May 17, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Finale: "Let's Blow This Thing And Go Home!"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Is it finale time already? All the weeks of watching, and now it comes down to this? How will we amuse ourselves without whiny, pampered Americans to make fun of? We will finally have to go back to our sheep-tending, camel-trading, and marketplace drudgery! Cousin Radul will have to keep us entertained with his one-man version of "Forever, Patsy Cline!" For now, however, be of good cheer. Honest Achmed and clan are here to close out another exciting season of "Survivor!"
We have finally caught up to date from the mishap wrought from Honest Omar. Ismira managed to locate all the "Survivor" episodes we missed while our antenna was not working. Using her internet prowess, Ismira soon provided us with freshly-burned DVDs of each episode and we had an all-night marathon with lots of Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew. It was certainly enlightening.
We watched Janu quit, after a seventeen-hour Tribal Council. We cried as Stephenie was voted out. And everyone except Ismira laughed as Gregg was blindsided. We booed as Katie tried to backstab her friends, and we cheered as Tom and Ian turned the tables on her. Food and Arabic curses were flying across our tent all night. Now we feel whole again!
To make up for lost revenue from "Honest Achmed's Pay-per-view," I had a brilliant idea. After we watched the DVDs, I took them to the village square and began to auction them publicly. A crowd of hundreds quickly gathered around my camel, and the bidding war commenced. Within minutes, townspeople desperate for the lost episodes had raised the selling price far beyond my wildest expectations. When all was said and done, our favorite female shiek had bid over one hundred thousand denarii for the DVDs!! I am now the second most wealthy businessman in our village!!
Moving right along as I count my new profits, it is time for our family's final awards of the season. Ismira's Strategic Award goes to Jennifer this week, for simply keeping her mouth shut at Tribal Council. With all the alliances floating around last week, she was not in any of them. Still, she managed to keep quiet while Caryn self-destructed.
Radul's "Diva of the Week" must go to Katie, because of her tremendous performance as "the woman scorned." She batted her eyes and boo-hooed to the point where she had Ian prostrate on the beach, begging for forgiveness. In doing so, she made everyone forget how SHE wanted to betray the alliance a few days before. Diva, diva, diva!!!!
My "Dumbest American Move" this week, obviously, goes to Caryn. Being the lone vote in a group of five should be a very strategic place to be in, but Caryn couldn't pretend to commit to either side. A note to Caryn; next time, LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH! On top of that, her explosion at Tribal Council all but assured her ouster.
Cousin Hassim's "Cruellest Son-of-a-djinn" award goes to Tom, for his overbearing threatening of Katie to guarantee her vote. Granted, by Hassim's standards, it was pretty lame, but it was a change of pace for Dudley Do-right the fireman!
As this final episode approaches, my family members have placed their bets on who will be the Sole Survivor. We have all placed a week's wages in a basket, and the winner will take all! I only realized later how unfair this was; while I am making a fortune, Cousin Radul works for 2 denarii and a box of Twinkies a week! Even Azidi earns more than he does!! Hassim threw in a box of fresh mortar shells, just for good measure.
I have chosen Tom as the winner, for I believe the jurors will respect his solid game play. Ismira and Azidi like Ian, because he is the only man left close to their age. This is not Ismira's usual strategy for selecting a winner, but her laptop has been busy downloading episodes and she cannot run her usual calculations.
Cousin Radul wants Katie to win it all, because she is the only true drama queen left in the game. He can't wait to see her cry and roll around on the floor if she wins the million dollars. Hassim, on the other hand, firmly believes there will be one final twist, and that Wanda will return, singing incessantly until they give her the money just to shut her up. I think we can safely rule THAT out.
And here we go!! Who will come this far, only to have their dreams shattered? Who will leave the game bitter and broken? Will Ian ever bathe again? An immense forture (and a box of mortar shells) sits in the center of our tent, ready to be claimed; let's get started!!!
The beginning of the end begins on Day 37. No more nightvision!! Well, for a few minutes, anyway. The Final Four are waking up to a new day, wondering who will eventually be crowned Lord of the Rats. Katie is glad Caryn erupted like a volcano last night, because it shows everyone that Ian betrayed her. WARNING: Denial meter overload!! Does Katie not think that this is exactly what she was going to do to Tom and Ian? I'll bet she thinks she got this far in the game on her survival skills, too.
Ian knows he took some hits last night at Tribal Council, but is okay with it. Now that he looks like a semi-bad guy, Tom is now the target. Ian feels good! Yes, loyal fans, denial is running rampant at the Koror Camp.
But enough psychoalanyzation; Tom and Ian are cooking clams for breakfast! As they stir the chowder, they hear a bloodcurdling scream from the forest. Hoping that something terrible has befallen the females and they can avoid the last two Tribal Councils, the men rush into the jungle. To their dismay, the women are alive and crying over an ice chest of breakfast food and booze. Like true survivors, these folks immediately pop open the booze and begin guzzling. They celebrate by screaming, hugging, and doing the "cabbage patch" all the way back to camp.
After a decadent breakfast courtesy of CBS, Tom goes into the jungle to purge. Ian, trying to impress the ladies, lounges in the hammock and brags about how Tom "is the homey goin' DOWN!" while making appropriate rap gestures. If Ian wins immunity, Tom is history. The women bow down and begin chanting "We're not worthy... We're not worthy!" Privately, Ian tells us that if TOM wins immunity, he will continue the tribal tradition of buttocks-smooching. A wise move, but I am thinking if Tom gets wind of this, he will lift Ian by the throat, say "You disappoint me," and leave him in a dead, crumpled heap on the ground.
Before Ian can do anything else stupid, we arrive at today's Immunity challenge. Waiting for them is another BRAND! NEW!! CAR!!! But wait, this time Probst is just taunting them. They get to smell the car, but that's all. This car will go to the winner of the entire game. Oh, and by the way, you can't have the million-dollar check that's in the glove compartment, either. Katie tries to slip it into her pocket anyway, figuring she can forge Les Moonves' signature when she gets home.
Today's challenge is an exercise in confusion. Ready? You will be tied to a rope. The ropes are tangled with each other. They go through tires. YOU will go through tires. Get the key rings you find. Wind your way to this mysterious tower that suddenly appeared in the Palauan jungle and unlock three locks. Climb up to find more ropes. These ropes have been tied by a Japanese bondage master. Untie them without hanging yourself. Climb up to find a huge Palauan fishhook. Swing it at your opponent. No, wait, sorry; use it to snag 4 ladder rungs on the ground. We forgot to tell you about those, and you passed them by. Build a ladder to the next level, even though Ian could scale it in one step. The first two players to raise a surrender flag on the top level move on to the second round. Confused? So are we. GO!!!
Everyone takes off. Everyone, that is, except Katie, who can't fit through the first tire. Too much clam chowder! Tom, Ian, and Jenn snake their way through the tires and ropes, quickly gathering the rusted key rings. Tetanus alert! As always, Tom pulls out to a slight lead. As always, Katie is so far back that Probst has forgotten about her.
Tom is through the ropes. Ian is through the ropes. Jen is through the ropes. Katie is through the first tire! Tom unlocks the three bars and continues. Ian and Jenn soon finish the bars. Katie wishes she was drinking at a bar. Tom is working through the knots. Ian is working through the knots. Katie is working through self-esteem issues. Tom, Ian, and Jenn are up to the grappling hooks. Katie has stopped at IHOP for the "Palau Pile O' Pancakes." Tom and Ian quickly retreive the ladder rungs using the hooks, while Jennifer realizes this is WAY too much like fishing and simply stares at the hook in her hand. Sure enough, that strategy doesn't work HERE, either, and she is out of the game. Tom and Ian race to the top of the tower and advance to the next round!
The next round involves sliding down a rope all the way back to where Katie is, and getting a bag of numbered tiles. Put the numbers in correct order, and it opens a combination lock and gets you a flag. Hoist the flag, and you're in the Final Three! That is, unless you do something stupid like giving your Immunity away at Tribal Council.
GO!! Ian and Tom slide down the ropes and grab the bags at the same time. They both dump their bags and begin working. Tom's numbers are 1, 45, and 13, and he starts arranging. Ian looks at his numbers: 4, 5, 15, 16, 23, and 42. He panics and realizes that he is a cursed man. Tom figures out his combination, gets the flag, and this challenge is over!! Probst hands the necklace back to Tom, turns to the others, and begins singing "Hit The Road, Jack."
At camp later that day, Tom is preparing Jennifer for slaughter. He tells her it's nothing personal, he just made a promise to Ian and Katie. Oh yeah, and to Gregg too, but we'll just forget about that one, okay? Ian opens his mouth and prepares his foot as he says he doesn't know what he would have done in Tom's position. Tom finds this an odd comment; after all, everyone is supposed to abide by their agreements until Tom votes them off, right?
Jenn jumps at the opportunity to point a finger at someone other than herself. She tells Tom that Ian planned on voting him out. The truth; what an interesting strategy! Unfortunately, it's a strategy that rarely works on "Survivor." Tom is infuriated by this revelation, and immediately confronts Ian. Ian s-s-stutters ag-ag-ag-ag-again, f-f-f-f-fi-fi-fi-fin-n-nally admitting that he did indeed say that to Katie and Jenn. So either he lied to Katie or he lied to Tom; either way, it's bad news. Azidi says, "Dolphin-boy is SO screwed." Azidi, watch your language!!! However, I believe she is exactly right.
Late into the night, they finally arrive at Tribal Council. Probst wonders what happened. Katie says it took three hours to pry Tom's fingers from around Ian's throat. Tom relates how Ian tried to betray him before he got a chance to betray Ian. Ian tries to defend himself, but nobody can understand him through the stuttering. As Ian drops to his knees and begins begging for mercy, Jenn is happy with the turn of events.
Katie, however, is unhappy that Ian's antics are pulling the attention away from HER. Diva till the end! She taunts Ian that she will vote against him, and then it's time to vote. Bye-bye, dolphin-boy!! Ismira and Azidi are about to lose their chance at our basket of money! I am home free!
The votes are read, and to my surprise, it's a 2-2 tie between Ian and Jenn! Tom voted for Ian, but Katie didn't! Probst says, "try again, morons,' and they give it another shot. Still 2-2. Isn't it late enough already? Thinking quickly, Probst orders Ian and Jennifer over to the fire barrels left over from Stephenie and Bobby Jon. The first person to light a fire and burn through a string can stay and starve with rats. The loser gets a warm bed, gourmet meal, and a hot shower. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. I am upset at this challenge, though; Jennifer can start a fire with about as much skill as Ismira!
Sure enough, Ian quickly builds a fire and his piece of twine is history. So is Jennifer. Probst snuffs her torch, and the pert little blonde heads down the path toward an ice cream sundae. Probst sends the others back to kiss and make up. I am not sure that is going to happen.
Once again, I am correct. Back at Camp Ratopia, Katie and Tom continue to browbeat Ian until he is a blubbering mass laying by the campfire. Katie does a fantastic job of "shifting the blame" by lambasting Ian for his conspiracy against Tom when SHE was a part of it, too! They try well into the wee hours of the morning to make Ian confess to his crime. Tom requests that they turn the cameras off like they did for Janu so he can beat a confession out of Ian, but the CBS producers won't allow it. Grumping, Tom goes to bed.
It's daylight again, and Ian is still sitting crying by the fire. Katie tries to console him by saying that even you're a rotten, stinking, filthy, cheating, no-good, backstabbing 9-foot-tall liar, would you please still take me to the Final Two with you? It doesn't cheer Ian up, so he leaves to get treemail. Along the way, he cries some more about how he didn't want to be the bad guy. Note to Ian: In "Survivor," EVERYONE is a bad guy! Pardon me, but his whiny Americanness is showing through.
The treemail says to paddle out to a secret island and collect the burnt-out torches of all the Survivors that have been eliminated. The CBS producers have hidden them under a rock arch out of view of the spyplanes of Dan Bollinger so he couldn't zoom in on the nameplates and figure out who was eliminated and then tell mersaydeez. At least that's what Ismira says. Anyway, they are to grab the torches and throw them into the lagoon, saying something not-too-catty about each contestant while further polluting Palau's marine ecosystem.
The three last castaways eventually find the torches, but realize that they have no idea who most of these people were. As they throw the torches overboard, they do the best they can. They remember "The Really Scary Black Chick, the Girl With The Huge Boobs, Coconut Boy, Tall Lazy Blonde Chick, Disgruntled Postal Worker, Tatooed Freak Lady, The Redneck, Token Black Muslim Guy, Mr. Snotrockets, The Gay Hairdresser, The Stripper That Quit, She-Who-Cried-To-Stay-In-The-Game, That Guy We Backstabbed And Blindsided, The Blabbermouth Lawyer, and That Guy We Backstabbed And Blindsided's Girlfriend."
One ridding the canoe of all the excess ballast, the trio finally discover Probst floating on a dock in the middle of the lagoon. Nearby are three floating buoys. Probst welcomes them and explains the challenge. "Stand on the buoys." And you thought it was going to be complicated, didn't you? They begin!! The next 12 hours are the longest in Survivor History.
To make the challenge marginally more interesting, Probst first orders up some wind to knock the Survivors off their perches. That doesn't work. Next, he tries rain. Still nothing. The Survivors have gone into a trance-like state. Jeff asks if any of them are ready to come down. Collectively, they say "Bite Me!" After 4 hours, they are still hanging on. Probst orders a bottle of champagne and settles in for a long night.
At 5 hours, Katie decides she has had enough. Once she is certain that Probst isn't going to offer anyone beer, pizza, or drugs, she leaps off her buoy and climbs up onto the dock. It's down to Ian and Tom, who are fast asleep. 7 hours go by, then 8. This is already the longest challenge in Survivor history. Tom wakes up and offers Ian a deal. If Ian jumps, Tom will take him to the Final Two. If he DOESN'T jump, Tom will hold Ian's head underwater until he drowns. Ian refuses the deal, thankful that Tom cannot reach him at the moment.
At almost the twelve hour mark, Ian has formulated a brilliant plan that will solve everyone's problems. If Probst will give him a pistol, he will commit suicide. Tom approves of this idea, but I think Ian was just kidding. His REAL idea is even more hare-brained. Despite the fact that he has been hanging onto this pole for half a day, he will jump off if Tom promises NOT to take him to the Final Two. Yeah, that's WAY better than Tom's idea!
Tom is no fool. He quickly agrees to the idea before Ian becomes sober again, and Ian swan-dives into the water. Tom is the winner!! Climbing onto the dock, Tom decides to eliminate Ian right then and there, with no Tribal Council. Probst agrees to dispose of Ian's body, while Tom and Katie head back to camp.
Tom and Katie decide to sleep in late, because the only thing on the agenda before Tribal Council is the ceremonial torching of the camp. Both players are worried that the jury members might not like them. For Tom, it's just paranioa. For Katie, reality is beginning to set in. She plans on telling the Jury how hard she worked, how evil Tom really was, and how she deserves to win. Okay, maybe reality isn't quite setting back in yet.
Katie and Tom secretely decide to steal several items from camp before the CBS vultures confiscate everything for sale on e-bay. They each pack up a basket of souvenirs, then burn the picnic table. Torching the entire shelter would certainly bring the Palauan EPA down on them, and besides, they can leave it in place for "All-Stars 2." The Survivors take a moment to reminisce about all the fish, the clams, and Mary Ann's coconut cream pie. Then, it's into the canoe and off to the final Tribal Council.
A
t Tribal Council, Probst explains the rules. First, each player has a chance to grovel and beg for the jury's vote. Then, they will have to endure endless verbal abuse by 7 people who couldn't play the game well enough to be in the Final Two. Once the jury has finished embarrassing themselves, it's time to grovel and beg for their vote one last time.
Tom begins by saying that he played hard. If he hurt anybody, it was really Ian's fault for lying to him. The jury seems to buy it. Katie makes her case that she hid behind Tom the entire game. I'm sorry; I thought she was supposed to be CONVINCING the jury! After this nonsense, it's time for the jury's questions, comments, and rants. It goes something like this...
Coby: Tom, you're a better liar than me. Katie, you're worthless. Katie and Tom both make faces at Coby.
Gregg: Tom, you broke our alliance! Katie, you're worthless. Tom: I broke our alliance because Ian lied. Katie: But I rode Tom's coattails, that should count for something!
Stephenie: Tom, why didn't you take ME to the Final Two? Oh, and Katie... you're worthless. Tom: I kept you until Ian lied to me. Katie: Can't anybody say anything nice about me?
Janu: Tom, did you compromise your integrity? Katie, describe yourself without using the word "worthless." Tom: My integrity is fine; Ian lied. Katie is sobbing.
Caryn: Tom, what was I to you? Katie, why should I vote for you, other than the fact that you're worthless? Tom: You were a pawn to do my bidding. Bwahahahaha! But Ian lied. Katie: Can I just leave now?
Jenn: Tom, you're a male chauvinistic pig. Katie, what was I going to say? Oh, yes... you're worthless. Tom: Thanks for the compliment. But at least I'm not a liar like Ian.
Ian: Tom & Katie, why should I NOT vote for you? Katie: Ooh, ooh, I know this one! Because I'm worthless! Tom: Because my best friend out here was a liar.
Before this can go on all night, it's time for closing remarks. Tom thanks the jury members for their time, and says that he was just being himself, and not a liar like Ian. Katie simply moons the jury box. And with that image forever burned into our retinas, it's time to vote. We see Coby voting for Katie and saying something very catty. Sorry, Coby, no "Diva" award next week! All the other votes are hidden from our view. I tell my family that they are all for Tom as I begin to reach for the money basket in the center of the tent. Ismira swats my hand away.
Probst gets the votes, but there is no tallying to be done tonight. Cruel son-of-a-djinn that he is, Probst is going to make them wait three months for the results. Now, go take showers!!! Our beloved host takes the voting box and heads into the jungle...
Only to emerge just next door at David Letterman's theater! Had the contestants known it was so close by, they could have listened to Dave's monologues every night instead of James' snoring!! Probst greets the Survivors, who all look fed and well-rested after receiving conjugal visits from their loved ones. He begins to read the votes. TOM. Much cheering. KATIE. A little cheering. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. TOM. Tom wins!!!!!!
As Tom rushes off the stage to hug his wife and kids, another wonderful season draws to a close. It has been an honor once again to be with you this season, and thank all of you for inviting my dysfunctional family into your computer each week. We look forward to "Survivor: Guatemala" this fall. Wait a minute... Probst has just announced that CBS is accepting more applications for upcoming Survivors. Ismira, get the video camera! We have work to do!! See you in Guatemala!!!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
May 12, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 13: "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Dumped For A Firefighter"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Curse you, Honest Omar!! May your lineage be striken with large noses, acute acne, and varicose veins!! I must apologize for being out of contact these past few weeks, but it is not of my own doing. Things in my village have been in turmoil since the latest antics of my fiercest business competitor, Honest Omar. Heavy sigh... Where do I even begin?
It all began when Honest Omar decided he wanted some of my incredible profits from "Honest Achmed's Pay-Per-View" of Survivor. Too miserly to obtain his own satellite dish, Omar decided to illegally tap off of mine and begin supplying viewers with "Survivor" for a lower price! Late one night, he snuck to my antenna and began working on it with a pair of pliers and a ginsu knife. I am betting you can guess what happened next...
The satellite dish shorted out, smoke began billowing up like an oil well on fire, and our link with the outside world disappeared! No television, no Internet connection, no telephone, but most of all, no "Survivor!" My village immediately went into a panic. Riots in the streets, looting (not MY shop, thankfully), and camel dung in the streets! When word got out, Honest Omar was a wanted man. The last I heard, he went into hiding somewhere in the mountains of Pakistan.
Ismira went into information withdrawal, retiring into her tent and curling up into a fetal position. Her laptop went completely unused for days. Cousin Hassim went into a furious rage, and filled his car with explosives. He drove it to Honest Omar's shop, intent on causing serious mayhem. Fortunately, his car was a 1968 Buick, and it was built so well that the explosives barely put a dent in the upholstery. No harm, no foul.
Cousin Radul, on the other hand, took the loss the hardest. He went into crying hysterics for days, and we finally had to send him away to a day spa on Cyprus. Upon his return, he was doing much better. Radul claims that while at the spa, he slept with Paula Abdul, but we are skeptical. Regardless, he is feeling better and has a nice, even tan.
All seemed lost, including my pay-per-view fortune, until we received a visit from the folks at "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." Having somehow heard of our predicament, they decided it was a good enough sob story to warrant their participation. For two days, Ty Pennington and his crew descended upon our village, not only fixing our huge satellite dish, but painting it light blue with a nice faux-crackle finish. We also now have a sun deck and three-camel garage! It would have been a perfect visit, but then Ty Pennington had to take his shirt off. Now, Ismira is in love!!!
Our connection with the world restored, the last two days have been spent catching up. Ismira hit the Internet, wailing and lamenting at the lost Survivors. First Janu, then Stephenie, and finally her boy-toy Gregg!! She began crying in earnest over the latest loss until she remembered Ty and his "delicious abs." And to make matters even worse, she says, someone named "Boone" died as well! I do not remember which tribe he was on.
Ismira says she can get our missing "Survivor" episodes from the Internet, and has spent all yesterday mumbling about bitrates and something she calls "torrents." I am not sure; the last "torrent" I saw washed through our village, killed three bedouin, and polluted the main water well. Anyway, I wish her luck.
My daughter Azidi now has a clever plan. She is considering making wagers on the episodes with all her classmates. AFTER she has watched the downloaded episodes, of course. Once we show the lost episodes on pay-per-view, she will win all the bets. I told her that was sneaky, dishonest, and that she was taking unfair advantage of those children she calls friends. I am so proud of her! You see, "Survivor" can be a good influence!
And so it is that that my clan is back in business, ready to bring ourselves up to date with this guilty pleasure known as "Survivor: Palau." We have a long-overdue buffet to end all buffets, and Hassim has burned three more effigies just this morning. What twists and turn await us as this season draws to a close? Will Tom and Ian continue to dominate? Will they ever get that darn hatch open? Cousin Radul is showing off the hickey he got from Paula Abdul; let's get started!!
My family has never been so happy to see the off-color bluish-grey sight of rats gnawing on coconuts as we are today. We cheer for joy as we are greeted by the sight of the rodent-fest that is the Koror camp. Our favorite anti-heroes are trudging back to camp after voting off Gregg. (Now stop crying, Ismira. Remember Ty.) Even more upset than Ismira is poor, clueless Jennifer, who cannot fathom the fact that anyone would consider Gregg a threat. She is shocked, bewildered, mentally at a loss, and totally confused. And now that Gregg is gone, she's even more so. To her credit, she manages to hide her emotions under her well-practiced mask of cheery cluelessness.
While Ian is relieved that they pulled a fast one over on Gregg, he mistakes Jenn's clueless demeanor for a strategic poker face. He is sure that Jennifer has something "up her sleeve." Personally, I do not think she has any room up the sleeves of that bikini top she is wearing; it barely holds the essentials!! Ian is worried about the possibility of a female alliance outnumbering him and Tom. I want to shout at the HDTV that they never should have gotten rid of Stephenie, who would have been loyal! Ian says that if they can make it through the next 24 hours, they will be safe. The PMS always passes.
The day starts out early with Tom and Caryn sitting on the beach NOT TALKING STRATEGY. Did you believe that? I don't think the rest of the tribe does, either. Tom is telling Caryn that Katie is out of the Final 3 agreement, and Caryn is now in. His thick New York accent makes it difficult for Caryn to realize that he's chuckling maniacally through the entire discussion. He tells her that he is sure Ian will agree to the arrangement.
Ian, meanwhile, is telling Katie and Jennifer that Caryn needs to be the next one to go. Oops, someone's not comparing notes! The women try to convince Ian that Tom needs to be the next one voted off. Ian, in what will prove to be a recurring problem this episode, begins stuttering and saying he might vote Tom off, but s-s-still w-w-wants C-c-c-carrrryn out.
Back to Tom, still convincing Caryn that she's in a solid position. No stuttering. Tom is a MUCH better liar than Ian. Caryn seems to trust Tom. Excuse me, but has she never watched "Survivor" before? Trust no one!! She truly believes she is in solid with Tom and Ian. She says she is "guardedly optimistic." I know we have missed a few episodes, but I can still smell the decidedly bitter odor of "foreshadowing."
Before this odor can permeate the entire camp, it's time to collect treemail! Tom and Ian collect the message, which hints of food and a good view. Maybe they're heading to that volcano on Vanuatu again! The live one with the weenies, not the dead one with the chicken wings... Regardless, the two men finally stop to compare notes. If one of them should win the reward, they will bring along one of the women, to prevent an all-female alliance from forming in their absence.
Ismira approves of this move; she reports that several players have lost the game at this point because they were away from camp while an alliance was being formed against them. Tom decides that he will take Caryn if he should win. Ian says he will take Katie. Tom is not sure he trusts Katie. Ian is not sure he trusts Caryn. Katie certainly doesn't trust Caryn. Nobody trusts Jennifer. I personally don't trust Radul about the whole Paula Abdul thing. It's like a weird "Honeymooners" episode!!! They eventually decide they will BOTH stay at camp and let Probst take the reward by himself. Ian feels like he's on the edge of a cliff without his parachute. Sorry, Ian, that's "Fear Factor."
At the Reward Challenge, the Survivors see that this time, they're playing for... a big white tent. While they pretend it's just as good a reward as a can of Pringle's, Probst drops the tent to reveal... (close your eyes and envision "The Price Is Right") "A BRAND! NEW!! CAR!!!" (okay, open your eyes again.) It's a shiny, Little Red Corvette! Ismira immediately jumps up and begins imitating "the Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince." I am repulsed, but at the same time strangely intrigued...
Along with the car comes a trip to a fancy mansion atop the highest mountain on the island, where the winner will spend the night. Sorry, no Pringle's. To win today's grand prize, the contestants must hop on unsafe bamboo rafts and paddle out to buoys using only a long stick. Then, they must lean off the raft, untie a canvas bag with a heavy mile marker sign inside. Bring it back while playing bumper-boats with your fellow contestants, also armed with long sticks. Somebody's gonna lose an eye in this one, we just know! When you've collected five, figure out how many miles it is to all the cities that Rob and Amber visited on "The Amazing Race" and still didn't win. Put the right mileage under the right city, and YOU win! (Still sounds like one of those "Price Is Right" games...)
GO!!! They're off!! Well, at least Tom and Ian are. The three women are figuring out which end of the long stick goes in the water. Caryn and Jenn immediately begin playing bumper boats, losing time. Katie has momentum working for her. Wait, I'm sorry; that's AGAINST her. Tom and Ian have their first piece back on shore. Caryn is getting tired. Tom and Ian have two pieces on shore. Katie is going in circles. Caryn and Jenn are busy re-enacting "The Monitor and the Merrimac." Ian and Tom have three pieces on shore. Wait a minute, Jenn has two pieces! How did THAT happen? Whoa, even Caryn has one! Katie has decided to simply poison someone and take THEIR place on a raft.
Ian has 4 pieces, and Tom tries throwing his piece to shore to gain ground. He shoots... he misses! Ian now has all five pieces!!! Katie is catching up; she has her first! (Ooh, that was sarcasm. I have not lost my touch...) Ian unwraps his pieces and quickly figures out that New York is further away than the Koror camp. He puts the mileage signs quickly in their place and wins the reward. He runs to the little red corvette (Ismira, for Allah's sake, stop singing!) and begins embracing and kissing it erotically. This man needs a girlfriend very badly. The good news is, with this car, he might get one!
Probst tosses him the keys, saying "get a room!" Ian slides into the drivers seat, sweaty, smelly body and all, as the CBS leather-cleaning crew winces in disgust. To absolutely no one's surprise, Probst offers him the chance to take someone along for the adventure. We hold our breath. Will he choose Caryn, like Tom suggested? Or will he choose Katie, whom he promised earlier in the game? After a prolonged (well, it seemed that way, at least) agonizing decision, he chooses... Tom? Ismira is shaking her head in disbelief. So is Katie, although it appears she is taking it a bit more personally than Ismira. Well, so much for THAT brilliant plan. Hassim is shouting at the HDTV screen, comparing Ian's mother to a deformed animal of some kind. Not to fear, though; even if Hassim figured out where Ian lives, his 1968 Buick could not make it all the way there.
As the men drive away to go "cruise chicks," the ladies are sent back to camp with lovely parting gifts of... well, nothing. I am thinking Ian just made a serious mistake.
Like any man out cruising chicks, Ian is not thinking about the girl he left behind. He and Tom are enjoying the buffet of food that awaits them at the mansion atop the mountain. They relax on the veranda, sipping champange and wondering if they should bring home chicken bones for the women to suck on. Tom, while happy to be here, realizes that they must work hard on Katie now to bring her back into their alliance. Ian says he will work to soothe Katie's irritation. As a man with a harem to constantly attend, let me just say this: I do NOT want to be Ian right about now.
Sure enough, Ian is not a very popular man back at the Koror campsite that evening. Katie is venting her frustration by chopping coconuts, pretending they are Ian's head. Or perhaps some other body part. Seeing her vulnerability, Caryn begins cross-examination. She gets Katie to admit that she had a Final Three agreement with Tom and Ian. Both Caryn and Jennifer are shocked to hear this. Caryn, because she thought SHE had an agreement. Jenn, because she never considered getting into an ALLIANCE with someone. What a cool idea; someone could win the game with a concept like that!
Katie is angry that the women didn't band together to eliminate the men when the Survivor count was at 7. Again, the booting of Stephenie is coming back to haunt them. Is Stephenie the ONLY one who saw this coming? Katie suggests that the women team up now to kick out Tom or Ian, whichever doesn't win the next Immunity. Why didn't Tom or Ian forsee this and prevent the women from getting together? Oh, never mind; I am getting hoarse from shouting at the television screen.
The women all readily agree to this new plan, but Caryn tells us privately that she is unsure. If she goes with the women, she will be in the Final Three, against two opponents who really stink at challenges. If she goes with the men, she will be in the Final Three against two men who have won more challenges than Colby and Rupert put together. She can't make up her mind. Ismira simply puts her head in her hands, while Hassim begins firing up his lighter.
Early the next morning, Tom and Ian are walking down the beach back to camp. I did not realize the mansion was within walking distance! The corvette is in the shop getting detailed (Ian wanted spinners.) The others are asleep, but Caryn is waiting for them. Tom is expecting his usual "here's what they said about you" report from Caryn, but instead, she launches into full lawyer mode and begins questioning Ian about the Final Three agreement. Ian's s-s-stutering p-p-p-problem kicks in again as he tries to bluff and convince Caryn she's solid. Azidi says she wants to play poker one day with Ian; she would get rich!
Caryn, of course, doesn't buy it, and storms off. Tom slaps Ian upside the head, and says that Ian must work on Katie even harder, because they just lost Caryn. Ian says, "Really? I thought I was convincing!" SMACK!!! Upside the head again.
Undaunted, Ian eventually convinces Katie to talk with him alone on the beach. She is angry for him breaking his word and not letting HER sweat on his new leather car seats. Poor Ian is obviously not very good with women, and stutters his way through an apology. Getting on his knees, he begs for forgiveness, offering to wash her underwear for a year if she will forgive him. He made a mistake, he's so sorry, he'll never do it again, it was just a one-night stand with Tom, it meant nothing! Katie says she's not sure; they had an agreement, and he broke it.
At this point, Ismira hits the "pause" button on the Tivo, and informs us that she learned that just last week, KATIE planned to betray Tom and Ian and go with Gregg and Jenn to the Final Three! It was only through a shrewd act of gameplay that Tom and Ian forced her back onto their side. Armed with this new information, we now boo, hiss, and throw cous-cous at the television screen as Katie continues to whine. Eventually, however, Ian's embarrasing groveling manages to soothe Katie's anger, and the two hug and make up. Ian skips back to camp, whispering, "Cha-ching!!!"
Tom and Caryn are off to collect tree mail as as day 36 begins. Tom is trying to get information out of Caryn. How is Katie doing? Is she back on our side? What does she really want for her birthday? Does she prefer flowers or candy? Wait, that was an easy one... candy! Caryn is not talking. She tells us that she is confident in the strength of the women's alliance. Just yesterday, she was confident in the alliance with Tom and Ian. We all know what this sort of indecision means...
The tree mail hints of a challenge involving memory and agility. "Uh oh" for the guys. Tom's next move is to reinforce Katie's loyalty to the Empire. Breathing heavily, he tells Katie that if she votes against them tonight, she will be executed. Katie says that wasn't part of the deal. Tom says, "I am altering our deal. Pray I don't alter it any further. Oh, and by the way... I... Am... Your... Father..." Katie doesn't like being strongarmed like this, at least not without dinner and a movie first. And there's no way in Hades that Tom is her father; they don't even have the same last name!!
Ian is not comfortable with Tom's new approach, either, and wonders what Tom is becoming. He ponders whether he should battle Tom in a spectacular, special-effects-laden fight and force him into a huge lava pit, but decides it would just be too messy. This is "Survivor," not "Parcheesi." That's right, Ian; in Parcheesi, there are RULES!!
With no further ado (there has already been too much ado already), we are at the Immunity Challenge. Today, it's a series of swinging bridges and floating platforms that Jeff Probst copied from an "Indiana Jones" movie. I look, but I fail to see a huge, rolling stone ball. The Survivors must race across the obstacles, then memorize the positions of tiles on a grid. Then race back and re-create the tile pattern at their home base. Then race back and memorize more tiles, praying that Probst hasn't changed their tiles back home. Then race back and forth a few times to figure which tiles they've screwed up. If, by random chance, someone actually gets the pattern right, they can have Immunity. If not, Probst will give it to Julie Berry.
At the word GO!!, Katie and Caryn fall off the first rope bridge. Actually, Katie gets tangled in the web-like ropes and spends the rest of the contest waiting for Shelob to come and eat her. Tom and Ian race across and memorize a few pieces, then head back. Jennifer makes it across and starts memorizing the entire board. We'll see which strategy pays off. Tom and Ian (why are these two always together?) have made a second trip and have more pieces in place. Jennifer is still burning the images into her brain. Tom and Ian have made a third trip, but Tom falls as Ian makes it back. Ian finishes the board and shows it to Probst, who just laughs. He must go back. Tom finishes the board, but is also wrong and has to go back and check. Jennifer is back putting pieces in place, but can't figure out why it isn't spelling anything.
Ian makes it back and rearranges his board. Probst keeps laughing. Darn it! Tom, after a couple of nasty falls that make him forget what it was he was looking for, eventually makes it back and makes a few corrections. Caryn is now crawling on her hands and knees. Katie is wrapped in a thick, white binding waiting for orcs to come and pick her up. Probst checks Tom's board again and proclaims Tom the winner!!! Everyone applauds for Tom except Katie, who can't move.
Back at camp, Tom is understandably relieved. He knows, though, that Ian may be going home if the women decide to stick together. Even now, Ian is still apologizing to Katie. I'll be good, he promises. I'll even go to counseling with you! Whatever you want, dear! Katie will make no promises. My clan is still booing and throwing food items at the television. Radul says that Ian is "whipped," but I have no idea what this means. To me, they ALL look tired.
Caryn is unsure about how Katie will vote. Caryn knows she might be in danger herself if Katie votes the wrong way. Well, Caryn, maybe you should, oh I don't know... DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF JUST SITTING THERE?
Thank Allah, it is time for Tribal Council. Probst introduces the jury, including recently departed Gregg. Gregg winks at Jennifer, holding his hand to the side of his head and mouthing the words, "Call me." Probst dives right into the fray between Katie and Ian. Ian, why did you do such a stupid thing? Katie, you're really really really really mad, right? Ian k-k-k-k-keeps ap-ap-ap-ap-p-p-pologizing. This is getting painful to watch.
However, it is at this moment that Caryn decides to do something about her predicament. Unfortunately, she has picked the worst possible time and place. She suddenly begins venting about how she is tired of all the lying. Ian is lying about the final two agreement, Tom is lying when he said she ratted the girls out, Probst was lying when he said there would be hot showers, and her hairstylist was lying when she said ALL the women would be wearing their hair like this!
Tom and Ian try telling the truth, but Caryn will have none of it. She doesn't want to think she did anything wrong, and can't fathom that someone would actually LIE in the game of "Survivor!" Jennifer is wisely keeping her mouth shut as Caryn quickly digs her own grave. Katie is now confused, and doesn't know what to think. Probst assures her that's just a side effect from the spider poison.
Before Katie can throw up, it's time to vote. We see Caryn voting for Ian, and we see Ian voting for Caryn. No surprises there. After Caryn's outburst, I'll bet everyone wants her gone!
And I am right. When the votes are read, it's 4-1 and big-mouth Caryn is going home. If only she had tried to side WITH Tom and Ian, she'd probably still be in the game. Hey, fourth place is better than fifth place and looking like an idiot, right? Without a word to her tribemates, Caryn heads down the dark path to oblivion.
We can breathe now!!! Next week (actually, in just a few days), the Final Four slit each other's throats for the grand prize. We see much boozing, and we also see Ian confessing to Tom that he told the girls he would vote Tom out. Wait a minute... Are Ian and Katie really brother and sister and Tom is father of them BOTH? I can't wait!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com