January 05, 2006
Honest Achmed Has A New Site!!!
Honest Achmed and his dysfunctional Arabian family are back for "Survivor: Panama, Exile Island!! To find out more and to see this upcoming season's recaps and commentary, log on to www.honestachmed.com
Hope to see you soon!
May 17, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Finale: "Let's Blow This Thing And Go Home!"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Is it finale time already? All the weeks of watching, and now it comes down to this? How will we amuse ourselves without whiny, pampered Americans to make fun of? We will finally have to go back to our sheep-tending, camel-trading, and marketplace drudgery! Cousin Radul will have to keep us entertained with his one-man version of "Forever, Patsy Cline!" For now, however, be of good cheer. Honest Achmed and clan are here to close out another exciting season of "Survivor!"
We have finally caught up to date from the mishap wrought from Honest Omar. Ismira managed to locate all the "Survivor" episodes we missed while our antenna was not working. Using her internet prowess, Ismira soon provided us with freshly-burned DVDs of each episode and we had an all-night marathon with lots of Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew. It was certainly enlightening.
We watched Janu quit, after a seventeen-hour Tribal Council. We cried as Stephenie was voted out. And everyone except Ismira laughed as Gregg was blindsided. We booed as Katie tried to backstab her friends, and we cheered as Tom and Ian turned the tables on her. Food and Arabic curses were flying across our tent all night. Now we feel whole again!
To make up for lost revenue from "Honest Achmed's Pay-per-view," I had a brilliant idea. After we watched the DVDs, I took them to the village square and began to auction them publicly. A crowd of hundreds quickly gathered around my camel, and the bidding war commenced. Within minutes, townspeople desperate for the lost episodes had raised the selling price far beyond my wildest expectations. When all was said and done, our favorite female shiek had bid over one hundred thousand denarii for the DVDs!! I am now the second most wealthy businessman in our village!!
Moving right along as I count my new profits, it is time for our family's final awards of the season. Ismira's Strategic Award goes to Jennifer this week, for simply keeping her mouth shut at Tribal Council. With all the alliances floating around last week, she was not in any of them. Still, she managed to keep quiet while Caryn self-destructed.
Radul's "Diva of the Week" must go to Katie, because of her tremendous performance as "the woman scorned." She batted her eyes and boo-hooed to the point where she had Ian prostrate on the beach, begging for forgiveness. In doing so, she made everyone forget how SHE wanted to betray the alliance a few days before. Diva, diva, diva!!!!
My "Dumbest American Move" this week, obviously, goes to Caryn. Being the lone vote in a group of five should be a very strategic place to be in, but Caryn couldn't pretend to commit to either side. A note to Caryn; next time, LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH! On top of that, her explosion at Tribal Council all but assured her ouster.
Cousin Hassim's "Cruellest Son-of-a-djinn" award goes to Tom, for his overbearing threatening of Katie to guarantee her vote. Granted, by Hassim's standards, it was pretty lame, but it was a change of pace for Dudley Do-right the fireman!
As this final episode approaches, my family members have placed their bets on who will be the Sole Survivor. We have all placed a week's wages in a basket, and the winner will take all! I only realized later how unfair this was; while I am making a fortune, Cousin Radul works for 2 denarii and a box of Twinkies a week! Even Azidi earns more than he does!! Hassim threw in a box of fresh mortar shells, just for good measure.
I have chosen Tom as the winner, for I believe the jurors will respect his solid game play. Ismira and Azidi like Ian, because he is the only man left close to their age. This is not Ismira's usual strategy for selecting a winner, but her laptop has been busy downloading episodes and she cannot run her usual calculations.
Cousin Radul wants Katie to win it all, because she is the only true drama queen left in the game. He can't wait to see her cry and roll around on the floor if she wins the million dollars. Hassim, on the other hand, firmly believes there will be one final twist, and that Wanda will return, singing incessantly until they give her the money just to shut her up. I think we can safely rule THAT out.
And here we go!! Who will come this far, only to have their dreams shattered? Who will leave the game bitter and broken? Will Ian ever bathe again? An immense forture (and a box of mortar shells) sits in the center of our tent, ready to be claimed; let's get started!!!
The beginning of the end begins on Day 37. No more nightvision!! Well, for a few minutes, anyway. The Final Four are waking up to a new day, wondering who will eventually be crowned Lord of the Rats. Katie is glad Caryn erupted like a volcano last night, because it shows everyone that Ian betrayed her. WARNING: Denial meter overload!! Does Katie not think that this is exactly what she was going to do to Tom and Ian? I'll bet she thinks she got this far in the game on her survival skills, too.
Ian knows he took some hits last night at Tribal Council, but is okay with it. Now that he looks like a semi-bad guy, Tom is now the target. Ian feels good! Yes, loyal fans, denial is running rampant at the Koror Camp.
But enough psychoalanyzation; Tom and Ian are cooking clams for breakfast! As they stir the chowder, they hear a bloodcurdling scream from the forest. Hoping that something terrible has befallen the females and they can avoid the last two Tribal Councils, the men rush into the jungle. To their dismay, the women are alive and crying over an ice chest of breakfast food and booze. Like true survivors, these folks immediately pop open the booze and begin guzzling. They celebrate by screaming, hugging, and doing the "cabbage patch" all the way back to camp.
After a decadent breakfast courtesy of CBS, Tom goes into the jungle to purge. Ian, trying to impress the ladies, lounges in the hammock and brags about how Tom "is the homey goin' DOWN!" while making appropriate rap gestures. If Ian wins immunity, Tom is history. The women bow down and begin chanting "We're not worthy... We're not worthy!" Privately, Ian tells us that if TOM wins immunity, he will continue the tribal tradition of buttocks-smooching. A wise move, but I am thinking if Tom gets wind of this, he will lift Ian by the throat, say "You disappoint me," and leave him in a dead, crumpled heap on the ground.
Before Ian can do anything else stupid, we arrive at today's Immunity challenge. Waiting for them is another BRAND! NEW!! CAR!!! But wait, this time Probst is just taunting them. They get to smell the car, but that's all. This car will go to the winner of the entire game. Oh, and by the way, you can't have the million-dollar check that's in the glove compartment, either. Katie tries to slip it into her pocket anyway, figuring she can forge Les Moonves' signature when she gets home.
Today's challenge is an exercise in confusion. Ready? You will be tied to a rope. The ropes are tangled with each other. They go through tires. YOU will go through tires. Get the key rings you find. Wind your way to this mysterious tower that suddenly appeared in the Palauan jungle and unlock three locks. Climb up to find more ropes. These ropes have been tied by a Japanese bondage master. Untie them without hanging yourself. Climb up to find a huge Palauan fishhook. Swing it at your opponent. No, wait, sorry; use it to snag 4 ladder rungs on the ground. We forgot to tell you about those, and you passed them by. Build a ladder to the next level, even though Ian could scale it in one step. The first two players to raise a surrender flag on the top level move on to the second round. Confused? So are we. GO!!!
Everyone takes off. Everyone, that is, except Katie, who can't fit through the first tire. Too much clam chowder! Tom, Ian, and Jenn snake their way through the tires and ropes, quickly gathering the rusted key rings. Tetanus alert! As always, Tom pulls out to a slight lead. As always, Katie is so far back that Probst has forgotten about her.
Tom is through the ropes. Ian is through the ropes. Jen is through the ropes. Katie is through the first tire! Tom unlocks the three bars and continues. Ian and Jenn soon finish the bars. Katie wishes she was drinking at a bar. Tom is working through the knots. Ian is working through the knots. Katie is working through self-esteem issues. Tom, Ian, and Jenn are up to the grappling hooks. Katie has stopped at IHOP for the "Palau Pile O' Pancakes." Tom and Ian quickly retreive the ladder rungs using the hooks, while Jennifer realizes this is WAY too much like fishing and simply stares at the hook in her hand. Sure enough, that strategy doesn't work HERE, either, and she is out of the game. Tom and Ian race to the top of the tower and advance to the next round!
The next round involves sliding down a rope all the way back to where Katie is, and getting a bag of numbered tiles. Put the numbers in correct order, and it opens a combination lock and gets you a flag. Hoist the flag, and you're in the Final Three! That is, unless you do something stupid like giving your Immunity away at Tribal Council.
GO!! Ian and Tom slide down the ropes and grab the bags at the same time. They both dump their bags and begin working. Tom's numbers are 1, 45, and 13, and he starts arranging. Ian looks at his numbers: 4, 5, 15, 16, 23, and 42. He panics and realizes that he is a cursed man. Tom figures out his combination, gets the flag, and this challenge is over!! Probst hands the necklace back to Tom, turns to the others, and begins singing "Hit The Road, Jack."
At camp later that day, Tom is preparing Jennifer for slaughter. He tells her it's nothing personal, he just made a promise to Ian and Katie. Oh yeah, and to Gregg too, but we'll just forget about that one, okay? Ian opens his mouth and prepares his foot as he says he doesn't know what he would have done in Tom's position. Tom finds this an odd comment; after all, everyone is supposed to abide by their agreements until Tom votes them off, right?
Jenn jumps at the opportunity to point a finger at someone other than herself. She tells Tom that Ian planned on voting him out. The truth; what an interesting strategy! Unfortunately, it's a strategy that rarely works on "Survivor." Tom is infuriated by this revelation, and immediately confronts Ian. Ian s-s-stutters ag-ag-ag-ag-again, f-f-f-f-fi-fi-fi-fin-n-nally admitting that he did indeed say that to Katie and Jenn. So either he lied to Katie or he lied to Tom; either way, it's bad news. Azidi says, "Dolphin-boy is SO screwed." Azidi, watch your language!!! However, I believe she is exactly right.
Late into the night, they finally arrive at Tribal Council. Probst wonders what happened. Katie says it took three hours to pry Tom's fingers from around Ian's throat. Tom relates how Ian tried to betray him before he got a chance to betray Ian. Ian tries to defend himself, but nobody can understand him through the stuttering. As Ian drops to his knees and begins begging for mercy, Jenn is happy with the turn of events.
Katie, however, is unhappy that Ian's antics are pulling the attention away from HER. Diva till the end! She taunts Ian that she will vote against him, and then it's time to vote. Bye-bye, dolphin-boy!! Ismira and Azidi are about to lose their chance at our basket of money! I am home free!
The votes are read, and to my surprise, it's a 2-2 tie between Ian and Jenn! Tom voted for Ian, but Katie didn't! Probst says, "try again, morons,' and they give it another shot. Still 2-2. Isn't it late enough already? Thinking quickly, Probst orders Ian and Jennifer over to the fire barrels left over from Stephenie and Bobby Jon. The first person to light a fire and burn through a string can stay and starve with rats. The loser gets a warm bed, gourmet meal, and a hot shower. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. I am upset at this challenge, though; Jennifer can start a fire with about as much skill as Ismira!
Sure enough, Ian quickly builds a fire and his piece of twine is history. So is Jennifer. Probst snuffs her torch, and the pert little blonde heads down the path toward an ice cream sundae. Probst sends the others back to kiss and make up. I am not sure that is going to happen.
Once again, I am correct. Back at Camp Ratopia, Katie and Tom continue to browbeat Ian until he is a blubbering mass laying by the campfire. Katie does a fantastic job of "shifting the blame" by lambasting Ian for his conspiracy against Tom when SHE was a part of it, too! They try well into the wee hours of the morning to make Ian confess to his crime. Tom requests that they turn the cameras off like they did for Janu so he can beat a confession out of Ian, but the CBS producers won't allow it. Grumping, Tom goes to bed.
It's daylight again, and Ian is still sitting crying by the fire. Katie tries to console him by saying that even you're a rotten, stinking, filthy, cheating, no-good, backstabbing 9-foot-tall liar, would you please still take me to the Final Two with you? It doesn't cheer Ian up, so he leaves to get treemail. Along the way, he cries some more about how he didn't want to be the bad guy. Note to Ian: In "Survivor," EVERYONE is a bad guy! Pardon me, but his whiny Americanness is showing through.
The treemail says to paddle out to a secret island and collect the burnt-out torches of all the Survivors that have been eliminated. The CBS producers have hidden them under a rock arch out of view of the spyplanes of Dan Bollinger so he couldn't zoom in on the nameplates and figure out who was eliminated and then tell mersaydeez. At least that's what Ismira says. Anyway, they are to grab the torches and throw them into the lagoon, saying something not-too-catty about each contestant while further polluting Palau's marine ecosystem.
The three last castaways eventually find the torches, but realize that they have no idea who most of these people were. As they throw the torches overboard, they do the best they can. They remember "The Really Scary Black Chick, the Girl With The Huge Boobs, Coconut Boy, Tall Lazy Blonde Chick, Disgruntled Postal Worker, Tatooed Freak Lady, The Redneck, Token Black Muslim Guy, Mr. Snotrockets, The Gay Hairdresser, The Stripper That Quit, She-Who-Cried-To-Stay-In-The-Game, That Guy We Backstabbed And Blindsided, The Blabbermouth Lawyer, and That Guy We Backstabbed And Blindsided's Girlfriend."
One ridding the canoe of all the excess ballast, the trio finally discover Probst floating on a dock in the middle of the lagoon. Nearby are three floating buoys. Probst welcomes them and explains the challenge. "Stand on the buoys." And you thought it was going to be complicated, didn't you? They begin!! The next 12 hours are the longest in Survivor History.
To make the challenge marginally more interesting, Probst first orders up some wind to knock the Survivors off their perches. That doesn't work. Next, he tries rain. Still nothing. The Survivors have gone into a trance-like state. Jeff asks if any of them are ready to come down. Collectively, they say "Bite Me!" After 4 hours, they are still hanging on. Probst orders a bottle of champagne and settles in for a long night.
At 5 hours, Katie decides she has had enough. Once she is certain that Probst isn't going to offer anyone beer, pizza, or drugs, she leaps off her buoy and climbs up onto the dock. It's down to Ian and Tom, who are fast asleep. 7 hours go by, then 8. This is already the longest challenge in Survivor history. Tom wakes up and offers Ian a deal. If Ian jumps, Tom will take him to the Final Two. If he DOESN'T jump, Tom will hold Ian's head underwater until he drowns. Ian refuses the deal, thankful that Tom cannot reach him at the moment.
At almost the twelve hour mark, Ian has formulated a brilliant plan that will solve everyone's problems. If Probst will give him a pistol, he will commit suicide. Tom approves of this idea, but I think Ian was just kidding. His REAL idea is even more hare-brained. Despite the fact that he has been hanging onto this pole for half a day, he will jump off if Tom promises NOT to take him to the Final Two. Yeah, that's WAY better than Tom's idea!
Tom is no fool. He quickly agrees to the idea before Ian becomes sober again, and Ian swan-dives into the water. Tom is the winner!! Climbing onto the dock, Tom decides to eliminate Ian right then and there, with no Tribal Council. Probst agrees to dispose of Ian's body, while Tom and Katie head back to camp.
Tom and Katie decide to sleep in late, because the only thing on the agenda before Tribal Council is the ceremonial torching of the camp. Both players are worried that the jury members might not like them. For Tom, it's just paranioa. For Katie, reality is beginning to set in. She plans on telling the Jury how hard she worked, how evil Tom really was, and how she deserves to win. Okay, maybe reality isn't quite setting back in yet.
Katie and Tom secretely decide to steal several items from camp before the CBS vultures confiscate everything for sale on e-bay. They each pack up a basket of souvenirs, then burn the picnic table. Torching the entire shelter would certainly bring the Palauan EPA down on them, and besides, they can leave it in place for "All-Stars 2." The Survivors take a moment to reminisce about all the fish, the clams, and Mary Ann's coconut cream pie. Then, it's into the canoe and off to the final Tribal Council.
A
t Tribal Council, Probst explains the rules. First, each player has a chance to grovel and beg for the jury's vote. Then, they will have to endure endless verbal abuse by 7 people who couldn't play the game well enough to be in the Final Two. Once the jury has finished embarrassing themselves, it's time to grovel and beg for their vote one last time.
Tom begins by saying that he played hard. If he hurt anybody, it was really Ian's fault for lying to him. The jury seems to buy it. Katie makes her case that she hid behind Tom the entire game. I'm sorry; I thought she was supposed to be CONVINCING the jury! After this nonsense, it's time for the jury's questions, comments, and rants. It goes something like this...
Coby: Tom, you're a better liar than me. Katie, you're worthless. Katie and Tom both make faces at Coby.
Gregg: Tom, you broke our alliance! Katie, you're worthless. Tom: I broke our alliance because Ian lied. Katie: But I rode Tom's coattails, that should count for something!
Stephenie: Tom, why didn't you take ME to the Final Two? Oh, and Katie... you're worthless. Tom: I kept you until Ian lied to me. Katie: Can't anybody say anything nice about me?
Janu: Tom, did you compromise your integrity? Katie, describe yourself without using the word "worthless." Tom: My integrity is fine; Ian lied. Katie is sobbing.
Caryn: Tom, what was I to you? Katie, why should I vote for you, other than the fact that you're worthless? Tom: You were a pawn to do my bidding. Bwahahahaha! But Ian lied. Katie: Can I just leave now?
Jenn: Tom, you're a male chauvinistic pig. Katie, what was I going to say? Oh, yes... you're worthless. Tom: Thanks for the compliment. But at least I'm not a liar like Ian.
Ian: Tom & Katie, why should I NOT vote for you? Katie: Ooh, ooh, I know this one! Because I'm worthless! Tom: Because my best friend out here was a liar.
Before this can go on all night, it's time for closing remarks. Tom thanks the jury members for their time, and says that he was just being himself, and not a liar like Ian. Katie simply moons the jury box. And with that image forever burned into our retinas, it's time to vote. We see Coby voting for Katie and saying something very catty. Sorry, Coby, no "Diva" award next week! All the other votes are hidden from our view. I tell my family that they are all for Tom as I begin to reach for the money basket in the center of the tent. Ismira swats my hand away.
Probst gets the votes, but there is no tallying to be done tonight. Cruel son-of-a-djinn that he is, Probst is going to make them wait three months for the results. Now, go take showers!!! Our beloved host takes the voting box and heads into the jungle...
Only to emerge just next door at David Letterman's theater! Had the contestants known it was so close by, they could have listened to Dave's monologues every night instead of James' snoring!! Probst greets the Survivors, who all look fed and well-rested after receiving conjugal visits from their loved ones. He begins to read the votes. TOM. Much cheering. KATIE. A little cheering. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. Tom wins!!!!!!
As Tom rushes off the stage to hug his wife and kids, another wonderful season draws to a close. It has been an honor once again to be with you this season, and thank all of you for inviting my dysfunctional family into your computer each week. We look forward to "Survivor: Guatemala" this fall. Wait a minute... Probst has just announced that CBS is accepting more applications for upcoming Survivors. Ismira, get the video camera! We have work to do!! See you in Guatemala!!!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
May 12, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 13: "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Dumped For A Firefighter"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Curse you, Honest Omar!! May your lineage be striken with large noses, acute acne, and varicose veins!! I must apologize for being out of contact these past few weeks, but it is not of my own doing. Things in my village have been in turmoil since the latest antics of my fiercest business competitor, Honest Omar. Heavy sigh... Where do I even begin?
It all began when Honest Omar decided he wanted some of my incredible profits from "Honest Achmed's Pay-Per-View" of Survivor. Too miserly to obtain his own satellite dish, Omar decided to illegally tap off of mine and begin supplying viewers with "Survivor" for a lower price! Late one night, he snuck to my antenna and began working on it with a pair of pliers and a ginsu knife. I am betting you can guess what happened next...
The satellite dish shorted out, smoke began billowing up like an oil well on fire, and our link with the outside world disappeared! No television, no Internet connection, no telephone, but most of all, no "Survivor!" My village immediately went into a panic. Riots in the streets, looting (not MY shop, thankfully), and camel dung in the streets! When word got out, Honest Omar was a wanted man. The last I heard, he went into hiding somewhere in the mountains of Pakistan.
Ismira went into information withdrawal, retiring into her tent and curling up into a fetal position. Her laptop went completely unused for days. Cousin Hassim went into a furious rage, and filled his car with explosives. He drove it to Honest Omar's shop, intent on causing serious mayhem. Fortunately, his car was a 1968 Buick, and it was built so well that the explosives barely put a dent in the upholstery. No harm, no foul.
Cousin Radul, on the other hand, took the loss the hardest. He went into crying hysterics for days, and we finally had to send him away to a day spa on Cyprus. Upon his return, he was doing much better. Radul claims that while at the spa, he slept with Paula Abdul, but we are skeptical. Regardless, he is feeling better and has a nice, even tan.
All seemed lost, including my pay-per-view fortune, until we received a visit from the folks at "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." Having somehow heard of our predicament, they decided it was a good enough sob story to warrant their participation. For two days, Ty Pennington and his crew descended upon our village, not only fixing our huge satellite dish, but painting it light blue with a nice faux-crackle finish. We also now have a sun deck and three-camel garage! It would have been a perfect visit, but then Ty Pennington had to take his shirt off. Now, Ismira is in love!!!
Our connection with the world restored, the last two days have been spent catching up. Ismira hit the Internet, wailing and lamenting at the lost Survivors. First Janu, then Stephenie, and finally her boy-toy Gregg!! She began crying in earnest over the latest loss until she remembered Ty and his "delicious abs." And to make matters even worse, she says, someone named "Boone" died as well! I do not remember which tribe he was on.
Ismira says she can get our missing "Survivor" episodes from the Internet, and has spent all yesterday mumbling about bitrates and something she calls "torrents." I am not sure; the last "torrent" I saw washed through our village, killed three bedouin, and polluted the main water well. Anyway, I wish her luck.
My daughter Azidi now has a clever plan. She is considering making wagers on the episodes with all her classmates. AFTER she has watched the downloaded episodes, of course. Once we show the lost episodes on pay-per-view, she will win all the bets. I told her that was sneaky, dishonest, and that she was taking unfair advantage of those children she calls friends. I am so proud of her! You see, "Survivor" can be a good influence!
And so it is that that my clan is back in business, ready to bring ourselves up to date with this guilty pleasure known as "Survivor: Palau." We have a long-overdue buffet to end all buffets, and Hassim has burned three more effigies just this morning. What twists and turn await us as this season draws to a close? Will Tom and Ian continue to dominate? Will they ever get that darn hatch open? Cousin Radul is showing off the hickey he got from Paula Abdul; let's get started!!
My family has never been so happy to see the off-color bluish-grey sight of rats gnawing on coconuts as we are today. We cheer for joy as we are greeted by the sight of the rodent-fest that is the Koror camp. Our favorite anti-heroes are trudging back to camp after voting off Gregg. (Now stop crying, Ismira. Remember Ty.) Even more upset than Ismira is poor, clueless Jennifer, who cannot fathom the fact that anyone would consider Gregg a threat. She is shocked, bewildered, mentally at a loss, and totally confused. And now that Gregg is gone, she's even more so. To her credit, she manages to hide her emotions under her well-practiced mask of cheery cluelessness.
While Ian is relieved that they pulled a fast one over on Gregg, he mistakes Jenn's clueless demeanor for a strategic poker face. He is sure that Jennifer has something "up her sleeve." Personally, I do not think she has any room up the sleeves of that bikini top she is wearing; it barely holds the essentials!! Ian is worried about the possibility of a female alliance outnumbering him and Tom. I want to shout at the HDTV that they never should have gotten rid of Stephenie, who would have been loyal! Ian says that if they can make it through the next 24 hours, they will be safe. The PMS always passes.
The day starts out early with Tom and Caryn sitting on the beach NOT TALKING STRATEGY. Did you believe that? I don't think the rest of the tribe does, either. Tom is telling Caryn that Katie is out of the Final 3 agreement, and Caryn is now in. His thick New York accent makes it difficult for Caryn to realize that he's chuckling maniacally through the entire discussion. He tells her that he is sure Ian will agree to the arrangement.
Ian, meanwhile, is telling Katie and Jennifer that Caryn needs to be the next one to go. Oops, someone's not comparing notes! The women try to convince Ian that Tom needs to be the next one voted off. Ian, in what will prove to be a recurring problem this episode, begins stuttering and saying he might vote Tom off, but s-s-still w-w-wants C-c-c-carrrryn out.
Back to Tom, still convincing Caryn that she's in a solid position. No stuttering. Tom is a MUCH better liar than Ian. Caryn seems to trust Tom. Excuse me, but has she never watched "Survivor" before? Trust no one!! She truly believes she is in solid with Tom and Ian. She says she is "guardedly optimistic." I know we have missed a few episodes, but I can still smell the decidedly bitter odor of "foreshadowing."
Before this odor can permeate the entire camp, it's time to collect treemail! Tom and Ian collect the message, which hints of food and a good view. Maybe they're heading to that volcano on Vanuatu again! The live one with the weenies, not the dead one with the chicken wings... Regardless, the two men finally stop to compare notes. If one of them should win the reward, they will bring along one of the women, to prevent an all-female alliance from forming in their absence.
Ismira approves of this move; she reports that several players have lost the game at this point because they were away from camp while an alliance was being formed against them. Tom decides that he will take Caryn if he should win. Ian says he will take Katie. Tom is not sure he trusts Katie. Ian is not sure he trusts Caryn. Katie certainly doesn't trust Caryn. Nobody trusts Jennifer. I personally don't trust Radul about the whole Paula Abdul thing. It's like a weird "Honeymooners" episode!!! They eventually decide they will BOTH stay at camp and let Probst take the reward by himself. Ian feels like he's on the edge of a cliff without his parachute. Sorry, Ian, that's "Fear Factor."
At the Reward Challenge, the Survivors see that this time, they're playing for... a big white tent. While they pretend it's just as good a reward as a can of Pringle's, Probst drops the tent to reveal... (close your eyes and envision "The Price Is Right") "A BRAND! NEW!! CAR!!!" (okay, open your eyes again.) It's a shiny, Little Red Corvette! Ismira immediately jumps up and begins imitating "the Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince." I am repulsed, but at the same time strangely intrigued...
Along with the car comes a trip to a fancy mansion atop the highest mountain on the island, where the winner will spend the night. Sorry, no Pringle's. To win today's grand prize, the contestants must hop on unsafe bamboo rafts and paddle out to buoys using only a long stick. Then, they must lean off the raft, untie a canvas bag with a heavy mile marker sign inside. Bring it back while playing bumper-boats with your fellow contestants, also armed with long sticks. Somebody's gonna lose an eye in this one, we just know! When you've collected five, figure out how many miles it is to all the cities that Rob and Amber visited on "The Amazing Race" and still didn't win. Put the right mileage under the right city, and YOU win! (Still sounds like one of those "Price Is Right" games...)
GO!!! They're off!! Well, at least Tom and Ian are. The three women are figuring out which end of the long stick goes in the water. Caryn and Jenn immediately begin playing bumper boats, losing time. Katie has momentum working for her. Wait, I'm sorry; that's AGAINST her. Tom and Ian have their first piece back on shore. Caryn is getting tired. Tom and Ian have two pieces on shore. Katie is going in circles. Caryn and Jenn are busy re-enacting "The Monitor and the Merrimac." Ian and Tom have three pieces on shore. Wait a minute, Jenn has two pieces! How did THAT happen? Whoa, even Caryn has one! Katie has decided to simply poison someone and take THEIR place on a raft.
Ian has 4 pieces, and Tom tries throwing his piece to shore to gain ground. He shoots... he misses! Ian now has all five pieces!!! Katie is catching up; she has her first! (Ooh, that was sarcasm. I have not lost my touch...) Ian unwraps his pieces and quickly figures out that New York is further away than the Koror camp. He puts the mileage signs quickly in their place and wins the reward. He runs to the little red corvette (Ismira, for Allah's sake, stop singing!) and begins embracing and kissing it erotically. This man needs a girlfriend very badly. The good news is, with this car, he might get one!
Probst tosses him the keys, saying "get a room!" Ian slides into the drivers seat, sweaty, smelly body and all, as the CBS leather-cleaning crew winces in disgust. To absolutely no one's surprise, Probst offers him the chance to take someone along for the adventure. We hold our breath. Will he choose Caryn, like Tom suggested? Or will he choose Katie, whom he promised earlier in the game? After a prolonged (well, it seemed that way, at least) agonizing decision, he chooses... Tom? Ismira is shaking her head in disbelief. So is Katie, although it appears she is taking it a bit more personally than Ismira. Well, so much for THAT brilliant plan. Hassim is shouting at the HDTV screen, comparing Ian's mother to a deformed animal of some kind. Not to fear, though; even if Hassim figured out where Ian lives, his 1968 Buick could not make it all the way there.
As the men drive away to go "cruise chicks," the ladies are sent back to camp with lovely parting gifts of... well, nothing. I am thinking Ian just made a serious mistake.
Like any man out cruising chicks, Ian is not thinking about the girl he left behind. He and Tom are enjoying the buffet of food that awaits them at the mansion atop the mountain. They relax on the veranda, sipping champange and wondering if they should bring home chicken bones for the women to suck on. Tom, while happy to be here, realizes that they must work hard on Katie now to bring her back into their alliance. Ian says he will work to soothe Katie's irritation. As a man with a harem to constantly attend, let me just say this: I do NOT want to be Ian right about now.
Sure enough, Ian is not a very popular man back at the Koror campsite that evening. Katie is venting her frustration by chopping coconuts, pretending they are Ian's head. Or perhaps some other body part. Seeing her vulnerability, Caryn begins cross-examination. She gets Katie to admit that she had a Final Three agreement with Tom and Ian. Both Caryn and Jennifer are shocked to hear this. Caryn, because she thought SHE had an agreement. Jenn, because she never considered getting into an ALLIANCE with someone. What a cool idea; someone could win the game with a concept like that!
Katie is angry that the women didn't band together to eliminate the men when the Survivor count was at 7. Again, the booting of Stephenie is coming back to haunt them. Is Stephenie the ONLY one who saw this coming? Katie suggests that the women team up now to kick out Tom or Ian, whichever doesn't win the next Immunity. Why didn't Tom or Ian forsee this and prevent the women from getting together? Oh, never mind; I am getting hoarse from shouting at the television screen.
The women all readily agree to this new plan, but Caryn tells us privately that she is unsure. If she goes with the women, she will be in the Final Three, against two opponents who really stink at challenges. If she goes with the men, she will be in the Final Three against two men who have won more challenges than Colby and Rupert put together. She can't make up her mind. Ismira simply puts her head in her hands, while Hassim begins firing up his lighter.
Early the next morning, Tom and Ian are walking down the beach back to camp. I did not realize the mansion was within walking distance! The corvette is in the shop getting detailed (Ian wanted spinners.) The others are asleep, but Caryn is waiting for them. Tom is expecting his usual "here's what they said about you" report from Caryn, but instead, she launches into full lawyer mode and begins questioning Ian about the Final Three agreement. Ian's s-s-stutering p-p-p-problem kicks in again as he tries to bluff and convince Caryn she's solid. Azidi says she wants to play poker one day with Ian; she would get rich!
Caryn, of course, doesn't buy it, and storms off. Tom slaps Ian upside the head, and says that Ian must work on Katie even harder, because they just lost Caryn. Ian says, "Really? I thought I was convincing!" SMACK!!! Upside the head again.
Undaunted, Ian eventually convinces Katie to talk with him alone on the beach. She is angry for him breaking his word and not letting HER sweat on his new leather car seats. Poor Ian is obviously not very good with women, and stutters his way through an apology. Getting on his knees, he begs for forgiveness, offering to wash her underwear for a year if she will forgive him. He made a mistake, he's so sorry, he'll never do it again, it was just a one-night stand with Tom, it meant nothing! Katie says she's not sure; they had an agreement, and he broke it.
At this point, Ismira hits the "pause" button on the Tivo, and informs us that she learned that just last week, KATIE planned to betray Tom and Ian and go with Gregg and Jenn to the Final Three! It was only through a shrewd act of gameplay that Tom and Ian forced her back onto their side. Armed with this new information, we now boo, hiss, and throw cous-cous at the television screen as Katie continues to whine. Eventually, however, Ian's embarrasing groveling manages to soothe Katie's anger, and the two hug and make up. Ian skips back to camp, whispering, "Cha-ching!!!"
Tom and Caryn are off to collect tree mail as as day 36 begins. Tom is trying to get information out of Caryn. How is Katie doing? Is she back on our side? What does she really want for her birthday? Does she prefer flowers or candy? Wait, that was an easy one... candy! Caryn is not talking. She tells us that she is confident in the strength of the women's alliance. Just yesterday, she was confident in the alliance with Tom and Ian. We all know what this sort of indecision means...
The tree mail hints of a challenge involving memory and agility. "Uh oh" for the guys. Tom's next move is to reinforce Katie's loyalty to the Empire. Breathing heavily, he tells Katie that if she votes against them tonight, she will be executed. Katie says that wasn't part of the deal. Tom says, "I am altering our deal. Pray I don't alter it any further. Oh, and by the way... I... Am... Your... Father..." Katie doesn't like being strongarmed like this, at least not without dinner and a movie first. And there's no way in Hades that Tom is her father; they don't even have the same last name!!
Ian is not comfortable with Tom's new approach, either, and wonders what Tom is becoming. He ponders whether he should battle Tom in a spectacular, special-effects-laden fight and force him into a huge lava pit, but decides it would just be too messy. This is "Survivor," not "Parcheesi." That's right, Ian; in Parcheesi, there are RULES!!
With no further ado (there has already been too much ado already), we are at the Immunity Challenge. Today, it's a series of swinging bridges and floating platforms that Jeff Probst copied from an "Indiana Jones" movie. I look, but I fail to see a huge, rolling stone ball. The Survivors must race across the obstacles, then memorize the positions of tiles on a grid. Then race back and re-create the tile pattern at their home base. Then race back and memorize more tiles, praying that Probst hasn't changed their tiles back home. Then race back and forth a few times to figure which tiles they've screwed up. If, by random chance, someone actually gets the pattern right, they can have Immunity. If not, Probst will give it to Julie Berry.
At the word GO!!, Katie and Caryn fall off the first rope bridge. Actually, Katie gets tangled in the web-like ropes and spends the rest of the contest waiting for Shelob to come and eat her. Tom and Ian race across and memorize a few pieces, then head back. Jennifer makes it across and starts memorizing the entire board. We'll see which strategy pays off. Tom and Ian (why are these two always together?) have made a second trip and have more pieces in place. Jennifer is still burning the images into her brain. Tom and Ian have made a third trip, but Tom falls as Ian makes it back. Ian finishes the board and shows it to Probst, who just laughs. He must go back. Tom finishes the board, but is also wrong and has to go back and check. Jennifer is back putting pieces in place, but can't figure out why it isn't spelling anything.
Ian makes it back and rearranges his board. Probst keeps laughing. Darn it! Tom, after a couple of nasty falls that make him forget what it was he was looking for, eventually makes it back and makes a few corrections. Caryn is now crawling on her hands and knees. Katie is wrapped in a thick, white binding waiting for orcs to come and pick her up. Probst checks Tom's board again and proclaims Tom the winner!!! Everyone applauds for Tom except Katie, who can't move.
Back at camp, Tom is understandably relieved. He knows, though, that Ian may be going home if the women decide to stick together. Even now, Ian is still apologizing to Katie. I'll be good, he promises. I'll even go to counseling with you! Whatever you want, dear! Katie will make no promises. My clan is still booing and throwing food items at the television. Radul says that Ian is "whipped," but I have no idea what this means. To me, they ALL look tired.
Caryn is unsure about how Katie will vote. Caryn knows she might be in danger herself if Katie votes the wrong way. Well, Caryn, maybe you should, oh I don't know... DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF JUST SITTING THERE?
Thank Allah, it is time for Tribal Council. Probst introduces the jury, including recently departed Gregg. Gregg winks at Jennifer, holding his hand to the side of his head and mouthing the words, "Call me." Probst dives right into the fray between Katie and Ian. Ian, why did you do such a stupid thing? Katie, you're really really really really mad, right? Ian k-k-k-k-keeps ap-ap-ap-ap-p-p-pologizing. This is getting painful to watch.
However, it is at this moment that Caryn decides to do something about her predicament. Unfortunately, she has picked the worst possible time and place. She suddenly begins venting about how she is tired of all the lying. Ian is lying about the final two agreement, Tom is lying when he said she ratted the girls out, Probst was lying when he said there would be hot showers, and her hairstylist was lying when she said ALL the women would be wearing their hair like this!
Tom and Ian try telling the truth, but Caryn will have none of it. She doesn't want to think she did anything wrong, and can't fathom that someone would actually LIE in the game of "Survivor!" Jennifer is wisely keeping her mouth shut as Caryn quickly digs her own grave. Katie is now confused, and doesn't know what to think. Probst assures her that's just a side effect from the spider poison.
Before Katie can throw up, it's time to vote. We see Caryn voting for Ian, and we see Ian voting for Caryn. No surprises there. After Caryn's outburst, I'll bet everyone wants her gone!
And I am right. When the votes are read, it's 4-1 and big-mouth Caryn is going home. If only she had tried to side WITH Tom and Ian, she'd probably still be in the game. Hey, fourth place is better than fifth place and looking like an idiot, right? Without a word to her tribemates, Caryn heads down the dark path to oblivion.
We can breathe now!!! Next week (actually, in just a few days), the Final Four slit each other's throats for the grand prize. We see much boozing, and we also see Ian confessing to Tom that he told the girls he would vote Tom out. Wait a minute... Are Ian and Katie really brother and sister and Tom is father of them BOTH? I can't wait!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
April 15, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 9: "Only Their Hairdresser Knows For Sure"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
This is too painful to watch! Like a horrible camel accident on the side of the road, with twisted limbs and humps strewn everywhere, one is horrified by what has transpired. Yet, in a strangely macabre sense, we keep our eyes glued to the carnage, wanting to take it all in so we can tell all our friends "what a cool thing we saw." Such has been our time this season with "Survivor," a bizarre roadside accident that has claimed the lives of eight (count 'em, eight) members of the strong, buff, and soon-to-be-gracing-the-covers-of-decadent-magazines-everywhere Ulong tribe. We will endure, however, as yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Ethiopian Exporter, leads you once again on this perilous journey we call "Survivor: Palau!" Let the foolishness begin!
All the eyes of our village were on Cousin Radul this week as he traveled to a neighboring village to compete in something he calls "Arabian Idol." It is a cruel, heartless, talent competition judged by Abdul Ramman, Sheik Salah Abdul Fahala, and Paula Abdul. Against our better judgment, Radul entered the contest under the pseudonym "50 Shekel." Much to our surprise, he made it to the semi-finals by narrowly beating out Nikko Smith, who was really peeved about losing for a THIRD time. His only serious competition was the albino belly-dancer. (Yes, the same one that competed on our "Survivor: The Sahara."
Radul's downfall came on day 5 when the singing category was "Songs You Sing In The Shower." Radul sang a thirty-minute medley consisting of all the songs from "La Cage Aux Folles." Abdul Ramman said it was "hideous, a complete disaster, and an insult to gender-challenged people everywhere." Sheik Salah Abdul simply committed suicide on the spot. Paula, of course, loved it, and now wants to take Radul home with her as a pet. The competition was immediately cancelled, and the albino belly-dancer was quickly crowned the winner by default.
Speaking of the albino belly-dancer, her tribe did fairly well in "Survivor: The Sahara." In the first team Immunity Challenge, the tribes were forced to run through an obstacle course consisting of a snake pit, a live mine field, and a mud crawl. (We wanted ratings, just like Mark Burnett.) Tribe "Kessdara" (goat dung) easily breezed through the obstacles, while tribe "Swa-bakk" (nasty water) had serious difficulty and barely finished the course. Swa-bakk was sent to Tribal Council, where they were forced to choose between the guy who had just lost both legs in the mine field, or the woman who was bitten by poisonous snakes and was oozing infection even as she sat waiting for the vote. Before I could read the votes, the woman keeled over and voting was unnecessary. I simply said "The venom has spoken" and she was carried away. Oh, the unscipted drama!
On to more pleasant things. This week's "Diva Award" was given out by my daughter Azidi, because Radul was away wreaking havoc on "Arabian Idol." Azidi chose Stephenie as "Diva of the Week," for her spirit in surviving to the very end. She is a very determined young woman, and my family hopes she lasts a while longer. Azidi hopes she takes it all! I tell her that there will not be another "Chris Daugherty" this season, but she has no idea what I'm talking about.
The highlight of last week's episode, "The Great Water Debate," provides us with the three remaining awards this time around. Ismira's "Strategic Award" goes to Tom for his wisdom in suggesting that the tribe use the pure water for drinking instead of showering. It will save his tribe more trouble and free them up for other things, like shark-hunting. Besides, didn't the tribe already HAVE a shower they could have been using?
Interestingly enough, Hassim is giving his "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djinn" award to Tom as well. Hassim laughed as Tom forced his whiny, crybaby, capitalist American pig tribemates to use old water instead of fresh water to shower. In my village, water is so scarce that we re-use the same bathwater for three months!
And my "Dumbest American Mistake" award goes to Jennifer. She has been mostly silent to this point, but her first expressed opinions were not good ones. She was very upset that she couldn't use the holy water for bathing, because apparently she and Gregg had a hot date that evening. She was also upset that the shower water wasn't provided by "Dasani." This attitute will quickly wear thin on her more wilderness-oriented tribemates.
And on we go. Last week, we watched in perverse fascination as the Ulong duo lost everything possible in the episode, including language skills and personal hygiene habits. We watched as Stephenie and Bobby Jon danced around the camp singing, "Snotrockets in flight; afternoon delight." We watched as Stephenie beat Bobby Jon in individual Immunity and became the final Ulong standing. A dubious honor, but an honor nonetheless. Will Stephenie have to continue surviving on her own? Will there be a merge? Will Tom and Ian declare martial law at the Koror camp? Radul has begun singing again and is dancing around in a chartruese feather boa; let's get started!!!
Ah, glorious night! Ah, glorious empty camp! Stephenie is arriving back at camp "camel wreck," scared that she will be spending the night with only several lonely cameramen to keep her company. She manages to restart the embers of a fire that she and Bobby Jon left, contrary to the advice of Smokey the Bear. The fire comes to life, though she is afraid Mark Burnett will sneak into camp while she is asleep and put it out for more dramatic storytelling. She finally falls asleep, armed with the machete under her head, just in case. She says she is not a quitter, and she will fight. Ismira says there will be no "Ostens" this time around.
A new day finds Stephenie reinvigorated, carving the letters "EPMB" into a nearby tree. Alas, one of those dangerous wandering coconuts has ventured into camp, and Stephenie spends the morning hacking at it with the machete. She is worried that if no more coconuts wander into camp, she will starve.
Meanwhile, over at Camp Cornucopia, the Koror tribe is... eating again. Apparently, winning has its drawbacks. They have had to listen to Caryn's voice and endure Coby's thong for over three weeks now. There is a general malaise around camp because no one has had to worry or strategize for almost a month. Tom and Gregg are studying fish hooks as the highlight of the day.
Coby is tired of all this non-work. He has been single-handedly making fire, getting water, bringing home fish, replacing Janu's IV bag, and touching up Jennifer's roots, with no help from anybody. Talking to Caryn at her weekly salon appointment, he says he's going on strike. He is getting angry at having to work all the time when all Tom and Ian do are kill sharks. The tribe is getting no more work out of him; right after he finishes giving all the women a bikini wax.
My HDTV has seen enough of Coby, so the scene switches to Stephenie, who must give HERSELF a bikini wax if she wants one. Oh, and find food, make fire, and get water, too. No time for shark hunting! She tries her luck at fishing, but Bobby Jon has emptied the lagoon when he caught that ONE fish a few days ago. She sees a coconut in a tree, and we spend several minutes laughing at her as she tries unsuccessfully to coax it down to the ground. Eventually, she must climb the tree to retreive it. After cooking up another skillet of pulp du jour, she has herself a good cry. Our hearts are touched, but only for a moment.
Then, the divine hand of the Almighty (Mark Burnett again) intervenes. When Stephenie goes to collect the day's tree mail, it is a note saying to pack all her stuff and head over to the Koror camp. Elation sets in as she begins to dance for joy. She prances up and down the beach, kicking her legs in the air and singing "One Singular Sensation." Next, she scrambles to collect all the valuable items the Ulongs have collected in three weeks. After that thirty seconds is over, she loads up the canoe and follows the CBS map out into the water. How she is paddling this nine-person canoe all by herself is the biggest mystery of the season thus far. Cousin Radul swears he sees CBS scuba divers under the boat helping it along.
The next thing we see, Stephenie's canoe is making ground at the Ceasar's Palau Resort. Valet parking takes over from here, and Stephenie wanders past the karaoke bar, shopping gallery, and health club to where the tribe is still sleeping. Waking them up, she is greeted to cries of "Welcome!", "Hi!", and "Darn, I lost the bet; I thought it would be Bobby Jon." It is such a tremendous, momentous occasion that even Janu stirs from the hammock.
Stephenie has brought a mystery package for Koror to open. Hassim believes it is a gift-wrapped rat to add to Koror's collection. Radul believes it will be new underwear for Coby. Azidi swears it will be an Apple I-Pod. We are all proved wrong when it turns out to be a new, brown buff for Stephenie to wear. For the first time in Survivor history, a tribe has been completely wiped out, and there is no need for a merge or a new tribe name. Ismira immediately points her web browser toward CBS.com, hoping to purchase a crateload of the green camo buffs that were manufactured but now will never be used. Buy as many as you can, Ismira! They will soon be collector's items!!
The tribe gathers around the new buff like it is a gift from the heavens, smelling it and remembering what THEY used to smell like. Ian swears that he can see an image of the Virgin Mary in the camo patterns. Steph, however, wastes no time in stripping off the old blue buff and quickly donning the new, fresh, possibly-a-holy-relic one. The tribe decides that the old Ulong buff will be sent to the latrine to be used as toilet paper.
Jennifer and Katie give Steph a tour of the grounds, showing her the cabin, the latrine, the shower/drinking water area, and even the golf course that the crazy fat guy built. Steph likes the attention, but is worried that she is the odd person out in this group. Coby, Mr. "A catty mood for every occasion," is jealous of all the attention Steph is getting, and vows to get even by showering even MORE attention on her. He will tell her everything; all the alliances, all the backstabbing plans, and even the secret location where Twila buried the plantains. Azidi rolls her eyes and says, "So NOT the drama."
Coby's devious and evil machinations are interrupted by the sight of a U.F.P.O (Unidentified Floating Palauan Object.) No need to fear, it's just two fat natives on a makeshift raft paddling with bamboo sticks. It's Joe and Edwin (two popular Palauan names), and while they obviously know nothing about paddling, they are fishing experts. They are here because... well, we're really not sure why they are here, except that CBS thought the traditional merge foodbasket would be overkill after the custom-built cabin and tanning beds.
Joe and Edwin get to work showing the guys that the best way to catch fish is with BAIT. The Survivors marvel at this breakthrough concept. They fashion tiny grappling hooks from the fishing gear. Tom and Gregg realize that simply STARING at the hooks probably wasn't the best way to catch fish, after all. Note to self: Always trust the fat guys on how and where to get food.
The natives offer to take the men out to USE the bait while the women stay on shore and catch MORE bait. The natives aren't sure where Coby fits in, so he ends up on shore with the rest of the girls. He is NOT happy with this turn of events, and has what Ismira refers to as a "hissy fit." The rest of the tribe thinks that just maybe, he's not entirely stable anymore.
Meanwhile, the concept of using "bait" has proven very successful. Joe and Edwin are reeling in fish after fish, and soon even the Americans are doing it too. They return to shore with a basketful of fresh seafood. They try to go out again, but unfortunately Katie has eaten all the bait she caught. The fish are thrown on the fire to cook while Joe shows the Survivors one more Palauan ritual... getting roaring drunk on a couple of bottles of rum.
Tom likes this ritual. While the others sip the rum, the firefighter guzzles the bottle like my father-in-law drinks Milk of Magnesia. The others are feasting on the fish while Tom spits and sputters and tries to say "Vita-meata-vegemin." As a tribute to the World War Two heritage of the islands, he tries singing "There Is Nothin' Like A Dame," but it is off-key and totally the wrong tempo. He staggers to the ground before he can continue with "Bali Hai" or "Happy Talk." He finally falls to sleep and we can all rest our ears.
Early the next morning, however, Tom is up, relatively sober, and back to work. Joe and Edwin are preparing to leave, and much hugging and hand-shaking commences. Tom encourages them to stop by again, but the natives agree there are way too many rats here. And then there are the rodents, too. They paddle off, and Tom and Gregg go back to staring at the hooks again. Heavy sigh...
Coby decides the time is right to strike with his ingenious plan, "Tell Stephenie Everything and Make Myself The Most Hated Gay Guy In Camp." He calls Steph away from her daily spa treatment and begins spilling the beans about Tom's alliance, Gregg's plans to betray Tom, and that Wanda was right: all these people are really Hollywood models. Stephenie takes it all in, then goes back to Katie and reports what Coby said. Katie is upset; how can SHE get to be a Hollywood model?
Later, Steph talks to Tom. He assures her he has fond memories of his foursome with Ian, Katie, and Steph, and would like it to continue. The CBS producers are told to edit that part out when the episode airs in Tom's hometown. Tom's wife may be as violent as Brian Heidik's! Stephenie is confused; EVERYONE seems to be on her side; Janu has even offered her the hammock! Will wonders never cease? She doesn't know who to believe. Stephenie, welcome to "Survivor!"
This beautiful day of "let's play tug-of-war with Stephenie" is interrupted for one of those pesky Immunity Challenges. This one looks to be interesting. Platforms have been erected in the water, and sharks have been imported into the area. Blood will be poured in the water to drive the sharks into a feeding frenzy, and Probst will shoot at the survivors with a bazooka to knock them into the water... Sorry, that was Hassim's FANTASY of the challenge. In the REAL one, the Survivors will simply see who can stand still the longest. So much for it being interesting.
Probst retires the wooden monkey, after finally letting Stephenie touch it just once. She moans in delight... He produces Ian's sharktooth necklace from Episode One as the new Immunity talisman. Jolanda's necklace is missing; the ingrate took it with her as a lovely parting gift. Whoever wears the necklace is safe from the vote tonight, though not necessarily a fashion diva. Probst pulls up a chair to further taunt the contestants, and a Swedish massuesse appears to gently massage his shoulders. Now fully relaxed, he waves his arms, and the thrill-a-minute spectacle that is pole-standing commences.
Thank Allah for "time elapsed." After one hour, Probst pulls out a plate of donuts. Coby asks if a strong, sexy policeman comes with them. Regardless, he jumps in the water to get the treat. Janu leaps into the water as well, complaining that her back hurts. Yeah, laying around on it for three weeks will do that!
At one hour and thirty minutes, Ian offers to strip for chocolate and peanut butter. Probst tells him that shtick has already been taken. And by a swimsuit model, not a DNA experiment gone awry. Keep your clothes on, freak! Coby offers to strip for another donut. Katie offers to strip for a chance to be a Hollywood model. Tom offers to strip for more rum. Gregg offers to strip if Jennifer will. Caryn offers to strip if the two fat Palauans will come back. Janu declines to strip; she's on vacation, after all. Stephenie wonders if she can go back to Ulong.
At 2 hours and 30 minutes, it is getting dark. Probst reveals a plate of cookies and milk. Praise be to Allah, no one strips, but Ian, Gregg, Jenn, and Katie all jump into the water. It's down to Steph (who needs Immunity desperately), Caryn (whose lawyer instinct won't let her quit) and Tom (who is holding out for another bottle of rum.) Probst produces a steaming hot pizza, and the contest is over. Jennifer and Caryn scream and jump off the platforms. 
They scarf down carbs and cheese as Probst hands the necklace to Tom. I personally suspect that this is not the last time we will see Tom the Titan wearing that necklace.
After only one commercial break, we are suddenly at Tribal Council. No time to see any last-minute deal-making, last-minute pleading, or last-minute catfights. The Tribal Council is once again full of chairs, and the personalized Ulong nameplates (except for Stephenie's) have been removed. Probst is eager to ask questions to a NEW group of people for a change, so he starts with Stephenie. Scared? Heck, yes; I'm from the other tribe!! Jennifer, jealous? Heck, yes; she's from the other tribe! Coby, scared of Steph? Heck, yes; she's more of a man than I am, and she's from the other tribe! Jeff very clearly makes his point that Steph will be an easy vote. Steph grumbles under her breath.
He asks Janu who is the most worthless person around camp. (Like he doesn't know already.) She says it's ME, and begins singing "Show Me The Way To Go Home." However, she is too worn out to do the accompanying Rockettes high-kicks. Probst then asks Steph why she gave up Immunity for a pizza. Steph says she's given up more than THAT for a pizza back in college. Ooooookaaaaay.... He reminds her that after all, SHE IS AN EASY VOTE!
Probst asks Tom if he wants to give up the Immunity necklace. Maybe for pizza AND rum? Tom glares at Probst, and vows to call "Uncle Tony the Enforcer" when he gets back home. Probst quickly changes the subject and tells them it's time to vote. The group looks stunned, so Probst has to remind them that's what we DO here at Tribal Council, after all. It' s been so long, they've forgotten.
We see Ian voting for Coby, mumbling something very Mafia-like and invoking Uncle Tony's name again. We Janu voting for Stephenie, although she is so weak from all the strenuous labor that she has trouble holding the pen and writing such a long name. We see no other votes, and this leads my family to believe that a surprise is afoot.
The votes are read. One for Stephenie. She looks crestfallen, darn it, I just GOT here! One for Janu. She looks like she WANTS to be voted off. Then one for Coby. He smiles and shrugs it off. However, he cannot shrug off the OTHER six votes that come his way, and Probst calls him up for the ceremonial snuff. He tells his tribe, "Thanks for the compliment," which is denial-speak for, "I guess being a royal pain-in-the-butt wasn't the best strategy after all, was it?" My family cheers as Cousin Hassim sets fire to a little straw figurine wearing a thong.
Next week, Janu is extremely upset that nobody voted to send HER home, and lets everyone know it. She may just get her wish! There is some teasing about a celebration with food (like these people need any more food.) And Probst introduces a new twist: the loser of a challenge will be exiled to live alone!! Let's hope it isn't Stephenie again!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
April 08, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 8: "One Is The Loneliest Number" (a.k.a. "The Decimation")
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
The pressure is on!!! Who will emerge victorious, when this is all said and done? For whom will the final votes be cast? From this crowd of potential winners, who will be chosen? Hurry, Radul, finish watching the Iraqi elections so we can get back to "Survivor: Palau!" Yes, Iraq is moving into a new era of its history, but my family is much more focused on this season's "decimation" of Ulong!! Records are being broken left and right; no tribe in "Survivor" history has ever been this bad. My family is already looking down the line, trying to predict the two sub-tribes into which Koror will eventually split! And at the center of it all is yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Discounter of Damascus, here to make sure you have all of the proper insights along the way!!
We have not seen much of Ismira this week. She has been busy in her tent, administering her Internet chat room, "Survivor Hunks vs. Those Who Blow Chunks." Apparently, there has been a heated debate brewing among the participants in this chat room. On one side are those readers who believe that Bobby Jon is indeed Jesus Christ Reincarnated. Some readers claim if that is the case, he would have gotten booted out on Good Friday! (Those readers were obviously Muslim Arabs.) The "Bobby Jon" fanatics are adamant in their opinion that he is the best-looking "Survivor" ever to hit the islands. This group was led in the chat room by a member named "bj4ever," until Ismira realized it was actually Cousin Radul and banished him from her website.
On the other side of the argument are those who think Tom the Titan is the manliest man that "Survivor" has ever seen. Just ask the sharks of Palau! These folks claim that Tom is just like "Rupert with a brain." The Internet debate soon escalated into a fevered frenzy, overloading Ismira's bandwidth and causing a short in our antenna dish! Cousin Radul has spent the better part of two days trying to track down the blown-out antenna components. I hope he gets it repaired soon; the only television program we can get right now is a local broadcast of "Wheel of Torture."
My daughter Azidi is still following in her father's footsteps. This week at school, she made a fortune selling those little rubber bracelets to all her classmates. Truth be told, she ordered a surplus supply of black vacuum cleaner belts and was passing them off as "bracelets of mourning" for the Ulong tribe. None of her classmates suspected the truth, and she ended up having to order fourteen more cartons from "hoover.com." Next week, she will sell them all candles and hold a midnight prayer vigil for the terminally ill Ulongs. This summer, she will work in my shop full-time!!!
Enough bragging from a proud parent; it's time for our weekly family awards! Ismira quickly gave her "Strategic Award" this week to Stephenie. As soon as she realized that Bobby Jon was considering breaking their agreement, she wasted no time in offering Ibrehem a certain deal: Why let Bobby Jon have control of the game when WE can take control and vote him out? Strategically, it was the perfect move to make, even if Ibrehem didn't end up going with her on it.
This week, Cousin Radul is giving his "Diva Award" to Katie. Her originality and creativity finally came in handy to help her team win last week's reward challenge. Her only problem, as Radul sees it: Her "weight loss" plan for the game is being thwarted by an overabundance of food at the Koror camp! Maybe Tom could be her "Pilates" instructor for the remainder of the game...
And speaking of Ibrehem (Yes, we were; check a couple of paragraphs ago!), he gets the "Dumbest American Mistake" award this week, for the above-mentioned incident with Stephenie. While Stephenie realized the danger they were both in, Ibrehem was oblivious to the fact. He turned down a "sure thing" offer to instead hope that Bobby Jon would stay true to his word. Now we remember how THAT turned out, don't we class? If he would've sided with Stephenie, he would still be in the game, might have made the merge, and lasted a lot longer. But unfortunately, he'll never know...
And finally, the "Cruellest Son-Of-A-Djinn" Award from Cousin Hassim. He looked at the Koror tribe, possibly the nicest tribe in "Survivor" history, and could not find the slightest trace of cruelty. Even Coby and Caryn have been keeping their nice-nice faces on. Over on Ulong, it would even be too heartless for HASSIM to call one of THEM "cruel." Hassim has several OTHER names to call them, however. Finally, in frustration, Hassim gave the award to the most deserving player he could think of. Himself.
Last week on "Survivor: Palau," Koror dominated Ulong in every possible way, with a variety of their members getting the chance to humiliate the other team. Gregg and Jenn's romance is heating up, but the other Koror members are starting to take notice. Ulong is down to two tribe members. will we see the first one-person tribe in history? Will Ulong's worst fears be realized? Or will Stephenie wake up from a bad dream and find she's in bed with Bob Newhart? Radul has fixed the antenna dish with duct tape and one of his gold tooth fillings and Ismira is back on line; let's get started!!!
The first thing we see is our beloved Bobby Jon lighting a fire, because it's... night again. At least my dark-blue nightvision HDTV says it is. Stephenie is busy thanking him for keeping her around and sticking to her word. She fails to mention that she tried to vote HIM off tonight, but Ibrehem wouldn't cooperate. Bobby Jon says she never had anything to worry about; he gave her his word. Privately, he tells us that he only kept Stephenie around because there was sure to be another water challenge soon.
Still, spirits are amazingly high, or else they have breathed in too much campfire smoke. Stephenie is optimistic, and tells Bobby Jon she still thinks they can bring home the victory. Heck, they can't even bring home all their tribe members! Yes, this is "Survivor" honesty! After the pair have lied to each other enough for one day, it's time for bed.
Day 19 dawns upon a fly-infested, decomposing shark's head and the sights of playful little rodents enjoying the bounty of coconuts strewn about the area. Yes, it's the Koror camp, where "Koror" is Palauan for "Section 8 Housing!" Koror has so much food, a lot of it is going to watse. Don't they know people are starving in Ulong?
Coby, always the one with an opinion for every occasion, is disgusted with the cleanliness (or lack thereof) around camp. Coconut scraps are everywhere, the shark's head is no longer the attractive conversation piece it once was, and Tom's dirty underwear have been dropped on the floor of the shelter. Where is June Cleaver when you need her?
Coby moves the shark's head and guts away from the camp, even though he knows King Tom will not be happy. He grumbles about how he does EVERYTHING around the camp, getting water, getting firewood, hunting, cleaning, and trimming everyone's toenails. He is waiting for a pumpkin-carriage to show up and take him away from all this, and maybe he will meet a handsome prince. As for the evil stepsisters Jenn, Katie, and Janu, he wants to push them all into the fire, primarily because that would be less firewood he will have to collect today.
Before Coby can be fitted for his new pair of glass slippers, we are suddenly at a Reward Challenge. Cousin Radul rewinds the Tivo box to make sure we didn't miss anything, but there was indeed no warning. Ulong's two remaining players enter, ready to win as always, and then Koror begins filing in. No wonder the episode needed all the extra time it could get! They keep entering the clearing like those clowns that come out of the little car at the circus. Finally, everyone is here and Probst can explain the rules.
The Survivors will have an eating challenge. We do not know what to make of this, but Ismira is positively giddy, and says it is the time-honored "Gross Food Challenge." Sure enough, Probst explains that the Survivors will be eating "Balute," a native delicacy which is essentially a duck partial birth abortion. Sounds tasty already. The players will eat one, then two, then three, then four of these abominations, and the players that don't hurl breakfast all over the host will score a point. Stephenie is already regretting the stop at Shoney's Breakfast Bar on the way to the challenge.
The prize today will be a huge drum of fresh water to bathe in, as well as shampoo, deodorant, mouthwash, toothbrushes, and toothpaste. I don't know about these Survivors, but take it from my family: Fresh water is for DRINKING, well water can be for showering! Why waste it on showering? Perhaps this is a little test from Probst to see how foolish the Survivors really are.
Tom the Titan and Ian the Invincible will do the eating for Koror. Bobby Jon and Stephenie ask if they can finally sit out a challenge. After the laughter from Koror dies down, the players line up, ready to munch and crunch. Tom and Stephenie hit the table first, and both down their half-formed duck fetus. Yummmm... Radul is not looking. Bobby Jon and Ian are up next, and after a little trouble, down two of the not-quite-omelets. They are fine, but Radul has snuck a glance and is now looking queasy. Tom and Stephenie are up again, and Tom is enjoying the taste. He and Steph gobble down three, while Radul has his hand over his mouth by this time. The score is tied. Ian and Bobby Jon hit the snack bar again, and this time, they slurp down four of the viable tissue masses. Radul has just spewed Buffalo Lamb and dried dates all over Yamiin's new persian rug. Luckily, where we come from, the rugs are not an imported item.
It's time for a tiebreaker!! Tom will go up against Bobby Jon. Bobby Jon looks defeated already. Whoever can down 5 of the ducklings dujour the fastest will win the game. GO!!!! Bobby Jon forces all five eggs into his mouth at the same time. Now Cousin Hassim is even looking faint. He (Bobby Jon, not Hassim) chokes, spits, wheezes, and gasps for air as Tom continues to steadily eat his hor d'euvres one at a time. Tom is down to his last duck! Hassim is unsteady. Bobby Jon is trying to force the mush down his throat with his hands. Tom opens his mouth wide; he is finished!!! Hassim adds more mess to Yamiin's new persian rug. She decides to simply roll it up and throw it away.
Bobby Jon is staring open-mouthed at Tom, with duckmush dripping out. He looks genuinely angry; at least, as angry as one CAN look with a face full of crushed fetus. Probst sends the losers away as he passes Tom a bottle of mouthwash. The Koror tribe grabs the basket and begins deciding who will get to shower with whom as they make their way back to camp. We go to a commercial break as a massive clean-up effort is underway in my tent. Azidi, grab the "Febreeze!"
When the stench is gone from my tent and the mess finally cleared away, we find ourselves back at the Koror camp. No mention of the rats this time; Coby has had all of them turned into coachmen for his upcoming trip to the palace. The Survivors are oohing and aahing over the toiletry items, like they've never seen the inside of a medicine cabinet before. Ian begins drinking the orange-flavored mouthwash before the other players can convince him it's not pina colada concentrate.
Then, they notice the huge steel drum full of water over their shower stall. The cameramen are ready for the girls to immediately strip and leap into camera range under cascading water. More oohing and aahing commences, this time from the cameramen.
But the feast of flesh is not to be. Tom takes a defensive pose inside the shower stall and demands that the water be used for drinking, not showering. Finally, a smart player! Ismira wonders, though, if he should have taken such a stand. We will see. Jenn is NOT happy with this decision. SHE wanted to take a shower, then play in the water tank like those women on "Petticoat Junction." They decide to vote, and Tom reminds them of what happened with the shark. The vote is unanimous; they will drink the water!!
Over at Ulong, Bobby Jon is still angry that he keeps losing to Tom. Tom is such a macho guy, it makes Bobby Jon feel like a girly man. Another girly-man loss like this, and Coby may stary hitting on him after the merge. The very thought sends Bobby Jon into a rage, and he vents his frustration and homophobia by chopping huge bamboo trunks with an axe. Soon, there is more discarded bamboo than at the "Gilligan's Island" set strike. Stephenie, while grateful for all the firewood, is worried that he might start sleeping with the axe at night, and she might not MAKE it to the merge.
Before Bobby John can become a serial killer, we switch back to the Koror camp. They are hard at work NOT taking showers. Combined with their personalities, their body odor is beginning to make camp life uncomfortable. It seems they are all busy preparing to battle each other when the game becomes individual. Tom the Titan and Ian the Incredible steal away to have a "State of the Union" session. Ian reports the coconut harvest is up 12 percent, that shark futures are down, the tribe still smells, and oh yes, Gregg and Jenn are quite likely to turn on us at any moment.
The two men discuss having previously had a foursome with Katie and Stephenie on Day 1. While the CBS producers scramble to find erotic footage they somehow missed for the highlights DVD, we learn that it was actually a Final Four agreement. If Stephenie makes it to a merge (provided that Ulong doesn't self destruct before that time), she can join their group and it will take the rest of the tribe by surprise. Heck, they might even let her use the mouthwash AND the hammock!
The next day, we spend the entire day at the Ulong camp. One would think with only two people to dwell on, nothing interesting would be happenning. One would be wrong. Bobby Jon is providing all the entertainment necessary for this fun-filled Survivor day. His string of losses has short-circuited something in his brain, and he has reverted to caveman status. He no longer bathes, and eats crab shells and burps. His new name is "Ooga" and he spends the day dragging Stephenie around by the hair and beating his chest.
Additionally, he has taken up the admirable new hobby of shooting "snotrockets." Apparently, this is some sort of nasal projectile that Ooga has perfected. He goes around camp, blowing "snotrockets" around the bedding area, fire area, eating area, and into Stephenie's buff. Ismira suspects he is simply "marking his territory." Cousin Radul grabs his stomach again and heads outside.
Azidi loves this new word, "snotrocket." She plans on taking it to school for show and tell. She says all her friends are "snotrockets." Her teachers are "snotrockets." She will even trick her fellow students into a Gross Food Challenge, featuring... I go outside to join Cousin Radul.
When I am feeling better, I return inside to find Stephenie lamenting their pitiful state. Tearfully, she says it's just her and "Ooga" now, and Ooga doesn't even speak English anymore. She wants to get their canoe out into the water so she can drown her teammate, but the effort just isn't worth it. For the time being, she will live with the snotrockets.
Day 21 dawns, and we see Stephenie and Ooga trying to catch some food. Ooga manages to spear a small fish, and the pair find a mysterious 20-pound clam that the CBS producers "accidentally" dropped on their beach. Not looking a gift clam in the mouth, they take it home and cook up clam and fish for lunch. The food invigorates them, and Ooga slowly transforms back into Bobby Jon speaking English. Or speaking Alabama, anyway.
Just in time, it seems. A note, written in English, is in the tree mail box. It is a puzzle, saying something about "Sink Or Swim." They are optimistic, and think without Ibrehem, they might have a chance in a water challenge. They know they are tough competitors. Do I even have to ask the obvious question here? Okay.... THEN WHY HAVE YOU LOST MORE CHALLENGES THAN ANY TRIBE IN SURVIVOR HISTORY? Whew, got that out of my system.
The Immunity challenge is next. Probst announces that Immunity is back up for grabs. No one really believes him anymore. The monkey is already inching his way back to the Koror mat. Today's torture, er, challenge will involve swimming underwater to collect bags of heavy puzzle pieces. Grab each bag and carry it over balancing pontoons back to shore. Assemble the pieces to form a word search puzzle. Look in the word search puzzle for pre-chosen words. Circle the words and find letters circled twice. Write the letters down. Convert them to Morse Code, then use the dots and dashes to form a distress signal that will attract a passing plane. Ask the pilot if he's "Got Food." Write the pilot's mother's maiden name in the blanks, then unscramble the letters to form the name of a pro football team. Remember the number of games that team won in 1992. Eat that many more duckmush eggs. Then, take the twice-circled letters and form a three-word answer to win the game!
Koror will play Coby and Gregg this time. Ulong, since Stephenie and Bobby Jon played last time... just kidding, get your sorry behinds out there and try not to embarrass yourselves again, okay? Koror ready? GO!!!
The teams hit the water with Stephenie and Gregg. Gregg comes back slightly ahead of Stephenie. Coby and Bobby Jon race out, with Probst commenting that Bobby Jon is "walking on water." We know which side of Ismira's chat room HE'S on! Bobby Jon takes the lead away from Coby. The other two head out again, and Stephenie maintains the lead. Coby and Bobby Jon go out for the final bag of pieces, but Bobby Jon can't find the last bag. So much for divine revelation.
Coby makes up lost ground, and the two teams are tied when they start assembling their puzzles. Ismira says Coby will pull ahead at this point. Sure enough, the scantily-clad hairdresser quickly solves the puzzle, and Koror begins circling words. Stephenie and Bobby Jon are turning the pieces over and over, looking for more "Survivor" trivia. Question: Which team was the worst ever in Survivor history? By the time they solve their puzzle and start circling words, Koror has all their letters found and is busy unscrambling. Stephenie tries cheating, but Coby says, "die, loser-girl!" and covers his board. NONE of Stephenie's strategies seem to work.
Koror, however, thinks they have won the game by spelling "A TASTY VOICER," although they have no idea what it means. They try "TASTE YO VICAR," but Probst doesn't allow that one, either. When "YOVIC EATS RAT" is not accepted, Coby swears it was a headline in his hometown Yugoslavian newspaper. Finally, by mere chance, Coby hits the board in frustration, and the letters fall in place to spell "VICTORY AT SEA." Koror wins again, while Stephenie and Bobby Jon are still trying to find the word "Ulong" on their word search.
Another day, another Immunity loss for Ulong. Probst, never having had a tribe of TWO going to Tribal Council before, begins making up rules on the fly. Tonight, there will be an Individual Immunity Challenge at Tribal Council. The loser of that challenge will be going home. The winner will be a tribe of one. We are not sure who will be getting the better deal.
The Korors go back to their hotel, er, camp to celebrate. They are positively giddy about how the gay guy, the lanky kid, the nanny, the showgirl, and the old white guy (Tom, not Willard) teamed up to beat the other tribe. The congratulate Coby on his challenge win, and the emotion overtakes him. He's never been on a winning team before, and has always quit things before succeeding. Tearfully, he is proud of himself, and decides to ask Tom is he wants to do "The Amazing Race" next, just like those other guys. His hugging and gushing cries of "I Love You Man," and "Free highlights and conditioner for everyone!" soon wear thin on his tribemates.
Lest Coby's emotional lapse make us forget what a catty, self-serving, conniving son-of-a-djinn he really is, we switch over to the Ulong Camp. They are wondering, for the umpteenth time, what went wrong. Tom didn't even play this time! Bobby John admits that NOTHING has worked for this tribe, not even the snotrockets. He is hoping tonight's Individual Immunity Challenge involves some sort of bodily functions, so he will stand a fair chance against Stephenie. The only thing he has going in his favor is that he knows how to make fire. Now, what kind of lame challenge would that be?
Stephenie is worried about how she will survive if she returns to camp alone tonight. Bobby Jon has been the one to take care of those things. She is scared at the thought of being alone. Bobby Jon, on the other hand, doesn't mind the thought at all. He could survive out here for weeks by himself, although he would soon revert back to "Ooga." On the plus side, he wouldn't have to worry about pesky things like personal hygiene, language, or clothing. Hmmm, Stephenie is scared of coming back alone, and Bobby Jon is looking forward to it. Everyone in my tent agrees that we are about to see the hand of irony tonight. It's every loser for themselves as the canoe heads out to Tribal Council.
At Tribal Council, Probst is as friendly as we have ever seen him. I guess even HIS cruelty has its limits. Or perhaps there's simply nothing else to say to these washouts. He tells them congratulations on being the Final Two, except that it's just of YOUR TRIBE, you losers. Can Bobby Jon survive? Yeah, I caught a fish and I can make fire. Can Stephenie survive? I don't know; when do I get to go live at Koror?
He asks what is the key to survival. After several wrong guesses of "toilet paper," "flavored dental floss," and "hemmorhoid cream," he finally gets them to say FIRE. What a coincidence; making a fire will be your Immunity Challenge tonight! They will each be given husks, kindling, and... matches. Whoever can't make a fire with MATCHES will be sent home to face nationwide humiliation. First person to light their torch wins. GO!!
Both players quickly pile up kindling and husks and begin striking matches. Probst says strike the rounded sulphur end, guys. Oh, sorry. Stephenie lights her fire, and soon it is growing large. Bobby Jon is having trouble lighting his kindling because it is now covered in snotrockets. Stephenie's fire lights her torch, and suddenly she is the Sole Ulong Survivor. Bobby Jon gets his torch, and Probst snuffs it out, even though the tribe has said nothing. Isn't this a violation of the "Survivor" rules somewhere?
Stephenie is faced with several questions as she heads back to camp alone. How will she paddle that canoe all by herself? Who will protect her from the vicious snakes, sharks, and wild coconuts? Who will she blame her next challenge loss on? All these questions and more, will be answered next week!!
Next week, according to the previews, it seems that Coby has a falling out with Tom the Titan and Ian the Irascible. I guess they won't be doing "The Amazing Race" after all! And at camp "Snotrocket," Stephenie is trying to cope with living alone, with humorous results (for us, anyway.)
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
April 01, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 7: "The Last Song Of The Once Strong But Now Wrong Ulong"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Oh, the horror! Must we keep watching as the competitors are whittled away, one by one? Must we watch the losers hang their head in defeat, trudging away into obscurity? How can we go on, knowing that only one will emerge victorious? Hopefully, the NCAA Basketball Championships will soon be over, and "Survivor" will be back on its regular night! These Thursday morning viewings are throwing our weelky schedules out of sorts. No work gets done in our village after "Survivor," as we are busy arguing about the episode, and these four-day weekends are cutting into the Gross National Product of our clan! Be that as it may, we are still here, ready and waiting to jump once again into another exciting episode, hosted by Yours Truly, Honest Achmed, the Tel Aviv Telemarketer!!
It has been an extremely busy week. Three days ago, Cousin Hassim and I launched the televising of our own version of "Survivor," entitled "Survivor: The Sahara." On the first episode, our sixteen competitors were hogtied and strapped to backs of camels and led into the desert for 342 miles to the camp locations. Unfortunately, Hassim forgot to untie our Survivors before leaving them, and two contestants died from heat exhaustion! The remaining fourteen immediately realized that OUR game would have even more twists than Mark Burnett's! One camel died as well, so that tribe had fresh meat for the first two days. In addition, we had to cancel our first Tribal Council because of the rough start. Just as well, though; cousin Hassim had not finished filling the Tribal Council pit with live scorpions yet. He assured me it would be ready by our second episode...
I am also VERY upset; I am now the laughingstock of my village! Last week, Ismira and my daughter Azidi entered us in the new local contest entitled "Trading Oasis." My worst fears were realized when we were indeed chosen from over four applications! For two days, we traded tents with that female sheik with the all-female harem from the other side of the village. We tastefully decorated her tent in flowing, rich Arab colors, festooned with gold filigree, and Radul even built an entertainment center for the Sheik's collection of "Lavern and Shirley" DVDs.
When we returned to OUR tent, however, we found it spray-painted in hot pink with posters of the "Village People" hanging everywhere! The front entrance to my abode now sports one of those fountains with the little boy urinating, and MY entertainment center is now filled with DVDs for something called "Debbie Does Damascus." The worst part is, we have to leave the tent like this until the television crews come to film it, and we have to pretend to be delighted! Ismira will never hear the end of this one...
Enough humiliation; onto our family awards. The recipient of Ismira's Most Strategic Award goes to... drum roll, please... Katie and Janu! During last week's Immunity Challenge, they realized that KNOTS, not wood, was the key to protecting the flag box, and stayed behind to tie a multitude of knots to their box while the other team faltered. This turned out to be the winning strategy, and eventually sent James home.
And speaking of Janu, she gets this week's highly coveted "Diva Award" from Cousin Radul. Although not exactly a fashion queen, her over-the-top hysterics after the storm were certainly attention-getting, scoring her huge Diva points. Then, she got herself together for the above-mentioned challenge, and well, you saw the result. Radul gave her the Diva Award though he comments that she could use some "surgical body enhancements."
The "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djin" award was very difficult for Hassim to decide this week. He says the Ulongs aren't cruel, they're just pathetic. He also says the Korors are too nice to even be considered. Eventually, he gave the award to Coby again, if only for his catty remarks about Katie's macrame and necklace making activities.
My "Dumbest American Move" this week goes to Stephenie. She promised Bobby Jon that she would vote with him, then changed her mind and voted with James, forcing an unnecessary tie. Then, she changed her mind AGAIN and voted against James at the tiebreaker. Now Bobby Jon and Ibrehem both know she's not trustworthy.
Last week on "Survivor: Palau," we were introduced to a new term: Ulonging. This tribe is getting picked off one by one BEFORE the merge. After winning a few cans of Pringles and a swimming trip, the Ulongs quickly fell back into routine and lost the Immunity Challenge. Stephenie made agreements with both factions in her tribe, and couldn't decide who to vote for. Eventually, she voted for BOTH Ibrehem and James in seperate votes. It's a long story. Anyway, poor James was sent on his way, and the Ulong tribe was down to three. Can it get any worse? Will Koror continue to dominate? Will we see any more puppet shows? Radul, turn off "Debbie Does Damascus"; let's get started!!!
Day 16: And I Thought Will Smith was "The Sharkslayer"
I sit down to begin tonight's episode after helping myself to some of Yamiin's Buffalo Lamb, and I realize I have completely missed the obligatory nighttime shots of Ulong returning from Tribal Council. My family tells me that there WERE no nighttime shots this episode. Already, this has thrown me off; what am I to do without my weekly dose of night-vision?
Alas, more mysteries await. It seems the Ulong cave from Episode 2 has reappeared, and the Ulongs are now permanently living there. It is the morning after they have voted James off, and they are desperately trying to convince themselves they have a shot at winning this game. Stephenie says they could still make it. Even SHE doesn't seem convinced. Ibrehem says everything happens for a reason. Yes, because of the reason that your tribe keeps losing challenges. Bobby Jon wonders if three people can even be considered a tribe. Stephenie says no, it's a "menage-a-troi." The cameramen get excited until they realize the Alabama boys don't speak French.
With no luck at Ulong, our attention turns to Koror. At least there's more PEOPLE here. Tom is exercising. Gregg and Jenn are snuggling. Katie is knitting decorative lace curtains for the shelter. This is not "Survivor," it's "Design On A Denari!" Ian is in the water, and comes up with a huge, meaty clam that tries to bite his leg off. Several members of the tribe pounce on it, and before the vicious clam can claim any more lives, they pry its mouth open. The next thing we see, one of Palau's national treasures is simmering in a stew pot.
However, the abuse of local flora and fauna does not stop here. While washing out the clam shells (Katie plans on using them for a new "Little Mermaid" costume) the clam's blood attracts more sharks. Ian and Gregg immediately grab sticks with nails and head out after the intruders. They succeed only in spearing Ian's foot, but their antics distract the sharks from the REAL threat. Tom the Titan has grabbed a machete and has snuck up behind the sharks (from behind.) He slams a shark with the machete, spewing blood everywhere, then wrestles it out of the water, puts it in a headlock, pile-drives it into the sand and shouts "Who's Your Daddy Now?" Gregg runs up just in time to watch Tom rip the shark's head off with his teeth.
Koror spends the rest of the day worshipping at Tom's feet. Tom, for his part, realizes that he is now seen as a powerful player, but there's nothing he can do about it now. Coby tells us that it will indeed be harder to vote Tom off now that everyone worships him. Tom posts the shark's head on a stick as a reminder to anyone who would try to vote against him.
Day 17 begins with treemail at both tribes. The message mentions something about building a signal...
because Ulong's so lame;
We had to give them a shot
at winning this game.
"Build a great signal,
and you'll be in luck;
If Ulong loses this one,
then they REALLY suck."
Ulong breathes a sigh of relief when they read their treemail. Finally, a challenge they can win!! They are so excited, they immediately begin tearing apart their shelter AND bathroom, figuring that the reward will be another professionally-built shelter like Koror got. Their plan is to send the entire camp up in flames. Ismira says that tradition should be saved for when there are the final two left at camp. Which at this rate, could be as early as tomorrow.
Since visibility and originality are the major factors in winning this challenge, the Ulongs decide to construct the word "Ulong" and hide it under the trees near the beach.Being the masters of self-deception that they are, they are convinced they have a winning plan. Ismira says now would be a good time to write "For a good time, call Jeff Probst" on the beach instead.
At the Koror camp, the tribe picks Gregg, Katie, and Caryn to work on the signal. Gregg, because he can chop and carry things. Katie, because she's funny, witty, and creative. Caryn, because they want her out of camp for a while. These three work on spelling out a tribute to the Palauan "FOOT GOD," which they accidently misspell into "GOT FOOD." Ian, meanwhile, is praying to said foot god to heal his shark-hunting injury. The rest of the tribe wonder how the project is proceeding, since they can't help. The puppet theatre is soon sacrificed to the foot god, as are the remaining kerosene and lanterns in camp. They hope to light their message on fire as well. And if Caryn should just HAPPEN to stumble in the fire...
Before long, Probst is flying overhead in a yellow Beechcraft with a Nigerian drug-smuggling priest... wait, wrong channel. Oh, here we are, Probst has Judge Judy with him this time to oversee the two messages. As they fly over the Ulong camp, both Probst and the judge can't see the message. They circle three or four times, then finally notice the word "Ulong" hidden in the trees. The tribe members are waving and screaming. Ibrehem waves politely at the plane. Ismira says somebody named "Clarence" would have stripped down to his "tighty whities." I have no idea who "Clarence" is or what "tighty whities" are, but he sounds like one of Radul's friends.
Next stop, the Koror camp. Ian is on his knees, pointing to the sky, looking up at Tom and shouting, "Da Plane!! Da Plane!!" Tom raises his coconut to the approaching plane and they toast. Meanwhile, Gregg is having a hard time lighting the fires at the altar of the foot god, and the tribe is certain they have lost the challenge. The judge, however, appreciates the fact that the group didn't simply use their tribe name (ahem) or hide the message in the trees (ahem.) Their message of "GOT FOOD" is prominently displayed. The judge nods to Probst, and our host pushes a crate out of the plane.
The Koror tribe cheers as they see the crate of food making its descent to their camp. Opening it, they discover a multitude of MRE packages (Meals Rarely Edible) and more wine so that Caryn can practice her monkey impressions again. After having only eaten ten pounds of clam and a twenty-pound shark the day before, the tribe is starving and immediately digs in to the supplies. Ismira says this will be the only tribe in "Survivor" history to actually GAIN weight while playing the game! The tribe continues the celebration, with even Katie and Caryn kissing. Radul hits the "Tivo" button and makes us replay that particular scene several times until we wrest the remote from his control.
Back at the Ulong beach, the tiny tribe hears the sound of the airplane making its return trip. They wait for supplies to fall from the sky to signify their victory, but the only thing that comes out of the airplane is Probst's finger. Without another word, the airplane flies away, and the Ulongs sit deep in the forest next to their message and wonder what went wrong.
Day 18, another day in paradise. Another day of Gregg and Jenn snuggling. I am beginning to wonder if this is just stock footage. Another day of Coby making catty remarks. He knows they're a couple, but he doesn't care as long as they vote with him. Well, he really DOES care, but he'll get over the one that got away...
Gregg keeps forgetting that this is "Survivor," and keeps thinking it's actually "Elimidate." He is worried about getting too close to Jenn, or maybe not getting close enough. How can he be a "player" and a "playa" at the same time? It's more than a straight white man should ever have to bear! Getting Jenn alone at the water well, he reassures her that things are still the same, but they both have to play the game as well. Satisfied that they have everyone fooled, they go back to the beach and make out. Tom is watching them (it's been 18 days without his wife, can you blame the man?) and realizes that their relationship might be a threat. He'll have to keep watching them even more closely. Ismira is singing "Loving, Touching, Squeezing," as we go to a commercial break.
Upon our return, we are watching Bobby Jon fishing for Ulong. Like Ian, he manages to snag another large clam. We are waiting for Ibrehem to come up with a shark next, but eventually reality sets in and we realize that is NEVER going to happen. Bobby Jon then goes on to catch another small fish, and feels like he just scored a winning touchdown. He hasn't heard about Tom's shark yet, but we all know Probst won't let that be a secret for long.
They cook the fish and clam until the meat is dry and burnt, so that it tastes just like the coconut they've been eating. With stomachs full and satisfied (just keep telling yourselves that, guys) they declare that they're ready for the next challenge. Must keep a straight face... must keep a straight... must keep a... oh, what the heck; HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
They have boosted themselves up just in time for tree mail. This treemail comes with a sliding puzzle in the design of a star. The instructions say to practice. Does anyone think they might have to solve one of these things in the upcoming challenge? Anyone? The Ulongs spend the next several hours looking to see if THESE pieces have "Survivor" trivia printed on them, then spend an hour deciding that the pieces are NOT actually edible.
Too late for more practice. It's time for the challenge. The tribes see each other for the first time all episode, and the Korors are shocked that James is gone. Darn it, now Ulong might start WINNING something. Ismira swears that, in keeping with the military theme of this season, James was actually a saboteur working for Koror. Seeing his performance in recent challenges, I am beginning to believe her. We will see if his absence makes a difference.
Ready to inflict further humiliation on Ulong, Probst asks how the fishing is going. Bobby Jon is proud to have nabbed a clam and a fish, but is scared of the sharks. Koror starts laughing. They tell the story of "Jaws VI; Be Very Afraid of Tom" and boast about shark roast, shark steaks, shark patties, shark burgers, and even the "Buffalo Shark" that they had for dinner. Suddenly, Ulong is hungry again. Stephenie and Bobby Jon ask if there can PLEASE be a merge, or a switch, or perhaps a murder-suicide pact. Stephenie even offers Probst the same deal that got Julie Berry into fifth place, but Probst is not that hard up. At least not yet.
Onto the game. Remember the practice puzzle? Ulong says yeah, it didn't taste very good. Both tribes will send three members out to a life-size version floating in the water. One will be the brains and lead the others in solving the puzzle. Koror will play Coby, Janu, and Jenn. Ulong will play... oh yeah, right. You three again. And no eating the pieces this time. Ready or not; GO!!!
Bobby Jon is the brains for Ulong. So THAT'S what the problem has been all along! Stephenie and Mr. Dead-in-the-water will move the pieces. For Koror, Coby will be the caller, and Janu and Jenn are in the water. Janu again looks tired and terrified; this bobbing up and down in the water reminds her of that horrible time at the "Disney on Ice" show when the ice freezers went on the fritz...
As the game progresses, Coby is making slow but steady progress, putting the pieces in place one at a time. Bobby Jon directs his tribemates to form the outline of Barney the Dinosaur with their pieces. Coby makes more progress, while Ulong now forms the shape of James's nose. Bobby Jon is staring and scratching his head; how to get these darn pieces to form the word "Ulong?" Finally, he trades places with Stephenie, who realizes that Koror is making a STAR out of their pieces. She can