by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

Curse you, Honest Omar!! May your lineage be striken with large noses, acute acne, and varicose veins!! I must apologize for being out of contact these past few weeks, but it is not of my own doing. Things in my village have been in turmoil since the latest antics of my fiercest business competitor, Honest Omar. Heavy sigh... Where do I even begin?

It all began when Honest Omar decided he wanted some of my incredible profits from "Honest Achmed's Pay-Per-View" of Survivor. Too miserly to obtain his own satellite dish, Omar decided to illegally tap off of mine and begin supplying viewers with "Survivor" for a lower price! Late one night, he snuck to my antenna and began working on it with a pair of pliers and a ginsu knife. I am betting you can guess what happened next...

The satellite dish shorted out, smoke began billowing up like an oil well on fire, and our link with the outside world disappeared! No television, no Internet connection, no telephone, but most of all, no "Survivor!" My village immediately went into a panic. Riots in the streets, looting (not MY shop, thankfully), and camel dung in the streets! When word got out, Honest Omar was a wanted man. The last I heard, he went into hiding somewhere in the mountains of Pakistan.

Ismira went into information withdrawal, retiring into her tent and curling up into a fetal position. Her laptop went completely unused for days. Cousin Hassim went into a furious rage, and filled his car with explosives. He drove it to Honest Omar's shop, intent on causing serious mayhem. Fortunately, his car was a 1968 Buick, and it was built so well that the explosives barely put a dent in the upholstery. No harm, no foul.

Cousin Radul, on the other hand, took the loss the hardest. He went into crying hysterics for days, and we finally had to send him away to a day spa on Cyprus. Upon his return, he was doing much better. Radul claims that while at the spa, he slept with Paula Abdul, but we are skeptical. Regardless, he is feeling better and has a nice, even tan.

All seemed lost, including my pay-per-view fortune, until we received a visit from the folks at "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." Having somehow heard of our predicament, they decided it was a good enough sob story to warrant their participation. For two days, Ty Pennington and his crew descended upon our village, not only fixing our huge satellite dish, but painting it light blue with a nice faux-crackle finish. We also now have a sun deck and three-camel garage! It would have been a perfect visit, but then Ty Pennington had to take his shirt off. Now, Ismira is in love!!!

Our connection with the world restored, the last two days have been spent catching up. Ismira hit the Internet, wailing and lamenting at the lost Survivors. First Janu, then Stephenie, and finally her boy-toy Gregg!! She began crying in earnest over the latest loss until she remembered Ty and his "delicious abs." And to make matters even worse, she says, someone named "Boone" died as well! I do not remember which tribe he was on.

Ismira says she can get our missing "Survivor" episodes from the Internet, and has spent all yesterday mumbling about bitrates and something she calls "torrents." I am not sure; the last "torrent" I saw washed through our village, killed three bedouin, and polluted the main water well. Anyway, I wish her luck.

My daughter Azidi now has a clever plan. She is considering making wagers on the episodes with all her classmates. AFTER she has watched the downloaded episodes, of course. Once we show the lost episodes on pay-per-view, she will win all the bets. I told her that was sneaky, dishonest, and that she was taking unfair advantage of those children she calls friends. I am so proud of her! You see, "Survivor" can be a good influence!

And so it is that that my clan is back in business, ready to bring ourselves up to date with this guilty pleasure known as "Survivor: Palau." We have a long-overdue buffet to end all buffets, and Hassim has burned three more effigies just this morning. What twists and turn await us as this season draws to a close? Will Tom and Ian continue to dominate? Will they ever get that darn hatch open? Cousin Radul is showing off the hickey he got from Paula Abdul; let's get started!!

"Survivor: Palau" Episode 13

My family has never been so happy to see the off-color bluish-grey sight of rats gnawing on coconuts as we are today. We cheer for joy as we are greeted by the sight of the rodent-fest that is the Koror camp. Our favorite anti-heroes are trudging back to camp after voting off Gregg. (Now stop crying, Ismira. Remember Ty.) Even more upset than Ismira is poor, clueless Jennifer, who cannot fathom the fact that anyone would consider Gregg a threat. She is shocked, bewildered, mentally at a loss, and totally confused. And now that Gregg is gone, she's even more so. To her credit, she manages to hide her emotions under her well-practiced mask of cheery cluelessness.

While Ian is relieved that they pulled a fast one over on Gregg, he mistakes Jenn's clueless demeanor for a strategic poker face. He is sure that Jennifer has something "up her sleeve." Personally, I do not think she has any room up the sleeves of that bikini top she is wearing; it barely holds the essentials!! Ian is worried about the possibility of a female alliance outnumbering him and Tom. I want to shout at the HDTV that they never should have gotten rid of Stephenie, who would have been loyal! Ian says that if they can make it through the next 24 hours, they will be safe. The PMS always passes.

Day 34: It's Better Strategy If Everyone Tells The SAME Lie

The day starts out early with Tom and Caryn sitting on the beach NOT TALKING STRATEGY. Did you believe that? I don't think the rest of the tribe does, either. Tom is telling Caryn that Katie is out of the Final 3 agreement, and Caryn is now in. His thick New York accent makes it difficult for Caryn to realize that he's chuckling maniacally through the entire discussion. He tells her that he is sure Ian will agree to the arrangement.

Ian, meanwhile, is telling Katie and Jennifer that Caryn needs to be the next one to go. Oops, someone's not comparing notes! The women try to convince Ian that Tom needs to be the next one voted off. Ian, in what will prove to be a recurring problem this episode, begins stuttering and saying he might vote Tom off, but s-s-still w-w-wants C-c-c-carrrryn out.

Back to Tom, still convincing Caryn that she's in a solid position. No stuttering. Tom is a MUCH better liar than Ian. Caryn seems to trust Tom. Excuse me, but has she never watched "Survivor" before? Trust no one!! She truly believes she is in solid with Tom and Ian. She says she is "guardedly optimistic." I know we have missed a few episodes, but I can still smell the decidedly bitter odor of "foreshadowing."

Before this odor can permeate the entire camp, it's time to collect treemail! Tom and Ian collect the message, which hints of food and a good view. Maybe they're heading to that volcano on Vanuatu again! The live one with the weenies, not the dead one with the chicken wings... Regardless, the two men finally stop to compare notes. If one of them should win the reward, they will bring along one of the women, to prevent an all-female alliance from forming in their absence.

Ismira approves of this move; she reports that several players have lost the game at this point because they were away from camp while an alliance was being formed against them. Tom decides that he will take Caryn if he should win. Ian says he will take Katie. Tom is not sure he trusts Katie. Ian is not sure he trusts Caryn. Katie certainly doesn't trust Caryn. Nobody trusts Jennifer. I personally don't trust Radul about the whole Paula Abdul thing. It's like a weird "Honeymooners" episode!!! They eventually decide they will BOTH stay at camp and let Probst take the reward by himself. Ian feels like he's on the edge of a cliff without his parachute. Sorry, Ian, that's "Fear Factor."

At the Reward Challenge, the Survivors see that this time, they're playing for... a big white tent. While they pretend it's just as good a reward as a can of Pringle's, Probst drops the tent to reveal... (close your eyes and envision "The Price Is Right") "A BRAND! NEW!! CAR!!!" (okay, open your eyes again.) It's a shiny, Little Red Corvette! Ismira immediately jumps up and begins imitating "the Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince." I am repulsed, but at the same time strangely intrigued...

Along with the car comes a trip to a fancy mansion atop the highest mountain on the island, where the winner will spend the night. Sorry, no Pringle's. To win today's grand prize, the contestants must hop on unsafe bamboo rafts and paddle out to buoys using only a long stick. Then, they must lean off the raft, untie a canvas bag with a heavy mile marker sign inside. Bring it back while playing bumper-boats with your fellow contestants, also armed with long sticks. Somebody's gonna lose an eye in this one, we just know! When you've collected five, figure out how many miles it is to all the cities that Rob and Amber visited on "The Amazing Race" and still didn't win. Put the right mileage under the right city, and YOU win! (Still sounds like one of those "Price Is Right" games...)

GO!!! They're off!! Well, at least Tom and Ian are. The three women are figuring out which end of the long stick goes in the water. Caryn and Jenn immediately begin playing bumper boats, losing time. Katie has momentum working for her. Wait, I'm sorry; that's AGAINST her. Tom and Ian have their first piece back on shore. Caryn is getting tired. Tom and Ian have two pieces on shore. Katie is going in circles. Caryn and Jenn are busy re-enacting "The Monitor and the Merrimac." Ian and Tom have three pieces on shore. Wait a minute, Jenn has two pieces! How did THAT happen? Whoa, even Caryn has one! Katie has decided to simply poison someone and take THEIR place on a raft.

Ian has 4 pieces, and Tom tries throwing his piece to shore to gain ground. He shoots... he misses! Ian now has all five pieces!!! Katie is catching up; she has her first! (Ooh, that was sarcasm. I have not lost my touch...) Ian unwraps his pieces and quickly figures out that New York is further away than the Koror camp. He puts the mileage signs quickly in their place and wins the reward. He runs to the little red corvette (Ismira, for Allah's sake, stop singing!) and begins embracing and kissing it erotically. This man needs a girlfriend very badly. The good news is, with this car, he might get one!

Probst tosses him the keys, saying "get a room!" Ian slides into the drivers seat, sweaty, smelly body and all, as the CBS leather-cleaning crew winces in disgust. To absolutely no one's surprise, Probst offers him the chance to take someone along for the adventure. We hold our breath. Will he choose Caryn, like Tom suggested? Or will he choose Katie, whom he promised earlier in the game? After a prolonged (well, it seemed that way, at least) agonizing decision, he chooses... Tom? Ismira is shaking her head in disbelief. So is Katie, although it appears she is taking it a bit more personally than Ismira. Well, so much for THAT brilliant plan. Hassim is shouting at the HDTV screen, comparing Ian's mother to a deformed animal of some kind. Not to fear, though; even if Hassim figured out where Ian lives, his 1968 Buick could not make it all the way there.

As the men drive away to go "cruise chicks," the ladies are sent back to camp with lovely parting gifts of... well, nothing. I am thinking Ian just made a serious mistake.

Like any man out cruising chicks, Ian is not thinking about the girl he left behind. He and Tom are enjoying the buffet of food that awaits them at the mansion atop the mountain. They relax on the veranda, sipping champange and wondering if they should bring home chicken bones for the women to suck on. Tom, while happy to be here, realizes that they must work hard on Katie now to bring her back into their alliance. Ian says he will work to soothe Katie's irritation. As a man with a harem to constantly attend, let me just say this: I do NOT want to be Ian right about now.

Sure enough, Ian is not a very popular man back at the Koror campsite that evening. Katie is venting her frustration by chopping coconuts, pretending they are Ian's head. Or perhaps some other body part. Seeing her vulnerability, Caryn begins cross-examination. She gets Katie to admit that she had a Final Three agreement with Tom and Ian. Both Caryn and Jennifer are shocked to hear this. Caryn, because she thought SHE had an agreement. Jenn, because she never considered getting into an ALLIANCE with someone. What a cool idea; someone could win the game with a concept like that!

Katie is angry that the women didn't band together to eliminate the men when the Survivor count was at 7. Again, the booting of Stephenie is coming back to haunt them. Is Stephenie the ONLY one who saw this coming? Katie suggests that the women team up now to kick out Tom or Ian, whichever doesn't win the next Immunity. Why didn't Tom or Ian forsee this and prevent the women from getting together? Oh, never mind; I am getting hoarse from shouting at the television screen.

The women all readily agree to this new plan, but Caryn tells us privately that she is unsure. If she goes with the women, she will be in the Final Three, against two opponents who really stink at challenges. If she goes with the men, she will be in the Final Three against two men who have won more challenges than Colby and Rupert put together. She can't make up her mind. Ismira simply puts her head in her hands, while Hassim begins firing up his lighter.

Day 35: Honesty Is Important: Fake THAT, And You've Got It Made

Early the next morning, Tom and Ian are walking down the beach back to camp. I did not realize the mansion was within walking distance! The corvette is in the shop getting detailed (Ian wanted spinners.) The others are asleep, but Caryn is waiting for them. Tom is expecting his usual "here's what they said about you" report from Caryn, but instead, she launches into full lawyer mode and begins questioning Ian about the Final Three agreement. Ian's s-s-stutering p-p-p-problem kicks in again as he tries to bluff and convince Caryn she's solid. Azidi says she wants to play poker one day with Ian; she would get rich!

Caryn, of course, doesn't buy it, and storms off. Tom slaps Ian upside the head, and says that Ian must work on Katie even harder, because they just lost Caryn. Ian says, "Really? I thought I was convincing!" SMACK!!! Upside the head again.

Undaunted, Ian eventually convinces Katie to talk with him alone on the beach. She is angry for him breaking his word and not letting HER sweat on his new leather car seats. Poor Ian is obviously not very good with women, and stutters his way through an apology. Getting on his knees, he begs for forgiveness, offering to wash her underwear for a year if she will forgive him. He made a mistake, he's so sorry, he'll never do it again, it was just a one-night stand with Tom, it meant nothing! Katie says she's not sure; they had an agreement, and he broke it.

At this point, Ismira hits the "pause" button on the Tivo, and informs us that she learned that just last week, KATIE planned to betray Tom and Ian and go with Gregg and Jenn to the Final Three! It was only through a shrewd act of gameplay that Tom and Ian forced her back onto their side. Armed with this new information, we now boo, hiss, and throw cous-cous at the television screen as Katie continues to whine. Eventually, however, Ian's embarrasing groveling manages to soothe Katie's anger, and the two hug and make up. Ian skips back to camp, whispering, "Cha-ching!!!"

Day 36: Good Cop, Bad Cop... Okay, Maybe Just Bad Cop

Tom and Caryn are off to collect tree mail as as day 36 begins. Tom is trying to get information out of Caryn. How is Katie doing? Is she back on our side? What does she really want for her birthday? Does she prefer flowers or candy? Wait, that was an easy one... candy! Caryn is not talking. She tells us that she is confident in the strength of the women's alliance. Just yesterday, she was confident in the alliance with Tom and Ian. We all know what this sort of indecision means...

The tree mail hints of a challenge involving memory and agility. "Uh oh" for the guys. Tom's next move is to reinforce Katie's loyalty to the Empire. Breathing heavily, he tells Katie that if she votes against them tonight, she will be executed. Katie says that wasn't part of the deal. Tom says, "I am altering our deal. Pray I don't alter it any further. Oh, and by the way... I... Am... Your... Father..." Katie doesn't like being strongarmed like this, at least not without dinner and a movie first. And there's no way in Hades that Tom is her father; they don't even have the same last name!!

Ian is not comfortable with Tom's new approach, either, and wonders what Tom is becoming. He ponders whether he should battle Tom in a spectacular, special-effects-laden fight and force him into a huge lava pit, but decides it would just be too messy. This is "Survivor," not "Parcheesi." That's right, Ian; in Parcheesi, there are RULES!!

With no further ado (there has already been too much ado already), we are at the Immunity Challenge. Today, it's a series of swinging bridges and floating platforms that Jeff Probst copied from an "Indiana Jones" movie. I look, but I fail to see a huge, rolling stone ball. The Survivors must race across the obstacles, then memorize the positions of tiles on a grid. Then race back and re-create the tile pattern at their home base. Then race back and memorize more tiles, praying that Probst hasn't changed their tiles back home. Then race back and forth a few times to figure which tiles they've screwed up. If, by random chance, someone actually gets the pattern right, they can have Immunity. If not, Probst will give it to Julie Berry.

At the word GO!!, Katie and Caryn fall off the first rope bridge. Actually, Katie gets tangled in the web-like ropes and spends the rest of the contest waiting for Shelob to come and eat her. Tom and Ian race across and memorize a few pieces, then head back. Jennifer makes it across and starts memorizing the entire board. We'll see which strategy pays off. Tom and Ian (why are these two always together?) have made a second trip and have more pieces in place. Jennifer is still burning the images into her brain. Tom and Ian have made a third trip, but Tom falls as Ian makes it back. Ian finishes the board and shows it to Probst, who just laughs. He must go back. Tom finishes the board, but is also wrong and has to go back and check. Jennifer is back putting pieces in place, but can't figure out why it isn't spelling anything.

Ian makes it back and rearranges his board. Probst keeps laughing. Darn it! Tom, after a couple of nasty falls that make him forget what it was he was looking for, eventually makes it back and makes a few corrections. Caryn is now crawling on her hands and knees. Katie is wrapped in a thick, white binding waiting for orcs to come and pick her up. Probst checks Tom's board again and proclaims Tom the winner!!! Everyone applauds for Tom except Katie, who can't move.

Back at camp, Tom is understandably relieved. He knows, though, that Ian may be going home if the women decide to stick together. Even now, Ian is still apologizing to Katie. I'll be good, he promises. I'll even go to counseling with you! Whatever you want, dear! Katie will make no promises. My clan is still booing and throwing food items at the television. Radul says that Ian is "whipped," but I have no idea what this means. To me, they ALL look tired.

Caryn is unsure about how Katie will vote. Caryn knows she might be in danger herself if Katie votes the wrong way. Well, Caryn, maybe you should, oh I don't know... DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF JUST SITTING THERE?

Thank Allah, it is time for Tribal Council. Probst introduces the jury, including recently departed Gregg. Gregg winks at Jennifer, holding his hand to the side of his head and mouthing the words, "Call me." Probst dives right into the fray between Katie and Ian. Ian, why did you do such a stupid thing? Katie, you're really really really really mad, right? Ian k-k-k-k-keeps ap-ap-ap-ap-p-p-pologizing. This is getting painful to watch.

However, it is at this moment that Caryn decides to do something about her predicament. Unfortunately, she has picked the worst possible time and place. She suddenly begins venting about how she is tired of all the lying. Ian is lying about the final two agreement, Tom is lying when he said she ratted the girls out, Probst was lying when he said there would be hot showers, and her hairstylist was lying when she said ALL the women would be wearing their hair like this!

Tom and Ian try telling the truth, but Caryn will have none of it. She doesn't want to think she did anything wrong, and can't fathom that someone would actually LIE in the game of "Survivor!" Jennifer is wisely keeping her mouth shut as Caryn quickly digs her own grave. Katie is now confused, and doesn't know what to think. Probst assures her that's just a side effect from the spider poison.

Before Katie can throw up, it's time to vote. We see Caryn voting for Ian, and we see Ian voting for Caryn. No surprises there. After Caryn's outburst, I'll bet everyone wants her gone!

And I am right. When the votes are read, it's 4-1 and big-mouth Caryn is going home. If only she had tried to side WITH Tom and Ian, she'd probably still be in the game. Hey, fourth place is better than fifth place and looking like an idiot, right? Without a word to her tribemates, Caryn heads down the dark path to oblivion.

We can breathe now!!! Next week (actually, in just a few days), the Final Four slit each other's throats for the grand prize. We see much boozing, and we also see Ian confessing to Tom that he told the girls he would vote Tom out. Wait a minute... Are Ian and Katie really brother and sister and Tom is father of them BOTH? I can't wait!!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com

Posted by sgdiii at May 12, 2005 01:00 PM