4-1 and big-mouth Caryn is going home. If only she had tried to side WITH Tom and Ian, she'd probably still be in the game. Hey, fourth place is better than fifth place and looking like an idiot, right? Without a word to her tribemates, Caryn heads down the dark path to oblivion.
We can breathe now!!! Next week (actually, in just a few days), the Final Four slit each other's throats for the grand prize. We see much boozing, and we also see Ian confessing to Tom that he told the girls he would vote Tom out. Wait a minute... Are Ian and Katie really brother and sister and Tom is father of them BOTH? I can't wait!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
April 15, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 9: "Only Their Hairdresser Knows For Sure"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
This is too painful to watch! Like a horrible camel accident on the side of the road, with twisted limbs and humps strewn everywhere, one is horrified by what has transpired. Yet, in a strangely macabre sense, we keep our eyes glued to the carnage, wanting to take it all in so we can tell all our friends "what a cool thing we saw." Such has been our time this season with "Survivor," a bizarre roadside accident that has claimed the lives of eight (count 'em, eight) members of the strong, buff, and soon-to-be-gracing-the-covers-of-decadent-magazines-everywhere Ulong tribe. We will endure, however, as yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Ethiopian Exporter, leads you once again on this perilous journey we call "Survivor: Palau!" Let the foolishness begin!
All the eyes of our village were on Cousin Radul this week as he traveled to a neighboring village to compete in something he calls "Arabian Idol." It is a cruel, heartless, talent competition judged by Abdul Ramman, Sheik Salah Abdul Fahala, and Paula Abdul. Against our better judgment, Radul entered the contest under the pseudonym "50 Shekel." Much to our surprise, he made it to the semi-finals by narrowly beating out Nikko Smith, who was really peeved about losing for a THIRD time. His only serious competition was the albino belly-dancer. (Yes, the same one that competed on our "Survivor: The Sahara."
Radul's downfall came on day 5 when the singing category was "Songs You Sing In The Shower." Radul sang a thirty-minute medley consisting of all the songs from "La Cage Aux Folles." Abdul Ramman said it was "hideous, a complete disaster, and an insult to gender-challenged people everywhere." Sheik Salah Abdul simply committed suicide on the spot. Paula, of course, loved it, and now wants to take Radul home with her as a pet. The competition was immediately cancelled, and the albino belly-dancer was quickly crowned the winner by default.
Speaking of the albino belly-dancer, her tribe did fairly well in "Survivor: The Sahara." In the first team Immunity Challenge, the tribes were forced to run through an obstacle course consisting of a snake pit, a live mine field, and a mud crawl. (We wanted ratings, just like Mark Burnett.) Tribe "Kessdara" (goat dung) easily breezed through the obstacles, while tribe "Swa-bakk" (nasty water) had serious difficulty and barely finished the course. Swa-bakk was sent to Tribal Council, where they were forced to choose between the guy who had just lost both legs in the mine field, or the woman who was bitten by poisonous snakes and was oozing infection even as she sat waiting for the vote. Before I could read the votes, the woman keeled over and voting was unnecessary. I simply said "The venom has spoken" and she was carried away. Oh, the unscipted drama!
On to more pleasant things. This week's "Diva Award" was given out by my daughter Azidi, because Radul was away wreaking havoc on "Arabian Idol." Azidi chose Stephenie as "Diva of the Week," for her spirit in surviving to the very end. She is a very determined young woman, and my family hopes she lasts a while longer. Azidi hopes she takes it all! I tell her that there will not be another "Chris Daugherty" this season, but she has no idea what I'm talking about.
The highlight of last week's episode, "The Great Water Debate," provides us with the three remaining awards this time around. Ismira's "Strategic Award" goes to Tom for his wisdom in suggesting that the tribe use the pure water for drinking instead of showering. It will save his tribe more trouble and free them up for other things, like shark-hunting. Besides, didn't the tribe already HAVE a shower they could have been using?
Interestingly enough, Hassim is giving his "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djinn" award to Tom as well. Hassim laughed as Tom forced his whiny, crybaby, capitalist American pig tribemates to use old water instead of fresh water to shower. In my village, water is so scarce that we re-use the same bathwater for three months!
And my "Dumbest American Mistake" award goes to Jennifer. She has been mostly silent to this point, but her first expressed opinions were not good ones. She was very upset that she couldn't use the holy water for bathing, because apparently she and Gregg had a hot date that evening. She was also upset that the shower water wasn't provided by "Dasani." This attitute will quickly wear thin on her more wilderness-oriented tribemates.
And on we go. Last week, we watched in perverse fascination as the Ulong duo lost everything possible in the episode, including language skills and personal hygiene habits. We watched as Stephenie and Bobby Jon danced around the camp singing, "Snotrockets in flight; afternoon delight." We watched as Stephenie beat Bobby Jon in individual Immunity and became the final Ulong standing. A dubious honor, but an honor nonetheless. Will Stephenie have to continue surviving on her own? Will there be a merge? Will Tom and Ian declare martial law at the Koror camp? Radul has begun singing again and is dancing around in a chartruese feather boa; let's get started!!!
Ah, glorious night! Ah, glorious empty camp! Stephenie is arriving back at camp "camel wreck," scared that she will be spending the night with only several lonely cameramen to keep her company. She manages to restart the embers of a fire that she and Bobby Jon left, contrary to the advice of Smokey the Bear. The fire comes to life, though she is afraid Mark Burnett will sneak into camp while she is asleep and put it out for more dramatic storytelling. She finally falls asleep, armed with the machete under her head, just in case. She says she is not a quitter, and she will fight. Ismira says there will be no "Ostens" this time around.
A new day finds Stephenie reinvigorated, carving the letters "EPMB" into a nearby tree. Alas, one of those dangerous wandering coconuts has ventured into camp, and Stephenie spends the morning hacking at it with the machete. She is worried that if no more coconuts wander into camp, she will starve.
Meanwhile, over at Camp Cornucopia, the Koror tribe is... eating again. Apparently, winning has its drawbacks. They have had to listen to Caryn's voice and endure Coby's thong for over three weeks now. There is a general malaise around camp because no one has had to worry or strategize for almost a month. Tom and Gregg are studying fish hooks as the highlight of the day.
Coby is tired of all this non-work. He has been single-handedly making fire, getting water, bringing home fish, replacing Janu's IV bag, and touching up Jennifer's roots, with no help from anybody. Talking to Caryn at her weekly salon appointment, he says he's going on strike. He is getting angry at having to work all the time when all Tom and Ian do are kill sharks. The tribe is getting no more work out of him; right after he finishes giving all the women a bikini wax.
My HDTV has seen enough of Coby, so the scene switches to Stephenie, who must give HERSELF a bikini wax if she wants one. Oh, and find food, make fire, and get water, too. No time for shark hunting! She tries her luck at fishing, but Bobby Jon has emptied the lagoon when he caught that ONE fish a few days ago. She sees a coconut in a tree, and we spend several minutes laughing at her as she tries unsuccessfully to coax it down to the ground. Eventually, she must climb the tree to retreive it. After cooking up another skillet of pulp du jour, she has herself a good cry. Our hearts are touched, but only for a moment.
Then, the divine hand of the Almighty (Mark Burnett again) intervenes. When Stephenie goes to collect the day's tree mail, it is a note saying to pack all her stuff and head over to the Koror camp. Elation sets in as she begins to dance for joy. She prances up and down the beach, kicking her legs in the air and singing "One Singular Sensation." Next, she scrambles to collect all the valuable items the Ulongs have collected in three weeks. After that thirty seconds is over, she loads up the canoe and follows the CBS map out into the water. How she is paddling this nine-person canoe all by herself is the biggest mystery of the season thus far. Cousin Radul swears he sees CBS scuba divers under the boat helping it along.
The next thing we see, Stephenie's canoe is making ground at the Ceasar's Palau Resort. Valet parking takes over from here, and Stephenie wanders past the karaoke bar, shopping gallery, and health club to where the tribe is still sleeping. Waking them up, she is greeted to cries of "Welcome!", "Hi!", and "Darn, I lost the bet; I thought it would be Bobby Jon." It is such a tremendous, momentous occasion that even Janu stirs from the hammock.
Stephenie has brought a mystery package for Koror to open. Hassim believes it is a gift-wrapped rat to add to Koror's collection. Radul believes it will be new underwear for Coby. Azidi swears it will be an Apple I-Pod. We are all proved wrong when it turns out to be a new, brown buff for Stephenie to wear. For the first time in Survivor history, a tribe has been completely wiped out, and there is no need for a merge or a new tribe name. Ismira immediately points her web browser toward CBS.com, hoping to purchase a crateload of the green camo buffs that were manufactured but now will never be used. Buy as many as you can, Ismira! They will soon be collector's items!!
The tribe gathers around the new buff like it is a gift from the heavens, smelling it and remembering what THEY used to smell like. Ian swears that he can see an image of the Virgin Mary in the camo patterns. Steph, however, wastes no time in stripping off the old blue buff and quickly donning the new, fresh, possibly-a-holy-relic one. The tribe decides that the old Ulong buff will be sent to the latrine to be used as toilet paper.
Jennifer and Katie give Steph a tour of the grounds, showing her the cabin, the latrine, the shower/drinking water area, and even the golf course that the crazy fat guy built. Steph likes the attention, but is worried that she is the odd person out in this group. Coby, Mr. "A catty mood for every occasion," is jealous of all the attention Steph is getting, and vows to get even by showering even MORE attention on her. He will tell her everything; all the alliances, all the backstabbing plans, and even the secret location where Twila buried the plantains. Azidi rolls her eyes and says, "So NOT the drama."
Coby's devious and evil machinations are interrupted by the sight of a U.F.P.O (Unidentified Floating Palauan Object.) No need to fear, it's just two fat natives on a makeshift raft paddling with bamboo sticks. It's Joe and Edwin (two popular Palauan names), and while they obviously know nothing about paddling, they are fishing experts. They are here because... well, we're really not sure why they are here, except that CBS thought the traditional merge foodbasket would be overkill after the custom-built cabin and tanning beds.
Joe and Edwin get to work showing the guys that the best way to catch fish is with BAIT. The Survivors marvel at this breakthrough concept. They fashion tiny grappling hooks from the fishing gear. Tom and Gregg realize that simply STARING at the hooks probably wasn't the best way to catch fish, after all. Note to self: Always trust the fat guys on how and where to get food.
The natives offer to take the men out to USE the bait while the women stay on shore and catch MORE bait. The natives aren't sure where Coby fits in, so he ends up on shore with the rest of the girls. He is NOT happy with this turn of events, and has what Ismira refers to as a "hissy fit." The rest of the tribe thinks that just maybe, he's not entirely stable anymore.
Meanwhile, the concept of using "bait" has proven very successful. Joe and Edwin are reeling in fish after fish, and soon even the Americans are doing it too. They return to shore with a basketful of fresh seafood. They try to go out again, but unfortunately Katie has eaten all the bait she caught. The fish are thrown on the fire to cook while Joe shows the Survivors one more Palauan ritual... getting roaring drunk on a couple of bottles of rum.
Tom likes this ritual. While the others sip the rum, the firefighter guzzles the bottle like my father-in-law drinks Milk of Magnesia. The others are feasting on the fish while Tom spits and sputters and tries to say "Vita-meata-vegemin." As a tribute to the World War Two heritage of the islands, he tries singing "There Is Nothin' Like A Dame," but it is off-key and totally the wrong tempo. He staggers to the ground before he can continue with "Bali Hai" or "Happy Talk." He finally falls to sleep and we can all rest our ears.
Early the next morning, however, Tom is up, relatively sober, and back to work. Joe and Edwin are preparing to leave, and much hugging and hand-shaking commences. Tom encourages them to stop by again, but the natives agree there are way too many rats here. And then there are the rodents, too. They paddle off, and Tom and Gregg go back to staring at the hooks again. Heavy sigh...
Coby decides the time is right to strike with his ingenious plan, "Tell Stephenie Everything and Make Myself The Most Hated Gay Guy In Camp." He calls Steph away from her daily spa treatment and begins spilling the beans about Tom's alliance, Gregg's plans to betray Tom, and that Wanda was right: all these people are really Hollywood models. Stephenie takes it all in, then goes back to Katie and reports what Coby said. Katie is upset; how can SHE get to be a Hollywood model?
Later, Steph talks to Tom. He assures her he has fond memories of his foursome with Ian, Katie, and Steph, and would like it to continue. The CBS producers are told to edit that part out when the episode airs in Tom's hometown. Tom's wife may be as violent as Brian Heidik's! Stephenie is confused; EVERYONE seems to be on her side; Janu has even offered her the hammock! Will wonders never cease? She doesn't know who to believe. Stephenie, welcome to "Survivor!"
This beautiful day of "let's play tug-of-war with Stephenie" is interrupted for one of those pesky Immunity Challenges. This one looks to be interesting. Platforms have been erected in the water, and sharks have been imported into the area. Blood will be poured in the water to drive the sharks into a feeding frenzy, and Probst will shoot at the survivors with a bazooka to knock them into the water... Sorry, that was Hassim's FANTASY of the challenge. In the REAL one, the Survivors will simply see who can stand still the longest. So much for it being interesting.
Probst retires the wooden monkey, after finally letting Stephenie touch it just once. She moans in delight... He produces Ian's sharktooth necklace from Episode One as the new Immunity talisman. Jolanda's necklace is missing; the ingrate took it with her as a lovely parting gift. Whoever wears the necklace is safe from the vote tonight, though not necessarily a fashion diva. Probst pulls up a chair to further taunt the contestants, and a Swedish massuesse appears to gently massage his shoulders. Now fully relaxed, he waves his arms, and the thrill-a-minute spectacle that is pole-standing commences.
Thank Allah for "time elapsed." After one hour, Probst pulls out a plate of donuts. Coby asks if a strong, sexy policeman comes with them. Regardless, he jumps in the water to get the treat. Janu leaps into the water as well, complaining that her back hurts. Yeah, laying around on it for three weeks will do that!
At one hour and thirty minutes, Ian offers to strip for chocolate and peanut butter. Probst tells him that shtick has already been taken. And by a swimsuit model, not a DNA experiment gone awry. Keep your clothes on, freak! Coby offers to strip for another donut. Katie offers to strip for a chance to be a Hollywood model. Tom offers to strip for more rum. Gregg offers to strip if Jennifer will. Caryn offers to strip if the two fat Palauans will come back. Janu declines to strip; she's on vacation, after all. Stephenie wonders if she can go back to Ulong.
At 2 hours and 30 minutes, it is getting dark. Probst reveals a plate of cookies and milk. Praise be to Allah, no one strips, but Ian, Gregg, Jenn, and Katie all jump into the water. It's down to Steph (who needs Immunity desperately), Caryn (whose lawyer instinct won't let her quit) and Tom (who is holding out for another bottle of rum.) Probst produces a steaming hot pizza, and the contest is over. Jennifer and Caryn scream and jump off the platforms. 
They scarf down carbs and cheese as Probst hands the necklace to Tom. I personally suspect that this is not the last time we will see Tom the Titan wearing that necklace.
After only one commercial break, we are suddenly at Tribal Council. No time to see any last-minute deal-making, last-minute pleading, or last-minute catfights. The Tribal Council is once again full of chairs, and the personalized Ulong nameplates (except for Stephenie's) have been removed. Probst is eager to ask questions to a NEW group of people for a change, so he starts with Stephenie. Scared? Heck, yes; I'm from the other tribe!! Jennifer, jealous? Heck, yes; she's from the other tribe! Coby, scared of Steph? Heck, yes; she's more of a man than I am, and she's from the other tribe! Jeff very clearly makes his point that Steph will be an easy vote. Steph grumbles under her breath.
He asks Janu who is the most worthless person around camp. (Like he doesn't know already.) She says it's ME, and begins singing "Show Me The Way To Go Home." However, she is too worn out to do the accompanying Rockettes high-kicks. Probst then asks Steph why she gave up Immunity for a pizza. Steph says she's given up more than THAT for a pizza back in college. Ooooookaaaaay.... He reminds her that after all, SHE IS AN EASY VOTE!
Probst asks Tom if he wants to give up the Immunity necklace. Maybe for pizza AND rum? Tom glares at Probst, and vows to call "Uncle Tony the Enforcer" when he gets back home. Probst quickly changes the subject and tells them it's time to vote. The group looks stunned, so Probst has to remind them that's what we DO here at Tribal Council, after all. It' s been so long, they've forgotten.
We see Ian voting for Coby, mumbling something very Mafia-like and invoking Uncle Tony's name again. We Janu voting for Stephenie, although she is so weak from all the strenuous labor that she has trouble holding the pen and writing such a long name. We see no other votes, and this leads my family to believe that a surprise is afoot.
The votes are read. One for Stephenie. She looks crestfallen, darn it, I just GOT here! One for Janu. She looks like she WANTS to be voted off. Then one for Coby. He smiles and shrugs it off. However, he cannot shrug off the OTHER six votes that come his way, and Probst calls him up for the ceremonial snuff. He tells his tribe, "Thanks for the compliment," which is denial-speak for, "I guess being a royal pain-in-the-butt wasn't the best strategy after all, was it?" My family cheers as Cousin Hassim sets fire to a little straw figurine wearing a thong.
Next week, Janu is extremely upset that nobody voted to send HER home, and lets everyone know it. She may just get her wish! There is some teasing about a celebration with food (like these people need any more food.) And Probst introduces a new twist: the loser of a challenge will be exiled to live alone!! Let's hope it isn't Stephenie again!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
April 08, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 8: "One Is The Loneliest Number" (a.k.a. "The Decimation")
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
The pressure is on!!! Who will emerge victorious, when this is all said and done? For whom will the final votes be cast? From this crowd of potential winners, who will be chosen? Hurry, Radul, finish watching the Iraqi elections so we can get back to "Survivor: Palau!" Yes, Iraq is moving into a new era of its history, but my family is much more focused on this season's "decimation" of Ulong!! Records are being broken left and right; no tribe in "Survivor" history has ever been this bad. My family is already looking down the line, trying to predict the two sub-tribes into which Koror will eventually split! And at the center of it all is yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Discounter of Damascus, here to make sure you have all of the proper insights along the way!!
We have not seen much of Ismira this week. She has been busy in her tent, administering her Internet chat room, "Survivor Hunks vs. Those Who Blow Chunks." Apparently, there has been a heated debate brewing among the participants in this chat room. On one side are those readers who believe that Bobby Jon is indeed Jesus Christ Reincarnated. Some readers claim if that is the case, he would have gotten booted out on Good Friday! (Those readers were obviously Muslim Arabs.) The "Bobby Jon" fanatics are adamant in their opinion that he is the best-looking "Survivor" ever to hit the islands. This group was led in the chat room by a member named "bj4ever," until Ismira realized it was actually Cousin Radul and banished him from her website.
On the other side of the argument are those who think Tom the Titan is the manliest man that "Survivor" has ever seen. Just ask the sharks of Palau! These folks claim that Tom is just like "Rupert with a brain." The Internet debate soon escalated into a fevered frenzy, overloading Ismira's bandwidth and causing a short in our antenna dish! Cousin Radul has spent the better part of two days trying to track down the blown-out antenna components. I hope he gets it repaired soon; the only television program we can get right now is a local broadcast of "Wheel of Torture."
My daughter Azidi is still following in her father's footsteps. This week at school, she made a fortune selling those little rubber bracelets to all her classmates. Truth be told, she ordered a surplus supply of black vacuum cleaner belts and was passing them off as "bracelets of mourning" for the Ulong tribe. None of her classmates suspected the truth, and she ended up having to order fourteen more cartons from "hoover.com." Next week, she will sell them all candles and hold a midnight prayer vigil for the terminally ill Ulongs. This summer, she will work in my shop full-time!!!
Enough bragging from a proud parent; it's time for our weekly family awards! Ismira quickly gave her "Strategic Award" this week to Stephenie. As soon as she realized that Bobby Jon was considering breaking their agreement, she wasted no time in offering Ibrehem a certain deal: Why let Bobby Jon have control of the game when WE can take control and vote him out? Strategically, it was the perfect move to make, even if Ibrehem didn't end up going with her on it.
This week, Cousin Radul is giving his "Diva Award" to Katie. Her originality and creativity finally came in handy to help her team win last week's reward challenge. Her only problem, as Radul sees it: Her "weight loss" plan for the game is being thwarted by an overabundance of food at the Koror camp! Maybe Tom could be her "Pilates" instructor for the remainder of the game...
And speaking of Ibrehem (Yes, we were; check a couple of paragraphs ago!), he gets the "Dumbest American Mistake" award this week, for the above-mentioned incident with Stephenie. While Stephenie realized the danger they were both in, Ibrehem was oblivious to the fact. He turned down a "sure thing" offer to instead hope that Bobby Jon would stay true to his word. Now we remember how THAT turned out, don't we class? If he would've sided with Stephenie, he would still be in the game, might have made the merge, and lasted a lot longer. But unfortunately, he'll never know...
And finally, the "Cruellest Son-Of-A-Djinn" Award from Cousin Hassim. He looked at the Koror tribe, possibly the nicest tribe in "Survivor" history, and could not find the slightest trace of cruelty. Even Coby and Caryn have been keeping their nice-nice faces on. Over on Ulong, it would even be too heartless for HASSIM to call one of THEM "cruel." Hassim has several OTHER names to call them, however. Finally, in frustration, Hassim gave the award to the most deserving player he could think of. Himself.
Last week on "Survivor: Palau," Koror dominated Ulong in every possible way, with a variety of their members getting the chance to humiliate the other team. Gregg and Jenn's romance is heating up, but the other Koror members are starting to take notice. Ulong is down to two tribe members. will we see the first one-person tribe in history? Will Ulong's worst fears be realized? Or will Stephenie wake up from a bad dream and find she's in bed with Bob Newhart? Radul has fixed the antenna dish with duct tape and one of his gold tooth fillings and Ismira is back on line; let's get started!!!
The first thing we see is our beloved Bobby Jon lighting a fire, because it's... night again. At least my dark-blue nightvision HDTV says it is. Stephenie is busy thanking him for keeping her around and sticking to her word. She fails to mention that she tried to vote HIM off tonight, but Ibrehem wouldn't cooperate. Bobby Jon says she never had anything to worry about; he gave her his word. Privately, he tells us that he only kept Stephenie around because there was sure to be another water challenge soon.
Still, spirits are amazingly high, or else they have breathed in too much campfire smoke. Stephenie is optimistic, and tells Bobby Jon she still thinks they can bring home the victory. Heck, they can't even bring home all their tribe members! Yes, this is "Survivor" honesty! After the pair have lied to each other enough for one day, it's time for bed.
Day 19 dawns upon a fly-infested, decomposing shark's head and the sights of playful little rodents enjoying the bounty of coconuts strewn about the area. Yes, it's the Koror camp, where "Koror" is Palauan for "Section 8 Housing!" Koror has so much food, a lot of it is going to watse. Don't they know people are starving in Ulong?
Coby, always the one with an opinion for every occasion, is disgusted with the cleanliness (or lack thereof) around camp. Coconut scraps are everywhere, the shark's head is no longer the attractive conversation piece it once was, and Tom's dirty underwear have been dropped on the floor of the shelter. Where is June Cleaver when you need her?
Coby moves the shark's head and guts away from the camp, even though he knows King Tom will not be happy. He grumbles about how he does EVERYTHING around the camp, getting water, getting firewood, hunting, cleaning, and trimming everyone's toenails. He is waiting for a pumpkin-carriage to show up and take him away from all this, and maybe he will meet a handsome prince. As for the evil stepsisters Jenn, Katie, and Janu, he wants to push them all into the fire, primarily because that would be less firewood he will have to collect today.
Before Coby can be fitted for his new pair of glass slippers, we are suddenly at a Reward Challenge. Cousin Radul rewinds the Tivo box to make sure we didn't miss anything, but there was indeed no warning. Ulong's two remaining players enter, ready to win as always, and then Koror begins filing in. No wonder the episode needed all the extra time it could get! They keep entering the clearing like those clowns that come out of the little car at the circus. Finally, everyone is here and Probst can explain the rules.
The Survivors will have an eating challenge. We do not know what to make of this, but Ismira is positively giddy, and says it is the time-honored "Gross Food Challenge." Sure enough, Probst explains that the Survivors will be eating "Balute," a native delicacy which is essentially a duck partial birth abortion. Sounds tasty already. The players will eat one, then two, then three, then four of these abominations, and the players that don't hurl breakfast all over the host will score a point. Stephenie is already regretting the stop at Shoney's Breakfast Bar on the way to the challenge.
The prize today will be a huge drum of fresh water to bathe in, as well as shampoo, deodorant, mouthwash, toothbrushes, and toothpaste. I don't know about these Survivors, but take it from my family: Fresh water is for DRINKING, well water can be for showering! Why waste it on showering? Perhaps this is a little test from Probst to see how foolish the Survivors really are.
Tom the Titan and Ian the Invincible will do the eating for Koror. Bobby Jon and Stephenie ask if they can finally sit out a challenge. After the laughter from Koror dies down, the players line up, ready to munch and crunch. Tom and Stephenie hit the table first, and both down their half-formed duck fetus. Yummmm... Radul is not looking. Bobby Jon and Ian are up next, and after a little trouble, down two of the not-quite-omelets. They are fine, but Radul has snuck a glance and is now looking queasy. Tom and Stephenie are up again, and Tom is enjoying the taste. He and Steph gobble down three, while Radul has his hand over his mouth by this time. The score is tied. Ian and Bobby Jon hit the snack bar again, and this time, they slurp down four of the viable tissue masses. Radul has just spewed Buffalo Lamb and dried dates all over Yamiin's new persian rug. Luckily, where we come from, the rugs are not an imported item.
It's time for a tiebreaker!! Tom will go up against Bobby Jon. Bobby Jon looks defeated already. Whoever can down 5 of the ducklings dujour the fastest will win the game. GO!!!! Bobby Jon forces all five eggs into his mouth at the same time. Now Cousin Hassim is even looking faint. He (Bobby Jon, not Hassim) chokes, spits, wheezes, and gasps for air as Tom continues to steadily eat his hor d'euvres one at a time. Tom is down to his last duck! Hassim is unsteady. Bobby Jon is trying to force the mush down his throat with his hands. Tom opens his mouth wide; he is finished!!! Hassim adds more mess to Yamiin's new persian rug. She decides to simply roll it up and throw it away.
Bobby Jon is staring open-mouthed at Tom, with duckmush dripping out. He looks genuinely angry; at least, as angry as one CAN look with a face full of crushed fetus. Probst sends the losers away as he passes Tom a bottle of mouthwash. The Koror tribe grabs the basket and begins deciding who will get to shower with whom as they make their way back to camp. We go to a commercial break as a massive clean-up effort is underway in my tent. Azidi, grab the "Febreeze!"
When the stench is gone from my tent and the mess finally cleared away, we find ourselves back at the Koror camp. No mention of the rats this time; Coby has had all of them turned into coachmen for his upcoming trip to the palace. The Survivors are oohing and aahing over the toiletry items, like they've never seen the inside of a medicine cabinet before. Ian begins drinking the orange-flavored mouthwash before the other players can convince him it's not pina colada concentrate.
Then, they notice the huge steel drum full of water over their shower stall. The cameramen are ready for the girls to immediately strip and leap into camera range under cascading water. More oohing and aahing commences, this time from the cameramen.
But the feast of flesh is not to be. Tom takes a defensive pose inside the shower stall and demands that the water be used for drinking, not showering. Finally, a smart player! Ismira wonders, though, if he should have taken such a stand. We will see. Jenn is NOT happy with this decision. SHE wanted to take a shower, then play in the water tank like those women on "Petticoat Junction." They decide to vote, and Tom reminds them of what happened with the shark. The vote is unanimous; they will drink the water!!
Over at Ulong, Bobby Jon is still angry that he keeps losing to Tom. Tom is such a macho guy, it makes Bobby Jon feel like a girly man. Another girly-man loss like this, and Coby may stary hitting on him after the merge. The very thought sends Bobby Jon into a rage, and he vents his frustration and homophobia by chopping huge bamboo trunks with an axe. Soon, there is more discarded bamboo than at the "Gilligan's Island" set strike. Stephenie, while grateful for all the firewood, is worried that he might start sleeping with the axe at night, and she might not MAKE it to the merge.
Before Bobby John can become a serial killer, we switch back to the Koror camp. They are hard at work NOT taking showers. Combined with their personalities, their body odor is beginning to make camp life uncomfortable. It seems they are all busy preparing to battle each other when the game becomes individual. Tom the Titan and Ian the Incredible steal away to have a "State of the Union" session. Ian reports the coconut harvest is up 12 percent, that shark futures are down, the tribe still smells, and oh yes, Gregg and Jenn are quite likely to turn on us at any moment.
The two men discuss having previously had a foursome with Katie and Stephenie on Day 1. While the CBS producers scramble to find erotic footage they somehow missed for the highlights DVD, we learn that it was actually a Final Four agreement. If Stephenie makes it to a merge (provided that Ulong doesn't self destruct before that time), she can join their group and it will take the rest of the tribe by surprise. Heck, they might even let her use the mouthwash AND the hammock!
The next day, we spend the entire day at the Ulong camp. One would think with only two people to dwell on, nothing interesting would be happenning. One would be wrong. Bobby Jon is providing all the entertainment necessary for this fun-filled Survivor day. His string of losses has short-circuited something in his brain, and he has reverted to caveman status. He no longer bathes, and eats crab shells and burps. His new name is "Ooga" and he spends the day dragging Stephenie around by the hair and beating his chest.
Additionally, he has taken up the admirable new hobby of shooting "snotrockets." Apparently, this is some sort of nasal projectile that Ooga has perfected. He goes around camp, blowing "snotrockets" around the bedding area, fire area, eating area, and into Stephenie's buff. Ismira suspects he is simply "marking his territory." Cousin Radul grabs his stomach again and heads outside.
Azidi loves this new word, "snotrocket." She plans on taking it to school for show and tell. She says all her friends are "snotrockets." Her teachers are "snotrockets." She will even trick her fellow students into a Gross Food Challenge, featuring... I go outside to join Cousin Radul.
When I am feeling better, I return inside to find Stephenie lamenting their pitiful state. Tearfully, she says it's just her and "Ooga" now, and Ooga doesn't even speak English anymore. She wants to get their canoe out into the water so she can drown her teammate, but the effort just isn't worth it. For the time being, she will live with the snotrockets.
Day 21 dawns, and we see Stephenie and Ooga trying to catch some food. Ooga manages to spear a small fish, and the pair find a mysterious 20-pound clam that the CBS producers "accidentally" dropped on their beach. Not looking a gift clam in the mouth, they take it home and cook up clam and fish for lunch. The food invigorates them, and Ooga slowly transforms back into Bobby Jon speaking English. Or speaking Alabama, anyway.
Just in time, it seems. A note, written in English, is in the tree mail box. It is a puzzle, saying something about "Sink Or Swim." They are optimistic, and think without Ibrehem, they might have a chance in a water challenge. They know they are tough competitors. Do I even have to ask the obvious question here? Okay.... THEN WHY HAVE YOU LOST MORE CHALLENGES THAN ANY TRIBE IN SURVIVOR HISTORY? Whew, got that out of my system.
The Immunity challenge is next. Probst announces that Immunity is back up for grabs. No one really believes him anymore. The monkey is already inching his way back to the Koror mat. Today's torture, er, challenge will involve swimming underwater to collect bags of heavy puzzle pieces. Grab each bag and carry it over balancing pontoons back to shore. Assemble the pieces to form a word search puzzle. Look in the word search puzzle for pre-chosen words. Circle the words and find letters circled twice. Write the letters down. Convert them to Morse Code, then use the dots and dashes to form a distress signal that will attract a passing plane. Ask the pilot if he's "Got Food." Write the pilot's mother's maiden name in the blanks, then unscramble the letters to form the name of a pro football team. Remember the number of games that team won in 1992. Eat that many more duckmush eggs. Then, take the twice-circled letters and form a three-word answer to win the game!
Koror will play Coby and Gregg this time. Ulong, since Stephenie and Bobby Jon played last time... just kidding, get your sorry behinds out there and try not to embarrass yourselves again, okay? Koror ready? GO!!!
The teams hit the water with Stephenie and Gregg. Gregg comes back slightly ahead of Stephenie. Coby and Bobby Jon race out, with Probst commenting that Bobby Jon is "walking on water." We know which side of Ismira's chat room HE'S on! Bobby Jon takes the lead away from Coby. The other two head out again, and Stephenie maintains the lead. Coby and Bobby Jon go out for the final bag of pieces, but Bobby Jon can't find the last bag. So much for divine revelation.
Coby makes up lost ground, and the two teams are tied when they start assembling their puzzles. Ismira says Coby will pull ahead at this point. Sure enough, the scantily-clad hairdresser quickly solves the puzzle, and Koror begins circling words. Stephenie and Bobby Jon are turning the pieces over and over, looking for more "Survivor" trivia. Question: Which team was the worst ever in Survivor history? By the time they solve their puzzle and start circling words, Koror has all their letters found and is busy unscrambling. Stephenie tries cheating, but Coby says, "die, loser-girl!" and covers his board. NONE of Stephenie's strategies seem to work.
Koror, however, thinks they have won the game by spelling "A TASTY VOICER," although they have no idea what it means. They try "TASTE YO VICAR," but Probst doesn't allow that one, either. When "YOVIC EATS RAT" is not accepted, Coby swears it was a headline in his hometown Yugoslavian newspaper. Finally, by mere chance, Coby hits the board in frustration, and the letters fall in place to spell "VICTORY AT SEA." Koror wins again, while Stephenie and Bobby Jon are still trying to find the word "Ulong" on their word search.
Another day, another Immunity loss for Ulong. Probst, never having had a tribe of TWO going to Tribal Council before, begins making up rules on the fly. Tonight, there will be an Individual Immunity Challenge at Tribal Council. The loser of that challenge will be going home. The winner will be a tribe of one. We are not sure who will be getting the better deal.
The Korors go back to their hotel, er, camp to celebrate. They are positively giddy about how the gay guy, the lanky kid, the nanny, the showgirl, and the old white guy (Tom, not Willard) teamed up to beat the other tribe. The congratulate Coby on his challenge win, and the emotion overtakes him. He's never been on a winning team before, and has always quit things before succeeding. Tearfully, he is proud of himself, and decides to ask Tom is he wants to do "The Amazing Race" next, just like those other guys. His hugging and gushing cries of "I Love You Man," and "Free highlights and conditioner for everyone!" soon wear thin on his tribemates.
Lest Coby's emotional lapse make us forget what a catty, self-serving, conniving son-of-a-djinn he really is, we switch over to the Ulong Camp. They are wondering, for the umpteenth time, what went wrong. Tom didn't even play this time! Bobby John admits that NOTHING has worked for this tribe, not even the snotrockets. He is hoping tonight's Individual Immunity Challenge involves some sort of bodily functions, so he will stand a fair chance against Stephenie. The only thing he has going in his favor is that he knows how to make fire. Now, what kind of lame challenge would that be?
Stephenie is worried about how she will survive if she returns to camp alone tonight. Bobby Jon has been the one to take care of those things. She is scared at the thought of being alone. Bobby Jon, on the other hand, doesn't mind the thought at all. He could survive out here for weeks by himself, although he would soon revert back to "Ooga." On the plus side, he wouldn't have to worry about pesky things like personal hygiene, language, or clothing. Hmmm, Stephenie is scared of coming back alone, and Bobby Jon is looking forward to it. Everyone in my tent agrees that we are about to see the hand of irony tonight. It's every loser for themselves as the canoe heads out to Tribal Council.
At Tribal Council, Probst is as friendly as we have ever seen him. I guess even HIS cruelty has its limits. Or perhaps there's simply nothing else to say to these washouts. He tells them congratulations on being the Final Two, except that it's just of YOUR TRIBE, you losers. Can Bobby Jon survive? Yeah, I caught a fish and I can make fire. Can Stephenie survive? I don't know; when do I get to go live at Koror?
He asks what is the key to survival. After several wrong guesses of "toilet paper," "flavored dental floss," and "hemmorhoid cream," he finally gets them to say FIRE. What a coincidence; making a fire will be your Immunity Challenge tonight! They will each be given husks, kindling, and... matches. Whoever can't make a fire with MATCHES will be sent home to face nationwide humiliation. First person to light their torch wins. GO!!
Both players quickly pile up kindling and husks and begin striking matches. Probst says strike the rounded sulphur end, guys. Oh, sorry. Stephenie lights her fire, and soon it is growing large. Bobby Jon is having trouble lighting his kindling because it is now covered in snotrockets. Stephenie's fire lights her torch, and suddenly she is the Sole Ulong Survivor. Bobby Jon gets his torch, and Probst snuffs it out, even though the tribe has said nothing. Isn't this a violation of the "Survivor" rules somewhere?
Stephenie is faced with several questions as she heads back to camp alone. How will she paddle that canoe all by herself? Who will protect her from the vicious snakes, sharks, and wild coconuts? Who will she blame her next challenge loss on? All these questions and more, will be answered next week!!
Next week, according to the previews, it seems that Coby has a falling out with Tom the Titan and Ian the Irascible. I guess they won't be doing "The Amazing Race" after all! And at camp "Snotrocket," Stephenie is trying to cope with living alone, with humorous results (for us, anyway.)
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
April 01, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 7: "The Last Song Of The Once Strong But Now Wrong Ulong"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Oh, the horror! Must we keep watching as the competitors are whittled away, one by one? Must we watch the losers hang their head in defeat, trudging away into obscurity? How can we go on, knowing that only one will emerge victorious? Hopefully, the NCAA Basketball Championships will soon be over, and "Survivor" will be back on its regular night! These Thursday morning viewings are throwing our weelky schedules out of sorts. No work gets done in our village after "Survivor," as we are busy arguing about the episode, and these four-day weekends are cutting into the Gross National Product of our clan! Be that as it may, we are still here, ready and waiting to jump once again into another exciting episode, hosted by Yours Truly, Honest Achmed, the Tel Aviv Telemarketer!!
It has been an extremely busy week. Three days ago, Cousin Hassim and I launched the televising of our own version of "Survivor," entitled "Survivor: The Sahara." On the first episode, our sixteen competitors were hogtied and strapped to backs of camels and led into the desert for 342 miles to the camp locations. Unfortunately, Hassim forgot to untie our Survivors before leaving them, and two contestants died from heat exhaustion! The remaining fourteen immediately realized that OUR game would have even more twists than Mark Burnett's! One camel died as well, so that tribe had fresh meat for the first two days. In addition, we had to cancel our first Tribal Council because of the rough start. Just as well, though; cousin Hassim had not finished filling the Tribal Council pit with live scorpions yet. He assured me it would be ready by our second episode...
I am also VERY upset; I am now the laughingstock of my village! Last week, Ismira and my daughter Azidi entered us in the new local contest entitled "Trading Oasis." My worst fears were realized when we were indeed chosen from over four applications! For two days, we traded tents with that female sheik with the all-female harem from the other side of the village. We tastefully decorated her tent in flowing, rich Arab colors, festooned with gold filigree, and Radul even built an entertainment center for the Sheik's collection of "Lavern and Shirley" DVDs.
When we returned to OUR tent, however, we found it spray-painted in hot pink with posters of the "Village People" hanging everywhere! The front entrance to my abode now sports one of those fountains with the little boy urinating, and MY entertainment center is now filled with DVDs for something called "Debbie Does Damascus." The worst part is, we have to leave the tent like this until the television crews come to film it, and we have to pretend to be delighted! Ismira will never hear the end of this one...
Enough humiliation; onto our family awards. The recipient of Ismira's Most Strategic Award goes to... drum roll, please... Katie and Janu! During last week's Immunity Challenge, they realized that KNOTS, not wood, was the key to protecting the flag box, and stayed behind to tie a multitude of knots to their box while the other team faltered. This turned out to be the winning strategy, and eventually sent James home.
And speaking of Janu, she gets this week's highly coveted "Diva Award" from Cousin Radul. Although not exactly a fashion queen, her over-the-top hysterics after the storm were certainly attention-getting, scoring her huge Diva points. Then, she got herself together for the above-mentioned challenge, and well, you saw the result. Radul gave her the Diva Award though he comments that she could use some "surgical body enhancements."
The "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djin" award was very difficult for Hassim to decide this week. He says the Ulongs aren't cruel, they're just pathetic. He also says the Korors are too nice to even be considered. Eventually, he gave the award to Coby again, if only for his catty remarks about Katie's macrame and necklace making activities.
My "Dumbest American Move" this week goes to Stephenie. She promised Bobby Jon that she would vote with him, then changed her mind and voted with James, forcing an unnecessary tie. Then, she changed her mind AGAIN and voted against James at the tiebreaker. Now Bobby Jon and Ibrehem both know she's not trustworthy.
Last week on "Survivor: Palau," we were introduced to a new term: Ulonging. This tribe is getting picked off one by one BEFORE the merge. After winning a few cans of Pringles and a swimming trip, the Ulongs quickly fell back into routine and lost the Immunity Challenge. Stephenie made agreements with both factions in her tribe, and couldn't decide who to vote for. Eventually, she voted for BOTH Ibrehem and James in seperate votes. It's a long story. Anyway, poor James was sent on his way, and the Ulong tribe was down to three. Can it get any worse? Will Koror continue to dominate? Will we see any more puppet shows? Radul, turn off "Debbie Does Damascus"; let's get started!!!
Day 16: And I Thought Will Smith was "The Sharkslayer"
I sit down to begin tonight's episode after helping myself to some of Yamiin's Buffalo Lamb, and I realize I have completely missed the obligatory nighttime shots of Ulong returning from Tribal Council. My family tells me that there WERE no nighttime shots this episode. Already, this has thrown me off; what am I to do without my weekly dose of night-vision?
Alas, more mysteries await. It seems the Ulong cave from Episode 2 has reappeared, and the Ulongs are now permanently living there. It is the morning after they have voted James off, and they are desperately trying to convince themselves they have a shot at winning this game. Stephenie says they could still make it. Even SHE doesn't seem convinced. Ibrehem says everything happens for a reason. Yes, because of the reason that your tribe keeps losing challenges. Bobby Jon wonders if three people can even be considered a tribe. Stephenie says no, it's a "menage-a-troi." The cameramen get excited until they realize the Alabama boys don't speak French.
With no luck at Ulong, our attention turns to Koror. At least there's more PEOPLE here. Tom is exercising. Gregg and Jenn are snuggling. Katie is knitting decorative lace curtains for the shelter. This is not "Survivor," it's "Design On A Denari!" Ian is in the water, and comes up with a huge, meaty clam that tries to bite his leg off. Several members of the tribe pounce on it, and before the vicious clam can claim any more lives, they pry its mouth open. The next thing we see, one of Palau's national treasures is simmering in a stew pot.
However, the abuse of local flora and fauna does not stop here. While washing out the clam shells (Katie plans on using them for a new "Little Mermaid" costume) the clam's blood attracts more sharks. Ian and Gregg immediately grab sticks with nails and head out after the intruders. They succeed only in spearing Ian's foot, but their antics distract the sharks from the REAL threat. Tom the Titan has grabbed a machete and has snuck up behind the sharks (from behind.) He slams a shark with the machete, spewing blood everywhere, then wrestles it out of the water, puts it in a headlock, pile-drives it into the sand and shouts "Who's Your Daddy Now?" Gregg runs up just in time to watch Tom rip the shark's head off with his teeth.
Koror spends the rest of the day worshipping at Tom's feet. Tom, for his part, realizes that he is now seen as a powerful player, but there's nothing he can do about it now. Coby tells us that it will indeed be harder to vote Tom off now that everyone worships him. Tom posts the shark's head on a stick as a reminder to anyone who would try to vote against him.
Day 17 begins with treemail at both tribes. The message mentions something about building a signal...
because Ulong's so lame;
We had to give them a shot
at winning this game.
"Build a great signal,
and you'll be in luck;
If Ulong loses this one,
then they REALLY suck."
Ulong breathes a sigh of relief when they read their treemail. Finally, a challenge they can win!! They are so excited, they immediately begin tearing apart their shelter AND bathroom, figuring that the reward will be another professionally-built shelter like Koror got. Their plan is to send the entire camp up in flames. Ismira says that tradition should be saved for when there are the final two left at camp. Which at this rate, could be as early as tomorrow.
Since visibility and originality are the major factors in winning this challenge, the Ulongs decide to construct the word "Ulong" and hide it under the trees near the beach.Being the masters of self-deception that they are, they are convinced they have a winning plan. Ismira says now would be a good time to write "For a good time, call Jeff Probst" on the beach instead.
At the Koror camp, the tribe picks Gregg, Katie, and Caryn to work on the signal. Gregg, because he can chop and carry things. Katie, because she's funny, witty, and creative. Caryn, because they want her out of camp for a while. These three work on spelling out a tribute to the Palauan "FOOT GOD," which they accidently misspell into "GOT FOOD." Ian, meanwhile, is praying to said foot god to heal his shark-hunting injury. The rest of the tribe wonder how the project is proceeding, since they can't help. The puppet theatre is soon sacrificed to the foot god, as are the remaining kerosene and lanterns in camp. They hope to light their message on fire as well. And if Caryn should just HAPPEN to stumble in the fire...
Before long, Probst is flying overhead in a yellow Beechcraft with a Nigerian drug-smuggling priest... wait, wrong channel. Oh, here we are, Probst has Judge Judy with him this time to oversee the two messages. As they fly over the Ulong camp, both Probst and the judge can't see the message. They circle three or four times, then finally notice the word "Ulong" hidden in the trees. The tribe members are waving and screaming. Ibrehem waves politely at the plane. Ismira says somebody named "Clarence" would have stripped down to his "tighty whities." I have no idea who "Clarence" is or what "tighty whities" are, but he sounds like one of Radul's friends.
Next stop, the Koror camp. Ian is on his knees, pointing to the sky, looking up at Tom and shouting, "Da Plane!! Da Plane!!" Tom raises his coconut to the approaching plane and they toast. Meanwhile, Gregg is having a hard time lighting the fires at the altar of the foot god, and the tribe is certain they have lost the challenge. The judge, however, appreciates the fact that the group didn't simply use their tribe name (ahem) or hide the message in the trees (ahem.) Their message of "GOT FOOD" is prominently displayed. The judge nods to Probst, and our host pushes a crate out of the plane.
The Koror tribe cheers as they see the crate of food making its descent to their camp. Opening it, they discover a multitude of MRE packages (Meals Rarely Edible) and more wine so that Caryn can practice her monkey impressions again. After having only eaten ten pounds of clam and a twenty-pound shark the day before, the tribe is starving and immediately digs in to the supplies. Ismira says this will be the only tribe in "Survivor" history to actually GAIN weight while playing the game! The tribe continues the celebration, with even Katie and Caryn kissing. Radul hits the "Tivo" button and makes us replay that particular scene several times until we wrest the remote from his control.
Back at the Ulong beach, the tiny tribe hears the sound of the airplane making its return trip. They wait for supplies to fall from the sky to signify their victory, but the only thing that comes out of the airplane is Probst's finger. Without another word, the airplane flies away, and the Ulongs sit deep in the forest next to their message and wonder what went wrong.
Day 18, another day in paradise. Another day of Gregg and Jenn snuggling. I am beginning to wonder if this is just stock footage. Another day of Coby making catty remarks. He knows they're a couple, but he doesn't care as long as they vote with him. Well, he really DOES care, but he'll get over the one that got away...
Gregg keeps forgetting that this is "Survivor," and keeps thinking it's actually "Elimidate." He is worried about getting too close to Jenn, or maybe not getting close enough. How can he be a "player" and a "playa" at the same time? It's more than a straight white man should ever have to bear! Getting Jenn alone at the water well, he reassures her that things are still the same, but they both have to play the game as well. Satisfied that they have everyone fooled, they go back to the beach and make out. Tom is watching them (it's been 18 days without his wife, can you blame the man?) and realizes that their relationship might be a threat. He'll have to keep watching them even more closely. Ismira is singing "Loving, Touching, Squeezing," as we go to a commercial break.
Upon our return, we are watching Bobby Jon fishing for Ulong. Like Ian, he manages to snag another large clam. We are waiting for Ibrehem to come up with a shark next, but eventually reality sets in and we realize that is NEVER going to happen. Bobby Jon then goes on to catch another small fish, and feels like he just scored a winning touchdown. He hasn't heard about Tom's shark yet, but we all know Probst won't let that be a secret for long.
They cook the fish and clam until the meat is dry and burnt, so that it tastes just like the coconut they've been eating. With stomachs full and satisfied (just keep telling yourselves that, guys) they declare that they're ready for the next challenge. Must keep a straight face... must keep a straight... must keep a... oh, what the heck; HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
They have boosted themselves up just in time for tree mail. This treemail comes with a sliding puzzle in the design of a star. The instructions say to practice. Does anyone think they might have to solve one of these things in the upcoming challenge? Anyone? The Ulongs spend the next several hours looking to see if THESE pieces have "Survivor" trivia printed on them, then spend an hour deciding that the pieces are NOT actually edible.
Too late for more practice. It's time for the challenge. The tribes see each other for the first time all episode, and the Korors are shocked that James is gone. Darn it, now Ulong might start WINNING something. Ismira swears that, in keeping with the military theme of this season, James was actually a saboteur working for Koror. Seeing his performance in recent challenges, I am beginning to believe her. We will see if his absence makes a difference.
Ready to inflict further humiliation on Ulong, Probst asks how the fishing is going. Bobby Jon is proud to have nabbed a clam and a fish, but is scared of the sharks. Koror starts laughing. They tell the story of "Jaws VI; Be Very Afraid of Tom" and boast about shark roast, shark steaks, shark patties, shark burgers, and even the "Buffalo Shark" that they had for dinner. Suddenly, Ulong is hungry again. Stephenie and Bobby Jon ask if there can PLEASE be a merge, or a switch, or perhaps a murder-suicide pact. Stephenie even offers Probst the same deal that got Julie Berry into fifth place, but Probst is not that hard up. At least not yet.
Onto the game. Remember the practice puzzle? Ulong says yeah, it didn't taste very good. Both tribes will send three members out to a life-size version floating in the water. One will be the brains and lead the others in solving the puzzle. Koror will play Coby, Janu, and Jenn. Ulong will play... oh yeah, right. You three again. And no eating the pieces this time. Ready or not; GO!!!
Bobby Jon is the brains for Ulong. So THAT'S what the problem has been all along! Stephenie and Mr. Dead-in-the-water will move the pieces. For Koror, Coby will be the caller, and Janu and Jenn are in the water. Janu again looks tired and terrified; this bobbing up and down in the water reminds her of that horrible time at the "Disney on Ice" show when the ice freezers went on the fritz...
As the game progresses, Coby is making slow but steady progress, putting the pieces in place one at a time. Bobby Jon directs his tribemates to form the outline of Barney the Dinosaur with their pieces. Coby makes more progress, while Ulong now forms the shape of James's nose. Bobby Jon is staring and scratching his head; how to get these darn pieces to form the word "Ulong?" Finally, he trades places with Stephenie, who realizes that Koror is making a STAR out of their pieces. She can tell, because they only have one piece left to go! She frantically tries to make up time, but Ibrehem has long since given up and is tanning himself on the beach. Coby calmly guides his last piece into place for another Koror blowout!!! Probst has run out of insults; he simply mutters "See you at Tribal Council. Again," and excuses himself to go and pee on an electric fence.
As the Ulong "soon-to-be-down-to-two" tribe paddles back to their beach, Bobby Jon admits that he doesn't know who he's going to vote for tonight. This comes as a surprise to both Stephenie and Ibrehem, who BOTH thought they had an alliance with him. Stephenie tries to get him to commit to their relationship, but the young man is torn. Didn't we have something special, she intones. He has a deep fear of committment. He doesn't know who he has a better future with. Stephenie is hurt, betrayed. If I can't have him, she realizes, NO ONE will have him! 
She presents herself to Ibrehem. Take me, she pleads. We can go all the way! You don't need HIM. You thought he promised himself to you, but he was flirting with ME the whole time! He's a liar and he cheated on us both! Ibrehem is torn as well; he promised himself to Bobby Jon, but Stephenie is alluring... Perhaps Bobby Jon is indeed a two-timer, and Ibrehem and Stephenie can find happiness together. But it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday, you'll understand that... A mysterious fog rolls in, and it's time for Tribal Council.
At Tribal Council, we wintess a first. Probst has lost his voice from insulting the Ulong tribe. Valiantly, he keeps going with the task at hand. Whose idea was it to make Bobby Jon the caller at the challenge? He's obviously a moron. But he's a CUTE moron, Stephenie adds. Everyone is frustrated except Ibrehem, who got a great tan at the beach today. Probst correctly notes that ANYONE on Koror can beat you people, including Jon Dalton's dead grandmother. At one point today, Coby actually fell asleep waiting for you guys to make it a close game and add some suspense to this episode!
When Ulong is sufficently humiliated and beaten upon, Probst shows his softer side. Aren't you guys close after 18 days? Sure they are, they admit; they eat together, sleep together, and all take turns trying on Stephenie's underwear. Okay, enough of the softer side. Bobby Jon, why vote against Stephenie? She's a threat, and her underwear doesn't fit. Ibrehem, why should you stay? Because I'm the last black man, and Al Sharpton will sue if I'm kicked off. Stephenie, who are you voting for? I'm voting for the guy who forgot to bring tighty-whities. Bobby Jon, are you worried? Hmm, he replies, I'm not sure if packed my tighty-whities or not. Probst is tired, aggravated, and pretty creeped out by all the underwear talk, so he sends them off to vote. This shouldn't take long...
Everyone vote, but we see none of the votes. With this tribe, it could very well be a three-way tie. THEN what happens? Probst tallies the votes. One for Stephenie; I guess Ibrehem didn't see their future together after all. The second one is for Ibrehem, from Stephenie. A woman scorned... Who did Bobby Jon vote for? Ibrehem!!! Stephenie is relieved, and quietly slips Bobby Jon a "thank you" and a twenty-dollar bill as Ibrehem has his torch snuffed out. As Ibrehem trudges away to join James for a spirited religious debate on whose God let them down MORE, Probst tells the still-record-breaking tribe of two that they still have a chance; keep their spirits up. (Must keep a straight face... Must keep a straight face...)
Next week, it looks as if the rats are back at Koror. More protein on the menu! Coby the Catty is on a tear against the women of Koror, namely Katie, Janu, & Jenn. I guess Caryn doesn't count. At the cave-dwelling Ulong tribe, Bobby Jon is turning into a cave-dweller himself. Charlse Darwin in reverse!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
March 24, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 6: "Shots, Knots, & Plots (a.k.a. "The Ulonging")
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
How can we go on? Voting gone haywire; the wrong people getting voted off! Our favorites leaving the show while the ones we despise continue on to next week! Last-minute voting issues that throw everyone into a tailspin; it's enough to make us scream in dismay!! Radul, please turn the satellite dish away from "American Idol!" It's time instead for us to watch "Survivor: Palau"; Probst is MUCH better at tormenting the contestants. And there is no one better than yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Barterer of Babylon, and clan to tell you what you need to know to make it through another week of the Middle East's favorite American program!
Cousin Hassim has endured a most difficult week. After poor Angie was dismissed last episode, our normally-vicious relative went into a severe depression. He tried praying five times a day with his prayer mat facing Mecca, then tried five more times a day facing Jerusalem. Even facing his prayer mat toward Hollywood five times a day did not seem to help. Now, he is contemplating hijacking some form of transportation and traveling to Palau with a bomb and demanding that Angie be put back in the game. Ismira told him that last week's episode was actually recorded months ago, and that if he went to Palau NOW, the only person he would see would be someone named "Wezzie." Brooding, Hassim spent the remainder of the week plotting horrific ways to inflict pain upon Jeff Probst should they ever meet.
My daughter Azidi has been a busy bee these last few days. She has been working part-time in my store this week, and business has been booming! Yamiin gave her all the leftovers from last week's Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew, and Azidi labeled it "Just Like The Stew They Ate On Survivor!" At 57 shekels a bowl, she sold it all in one day! In addition, she picked up a surplus supply of "G.I. Joe" action figures from E-bay, and re-packaged them as "Tom the Titan: as seen on Survivor!" Again, she sold 17 cases of the action figures in only two days! She is making Cousin Radul a "bobble-head" Tom the Titan for the dashboard of his camel. I didn't even know camels had... Oh, I give up.
Azidi and Ismira have come up with another crazy scheme; they have entered our tent into a local contest called "Trading Oasis." If we are selected, we will take someone else's tent and decorate it, while that family does ours. Please, Allah, I shudder to think what will happen if this comes to pass...
Moving right along, it is time to hand out our family's "Survivor" awards for this week! As I surmised last week, Ismira gave her "Strategic Award" to Gregg. He is currently buddies with Tom and Ian, the power players, but is hedging his bets by also forming ties with Coby and others. It is always a good idea to have more than one plan going, and Gregg has at least two that we can see. Time will tell how this works out for him.
Cousin Radul's "Diva of the Week" Award goes to Gregg's partner in crime, Jennifer. That's only because we wouldn't let him give it to Angie after she was voted out. Anyway, in true Diva style, she is letting Gregg do all the dirty work, while at the same time managing to stay clean, perky, and wholesome-looking. This Diva's work ethic would be a perfect fit with Kim (formerly of Ulong.)
My "Dumbest American Mistake" once again goes to the entire Ulong tribe. They are in the process of setting all the Survivor records you DON"T want to set. Last week, their dumb move consisted of wandering around the jungle lost like Israel in the desert. All of this, of course, in the rain while looking for a nonexistent cave. This certainly tops the "stinky bathroom" debacle of last week.
And finally, Cousin Hassim took time out of his brooding to give the "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djinn" Award to Ian. Normally Mr. Nice Guy, he spent last week slobbering and moaning and singing and dancing while eating beef stew in front of the Famished Ulongs at Tribal Council. It made Angie cry, and almost made Stephenie explode with frustration. My clan was proud of him, although I must admit, pointing at the stew and singing "Can't Touch This" was a bit extreme.
On with the show. Last week on "Survivor: Palau", everything was packed into an event-filled one-day episode. Koror won the only challenge of the episode when Ibrehem couldn't be "da man" for his tribe. Koror got to eat stew and otherwise taunt Ulong at Tribal Council, even though both tribes had to vote a member out. A last-minute immunity necklace for Ibrehem meant Angie was voted out along with Willard from Koror.
Ismira says that one tribe doesn't usually "Pagong" another tribe until AFTER the merge. I don't know what this means, but it either sounds perverted or painful. Or perhaps both, Radul suggests with a gleam in his eye. Both Cousin Hassim's prayer mat and AK-47 are pointed at Jeff Probst's house; let's get started!!!
Ah, the familiarity!! Once again, we are back at the Ulong camp, for another round of "Whose Fault Is It, Anyway?" James is still very mad at Ibrehem, and has given him 1000 points for his performance at the Immunity Challenge. But as we all know, similar to Ulong at a challenge, points don't matter. Everyone agrees that everyone (read Ibrehem) should listen to each other more. At least that's what we THINK they said; everyone on the tribe was talking at once and not listening to each other.
They spend the rest of the night arguing about whether they are listening or not. Bobby John, ever the optimist, says he doesn't care. They're ALL terrible, including himself, and that fighting because they lost some stew is pretty worthless. If the stew tasted anything like Yamiin's Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew, he would not be saying that.
At dawn the next morning, we see Ibrehem on a prayer mat... praying. Just like Cousin Hassim, his mat is facing Hollywood as Ibrehem gives thanks to Mark Burnett for keeping him in the game. Ibrehem says he feels blessed, that it was destiny that he remain, and that he believes God saved him. Again, we assume he's talking about Mark Burnett.
The rest of Ulong is apparently sleeping in this morning, so we turn our attention to the Koror tribe. A bird has caught a small fish on the beach, already it has surpassed the number of fish the tribes have caught! Regardless, the Korors are hard at work. On WHAT we are not sure, as their shelter has been professionally built. Now, they are adding a guest house and a media room for life theater performances.
Katie is holding a macrame class for the women of Koror. Using enough string to build two more shelters, she handcrafts a knotty headband necklace thingy. She is hoping that Probst will mistake it for the Immunity necklace and she will be safe for the rest of the game. The rest of the tribe is not happy; either she should get off her duff and chop bamboo for the new ampitheater project, or she should make Immunity necklaces for ALL of them. For her part, Katie admits that this whole "Survivor" thing is really pretty easy, what with the shelter, the macrame, and the phone number for Domino's Pizza all readily available.
Actually, Katie is having a pretty busy day. After the Performing Arts Center is finished, she and Coby put on a sock-puppet show where they make fun of all the Ulongs. Especially Angie, Bobby John, and "that girl with the really huge knockeroonies." Then, she and Janu make a trip to the Palau post office to pick up the tree mail. After this, Katie will need a day's rest!
The tree mail has one of the typical cryptic message about shooting something. No Katie, other than your mouth. There is also a Pringle. A SINGLE Pringle. And no trivia question on it, either. Excited nonetheless, the tribe breaks up the chip and has a feast. Jenn is hoping that they will simply line up the remaining Ulongs and shoot THEM.
Before we can see the Ulong's reaction to the tree mail, we are suddenly at the Reward Challenge. Cousin Hassim begins to get excited when we are treated to a close-up of a WW2 artillery piece, but quickly loses interest when he sees that the targets are tribe-colored tiles and not the Ulong tribe members. Koror arrives at the challenge and is disappointed for the same reason. The Ulongs finally arrive, minus Angie. Coby smirks at this development; secretely, he is relieved to have her gone since he had previously made her very, very, very MAD.
Probst explains the rules. It's not even a real WW2 gun; it's a paintball rifle they bought at "Target" and painted with camo colors. Anyway, the tribe members will take turns shooting; the first team to shoot all eight of their tiles will win the reward. It's a SECOND Pringle's chip!! As both tribes move to strangle Probst, he reveals the REAL reward; more Pringles, as well as mai-tais and a trip to Jellyfish Lake. There, they can snorkle with millions of jellyfish! Hassim is thinking this would make an incredible challenge, or perhaps torture, until he learns that these jellyfish are perfectly harmless. Probst is no longer Hassim's hero.
And the game is on. Nobody hits anything for a few rounds until they realize that the gunsight has been blocked with more Pringle's chips. Then, things start happening. Tom hits first. James misses. Stephenie hits. James misses again. Bobby John hits. James misses again. Gregg hits a tile. James misses again. Ibrehem hits. James takes a shot at Probst, but misses. Stephenie hits again. James misses again. Caryn hits. James misses again. Bobby John scores again. James misses again. Gregg hits again. James tries to shoot himself, but misses. Stephenie hits for a third time. James misses again. Caryn hits again. James... misses again. Bobby John scores again. James misses again. Gregg hits. Coby hits, ties the game up. James... yes you guessed it, he misses.
Then Tom misses the winning shot for Koror. Oh, no!! Stephenie hits (four for four!!) and Ulong has all eight tiles. It's all up to Caryn, now. Will she... Won't she... Will she? Maybe? Maybe not? All right, enough of the tension. She misses, and Ulong wins the Series for the first time since 1936!! There is much rejoicing (not to mention Pringle's). Probst immediately begins taunting Ulong again, but then realized that they WON this time. He is flabbergasted; and sends them out in their canoe to rendezvous with the arriving party boat.
Once on board, the Ulongs find a table filled with Pringle's cans and tropical drinks. Since the CBS producers naturally assumed Koror would win the challenge, there is food for eight here. The four members of Ulong get to eat and drink twice as much! There commences much crunching and guzzling. THESE Pringle's chips have "Survivor" trivia questions printed on them, so the Ulongs spend the boat ride realizing how much they don't know about the people who came before.
Stephenie is upset that HER name isn't on any of the chips yet, but asks the questions anyway. For instance, which Survivor is about to go to jail for tax evasion? Or which Survivor is now an amateur porn star? Or which Survivor married their own stepson? Interestingly enough, Ismira knows the answers to ALL these questions. Bobby John offers up a toast, saying "Roll Tide," and all the Alabama boys cheer in support.
Before the Survivors can answer who went to jail for beating up a bouncer in a bar, they have arrived at Jellyfish Lake. Soon, they have all donned snorkeling gear (even Ibrehem.) My family of desert-dwellers spend the next few minutes in absolute awe as we stare at the millions of jellyfish through which the Survivors are swimming. Azidi says they're nothing like what she saw in "Finding Nemo." The Survivors continue swimming until they come across a warm spot in the water. James says, "Oops, sorry," and the rest of the Ulongs scramble for shore. Adventure over.
We see no more of Ulong, because later that night, a tropical storm hits the Koror camp. The day's construction efforts did not include an underground bunker (that was scheduled for the next day), so Koror must weather the pounding rain and gusting winds. Tom says the winds have reached 40 mph; they can tell because they are using Katie's bra as a windsock. If the winds can move THAT thing... well, let's not go any further, shall we?
The storm has subsided by the next morning, and Katie's bra is once again safe. The Koror members are all safe and accounted for, lamenting the miserable night before. The storm has washed away all traces of the Cinderella's Castle sand sculpture they were working on, and they're all bummed. Next time, it will be made of bamboo.
Janu is taking things especially hard. She is wrapped up in the hammock like a soft taco, whimpering and crying for her mother. Sorry, the family visit episode is still several weeks away. Tom is trying to console her, knowing that if she stays in the hammock, HE'LL never get a turn. He is laying it on thick, going on about how Janu will be in the Final Two. The other tribe members know it's a load of NUMBER Two, but they let him encourage her. However, if they lose Immunity, everyone knows who to vote for, right? The plan is set.
And just in time, it seems. Today, another tree mail has arrived. This one is a box with the other team's flag in it. Has there been a mistake? The note reads something like this: "Secure the flag in the box- stop. Tie ropes around the box- stop. James has been leaving the toilet seat up - STOP!" Oh, wait, Stephenie added that last part. James says he knows the perfect knot to tie that the other team will NEVER untie. Doesn't James know he's just asking for it now? Being the Ulongs that they are, they believe James and proceed to tie the largest, ugliest knot the world has ever seen atop the box. Stephenie is SURE they'll win. My whole tent begins whispering "Foreshadowing..."
Soon, we are at the site of the Immunity Challenge. Both teams bring their boxes, tied up securely. Probst tells Janu to "Give it up," and Cousin Radul begins giggling. However, Probst is talking about the wooden monkey. Immunity is back up for grabs! Suprisingly, the tribes seem to actually believe this.
Bundles of sticks have been placed out in the lagoon. The teams must swim out, retrieve the sticks, and use them to further reinforce the protected box. Then, they must tear down the other team's construction to free their flag. The first team to get their flag wins. Koror must play Katie, Ian, Jenn, and Janu. Uh oh. Janu is trembling; all the ropes, knots and boxes are bringing back horrible memories of that David Copperfield show where she was an assistant...
Before Janu can lapse back into a catatonic state, the game is on! Jenn and Ian head into the water for Koror while Katie and Janu continue to tie knots around the flag box. Smart strategy. Stephenie and Bobby John head into the water for Ulong while... Ibrehem does a dead's man float in the water and James is taunting the other team by flashing them with his toga. Interesting strategy; we will see if it works. By the time Ulong gets all their wood to shore, Koror has already tied 126 more knots to the top of their box (Radul was counting.) Hmmmm....
Before long, each team has constructed a haphazard collection of sticks around their box that looks like the tinkertoy collection of Edgar Allen Poe. Ulong has used more rope, but Koror has used more knots. We will see which strategy pays off as the teams switch sides and begin deconstructing the nightmarish assemblies.
Things are pretty neck and neck until Ulong hits the 126 knots Koror tied while James was doing the "Stripper" dance. Ulong falls behind while Koror easily breezes through James' magical, impenetrable knot and quickly opens the box. Stephenie gives up and watches Koror hoist their flag, realizing that maybe, just maybe, it was a mistake to trust James. So, for the sixth time in a row, Ulong will be heading to Tribal Council. They should be getting Frequent Flyer Miles.
Ulong now has an entire day to simmer and brood over who they will vote out tonight.Steph and James talk; James is sure Bobby John won't ever vote for him. Bobby John tells us he is DEFINITELY voting for James. James says that God told him Ibrehem is going home tonight. Does God watch "Survivor?" Regardless, somebody is out of the loop here, and the loop is not that big.
Steph talks to Bobby John, and convinces him that James voted for him at the Last Tribal Council. She says that SHE voted for Angie, but conveniently neglects to tell him that it was at the SECOND vote. Privately, she tells us that she doesn't like to lie, but it was the only way to convince Bobby John she's being honest. Yes, my family is scratching our heads, too.
She finally agrees with Bobby John to vote against James. Ibrehem is away offering sacrifices to Mark Burnett, so he is unavailable for consultation. Bobby John trusts Stephenie, and thinks he can go to the end of the game with her. If the other EIGHT Koror members have nothing to say about it, that is. Stephenie is unsure of which way to vote. Ismira says if you're going to lie, you'd better be good at it, and it doesn't look like Stephenie is that good. I would not bet against Ismira.
Now it's time to put Ulong out of its misery one more time. To add insult to injury, the Tribal Council area still smells of beef stew. Probst wastes no time in doing what he does best. James, you're a loser. Ibrehem, you're a loser. Stephenie, you're a loser. Bobby John, you're a good-looking loser. James, you're a loser again. At the challenge, Ibrehem was playing the bobbing game again, while James was too busy re-enacting "The Full Monty" and not tying up the box. Ibrehem, black men can't swim and a black man has never won "Survivor." Do you want to give up? Nah. James, you totally screwed up the challenge today, and no one with a nose as big as yours has ever won "Survivor." Do you want to give up? Nah. Stephenie, you're outnumbered by three Bama boys, and no one wearing a plain white bra has ever won "Survivor," except Richard Hatch. Do you want to quit? Stephenie smacks Probst upside his head.
Stephenie says she's lost all hope of winning, but she just doesn't want to go 0-9 and be totally humiliated. Probst says check back in three episodes. Now, let's talk about trust. Bobby John says he trusts everyone, and we believe him. Stephenie says she trusts everybody, and we laugh heartily. Azidi says, "She is SO not a liar." Probst asks her if she feels threatened by the Bama boys, or by the "white bra" thing. Another smack to the head is his answer, so he finally sends them off to vote.
James votes for Ibrehem, saying something about burning crosses and Selma, Alabama. Or maybe that was Hassim doing a voice-over. Ibrehem votes for James, but is more polite about it. We are sure that Stephenie will vote for James to avoid a tie and keep the trust alive with Bobby John, but when the votes are read, it's a 2-2 tie. Stephenie has voted for Ibrehem! Azidi says, "She is SO in trouble now."
They revote, and Stephenie makes the decision she should have made the first time. She and Bobby John both vote for James, and the Alabama Pinnochio is finally sent home. Who will we find with a nose bigger than our Middle Eastern ones to make fun of NOW? However, Stephenie must now face up to the fact that she lied to Bobby John and tried to kick Ibrehem out. Both men are sure to be pleased by that one!
Probst informs them that they have now set the All-Time Survivor record for smallest, worst, most losingest, and overall most foolish tribe of all time. Ismira has coined a new phrase: "Ulonging." She says it's like "Pagonging," but it happens BEFORE the merge. We will see if this phrase catches on in the Internet world; she is adding it to her blog as we speak.
Next time, it appears we get to see more of the plotting finally starting to take place at the Koror camp. Tom is beginning to suspect that Gregg and Jenn may be up to something more than snuggling. None of us think Tom will let THAT go unchecked. Over at Ulong, Bobby John catches a small fish, and rejoices. Just wait until they hear about Tom's SHARK!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
March 17, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 5: "Saki, Stew, And Goodbye To Two"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Ah, the haves and the have-nots!! The double-dealing, one side accusing the other side of lies, the ones in the mansion versus the ones practically homeless! The touching, the hugging, the groping! Will the Michael Jackson trial never end? Please, we need more satellite room to watch "Survivor: Palau!" Now that the Survivors are getting whittled down to a more manageable number, we can finally remember all their names (Except for Ismira, who knew all their names weeks before the premier. She has no other life.) The ceiling of my tent is covered in soot from all the burnt straw effigies, but we press on. Yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Mesopotamian Mega-Merchant, is here to tell you what is REALLY happening!
Ismira is entering yet another "Survivor" contest. She tells us she must video a re-creation of a famous scene from "Survivor" history. Her first attempt involved getting Cousin Hassim to portray someone named "Mike" sitting next to a campfire. I was not present at the filming of this scene, but I could hear Hassim's cries of pain from the other side of the village. Ismira said it was very realistic. She managed to enlist me in her second attempt, although I was dubious. She said all I had to do was pretend I had a sea urchin sting, and she would do the rest. It sounded very simple and painless, until... Well, let's just say I won't be letting Ismira submit THAT tape to the American producers! Now, both Hassim and I are watching our hands very carefully.
Thanks be to Allah, we are very grateful to finally have Cousin Radul back in our midst. Last week, he was apprehended by American soldiers after they discovered military hardware connected to our antenna dish. He was hauled away for interrogation, to see if he harbored any military intelligence. We feared for his life, but after only two days he returned to us unharmed. As it turns out, not only did Radul have no military intelligence, but the Americans eventually decided he had very little intelligence of ANY kind! They sent him on his way with a caseful of MRE packagesand a six-pack of Diet Coke. In addition, Radul managed to swipe something he calls a "Tivo Box" and is even now hooking it up to our widescreen HDTV.
The first thing Radul did upon his return was to proclaim Angie "Diva of the Week" for the second week in a row. She continued her kick-butt attitude in the challenges, and was a definite decision-maker in her tribe. Radul also likes the way her "butterfly jiggles," whatever that means. Long live the Diva!
Ismira's Strategic Award goes this week to Tom and Ian. The two men are definitely the leaders at the Koror camp, which normally would make them resented by the rest of the tribe. However, these guys are managing to stay likeable and encourage everyone. They are forming a sub-alliance within thier tribe, something Ismira calls a "Minimum Winning Coalition." This could take them a long way in the game; look for one or both of these two men to make it to the Final Four. (It is March Madness, after all.)
Hassim had a very hard time picking a "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djinn" award this week. Poor Ulong was again pummelled in every aspect of the game, and Koror is dominating without being really cruel or snotty about it. Eventually, he decided to give the award to James, simply for his less-that-politically-correct lamentations concerning Coby's sexuality. Not extremely cruel, but as good as it got last week.
My "Dumbest American Award" this week goes to the entire Ulong tribe, for the construction of their latrine. Have these people, especially James, ever smelled the odor coming from an outhouse? That's why people used to put them "out!" Putting such a foul-smelling poo-pit next to the showering and teeth-brushing area makes me lose my roast lamb. Additionally, their "joke" of Probst-grafitti on the toilet seat didn't seem to sit well with The Dastardly One, and I am sure he was more than happy to give the reward to the other team.
Will there be any more dumb mistakes? I think we can bet on it. Last week on "Survivor: Palau," Ulong was not as toilet-trained as Koror, and Koror won a custom-built shelter from THE HOME DEPOT. (See, I have sponsors, too.) Later, the Koror tribe went on to beat Ulong again and win Immunity. In what was probably the most no-brainer vote in several seasons, Ulong voted to get rid of Kim. Probst actually ran out of horrible things to say about them, thev've been to Tribal Council so much. Will Ulong continue the longest-running losing streak in Survivor history? Will factions continue to develop at Koror? Will Coby finally put some pants on? (for Allah's sake, man, my daughter is watching!) Ismira is trying to film something she calls "the Ted & Ghandia Story"; let's get started!!!
As always, it's night again, and Ulong is lamenting... Wait, this is not Ulong, it's Koror! What could be happening to draw us away from watching Ulong in pain and suffering? It can only mean one thing... the cameramen think they might be cathing a little "horizontal hokey-pokey" on tape!
And yes, we see Jenn and Gregg in the honeymoon suite of the newly-built Palau Holiday Inn, snuggling and cuddling with each other. They are accompanied by a piano and violin, filtering up from the show lounge on the first floor of the hotel. Coby is watching, drooling with envy. Whether it's for Jenn or Gregg, we do not know. I begin to make a comment about how much of a pervert Coby is, but then I notice Cousin Radul staring at the HDTV with the same expression. I hold my tongue for now.
Privately, Coby tells us that everyone knows they're a couple. Yeah, a couple of... but I digress. Coby says they will have to watch the couple carefully. Drooling, he volunteers for the job.
The one Koror NOT volunteering for any jobs is Willard. He is sleeping in the hotel's hammock, oblivious to the darkness around him. Although he is closest to the fire, no one can convince him to get up and take care of it. After seeing what happened to Cousin Hassim, I really do not blame him. They try subtle hints like, "The fire's going out, you old fart!" and "If the fire goes out, so does the geezer's torch!" Willard is oblivious to their taunting, and snoozes on. Ismira says Willard reminds her of one of the old guys in the balcony on "The Muppet Show."
But before we can further investigate this line of reasoning, we are back at the Ulong camp. Or rather, we are deep in the jungle somewhere in the vicinity of the Ulong camp. Having felt absolutely no remorse at voting off Kim hours ago, the tribe has decided that wandering lost in the jungle would be a cool thing to do on a dark, rainy, cold night. They are looking for the caves from Episode 2, but none of the Ulong members can remember that many episodes back. They wander in circles for a while, then approach the cliff where the cave should be. Unfortunately, there's no cave there in THIS episode. Or is there a cave cover-up conspiracy afoot? Quick, call a congressional hearing!
Finally, they decide to call off the search for the missing cave, and head back to camp. Once there, they settle in for a miserable night. James tries to encourage his tribemates by chanting "Do Not Quit," but his hillbilly accent makes it sound like "Doughnut Kit," and they get even hungrier into the night.
Indeed, the sun will come out tomorrow. The rain ceases, and yet another day dawns as Ulong picks through the mud-coated remnants of their camp. The entire tribe staggers around camp, dazed and confused from the lack of sleep, unable even to form intelligible words. They silently stare at each other, wondering if staying in Loser Lodge wouldn't be a better place, after all. The good news is; they'll probably all find out soon enough. There is no energy in the camp; let's hope nothing important happens today...
Over at Koror, we see something we haven't seen all season; Tom is griping about someone! Finally, some more conflict at Camp Dudley-Do-Right! Tom is upset that "Grumpy Old Man" slept in the hammock all night while Tom had to keep climbing over him to tend the fire. Even those "accidental" knees to the groin didn't wake Willard up. Nobody has told Tom about Willard's "accident" back in Vietnam, or he would've known... Anyway, Tom and Gregg discuss that the only way one of THEM will ever get the hammock will be to vote Willard out at the earliest opportunity. He might be a strategic threat later in danger of taking over, just like Kim's brain is running the show over at Ulong. They don't know yet... Tom admits that last night's lack of sleep has taken its toll on him. He has no energy; let's hope that nothing important happens today...
And with that amount of forshadowing, my daughter Azidi announces that the perfect thing for Probst to do today would be to have a strenuous challenge with another Tribal Council tonight, just one day after the last one!! My family scoffs at her, but only a minute later, we see that Probst has taken her suggestion and that is EXACTLY what is about to happen. Great, now Azidi will not let us hear the end of this one.
In an instant, we see the Survivors lined up in yet another lagoon as Jeff Probst explains today's challenge. Team members will be pulled on a raft out to a shipwreck, where they will dive down for treasures. I believe Robert Ballard's team played this same game at the site of the "Titanic." These "treasures" are bottles of saki; and no, James, there is no saki in them for you to drink! The dead Japanese sailors on the shipwreck got to them first! But the first team to find 6 bottles and bring them back will win the reward... And this is where things go haywire.
Both teams will be voting out members at Tribal Council TONIGHT. Koror was just getting too strong, and we finally want to see you boring guys fight a little. And Ulong, well, we just like to see you keep suffering. Today's winner will get to sit at Tribal Council and eat beef stew (no Dinty Moore sponsoring) and drink root beer (no Barq's sponsoring). The losing team will be forced to watch, listen, and smell as the winners slobber and drool (and we're not just talking about Gregg and Jenn).
Probst hollers his trademark "GO!!" Steph and Jenn hop onto the rafts and are quickly pulled along by their tribemates. They return with bottles, and Gregg and Angie are next. Sure enough, after the two Ulong women are finished, Ulong has a sizeable lead. What will the Ulong men do THIS time to screw things up?
The answer is not long in coming. Ibrehem dives off his raft into the water, but his musclebound chest won't allow him to hold any air. He simply can't stay down long enough to reach the saki bottles. Coby, with not any musclebound problems whatsoever, quickly catches up, dives, and come up with a bottle. He is all the way back to his tribemates while Ibrehem is still bobbing up and down like a cork in a toilet. After several nmore tries, he gives up and is pulled back to his team and replaced by Bobby John.
My tent is jeering at poor Ibrehem, saying how he perpetuates the stereotype about black people who can't swim, but I remind my family that NONE OF US know how to swim. It is a long way to water from our village, and the Persian Gulf is filled with explosives. They cease their taunting, although Hassim is still mumbling something derogatory under his breath about the Civil Rights Movement.
Koror is so far ahead now, it looks like abother rout. However, it is Ian's turn to make a fool out of himself. He dives down to the wrong shipwreck, and can't find any bottles. He does, however, find Ginger's underwear from "Gilligan's Island." Sorry, try again. James grabs a bottle from the correct shipwreck; Ulong is catching up! Ian manages to find the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, the Heart of the Ocean, artifacts from the lost continent of Atlantis, PT-109, the Little Mermaid's treasure stash, and Jimmy Hoffa's remains, but still no saki bottles.
Finally, he sees the bottles and grabs one. By this time, the race is tied again. Ian decides to go out AGAIN, now that he knows where the bottles are. He quickly grabs the final bottle and is pulled back to the tribe. Koror wins!! Probst is really beginning to sound like a broken record (That would be a "digitally corrupted CD," Azidi) Our worthy-of-loathing host taunts Ulong again, but says he will see both tribes at Tribal Council tonight.
We are next treated to some of the happenings at the victorious Koror camp before Tribal Council. Ian gloats about how "poor (ha-ha) Ulong is (ha, ha) getting (ha, ha) decimated." He sounds very sincere. He can't wait for Tribal Council. Coby cautions the tribe to be civil as they slurp their stew in front of Ulong later tonight, but Ian is already doing the "Chicken Dance" and singing songs he undoubtably learned from Wanda.
At Ulong, all fingers are pointing at Ibrehem. James says he "gave up"; obviously, Ibrehem paid no heed to the "doughnut" chant of the night before. Stephenie says she'll throw up at Tribal Council, she's so hungry. (Stephenie, I believe that would only result in dry heaves.) She believes her only hope is that a merge will come soon. Ibrehem is upset with himself as well. He has just lost his chance at that new UPN sitcom, "Everybody Loves Ibrehem." Even Cousin Radul can see how this Tribal Council vote will happen tonight.
Back at Koror, the vote seems every bit as obvious. Mark Burnett must be setting the contestants up for SOMETHING. Tom and his "posse" discuss how "Willard the Weak" needs to be eliminated before the Immunity challenges become more puzzle-oriented and he turns into "Willard the Wily." Willard, for his part, knows he's going home tonight. He takes Coby aside and asks if Coby wants to "get into his shorts." Coby is speechless, but flattered. He doesn't want Willard to go home tonight, but can't stop the vote, and doesn't want to go against the group at this point. Ismira takes note of this wise move.
Turns out, this is Coby's lucky day. Gregg approaches him as well, but NOT for what Coby is dreaming. Gregg tells Coby of his play to overthrow Tom and Ian when the field is narrowed down to seven. Ismira is making more notes. Coby readily agrees to the plan and feels lucky. Privately, Gregg tells us that now he has options with BOTH factions of the Koror tribe, and can choose which one to side with when the time is right. Ismira continues making notes. I know who is getting her award this week!
Finally, it's time for the dreaded Double Tribal Council. Koror arrives first, and Probst tells them to ignore the personalized Ulong nameplates on the seats. Probst decided to immediately begin exposing relationships. Who's friends with who? Tom and Ian are buddies. Coby and Janu are buddies. Willard and Caryn are buddies. Gregg and Jenn are "booty buddies." Katie spreads it around to everybody. There was once a woman in our village who did that; she was stoned to death.
Probst asks who can you trust. Willard says he trusts everyone's voting for HIM. To get the formalities over with, Probst sends them off to vote. We see Willard vote for Katie; he doesn't say why. We see Katie vote for Willard; she can't shut up about why. Probst reads the votes and sure enough, it's 8-1 and Willard is going home. He encourages them to keep pounding Ulong, and leaves before he can get any stew.
Speaking of stew, my clan takes this opportunity to refil our bowls with Yamiin's new Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew. It is certainly tastier that what the Survivors will get to eat.
As we slurp, Ulong now comes into the Tribal Council area. They have brought their entire camp with them, including the outhouse. To further humiliate and torture the losers, Koror now begins digging in to their meal. Ian immidiately begins exclaiming over the food, almost breaking into song and dance again. Stephenie is mumbling, "Must... control... Fist... of... Death..." Thankfully, Probst begins his interrogation before Stephenie explodes.
Probst wonders why they brought all their stuff. They were hoping to merge and finally get to be on Tom's team, but Probst tells them they must suffer more first. Angie begins crying, and Probst makes her admit she's frustrated she's teamed with a bunch of losers. It's like a macabre AA meeting. Amidst the slurping, both from Koror and from my tent, we gather that morale is low, and it's because of Ibrehem this time. Ibrehem begs not to be voted out because he keeps losing challenges, and promises to flex his chest muscles more if they let him stay. Several of the women on Koror begin to drool.
Probst again says it's time to vote... for Koror again. Huh? Probst was so moved by Ibrehem's sob story, that he's going to let Koror give one of the Ulongs immunity! From the look on the Koror women's faces, I already know what is going to happen. Sure enough, although the resulting votes are scattered, Ibrehem wins the vote!! I knew BOTH votes couldn't go as smoothly at they seemed. Probst gives Ibrehem the Immunity necklace from Episode 1, and now Ulong is immediately sent off to vote for someone else!
Keep in mind that this group can't make decisions under the BEST of circumstances. Now, they're totally bewildered. Amidst mumblings of "I'm sorry," "It wasn't supposed to be you," and "Probst's a #$#@%^&," the tribe votes for random people. After Probst tallies the vote, it's a tie between Angie and Bobby John. The other three tribe members get to vote again. Four votes in one Tribal Council; Ismira says this is a Survivor record!!
But it is a sad day for many in my tent. When the final votes are counted, Angie is going home. Angie, who my tribe has come to love and admire. Angie, two-time winner of Cousin Radul's "Diva" award. We are angry; she was not even in the slightest danger before Tribal Council started! We do not even hear the rest of the episode because of the multitude of Arabic curses flying around the tent, and the HDTV is now covered in Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew. With a tear in his eye, Cousin Hassim reluctantly fires up his lighter.
Next week, James is still upset with Ibrehem for botching the challenge, and weaseling his way out at Tribal Council. Yay, more fighting!! And at Koror, a storm attacks their new shelter. While the shelter stands strong, the same cannot be said for Janu. She has cocooned herself in Willard's hammock and is crying. Better watch out; Tom and Ian have dibs on that hammock!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
March 11, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 4: "Palauan Procrastinators, Pugilists, and Porta-Potties"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
We are really getting into the thick of things, now! The agony, the whining, the sour faces, the overdone drama, the pretending you're about to pass out... Yes, Azidi, you must eat ALL your vegetables! If you do not hurry and finish, you will not be able to sit with us and watch this week's episode of "Survivor!" Indeed, once again, it is time for this wonderful addiction that has taken over our village here in the middle of the Middle East. And as you have no doubt come to expect, Honest Achmed, the Persian Profiteer, and the rest of my Survivor-savvy clan are here to watch, comment, curse, and argue with each other as we sojourn through more twists and turns of this week's episode!
We have not seen much of Ismira this week. She has been checking out web sites for something she calls "The Amazing Race." I told her that the "Amazing Race" was, of course, the Arab bloodline. She rolled her eyes, and told us that it is yet another game show that we cannot tune into in our part of the world. Cousin Radul took this as a challenge, and has spent the entire week experimenting on our antenna dish to see if he can pick up this elusive signal. He has purchased illegal signal boosters, and and is even now patching in stolen U.S. military targeting sensors to increase our antenna's reception. He somehow got these from Cousin Hassim, and I now have my own "Don't Ask; Don't Tell" policy.
Ismira is only interested in this new show because two people named "Rob" and "Amber" are participating. She says that Rob and Amber were the winners of a previous round of "Survivor." Well, Amber was, anyway, and Rob... well, it's a long story, and bandwidth is short. They are now engaged to be married. All together now, "Aaaaaawwwwwww!" Before they marry, they will be competing in a televised around-the-world race. Ismira says it will be the ultimate test to see if their relationship can survive. I believe she is correct; Ismira and I can barely ride on the same camel together. "Turn left! No, I meant right! Pull back on the reigns! Watch the goat droppings! Oh, great, now we're in a mine field; I TOLD you to stop and ask for directions!"
Enough about Ismira. As you may remember, Cousin Hassim and I recently put together our own version of Survivor, entitled "Survivor: the Sahara." If you don't remember, read the past scribes. Anyway, the entire endeavor was great fun, and will soon be airing on Al-Jazeera this summer. The airing may be delayed a bit; it simply depends on how long it takes to work out all the wrongful death lawsuits. We are thinking about hiring Michael Jackson's attorney. As the weeks progress, I will be telling you pieces of what transpired on OUR show. And you thought Jeff Probst was cruel!!
At this time, let's give out our family's weekly awards. Ismira is back on track this week with her Strategic award. This award goes to dearly departed Jeff (not Probst) who decided to sacrifice himself so that he wouldn't slow his team down. A selfless move to be sure, but strategic for his team. Not very strategic for HIMSELF, though. My family agrees that he should have murdered Kim, stolen HER leg, performed impromptu surgical joint replacement, and continued playing. Ismira is sure there is a rule violation in there somewhere.
Cousin Radul's "Diva of the Week" award goes to Angie. He admires her bizarre sense of style and body art, and the fact that she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She performed like a whirling dervish at the challenges, displaying great Diva-dunking attitude. Also, Radul adds, her breasts insisted on bouncing out of her bra the entire episode, scoring mega diva-points.
We finally let Cousin Hassim have his wish this week, and let him give his "Cruellest Son-Of-A-Djinn" award to Jeff Probst. Our sadistic host made the Survivors carry heavy backpacks and trudge in an endless circle in steadily rising water. He commanded this forced march for hours in the relentless sun, while sitting in the shade drinking pina coladas. Kudos to Jeff Probst!!
My "Dumbest American Mistake" Award goes, suprisingly enough, to the same person who won the Strategic Award. Jeff certainly had a busy week. His simple slip on a coconut in the middle of the night cost him a strong chance at a million dollars, and cost his tribe a lot of strength in the process. This week, it's the "Watch where you're going, knucklehead" Award. I suspect that Jeff has taken the offending coconut home with him, and that it will soon show up on E-Bay.
On to newer and better things. Last week on "Survivor: Palau," Ulong won another Reward challenge for sewing supplies, and now look like the fraternity brothers from "Animal House." Koror went on to win the Immunity Challenge (again) and won the right to keep Caryn's mouth around for another few days. Jeff injured himself, and asked his team to vote him out. Even though his bad leg was still stronger than Kim's good ones, they gave him his wish and sent him home. Who from Ulong is going home tonight? Oops, are we making that prediction a little too early? Radul has finished picking up SETI signals from the Delta Quadrant and has tuned us back into "Survivor"; let's get started!!!
As we have come to expect, it is the night after Tribal Council for Ulong. I have long since given up trying to fix my HDTV for these night scenes. The tribe is complaining that Probst keeps making them get rid of tribe members. They are puzzled by the fact that Koror is weaker than they are, but keeps winning challenges. They eventually decide that Koror is smarter, or that maybe Probst has the hots for one of the Koror members. My family thinks maybe, just maybe, Koror has tribe members that actually PARTICIPATE in challenges. And as for brains verses strength, my uncle Nimron used to say "Wisdom is the greatest strength of all." He wrote greeting cards for a living.
James, particularly, is upset and vows to never go to Tribal Council again. Either this is foreshadowing, or he is being set up to look like the biggest goober of all time. Ismira suspects the latter. James says he'll "stomp" anybody who doesn't help, and Kim moves to the other side of the fire. Bobby John, showing probably the most wisdom on this tribe, admits that things are a mess. Whether this is wisdom or simply reiterating the blatantly obvious, we do not know.
It is daylight once again, and a rat is scurrying around the beach. This can only be the Koror camp! Wasting no time, tree mail has already arrived. This looks to be a busy, event-filled day. The cryptic message says to choose someone who will make some decisions for the tribe. Other than this, the instructions make no indication whether this person will be swapped to the other tribe, given Immunity, or cut up as bait to attract more sharks.
Whatever the outcome, several tribe members volunteer for the mysterious job. This tribe simply relishes the unknown! Coby especially volunteers to be shark bait, but no one is listening to him. Ignoring his jumping and cries of "Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!" the tribe eventually picks Ian. Tom says that Ian is the leader of this tribe, and everyone accepts Tom's leadership and agrees that Ian is the leader. Coby is upset at not being chosen (not as upset as Jonathon and Wanda, I'll bet) and realizes that the tribe is beginning to split into two distinct factions. Unfortunately, he is in the minority faction, although with minority status he can get government set-asides and other perks. Life is not too bad.
Over at Ulong, things are not going as smoothly. Upon reading their tree mail, the tribe realizes that they will have to make a DECISION. This throws the group into an absolute tailspin. Unlike Koror, NOBODY on this tribe wants to be cut up for shark bait, although everyone wants someone ELSE to do it. Maybe they should draw straws, but Kim is against this idea. After all, SHE might have to do it. They head out in the canoe to pretend to fish and put off anything as mind-boggling as decision-making.
And before we can say, "So long, Ulong," Probst is arriving at the islands in a powerboat emblazoned with the "Home Depot" logo. Ah, corporate sponsorship! Hassim and I tried to get sponsors for "Survivor: The Sahara," but the PLO was out of money in their advertising budget. Probst is carrying what looks to be an outhouse, and suddenly Ian is sorry he was volunteered for this job.
Probst tells Koror that the newest contest is to BUILD an outhouse, using lumber and tools from the Home Depot. Ian, as leader, gets to pick out tools and will decide who sits out of the challenge. Ian is in luck; his father was a contractor who once worked on the Clinton Memorial Library, I believe. Or perhaps his father was just a Clinton intern. Whatever the case, Ian chooses the tools and decides that Jennifer, Coby, and Janu are too girly to help and must sit out. For Janu, it's just as well; the thought of a bathroom brings back horrible memories of that incident in the ladies' room of the MGM Grand in Vegas... before we can transition to a dramatic flashback, Probst is gone and Koror starts to work.
Meanwhile, the men of Ulong are fishing while the ladies are helping out by... watching. No, I'm serious. Upon their return to the beach after a wrong turn at Easter Island, they find Probst waiting impatiently for them. Probst is further angered when they admit they haven't chosen a leader yet, and almost sends them back to Tribal Council on the spot. To avoid another trip so soon, the tribe throws James out of the boat as their representative.
Probst explains the challenge to them. Tomorrow, he and Simon Cowell will come back and judge the bathrooms the tribes have built. Simon will make obnoxious remarks and plug another game show on a competing network. The tribe whose bathroom displays the most originality, sturdiness, and poo-poo capacity will win a custom-built shelter for their tribe and a half-hour special next week on HGTV. Ulong, er, rather, the losers will get nothing but the outhouse.
To James' relief, he is not sacrificed to the gods of Palau, and quickly chooses tools. Turns out, his family was in construction too, having worked on the Jed Clampett Memorial Library. He chooses a "hammer-hatchet thingy" as well as a pick-axe "just in case that lazy Kim gives me any trouble." Privately, he says he'll make his tribe work hard. Ismira is shaking her head already...
Back at Koror, everyone is working hard. That is, if everyone consists of Tom, Ian, and Gregg. The others are putting in accessory touches like directional signage (put butt here), landscaping along the pathways, and a Reader's Digest by the toilet (we have those in my village, too.)
Caryn, meanwhile, is still working on the case of "Caryn the sit-around-and-complainer vs. Tom the get-things-done-by-hard-worker." She is complaining about Tom's leadership. Apparently, she didn't get Tom's executive memo about how IAN is the leader. And another thing... Does this woman like ANYBODY?
Koror's work ethic is boring, so we switch back to Ulong, where trouble is bound to be brewing. Sure enough, James is making decisions. How dare he!!!!! He has taken a leadership role, and has proclaimed himself the "Commode King." He commands the women to measure his derriere, so that the toilet can be customized for him. Kim asks if the toilet seat has a Tempurpedic cushion. She is so tired from all this watching, she has to sit down and rest. Some of the tribe is mad at James for working too hard; some of the tribe is mad at Kim for not working hard enough. If Chuck Barras were here, he would give "Ulong the Gong."
Kim manages to gather enough strength to watch Bobby John chop down trees, but the exhaustion almost overtakes her. She really doesn't like all these people who work; this is a foreign concept to her. Privately, she considers herself the only smart one. People worldwide share a collective laugh at her expense. Meanwhile, James is sitting on the completed "throne," demanding toilet paper and the Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit" issue.
Probst arrives at the Koror camp the following morning with "Jesse," not Simon, who is off laying down vocals for "Shrek 3." Tom, slipping easily into the role of a New York tour guide, shows off the restroom facilities for the two guests. The toilet area is very sturdy, with leaves for toilet paper. The bottom toilet is for Coby's faction, while the toilet directly above is for Tom's faction (Eeeewwwww!) Well, some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
The shower is adjustable, with the shower stall built sturdily. It also has holes so that the cameramen can get video of Jennifer, Janu, and Katie showering. Probst marks down lots of bonus points for Koror. He tells them they will get extra points if the three women shower TOGETHER. Radul excuses himself to go take his own shower as we go to commercial.
When we return, Probst and Jesse are at the Ulong camp, where to no one's surprise, things are not finished yet. (I'm not making this up. Honest.) They also give their guests a tour. Probst and Jesse notice several things; the structure is shaky, the toilet is immediately next to the shower area (hold your nose), and the Ulong tribe has defaced CBS and Home Depot property by writing suggestive messages about Probst in the toilet. Now, they're REALLY getting on his good side. Back in the States, Julie Berry is extremely jealous. Probst and Jesse leave the island, writing on their notepads. I zoom in with my HDTV and can tell that they're writing "Worst. Toilet. Ever." James, however, doesn't see how they can lose. Either this is foreshadowing, or he's being set up as the biggest... yes, definitely the latter.
Sure enough, the next thing we see is a CBS & Home Depot boat arriving at the Koror beach. A construction crew hops off, and within hours, they have constructed a brand-new structure for Koror, complete with floor, roof, raised deck, great room, master jacuzzi suite, and those beds you put quarters in to make them vibrate (I have seen them in Cairo.) As the crew leaves, they bring in an ice chest with two bottles of champagne for the Koror tribe to celebrate. It is Probst's intent to make the Survivors drunk and hopefully catch some incriminating footage.
His plan pays off. Soon, Tom and Ian are recreating their favorite scenes from "Dirty Dancing" and Caryn is laying back laughing like a chimpanzee in extreme pain.
Meanwhile, at the Ulong beach, the tribe sits and stares into the lagoon, certain that their reward is coming. They sit and stare well into the night, but the Great Pumpkin never shows up. Eventually, the thought occurs to them that maybe they DIDN'T win the contest. They agree that, in the morning, they will contact "Extreme Home Makeover." In the meantime, they're angry. They will DEFINITELY win the Immunity Challenge now. Either this is foreshadowing, or they're being set up... Oh, never mind.
The very next day, more tree mail arrives. It's a message about more combat!! Cousin Hassim is beyond hoping ammunition will be involved when he sees the Survivors are given a large pillow with which to fight. Stephenie practices by attacking a defenseless tree with the pillow until it cries for mercy. The Survivors are sure this will be some contest stolen from "American Gladiators." Cousin Radul is hoping to see bodybuilders in skimpy, metallic costumes.
No bodybuilders, but the challenge is going to be a type of gladitorial combat. The Survivors will face off in pairs, trying to knock each other off a platform into the water using the pillow. Oh, and no groin kicking. Darn it; Angie immediately has to formulate a new plan. The first team to six points wins the sacred monkey. And with a wave of Probts's arm, they're off!!
Tom the Titan faces off against Bobby John. Bobby John knocks him down, but Tom gets up and smacks BJ off the platform. Stephenie goes against Jennifer, and it's no contest; Jen is in the water. The score is tied. Gregg is up against Ibrehem next. Ibrehem loses the pillow and dives overboard looking for it. In "Caryn vs. Angie," Caryn can't begin opening arguments before she is in the water. Tied again! Coby goes against James, and immediately forces the skinny redneck into the lagoon.
Next is Kim versus Janu. Will Kim actually TRY this time? She has to!! Well... no, she doesn't. Janu hits her once, and Kim turns and runs into the water. Heck, Jeff could've done that!!
It's Koror 4, Ulong 2. Looks like a rout, especially after Tom picks up Bobby John and tosses him all the way back to the beach. 5 to 2!! But then Steph and Jen face off again, and Stephenie wins. Gregg and Ibrehem fight again, and Ibrehem wins this time!! Angie goes after Caryn, and you can guess the result. The game is now tied!!!
It's down to Coby versus James. The two men go toe to toe, slugging it out for a long time. The two sweaty men wrestle all over the platform. Radul has to go take another shower. Eventually, Coby overpowers James, and rolls him off the platform. Koror wins again!!!
When Radul returns from his shower, we are having trouble with our antenna reception. Since Koror has won the challenge, Radul knows that Coby will not be shown the rest of this episode, so he volunteers to go outside and work on the antenna dish some more. After a few minutes, the picture does not get any better, and we are wondering if he is experiencing difficulties.
After the challenge at the Ulong camp, they are lamenting their defeat. James is embarassed that "his behind was whipped by a homosexual." Cousin Hassim says there are men in America who would pay handsomely for that privelege. James says gay people are strong because they "work out at the gym" all the time. Ismira begins singing "YMCA" while Azidi assists her with all the arm motions.
The men all agree, as does the television viewing audience, that Kim is worthless and must be the next one voted out. The women discuss voting off one of the men, who were pretty much worthless in the recent challenge. That would give them a 3-2 advantage, but would mean they would lose even MORE challenges. They spend a few minutes silently cursing the coconut that led to their demise.
Then, it's time for this enthusiastic bunch to head off to Tribal Council. Probst has affixed little personalized brass commemorative plaques to their seats for the occasion. He asks them the same questions: How does it feel to be the worst tribe in Survivor history? I'll bet it feels bad, doesn't it? Why are you so worthless? Why are the three remaining guys all from Alabama? Ulong, of course, can answer none of these questions.
There is a commotion outside the tent, and my daughter Azidi goes outside to take a look. She returns in astonishment to report that she saw Cousin Radul being hauled away by a US military convoy!! Apparently, the soldiers traced their equipment to our antenna! Hassim slinks quietly away to a corner of the tent. I hope they do not put Radul into a military prison; I have heard of some of the abuses there... On second thought, Cousin Radul might enjoy it.
When our attention again returns to the television, Probst is asking the Ulongs who works around camp. Kim shouts "Not Me!!" as her tribemates stare at her. Can the women survive without the men? Stephenie says of course, but they wouldn't be able to have babies. Didn't you study biology, Probst? however, she says, THESE particular men are worthless. Bobby John says he wishes Kim would go kill a bear. Or maybe get eaten by one. James chimes in to say that Coby has a nice, strong, tight behind. Before the conversation can degrade any further, Probst tells them it's time to vote.
James votes for Kim. No surprise there. Kim votes for James. No surprise there, either. Those are the only two votes we are shown, so everyone in my tent knows what this means...
And we are all correct. The vote turns out to be 5-1, and Kim is going away. Probst wonders who's going to pick up her workload now that she's gone. And Yamiin thinks I am sarcastic? The remaining five losers trudge off into the darkness, with the sound of laughing chimpanzees in the distance...
Next week, it looks like Jennifer and Gregg are beginning to snuggle. The last couple to do that are now doing it together at Loser's Lodge! Also, the Ulong tribe gets lost coming back from Tribal Council. THERE'S a surprise. And... are you ready... another TWIST!!!
And now, as a worthless little straw figure blazes above our heads, a note to all our faithful readers: It seems that Cousin Radul will be unavailable to choose his "Diva of the Week" award this episode, at least until we can find out where he is being held. We need your help!! Please post or e-mail and tell us who Radul's choice for "Diva of the Week" should be. He will be eternally grateful!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
March 03, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 3: "Snakes, Sharks, Coconuts, And Other Predators"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
So much to make fun of, so little time! Happiness has descended on my large, dysfunctional family as we look forward each week to more antics of the new batch of misfit Americans that populate our television screen. Just when we think they cannot get any odder, they seem to prove us wrong. Each batch of contestants seems crazier than the one before! Granted, my family has only seen two seasons, but you get my point. Ismira, who has followed all 10 seasons, assures us that this is true. When "Survivor" is on, we have someone to make fun of other than each other! So get ready, for the Merchant of Medina, Honest Achmed, and clan are still here (despite the gag order from the village elders) to analyze every moment of this delicious Darwinian experiment we call "Survivor: Palau!"
This week, Ismira read on the Internet that the next round of choosing contestants for "Survivor" has closed. She was outraged that her belly-dancing video was not chosen for an interview. She had already bought her airline ticket to Los Angeles in preparation for an interview! To make matters worse, travelocity.com does not offer refunds. She has spent the last week cursing Mark Burnett in a manner that I have not seen since the days of the Ayatollah, and has even spray-painted the cryptic letters "EPMB" on several buildings in the village square! She says she will give the airline ticket to one of Cousin Hassim's "associates" who will send Mark Burnett a "message." I shall have to forbid Ismira from continuing to watch "Desperate Housewives."
But on a more interesting note... My competitor, Honest Omar, has been released from the village jail and has re-opened his shop. Months ago, he tried to sell Survivor Items that I have the Mideast market on. Well, Allah's wrath came down on him, and to make a long story short (too late) he ended up in jail. Now, his shop no longer sells "Survivor" merchandise, praise be. Nowadays, he calls his enterprise "Monster Oasis," and specializes in custom-outfitting wagons, carts, and beasts of burden. He wants to ride the "reality show" craze in his own sad way. However, his biggest customer has been Cousin Radul, who is having all his camels outfitted with "spinners."
In between visits to Omar's shop, Radul had finally decided on his "Diva of the week" award. This week, he presents it to the blonde bombshell Kim. Like a true Diva, she refused to do anything remotely resembling "work", even refusing to participate in the Immunity Challenge when it was obvious her team needed all the help it could get. She was also Diva-worthy for attaching herself to Jeff, a strong, horny guy who would take care of her throughout the game. We will see if the Diva strategy works!
And speaking of "horny guys," Cousin Hassim's "Cruellest Son-Of-A-Djinn" Award goes to Jeff! Not that he DID anything remarkable cruel this week, but his overall attitide was pretty darn cruel. He was excited that Koror lost their flint, and hoped they never found it. Then, he made unnecessarily cruel remarks to poor Ashlee when he voted for her at Tribal Council.
While we're on the "Ashlee" subject, she gets my "Dumbest American Mistake" Award. First of all, for applying to a show about conniving and baskstabbing, THEN realizing she couldn't do it! Then, once on the island, we find out that she ASKED the other players to vote her off so she could go home early. This goes far beyond a mistake, but this is the harshest award I can give. Perhaps, next season, I will create the "I Want You To Suffer And Die" Award.
Ismira is still upset at not being chosen for the next round of "Survivor," and refuses to give out a Strategic Award this week. She says no one did anything particularly smart last week, and it's all Mark Burnett's fault. She repeats how he is the ulitmate Capitalist American pig until I remind her that he is not American. She retreats back to her laptop computer to continue something she calls "flaming."
Ismira will feel better once this week's episode begins. Last week on "Survivor: Palau," the Ulong Tribe won the Reward Challenge thanks to "Superfreak" Angie, but then lost the all-important Immunity Challenge again. At Tribal Council, they decided to throw out Ashlee, who was getting tired of the game already (talk about short attention spans...) Will Ulong continue to lose? Probably. Will Probst continue to humiliate the Survivors? Most likely. Will Hassim send another straw effigy up in flames? Definitely! Oh well, we can hear the new boom-box on Cousin Radul's camel as he arrives outside; let's get started!!!
My HDTV screen immediately turns blue and fuzzy. This can only mean one thing... It's nighttime after Ulong has just voted off poor Ashlee. They are moaning about how they all hate Tribal Council, and wish they didn't have to go. The thought does not occur to them to maybe win an IMMUNITY Challenge instead of a Reward Challenge.
The tribe, especially Kim, are also upset with Probst for being hard on them tonight. The thought does not occur to them that, quite possibly, that is his JOB. They are simply making it incredibly easy and thoroughly enjoyable. Probst hasn't enjoyed his job this much since he got to snuff Richard Hatch's torch! Kim says how dare Probst suggest she and Jeff have a thing going on; there's nothing going on. With that, she climbs in bed next to Jeff and goes to sleep eskimo-kissing and calling him "cuddly-wuddly pooh bear."
James sees what's going on, and says that soon they will be "sucking face." I am thinking perhaps this refers to some new form of plastic surgery. James says he has "ears like a bat"; perhaps he needs plastic surgery as well. He is also very upset that no one has called him "cuddly-wuddly pooh bear" since that night he spent in an Alabama jail. And with that thought ringing in our collective mind's eye, we say goodnight.
The next day dawns, and we see the Koror tribe singing "It's Raining Again," by SuperTramp. All nine tribemates are huddled together in a shelter big enough for three, and moaning about the cold and rainy morning. My daughter shouts the sanest thing I have heard all episode when she tells them not to wear just their underwear in the rain. Yamiin has taught her well!
Coby decides they need a bigger shelter. Oh my goodness, is he wearing a thong? Quickly, everyone, cover your eyes!! Perhaps it is Coby's groin that needs a bigger shelter! Anyway, he is working on the shelter while complaining that THEY haven't gotten the chance to vote anybody off yet. Why does Ulong get to have all the fun? Surely, there's a "Survivor" rule somewhere... People are starting to get on other people's nerves. Yes Coby, you... on ours. Put some pants on, you decadent Westerner!!!
In a prime example of what he was talking about, Caryn is upset at someone again. This time, she's the prosecutor in "Caryn vs. That Obnoxious Girl Sitting In The Canoe." She begins to go on a tirade against Katie about how she's sick of Katie talking all the time. Then Katie tries to talk, but Caryn won't let her. On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on she goes about how Katie just won't shut up. She emphasizes her point by vigorously shaking a fistful of leaves she had just collected as toilet paper. The viewers in my tent hope they were new and not used. Katie simply thinks she's crazy, and we are beginning to wonder the same thing. Only much later does Caryn realize that going ballistic on someone may not have been the smartest move. Chalk up one candidate for my weekly award!
Before Katie can call Willard her defense attorney, it's time for the Reward Challenge! Ulong shows up without Ashlee, desperately hoping this challenge won't be the traditional Survivor "Dolly Parton Look-alike Contest." Today, they're in luck. The challenge involves racing to get a floating life preserver. The first tribe member to get it back to their floating raft gets a point. And, oh, yes, full contact wrestling, dunking, hair pulling, eye-gouging, and even underwater wedgies are allowed! Hassim is cheering, and Ismira says someone named "Robbbbbbbbb" would have enjoyed this game.
The reward will be crude sewing implements and fabric, so that the Survivors can fashion Flintstones-looking clothing for themselves. Turns out that these particular contestants looked a lot uglier in their underwear than the CBS producers had anticipated, and something had to be done about it. Willard, who has already showed his swimming prowess, sits out, as does Caryn, too tired from her court case that morning.
The first round pits Tom against Jeff. Tom gets the life preserver, but then Jeff attacks him and wrestles it away from him. The men fight back and forth, and I decide that this is more entertaining than the WWF wrestling marathon that Radul picked up on the satellite dish last week. Finally, Jeff power-swims and carries both the life preserver AND Tom back to the Ulong raft. Tom is embarrassed, knowing now he will have to resign from the NYC Fire Department in disgrace.
The next round features Jennifer against Stephenie. Both beautiful young women leap into the water and head for the life ring. Several moments of absolutely breathtaking catfighting commences, with the cameramen capturing wonderful artistic shots of it all. Radul is glued to the screen, his mouth agape. Stephanie slowly outmuscles Jennifer, and the score is soon 2-0 in Ulong's favor! Radul has a tear in his eye when this scene is over.
The third round teams Angie and Bobby John against Janu and Gregg. Bobby John quickly grabs the ring while Gregg hangs back to attack him. However, Gregg has not figured on the "Tasmanian Devil," Angie. She is protecting Bobby John by forcefully dunking Janu underwater, effectively putting her out of the game. Janu is upset, as the time underwater dredges up memories of that time in Vegas when she was Houdini's assistant. Angie then leaps onto Gregg's back like a jackal in heat. (Trust me, I've seen them.) As her team cheers, she dunks him repeatedly like a traveling preacher at a revival until Bobby John makes it back to the Ulong raft for a decisive win!! Cousin Hassim is so proud of Angie. Birds of a feather...
Probst gives Ulong their sewing supplies, while telling Koror, "I have nothing for you. Go home. I have delivered more rats to your beach to torment you. And Coby, put some pants on; this is a family show."
Back at the happy Ulong camp, they decide how they can use the sewing kit. None of them actually know how to SEW, so most of the kit is useless. They decide to use it to catch fish, until they realize that none of them actually know how to FISH, either. Eventually, they wrap lengths of fabric around themselves and have a toga party.
In the middle of all this frivolity, Bobby John is having "issues." He is upset that he seems to be the only one working. Everyone else, especially Kim, seems to be pretty worthless. Especially Kim. Did he mention that Kim was worthless? Especially worthless? He would like to sue his other tribemates, but both lawyers are on the other island. Even now, Kim is watching Bobby John work, and thinking she's working by doing this. Kim says he shouldn't work so hard; it makes her feel worthless. Especially worthless.
Over at the Koror beach, the tribe can find no evidence of all the extra rats Probst promised them. And darn it, they were hungry! Turns out, all the rats have been eaten by giant, poisonous snakes hiding out in a nearby cliff. Ismira says there's a "snakes and rats" speech in there somewhere. Not taking their recent loss too hard, Tom, Ian, and Gregg go snake hunting. Ian apologizes to the snakes, promises to go to confession, then chops the heads off of two or three of the huge, venomous creatures. I know personally that snake meat is very tasty; there is a restaurant in Marrakesh that serves this delicacy with a side salad and one of those large fried onions!
As they are dripping the blood from the snakes' bodies, it begins attracting sharks into the lagoon. While most people run FROM sharks, these hungry Survivors head into the water with semi-sharp sticks. Tom wants a nice, juicy shark steak in the frying pan. I do not know how shark meat tastes; the restaurant in Marrakesh does not serve that dish. Ian tries his fish voice to lure them closer, but apparently it only works on dolphins. Maybe he could taaaaaaaaaaaalk tooooooooooooo whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaales... The sharks fall for none of these antics, and tease the Survivors before swimming away. If they only had a Filet-O-Fish (tm) Sandwich handy!
That night, something very interesting happens at the Ulong Camp. Jeff is up in the woods taking a tinkle, when he stumbles on a renegade coconut on his way back to camp. It seems he used a particular set of secret numbers to beat Tom and win the Reward challenge earlier that day, and now bad luck is following him. He twists and sprains his ankle, limping back to bed. He tells us that he hopes it will be better by the morning. Too late, Jeff; you've opened the box!!! Run for your life!!!
Day 8 is upon us, and we are treated to the sight of Bobby John in a full-on set of "Depends" and looking like a hillbilly Baby New Year. He is putting in the last safety pin in a precarious place as Jeff approaches and the two are soon involved in an animated discussion about the pros and cons of genital piercing. Jeff is hoping that this will be a restful day that will give his ankle time to heal, but I think all of us know that this is not to be. The cameramen have reported Jeff's injury back to Probst, and our macabre host jumps at the opportunity to inflict more pain and suffering.
Diaper-boy immediately finds tree mail, telling of a challenge happening that morning! We can hear Probst's evil laugh echoing between the islands. The tree mail says something about carrying your weight, and both Jeff and Kim know they're in trouble. Jeff is cursing his dumb luck. Never should've used those numbers...
And suddenly we're at the Immunity Challenge. To immediately clue the opposing team in on the situation, Probst asks Jeff if his ankle is injured. As if the wheelchair wasn't a dead giveaway. Not really caring about the answer, Probst shows them the challenge. Each Survivor will be loaded down with dead weight (No, not KIM; bags of sand.) They will be tied together and harnessed to a rectangular-shaped course in the water. The object is to chase each other in this endless loop while the viewing audience laughs at you. If you quit, you must give your sand to someone else to carry. No dunking or underwater wedgies this time. The first team to catch the other team wins Immunity. Clear? No? GO!!!!
Katie and Janu, still suffering trauma after the last water challenge, sit out as the game starts. Jeff immediately gives his pack away so he won't slow his team down. Caryn immediately does as well, but for her, it's because she's a weenie. Willard is next, then Kim and Angie for Ulong. It's Stephenie and a bunch of guys left. Tom is making the Energizer Bunny proud; not flinching even though he's carrying 340 pounds of sand already. Coby drops out next, leaving Tom carrying the rest of his teammates as well. Koror, under Tom's excellent leadership (translation: drill-seargent commanding) begins making headway on the weakening Ulong tribe. James drops out, bat ears and all.
After 6 or 7 hours, the water begins to get deeper. They have reached the expert level, and there are no cheat codes. Ulong tries running, but is just too tired. Koror is making more headway. Finally, in a burst of energy, they sprint up to the dragging Ulongs. Ian makes a Spiderman-like leap and takes down Ibrehem. Koror has won immunity again! The monkey begins his familiar trek back to Home Sweet Home, and Ulong knows that they soon will be making a familiar trek as well.
The Ulong Tribe (Now Palauan for "Perpetual Losers") is facing yet another "NOW who do we vote out?" decision. Jeff gathers everyone together and says it should be him, because he is injured, can't help the team, and has already been on TV long enough to impress that babe at the fitness center back home. If he had a torch, he would snuff it out himself. (What was that, Radul? Wh... Oh, that's just disgusting!)
This reverse-psychology ploy seems to be working. The rest of the tribe is saying "No, no, we'll keep you and kick out somebody even more worthless. Especially worthless." I wonder who they could be talking about? Kim's name is floating around camp like one of the life savers from yesterday. Some tribe members want to give Jeff his wish; some tribe members still want to vote off Kim and keep Jeff. Maybe he could run the next race on his hands. Can this tribe ever agree on ANYTHING?
Before Jeff can beg to be put out of his misery any more, it's time for Tribal Council. Probst says you've been here so much, why not just move your camp here? Kim REALLY likes him now. What, do you LIKE losing? Are you THAT bad? Or do you just want all this extra television screen time? Ulong has no answer. Ibrehem says if Jeff wasn't such a girly-man, they would've won the Immunity Challenge. Bobby John says they're all girly-men compared to Tom the Titan, and can he switch to Tom's team soon? Probst slaps him, and says the Tribal switcheroo isn't until a couple of more episodes.
Jeff (the girly-man, not Probst) continues to whine about how he's useless. Probst, already knowing the answer, asks Ibrehem who else is useless. Ibrehem says everyone works (ahem, except Kim) but some people take longer rests (ahem, Kim) and don't do as much as others (ahem, Kim). Kim begins fidgeting, suspecting that Ibrehem might be talking about her. She says that she's weak compared to to these buff, Tarzan-like slabs of oozing manhood and should be allowed to lay on the beach and do nothing. She has just lost her membership in the National Organization of Women, but will now receive an invitation from the Daughters of the Confederacy. She finishes up by saying that she'll worry about those things tomorrow.
So, Probst asks, which utterly useless person will you be voting off? As usual, Ulong has no answer, so Probst decided to get it over with and sends them off to vote. James votes for Kim, saying she's lazy. THERE's a revelation. Kim votes for jeff, saying he asked her too. (Tanslation: "Better you than me.") Bobby John votes for Kim as well.
We see the two votes for Kim, but that's all she receives. The rest of the tribe has decided to give Jeff his wish, and he is the next Survivor to walk the trail of tears. He wishes them luck, then hobbles into the night. Probst wonders aloud how this loser tribe will ever manage to turn things around. That would be the "64,000 dollar question," but none of these players will be around long enough to win that much money!
Ah, well, bad karma (and wandering through coconut-infested jungles) has claimed another victim in Survivorland. Next week, the Ulong tribe is desperate for food, an Immunity Win, and a new tailor. The tribes are instructed to choose a tribe member for a special task, and guess what? Ulong can't decide!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
February 24, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 2: "Clam, Bam, Thank You Ma'am"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Life is good again! The air smells fresher, the sun shines brighter, and the water tastes fresher. (Honest Omar moved his camels away from the town well.) My village is once again abuzz with Survivor talk, from the markets to the outlying sand dunes. Who will align with whom? Who will backstab whom? Who will win Immunity? And why in Allah's name is Cousin Radul tye-dyeing all of his sheep? Yes, Survivor Mania has settled back onto my clan, and we are as excited as when we got to vote in the Iraqi elections! (Now, if that blasted blue ink would just come off...) And as always, yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Bargain Bedouin, and clan are here to give you our unique perspective!
Last week's episode was certainly an eye-opener. Two people were not even allowed to play! Actually, that is not quite true. They got to play for one day, and played so poorly, they were not selected to go any further! Survivor is, after all, a social game, and first impressions mean quite a bit. I tried to tell that to Cousin Radul when he showed up to his first Rotary Club meeting wearing dreadlocks and low-riders!
As you may remember, last week was my daughter Azidi's first experience with "Survivor". Well, now she is hooked. She thinks the crazy Americans are "whacked" and loves to see them suffer almost as much as Cousin Hassim does. This week at school, she decided to "show and tell" about last week's episode. She and a friend painted their fingers to represent the twenty survivors and put on a finger-puppet show for the class. Unfortunately, Azidi's friend ended up in the village hospital when my daughter demonstrated how three little finger puppets didn't last the show... with a butcher knife. Well, at least the child still has her opposable thumbs!
Well, on to our family's awards. Granted, it is early in the season, but based on just one episode, we have already picked our favorites. My award, the "Dumbest American Mistake," was actually a no-brainer this week. Poor, socially maladjusted Wanda is this week's recipient! Her perky attitude and never-ending barrage of sickeningly-cute ditties made her stand out in a game of "fitting in." Of all the dumb mistakes last week, hers turned out to be the costliest.
Ismira's Strategic award goes to Coby. Unsure of the game rules or even the tribal split or dynamics, Coby surreptitiously floated Jonathon's name out among several members of the group, and planted a general seed of uncertainty that caused Jonathon not to be picked at the tribal selection. He also tried to form alliances with several different people. This a good strategy unless you have to backstab too early, as he did with Angie. We will see if this comes back to haunt him.
Coby also gets Cousin Hassim's "Cruellest Son-of-a-djinn" Award this week, for many of the same reasons. Picking poor Jonathon at random and practically single-handedly arranging his ouster was the cruellest move of the week. He also earned kudos from Hassim for being the first contestant to make someone else cry when he backstabbed Angie in the first 15 minutes of the show!
Cousin Radul's "Diva" award, surprisingly enough, goes to Jolanda. Tight, buff, with a butt crack that CBS had to blur out the entire episode, Jolanda also sported a "take nuthin' from nobody" attitude that made her especially Diva-worthy. Admittedly, it also got said butt crack voted out of the game, but sometimes a Diva must take her lumps. Cousin Radul would not last a day on "Survivor!"
Well, enough about us. Last week on "Survivor: Palau", three contestants were eliminated from the game. The remaining Survivors were then split into the "Young but Stupid" tribe and the "Wise but Flabby" tribe. In the Immunity Challenge, WBF prevailed over YBS, and Ulong made their first trek to Tribal Council. Will Ulong continue to lose? Will Koror find their missing flint? Will Coby finally lose the hot pink shirt? Azidi's bandaged friend is with us in the tent; let's get started!!!
I think my television is on the fritz again, as the images that start the show are grainy and discolored, and little figures are scurrying across the screen. But then we remember, this is Survivor "night-vision" and the little figures are rats running loose across the beach. I am thinking that this tribe has just discovered a wonderful new source of food, but the contestants don't seem to share my enthusiasm. Janu, especially, is having panic attacks with the little creatures, having been scarred for life as a young dancer while working in a Sigfried and Roy rodent show gone awry.
Caryn is upset that they followed Tom's advice and opted for the new "adventure." Like my Uncle Riazza used to say, "Adventure is just a lot of hardship a long way from home." This is certainly the case here, as the Survivors have no food (unless you count the rats), no fire, and no fresh water. Caryn begins preparing her opening arguments in the case of "Koror vs. Tom" and won't shut up about it. Katie is upset that Caryn is getting so much screen time, when she had a stand-up routine all prepared ("Hey, anybody here from another island?")
At the original campsite, the Jolanda-less Ulong tribe is waking up to a new, stress-free day. Everyone can relax and lounge around, without having to worry about pesky little things like food, fire, or water. Yes, life is good! Soon, however, it becomes clear that no one is quite sure WHAT to do. Without Jolanda, the time clock is all messed up, and no one is sure when to rest and when to work, and people are abusing the employee pension plan. Eventually, the CBS producers steer them in the right direction, and they tromp off into the woods to collect their treemail.
The treemail warns them of an upcoming challenge (isn't that what treemail does, anyway) and hints at combat between the tribes. Cousin Hassim immediately begins drooling, and wonders what sort of military-grade hardware the players will be issued. He is alreading dreaming of mustard gas and phosphorous grenades! I am hoping he will not be too disappointed; we are having buffalo lamb tonight, and if he throws his bowl at the screen, the sauce is very difficult to clean.
Angie is pondering her fate. She realizes she is viewed as the weakest member of her tribe and decides her best strategy is to try her hardest in the Challenge to prove she's not JUST a weird, tattooed, bartending freak from New Orleans. I turn to Ismira and whisper "foreshadowing" to her before she can do it to me. Ismira glares at me with a look that lets me know it will be a long, lonely night. But to Angie's credit, Ismira says, doing well in challenges is ALMOST always a good bet. Unless you're in mid-game, when you don't want to look like a threat; unless you're in a power dyad or tryad and moving toward endgame or if you're an unaligned singleton looking for a WOE alliance... it begins to boggle my brain, and I get up to serve myself more buffalo lamb. Ismira goes back to her blogging.
Sure enough, it is soon time for the Reward Challenge. Probst shows the Koror tribe how Ulong voted out their strongest player Jolanda, and Koror has a good laugh. He then asks Koror how their new flint is working out, and then ULONG gets to have a good laugh. Now that Probst has humiliated both teams, let's get to the challenge!
It will be balancing obstacle course, with players having to make their way over a rope swing, rolling barrels, a balance beam, a bridge, another rope, then through a hail of mortar fire (okay, Hassim made that last part up). They must collect ten flags and bring them back through the course to win the reward of fishing gear and more flint. Except for Koror, Jeff says, and laughs diabolically. He is truly my hero. And to appease Cousin Hassim, the teams will be allowed to swing heavy bags of sand at each other. Not exactly small weapons fire, but Hassim is satisfied. Willard sits out for Koror, not wanting to put his sniper skills to use just yet.
And they're off!! Coby is quickly pummelled by a bag and my family laughs. James leaps and hits the landing platform, and all the men in my tent cross their legs and grimace. A few more of the young studs try the course, but are knocked into the water as well.
Then Katie and Angie hit the ropes. Angie quickly makes short work of the course, scampering across it like, according to Ismira, someone named "Boston Rob." Katie, always the comedienne, is making everyone (on the other tribe, anyway) laugh by making a fool of herself on the ropes. Several players from Ulong pass her and get their flags while she entertains the crowd. Finally, Willard helps her make it across (can he DO that while sitting out?) and she makes it to the flag. She collapses from a combination of exhaustion and embarrassment, and is out of the game.
Angie, meanwhile, has gotten several more flags, and is being hailed as the Betsy Ross of her team. Others from Ulong get their flags as well, and Kim finally comes through with the final flag to secure Ulong's first win! They grab their fishing gear and the Hawaiian sling, which Ismira likes to call "Rupert's Rod." And to further add to Koror's humiliation, they get a flint as well.
Back at the Ulong Camp, things have turned around for Angie. See what I said about the foreshadowing? Her teammates are congratulating her. They still think she's a freak, of course, but now she's a VALUABLE freak. Until next Tribal Council, anyway. They quickly start a fire and start boiling water.
The young guns of the tribe head out into the water and manage to nab a few fish. In addition, they come back with a giant clam. Did they spear it with "Rupert's Rod?" If so, I hope they didn't lose the tip... Jeff is happy they're eating, and hopes that Koror never finds their flint, and spends eternity in the fiery pits of Hades. A nice guy, that Jeff... Ismira says his fully-shaved body really creeps her out. She is used to us swarthy Middle Eastern men!
Meanwhile, back at the rat-infested stinkhole that is the Koror camp, it's time to recover their lost flint and finally re-enter the Stone Age. The tribe takes the canoe out at high tide with a strong current, when finding the flint will be the easiest. I'm sorry, was the sarcasm that obvious? Ian dives down and uses his college degree to communicate with a school of dolphins in the area who may have seen the lost flint box. When the dolphins stop laughing, then tell him where the flint is. After much swimming and paddling, the Koror tribe finally manages to tie the crate to the canoe and drag it back to shore.
The tribe finally makes fire. (Actually, Ismira is blogging and informs us that the Koror tribe actually lost the flint AGAIN, making even further fools of themselves. I think she is just making this up.) The fire rejuvenates the tribe, and they realize that things aren't so bad. Denial is such a calming emotional state of being.
Later that night, the Ulong tribe is cleaning their giant prehistoric clam around their newly-made fire. Soon, a boiling pot of New England clam chowder is on the menu. Sounds of slurping and slobbering fill the air. However, Mormons apparently don't eat shellfish (a fact I did not know) and Ashlee decides she is not hungry. After all, it's only been four days without food! She is happy with her coconuts (Stop giggling, Radul) and she heads off to bed. The others notice her antisocial behavior, and I make a notation for another Dumb American Mistake. This is a social game, people!! Some of the others try to encourage her to eat, but to no avail.
In the middle of the night, more sounds of slurping and slobbering fill the air. This time, it's Jeff and Kim, getting friendly. They are snuggling with each other, obstensibly to keep warm. Ismira is shaking her head, mumbling something about "Rob and Amber" and saying the others better watch out. Personally, I am appalled at the thought of two smelly, sweaty, dirty people engaged in... but I digress.
Angie, now a major player in the Ulong tribe, is taking Ismira's advice. She is suspicious that the two of them are forming too close of a bond and may have some sort of alliance. Radul says they are having SOMETHING, but it is not an alliance. Allah help me; the perversions are everywhere I turn!!
The sun once again rises over Palau, and the castaways find a mysterious item in their tree mail box... An army mess kit with dots and dashes engraved on it. Ulong thinks the next challenge will be to use the mess kit to create a Fat-Albert junkyard band, but my clan knows better. This can only mean one thing; more pain and suffering are about to ensue!
The accompanying note says "Learn Morse Code" and Cousin Radul begins stomping his feet before I remind him that it not "HORSE Code." Ulong begins tearing up the code sheet and learning bits of the code. Jeff learns "X,G,and R" while our loveable redneck James already knows the Morse code for "F.U." The sooner this man is off my HDTV, the better!
Shortly thereafter, we see both tribes arriving at the challenge site. Ulong canoes to the CORRECT island this time. Probst asks Koror to kindly return the wooden monkey, which they tearfully do. Ismira says it has brought them bad luck so far, and reminds her of a certain tiki from "The Brady Bunch."
This Immunity Challenge looks to be a tough one, but then again, I am a desert-dweller so any water challenge frightens me. Two heavy footlockers rest on the ocean floor, tied to a three-mile length of underwater rope that the Survivors must pull while holding their breath and holding their underwear (no more blurring, please!) The first tribe to pull their footlocker near will open it to reveal more coded pots and pans. Then, they will spell the winning answer in Morse Code. Koror sits out Katie, who had only studied the letters X, Q, and Z.
GO!!! The victims, er, Survivors all plunge into the water, and the young Ulong tribe quickly swims their way out to their floating platform. Willard, who has apparently taken swimming lessons from Vanuatu's Scout, slowly doggy-paddles his way out into the lagoon. Once he arrives, his team is far behind.
Ulong is in a sizeable lead until we are introduced to the Man From Atlantis, aka Tom. The NYC firefighter dives under water and pulls on the rope with ease, steadily moving the footlocker closer. For Ulong, Ashlee tries to swim down to the rope, but her personal floatation devices won't let her stay down long enough to help. Kim, with a similar medical condition, doesn't even attempt it.
Koror has implemented the "buddy system," where two or more people go down and pull the rope. Ulong hasn't mastered the "two are stronger than one" concept, and sends their young studs down one at a time. These studs' chests are obviously all muscle and no air capacity, because none of them can stay down long enough to even tug on the rope. Tom has been underwater for thirty-seven minutes pulling the rope now, and Koror is well in the lead. They open their footlocker and quickly free the imprisoned mess kits. Amnesty International would be proud!
From here on, it is an embarrassing rout. Ulong keeps treading water while Koror experiments with how many different words they can spell with the painted pots. After forming "tiny, minty, timmy, tummy, unity," and a host of others, Probst points out they are playing the wrong game. In THIS one, they only have to form ONE word. They quickly spell out "Immunity" while Ulong has changed their strategy and is looking for more clams. Probst returns the wooden monkey to the victorious tribe, and sends the losers back to camp, with no clams.
Ulong paddles back to their beach, finally locating it after a wrong turn at Guam. They find their camp once more, but the rain has all but extinguished their fire. They scoop up what embers they can salvage and bring them to the shelter of a nearby cave. A cave!?? My family is shocked and amazed. Why haven't they used this cave before? We begin booing and hissing at the foolish tribe on the television. Azidi's little friend makes a gesture that I am sure would have been obscene had the child still retained all her fingers.
The plotting begins anew. They are getting quite good at it by now. James, Angie, and Stephenie discuss getting rid of Kim, because she didn't help at the challenge, is generally worthless, and they are appalled that her black roots are beginning to show. But to show that their intelligent scheming does indeed have its limits, they quickly inform Jeff of their plans. Yes, the same Jeff that is already forming his own Final Two alliance with said Kim. Will he go along with the idea? Okay, everybody, all together now... DUH!!!!!
Jeff suggests Ashlee instead. She is looking tired, and she didn't partake in the sacred Palau clam-bonding ritual the night before. The Ulong tribe seems to be split on the matter. Let's see; indecisiveness on the Ulong tribe? Go figure! Ashlee or Kim? Kim or Ashlee? James suggests they have a wet T-shirt contest to determine the winner. Ashlee, to her credit, says they should break up the dynamic duo of Jeff and Kim. Ismira says for once, someone is thinking straight. Unfortunately, with the way Ulong is going, I think this means Ashlee is a goner.
Everyone is nervous about a tie at Tribal Council. Will it be decided by trivia questions, previous votes, a purple rock of death, or some other devious invention of Jeff Probst? James suggests the wet T-shirt contest again. In my tent, Cousin Hassim firmly believes a tie should be decided by hand-to-hand combat. Or fist-to-face combat. Or knee-to-groin combat; Hassim doesn't really care.
And thus we are left wondering as the Ulong Tribe (which is now Paluan for "aimless wanderers") makes their way to Tribal Council, finally locating it after a wrong turn at Fiji. Probst sits them down and wastes no time in pulling out all their dirty laundry. (Radul, I know they haven't taken a bath in days; it is just a figure of speech.) He comments how poor, freakish Angie has gone from loser in a loser tribe to valuable in a loser tribe. Angie screams "I Rock!!!", jumps up, plays air guitar, and makes various rocker symbols with her hands.
The key phrase, though, is still "loser tribe." So, how does that feel, loser tribe? Ulong admits that it feels bad, not having had the chance to touch Probst's monkey yet, but there's still time. Kim says it doesn't feel good (an understatement) and that they don't want to lose anybody. Translation: don't kick me out; kick out the OTHER chick with big breasts!
Probst, who has watched the tapes of Jeff and Kim snuggling because he was lonely from missing Julie Berry, asks them to comment on their relationship. Taking the bait hook, line, and sinker (cool analogy from a desert dweller, no?), Jeff and Kim both admit to having a bond. It's just a bond; not an alliance. They plan on sticking together to the very end and voting everyone else off, but it's not an alliance, really. Not by the definition of alliance. (Thank you, Mr. Clinton; you may sit down now.) The other tribe members are not buying it for a minute.
Probst asks James who he's voting for. James says well, I wanted to have this here contest like back home... but the other players shut him up. He finally says he's voting for someone who's ready to go home. The entire world is ready for HIM to go home, but I think the rules prohibit a vote against yourself. Probst really doesn't care who they're voting for; he just wanted to give James the chance to say more stupid stuff for the camera. Having gotten multiple quality redneck sound bytes, he says it's time to vote.
We see Ibrehem voting for Kim; he says he can't betray Ashlee. We are not sure why; doesn't he understand that to win, you pretty much have to betray EVERYBODY? Then Jeff votes for Ashlee, and makes a snide remark about how she bugs "the hell out of him." Azidi's friend makes another would-have-been-obscene gesture at the screen. Jeff is not her favorite player.
Probst reads the votes, and poor, sweet, flotationally-challenged Ashlee is already getting teary-eyed. Perhaps this won't be the close vote we were expecting! He reveals a vote for Kim, then one for Ashlee, then one for Jeff. Jeff seems perplexed that anyone would vote for him and his sweet personality.
However, all the rest of the votes are for Ashlee, and the would-be Mormon sex symbol (her words, not ours) is sent down the trail of doom into the darkness. I am personally sad to see her go; I was just getting started on the Ashlee jokes! Probst begins chanting "Loser tribe; loser tribe; loser tribe," and tells them they need goals and direction. I don't know, maybe a... leader? Perhaps their executive committee could look into the matter.
As yet another top-heavy straw figurine bursts into flames over our heads, we see the previews for next week. It looks like the Koror tribe goes hunting sharks with sticks. I see "Dumb American Mistake" written all over this! Also, Jeff's foot is injured (probably from sticking it in his mouth too much) and Caryn the lawyer and Katie the stand-up comedian are gearing up for a catfight!! Looks to be interesting!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
February 17, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 1: "Choices, Challenges, Chumps, And A Wooden Monkey"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
It's showtime! Or as we like to call it in my village, "Close the shops, the crazy Americans are back on TV." It's time for more starvation, dehydration, whining, splinters, blisters, sprains, tears, bruised egos, women in underwear, arguing, backstabbing, plotting, fishing, chopping, coconut-smashing, torch-snuffing, catty remarks, and half-naked men than anyone should have to endure. What more can you ask for any hour on television other than "Jerry Springer?" If this seems overwhelming, have no fear: Honest Achmed, Salesman of the Sinai, and clan are here to take you through the twists and turns of yet another season!
Every Friday morning, my village is all but deserted, with everyone in their tents getting ready for another exciting season of "Survivor!" Streets are empty, stores are closed like on an Arab holy day, and even the camels go without a bath! Cousin Radul enjoys the quiet time, for it gives him a chance to do his daily jog through the streets. He says he can wear his "buff" while jogging, and no one will laugh at him. I do not have the heart to tell him that he is not supposed to wear ONLY the buff.
My tent is decorated for the occasion. Yamiin, my second wife, and Ismira, my fourth wife, have spent days adorning our abode with handmade Survivor signs, painted in the new Survivor tribe colors of blue, brown, and green. Camoflauge is everywhere! My daughter Azidi is not sure what the fuss is all about (she has never seen "Survivor" before) but has made herself a camo-colored set of capri pants and bare-midriff top. I shall have to speak with her mother about this; she is too young to be dressing like a belly-dancer!
Even Cousin Hassim has helped out with the decorating in his own way. He has made little straw effigies of each of the twenty Survivors and hung them from the ceiling of the tent. Every week, he plans to set fire to the survivor who was voted off that episode. A macabre tribute to be sure, but at least he is helping! I will have to make sure we have a fire extinguisher standing by, or it will be a repeat of that incident with the goat meat flambe'...
Ismira has set up shop in one corner of the tent. With her new wireless-enabled laptop computer, she plans on staying connected and monitoring the Internet traffic in "real-time" during the show. She is setting up an Internet chat room entitled "Survivor Hunks vs. Those Who Blow Chunks." Where she gets these ideas, I have no clue. She is also becoming heavily involved in something she calls "blogging." I am not sure what this is, but I hope it is not illegal in the Arab World! Radul is sure that it is some sort of new American dance.
We are also getting ready to give out our family's weekly awards. For my part, my "Dumbest American Move" award is already leaning toward Wanda. I heard her singing, and if the other contestants hear her, she will be the first one gone! Ismira is withholding judgement on "Best Strategic Move" until she actually sees the show. Radul is all but certain to give his "Diva of the Week" award to Kimberly, because she is tall and has "huge tracts of land," whatever that means. We are still trying to convince Cousin Hassim that he can't give his "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djinn" award to Jeff Probst every week!
Well, the clan has finally assembled, and we are eagerly anticipating this new season. We have read about the contestants, argued amongst ourselves, and have generally come to the conclusion that we have no idea of what is about to happen. The twenty little effigies sway ominously above our heads as we grab our bowls of dried dates and settle down in front of the wide-screen HDTV. Cousin Hassim has his lighter ready and waiting; let's get started!!!
Finally, after many long weeks of waiting, our television is once again filled with the sight of a fresh, new, naive set of Americans ready to undergoe various and sundry tortures at the hands of Jeff Probst. My tent cheers as we see the twenty new Survivors set adrift, rowing a large wooden liferaft through wartime wreckage in the beautiful waters of the South Pacific. Around a corner of the nearest island cruises our host, in his own powered speedboat. Cousin Hassim is sure the game will start with Probst ramming the Survivors, demolishing their boat and maiming several in the process. He already loves this season.
Alas, it is not to be. Probst approaches the Survivors and points out a beach about a mile ahead of them. On the beach are two necklaces; whichever man and woman who reaches them first and doesn't mind wearing the gaudy costume jewelry can have Immunity. He then tells them that the game has started, then leaves. The Survivors are understandably confused, with James telling us what we already know; Jeff Probst is one cruel son-of-a-djinn.
Coby, panicking that he will have to spend the entire game in a hot pink dress shirt, immediately jumps up to exit the boat, sure that he can swim faster than nineteen people can row. Where do they find these deep thinkers; even my desert-dwelling family has more sense than that! The other Survivors pull him back down and continue rowing. Hassim says they should have let him jump; the current would have carried him out to sea and all the way back to Vanuatu.
In another installment of "Don't These People Ever Learn," Wanda begins serenading the other contestants during the voyage with all the Survivor limericks she has created in the nine seasons she has been waiting to get on the show. Willard and Coby, among others, contemplate if cracking her skull open with an oar would be a violation of the game rules. Wanda, for her part, wants this game to be one big shindig, and wants to party "like it's 1899." Hassim is already getting his lighter ready.
As they near shore, Jonathon and Stephenie also assume they can outrace a boat full of rowers and leap out of the craft. Sure enough, the boat immediately leaves them in its wake. Picking the "Dumbest American Mistake" will be very difficult this week! In a few more moments, the boat reaches shallow water and all the smart people finally abandon ship and race for shore.
Tall, lanky, could-play-for-the-Globetrotters-if-he-wasn't-white Ian makes it to shore first and claims the men's necklace. Strong, athletic, could-play-for-the-Globetrotters-if-she-wasn't-female Jolanda makes it to shore next and grabs the necklace for the ladies. Everyone collapses to the sand and begins introducing themselves, noticing that they have no buffs, no tribe or tribe names, and a generic banner leftover from "Big Brother 4". Sometime before sunset, Jonathon and Stephenie finally make it to shore.
To their credit, the contestants realize that they need shelter and water, at the very least. Four of the Survivors head into the jungle to find water while the rest begin hacking through the Palau virgin forest, quickly adding to the deforestation of the planet and contributing to overall global warming. Wanda helps out by singing a rousing rendition of "There once was a Survivor from Nantucket..."
In true Survivor fashion, the players decide it's time to "get nekkid," and divide their time between building a shelter and stripping away portions of their clothing. You would think they were all vying for Cousin Radul's "Diva Award!" Some even try the time-honored Survivor tradition of blistering their hands on a rough stick on Day 1 in hopes a fire will miraculously erupt.
The water-searchers eventually find a freshly-dug water well (what a coincidence!) as well as a bag filled with all the Survivors' shoes! So much for the commercial hype about "stranded with nothing." As they travel, fellow oddballs Coby and Angie decide to team up and stick together. Apparently, they were under the impression that this was going to be "Survivor: The Island of Misfit Toys." As it turns out, Angie is in need of a good hairdresser, and Coby is in need of multiple body piercings. Ah, the Circle of Life!
Back at the beach, Janu is helping with the shelter by offering to climb a particularly tall tree to set some support poles. Ismira begins to get teary-eyed as Janu climbs the tree, remembering poor Brady from last season, but then sees Gregg in the background of the scene and is quickly mollified. Janu proves to be quite adept shimmying up the tree, which she attributes to her rock-climbing skills. Cousin Radul says it was more likely from years of pole-dancing in Las Vegas.
Even on Day one, everyone is already getting into the game. Tom and Stephenie are plotting. Coby is busy telling everyone that Jonathon has cooties. Jolanda is eating bugs already. James is showing everyone his luxury item, a "Redneck-to-Klingon Dictionary." Mini-alliances are forming, with no one knowing if or when a Tribal Council will take place. Eventually, the Survivors settle in for the night with James snoring loudly (in Redneck or Klingon, we are not told.)
The next morning, Jeff Probst shows up to begin playing devious mind games with the Survivors. He tells them that the two necklace wearers will last the next 10 minutes of the game, but the others may not. Hassim begins flicking his lighter menacingly. Ian and Jolanda will eack pick a Survivor of the opposite sex, who will then in turn pick a member of the opposite sex. Where Coby fits in, we will have to wait and see. The last two losers left standing will be taunted, humiliated, and sent to Loser's Lodge.
Ian chooses Katie. Jolanda chooses Bobby John. Katie chooses Tom. Bobby John chooses Stephenie. Tom chooses Janu. Choosy mothers choose Jif. Stephenie chooses Jeff. Janu Chooses Gregg. Jeff chooses Kim. Gregg chooses Marcia... oops, that's Jenn. Kim chooses James (she speaks Arabic AND Redneck). Jenn chooses Coby. James chooses Ashlee. Coby chooses Caryn, not Angie. Ouch. Coby didn't realize that Angie was a GIRL! Ashlee chooses Ibrehem. Caryn chooses ex-sniper, postal worker Willard over young, buff Jonathon, and Jonathon is out of the game. Ibrehem, knowing his teammates would KILL him if he invited the human jukebox into their tribe, picks Angie as the final member instead.
Jonathon and Wanda are tossed into a waiting speedboat, never to be heard from again until "The Early Show." Wanda begins singing, and Jonathon hangs his head, thinking, "Oh my God, 38 more days stuck with THIS?" Hassim fires up the lighter, and my tent is filled with smoke as two little straw effigies erupt into flames.
When the smoke clears, Probst has handed out blue and brown buffs, and has named the tribes "Ulong" and "Koror." "Ulong" is Palauan for "young and stupid," while "Koror" is Paluan for "wise but flabby." He tells them that they will be two tribes living on one beach. And we all thought Oscar Madison and Felix Unger had it bad!!!
Both newly-formed tribes head back to their beach. Angie can't figure out why peaple shied away from her and didn't pick her until last, and is mad at Coby for not picking her when she thought they had an alliance. I am thinking "Be glad you learned this lesson on Day 2, and it didn't get your torch snuffed."
A new day, and the two teams meet for the first Immunity / Reward challenge. In true "Let's Make Their Lives Miserable From The Start" fashion, the producers have created a painful jungle obstacle course consisting of ropes, tires, walls, and a mud pit. Then, the tribe will jump into a boat and row out to a flag so the television viewing audience can laugh at their lack of teamwork skills. Along the way, the teams will have the opportunity to add to their pain by carrying over-weighted boxes of supplies if they choose.
The team that wins this race will get all the heavy supplies they carried, plus an ugly wooden monkey that serves at this season's Immunity Idol. Radul immediately starts mumbling something about "touching his monkey." The losing team gets nothing, and will have to vote someone out tonight. Before James can call Probst any more foul names, they're off!!
Both teams are relatively close through the rope maze and the tire obstacles. At the cache of supplies, Koror makes a wise move and carries only the 150-pound box containing flint with which to make fire. They grab the box and continue racing through the course. Ulong, already falling behind, decides to take EVERYTHING. Jolanda is convinced that carrying 1000-plus pounds of extra luggage will actually INCREASE their chances of catching up to the other team. Apparently, the laws of gravity work different in Palau.
But they don't. Ulong falls further behind as Koror leaps into their canoe and expertly, as a team, paddles out to their flag. Ulong finally makes it to their canoe and heads out into the lagoon. Soon, they realize that the canoe works best if everyone is paddling in the same general direction. Some are paddling forward while others are paddling backward, and their canoe actually stretches three inches!
It's a hopeless cause. Koror returns to the beach with their flag while the Palauan Coast Guard has to hunt down and rescue the Ulong canoe. Koror gets to "touch the monkey," as well as keep their flint. They are also given a choice to return to their old beach and already-built shelter, or head out to a new, unknown beach. For some unknown reason, they opt to try the new beach, find a new water supply, and build a new shelter from scratch. Go figure... Probst hurls a few more insults at the Ulong tribe, and tells them he'll see them at Tribal Council tonight.
As Koror heads to their new home, they prove that their canoe skills need a little work as well. In a replay of "The Poseidon Adventure," a large wave hits and topples the boat, spilling the flint box all the way to the ocean floor. Much moaning and self-pity ensues. They complain that things are now worse than they were before. I am sure Ulong would gladly trade places with them! Lesson here: Never, EVER, take what's behind door Number One. Jeff Probst is no Monty Hall.
Speaking of Ulong, the scheming has begun. Jolanda steps up to say that they can live off of coconuts for 39 days. Can anyone say, "Plantains?" She also begins to lay out union rules for working and taking breaks, including sick leave, vacation days, and "flex-time". She makes it clear that she wants Angie out because... well, come to think of it, she really doesn't make it clear at all. Still, she has Ibrehem and Bobby John on her side.
The others, however, are getting tired of Jolanda already. Several of them meet to discuss if having the human jukebox wouldn't have been better than the human time clock. Angie is very glad that someone else's name is being considered along with hers and readily throws her support their way. In true Louisiana style, she offers to vote at Tribal Council two or three times if it will help!
And with that, it is time for said Tribal Council. This season, it is being held in what appears to be a war bunker, complete with military hardware. Large cannons loom over Probst's head, and Cousin Hassim hopes they will be used on the ousted Survivor. Hassim is such a dreamer!
Probst asks the Ulong tribe if there have been any surprises. Stephenie says she's been starving. Don't even get me started... James says the tribe has a lot of testosterone, especially Jolanda. I would not have thought he knew what that word meant. Probst reminds them that although they're strong, they're stupid, too, and that's why they lost. Jolanda tries without success to explain her "gravity is different in Palau" strategy, while Stephenie rolls her eyes. Jolanda also says the tribe has no leader. The tribe needs a leader. She wants to be the leader. She could be a good leader. She likes being a leader. Did she mention the tribe has no leader? She wants to be the leader. She could be a good leader. However, she doesn't want to appear too eager or bossy. My daughter Azidi begins shouting "TOO LATE!!" at the screen. She is really getting into the swing of things!
Probst, always a master of the obvious, asks Angie if she feels like an outcast. Angie answers, yes, my whole life... It started with my mother in elementary school... Before the CBS psychologist can be called in, Probst has cut off her life story and says it's time to vote.
To no one's surprise, we see Jolanda voting for Angie. We also see Angie voting for Jolanda. We see James writing something; Cousin Radul owes me 50 dinari now that we know James is literate!
Jeff begins to count the votes. After four votes, it's 3 for Angie and 1 for Jolanda. Both of Angie's nose rings begin to quiver. But then, the remainder of the votes all turn out to be for Jolanda, and it's goodbye to the Woman Who Would Be Queen! Probst wastes no time in snuffing Jolanda's torch, then tells the Ulong tribe that they are the biggest losers he has seen since "Survivor: Thailand," and he's not letting them take any fire back home with them. Now begone!!!
All in all, a satisfying end to an interesting episode. Hassim is even now setting fire to another little straw figurine, and it is time to sit down and decide who gets which award for this week. Next week, it looks like Probst lets the rats loose on the Koror Tribe (I told them not to take Door Number 1), Angie does some more moaning about being an outcast, and the search is on for the missing flint. Even now, Wanda is singing "There's A Hole In The Bottom Of The Sea..."
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
January 12, 2005
Middle East Guide To Survivor: Palau
"Rested, Ready, And Itching"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Can you believe it's almost time for more "Survivor?" It seems like only last week our "Survivor: Vanuatu" celebration ended. Actually, it WAS just a few days ago; our celebration of last season's ending went on for several weeks! There was dancing in the streets, mobs of people, and more utter mayhem than at Yasser Arafat's funeral! But now, with both those events behind us, we can look forward to another crazy season of watching fat, lazy Americans suffer all manner of unpleasantness. Pass the kivi, and we'll see what this season brings! And no better person to bring it to you than yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Red Sea Retailer...
With the official announcement of the new cast of "Survivor" victims, my family is once again in full swing. Yamiin, my second wife, has been up all night for the last week planning newer, larger, and more exotic menus for our weekly gatherings. Allah help my cholesterol!!!
Ismira, my fourth wife, has not been idle during these past weeks. Although the official cast announcement just took place, our local "Survivor" expert has been scouring the Internet searching for "spoilers" of the newest castaways. She has taken some of the winnings from her Internet betting last season and upgraded her Commodore 64 computer to a new wireless laptop with a high-speed broadband connection. She has long ago discovered the names and pictures of all the contestants, as well as discovering the joys of something she calls "Online Halo 2." She has not performed any "wifely duties" in over two weeks!
Cousins Radul and Hassim have re-joined our family after spending two weeks in jail. It seems that at some point during our post-Survivor celebration, the two of them had way too much to drink, and were caught in the town square doing the "Rich and Sue Bump 'n Grind." (It pains me to even write about it...) After becoming sober, they realized in horror what they had done, and both men had to be put on suicide watch for three days! It took a half-year's wages worth of bribes to finally get our cousins released. I suspect they will now be my indentured servants for life...
But I have other joys; my daughter Azidi has finally returned from boarding school in Khartoum! She is Yamiin's child, but looks to Ismira as her role model (for better or worse.) The boarding school requested she take a year off from school; not because her grades had suffered, but because all the other students were going broke! Between Azidi selling them all the Number 2 pencils they could use, and her selling bootleg copies of "Lizzie McGuire" episodes from America, all her fellow students' bank accounts were quickly drained. Like father, like daughter! Anyway, Azidi has never seen "Survivor" before, but she is a quick study.
My family has decided, this season, that we are now the reigning "Survivor" family in the Middle East. As such, we feel expert enough in the "Survivor" field to begin handing out our own weekly awards to the new cast. Ismira will be judging the best strategic move by a player each week. I, on the other hand, will give out the award for the "Dumbest American Mistake" of the week. Cousin Hassim, being the hard-core anarchist he is, will judge which Survivor was the cruelest you-know-what each show. And Cousin Radul, not to be left out, will decide which Survivor was the biggest Diva each episode, based on fashion sense, attitude, and surgical body enhancements.
Well, enough about us; let's look at Palau! In the South Pacific again this time, these beautiful islands were the site of much combat in World War 2. More fruit trees (please, no more plantains!), sandy shores, and wrecked hulks of war-ravaged machinery. Both Cousin Hassim and I are drooling! Hassim hopes there will be challenges involving bazookas and unexploded land mines, and I am thinking of expanding my merchandise lines to include military surplus equipment!
Jeff Probst is back as well; we'll see if he has any more dastardly tricks up his sleeve! And Ismira informs us that there will be TWENTY castaways this time around, and that THREE will go home the first Tribal Council! More changes!!! Well, this insane, deliciously vicious curse we call "Survivor" is upon us once more; let's get started!!!
Angie Jakusz, Age 24
Bartender: New Orleans, Louisiana
Okay, we're starting off strong this season, aren't we? This girl has lived in San Francisco, New York, and New Orleans, three of the strangest cities in the western world. She's another bartender (aren't they getting tired of bartenders?) and has adorned herself with tatoos. Ismira says she's a female "Lex", while Cousin Hassim is strangely intrigued. She likes to heckle; once that gets her kicked off of "Survivor," she can watch the episodes with us!
Ashlee Ashby, Age 22
Student: Easley, South Carolina
A "Practicing Mormom"... What does that mean? She hasn't learned it yet? She is heavy into fitness and Mormonism. Ismira says the last Mormon on "Survivor" did quite well, except for a certain half-sucked candy episode... We'll see if her fitness helps her, or if her religion hurts her. An interesting one to watch!
Bobby Jon Drinkard, Age 27
Waiter/Model: Troy, Alabama
Let's see, where to begin? Fraternity boy, loves going to concerts, Cosmo magazine, model/waiter, lettered in football... He embodies everything we despise about the West!! From his interviews, it is obvious he thinks WAY too much of himself. My family is hoping he is gone before the first episode even premieres!
Caryn Groedel, Age 46
Civil Rights Attorney: Solon, Ohio
Lawyer, and mother of three. Both good qualities for "Survivor." She is still a bit ambiguous to me, though. If the "younger, cuter girls" don't gang up on her, she should last a while. I will withold further comment until I see more of her (Now stop that; you know what I meant, Radul!)
Coby Archa, Age 32
Hairstylist: Athens, Texas
A hairstylist who likes to visit museums? Sounds like the perfect "Survivor" candidate! (Yamiin tells me, once again, to be careful with my biting sarcasm.) Perhaps his tribemates can fool him into believing that Palau is actually a WW2 museum! If not, he will be gone before you can say, "Spritz or no spritz?" Cousin Radul, however, likes Coby for some unexplicable reason. Maybe because they've both spent time in jail...
Gregg Carey, Age 28
Business Consultant: Chicago, Illinois
I shall have to watch Ismira carefully, she already has her eyes set on this new boy-toy. Athlete, adventure racer, mountain climber... they sound like good qualities, but not always "Survivor" qualities. "His strength may be his weakness," is what my Uncle Abbas used to say. Of course, Uncle Abbas was 6-4" and 105 pounds, and was killed by a sumo wrestler while vacationing in Tokyo last year...
Ian Rosenberger, Age 23
Dolphin Trainer: Key Largo, Florida
This man has an unstable look in his eyes that tells me he understands how unpredictable the game of "Survivor" really is. His college career has shown that he can indeed make friends and influence people, better qualities than swimming or mountain climbing when it comes to this game. His outdoor experience should prevent him from being percieved as weak; look for him to go far. Azidi, however, thinks his hair is "dorky."
Ibrehem Rahman, Age 27
Waiter: Birmingham, Alabama
Apart from studying several different things in college and never finishing them, we know little to nothing about this man. He has done some modeling; and of course we all know THAT'S a "Survivor" prerequisite. (I know, Yamiin. I will stop soon.) Because he seems like he can't ever finish anything, Ismira has dubbed him "Osten Jr." Time will tell if he is able to finish this new challenge.
James Miller, Age 33
Steelworker: Mobile, Alabama
Another man who can't seem to finish college. (See the value of a good education, Azidi? If not, you might end up like one of these people!) He wants to be the first redneck to win "Survivor." Obviously, he didn't see the ending of "Survivor: Vanuatu." Sorry, James!!
Janu Tornell, Age 39
Vegas Showgirl: Las Vegas, Nevada
A Las Vegas showgirl? I suspect there is more to this woman than we think. Radul says she is probably the only Survivor to have ever worn a bellydancer outfit and get paid for it. In public, anyway. Does being a professional performer give her an unfair advantage? She was also a former Miss Nevada USA. Hello, Janu? Hugh Heffner calling...
Jeff Wilson, Age 21
Personal Trainer: Ventura, California
Athletic, and... athletic... and... let's see, athletic. Not getting much else here. My Magic 8 ball even says, "Future Unclear." If athleticism is the only thing he has going for him, then he's in big trouble. For some reason, he reminds me of Brook from Vanuatu, and we all know what happened there...
Jennifer Lyon, Age 32
Nanny: Encino, California
Spent some time in Europe, does some photography work as well. Her occupation is listed as "nanny." Somebody tell her she applied for the wrong reality show! Ismira says if Mark Burnett wanted a nanny on the show, Fran Drescher would have been more entertaining. Azidi took one look at Jennifer and said, "The clue meter is reading zero."
Jolanda Jones, Age 39
Lawyer: Houston, Texas
If someone could win "Survivor" from their biography alone, then give this woman the million dollars already! Magna Cum Laudes everywhere you look, a track and field star, almost made the Olympic Team, a corporate lawyer. This woman has overcome hardships and setbacks in her life that will make "Survivor" look like a cakewalk! She has the ability to go far in this game if she can keep her attiture even-tempered.
Jonathon Libby, Age 23
Sales & Marketing: Dallas, Texas
This young man is a survuvor already, having beaten cancer once already in his young life. He teaches self-defense, and is a "master sushi-maker." Well, at least SOMEBODY will know what to do with all those fish that will be caught! In fact, Uncle Abbas was learning sushi-making in Tokyo when the sumo wrestler... never mind.
Katie Gallagher, Age 29
Advertising: Merced, California
Enjoys camping and musical theater. She would have enjoyed my village's production last year of "Schindler's List: The Other Side Of The Story" although it was not a big hit here locally. Ismira says she bears a passing resemblance to someone named "Jenna Lewis," and wonders if this woman has any honeymoon videos. I have no idea what she is talking about.
Kim Mullen, Age 25
Graduate Student: Huber Heights, Ohio
Describes herself as "calculating." She has also heavily studied the Middle East, and speaks Arabic. She will probably tear this column to pieces! Seems very intelligent, but has worked as a model and is blonde, so go figure. It is unclear if she can survive the wilderness aspect of the game; we shall see. Ismira and Yamiin already don't like her.
Stephenie LaGrossa, Age 25
Pharmacutical Sales Rep: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Stephenie plays a lot of lacrosse. (LaGrossa; lacross - Get it? Never mind.) She grew up in a house with four brothers, so she should be tough both mentally and physically. Radul says she has been dating her guy for six years and has a serious fear of committment. Radul can't even commit to the same beard style for two weeks in a row!
Tom Westman, Age 41
NYC Fireman: Sayville, Ney York
A fireman? How about a Survivor who can START a fire for a change? Although only 41, this guy is grey already. This may make him look older and less of a threat that he really is, and could work in his favor. He is the right age for a good mix of physical fitness and maturity. Could be the new "Sarge" of this season (but hopefully, he won't have erotic dreams of his fellow castaways sunbathing nude...)
Wanda Shirk, Age 55
English Teacher: Ulysses, Pennsylvania
Wow! From her photo, I never would have guessed what a go-getter she is! She is involved in so many activities, her town must be closed for business while she's away on "Survivor!" Her experience with unruly foster children should help her greatly in this game (she'll feel right at home...)! Ismira, however, is wondering "why they're letting Lill play for a THIRD time."
Willard Smith, Age 57
Lawyer: Bellevue, Washington
When I first saw Willard's photo, I must admit, I was thinking, "Token old guy." Nothing could be further from the truth. A former Vietnam sniper and postal worker (insert joke here), this guy also is a lawyer. He LOVES to be hated!! Ismira is chanting, "Ru-dy! Ru-dy!" Watch for this guy to make it a long way.
All in all, a very interesting group. Christians, Mormons, Muslims, bartenders, models, lawyers, dancers, and a guy who talks to fish. No one-legged guys or blind people this time, though. My clan is already busy choosing their favorites, and we still have a month to go!! I am sure that we will be discussing, in our own dysfunctional way, what exciting twists and turns await us in this new season. The latest rumor is that all 20 castaways will start the game as one tribe. Hmmm....
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
December 09, 2004
Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 13 & Finale: "Good-bye, Farewell, Amen, And Good Riddance"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
The end is near... The players are pushing past all normal boundaries, pushing themselves past their normal limits, enduring all hardships. The desire to win the game is so strong, they will stop at nothing, performing all manner of nastiness to improve their chances of victory. But enough of the Major League steroid scandal; let's get to important matters! Namely, this blissful addiction my clan calls "Survivor: Vanuatu!"
It's hard to believe we have been following this desert island soap opera for thirteen event-filled weeks! We have learned so much, but still have so much to understand. Nonetheless; I, Honest Achmed, Prince of Profit Margins, and the rest of my extended family are here to laugh, cry, and make obscene guestures at the screen along with the rest of the television viewing audience. Let the festivities begin!!
Ismira revealed some shocking news to my family this week. With five players remaining in the game, we assumed there would be at least four more episodes to savor. Ismira says that next week, however, three players will be eliminated and it will be the final episode! My entire village erupted in horror; pandemonium in the streets, cats sleeping with dogs, utter chaos! I have not seen this much panic since Honest Omar's camel had diarrhea in the village water well!!
I, however, was ready. I have been recording DVDs of every "Survivor" episode this season, and have been keeping them hidden in my shop. Miraculously, I unveiled them just in time for the frenzied rush for Survivor merchandise. The demand was incredible!! And because they were recorded on DVDs, people were forced to all buy DVD players. By a remarkable coincidence, I also had a new shipment of DVD players ready for sale as well! Profit-wise, this has been a very good week for Honest Achmed.
Once the mass hysteria finally subsided, life began to get back to normal. In the tradition of many Survivor websites around the world, my family decided to have a "roundtable" discussion. The topic: Who will be the final two players to face the jury? We could not actually find a round table, so we all simply sat on a large rug surrounding a hookah pipe. Needless to say, the discussion was quite animated.
I am of the opinion that the final two will be Chris and Twila. I admit, my methods are not scientific; Chris is a man, and I just like Twila. Ismira has done extensive research on dyads and tryads and floating singletons and power players and WOE alliances (whatever those are) and claims that Eliza and Chris will be the last two standing. She has 47 sheets of computer printout to back up her findings. Ismira needs a day job...
Cousin Radul has selected Scout and Julie. Not because of any great strategy, but he desires to see the two of them share the last night alone together. Apparently, he still wants to see Scout "hook up" something. Cousin Hassim does not believe there will be a "final two." He is convinced that Probst will have them all executed at the final three and declare himself the game's sole survivor. Hassim!!! You've spilled the beans about our special "Survivor: The Sahara" twist!!!"
The discussion turned ugly when Radul blew hookah smoke down Ismira's blouse, and she pulled off Radul's turban and towel-snapped him with it. Radul screamed, and before I could react, the two of them were rolling around on the floor with Hassim jumping up and down shouting "Catfight! Catfight!" The pair eventually rolled out of the tent into the street in front of the whole village with the children cheering them on. I was so embarrassed!! After a black eye and two loose teeth (all Radul's, thankfully), we managed to separate them and now they sit at opposite sides of the tent.
On to better things... Last week on "Survivor," Chris continued his streak of success by both winning immunity and protecting Eliza from Ami's mysterious mind control power. Ami tried to weave her spell on Eliza, but to no avail. Eliza voted with Chris, Scout and Twila, and the Demon-Witch was dispatched to the jury. Can Chris do it again? Will the pressures finally force someone to crack? Will we see Julie's buttocks one last time? Ismira and Radul are glaring at each other; let's get started!!!
Of course, we start out by the campfire at night after the tribe has just voted off Ami. Although my tent is still celebrating, things are not quite as celebratory at Alinta. My beloved Twila is showing her deliciously darker side as she begins a tirade about how everyone should just lay off her about the whole swearing on her son thing. Such anger!! Such hostility!! Such a temper!! Allah, I am getting more excited by the minute!
Julie, realizing she is potentially the next tribe member to take the dreaded Walk of Death, sees this as a definite blunder on Twila's part, and vows to use it against her. How she plans on doing this, we are not told. I suspect Julie does not know either, but it certainly sounded like a cool thing to say.
The sun arises to find Eliza and Julie partaking in some strange, new tribal ritual... oh, wait, they are WORKING!! They whisper catty, psychoanalytical remarks about Twila as she stumbles and grumps around camp, still upset about the previous night's events. Chris is also worried about Twila. Anger flareups like this are not good this late in the game, especially from the woman who still wields the machete. Cue "Theme From Psycho..."
Julie decides the time is right to put plan "One Last Chance" into operation. She talks with Eliza about the possibility of voting off Twila because she is so hated. Eliza agrees with her, but won't make a move unless Julie clears it with Chris first. Julie says she will talk with Chris. My, how the tables have turned!!
At this point, Ismira begins shaking her head. She says anybody with half a brain should WANT to take Twila to the Final Two with them; she is so hated that she would be easy to beat. I can see her reasoning, even though I don't hate Twila at all. Unfortunately, neither Julie nor Eliza can see this logic. However, I am thinking that Chris CAN, and I look forward to winning the roundtable discussion.
Suddenly, we are at the next Reward Challenge! I check the television, but it has not skipped; things are progressing quickly this episode! As soon as she sees the obstacle course Probst has laid out, Ismira says this is the "Second Chances" Challenge. I call it the "Recycled" Challenge... Probst tells them that the winner will travel to the rim of the volcano Mount Yasur with a companion and throw them in... well, we can dream, can't we? Actually, the two companions will enjoy roasted hot dogs and beer instead of seared human flesh. Better luck next time, Hassim!
Elements from previous challenges have been put together for one final, tortuous course. Probst informs the Survivors that the course will be run in stages, with the last place finisher in each stage sitting out. First will be crawling through the mud (we know Scout will be out first), followed by pig-catching (we know Eliza will be out next), then puzzle-building (we know Twila will follow), then a balance beam (so long, Chris) and finally shooting at tiles (where's Rory when you need him?) By process of elimination, we already know that Julie will win this competition. Probst shouts "GO!" and we wait to see if our predictions are correct.
The players hit the mud. Sure enough, Scout finishes last. No surprise there. On to the pigs. Chris, Twila, and Julie all grab a pig before Eliza can say, "Ewwwww!!!" So far, so good. The tiki puzzles are next. Chris is about to finish first when he forgets a piece and can't figure out why his tiki doesn't look right. He steps up on the missing piece to get a better look, and still can't figure it out. I am embarrassed for him. Twila and Julie pass him, and he is out. The two women race across the balance beam and begin shooting at tiles. Julie begins channelling the spirit of dearly departed Rory and blasts away the tiles to win the challenge!!
Probst, of course, tells her to pick someone to travel with. With no hesitation, she chooses Chris, and we all know why. No Radul, she is not "hot for his bod!" She wants to plead her case to stay in the game. Shortly thereafter, we see the pair all cleaned up and walking across a mud flat near the base of the volcano. We did NOT see how they island-hopped across seventy-odd islands to reach the volcano; I suspect there was public transportation involved.
There, they meet "Joe." While he is not as studly as "Dah," he will be their guide as they climb on three horses and make their way up the side of the volcano. Joe guides them across a waterfall and stream in an effort to spook their horses and provide hilarious camera footage. Chris's horse almost falls for it, but eventually makes it across the stream. Ismira giggles as she watches Chris, and begins reminiscing about an old friend named "Sean," who was also scared of horses. I don't remember this person; he must be from another village.
Chris and Julie ooh and aah as they gaze out at the vast wasteland of mud around the volcano. These Americans are easy to please; they would LOVE the Sahara! Near the top of the volcano, they miraculously find a hut that has withstood the erupting volcano. What good fortune! And what a coincidence; it is stocked with hot dogs and beer! Turns out, this is Joe's own "love shack" that Probst has rented for the night. Joe instructs them on the best way to cook dinner by sticking their weiners into a steaming hole for several minutes. Cousin Radul is giggling uncontrollably.
Apparently not getting the joke, Chris and Julie eat hotdogs until they almost throw up. In between mouthfuls, Julie asks Chris where they stand. Hello, he says, on the edge of the volcano... Duh... That's not what she meant. He tells her he feels close with her, and she trusts him. Privately, he tells us that EVERYONE trusts him, and he cackles maniacally. A true harem master!!
Back at camp, things are not so hunky-dory. Eliza needs food, because she has lost weight and... yada yada, you know the rest. Twila has buried the last of the plantains for the next "Survivor" group to dig up as a treasure, and says Eliza can't have them. Eliza stomps around as Scout and Twila make fun of her. They take turns calling each other immature (now that's mature) when in reality, Twila has simply forgotten where the plantains are. Somebody slipped "Kava" into the Home Cafe coffee maker!
Meanwhile, back at the volcano... Joe has taken Julie and Chris to the rim of the eruption. Cousin Hassim is itching for a new, macabre twist to be revealed, but they simply sit down and watch the volcano erupt and churn. As they watch in awe, the Survivors realize their hot dog-filled stomachs are feeling the same way. Chris excuses himself to go to the "Little Boy's Volcano." All in all, it beats Cousin Hassim's proposed reward trip for our show (being dragged into the desert to watch the sand dunes.)
After spending the night at Joe's love shack, Chris and Julie return to the Alinta camp. They realize that the true reward was not having to listen to anymore Vanuatu music like previous trips. Chris is greeted with much hugging as he enters the camp, further confirming that being the last man standing has its advantages. In hushed tones, he assures Twila and Scout that the plan is still on. What he FAILS to tell them is that the plan is "I'll vote all of you off until I win."
Eliza finally gets her turn to talk to Chris, and Chris attempts to soothe her by hinting that he might be willing to join with her and Julie to kick off the two older women. Eliza is giddy as she contemplates the thought of Twila finally leaving, even though Chris gets dibs on the machete.
All the women seem to be looking to Chris for their salvation, and Chris is well aware of the situation. His saving grace is that the women are too caught up in their hatred of one another to think about teaming up on HIM. He states again that they all trust HIM. More maniacal laughing ensues. He will wait and see how the next immunity challenge falls before he decides whose throat he will slice.
As if it were a prophetic statement, it is immediately time for the Immunity Challenge. The Survivors find Probst sitting among a series of small huts. What foul deviousness has he concocted this time? Well, campers, it's time for a scary story!! Probst will drone on and on about Vanuatu culture, kings, betrayals, murder, and Richard Hatch until the Survivors are all asleep. Then they will be forced to answer a series of questions about something Probst may or may not have said. The twist: The questions are hidden in the various huts. Another twist: The questions are puzzles that have to be assembled first. Another twist: Scout has to run between the huts. Tough break, grandma!
Probst begins the story, and sure enough, I drift off. When I awaken, the Survivors are running and hobbling (guess who?) between the huts, frantically putting puzzles together and pulling boar tusks out of bags. Eliza moves out to an early lead, with Chris and Julie not far behind. Eliza is still in the lead. Scout gets a question wrong. Twila has disappeared. Chris gets another question right. Eliza still has a narrow lead. It's fourth down and goal to go. Scout is now wandering aimlessly between the huts. Julie races in with another correct answer. Twila is still missing. Chris shoots from the top of the key; he scores. Eliza and Julie are now tied; could it be overtime? Julie has to wait at a hut until the "occupied" light goes off... there's Twila! The shot clock is running out... Eliza finishes and wins!! The crowd goes wild!!! Not really, but Probst does give her the Immunity necklace.
At camp after the challenge, Eliza is very happy. For only the second time this game, she doesn't have to pack her bag before Tribal Council!! She is also happy that Chris is firmly on their side. Sure, she sees him hugging with Scout and Twila, but that's just to throw them off. He's REALLY on her side.
Twila and Scout are also happy that Chris is firmly on their side. Sure, they see him hugging with Eliza and Julie, but that's just to throw them off. He's REALLY on their side. Hello, new eyeglass prescriptions all around!!
Catfight skirmishes, reminiscent of Ismira and Radul, are erupting all over camp. Chris is doing his best to stay out of the battle, but is having a hard time. He has escalated his defense position to "Orange Alert," which at this point simply means, "Promise everything to everybody and hope that after they've been voted out, they'll think you're a good player." He promises Julie that he won't vote her out tonight. Immediately thereafter, he promises Twila he won't vote HER out either. Eliza has Immunity; so he will be voting for either himself or Scout tonight. Unless... he's... dare we say it... LYING!!!!!!!! (Cue timpani boom-boom)
Twila tells us that she doesn't entirely trust Chris. People have committed murder for less than a million dollars. Heck, Cousin Hassim knows people who would do it for a loaf of bread and a box of Tic-Tacs!!
And now here we are at Tribal Council. How do the Survivors get there, anyway? Do they swim? Oh, still the unanswered questions; the world may never know... Probst introduces the jury (in case anybody forgot) and newcomer Ami is still smiling sarcastically. I am beginning to think her expression is the result of plastic surgery gone awry.
Probst asks Twila if anybody here does NOT deserve to win. Before Twila can answer, Eliza jumps up and says, "Me!! I don't deserve to win!! Me!! Me!!" Eliza then goes on to say that everyone left deserves to win, even though she hates all their guts and wishes they would all die and rot in the jungle. First: Not a good way to make potential jury friends, Eliza. Second: Does this woman EVER shut up?
Julie comments that she knows who she can trust, without a doubt. She knows that people, really, really care about her. Unseen by her, Chris is making little stabbing motions at her back. Either that, or he is trying to untie her bikini top for one last peep show. For his part, Chris says he's in a tough spot, but has to play the game. Even Radul can see which way THIS is going to go down. With that, it's time to vote.
Scout votes for Julie, mumbling something about watching "Roots" when she gets home. Eliza votes for Twila, saying she's wanted to do this for a long time, except when Twila was saving HER skin. Chris's vote is unseen, but he says again that he has to play the game. Ismira says he would be a fool to vote out Twila, and I agree with her.
Probst reads the votes: Julie, Twila (Eliza smiles), Julie, Twila... drum roll please... Julie is going home. Eliza's jaw drops and for much too short of a time, she is speechless. Julie has that dazed "I drank too much Kava" look. Before long, Probst has snuffed her and she is gone.
Wow! Only four are left! As the crowd begins to disperse from my tent, I tell everyone that we will see them again next Friday morning, but Ismira corrects me. The finale will be MONDAY morning, Middle East time! We must begin making party preparations immediately! My weekly column to the world will have to wait; I must help Yamiin make 37 more pounds of her Buffalo Lamb in just three days!! I send Radul to my shop to quickly make hundreds of copies of this week's recorded DVD for the villagers to buy. Hassim quickly exits to make final collections for "Honest Achmed's Pay-Per-View"; there are still several unpaid subscribers whose legs he still has to break.
We almost didn't make it in time; but three days later, the tent is once again full. Radul has brought a box of tissues in case we are sad to see this series end. I am still looking forward to seeing my Final Two prediction come true; I say it will be Chris and Twila. Ismira has selected Chris and Eliza. Radul and Hassim are out of the running, when Julie got voted off and the remaining Survivors did not meet with cruel, unspeakable deaths. Who will win the million dollars and the title of "Sole Survivor?" More importantly, will Ismira (the supposed "Survivor" expert) or Yours Truly correctly predict the ending? This is the moment we've all been waiting for: Let's get started (again)!!!
It seems too soon, but here we are again, at night by the fire, listening to yet another Survivor moan and complain. Yes, it's Eliza again, lamenting the fact that sometimes you just can't trust people. She would never make it in my village, let alone my tent!
Eliza is sad to see Julie gone, but Chris isn't. He realizes what most of these folks don't: To outwit someone, often they have to be fed false information. Goodness, how much money does the American government spend on the very same thing? More than the Gross National Product of my country! But I digress; I shall step down from my pistachio box now...
Twila is not having any of Eliza's complaining. She tells Eliza that she is worthless and not worthy of being in the Final Four. For some time that night, the two women debate the strategic merits of shouting incoherently at one another until Twila goes to bed with the machete under her pillow. After Twila is asleep, Chris talks with Eliza about their Final Two agreement.
I did not realize until this moment that Chris is slightly waving his hand, employing the age-old Jedi Mind Trick (hereafter known as the JMT) to convince her that the baloney he is feeding her is the absolute truth. This explains a lot, although Ismira refuses to believe it. I wave my hand at her, but she insists that I "talk to hers." I have much to learn about women!! Anyway, Chris waves his hand again and says, "Have faith, young padawan." Eliza says, "Yes, Master."
The next day, Eliza is still harboring ill feelings, and can't believe who the Final Four are. She still hates Scout and Twila, and knows she needs to win Immunity to stay in the game. This huge leap of deductive reasoning leaves her drained, and she must rest for several hours. If she can't win, she hopes Chris will. Alas, poor Eliza, we knew you well (too well)...
Whenever someone starts talking about needing Immunity, we all know what's coming next!! The Survivors meet the diabolical Probst for the next challenge to discover that they will be scaling the recently discovered Great Wall of Vanuatu. Scout immediately begins muttering all sorts of American Indian epithets. Hidden throughout this vertical rat's maze are 10 sets of large Scrabble tiles. Get all ten, one at a time, and use the letters to form a two-word answer to win the game. Get extra points if you use a "Z", build any word on a double letter or triple word score, or if your letters cover the center square. Before the Survivors can say, "Huh?", Probst has waved his arms and they're off!!
Everyone scrambles, hobbles, or otherwise pulls themselves into the maze. Twila proves just how tough she is by pulling out to an early lead. All that weight loss is finally paying off! Chris is running a close second. Eliza is wandering around the maze lost until she realizes she's not searching for CHEESE. And Scout... well, let's just not go there, shall we?
Eliza stays in the game by deciding to follow Twila, but is still behind. Chris has meanwhile pulled into a slight lead. Players are crawling over each other like a giant ant farm, while Scout has decided to give up on the game and simply be a human obstacle to increase the difficulty for the other players. Eliza is having trouble seeing any more pairs to go after, but Chris and Twila have already collected their pieces and are assembling their puzzles.
Chris makes sure that he has ALL his pieces this time and eventually forms the words "FINAL THREE." Probst says sorry, it was FINE LATHER, as in, "You need a shave." Chris waves his hand (JMT) and Probst declares him the winner anyway. Chris begins jumping around in a gaudy display of "rubbing it in your face" that Ismira compares to someone named "Sheeanne."
Back at camp, Chris is quickly getting used to wearing the less-than-fashionable wardrobe accessory around his neck. When his competition is down to Scout, Twila, and Eliza, he can finally feel like a man! He wastes no time in giving a group hug to Scout and Twila, assuring them of the Final Three. Twila is excited at the thought of a night without Eliza. (Aren't we all?) Chris encourages her to be really rude and catty to Eliza. I am becoming skilled enough to realize he is setting her up to be the perfect hated Final Two partner. I will win the roundtable! I will win the roundtable! Twila realizes what he's up to, but figures, what the heck; sounds like fun!
Always covering every angle, Chris next talks to Eliza (JMT), making sure everything's still okay. Eliza KNOWS she can trust Chris completely. Yeah, sister, so did Julie! I would try shouting advice to her, but I am hoping she will be voted out, so I keep my mouth shut. I just wish Eliza would, too.
Eliza tries talking to Scout about the possibility of voting out Twila. Scout is noncommittal. Eliza misinterprets this for unbridaled enthusiasm, and thinks that things are going her way. This is almost too painful to watch... Chris, however, is still keeping his options open.
The Survivors once again find themselves at Tribal Council. It seems like just yesterday... Hey, it WAS just yesterday!! Oh, well; the jury is already on its way in; can't stop now. Julie looks clean, fresh, and fully clothed for a change, although she is glaring at Chris. Go figure.
Probst starts in immediately on Chris, asking why he wasn't voted out first because he screwed up so bad on the balance beam. The women say it wasn't their fault, blame the stupid men. Jeff goes on to rub salt in the wounds between Eliza and Twila, reminding them in case they'd forgotten, how much they hate each other. He wants to see a catfight right now, but the women don't oblige. Oh well, there's always Julie after the show...
They spend a few minutes discussing paranoia, with nobody wanting to admit they're paranoid because the others might be listening and watching and use it as a reason to vote them out. Eliza admits to having a bond with Chris. Poor Eliza. Poor, poor, foolish, naive, trusting, about to have her throat slit Eliza. Twila is beginning to have regrets about swearing on her son, because simply murdering Leanne, Ami, and Julie would've been a whole lot simpler. Chris admits to having ties with all three women, but also admits he has to play the game to win. Eliza still doesn't get it.
Probst, realizing that it's time to put Eliza out of her misery, says it's time to vote. We see Eliza voting for Twila, muttering something about having cockroaches in her refrigerator. Remind me never to eat at Eliza's house. Twila votes for Eliza, telling her to "grow up." My tent begins cheering.
Probst reads the votes, and Eliza still thinks she has a chance. After the votes are read, though, it's 3-1 and her balloon goes Pppphhhhhhhhbbbbbbtttttttt!!!!!! She turns to give Chris the meanest look she can muster; it's not much, but at least she tried. Ami would have actually burned holes in his shirt. Finally, she gets up and her torch is snuffed, never taking her eyes off Chris. Chris, in a move that will go down in our village's memory, makes a face at her and waves bye-bye. Chris is now officially Cousin Hassim's new hero!
Chris, Scout, and Twila head back to camp, to sleep under the quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet stars. Meanwhile, the jury will never forgive them for sending Eliza to live at Loser Lodge.
Day 38 dawns; only two more days left to this game! Radul has already used most of his box of tissue. We see Probst himself walking along the beach to the Alinta camp for the first time to check out the inhumane living conditions. Or possibly to see if he can make things even worse, we can only hope. He congratulates them on making it this far, but reminds them they're not done yet. Cousin Hassim is still hoping for an execution, but I suspect that Probst has something more spiteful and devious in mind. He has not disappointed me yet!
Probst asks them if they remember the story he told them a couple of days ago. Not really, they slept through most of it, remember? Anyway, across the water from the camp is where the Vanuatu king is buried, on the island that looks like a hat. Chris thinks it looks like the chocolate cake that made Sarge so sick. Probst says paddle over there and find the torches of all the Survivors you have eliminated. Oh goody, a scavenger hunt! Then visit the king's grave and bring him something valuable. Unfortunately, the only valuable thing these folks have is their sanity, and they lost that several days ago.
Nonetheless, they board a waiting canoe and slowly paddle their way across to the chocolate cake island. They cross the island on foot, visiting the torch of each Survivor in the order they were snuffed. Along the way, they make fun of each Survivor as we hear a voice-over of each contestant whining one last time about why they were voted out. As they approach Ami's torch, they celebrate by dancing around it like a maypole until the producers force them to move on.
At the king's resting place (No, not Graceland), the three present their gifts of gold, frankencense, and myrrh. Wait, wrong story. And those were WISE men. These Survivors have brought a rock and two sticks to lay on the king's grave. It's the long-missing sacred stone from Episode 1, and the chief sticks that Mr. T gave to them! I am wondering if they have cleared this with the CBS props department. Ismira, upon seeing the stone, begins weeping again for Brady, and wonders if she has enough money to buy the sacred stone when it is sold on e-Bay.
Next, they reach the far side of the island to finally discover what Probst has in store for them. Three bows await them for a last test of will and endurance. After four hours of paddling, and three more hours of trudging across the rocky island, we will now test your arms and legs! Note to self: Respect for Probst; up 27 points! The contestants must hold the bow in the pulled-back position while balancing on two stumps. Chris winces at the thought of more balancing. Twila asks if shooting the bow and arrow at the other players is allowed. Come on, Probst, it would only be a flesh wound!
The game begins. Scout goes through the formality of actually pulling back her bowstring, but is soon out of the game. Chris and Twila are both beginning to feel muscle cramps, but are both too stubborn to quit. An hour goes by... Rigor mortis is setting in... Chris asks Scout if she still dreams of Twila; Scout says yes, but this is a family show... More time goes by... Chris and Twila still don't totally trust each other... Chris finally decides enough is enough, and uses the Force to nudge Twila, causing her to lose her balance and let go of the bow. Chris wins the final immunity of the game!! He celebrates by throwing Julie's hat into the ocean.
To further inflict pain, Probst forces them to paddle themselves back to camp! (Respect: Up 13 more points.) Once there, Chris must decide who to send home. He consults his psychic advisor, Scout, and asks if she has forseen a Final Two of Scout and Twila. Scout says they had no Final Two agreement; that will be $9.95 a minute, thank you. Chris realizes that Twila has been telling him the truth, and is amazed that not everyone is lying. Welcome to Survivor!
At Tribal Council, Eliza has now joined the jury, and still can't stop glaring at Chris. I think she has a crush on him. Probst starts the evening by making them relive the pain of the Immunity Challenge. Scout says she's happy with third place. Translation: If I make it to the final two, no one would ever vote for me. Twila says she isn't finished yet. Translation: If I make it to the final two, no one would ever vote for me, but who gives a &^%$#. Chris says he likes both women, but likes himself more, and has to do what's best for HIM. No argument there! Probst sends him off to vote.
After Jeff returns from "tallying the vote", Chris has made his choice; Scout is going home to no one's surprise. They hug and for the first time in 32 years, Scout kisses a man. Ami is repulsed, and almost throws up on the other jury members. Probst sends Chris and Twila home with a dire warning; your fate is now in the jury's hands. Meanwhile, I have won the roundtable discussion, and am taking my victory lap around the tent!!!
Ahh... The final day. No more game playing. No more worrying. No more... plantains! Chris is happy as he prepares his final meal of the tropical fruit. He vows to never, EVER try the South Beach Diet. As they eat, both remaining players are worried that they've made the others mad. This never occurred to them as they lied, backstabbed, and threatened the other players with bodily harm.
Chris encourages Twila to be totally crass and unapologetic at the upcoming Tribal Council. Privately, he tells us that he intends to do some serious buttocks-smooching. We'll see if his strategy works. Before they leave the camp for the last time, they try to both sit on the hammock. It breaks, and they both need medical attention. Thank goodness there are no more physical challenges! While resting, they reminisce about how wonderful it was; all the starvation, the arguing, the fights, the hurt feelings, the shattered friendships, the injuries. Ah, the memories... They eventually limp away from camp, leaving behind a plethora of Survivor memorabilia for auction on e-Bay.
At the final Tribal Council, the jury looks ready for blood. Probst tells Chris and Twila, prepare to be grilled. Chris is thinking he would rather stick his weiner into a steaming hole again than face this. They will each give an opening statement, endure verbal abuse by disgruntled sore losers, then each make a closing statement. Then, we vote, and we can get back to civilization, okay?
Chris and Twila's opening statements are remarkably similar; I lied and treated you like dirt; please vote for me. Then it's the jury's turn to inflict mental pain and anguish. Each juror gets a question, and it goes something like this...
Eliza: Twila and Chris are both lying you-know-whats. I want an apology! Twila: Bite me. Chris: Mumbles fake apology.
Julie: Chris, you made me cry! Boo Hoo! Twila: Bite me. Chris: Mumbles fake apology.
Leanne: Twila, why did you betray me? Chris, why vote for you? Twila: You betrayed me first. Bite me. Chris: I worked hard. Would you like a fake apology, too?
Ami: What do you have that I don't have? Twila: I'm colder and harder than you, and I like men. Now bite me. Chris: I'm so sorry for what I did... Wait, what was the question?
Chad: What has this game changed about you? Twila: I have learned that I have to watch my mouth. And, oh yeah, bite me. Chris: I am sitting here because I'm bad (giggle) and you're good (giggle).
Sarge: I hate you, Twila; you're scum, but you still get my vote. Twila: Thanks, Sarge. I appreciate the vote. Now bite me. Chris: Can I hang out at the base with you and watch NASCAR?
Scout: Twila, you're stupid but honest. Chris, you're full of manure. Twila and Chris Together: Bite Me!
In her closing, Twila tries to apologize for her actions. She even tries to cry for good effect, but can't quite produce a tear. Chris uses his time to admit he's full of manure, and goes on to spread it even thicker by heaping on the fake apologies. I see his hand waving slightly, and it looks like the jury is buying it!
They vote. Sarge actually votes for Chris, and says he was just yanking his chain. Scout votes for Twila, saying she loves her. Not going there... Eliza votes for Chris, saying she hates him less than she hates Twila. Ami votes for Twila, saying even though you're an idiot, you spoke the truth. Interesting...
Probst collects the voting urn, and has one last surprise for the tired Survivors. They will have to wait three months to hear the results!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! He steals the urn, and before Twila can hurl the machete at him, he is off into the jungle.
He quickly reaches a waiting plane, and three months later is parachuting out over the California desert. He lands near a waiting motorcycle (what a coincidence!) and rides into Los Angeles. Avoiding security, he pulls up to the CBS studio entrance and heads in. There is a live studio audience present. The Survivors are already waiting there for him as well, having regained their weight and thankfully, having changed clothes.
He greets them, and wastes no time reading the votes. First vote: Chris. Much cheering. Second vote: Chris. More cheering. Third vote: Twila. Cheering from the other side of the studio. Fourth vote: Twila. More cheering from the other side. Fifth vote: Chris. Cheering from the first side again. Sixth vote: Chris wins!!!! The audience erupts, and the Los Angeles police have to be called in to control the rioting and looting. Chris begins taking his own victory lap around the studio as Survivor's newest millionaire...
Well, it certainly has been an interesting season, full of highs and lows, especially for Chris. My clan and village have learned a lot about American culture from this experience. We thank all our faithful readers for a great season, and ask you to drop us a line between seasons. Tell us what you would like us to discuss in the future!
We look forward to next season, in the islands of Palau. There is supposed to be a long World War Two history in the region, which makes Cousin Hassim extremely happy. From the previews, I can see a lot of salvageable military hardware. I must plan a trip! Meanwhile, Ismira is busy logging on to e-Bay to bid on Brady's underwear...
Until next season, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades (and sacred stones) coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
December 03, 2004
Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 12: "Rumors Of Her Demise Are Not Exaggerated At All"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Our man came through!! Despite everyone against him, despite the women out to get him, despite the opposing viewpoints, he held true to his mission and did what he set out to do. Yes, President Bush completed his trip to Canada! And with that diplomatic milestone out of the way, we can once again turn our attention to truly important matters; namely this week's episode of "Survivor: Vanuatu!"
Ismira says we are quickly approaching "end-game!" She tells us this is where the alliances get smaller, and people start thinking about who they want to face if they should make it as far as the final two. Pairs and trios start making themselves apparent, and strategies begin shifting once more. Just when we get used to one thing, the game changes again! You are a cruel game-master, Mark Burnett! Regardless of the twists and turns, Honest Achmed, the Maharajah of Retail, and clan are still here to guide you through to the end!!!
My clan is still rejoicing that Chris managed to stay in the game another week, and may have turned the game around for himself. Cousin Radul danced around the village all day after last week's show, chanting "Ding, dong, the witch is dead," with all the village children following him like the Pied Piper. At one point, Ismira and her protesters joined them for a 400-meter conga line down main street. And my cell-phone camera was in the shop... Cousin Hassim was relieved that he did not have to blow himself up as he had threatened, and was able to eat Pez instead.
I, however, am not convinced that "The Ami Factor" is out of the game yet. This has caused me to be a temporary outcast within my own tribe. Even my beloved wife Yamiin, normally the most conservative member of my clan, thinks I am a "whining sissy-goat." Such language!! I simply fear that like the evil slasher in those "Friday the 13th" movies, Ami will once again rear her head to take back control of the game. There are still five women in this game, and anything can happen! I have watched too many of those movies (before selling the bootleg videos in my shop, of course.) Besides, if she is voted off, sales of the "Ami Dartboard" may plummet...
On a happier front, Cousin Hassim and I have finally selected all the contestants for our upcoming "Survivor: The Sahara." A herculean effort, to be sure, but through sheer determination, we made it through. It was a rigorous half-hour of poring over applications; eventually, we crumpled up all the papers and threw them at the wastebasket across the tent. All the ones that DIDN'T go in were accepted as Survivors!
In standard form, we will have two teams of eight players each. We, of course, cannot release any names yet, but the teams will each have four men and four women, representing a cross-section of Middle East culture. Without further ado...
Tribe "Kessdara" (Goat Dung): The Men: A one-armed camel trader, a cell leader for the PLO, a blind beggar from Beruit, and a poor kid with a brass lamp. The Women: An albino belly dancer, a female reporter for Al-Jazeera, and a pair of Siamese twins (how we'll eliminate just one, we do not know.)
Tribe "Swa-Bakk" (Nasty Water): The Men: A renowned Sultan, a sheep farmer, a Muslim cleric, and an escaped prisoner who wandered through our village. The Women: A professional knife-thrower, an odd landowner with an all-female harem (she is Radul's favorite), an old, toothless woman, and a mysterious, veiled female who refuses to let us see her face or body, or even tell us her name.
If the selection of contestants make or break the game, our show should prove to be a blockbuster!!! Now, I just need to win some of my online "Survivor" bets to earn enough money to pay the grand prize!
Anyway, last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu", the tide finally turned as Ami made a crucial mistake in agreeing to let Eliza be voted off. Word got back to Eliza, and Chris used this to pull the young woman into a new alliance with himself, Scout, and Twila. The look on Ami's face at Tribal Council was priceless!! Will Ami bounce back with a vengeance, or will the trend continue and allow Cousin Radul to show us his new victory dance he has dubbed "Turbo-Mooning"? All of our new Survivor contestants are watching from their tents and taking notes; let's get started!!!
It is immediately after Tribal Council, and the world cannot wait to see Ami's reaction to the sudden turn of events. She does NOT disappoint. In her typical mode, she "congratulates" Scout and Twila on their playing of the game. And Yamiin thinks MY comments are dripping with sarcasm! Twila basically tells her where to put her comments, as she stokes the fire and secretly contemplates the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's charred remains in the morning, will I get disqualified?
Ami does not find it amusing that Twila swore on her son's manhood, then lied. Apparently, she did not read the part of the contract where it said, "Outwit, Outplay, Outlast." She claims to be very loving and giving. She certainly was giving it out around the campfire to anyone who would listen!
Chris is still riding high from the fortuitous shift in power, and is thoroughly enjoying watching the women peck at each other. He is realizing that being the last man standing may have its perks, after all. He thinks the new Survivor slogan should be "Outwit, Outplay, Out Ami."
Finally, color again returns to our world as the sun rises on Day 31. Twila is getting Tree Mail, a jug filled with liquid and little things floating in it. I am thinking this is Vanuatu tequila, but it is merely a clue to the next challenge. Proving that she is indeed semi-literate, she reads the accompanying note to the others. It taunts them with vague promises of food and a shower, two things these lazy Americans desperately need. Eliza, desperate for more nourishment, shows off her grotesque skeletal framing, proving again how much weight she has lost and that her fake... well, you know where this is going.
At the challenge waterfront, we see that Probst has assembled our favorite assortment of floating torture devices once again. Radul has been counting; this is the SIXTH time we have seen these outrigger canoes! Before we can begin to fathom their purpose, Probst arrives on the beach in a brand-new car. Granted, it's American-made, but looks serviceable nonetheless. The winner will get this car as a reward.
But wait, there's more... (Sounds like one of Honest Omar's sales pitches) The first, second, and third place finishers in the upcoming race will all get to spend the night on one of the islands of Vanuatu! The Survivors are not impressed until Probst tells them they will be staying INDOORS and will be eating at the endless buffet. Much cheering and whoop-whoop commences.
The Survivors must race across the balance beams from raft to raft (sorry, Chris) then jump into the water to retrieve a flag. The flag must be brought back across the balance beams (sorry, Chris) to the beach. The first 3 players to do this three times (triply sorry, Chris) will win the reward. Survivors Ready? (or not) GO!!!
Scout immediately asks if she can just sit this one out. Probst kicks her sorry rear end into the water, saying, "At least pretend to try, Grandma Moses!" The others are already halfway to their first flag. Ami, Chris, and Eliza get out to an early lead. Scout is still testing the water temperature with her big toe. Now Ami and Eliza are leading, with Chris and Julie tied for third place. Scout begins dog-paddling to the first raft as the others are on their second and third flags.
Ami is in the lead until the collective will of the television viewing audience starts causing her to slip and fall into the water. She climbs back time after time, but mysteriously keeps falling in again. And Yamiin thinks psychic power is just a hoax! Eliza moves into the lead as Ami falls under water again. The viewing audience's concentration must have broken then, because Ami's head eventually pops up above the surface. Eliza races to the beach to win the challenge, and Ami comes in second.
Chris and Julie are fighting for third place, but are losing steam rapidly. Both fall repeatedly as they stumble wearily toward the shoreline. Scout finally climbs onto the first raft. Twila has drowned somewhere and is out of the game. Chris finally edges Julie out to be the third winner of the competition! Ismira heaves a sigh of relief; she says she is glad Chris is going on the trip to protect Eliza from Ami's mind control powers. I think for a moment and decide she is correct. I hope he is bringing his Kryptonite!
Probst sends the winners on their way, and Eliza is thinking Ewww!! Not these nasty, wet people in my new car!! Ami immediately calls shotgun, and the three drive off. Chris is wishing he HAD a shotgun and is secretly contemplating the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's bullet-riddled body in the morning, would I get disqualified?
As he daydreams, Eliza drives them to their bungalow for the evening. How she knows the way, or why she is driving with no license, we are not told. Once there, they find only one king-sized bed. Radul is excited at the thought of the sleeping arrangements this suggests. The Survivors immediately strip and don big, fluffy, decadent bathrobes while room service tries to clean and take the permanent stench out of their old clothing. They all shower and wash their hair, with the women of course leaving poor Chris no hot water. He was, after all, THIRD place. Ami says she feels human again. Note to Ami: No; you are still the Demon-Witch of Vanuatu; never forget that!
As Chris takes his cold shower, Ami apologizes to Eliza for getting "caught up in Scout and Twila's hatred." Translation: "I'm the good guy and they're the bad guys even though I tried to vote you out last time and THEY saved you." Right, my family didn't understand it either. Eliza tries to counter this argument with logic, but then her eyes begin to glaze over as the "Ami Factor" begins to take effect. I am thinking my family is going to owe me a huge apology after tonight!
Chris arrives, and the trio boozes and snacks as they are treated to an impromptu concert by the "Vanuatu Banjo Mamacitas" performing their Top 40 hit, "Vanuatu Banjo Mamacitas." Chris and Ami admit it was better than the horrible rendition of "Funkytown" they heard several days ago.
Back at the camp, the losers are moaning and complaining. Scout is frustrated that most of the challenges actually require you to DO something, and she's not very good at that. She would have been much better at, say, "Wife Swap" or something. They wonder what the winners are doing, and Twila realizes what all the world has already figured out... Ami is probably trying to work her magic on Eliza.
Sure enough, the winners are enjoying dinner as Ami tries to convince the others to break up Scout and Twila. She complains that they're a worse couple than Nick and Jessica; and this simply should not stand. Chris asks Eliza who she'd rather compete against; Ami, who can win more challenges than Colby Donaldson, or two old ladies? To no one's surprise, Eliza doesn't know the answer to this question. Undaunted, Chris tells us that he's counting on Eliza's "mental strength." My tent erupts in laughter.
When the laughter and accompanying tears finally settle down, we see that the women have forced Chris to sleep on the sofa while they share the master bed. Cousin Radul is drooling. Lying in bed, Ami weaves more of her spell on Eliza, telling her about all the times she's saved her, "but if you just want to leave me by the roadside here at the end to die like a poor beggar while you care for nothing but yourself and that filthy, stinking money, I'll certainly understand, honey..." Sounds just like Ismira's mother!!
The losing Survivors awaken the next morning to find the winning Survivors meandering back into camp. Realizing that the winners smell like Tide and Snuggle fabric softener, much hugging and smelling ensues. I am embarrassed for them as they jump in circles and sniff each other like dogs.
Continuing the "I'm pretty and clean and you're not" theme, Eliza and Ami set up a beauty shop while the others continue with their camp chores. Scout is not happy with this new business endeavor, and shows it. Ami, meanwhile, is using her sweet, sarcastic voice to talk continuous trash about Scout, and now for some reason, can't figure out why Scout doesn't like her. She claims Scout poured Cayenne pepper in her underwear, or some such thing. It must have been leftover from the stuff they won in a Reward Challenge once.
Chris is, of course, enjoying any trash talk that's not aimed at HIS wastebasket, but realizes that Ami must go before she can regroup and cause any more trouble. I am certain this is foreshadowing, and I will be enjoying the last laugh in my tent tonight. Scout, meanwhile, is picking up large tree branches and secretly contemplating the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's crushed and bloody skull in the morning, will I be disqualified?
A new day; a new delivery of Tree Mail. The clue mentions having the "right touch" to win this challenge. What, a massage game? Cousin Radul is certain it will be a "master of one's domain" challenge, but Yamiin boxes his ears and he is silent for several minutes. Whatever the upcoming challenge is, Chris wants to win it. He desperately wants to beat the women at SOMETHING to restore his manly ego. Hey, at least he's the most macho guy left in the game, right?
As the contestants approach the location of the Immunity Challenge, it seems that even Scout has a chance of competing in this one. A huge map of the Vanuatu Islands has been turned into a shuffleboard table, and each player is given 5 cookies to slide around the board. If your cookie lands on an island, you score a point. If your cookie lands in a volcano... that's even better; you can't be knocked out by someone else's cookie. So you WANT your cookies in the volcano... Allah, I am getting confused! Cousin Hassim, of course, is disappointed that they are not REAL volcanoes.
The first few attempts are laughable misses as the Survivors try to figure out how to slide their cookies. Then, in an amazing display of billiards skill (or dumb luck), Julie banks her cookie off the side rail into the center pocket; er, volcano. Soon, Twila also scores a volcano hit. Yay, Twila! Everyone else's cookies stop in the middle of the South Pacific, and Julie is up by another point. Scout claims her cookie actually stopped on Gilligan's Island and wants a point, but Probst tells her that's ANOTHER reality show.
Chris finally works out all the coefficient of friction equations in his head, and his cookies start hitting islands. Soon, he has two points. Eliza succeeds in a preventive move; she knocks her cookie OFF an island and prevents herself from winning. Chris scores another hit; he is up to three. With nothing to lose, Eliza throws her last cookie at the other Survivors as they duck for cover.
Ami has the last cookie. Will she try to score a point, or try to knock someone off? She aims, throws, and... knocks someone off!! Unfortunately, it is HERSELF, and Chris wins his first Individual Immunity. In celebration, he throws his hands in the air and "waves them like he just doesn't care." At least that's the way Ismira described it. My tent is cheering as we know Chris will be around for another week.
Back at camp, Chris is finally glad to have beaten the women at SOMETHING, even if it was, as Hassim describes it, "a girly-challenge." Ami, on the other hand, is mad at herself for losing said girly-challenge. She vows to buy back the Immunity necklace when it goes up for sale on E-Bay.
Eliza is talking to Twila. She is worried that Twila and Scout won't take her to the Final Four. Twila offers to swear on Ami's manhood this time, but Eliza is still not convinced. Ami has been playing mind games on her, and she is confused. All the guilt and pressure, and her numb little mind is overloaded. What to do; what to do?
Chris tells us that he is concerned about the upcoming vote being a tie. He has been told in the event of a tie, the Survivors will draw stones, or throw stones, or maybe pass stones, he is not exactly sure. He IS pretty sure that Eliza is too smart to risk her fate to a rock. Again, my tent erupts in laughter.
Eliza is confused. Now, who would've seen THAT coming? She doesn't want to vote her friends off; yet she fails to remember that these "friends" both wrote HER name down at the last Tribal Council! Such is the power of the "Ami Factor," but is it beginning to wane? Ami seems genuinely worried about tonight's vote.
At Tribal Council, Leanne has joined Sarge and Chad on the jury, and does NOT looked pleased about it. Probst jumps right it, gleefully reminding Ami how she was sucker-punched last time with the vote. He degrades Scout for claiming to want woman power, but only when it suits her plans. Scout apologizes; she actually thought Chris WAS a woman because of his ponytail. The old eyes just aren't what they used to be, doggone it!
Ami is still very bitter about Twila's lie. Excuse me, has Ami never watched "Survivor" before? Twila defends herself, saying Ami was duped; now get over it! My tent once again begins cheering. Ami laughs and rolls her eyes sarcastically. Probst is secretely contemplating the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's dead body tomorrow with my torch-snuffer sticking out of her back, would I lose my job?
Eliza begins a monologue about how backstabbing hurts. She has felt bad every time she has backstabbed someone, at virtually every Tribal Council, so she should know! Leanne almost comes off the bench to take her down. Ami says she loves Eliza and would miss her if she were gone. Okay, everybody, all together... THEN WHY DID YOU VOTE TO KICK HER OUT LAST TIME?!! Eliza and Ami cry for each other and exchange "I love you, man!" while Chris rolls his eyes and Twila wonders just how sharp the machete back at camp is...
Allah be praised, it is finally time to vote. Twila votes for Ami, calling her a drama queen. Enough said. Ami votes for Scout, saying Scout has an evil side she doesn't like. Hello, kettle? Pot calling... Scout votes for Ami, saying she wishes Ami would climb a mountain and get struck by lightning. Fair enough...
Jeff reads the votes, even though the only one we really want to know is Eliza's. And the vote is... 4-2, Ami is going home!! The ensuing cheers from my village can be heard all the way to the southern tip of the Sinai Peninsula. Eliza made the smart move and avoided a tie! Probst sends the Survivors back to camp, pointing out the obvious; tensions are running high. Actually, not so much anymore!
Next week, Twila is still mad about the whole "swearing on her son's manhood" thing, and is venting. Eliza picks up the gauntlet, and the two of them are going at it while Chris is happily giggling like Cousin Hassim at a terrorist arms bazaar. Well, I am afraid the party in my village will last well into the night; Cousin Radul is already "Turbo-Mooning" and I cannot bear to watch...
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
November 24, 2004
Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 11: "When It Hits The Fan, Everyone Feels It"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Oh, the fighting!! Oh, the hurt feelings!! Oh, the bad attitudes!! Oh, the yelling and screaming!! Radul, please turn off the Pacers basketball game! There will be no chair throwing here today; perhaps only a drink or two at the television screen when Cousin Hassim gets agitated. After, all, this is only "Survivor: Vanuatu," not a game being played by overpaid, pampered Americans being watched by overweight, pampered Americans... wait a minute; there ARE similarities, after all!
Be that as it may... I, Honest Achmed, Entrepreneur Eternal, and the rest of my Survivor-savvy family have gathered around the widescreen HDTV to cheer, jeer, and berate our favorite castaways. The game is hitting the home stretch; everyone can smell the money (unless the pig just peed again.) Everyone hang onto your camel straps, this ride is getting bumpy!!
Things are getting crazy in my village (as if they weren't crazy before!) Ismira has come up with the outlandish idea that if she supports the companies who sponsor "Survivor," her application will have a better chance of being selected by Mark Burnett. Personally, I don't see how she stands a chance against my own "Lawrence of Arabia" themed video. Anyway, she has purchased immense quantities of "Pringle's" potato chips in hopes of improving her odds.
They are everywhere!! Every corner of my tent is filled with the obscene little cans, in every color and flavor imaginable. Original, cheese, pizza, barbeque, sour cream and onion, low fat, and baked. We have tried to eat them, but Yamiin has already made seven extra trips to the well to get water to sate our salt-induced thirst!! Cousin Radul says all this starch has ruined his Atkins diet; but I suspect Radul is actually purging after each Pringle's binge. I am seriously considering leasing a mini-storage tent in the village to store all the extra cans!!!
In the midst of all this foolishness, Cousin Hassim gave us quite a scare this morning when he showed up to watch this week's episode. He came into my tent with sticks of dynamite strapped around his body, holding a detonator. As Yamiin, Ismira, and Radul ran for cover, he stated that he was through with the women controlling the Survivor game. If Chris, the last man standing, was voted off this episode, Hassim vowed to blow himself up! He had obviously not given much thought to his plan, as to how blowing HIMSELF up would affect the outcome of the game. Hassim's brain cells have not been the same since he worked at that chemical weapons factory in Iraq several years ago.
Upon closer inspection, we discovered that Hassim's threats were quite empty. The sticks of dynamite were actually road flares held together with knitting yarn and Silly Putty and strapped to his body with duct tape. The detonator he was holding was actually a "TeleTubbies" Pez dispenser! We all had great fun in violently removing the duct tape from his torso. As punishment, we have now given Hassim the unenviable job of hauling the pallets of Pringle's cans to the mini-storage tent, or we will tell the tribal elders about the "TeleTubbies." Finally, we have found a threat to which Hassim responds!
Let's get to it, shall we? Last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu," Scout tried unsuccessfully to form a counter-alliance to take control of the game. However, she targeted the wrong person in Eliza (although it would have been good to see her gone). Instead, Ami maintained her mysterious hold on the women of Vanuatu, and kept Eliza safe. The women continued their despicible elimination of the men, and poor, likable Chad was sent to jury duty alongside Sarge. This leaves Chris as the last man in the game, and from the previews, it looks like he is pulling out all the stops to stay alive. Will somebody finally stop Ami's maniacal despotism? Will Chris find a way to survive as a lone wolf? Will Eliza's mouth go numb again? (We can only hope.) This week, we snack on Pez and Pringle's; let's get started!
Once again, it's nighttime as the ever-smaller Alinta tribe (wich means "People Who Just Fired Chad") arrives back at their campsite. Eliza tells us that every Tribal Council, she is worried about being voted off, and it doesn't feel very good. However, she obviously has no apparent strategy for CHANGING this situation, unless whining to the camera counts.
Chris, on the other hand, realizes his precarious predicament, and is determined to try SOMETHING. Realizing he has absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain, he immediately implements the "Let It Hit The Fan" strategy. If he gets voted out next, at least he will go out in a blaze of glory. Around the campfire, he tells Eliza, Leanne, and Julie about Scout and Twila's plans to overthrow the Ami regime. The women are, of course, upset by this revelation, and go to bed not in the best of moods. Chris, even if his plan doesn't work, is happy to be stirring the pot.
As the next day dawns, sure enough, things have hit the fan. Leanne, who is taking a much more pronounced leadership role of late, immediately confronts Twila about Chris's accusations. Like George Washington, Twila cannot tell a lie, and admits the plan. Actually, she tries to lie at first, but is not very good at it, and ends up confessing that it was all Scout's idea. Leanne didn't even have to threaten her with expulsion or bamboo torture. Leanne is gloating to us privately about how easy it was, and how she is suprised to see plotting and scheming so early, only four weeks into the game!! In my tent, there is a collective eye roll.
Before Leanne can reveal any further insights into the game, it is time for the Reward Challenge. The Survivors are led to a crude hut with a large satellite antenna next to it. Looks a lot like my own humble abode!! Probst introduces what may be the cruelest taunting of the entire game. The contestants will play a short quiz game concerning previous challenges; the winner will get to have an Internet chat with a chosen loved one for an hour. But first, he will tease them with a brief glimpse of their loved ones. Picking the person he deems least likely to be literate, he makes Twila sit at the keyboard to begin typing. Tearfully, she admits she doesn't know how to use a computer, and Probst chuckles menacingly. However, he pulls out a small internet camera that the players can use instead. It looks similar to the one Cousin Radul was caught installing in the public showers last month!
Each Survivor gets a minute to see their loved one. Twila cries as she sees her son. Julie and her best friend say "dude" a lot. (Now we know where Sarge picked up the habit.) Eliza laughs as her mother shakes her finger at the other players, saying "Let Eliza win!" Leanne sees her best friend, but stays cool. Ami, Scout, and Chris all spend time with their "significant others," who coincidentally are all WOMEN. Chris announces he will be getting married soon. Scout and Ami say they will be getting married only if they move to Massachusetts.
After this emotion-fest, it's time to play the game. Who broke the most tiles? Everybody remembers Rory. My clan cheers. Who starting building a ladder first? Chad, we all remember. Who sat out at a puzzle? Dolly, most of the girls remember. Unfair question, slanted to the ladies. My clan boos. What four symbols were used in a particular puzzle? Nobody can remember that long ago, including my clan. Who fell in the water most? Everyone remembers Little John, and we all share a laugh. Oh, the memories!!
Julie and Eliza are tied for first place. The tiebreaker question asks them to name the pairs of matching objects in the "Dah" game. Julie goes "Duh..." while Eliza writes down several correct answers to win the reward!!! But wait, there was another twist... A suprise to us, but not to Ismira, who guessed it from the beginning... Eliza's mom is here to visit with her in person, for the whole night. Eliza is ecstatic at the thought of her mom spending the night in the jungle with them. The feeling is NOT mutual, as Eliza's mom mutters off-color words at Probst's change of plans.
All the loved ones have been here all along, around a bend in the beachline at a local Barnes & Nobles passing the afternoon. They all come out and hug their respective Survivors. Nothing earth-shattering, but Cousin Radul notes that Ami's girlfriend's nose is really, really, really long. Coming from a Middle Easterner, that's saying something!
All the other loved ones are then sent back to their nice hotels, except Eliza's mom, who gets to starve and have a horrible night's sleep. Some reward!! Back at camp, the women offer some of their leftover food to Mom, who wonders if it is safe to eat and vows not to "double dip." She is worried about Eliza; if she is eating right (no), brushing and flossing regularly (no), getting bit by insects (yes), getting Ebola virus (possibly) and if she has met Mr. Right (Sorry, Brady got voted off.) Additionally, she has been losing too much weight and her fake breasts are beginning to show... Eliza tells her she has been in trouble with the group because she talks too much. Mom is NOT surprised by this; secretly, she has been glad to have Eliza gone all these weeks, too.
Meanwhile, the ripples from plan "Hitting The Fan" are still spreading. Ami and Leanne confront Scout about her plot to overthrow Ami. Scout, while trying to play the game honestly, reverts to her own Plan B, "Lie, Cheat, and Steal." She says it was Chad's idea (way to go; blame it on the one-legged guy who isn't here to defend himself!) Ami and Leanne tell her that she and Twila are no longer in their final four plans.
I am thinking that this is a very poor strategic move, to tell a person you're cutting them out and give them time enough to plot against you! Ismira agrees with me that this was a game-busting move, so I must be on the right track. Needless to say, Scout is peeved about this, and is now glad she switched into "Lie, Cheat, and Steal" mode. Note to Scout: Next time, start the game in that mode, and you'll do a lot better!
The next day, the Survivors are preparing for the departure of Mom. No word on where Mom slept, if at all, or if she ate, flossed regularly, got bitten by insects, or contracted Ebola virus. They are all making arts and crafts for Mom to smuggle back to the other loved ones. Leanne even gives her some chicken wing bones to take back with her. As Mom is leaving, she strips down to her bra and gives Eliza her shirt; this way, getting through airport security will be one step easier. She rides away on Probst's speedboat with Scout commenting about how Mom ran around the camp in her bra and panties. Cousin Radul vows to check "Survivor: Insider" to see this edited footage, as we apparently missed it. Scout seems overly joyous as she remembers the scantily-clad, middle-aged woman. Better not tell Annie!!!
With family matters out of the way, the plot continues. Leanne confronts Twila again, this time with the help of Ami's magical powers. Twila claims she has been true all along. Uh oh, is my beloved Twila trying her hand at lying again? Ami is mad that Twila didn't report every conversation back to her; after all, how is she supposed to rule with an iron fist without proper intelligence reports? Being a demon-witch is a full-time job! They tell Twila flat-out they don't trust her (another bad move, Ismira says), and Twila swears by her son's manhood that she is with them, always and forever. This seems to satisfy them for the time being; everyone knows that family-member swearing is even better than pinky-swearing.
Privately, Twila tells us that even though she swore by her son, she was lying. My tent erupts in cheering and applause! She hopes God will forgive her if she wins the million dollars. Apparently, if she loses, she realizes that she is doomed to Gehenna for all eternity. Ismira is muttering something about "fat ladies and wicker furniture."
Early in the morning, Chris and Julie go together to get tree mail. I don't know how they know there IS mail, but the Survivors always seem to go at the right times! Julie informs Chris he's next to go. Why do these people keep giving their potential victims time to plot? Chris knows he MUST win immunity if he wants to stay in the game. Sure that's one way, but stranger things have happened... He makes a prediction that he WILL win immnity. Does he know something we don't? Somehow, I don't think so.
We'll soon see if his prediction comes true, as the Survivors are even now approaching the next challenge. In another surprise move (to everyone but Ismira), Probst brings back the loved ones to help them in the challenge! Chris immediately knows his chances of winning just plummetted into the sewer. Probst explains that the loved ones will be blindfolded. The Survivors will yell at them as they move around a course with people firing mortars at them... wait, I'm confusing this with one of our "Survivor: The Sahara" games! These folks will simply collect bags of puzzle pieces. The first team to assemble their puzzle wins. Jeff laughs maniacally as he envisions the humiliation about to occur. With a wave of his hand, the game commences!
Chris yells so loud he loses his voice immediately. Amidst the shouting, Eliza's mom goes the completely wrong way. She is suffering from sleep deprivation and possibly Ebola virus, but at least she is dressed again. Twila is yelling at her son to go to "his OTHER right." Julie's instructions to her boyfriend are so precise, he hits a tiki statue perfectly.
Ami uses her mysterious mind-control powers to guide her partner to a slight lead over Chris, who is using the power of sheer desperation on his fiancee'. After seeing this side of her man, Chris's lady may quite possibly call off the wedding. Leanne's friend is so lost, Leanne tells her just to sit before she hurts herself. Eventually, Chris and Ami start assembling their puzzle pieces. Chris keeps telling Laurie that if they lose, he's going home tonight. I am afraid he's right.
Remembering how well Ami has done in previous puzzles (and Chris's track record as well), it is no surprise to anyone that Ami's puzzle is finished before Chris's. As Probst puts the necklace around Ami's neck, Chris shows his first weakness of the game as he cries in Laurie's embrace, "I'm going home, babe." My eyes are moist as I sympathize with the hard-fighting man. Laurie sobs into his shoulder how sorry she is. Whatever happens, I must not cry... I must not cry...
At this point, I must admit, I lose track of what happens. I went out of the tent to "see a man about a camel," and when I returned, Leanne had decided that Eliza should go instead of Chris. As happy as I am for Chris, I do not understand Leanne's logic in this. She gathers together Ami, Scout, Twila, and Julie and they all agree to her plan. Am I watching the right show? Someone in the group must have brought Kryptonite, because Ami's powers cannot convince the group to keep Eliza. Eventually, even Ami goes along with the plan. Everyone in my tent can smell trouble brewing (or maybe that's Yasur's Home Cafe coffee pot...)
In this continuing series of crazy moves, Julie tells Chris that Eliza is going instead of him. He realizes that his latest plan, "Sit back and do absolutely nothing," has worked better than all of his previous plans. Still reeling from this revelation, he then talks with Twila, who has to hit him over the head with a branch to get him to realize the obvious... He needs to get one more person to their side. Twila? Noooo... Scout? She's already on our side, too, dummy... Then the lightbulb goes off. Eliza is now a threatened player with no friends that might be pulled to their side! Funny, that's what Chad suggested several days ago...
Chris wastes no time in talking to Eliza. At first, she doesn't believe him, but he swears by Twila's son's manhood. Hey, it worked before! Eliza doesn't trust that Scout and Twila are telling the truth, but Chris, as honest and pleading as we have ever seen him, swears this is the only way she can save herself, not to mention HIM. Will she take this chance? If she's smart, she certainly will. I repeat, will she take this chance?
With that, it's time for Tribal Council. We see Sarge and Chad, looking clean, well-fed, and Ebola-free. As they sit, Probst reminds the Survivors how close they are to the million dollars. Whoever goes home tonight should feel really, really, bad and embarrassed. He asks Chris what it feels like to be a loser and have a loser fiancee'. Instead of simply decking Probst, Chris says they tried really hard and he's proud of her.
Leanne says she didn't care about the challenge; she had nothing to lose. WARNING!!! Irony Alert! WARNING!! Irony Alert! Probst says that Eliza is always paranoid that she's going home. Eliza responds that it's not paranoia if they really ARE out to get you. After a few more inane questions, it's time to vote.
We see Julie and Ami both voting for Eliza. Uh oh, things do not look good. As Probst begins to read the votes, I turn on a recently-discovered feature of my new HDTV, the "Thought-Bubble Feature." First vote: Eliza. Ami nods at Eliza; Your time has finally come, brat. Second vote: Leanne. Leanne raises an eybrow; Interesting... Third and fourth votes: Eliza. Eliza fidgets; Oh my God, it really WAS me this time... Fifth vote: Leanne. Leanne and Ami share a thought bubble; What the %$#^& ? Sixth vote: Leanne. Julie joins the "What the %$#^&" club. Eliza looks back at Ami; Take that, Demon-Witch! Final vote: Leanne! Chris smiles at Sarge & Chad; Lookee what I did! Lookee what I did!! Sarge and Chad are smiling; Uh huh! Oh yeah! Party Time! You da man!!! Ami looks deflated; Oh, #$%#^& !
Next week, it looks like we see the sarcastic fallout from Ami over the events of Tribal Council. The women are bickering, and Chris is loving it. Then Probst reveals something that shocks the Survivors (no more nudity, please!!!). Ismira is mumbling, "Gross Food Challenge..." and is getting excited. Well, time to pull more duct tape off of Cousin Hassim!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
November 18, 2004
Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 10: Best Laid Plans (aka "A Series Of Unfortunate Events")
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Tempers are flaring; everyone is on edge! The men hate the women; the women hate the men. No one can speak freely for fear of reprisals; everyone is constantly looking over their shoulders, afraid to be betrayed. And that is just in my own tent!! But have no fear, avid Survivor fans, Honest Achmed, Sultan of the Salesmen, and all my crazy relations are once again here to comment on this most unusual social experiment called "Survivor: Vanuatu." That is, if we can take a break from our own crazy lives!!!
Business at my shop is booming since my competitor, Honest Omar, was thrown into prison. I have taken over all his old "Survivor" inventory (except for the missing "Playboys.") With my superb marketing savvy, sales have been brisk. The new line of "Save The Males" T-shirts have been top sellers, as well as the "Ami, the Witch-Demon of Vanuatu" dartboards. (Is it just my tribe, but does everyone else keep getting her confused with Tea Leoni?) However, the hot pink buffs I ordered at Cousin Radul's insistance have not sold as well as I would have liked. I am not sure whether to be disappointed or relieved.
Ismira has lost another online bet with the voting off of Sarge last week. I keep telling her that this gambling is of the devil, but she still insists on losing her hard-earned money. Her latest wager is on Leanne, that she will make it to the Final Two. It is a long shot, but if she wins, she may be able to break even this season. Cousin Hassim has given up on the online betting; he is taking his money and investing in a new start-up company trying to obtain nuclear weapons from Russia.
Eventually, I gave in and have also wagered money in her online endeavor. I have wagered a month's wages on my beloved Twila!! The odds are as follows: 2-1 she makes the final four, 4-1 she wins an Immunity Challenge, and 54-1 that she hauls off and coldcocks Ami into the campfire. I am hoping that all three of these occur; I will have enough money to take that long-awaited trip to... an American Wal-Mart!
"Honest Achmed's Pay-per-View" of Survivor is still a booming business! I have had to hire three extra bedouin to help maintain the cables strung across the desert. They are kept busy day and night cleaning sand from the satellite dishes, and repairing cables where desert animals have chewed them. They even found three illegal cable splitters rerouting the signal to my Father-in-Law's harem! I was going to confront him with this heinous crime (stealing my stolen signal!) when he suggested that I make more sales by bundling "Survivor: the Sahara" with the standard package next year. I took his advice, and my pay-per-view sales tripled!! Now, Cousin Hassim and I have to deliver...
Hassim and I are arguing over who should host "Survivor: the Sahara." Everyone wants me to do it, of course, but I will have my hands full with the potential lawsuits. I think it should be that Iraqi guy from the TV show "Lost." On HIS last episode, he shot himself in the leg; let's see Jeff Probst top that level of self-abuse! We have also seen him torture people in a way that Probst could learn a few things from.
Hassim, of course, thinks it should be HIM. To prove his worth, he pulled out his scimitar and cut three of his own toes off. I was not impressed. (Note to self: 1) Find secret desert island. 2) Contact the Iraqi guy. 3) Convince him that our show will be better. 4) As a last resort, show him Hassim's toes.)
My stomach is getting nauseous... Last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu," the men tried to form a counter-alliance to take out the Witch-Demon of Vanuatu, Ami. Unfortunately, several potential alliance members had already been voted off, and additionally, Ami won the Immunity necklace. The women, under Ami's spell, stuck together and even temporarily got Chris's vote. Poor Sarge was honorably discharged before he could eat the camp's pig. This week, there looks to be lots of rain and Scout tries the challenge of wresting power away from Ami. Let's hope she's better at THIS challenge; let's get started!!!
As usual, we begin this week's episode by testing the black and white settings of our television as the Alinta tribe returns home after Sarge's dismissal. The pig, who was NOT invited to Tribal Council, waits patiently for them.
The guys are still reeling from Sarge's fate, but Chris already has his "Plan B" in motion. At this rate, however, he will need all the way to plan "H" if wants to survive much longer. In a tearful, "I had to put a bullet through his head" tone of voice, he relates how Sarge told him to vote him off, and it was the hardest thing he's ever had to do.
This is, of course, utter camel dung. Privately, he tells us that it was all made up, and he voted against Sarge simply to stay in good standing with the women. And Ami. He is so good at spinning a tale and telling lies, Ismira suggests I get his help in writing these articles next season.
The color finally returns to the HDTV (just like in the "Wizard of Oz") as morning dawns on day 25. Scout has finally come to the revelation that younger women really don't like older women, and that her chances of hooking up with Ami are fading fast. Oh, well; better start playing "Survivor," then. She gets out of bed at the early bird hour of 10:30AM and secretly whispers to Chad and Chris as they sleep by the fire, booted out of the very shelter THEY built by Ami and her underlings. My blood boils at the thought of this... Breathe... Breathe... Breathe... Okay, better.
She tells them she has a plan to keep them in the game longer. She wants to convince the others to boot Eliza first, then she, Twila, and the guys will have the advantage and vote out Ami. A good plan in theory, but why does no one take into consideration the AMI FACTOR? Attention, Scout: you have been officially warned!!!
The guys are naturally excited at the thought of three more days with no food or adequate shelter, and rejoice in their good fortune. My clan agrees that having your fate in the hands of Scout does not come close to qualifying as "good fortune." Chris remarks that the game isn't over yet. Good thing; my clock says there is still 50 minutes to go.
Tree mail arrives; another cryptic, poetic message with poor grammar and penmanship. It does say to bring the pig to the challenge, though. Ah, the great secret is to be revealed! Without waiting for any more instructions, Ami throws the pig over her shoulder and heads down the beach. She appears WAY too comfortable carrying that thing; is there also some secret to Ami we have yet to uncover as well? Let's hope not, we know way too much already!
The reward challenge again features the bamboo-built, maze-like torture devices that Probst has previously used to such great effect. This time, they are placed in a row with a rope entwined through, around, up, over, and under them. Hassim is already drooling at the thought of what lies ahead.
Probst greets them (and the pig) and Chris immediately insists that the pig be given an orange buff. This is his Plan C, "Make the pig a part of the tribe and vote HIM out instead." Probst asks them if they named the pig, and the general concensus is that the pig is named "Piggy." My goodness, I hope these people showed more originality in their audition videos! Mine and Ismira's are sure to get chosen. Twila asks if maybe, just maybe, they could have a couple of legs to eat? Probst ignores her and explains the challenge.
The tribe will be split into two groups. Scout does NOT get to do it this time. The teams must manuever one of their members along the rope through, around, up, over, and under the torture devices. Oh, and by the way; the team member is to have hands tied and is looped onto the rope! I know for a fact that this is against the Geneva Convention; I have checked. But Probst does not care; he goes on to tell them that the winning team will travel to a remote village to spend the night with the villagers and eat a "feast." I am thinking that unless the villagers live in a Marriot hotel with a buffet and open bar, this will not be much of a reward.
The teams are divided up as follows: Twila, Scout, Leanne, and Julie (Team "Bold and Beautiful") versus Ami, Eliza, Chris, and Chad (Team "Dumb and Dumber.) Eliza and Julie are the ones chosen to have their hands tied and their bodies leashed to a rope. Interestingly enough, it does not look like either girl's first time in this predicament. Cousin Radul is determined to get their phone numbers.
Eliza's team uses her scrawny, emaciated frame to their advantage; Chad and Chris simply pick her up and throw her through the obstacle course, steadily pulling ahead. The other team gradually falls behind, partly due to the fact that Scout spends a majority of her time carressing Julie's buttocks instead of helping.
The guys easily drag Eliza under a log, scraped skin notwithstanding. Julie is pulled under her log face-down, evoking a hearty laugh from Hassim. It is too little, too late; Eliza's team has finished the course and has won the reward!! Probst tells Julie, "Too bad. You hurt yourself, you humiliated yourself, you let Scout caress you, all for nothing. Get over it. Go home. To further humiliate you, I will have the effects department make it rain on your camp all night." They head off.
The winners take the pig onto a waiting airplane to the "remote village." Apparently, pigs, airplanes, and high altitudes don't mix, and this little piggy goes "wee wee wee, all the way home." The resulting stench is unbearable, even for Survivors who haven't bathed in almost four weeks. Soon enough, they leave the plane and board a bus for the "remote village." After passing two McDonald's, a Pizza Hut, and a Starbuck's where Ami used to work, they finally get to the village to be greeted by a host of natives in grass skirts.
They spend the first few minutes figuring out who gets this darn pig, and eventually unload it on the village chief. But, darn it, he gives them an even worse looking one in return! Chris says they just sort of forgot about it, but Ismira argues that they should have brought it back to camp. It had no "Do Not Eat" restrictions on it!!!
The natives, finally glad to have an audience, begin performing the Vanuatu version of "Riverdance" in their bare feet. They dance, stomp, shout and sing, inviting the Survivors to do the Hokey-Pokey with them. Chad swears they're really on the set of "Drumline 2: Bongo Backbeat." Ismira is sure she has seen "Dah", her favorite native, in the crowd.
After this surreal Polynesian prom, the Survivors are offered more of the "Kava" the men enjoyed so much in the very first episode. "Kava," it turns out, is Vanuatu for, "Practical Joke." The Survivors drink and spit according to local custom, and immediately begin feeling the effects of the drink.
Eliza says her mouth went numb... (From overuse? An answered prayer? Vanuatu Preventive Medicine?) My clan is trying to see who can come up with the best Eliza joke for that comment! Chad, however, does not hold his liquor well. After only one bowl, he is staggering, woozy, and drunk. But hey, at least his mouth isn't numb! He is quickly put down for a nap while the others stay up for the slumber party.
Their "feast" consists of a dead, half-cooked cow with its head still on. Ami is concerned that it doesn't have the nutritional value she was looking for. Probst has indeed sunk to new lows; my faith in him is restored! While the Survivors do not enjoy the dinner, the show is quite entertaining. It's a campfire sing-a-long, with the kids singing American songs they have learned, including "I'm A Little Teapot," "American Woman," and "FunkyTown." Chris tries his hand at a little karaoke, but then it's bedtime.
Back at the Alinta camp, Probst's dire prediction has come true. It is downpouring, drenching the camp and everything in it. The women try desperately to keep the fire going amidst the thunder, lightning, and freezing cold. Leanne is especially scared; she didn't realize that this Survivor game was going to be played OUTDOORS! Cousin Hassim is now hurling more Arabic curses at the screen and saying the most unkind things about Leanne's mother, whom I am sure he's never met.
The rain has finally slowed somewhat, but everything is soaked. Hey, at least there's an abundance of fresh water! Scout uses this opportunity to suggest they keep the outdoorsy guys and dump the worthless, good-for-nothing, malnourished, pig-fearing Eliza. The others seem positive about the idea, except Leanne, whose eyebrows are furrowed and is staring slackjawed, mouthing, "What the..." Scout does not catch this subtle body language, and proceeds with her plan.
The reward winners return from the remote village, without the pig. The others are not impressed; not only did these folks stay dry, but they didn't bring back any "bones" (nudge, nudge; wink, wink.) I guess the three of them that were awake ate the WHOLE cow by themselves! They try to tell of all the cute children singing "FunkyTown," but still get no response. Ami and Eliza are outraged that they weren't treated better. Ismira says they should have brought back pieces "from the Barrier Reef." She sighs as she daydreams for a moment.
Ami is a master of body language, and can tell that people are plotting because it doesn't look like people are plotting. Indeed, Scout is telling the guys that the rest of the women are on board, and Eliza will get voted out next. Chris is glad that Plan D, "New Age Vulnerable Man With Puppy Dog Eyes," seems to be having an effect.
With no further ado, the Survivors are at the Immunity Challenge. Colorful telephone poles, one for each contestant, have been sunk into the ground for some dastardly purpose. Probst takes the necklace back from Ami and tells them the game is simple; whoever stays up their pole the longest, wins. Sort of like when Uncle Shirad got treed by a band of wild hyenas in Lebanon. (He lost a leg in that one.)
The Survivors grab their poles (why are you giggling, Radul?) and the game begins. Julie is the first one out quickly, sliding down to the ground. Chris soon follows, eliciting boos from my tent. Scout falls out third; at least she wasn't first! Believe it or not, Eliza is still holding on tight. She is thinkng to herself, pretend it's a rich young doctor... pretend it's a rich young doctor...
Ami slides out next. Then Eliza is finally out, falling halfway down the pole at once. Ouch! Meanwhile, Twila has found a loophole in the rules and is holding on with her teeth. Either that, or she's really, really, hungry. Leanne drops out and it's just Twila and Chad. Note to Survivors: You should be ashamed of yourself! The one-legged man and the woman using her dentures outlasted you! In my culture, mass suicide would be the only available option...
Twila's dentures ultimately prove stronger that Chad's steel leg, and Chad slips to the ground. Twila wins immunity, and I win one of my bets!! Now, if she would just coldcock Ami into the campfire...
Once back at camp, the politicking shifts into full swing. Chad wants Eliza out. Ami wants Chad out. Scout wants Eliza out. Ismira wants Brady back in. Ami talks with Leanne and Julie. Chad talks with Scout. Scout will talk with the others. Twila wants Eliza out. Chad talks to Twila. Scout talks to an Indian spirit from Stillwater, Oklahoma. Twila talks to Ami. Ami still wants Chad out. Chris wants his mommy. Twila reports back to Scout. Scout still wants Eliza out. Hassim still wants more bloodshed. Sarge still wants that pig. Allah, my head is spinning!!
What it comes down to is this: The best Scout, Twila, and the guys can hope for is a tie. That would bring out the "Purple Rock of Death." I do not know what this is, but the Survivors fear it like some superstitious talisman. I will have to get one if ever I am accepted for the show! Anyway, Twila is not sure she wants to risk facing this hideous purple rock.
With that, it's Tribal Council time! The first order of business is to bring back Sarge! I am excited, but Ismira tells me that he is not really back in the game; he is part of the "jury" that will decide who gets the million dollars. Oh, well, Sarge, maybe you'll get a spot on "All-Stars 2."
Probst starts off by gloating about the turn the weather has taken. Maybe he REALLY had a hand in it, after all. Leanne admits she is about to go psycho when it rains. Just imagine if the pig would have peed on her!
Probst asks if the women's alliance is still strong, and if the guys are trying to fight. Chris and Chad admit that they've worked their way down to Plan G, "Pleading on your knees like a pitiful, woeful, orphan child," and maybe one of the plans will work. Eliza, the originator of the pitiful, woeful, orphan expression, is worried about possible defectors. She doesn't mention any names (SCOUT and TWILA) but you can't trust everybody (SCOUT and TWILA).
Twila says you can't truly trust anybody. Ami begs to differ; people can trust HER; if they do exactly as she says and don't think for themselves and only until the alliance doesn't need them anymore, or maybe if they make an offhand comment that gets misheard and misconstrued and used to fuel an already seething hatred that leads to getting voted off when you're a woman and you're supposed to be voting off the men...
Before Chad can strangle Ami, it's time to vote. We see only three votes: Ami, voting for Chad, and Chad and Chris both voting for Eliza. This is not a good sign, Ami has NEVER been on the wrong side of a vote. Sure enough, when the votes are read, another man bites the dust. It is 2 votes for Eliza; 6 votes for Chad. Scout and Twila, in order to keep their rebellion plotting secret, fell back under Ami's spell and voted off Chad rather than forcing a tie! I am enraged by their lack of courage!!!! Chad heads down the Walk of Death, hopefully to return next week by Sarge's side.
Speaking of next week, it looks like Chris is on to Plan J, "Tell everybody everything to get them mad at each other and not at you." He tells Ami of Scout's failed attempt at a coup, and Ami goes on a rampage. Ismira says it's a "Lex Witch-hunt," whatever that means. I guess we'll find out. Now, let me practice with my Ami dartboard...
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
November 11, 2004
Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 9: Sighs, Lies, & The Guys' Demise
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
It is "Jury Time!" Or so Ismira tells us. Time for decision making, time for listening to the facts, time to complain amongst ourselves. Isn't this what happens every week? Time to throw out jurors... but wait, this is not the Scott Peterson trial, it is "Survivor: Vanuatu"! Certainly no less interesting, with villains much more entertaining and better looking in bathing suits (for the most part, anyway.)
Have no fear, American viewing public; Honest Achmed, The Mideast's Liquidation Leader, is still here with my own crazy jury to guide you through the twists and turns of another exciting episode. The HDTV is once again wiped clean, the antenna is in place, there are dates and roasted lamb on the table, and Cousins Hassim and Radul have promised not to play their drinking game every time Sarge or Chris says "Dude." It's Friday morning, Mideast Time, and the tent is full!
Ismira can't decide whether to be happy or sad this week. On one hand, she is glad to see the women beginning to dominate the men in the competition. If I hear one more time how more women have won "Survivor" than men, I believe I will duct tape her mouth shut. Cousin Radul offered me some of his that he uses for "body hair removal," but I declined. Ismira is so happy that she wants to party "like it's your birthday," whatever that means. Ismira's birthday doesn't occur until April.
Despite her elation, however, she is still extremely upset with Ami. Join the club, sister! I fear, though, that she has taken her dislike of the young coffee server to a ridiculous extreme. She has organized several of the local harems (those who still watch after Brady was voted out) and yesterday they staged a protest march across the sand dunes on the outskirts of our village. Cousin Radul was supposed to paint them a banner reading "Vote Out Ami," but his just said, "Out Ami." They marched around the village all day, hoping to catch the attention of CNN or maybe Al-Jazeera. I told Ismira that Al-Jazeera was too busy falsifying stories in Iraq to help her with her cause.
Ismira's crusading aside, she and I have been working on our applications for the next installment of "Survivor." We spent this last week filming our audition videotapes, with the help of Cousin Radul. I decided that my video should show me as a modern-day Lawrence of Arabia, so I raced across the sand dunes, standing atop my camel on one leg, shouting "I'm the king of the world!" in Arabic. It then shows me in the marketplace, taking advantage of American tourists with my superior bargaining skills. The video ends with me talking to the camera, saying how much better I will be than all of the fat, lazy Americans. I will either get on the show, or get arrested for being a suspected terrorist!
Ismira's video took a different route. She is shown bellydancing wearing just two buffs in strategic places (Cousin Radul's idea). She handles snakes and throws scimitars at palm trees. She eats fried scorpions (actually a delicacy in our part of the world, but don't tell the producers.) I am concerned, though, that Radul insists on zooming in on Ismira's buttocks during various scenes. He assures me that all Survivor applicants do this; I am not convinced.
Be that as it may... Last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu", the two tribes were combined into a single group in what is called a "merge." The men were glad to have Rory back among their group, and Rory likewise was glad to be able to talk about something other than pantyliners and Christopher Lowell. The men, unfortunately, did not take seriously the "Ami Factor," even though Rory warned them about it, and Ami was able to sway the votes of Julie and my beloved Twila (who I might add, is looking better and better each week.) Rory was sent packing as the women teamed up on the men. Alas, poor Rory, we knew you well; let's get started!!
Once again, we see the remaining castaways trudging back to camp after voting out yet another of their numbers. Ami is very pleased with herself, and does not really care who knows it. She is hugging and rubbing on everyone, especially Sarge, with the same self-serving, maniacal smirk that Cousin Hassim has when he has finished torturing a small, defenseless animal.
Privately, Chris tells us that maybe, just maybe, he made a mistake in trusting Twila and Julie. Wow, that hindsight needs no contact lenses!!! We see nothing of poor Chad, who is still in the jungle changing his underwear. Hope that mysterious, invisible monster doesn't get him... wait, wrong show. Twila tells us privately that she is still troubled about the way she voted tonight, and that she is feeling pangs of guilt, remorse, and a sudden craving for kosher pickles. Why is it that everyone always realizes the foolishness of their choices only AFTER the damage has been done? We Middle Easterners are not like that; we NEVER realize the foolishness of our choices!!
Meanwhile, the guys certainly realize how foolish Twila was, and contemplate this unanswerable question by the fire. They realize that although Twila's situation with the women is not good, it is still better than theirs. Sarge looks as sad as the day he found out that Darth Vader really WAS Luke Skywalker's father. Heavy sigh...
The day dawns as we find Sarge, who apparently hasn't moved from his place by the fire, glaring menacingly at Scout. Maybe she's sitting in Bubba's old spot; we are not told. Anyway, Scout is looking ahead to her career after "Survivor" by practicing for a singing audition on "American Idol." Thankfully, Simon does not show up to insult her, but Sarge looks as if he is ready to strangle her anyway. Sarge admits he is mad at these women, at women in general, and will possibly return home to divorce his wife. Cousin Hassim is hoping that he will win his online bet and that Sarge will soon go on a murderous, bloody, killing rampage. Radul simply hopes Julie will get naked again.
Before either man's fantasy can be fulfilled, we are at the Reward Challenge. Ismira sees the colored cubes on the ground and states that this is the "Question-and-answer-and-knock-players-out-in-the-order-you-want-to-vote-them-out" challenge. We ask her to repeat that, but she is out of breath.
Sure enough, she seems to be correct. Probst informs the Survivors that they will play "Trivial Pursuit: Vanuatu Edition." If they get a question right, they get to set fire to the Survivor's head of their choice. Hassim immediately begins jumping for joy, until he realizes that the heads are merely coconut representations. Secretly, he makes notes for "Survivor: The Sahara."
Probst says the winner will fly in a helicopter through a canyon, then land on the rim of a dormant volcano for lunch. I did that once at an IMAX theatre in Damascus! The game begins, and the players answer questions about Vanuatu culture, commerce, and the size of various animal body parts. The thought of lunch on a volcano made me hungry, so I got up briefly to try some of Yamiin's new Buffalo Lamb. When I sat back down, the three men had already been eliminated! First Sarge, then Chad, then Chris. No subtlety there!
Next to go is Eliza. She is NOT HAPPY to discover that she is on the bottom of Ami's food chain. She sits down and fumes the rest of the game as if her head really WAS on fire. Chris is having a laugh at her expense, as is an overwhelming majority of my village. Eventually, the field narrows to Twila (yay!) and Leanne. Leanne pulls ahead and finally sets fire to Twila's last coconut to win the reward!
Having proven that she is indeed the master of Vanuatu minutia, Leanne is allowed to take one person with her. I am appalled at this; that someone unworthy should share in a rightfully won reward! Ismira explains that this is yet another devious trick by Probst, to foster resentment and discontent among the others, and to send two people away so the others can plot against them. I think on this for a moment and realize that Probst does indeed have ties to the demons of Gehenna. Leanne, with no hesitation, chooses Julie, and the two rush into each other's arms like they haven't seen each other in... well, ten seconds or so. They board a waiting helicopter while the others are sent back to camp empty-handed to simmer, plot, and conspire.
Julie and Leanne, meanwhile, are having the time of their lives as the helicopter pilot Red-Barons his way down a picturesque, jungle canyon reminiscent of "Jurassic Park." The girls are laughing, screaming at each other, cursing, and feeling like throwing up. Sounds like another of Cousin Radul's parties. In fact, Radul got sick from just watching the helicopter ride, and is outside the tent throwing up. I think it was the hyssop tea.
They land at their lunch spot, and Leanne is surprised to see such greenery around the area. Apparently, she doesn't understand the concept of "dormant." However, she DOES understand the concept of champagne and buffalo wings, and the two young women spend the afternoon getting drunk and slobbering over cooked poultry. The conversation eventually turns to Scout and Eliza, and they can't decide who they despise the most. Maybe if Julie paints more little "Jeff" hearts all over her body, he will let the women vote them both out at once. After the men, of course. Heavy sigh...
Back at camp, I am disappointed that we see none of the promised plotting, scheming, and resentment. All we see is Scout taunting Eliza for getting mad at the challenge. Eliza is offended that Scout called her "smart." I thought Eliza... well, there's just no pleasing these American women! Eliza simply hates Scout; Scout simply hates Eliza. If the men were smart, they would see this as a crack big enough for Rory to walk through. However, if the men were smart, maybe they would have done better in the challenge...
To his credit, Chris thinks this bickering may give the men a chance. The three guys go out in a canoe together, as a group, far away from the women, so no one will think they're plotting anything. (I know, Yamiin. "Dripping with sarcasm." Sorry.) They decide that Eliza is a weak link in her alliance and they should target her. Ismira argues that if Eliza is indeed uncertain of her alliance, the men should recruit her to get rid of Scout. Cousin Radul argues that Eliza has lost too much weight, and her fake breasts are beginning to show.
While the guys are off "not plotting," Leanne and Julie return from their volcano adventure, as drunk as sorority girls during rush week. Leanne says she has "smuggled" in some of the buffalo wings. Somehow, I doubt she snuck them past the cameraman... They say the chicken wings are for the women, and the guys will get the bones. Ismira begins mumbling something about a "used breath mint."
The girls quickly devour the leftover wings, and when the guys return, the women pretend all that was brought back was bones. Amazingly, the guys fall for this lame scenario, and gladly chew and gnaw the bones while the women nudge and wink at one another.
Must I relate the ruckus this caused in my humble tent? Ismira is laughing; while Radul is having anxiety attacks. Cousin Hassim, on the other hand, spent the commercial break kicking Ismira's pet dachsund and muttering about how he "had a bone" for these women. It took three tribal elders to finally subdue Hassim, and now he sits in the corner of the tent in shackles.
Eliza is next seen hiking through the jungle to get their "Tree Mail," and discovers that one of the pigs from the wrestling contest several episodes ago is tied to the tree as well. It is not immediately clear who is the more frightened; the pig, Eliza, or the television viewing audience at the thought of more mud. Eliza decides to drag the pig, kicking and squealing, back to camp.
Awaiting them there are Sarge and Twila, both carrying machetes, and Chad, with a bottle of barbeque sauce. The intent of the tribe is crystal clear; meat's back on the menu!!! The note Eliza is holding, however, states that they must take care of the pig until further notice. Great, another mouth to feed. The last thing the Survivors were supposed to take care of was a sacred stone; whatever happened to that? Heavy sigh...
Sarge is desperate for more protein; all this chocolate cake is ruining his "SugarBusters" diet. He says he can almost taste the pig; and wants it even more than he wanted Julie a few days ago, albeit for markedly different reasons. He eventually decides that the pig is better company than the women, and spends time bonding with it, male pig to male pig.
Where has the time gone? It's Day 24, and time for the Immunity Challenge. The Survivors arrive, and Probst takes the Immunity Necklace back from a VERY unhappy Sarge. The challenge is simple; in theory, that is. The contestants must assemble puzzle pieces into a variety of star-shaped colorful patterns according to a drawing that Probst shows them briefly. A challenge for the best of thinkers, but these people haven't had a good night's sleep or a decent meal in over three weeks! As their strategies have shown, they obviously aren't thinking clearly.
The three genius men can't even make it past the beginner's level puzzle, and are eliminated in the first round. The next round is more complex and faster, and Scout and Twila are eliminated. Eliza, founder of the Vanuatu chapter of MENSA, is eliminated in the third round, leaving Ami, Leanne, and Julie. In the Final Jeopardy round, Ami defeats the others to win the necklace. Upon seeing her win Immunity, Ismira begins comparing her to a viral foot fungus. At least I think that's what it meant. Regardless of Ismira's disgust, Ami cannot be voted out tonight.
Back at Camp, Ami has that same look that she started tonight's show with. She knows she might look like a "strong woman," but she's used to it. (Insert lesbian joke here.) Cousin Hassim is drooling; Ismira kicks him in the groin to shut him up. Ami says, matter-of-factly, that she will vote off Sarge first before he can win any more immunities. A strategic move, Ami, but you are still the witch-devil of Vanuatu, and don't forget it!
Sarge knows he is the next on Ami's hit list, and this REALLY puts him in a good mood. Chris and Chad, the Dynamic Duo, talk with Scout about her thoughts. Now THERE'S a can of worms I wouldn't want to open! She expresses, to no one's great surprise, her dislike of "Eliza's vibe." She also does not like how Leanne and Julie are always hugging and dancing the Lambada; it makes her jealous and touches her in "places she can't even speak of." Heavy sigh...
And speaking of making Scout jealous, Twila and Sarge are making amends. Sarge reveals that Julie has been lying to Twila, and the proverbial light bulb finally goes off above Twila's head. She agrees to come back tight into their alliance. That puts them at four strong; only one more and they can carry the state of Ohio... With all the disgruntled women on the island, it should be an easy task. Shouldn't it?
Chad has been giving this some thought. Granted, some haven't-slept-or-eaten-a-decent-meal-in-over-three-weeks thought, but at least he's trying. He realizes that Eliza, because she's feeling vulnerable, might side with them to vote off Scout. Didn't somebody write that a few minutes ago? But I fear he has not taken into consideration the AMI FACTOR.
Chris, however, is not certain that his alliance will survive tonight's vote. It's all about the numbers, and they ain't got any. He realizes that in order to stay in the game, he must "please the ladies." Let's all pray for no more nude sunbathing!!! I am thinking that he may be the first rat off of Sarge's sinking ship.
Tribal Council looms near again, and as they are seated, Probst decides it's "Pick on Eliza" night. He reminds her, and the rest of the women, how angry she was with them, and how she has really been in trouble all game, what with the alliance-swapping, laziness, fear of pigs, and not to mention all that weight loss that shows off her fake... Anyway, Sarge interrupts this tirade to bring up the obvious fact that the women are indeed fractured.
But he does not stop there. He tells all about the Twila-Julie debacle, his Final Four alliance with Twila, and even his secret tryst with her at the last reward challenge (Okay, that last one was just in his mind.) I am wondering why he seems to be spilling all the beans about tribal dynamics. Almost like a man with nothing to lose...
Probst asks them about honesty. Leanne says Twila was honest, but got in trouble instead of Julie. Chris says honestly, lying is part of the game. He would lie if he had to, honest. Sarge just honestly wanted to eat that darn pig. Does Ami want to give up the Immunity Necklace? Honestly, no.
The Survivors are reminded that those they stab in the back from now on will return with daggers as part of the jury. Hassim gets excited again, but I assure him that Probst is only speaking figuratively. Hassim goes back to sulking. Probst warns them to be very careful. In Survivor language, I am told, this translates to, "put smiley faces on your parchment when you vote somebody off." With that dire warning, it's time to vote.
We are only shown one vote; it is Chris voting for his buddy Sarge! He says he will burn all the women, if they will just open the door a little for him. It's figurative again, Hassim! He says it's not a vote against Sarge. Funny, that's what it LOOKS like! I am sincerely hoping his prophecy comes true; my clan would rejoice if he only succeeds in burning AMI.
When Probst reads the votes, it's 1 for Eliza, 1 for Julie, and the rest for Sarge!! Twila AND Chris voted for Sarge, and Chad threw his vote away for Julie! I will have to replay the TIVO to make sure this is what actually happenned. Sarge finally takes the Walk of Death, dreaming of a dinner of bacon, sausage, and baby back ribs. I hope he gets his wish!!!
Next week, a torrential downpour hits the Alinta camp, where "Alinta" now means "People Who Wish They Had Fire." It seems that Scout makes a play to wrest the power away from Ami, with a little help from the remaining men. A week late for Poor Sarge. Somebody quick, play "Taps"...
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
November 05, 2004
Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 8: Birds Of A Feather (aka "Women Loving Women")
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Ah, what was our life like before "Survivor?" Who can remember back to the days of quiet life around our village, when the women cooked and went to the well for water? The days when Cousin Radul spent his time shaving his sheep to look like French poodles... Unfortunately, those days are gone forever. Now, we backstab, plot, scheme, and lie to each other all the time. But wait, the American presidential race is over...
Once again, my tent is filled and we are ready for another intoxicating episode of this Darwinian game show called "Survivor: Vanuatu." I, Honest Achmed, Mercantile Master of the Mideast, and my family are rested and ready to explain the way the game SHOULD be played; with skill, cunning, and a fair amount of pepper seasoning!
It has been a busy week around my village. Cousin Hassim and I have spent the week scouting locations for our upcoming production of "Survivor: The Sahara." We have been searching for the perfect spot for tribal campsites. I found two seperate places where a picturesque oasis would provide shelter and water for our contestants. Hassim prefers the location he has selected; a rocky crag next to the Great Scorpion Pit of Harad-Rym. Old Uncle Amin once camped there; he left camp to use the bathroom, and was never heard from again! Hassim says it would add "interest" to the living conditions. Interest, and potential lawsuits.
We eventually agreed on a compromise. One tribe will get the oasis, and one tribe will get the scorpion pit. Whoever said that "Survivor: The Sahara" was going to be fair? Our game will start with its own bizarre twist; we will name our tribes "Kessdara" (meaning "goat dung") and "Swa-Bakk" (meaning "nasty water"). Now we simply need to find someone to write witty, insightful recaps and commentary!
There is also good news for my shop in the village. My competitor, Honest Omar, was cutting into my "Survivor" merchandise business with his own line of products. Last week, however, he was arrested by the tribal elders for selling copies of the American magazine "Playboy" featuring pictures of several of the Survivor women posing nude. Honest Omar was dragged through the streets of the village tied to a horse, then thrown into the local jailhouse while the tribal elders decide which part of his body is to be cut off for this offense. The elders collected all the offensive material and were preparing to burn it, but now, all the magazines have turned up "missing." Very interesting...
On a more personal note... I have decided that the time is right; I have learned so much about this game of "Survivor," that Ismira and I are sending in our applications for the next round! Now I know that only American citizens are eligible for Mark Burnett's game show, but Cousin Hassim has handled this for us; we now have perfectly forged American citizenship papers and passports! Ismira is listed as "Gloria Dombrowski" from New Jersey, and I am listed as a used car salesman named "Brian" from Quartz Hill, California. Ismira says my chances should be very good. Cousin Radul will help us begin working on our videotapes soon; that should prove very interesting!
Well, last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu," Yasur finally began winning challenges again, and Rory especially saved himself by being the ultimate stud in the Immunity Challenge. Ami, not being impressed with studly men in general, is still wanting to get rid of him in order to keep the women together. On the losing Lopevi side of things, dearly departed Little John made a series of mistakes, including sleeping too much around camp, targeting the wrong person at the wrong time, and trusting Chris. This resulted in him taking the dreaded Walk of Death. This week looks to be interesting, with Ismira mumbling about a "merge" and more nudity for us to endure. I am desperately praying for my HDTV to malfunction again; let's get started!
Oh, no; back to the eerie pseudo-reality of night vision as Lopevi is back at camp after voting off Little John. Julie is glad that it was not her that was voted off, and decides that the "put out or be voted out" strategy is working for her. She spends the evening snuggled by the fire, between Sarge's legs, further adding to his already expressed erotic fantasies. Chad looks on with a puzzled expression, either disgusted at Julie's blatant tactics or wondering if Sarge's fantasies include any extra people.
The next day dawns as a continuation of the previous night's fraternity/sorority party. Sarge and the rest of the guys are engaged in typical male locker room talk about Julie's desperate ploys. They compare her to Ginger on "Gilligan's Island," except for the whole movie-star thing and the dresses, and the perfect make up.... but I digress. Let's see, that would make Sarge the Skipper; the Skipper and Ginger always had a thing, didn't they? I must ask Ismira to dig out the old DVD collection!
"TV Land" references aside, Twila admits that Julie is using sex appeal to stay in the game. Twila says she would use it too, if she could just remember that many years ago. She tries her hand at it anyway, and the next scene shows us Sarge in the middle of a Lopevi sandwich. He, Twila, and Julie have all pulled their pants down. Allah help us, the sickness is spreading! Julie comments that Sarge's buttocks are so white that the glare is getting the attention of passing airplanes. Now THAT'S a strategy the Skipper never used to get off the island!!
Chris and Chad happen upon this decadent display of American flesh, and are appropriately revolted and appalled. Like a couple of good Arab children, they begin throwing rocks at the target of Sarge's big, white butt. They are hoping he will awaken from this fantasy and realize he's still sitting around the campfire on Day 12, staring at Julie. For her part, Julie admits she's doing whatever it takes to stay in the game. Cousin Radul says he cannot wait to see her on Day 37!!
We are shown the Yasur camp, finally, and I can again open my eyes without worry. Rory is fed up with the laziness of the young women. All they do is sit around and drink coffee. Granted, so does he, but that's different. Doggone it, these are WOMEN, so they should be cooking and stuff. The only one acting like a true woman is Scout. How's that for irony...
He also thinks Eliza is stupid. I am wondering how it took him this long to figure it out. He says she can't even boil water. That's an old joke, I know, but he really said it, honest! He hates Ami really, really, really bad and wants her out of the game. Or maybe executed in a bizarre fashion. For once, my entire clan agrees with Rory; I will have to fax him Cousin Hassim's cell phone number.
Before Rory can concoct his dastardly plan, it is time for the Reward Challenge. Once again, the opposing tribe is startled to discover who was voted out the previous night. Scout claims to have seen the ghost of Twila going through the gates of Graceland, down to the Jungle Room. It was either a bizarre dream, or the result of the hemp they recently found in the forest. Either way, she is ecstatic to see Twila still among the living. Sarge says, "Hands off, New Age freak. Twila's mine; all mine." Twila shuffles her feet, looking either coy or really ticked off.
Before this love triangle can develop into a full Isosceles, Probst reminds them that they are here for a reward. No, Scout, a reward other than seeing Twila. It will be a water bucket relay, involving tossing the entire bucket from team member to member, then throwing just the water. The goal, as impossible as it sounds, is to eventually get enough water to the top of a tower to fill a bucket and set off a torch. The winners will get milk, cookies, and a huge chocolate cake. Anticipating a sugar rush that would send a sumo wrestler into a coma, the teams charge into the challenge.
It is as comical as I imagined it would be. Both teams begin tossing water around like it was... well, water. Splashing and screaming are the order of business. Hassim is waiting for someone to get beaned with a metal can, but to his dismay, it never happens.
Gradually, Lopevi learns the proper way to toss the water buckets; that would be with the bottom of the bucket facing DOWN. They slowly take the lead as they get a rhythm established. Yasur, on the other hand, has made the critical mistake of putting Ami right before Rory. Ami spends her entire time throwing buckets of water AT Rory, not TO him. Rory squeezes more water out of his buff, shirt, shorts, shoes, underwear, and beard than he ever catches in a bucket. Unfortunately, his shorts can't hold enough water, and Lopevi wins the challenge easily. Probst orders the losers back to camp hungry while Lopevi gets to indulge in abject culinary sinfulness.
The next morning, Lopevi is having "chocolate cake for breakfast." Ismira is now walking around the tent, bobbing her head like Bill Cosby. Maybe, next time, they will win Jello pudding. The sugar has gotten to Sarge, who is sick from the excess. We are mercifully spared the disgusting details of exactly what happened to him during the night, but Ismira says she can find out on "Survivor: Insider." I didn't realize she knew someone in the organization. Maybe that will give our applications an advantage!
They remark about how odd Scout's comments about Twila were at the challenge. Keep in mind that the men have never actually LIVED around this 5 foot tall Yoda before. Twila simply wishes that Scout would have just "shut her cakehole."
In what in retrospect will seem like an idiotic series of conversations, Chad and Chris discuss their alliance, and how they are certain that Twila and Julie are solidly on their side. Apparently, nudity DOES cloud the American male thinking patterns. Chris, in the midst of trying to offend Chad with a bad "one leg" joke, offers him a Final Two alliance. Chad accepts, but Chris later inform us that he has made the same offer to Sarge and to Julie. Ismira is nudging me, saying, "Way to go, BRIAN." I have no idea what she is talking about.
And now it's time for the Immunity Challenge. As the teams arrive, Rory gives the Immunity tiki-stick-thing back to Probst, who notices it has been broken. Rory is informed that any replacement costs will be taken out of his winnings (before taxes.) Probst throws it away and gets the necklace that Little John wore several episodes ago as a replacement. He tells them to drop their buffs, and for a startled moment I am expecting multiple nudity. Thankfully, he is giving them new orange buffs to replace their old, stinky ones because they are now "merging".
Ismira explains to us that this means the two tribes are now becoming one, and that it opens an entirely new phase of the competition. And just when I was getting the hang of things! Cousin Hassim is frustrated at this turn of events; especially since Honest Omar has no more camels he can shoot. Ismira runs to her computer to quickly order orange buffs from CBS.com. When they each return, I explain to them that the contestants have chosen the Lopevi beach to live because it has a better fire area, a better beach area and doesn't have as many "girl cooties."
They will now compete in this challenge as individuals. The goal is to swim out to a tower, climb it, walk a plank, grab a flag, jump back into the water, and bring the flag back to shore. The first person with three flags wins, and there will be no Olympic comittee judging their dives into the water. The Survivors are relieved.
The first heat has Sarge easily outracing everyone to capture his three flags. Chris, who surprisingly handles the balance beams, is narrowly beaten by Eliza, of all people. The second heat features Rory the water machine and Ami advancing to the final round. In the final round, Rory's coffee boost is no match for Sarge's sugar rush as Sarge easily outswims him to win the Immunity necklace. Ami and Eliza never really stood a chance, and my clan actualy forgot they were in the race.
When the "merged" tribe reaches the old Lopevi beach, I am dismayed by what they find. Probst has shown his weakness and has give them a buffet of food, snacks, and wine, when they did NOTHING to deserve it! The Survivors do not share my indignation; they whoop and holler just as if the New Orleans Saints had won the Superbowl (Dream on, I know.) They immediately dig in, and Sarge slips into his usual goofy celebratory mood. He dances when he finds Yasur's coffee maker. I am wondering to myself; if the sugary cake made him sick, what will high-octane cappuchinos do to his digestive tract?
Rory is also feeling good. He is as glad to be among the men as Scout is to be among the women. He wastes no time doing what he had just promised the women he wouldn't do; going straight to the men to reform his old alliance. He immediately starts blasting Ami (and rightfully so) and explaining how she needs to be the next one to go. Rory explains he tried sunbathing in the nude, also, but it had no effect on Ami. This assault on his machismo must not be tolerated!
Rory tells Chad and Chris he will gladly be the sixth member in the "Lopevi 5." Kind of messes up the name, doesn't it? In what will again, in retrospect, seem like an idiotic conversation, Chad and Chris agree that Julie and Twila are solidly in their alliance.
The new tribe now has the new name, "Alinta", meaning "People of Fire," or "People Who Bring Fire," or perhaps "People Who Got Fired," I am not quite sure. It certainly doesn't have the same ring as "Goat Dung." Ismira likes their new flag, showing a mountainous volcano rising out of the water. I looked closely, and could see that Scout had painted little flailing arms sticking out of the volcano's rim. Cousin Hassim was pleased. The women celebrate the new tribe by plucking each other's eyebrows and administering erotic body art with the leftover paint.
Ami is hugging and kissing on all the women, and Sarge thinks it's just because she wants them back on her team. Poor, innocent Sarge. He does suspect, however, that she has some supernatural hold over all the women. Sure enough, Twila approaches the men and says they want Rory gone first. Slapping his head in frustration, Chad tries to explain the concept of "alliance" to Twila. He has no luck, so Chris tries talking to her, highway worker to highway worker. Still, no luck.
Ami is busy overseeing all the rest of the Stepford Wives in her tribe, and simply wants all the guys gone; she doesn't really care in which order. She really needs time with a therapist; better make it a FEMALE one. The men, especially Sarge, finally begin to realize what a threat she is.
Sarge tries to talk some sense into Twila, and she finally seems to come around to their way of thinking. She tells them that she will vote their way, but privately tells us she and Julie are in the middle, and she honestly doesn't know which way they'll swing. To her credit, she does not tell anyone else of their indecision. Lesson learned from Dolly!!!
In what, still again, in retrospect will prove to be an idiotic conversation, Chris tells us privately he feels good that Twila and Julie will stay strong in their alliance.
The Alinta tribe now heads to Tribal Council. Ismira says from now on, everyone must go to Tribal Council every time. I am, how do you Americans say... "bummed." This is very discouraging. No more celebrating back at camp while your vanquished adversaries have to sacrifice one of their own! Oh well, I guess I will survive.
Probst starts with the standard questions; "How was the merge?" and "Why did you waste all our expensive paint on tattoos and Klingon makeup?" and "Are you guys FINALLY gonna vote Rory off tonight?" Rory says he feels like he has a second chance starting tonight, and Ami chuckles menacingly. Ami says she has an excellent attitude in every situation. Weather stations from around the world report that Hell has, indeed, frozen over.
Twila eventually admits she's in a tough spot, having been on both tribes. Probst, interestingly enough, does NOT ask Rory the same question. Probst asks Sarge if he wants to give the necklace to anyone else, and he replies, "No way; not even if they win it!" Sarge looks as if he's going to beat up Probst for even suggesting it, so Jeff tells them it's time to vote.
We see two votes; Leanne voting for Rory while she mumbles something about the "master plan," and Rory voting, of course, for Ami. He has several kind words for her, including "a personal vote," "you treated me bad," and "you remind me of jock itch."
Unfortunately, there is no glory for Rory tonight. When the votes are read, there are 4 for Ami, and 6 for Rory. Twila and Julie have re-teamed with the women and have fallen under Ami's spell!! Chris and Chad are stunned; Chad simply sits with his mouth open, wondering if he has any clean underwear. Rory takes the dreaded Walk of Death, and I am left wondering if my beloved Twila has made the right decision, or a decision that will spell her doom.
Next week, the effects of this Tribal Council are being felt at the Alinta camp. Sarge has taken over Rory's spot as head complainer, and the women are having a love-fest. Cousin Radul can hardly wait!!! Also, a pig visits the camp, and there is some debate whether it should be used for companionship or nutrition. Throw them all into the Great Scorpion Pit!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
October 28, 2004
Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 7: "Rock A Bye-Bye Baby"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
The Survivors are dropping like flies! That is, the flies around Cousin Radul's camel, whom he hasn't washed in three months. Welcome again to my humble tent in the middle of the Sahara. I, Honest Achmed, Superb Seller of Souvenirs and Such, am here with my clan to provide you with our expert opinions on this week's episode of the increasingly mystifying "Survivor: Vanuatu." Yamiin has once again set us a wonderful buffet, and we are refreshed and ready to cheer, dance, and throw Arabic curses at our widescreen HDTV. Let the foolishness begin!
We have spent the last week debating Ami's decision to sacrifice Lisa to the volcano. I am of the opinion that it was a strategic power play to gather pawns to solidify a power base, then eliminate a potential threat. Cousin Radul, ever the eye for fashion, is convinced Ami just couldn't look at Lisa's lime green bikini any more. Cousin Hassim is simply happy to see another Survivor "bite the dust." A curious expression, considering where WE live.
Ismira, my fourth wife and our undisputed "Survivor" expert, now officially hates Ami. I have never heard such words come out of her mouth when she discusses the young woman. She says she's "worse than Jerri Manthey" and apparently, that's saying a lot. I think she has been hanging around Cousin Hassim too long!
She is also upset that, despite our new television satellite dish, she cannot see the Survivors appear on a show she calls "Letter-Man." Evidently, in America, even postal workers get their own talk shows! Since then, I have researched this Letter-Man, and have discovered that he could teach Cousin Hassim a thing or two. In what is apparently an American tradition, I have prepared my own "Top Ten" list...
#10....... Ismira could not wear the same color buff two days in a row!
#9....... Sniper attacks on the other tribe are not permitted!
#8....... Cousin Hassim's false citizenship papers would be discovered!
#7....... Cousin Radul thinks television cameras will steal his soul!
#6....... We desert dwellers do not know how to swim!
#5....... Ismira would need three extra suitcases!
#4....... Cousin Radul could not go 39 days without a pedicure!
#3....... Cousin Hassim would maim someone on Day 1!
#2....... Ismira's unimaginable beauty would give her an unfair advantage!
(She made me write that!)
And the number one answer is...
#1..... An AK-47 is not allowed as a luxury item!!!!
On second thought, maybe I SHOULD try out for "Survivor"... I would certainly play the game differently! Last week, on "Survivor: Vanuatu", Yasur was given a new name... Team Downward Spiral. They lost everything last week, including Chuay Gahn's canoe. Ami made a grab for power, although the alliance she has assembled is of questionable talent at best. Over at Lopevi, Julie is testing the theory that men like "Jewels" as much as women, and Twila's close association with Sarge is making me extremely jealous. Can Yasur stop the fateful plunge to Loser Lodge? Will Sarge's alliance hold? Will Julie get a job at "Hooter's"? Only time will tell; let's get started!!!
For once, we do not start the episode in the bluish-gray light of nightvision that makes me think I'm being watched by U.S. sharpshooters. It is a bright morning, Day 16, at the Lopevi Camp. Everyone is working hard, gathering firewood and such. Everyone, that is, except Little John. Having taken the prime spot by the fire since Bubba is now gone, he is claiming squatter's rights over it and has not moved. Chad, still upset that HE didn't get the prime spot again, is complaining about how little work John actually does. Julie even does more work than Little John, and takes her clothes off as well! There's no way Little John can top that (we hope).
The entire tribe is utterly appalled as he wakes up from his third nap of the morning. They express their extreme disgust at his worthless form by... well, by making faces at him. Since this does not serve to make him wither and die, thay talk about how much more he eats than everyone else. Chris and Chad wonder how he keeps his slim, girlish figure. Cousin Radul swears he is sneaking diet pills while the camera isn't looking.
Over at Camp Downward Spiral, Rory is on his knees in prayer. No word on if he is actually facing east or not. He is thankful that he has infiltrated the women's alliance and found his crack. He decides to test his newfound alliance by badgering his alliance partners until they agree to vote him off again. While with Ami (boo, hiss) and Leanne, he insists that Eliza should go. While they suck the last droplets of sucrose out of a few withered stalks of sugar cane, they look at him dumbfounded as if to say, "Don't you remember she was the OTHER one in our alliance?" In my mind, Rory has made a mistake. If he wanted to pick the least productive member of the tribe, several other names come to mind. Scout. Scout. Scout. Scout. Scout. And oh, yes, there's always Scout.
Ami and Leanne pretty much tell him "tough"; it's HIS fault he's a man, after all. They think he will be attracted by the testosterone magnet if a regrouping of the tribes occurs again. He assures them that he is with them, and raises his production level to 120%, up a full ten points from last week. I would suggest to the women to hold onto Rory until he reaches 160, then sell! Rory is not happy with the outcome of this conversation, and despite the prayer he was praying, vows to "burn the camp straight to hell," or something like that. Ismira chimes in to say that has already been done by somebody named "Butch."
After we have been given a brief glimpse at each dysfunctional camp, it's time for the Reward Challenge. The tribes arrive, and Lopevi is surprised to see that Lisa has been the latest one voted out. Probst notices their amazement, and asks who they thought it was going to be. Twila points and says, "You know, him... The Negro guy." Rory takes this all in stride, but Twila has now been scratched off his Kwanzaa card list.
(Not Necessarily In That Order)
The challenge is simple. Simple, that is, if you're a three-legged gymnast with the flexibility of Gumby. The underwater torture devices from a few days ago have been brought to shore, and the contestants must now scramble through them holding a shell full of coconut juice before dumping the juice into a glass jar. The children of my village (and Radul) play a similar game with goat urine and spent mortar casings. It is great fun, so they tell me.
Whoever fills the glass jar first and brings it back to the start will win the game. Before anyone can raise their hands, Probst assures them that peeing into the jar is NOT allowed. And the reward? A trip to a coffee bar, with all the caffeine and croissants they can stuff into themselves. Ami is thinking, a coffee bar? I came here to get AWAY from work! Also, the winners get to take the coffee maker back to camp with them. Finally, if Yasur wins, Scout and Ami will finally have something to "hook up!" I tell this to Radul in an effort to encourage him, but he looks at me as if I'm crazy.
Sarge, whom the tribe loves but realizes is a big clumsy ox, sits out for Lopevi. The game begins, and to be honest, I have a hard time following what is going on. People are weaving their way through this bamboo maze, but shaking all the juice out of their shells. Eliza worriedly makes her way through the course, muttering to herself, "Don't screw up. Don't screw up." Leanne's long legs cause a problem in parts of the maze, but help in the hurdling portion. Cousin Hassim laughs when Probst makes a comment about Chad being on his "last leg."
Scout, when it is her turn, deliberately throws her juice to the ground to disqualify herself and let someone faster take a turn. While this may have been a reasonable strategy, the result in our tent is that the television screen is again covered in dates and spit, and cries for euthanasia fill the air. Yamiin runs to get a wet towel before we miss too much more of the challenge.
Through this confusion, Yasur's predominantly female tribe is able to snake their emaciated bodies through the mazes faster than Lopevi. Their glass jar is filled before Lopevi's. Leanne, however, not content with just singlehandedly botching ONE challenge, tries to lose this one as well so Yasur can continue their streak. She runs back to the start without the glass jar. Her teammates tell her she must make a return trip. She takes them literally on the way back and trips to the ground, nearly breaking the jar and losing it for her tribe. Mercifully,the jar and its contents survive intact, and Yasur finally wins a challenge!
Probst sends the defeated Lopevi tribe home, without so much as a sip of the coconut juice they collected. Yes, true sadistic genius shines through in every situation. Yasur, no longer Team Downward Spiral, heads up the beach to where a makeshift hut awaits them. Ami falls into her old habits and begins serving everyone coffee, skipping around the hut and saying, "Wake up, Denver!" They are puzzled, but don't really care, because Probst has assembled a photo board of their childhoods, families, friends, and Eliza's dog. Apparently, she had no family worthy of a picture.
The survivors ooh and ahh over the pictures. There's really not much more they can say, as their mouths are stuffed with coffee-soaked croissants. They gape at everyone's childhood photos for a long time, taking several home to act as potential blackmail should the need arise. Of great interest is a particularly telling one of Leanne in a great 80's hairdo. Cousin Radul is disappointed that none of Ami's "Playboy" pictures made the photo board. I was not aware that anyone posed for Playboy BEFORE going on Survivor.
But wait, there's more. No Ginsu knives here, folks. Note to self: Dump all those surplus Ronco trinkets on Honest Omar. There are letters from home for the entire tribe! Tears flow as each Survivor reads letters from their spouses, children, parents and same-sex-cohabitation-not-that-there's-anything-wrong-with-that partners. Ami's parents assure her that her deceased brother is looking out for her. Ismira is hoping that this is not another "dead grandmother" trick. This is a strategy I am not aware of. Is it against Survivor rules to have assistance from the afterlife? After all, Halloween IS approaching.
Rory's letter from home proves timely. His wife shows that she truly understands her husband when her letter essentially says "Don't do anything stupid out there!" He decides he may have to revise the "pillage, rape, sack, plunder, and burn" strategy he had so carefully crafted that morning. Hassim is disappointed; he was so looking forward to seeing it in action and taking notes. Yasur eventually leaves the coffee hut, taking the coffee maker and staggering away with a caffeine buzz that hopefully will not lead to severe withdrawal symptoms later on.
The next day at Lopevi, Twila and Julie continue their quality time together. After all, who ELSE are they going to go to the bathroom with? Julie tricks Twila into admitting that she has a Final Four Agreement with Sarge and his platoon. Julie claims to have one too, causing Twila to no longer trust Sarge. I am hollering to Twila, "Don't believe it!" but evidently she does not hear me. My next purchase will be a TWO-WAY television set. The two women agree to stick together, through thick and thin, just like Laverne and Shirley. Except that Shirley never stripped naked. And Twila doesn't wear a "T" on her swimsuit. And they don't live in a basement. And Twila doesn't drink milk and Pepsi. And there's no "Boo-Boo Kitty." And... Okay, maybe it was a bad analogy.
Day 18 dawns with the arrival of tree mail. Along with the usual cryptic message is a slingshot and several marbles. Maybe sniper attacks on the other team ARE allowed! They are told to practice with the slingshots. Cousin Hassim is excited to realize that the next challenge may actually include some combat. He is desperately hoping that "someone's eye gets put out."
At Yasur, Rory does his "Monday Night Football" impressions while he tries teaching the women how to use a slingshot without hurting themselves. He does not succeed. At Lopevi, Sarge instructs the girls, including Little John, on how to shoot by explaining what fun it was to be a juvenile delinquent as a kid. Or maybe as a Marine. Sarge also says there is NO WAY his team will lose to the girls. Ismira has taught me enough to see this as blatant foreshadowing, and I do not like what this says about Lopevi's chances in the upcoming competition. I just hope it is not Sarge's eye that gets put out.
The competition is a large tic-tac-toe board, with a matrix of breakable tiles suspended in the distance. Cousin Hassim is furious when he realizes that the teams will be shooting at the tiles and not each other. He swears that in "Survivor: The Sahara," things will be very different. The object of the game is to break all of the tiles. There is also a strategy of knocking out entire rows to quickly sit out your weaker players. Eliza and Scout are thankful for this.
Chris sits out this challenge. Obviously, balance AND aim are not his strong suits. The shooting commences, and I am amazed at what I see. Scout actually seems to do well at this challenge, while my beloved Twila can't hit a single tile without a sawed-off shotgun. The stability of my world is restored, though, when Eliza is again horrible. Indeed, there are certain constants in the universe.
Rory quickly takes charge of this stationary skeet shoot, blasting away tile after tile. He expertly takes out enough tiles for Leanne and Eliza to quickly get out of the game, leaving Yasur's three strongest shooters. He continues to score hit after hit. He says, "This one's for my little boy!" and "This one's for Tupac!" as he quickly brings his tribe to a decisive win. Now, it is HIS turn to scream incoherently as Probst hands him the Immunity tiki-stick-thing. Out of habit, Rory turns to lead his tribe to Tribal Council until Probst manages to convinve Yasur that they really DON'T have to go tonight! Still not quite believing it, they head back to camp.
At Yasur, Rory is understandably ecstatic. He celebrates by slamming the tiki stick into the ground and breaking its head off. Somebody call the props department! Privately, Rory tells us he "rocked Ami's world." I do not know what this means, but Cousin Radul is angry they did not show that scene. Rory says she is now on the top of his "hit list." Maybe Ismira should hum the "Godfather" theme NOW. For her part, Ami is still acting like her sheep don't stink. She is still confident that she can vote off Rory when the time comes. Now, it is Ismira's turn to throw dates at the television screen.
Now, for the first time since the swap, it's time for Lopevi to decide who they will vote off at the next Tribal Council. Heck, Twila and Julie don't even know how to get to Tribal Council from this camp!
Away from camp, but never from the cameramen, Chris and Chad discuss the vote. Chad doesn't trust Julie and thinks she should go before she can re-team with the women. Chris doesn't think Little John can be trusted and thinks he should go instead of Julie because... Well, duh; Julie lays around naked!
Little John is apparently still asleep and dreaming, because he thinks Chris is on his side and is the most trustworthy guy out here. It NOW becomes evident that he has never seen one episode of "Survivor" before. Little John has decided that Chad should be next to go because his prosthetic leg could gain him a sympathy vote, and because... well, it's just too darn creepy when Chad pulls it off and begins pretending it's a flute. He floats this idea out to his "buddy" Chris, who mumbles noncommittally.
Misinterpreting this for an enthusiastic, "Yes! Let's sucker-punch the poor amputee!", he then approaches Twila and Julie, who are involved in this foreign concept known as "helping around camp." He tells them of his plan, and they ask him if Sarge knows. His response is that it doesn't matter, and I am SURE now that he is still dreaming. He thinks Twila is on his side, too, because "rednecks are loyal." Little John has been listening to a little too much Jeff Foxworthy.
Lopevi eventually remembers the way to Tribal Council, and since it's been so long, Probst re-introduces himself. Pleasantries are exchanged. This time around, he is getting soft and is actually easy on them. Perhaps Jeff was having a bad day. Anyway, he asks about the work ethic around camp. Chris says everybody works (winks to Little John) and helps around camp (winks again to Little John.) Probst asks what Twila does, and the men basically say EVERYTHING. He does not bother asking what Julie does; he saw the footage from last week!
Little John has a complaint. Everything is getting done around camp EXCEPT the napping. Everyone is slacking in this area, and the entire burden is left to him. That's just not fair. If Twila is helping everyone else, she should help HIM with his duties around camp. Doggone it, though, he is still the best napper in camp. Probst, making sure he heard right, realizes that Little John is indeed an idiotic Rip Van Winkle.
He asks Chad how to tell if you can trust people. Chad says he uses the Force. He waves his hand and says, "By the way, I get the million dollars..." Chris says he will base his vote on trust, but also because he's "lookin' out for numero uno, baby!" and will do what's best for him. I must give him points for honesty. Chad waves his hand, muttering, "It's time to vote..." and Jeff tells them it's time to vote.
The only vote we are shown is Little John's vote for Chad. Apparently, he is immune to the ways of the Force. This does not bode well. Sure enough, when the votes are read, he has indeed gathered around himself an alliance of one. It is 5-1, Little John is going home. In his closing remarks, he still trusts Chris and Sarge, and hopes they win. Poor guy doesn't realize Chris masterminded his exit when Chad wanted to keep him!! Ah, the irony of it all will keep me going until next week.
Speaking of next week, we see Sarge showing off his tight, military-toned buttocks to Julie, and the other men are understandably revolted. At Yasur, Rory (cut and paste here) is complaining that he can no longer tolerate these lazy American women. I have been saying that all season!! Then, another mix-up of tribes seems to occur. Ismira is chanting "Merge... Merge... Merge..." I will have to find out what this is all about!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
October 22, 2004
Middle East Guide To Survivor:
Episode 6: Liars, Losers, Loyalty, Lust, Lopevi, & Lisa (aka "The Downward Spiral")
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
This fascinating story is hitting its stride! My clan has been watching this American drama-fest called "Survivor: Vanuatu" for five weeks now, and we can't get enough! Each week, we cheer the favorites and boo the villians. The trouble is, none of us agree on which is which! It makes for some very interesting dinner conversations around the tent, but we will continue to bring you our unique insights to this game. We're getting better at it each week!
Ismira is finally getting over the loss of Brady. Buying one of my T-shirts seemed to help. She asked if I sold any pillowcases with the FBI agent's image on it, but I am uncomfortable with the direction that request is heading. For now, she sleeps in the T-shirt and sighs...
She is also back to her online Survivor betting game. She has now wagered all her money that Sarge will make it to at least the Final Four. Cousin Radul laughs and says Sarge will never make the Final Four until he "beats Kentucky." We have no idea what he is talking about. Cousin Hassim has also wagered money on Sarge; that he will eventually snap, pull out a heretofore concealed assault rifle, and gun his tribe down in cold blood. The odds are astronomically high; if this indeed happens, Hassim's small wager will make him the third richest sheik in the Middle East!
Our quest to produce "Survivor: The Sahara" continues. We have received three more applications just this week! I wonder if Mark Burnett gets this much response? One application was from another aspiring actress/bartender (we immediately threw that one away), and the second was from an albino bellydancer. We are not sure she will make it onto our show, but we kept her picture anyway. The third application was from an American, a preacher from Louisiana who promised "to do better this time around; honest!" If these applications keep pouring in, we should have enough contestants in two or three months!
Unfortunately, amidst all this activity, there is bad news. Honest Omar, my biggest competitor, has begun selling "Survivor" merchandise in his shop, just down the street from mine! He has seen my success, and is trying to steal my business.
Most of his items are gag gifts, however. He sells an empty box he calls "Richard Hatch's New Suit", a painted stone he calls the "Rock of Death", and a bottle of suspicious liquid that claims to treat sea urchin stings. Ismira says this treatment also works on scorpion stings; I shall have to inquire about the treatment if ever I am stung.
But I will press on, through all circumstances. Last week, on "Survivor: Vanuatu", the tribes went through an earthquake, and further shaking occured as several tribe members were transfered to the opposing tribe. Bubba made a costly mistake when he forgot which team he was supposed to be whispering to, and Ami "Evil Eyes" Cusak make him pay for it. Rory is now a lone man surrounded by women. While this is actually most men's ultimate fantasy, Rory doesn't seem happy. There's just no pleasing some lazy Americans! According to the previews, I must be ready to cover my eyes at any moment; let's get started!!!
It is nighttime, and Yasur is back at camp after voting off Bob Barker. Apparently, his price just wasn't right. (Yamiin groans) Rory is not feeling good about the vote, and lets the ladies know. He decides he will play it up tomorrow morning with the "angry, upset black man" approach. Ismira says it didn't work for Sean Rector, so why is Rory trying it? I am thinking that, considering how the vote COULD have gone, Rory should be thankful! It now becomes evident that "Yasur" is not only a volcano, but also a verb describing the downward spiral into one.
Finally, it's morning on Day 13. At the victorious Lopevi Camp, Sarge is telling us about how he likes women. That's a good thing to know. He also blurts out that he has been having erotic dreams about them. That is NOT a good thing to know. Julie giggles, but in her mind, she is concocting a vivid scenario involving naked flesh, whipped cream, and not getting voted off the island. Chris has already played out this scenario in his head, and will not fall for it. He would like to eat the whipped cream, though.
The tribe wonders who from "Downward Spiral" was voted off last night. Basically, they think pretty much anyone but Bubba. They have obviously not calculated in the "Ami" factor. She is not falling for Bubba's charms. In the meantime, Twila and Julie are spending quality time together for the first time all game. All in all, a tender moment, bringing tears to Cousin Radul's eyes. They decide their best strategy for staying around is to keep winning challenges. Again, their breakthrough insights into the game show why they were chosen from thousands of applicants.
Over at Yasur, they find Tree Mail (aren't you proud of me? I know what that is, now!) It is a cage with a wooden pig, and a cryptic note about getting muddy. Mark Burnett is again pandering to the American male viewers by having his female contestants slithering around in mud. Both Cousin Radul and Hassim are eagerly awaiting this competition; maybe it's not just AMERICAN men!
Rory decides the time is right to perform his one-man Vaudeville act. He pleads about having no family to go back to, how he is part of their team now, and doesn't like being a "slave" around camp, knowing he's next on the "auction block." Somewhere in Hollywood, the producers of "Roots 3" are booking him for an audition. Rory himself admits that it was the cheesyest thing he's ever said, and for him, that's really saying something. The funny part is, he thinks they may have bought it.
Ismira rolls her eyes at this, saying Ami will not let him stay. On a hunch, I offer to bet her that Rory makes it through this episode. She accepts, and we agree that the loser must treat the winner to dinner at our favorite restaurant in Istanbul. It will be several day's journey, but their lamb is even better that Yamiin's! (Please don't tell her I said that; I will not eat for a week.)
Both teams arrive at the challenge, which is a huge pigpen filled with slimy mud and pigs painted with red and yellow coloring. At their worldwide headquarters, PETA is now preparing a lawsuit. Personally, I must make sure Ismira does not do this to my prized sheep. Lopevi is shocked to see that their beloved Bubba was not so beloved at the opposing camp. They are beginning to discover the "Ami Factor."
The game is simple. Each team member must manhandle two muddy pigs into another fenced area, while the least coordinated member of the tribe opens and shuts a gate. Not suprisingly, Yasur chooses Scout for this task, while Lopevi chooses Julie. The reward will be steaks and eggs for the entire winning tribe. Both tribes go absolutely nuts at the sight of something other than Pringle's and Cousin Radul's beer.
After making sure no one is whispering to the other tribe, Probst shouts "Go!" and PETA begins preparing their lawsuit in earnest. The survivors rush into the pen and commence utter mayhem as country music fills the television speakers. People are grabbing pigs in places pigs were never meant to be grabbed, and unlike Cousin Radul, the pigs do NOT enjoy it. Chad throws his body onto a pig, shouting, "Fire in the hole!" Twila corners a frightened pig, saying, "The chicken got away, but you're MINE!" Gradually, Lopevi pulls ahead of Yasur.
Then it's Eliza's turn to enter the pig pen, and it quickly becomes obvious that this pampered American has never actually TOUCHED mud before. She prances around the pigpen for a while, hollering "Ick!" and "Ewwww!" and "Like, gag me with a spoon!" Finally, she gives up and lets someone else take over. Cousin Hassim throws his bowl of dried dates at the TV screen, shouting that she should be beheaded then and there.
Sarge is the final Lopevi team member to enter the pen. He uses the tried and true approach of "Here, piggy, piggy!" and to my utter amazement, quickly grabs his two pigs and brings them back for a Lopevi win!!! The victors grab their food before the sadistic Probst can exchange it for more Pringle's, and head back to camp.
Over a high-protein dinner that Dr. Atkins would be proud of, they take turns making fun of Eliza. (What a coincidence; we did that in my tent during the commercial break!) They essentially agree with Hassim that she should be maimed in some way, and that voting off Bubba was a dumb thing to do. At the edge of the camp, the sudden infusion of protein has an unusual effect on Sarge, who acts drunk. He says "Dude" and "Dude Man" a lot, and talks about "Raising the Roof." I wasn't aware that Lopevi was having any shelter problems.
Over at Camp Downward Spiral, everyone is mad at Eliza for... well, today, it's for being such a girl in the challenge. Hey ladies, I bet BUBBA would've grabbed a few pigs! I begin thinking about my favorite restaurant as it looks like Eliza's time has finally come. They discuss the recent string of losses and realize that Eliza is really, really, BAD. Eliza realizes it too, and for the first time in this game, is rendered... are you ready... really ready... AT A LOSS FOR WORDS!!!! She finally says she wishes Scout were gone so that SHE could sit out all the challenges instead. Honestly, she said that. Ami tries consoling her, shrewdly realizing that Eliza has now become a scared pawn that will do anything to stay in the game. Ismira begins humming the theme from the "Godfather."
Rory, on the other hand, is as happy as we've ever seen him. Granted, that's not saying much, but still, he's happy. It seems he's been searching for "crack" all over the island. Ismira says he sounds like Charlie from "Lost", whoever that is. He is happy that he has finally found his crack.
Speaking of "crack", it now seems that we are about to be treated to a view of Julie's. She decides to further her position in the game by sunbathing in the nude, showing the men (and Twila) how she got the nickname "Jewels." I cover my eyes as she lies on the beach, but Allah be praised, the HDTV has malfunctioned again and all the naughty bits are rendered unviewable! The men in her tribe aren't as blessed, and must endure fleeting glances at her young, nubile body. Chris dreams of whipped cream, and he isn't even hungry.
Twila, not to be outdone, is using her own brand of charms on the men, and on Sarge in particular. They have become good buddies lately, climbing trees together and talking about monster truck shows and such. Sarge says he would even put a dress on her. That is an interesting statement, since most American men think the reverse about women. He offers Twila a spot in a four-person pact instead of Little John, whom nobody really trusts. She accepts his offer, but privately wonders if he is telling the truth. She also is apparently concerned about sitting too close to the fire, as she is worried about getting smoke blown into unmentionable places.
It's a new day, and time for a new way for Probst to torment the survivors. The teams arrive for the Immunity Challenge to find a series of above-and-under-water torture devices tethered together by a rope. Four of the contestants from each tribe must weave tiki pieces along this rope to the shore or drown in the process. Cousin Hassim likes this challenge, even though it involves no gunfire. Ismira remarks that "Osten" would not like this challenge. I am thinking that Bubba, the weak swimmer, should be glad he was voted out before having to face this perverse aquatic marathon.
Probst says two tribe members don't have to swim, and asks Team Downward Spiral who they will put on the beach (besides Scout, of course. Why did she sign up for this game?) The players take their places and begin the race. Chris quickly pulls ahead of Ami, but then Rory closes the gap against the older, fatter, slower, whiter Sarge. At the midpoint of the race, it's a dead heat.
Leanne jumps into the water against Jewels, but can't seem to make any headway against the churning water. She decides to tread water instead of moving her tiki pieces in order to further tire herself out, and the strategy succeeds brilliantly. She remains in one place while Lopevi's last two members swim through the course. Hassim is sure she has thrown the challenge on purpose, and begins hurling all manner of obscene curses at her family. He has no more dates to throw, so he spits on the television.
By the time we clean Hassim's mess from the HDTV, Yasur is back at camp and Leanne is crying, feeling like a loser. Well, at least she's in the right camp! Eliza tries to comfort her, but can't stop giggling from the fact that someone besides HER messed up his time. I am still confident that I will win my bet, because now the target has moved to Leanne's back. I have a nagging suspicion, though, that Ami may be looking at another scared pawn who will do anything to stay in the game. Ismira is now humming the theme from "The Godfather, Part 2."
Then something interesting, confusing, and unforseen occurs. My clan will be debating this for days. As the women prepare to collect food from the jungle, Lisa apparently says something that sends Ami over the edge. Since Mia is no longer around to do her erupting volcano impersonation, Ami takes over. She goes off on how she doesn't trust Lisa, will vote against Lisa, and is jealous that Lisa's chest is bigger than hers. Scout has decided that the tribe should vote off Eliza (which MY tribe agrees with) but Ami will not hear of it. Ami says, in front of Lisa, that she will vote her off. Scout tries to bring the women to an agreement, but Ami continues to act like a... what's the word? Oh, well. Cousin Hassim is shouting several suggestions, but I cannot repeat them here.
Rory is singing the McDonald's "I'm Lovin' It" theme as he does the "Rocky" jog along the beach. He has been approached by Ami who has told him of her plan, and that he's safe. I begin taunting Ismira by telling her what I want to eat at the restaurant. She nods to Hassim, and he smacks me in the head. I will stop the taunting now. Anyway, Rory does not care who he votes for, as long as it isn't him. He really wants Eliza gone, but will vote with Ami. The theme from "The Godfather, Part 3" resonates through my tent...
Team Downward Spiral makes their way to Tribal Council, where Probst really enjoys his job. He wastes no time reminding them of exactly how many challenges they've won since the swap. That would be, let's see... ZERO. He puts it bluntly, "You're in trouble. Leanne, you especially. You stink. You should all quit now. I will kick you all out and keep Rory."
To further understand the depths of their losing strategy, he asks them which is more important, strength or loyalty. The concensus among the women is "Loyalty." That explains why they'll all soon be at "Loser Lodge" TOGETHER, loyal to the end. Loyalty is an admirable thing, but loyalty without strength is folly. I read that in a fortune cookie once. Realizing that there's no hope for this team, Probst sends them to vote and get it over with.
I am thinking now that maybe Rory is gone after all, with the women putting aside their differences for the loyalty of the losing sisterhood. Sure enough, we see two votes for Rory. However, when the votes are read, those are the only two votes he gets! Ami and her pawns Eliza, Leanne, and Rory have all voted out Lisa. We are still not sure why Ami has such a grudge against Lisa. So much for loyalty over strength; the liars! Lisa heads down the Path of Death after reminding them that she was true to her word. Of course, she voted for Rory; so much for keeping strength, too!
Oh well; my family has a lot of debating to do. Next week at Lopevi, we see Twila and Julie conspiring against their male tribemates. I think my beloved Twila is playing both sides of the fence; the last time I straddled a fence, I injured myself in a delicate spot! And at Camp "Desperately Trying To Stop The Downward Spiral," Rory tries to solidify his position with the women by... you guessed it, more complaining!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
October 15, 2004
Middle East Guide To Survivor:
Episode 5: "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
This last week has been a nightmare! Living with Ismira has been impossible since Brady was voted off last week. Despite this inconvenience, my village is still enjoying this guilty Western pleasure known as "Survivor: Vanuatu." Have no fear; I, Honest Achmed, Professional Procurer of Paraphernalia, am here to offer my increasingly wise interpretation and counsel to this week's episode.
Allah has not blessed my life this week. Ismira has gone into extreme mourning, wearing nothing but black here in the scorching desert heat. She wanders across the sand dunes aimlessly, claiming to have seen visions of the FBI agent walking amongst the palm trees. At my request, she has visited a holy cleric to work through her depression, but this has not helped. Yesterday, she spent the day crying while burying small, dead animals in the sand doing something she calls "Granny Jan" therapy. It does not help that Cousin Hassim has hung a burnt effigy of Brady outside the entrance to her tent. Ismira has also lost all the money she had wagered online, and is trying to figure out who to bet on next.
Brady's untimely departure has also hurt me financially. The tents of twenty-seven local harems have cancelled their pay-per-view subscriptions to Survivor since the hunky American will no longer be seen each week. This has cut greatly into my profits. Luckily, I have introduced the "Brady Lives" line of merchandise in my shop, and it is selling extremely well among the ladies. Ismira keeps mumbling something about "Return of the Outcasts", and it seems to give her some hope. I think that is the title of the next "Star Wars" movie.
Cousin Radul, meanwhile, has put together a new calendar for my shop featuring such past survivors as Richard Hatch, Brandon Quinton, and John Carroll. It has not sold, and many of the tribal elders are eyeing my shop quite suspiciously. I must ask Radul to remove them before we get into any trouble.
This week, Cousin Hassim and I are proceeding with our plans for "Survivor: The Sahara." Cousin Hassim's idea is to introduce the contestants to the desert by dragging them through the sand on a rope attached to the bumper of a Humvee. He has been watching too many reruns of "Rat Patrol" on the HDTV. We have, however, put the word out about our endeavor, and have been receiving applications from all over the Sinai Peninsula. Five, so far!! One from a one-armed camel trader, two from out-of-work fig farmers, and three from aspiring actresses. What is it with these actresses? We are hoping for a few more questionnaires to come in, because right now the camel trader is our only qualified applicant.
Last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu", Brady was sent home (oh, now stop it, Ismira!) as his teammates all conspired against him. The men continued their humiliating tradition of losing to the women, and Probst is getting tired of it. The elder men continue to dominate the strategy, if not the challenges. On the female side of things, Lisa has hopped bedmates faster than Bill Clinton, and the fallout from that is still happening. According to the previews, there's a "whole lot of shakin' goin' on." Maybe something will happen to boost Ismira's foul mood; let's get started!
It's morning at Lopevi, Day 12. After voting Brady off the night before, the men's attention turns to more important matters, such as who gets to sleep by the warm side of the fire. Chad complains all he gets is the smokey side, and the release he signed with CBS doesn't cover death by smoke inhalation or lung cancer. The men decide to play "Roll Over, Roll Over" until one falls out. Bubba says he's getting tired of living with these men. Cousin Hassim suggests the solution of "voting his sorry butt off the island."
To break the tedium, a Vanuatu canoe appears on the horizon. To the men's surprise, it is not Jeff Probst coming to taunt them further. Instead, he has sent a local native who is a dead ringer for "Mr. T", with feathers. To Ismira's dismay, it is not Dah. The man babbles on and on in his native tongue, asking for the chief, the chief. I am thinking the chief is still back at the village from Episode 1, wondering how the heck Brady climbed that pole, anyway.
Eventually, the men realize that Mr. T is asking them to SELECT a chief for their tribe. Thinking that this leader will be taken away and subjected to cruel and unspeakable punishments, they quickly thrust Sarge forward. Fearing the inevitable, Sarge begins to strip naked when the native places a medallion around his neck and gives him an ornate stick with which to beat his fellow men into submission. The canoe takes off again, leaving the men staring dumbfounded on the beach.
Cousin Radul, with his impeccable eye for fashion, notices that Sarge was wearing the medallion in the scene PRIOR to receiving it from the native. Aha, Evil Mark Burnett! We have found you out!! You are fooling the rest of the world with your vicious, capitalist editing tricks!! You Westerners... Okay, time to stop ranting. Mr. T has arrived at the next stop on his tour, the Yasur camp.
The women, being the holistic thinkers that they are, more quickly comprehend what the overdressed Vanuatu warrior is trying to tell them. Since this is not a challenge that seems to require any real SKILL, they choose Scout again. She receives her medallion and her stick. Mr. T takes his leave, amid cries of "Thanks!", "Have a nice day!" and Lisa hollering, "How's ya mama 'n them?"
After the mysterious visitor leaves, both tribes face an unusual twist as Jeff Probst orders an earthquake to shake things up around camp. The Americans, unaccustomed to such things as desert sinkholes, sandstorms, locust swarms, and Beruit city potholes, are frightened and shocked at the ground rumbling beneath their feet. A few, including my beloved Twila, seem to enjoy the unexpected ride.
As the two teams stumble their way to the next Reward challenge, Probst has more devious mayhem in store for them. The two people with the sticks get to re-divide the teams! Cousim Hassim is furious at this turn of events. He has wanted the men to completely obliterate the women (except for Brady, of course) and is so angry he storms outside the tent. After shooting three of Honest Omar's camels, he feels somewhat better and returns to watch the show.
He has missed a thrilling game of rock-paper-scissors, and watching Scout divide the teams according to astrological sign and general psychic aura. On one side there is Chad, Julie, Chris, Twila, and Little John. On the other side is Bubba, Rory, Eliza, Leanne, and Ami. Lisa is left alone, forgotten and thinking she is going home. Sarge wisely chooses the team that already has a majority of men, further adding to the testosterone count, while Scout will go with Ami's team. See, Radul, there is still a chance!! Jeff mercifully lets Lisa remain in the game, and she wisely chooses the team with most of her former tribemates on it. The two teams essentially remain the same, with Bubba and Rory switching with Twila and Julie.
Onto the challenge. The winning team will receive a trip to a waterfall, a can of potato chips, and a bottle of beer. To prove just what a cruel son-of-a-djinn he is, Probst gives each team ONE chip to split among them. After this macabre fast-food communion, it's time to compete.
This challenge is one we cannot copy on "Survivor: The Sahara." The teams must dive underwater to retreive markers attached to a rope. The teams dive into the water and stay relatively close until Chris decides he will botch ANOTHER challenge and drops his marker into the abyss at the ocean floor. Rory, however, is diving and swimming for all he's worth. I am impressed with his ability, but Ismira remarks, "He's no Osten." This Osten must be an incredible water challenge threat!
Bubba, the non-swimmer, is sitting out this challenge, and Lisa is never seen getting into the water. She is afraid her "personal flotation devices" might hamper her ability to stay underwater. The game continues as Lopevi slowly pulls ahead. Chris redeems himself by grabbing several markers, and finally comes up with the winning piece!
Lopevi heads to the waterfall and their picnic. Sarge, in an obvious attempt to get a promotional gig with Pringle's after "Survivor" is over, raves on and on about how good the potato chips are. Nobody mentions the beer. It looks like the kind Radul makes from vinegar and goat manure. No wonder they didn't comment.
Twila, more animated than we've seen her recently, is enjoying herself immensely. She is getting buddy-buddy with Sarge, who has given her the chief necklace. She likes Chris, who has a job like hers fixing potholes. Maybe they could both come to Beruit when this is all over! The entire co-ed Lopevi tribe takes a group shower under the waterfall. Radul begins singing "A Hundred Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" until Cousin Hassim grazes his left ear with a bullet.
At the Yasur camp, Rory and Bubba realize they are in the minority in their new tribe. Rory also realizes he's black, which doubles his minority status. If he is voted off, he vows to call Johnny Cochran. To impress the women, they lift logs and do other obvious manly stuff. The women feed them, but then the men get back to work. The women seem to be enjoying the men, except for Ami. Privately, she says she'll stick with girls. Ismira says the obvious irony of this statement is lost on me. Ami and Lisa have a brief debate over showing the men "their cocunuts." Cousin Radul is giggling uncontrollably. THIS joke, I understand.
Bubba says that he is nervous being around all these women. Apparently, as a child, he was traumatized by the ocean AND his sister. He says that all it will take is one wrong move and the women will vote him out. Ismira's expression changes, and she begins whispering, "Foreshadowing... Foreshadowing..." I think she's beginning to come around!
It's time for the next challenge; this one for the Immunity tiki stick thing. Various parts of an outrigger canoe are hidden in the forest. The teams must find them, untie them, and bring them onto the beach to assemble them. Then, they are to paddle out, retreive a flag, and head back to shore.
Bubba is not listening to the instructions. He is trying to signal and whisper to his friend Chris. The only problem is that Chris is on the OTHER team. Does anybody else but me see this as the potential "one wrong move" he was talking about only minutes earlier? Ismira's intuition is never wrong! Ami watches with disgust as he tries to communicate, and I can imagine the little cartoon daggers flaring from her eye sockets.
But wait; Probst has already shouted, "GO!!" The teams rush into the trees to find their canoe pieces. The teams collect the outrigger frameworks and paddles very close to each other, but when they head in to collect their last piece, Rory's world falls apart. His fat fingers can't seem to untie the 143 knots that hold the rope in place. Little John's slender girly fingers, however, fly through the knots and his team is off and running. Probst continues to make fun of Rory as he tries using his teeth to bite through the knots. Ismira is shaking her head, mumbling, "Poor Ethan."
Lopevi builds their canoe ages ahead of Yasur, but Little John and Chad can't seem to steer it once they get to the water. That's okay; Yasur can't get theirs INTO the water right, as they take out a sign or two in the process. For the next several minutes, both boats wander around the lagoon like Israel in the desert.
Eventually, Lopevi stumbles upon their flag and despite Little John's best efforts to throw the challenge, make it back to the beach ahead of Yasur. Lopevi celebrates their victory as Sarge begins chanting something in the Vanuatu language he obviously picked up from Mr. T. Probst gleefully insults Rory's Boy Scout Skills and Ami and Bubba's navigation skills as he reminds them that they're heading to Tribal Council.
Upon returning home, Ami immediately confronts Bubba about his behavior at the challenge. Not the terrible paddling part, but the signals to Chris. Bubba privately admits that what he did was a risk, and he might have been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Ismira responds with a "Duh!!!" Ami then proceeds to tell all the other women about his transgression. And Bill O'Reilly thinks HE made a mistake!!
The women discuss the wisdom of voting off another man with more physical challenges ahead. Eliza suggests voting Ami instead, but they eventually decide Ami is actually more of a man than Bubba. As the tribe prepares for Tribal Council, Rory and Bubba pray together. It sounds like they are thanking their God for their time on the island, but what they are actually thinking is, "Please, Lord, let it be him, not me!" They pat each other on the back, secretly searching for a soft spot in which to plunge the knife later.
Upon their arrival at Tribal Council, Probst asks them the obvious questions about men versus women, tribe unity, when is Rory finally going home, etc. The women respond with a variety of answers, with Ami tattling again about Bubba and Chris. Bubba admits his mistake as Rory smiles. In his mind,