Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 9: "Only Their Hairdresser Knows For Sure"

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

This is too painful to watch! Like a horrible camel accident on the side of the road, with twisted limbs and humps strewn everywhere, one is horrified by what has transpired. Yet, in a strangely macabre sense, we keep our eyes glued to the carnage, wanting to take it all in so we can tell all our friends "what a cool thing we saw." Such has been our time this season with "Survivor," a bizarre roadside accident that has claimed the lives of eight (count 'em, eight) members of the strong, buff, and soon-to-be-gracing-the-covers-of-decadent-magazines-everywhere Ulong tribe. We will endure, however, as yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Ethiopian Exporter, leads you once again on this perilous journey we call "Survivor: Palau!" Let the foolishness begin!

All the eyes of our village were on Cousin Radul this week as he traveled to a neighboring village to compete in something he calls "Arabian Idol." It is a cruel, heartless, talent competition judged by Abdul Ramman, Sheik Salah Abdul Fahala, and Paula Abdul. Against our better judgment, Radul entered the contest under the pseudonym "50 Shekel." Much to our surprise, he made it to the semi-finals by narrowly beating out Nikko Smith, who was really peeved about losing for a THIRD time. His only serious competition was the albino belly-dancer. (Yes, the same one that competed on our "Survivor: The Sahara."

Radul's downfall came on day 5 when the singing category was "Songs You Sing In The Shower." Radul sang a thirty-minute medley consisting of all the songs from "La Cage Aux Folles." Abdul Ramman said it was "hideous, a complete disaster, and an insult to gender-challenged people everywhere." Sheik Salah Abdul simply committed suicide on the spot. Paula, of course, loved it, and now wants to take Radul home with her as a pet. The competition was immediately cancelled, and the albino belly-dancer was quickly crowned the winner by default.

Speaking of the albino belly-dancer, her tribe did fairly well in "Survivor: The Sahara." In the first team Immunity Challenge, the tribes were forced to run through an obstacle course consisting of a snake pit, a live mine field, and a mud crawl. (We wanted ratings, just like Mark Burnett.) Tribe "Kessdara" (goat dung) easily breezed through the obstacles, while tribe "Swa-bakk" (nasty water) had serious difficulty and barely finished the course. Swa-bakk was sent to Tribal Council, where they were forced to choose between the guy who had just lost both legs in the mine field, or the woman who was bitten by poisonous snakes and was oozing infection even as she sat waiting for the vote. Before I could read the votes, the woman keeled over and voting was unnecessary. I simply said "The venom has spoken" and she was carried away. Oh, the unscipted drama!

On to more pleasant things. This week's "Diva Award" was given out by my daughter Azidi, because Radul was away wreaking havoc on "Arabian Idol." Azidi chose Stephenie as "Diva of the Week," for her spirit in surviving to the very end. She is a very determined young woman, and my family hopes she lasts a while longer. Azidi hopes she takes it all! I tell her that there will not be another "Chris Daugherty" this season, but she has no idea what I'm talking about.

The highlight of last week's episode, "The Great Water Debate," provides us with the three remaining awards this time around. Ismira's "Strategic Award" goes to Tom for his wisdom in suggesting that the tribe use the pure water for drinking instead of showering. It will save his tribe more trouble and free them up for other things, like shark-hunting. Besides, didn't the tribe already HAVE a shower they could have been using?

Interestingly enough, Hassim is giving his "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djinn" award to Tom as well. Hassim laughed as Tom forced his whiny, crybaby, capitalist American pig tribemates to use old water instead of fresh water to shower. In my village, water is so scarce that we re-use the same bathwater for three months!

And my "Dumbest American Mistake" award goes to Jennifer. She has been mostly silent to this point, but her first expressed opinions were not good ones. She was very upset that she couldn't use the holy water for bathing, because apparently she and Gregg had a hot date that evening. She was also upset that the shower water wasn't provided by "Dasani." This attitute will quickly wear thin on her more wilderness-oriented tribemates.

And on we go. Last week, we watched in perverse fascination as the Ulong duo lost everything possible in the episode, including language skills and personal hygiene habits. We watched as Stephenie and Bobby Jon danced around the camp singing, "Snotrockets in flight; afternoon delight." We watched as Stephenie beat Bobby Jon in individual Immunity and became the final Ulong standing. A dubious honor, but an honor nonetheless. Will Stephenie have to continue surviving on her own? Will there be a merge? Will Tom and Ian declare martial law at the Koror camp? Radul has begun singing again and is dancing around in a chartruese feather boa; let's get started!!!

Ah, glorious night! Ah, glorious empty camp! Stephenie is arriving back at camp "camel wreck," scared that she will be spending the night with only several lonely cameramen to keep her company. She manages to restart the embers of a fire that she and Bobby Jon left, contrary to the advice of Smokey the Bear. The fire comes to life, though she is afraid Mark Burnett will sneak into camp while she is asleep and put it out for more dramatic storytelling. She finally falls asleep, armed with the machete under her head, just in case. She says she is not a quitter, and she will fight. Ismira says there will be no "Ostens" this time around.

A new day finds Stephenie reinvigorated, carving the letters "EPMB" into a nearby tree. Alas, one of those dangerous wandering coconuts has ventured into camp, and Stephenie spends the morning hacking at it with the machete. She is worried that if no more coconuts wander into camp, she will starve.

Meanwhile, over at Camp Cornucopia, the Koror tribe is... eating again. Apparently, winning has its drawbacks. They have had to listen to Caryn's voice and endure Coby's thong for over three weeks now. There is a general malaise around camp because no one has had to worry or strategize for almost a month. Tom and Gregg are studying fish hooks as the highlight of the day.

Coby is tired of all this non-work. He has been single-handedly making fire, getting water, bringing home fish, replacing Janu's IV bag, and touching up Jennifer's roots, with no help from anybody. Talking to Caryn at her weekly salon appointment, he says he's going on strike. He is getting angry at having to work all the time when all Tom and Ian do are kill sharks. The tribe is getting no more work out of him; right after he finishes giving all the women a bikini wax.

My HDTV has seen enough of Coby, so the scene switches to Stephenie, who must give HERSELF a bikini wax if she wants one. Oh, and find food, make fire, and get water, too. No time for shark hunting! She tries her luck at fishing, but Bobby Jon has emptied the lagoon when he caught that ONE fish a few days ago. She sees a coconut in a tree, and we spend several minutes laughing at her as she tries unsuccessfully to coax it down to the ground. Eventually, she must climb the tree to retreive it. After cooking up another skillet of pulp du jour, she has herself a good cry. Our hearts are touched, but only for a moment.

Then, the divine hand of the Almighty (Mark Burnett again) intervenes. When Stephenie goes to collect the day's tree mail, it is a note saying to pack all her stuff and head over to the Koror camp. Elation sets in as she begins to dance for joy. She prances up and down the beach, kicking her legs in the air and singing "One Singular Sensation." Next, she scrambles to collect all the valuable items the Ulongs have collected in three weeks. After that thirty seconds is over, she loads up the canoe and follows the CBS map out into the water. How she is paddling this nine-person canoe all by herself is the biggest mystery of the season thus far. Cousin Radul swears he sees CBS scuba divers under the boat helping it along.

The next thing we see, Stephenie's canoe is making ground at the Ceasar's Palau Resort. Valet parking takes over from here, and Stephenie wanders past the karaoke bar, shopping gallery, and health club to where the tribe is still sleeping. Waking them up, she is greeted to cries of "Welcome!", "Hi!", and "Darn, I lost the bet; I thought it would be Bobby Jon." It is such a tremendous, momentous occasion that even Janu stirs from the hammock.

Stephenie has brought a mystery package for Koror to open. Hassim believes it is a gift-wrapped rat to add to Koror's collection. Radul believes it will be new underwear for Coby. Azidi swears it will be an Apple I-Pod. We are all proved wrong when it turns out to be a new, brown buff for Stephenie to wear. For the first time in Survivor history, a tribe has been completely wiped out, and there is no need for a merge or a new tribe name. Ismira immediately points her web browser toward CBS.com, hoping to purchase a crateload of the green camo buffs that were manufactured but now will never be used. Buy as many as you can, Ismira! They will soon be collector's items!!

The tribe gathers around the new buff like it is a gift from the heavens, smelling it and remembering what THEY used to smell like. Ian swears that he can see an image of the Virgin Mary in the camo patterns. Steph, however, wastes no time in stripping off the old blue buff and quickly donning the new, fresh, possibly-a-holy-relic one. The tribe decides that the old Ulong buff will be sent to the latrine to be used as toilet paper.

Jennifer and Katie give Steph a tour of the grounds, showing her the cabin, the latrine, the shower/drinking water area, and even the golf course that the crazy fat guy built. Steph likes the attention, but is worried that she is the odd person out in this group. Coby, Mr. "A catty mood for every occasion," is jealous of all the attention Steph is getting, and vows to get even by showering even MORE attention on her. He will tell her everything; all the alliances, all the backstabbing plans, and even the secret location where Twila buried the plantains. Azidi rolls her eyes and says, "So NOT the drama."

Coby's devious and evil machinations are interrupted by the sight of a U.F.P.O (Unidentified Floating Palauan Object.) No need to fear, it's just two fat natives on a makeshift raft paddling with bamboo sticks. It's Joe and Edwin (two popular Palauan names), and while they obviously know nothing about paddling, they are fishing experts. They are here because... well, we're really not sure why they are here, except that CBS thought the traditional merge foodbasket would be overkill after the custom-built cabin and tanning beds.

Joe and Edwin get to work showing the guys that the best way to catch fish is with BAIT. The Survivors marvel at this breakthrough concept. They fashion tiny grappling hooks from the fishing gear. Tom and Gregg realize that simply STARING at the hooks probably wasn't the best way to catch fish, after all. Note to self: Always trust the fat guys on how and where to get food.

The natives offer to take the men out to USE the bait while the women stay on shore and catch MORE bait. The natives aren't sure where Coby fits in, so he ends up on shore with the rest of the girls. He is NOT happy with this turn of events, and has what Ismira refers to as a "hissy fit." The rest of the tribe thinks that just maybe, he's not entirely stable anymore.

Meanwhile, the concept of using "bait" has proven very successful. Joe and Edwin are reeling in fish after fish, and soon even the Americans are doing it too. They return to shore with a basketful of fresh seafood. They try to go out again, but unfortunately Katie has eaten all the bait she caught. The fish are thrown on the fire to cook while Joe shows the Survivors one more Palauan ritual... getting roaring drunk on a couple of bottles of rum.

Tom likes this ritual. While the others sip the rum, the firefighter guzzles the bottle like my father-in-law drinks Milk of Magnesia. The others are feasting on the fish while Tom spits and sputters and tries to say "Vita-meata-vegemin." As a tribute to the World War Two heritage of the islands, he tries singing "There Is Nothin' Like A Dame," but it is off-key and totally the wrong tempo. He staggers to the ground before he can continue with "Bali Hai" or "Happy Talk." He finally falls to sleep and we can all rest our ears.

Early the next morning, however, Tom is up, relatively sober, and back to work. Joe and Edwin are preparing to leave, and much hugging and hand-shaking commences. Tom encourages them to stop by again, but the natives agree there are way too many rats here. And then there are the rodents, too. They paddle off, and Tom and Gregg go back to staring at the hooks again. Heavy sigh...

Coby decides the time is right to strike with his ingenious plan, "Tell Stephenie Everything and Make Myself The Most Hated Gay Guy In Camp." He calls Steph away from her daily spa treatment and begins spilling the beans about Tom's alliance, Gregg's plans to betray Tom, and that Wanda was right: all these people are really Hollywood models. Stephenie takes it all in, then goes back to Katie and reports what Coby said. Katie is upset; how can SHE get to be a Hollywood model?

Later, Steph talks to Tom. He assures her he has fond memories of his foursome with Ian, Katie, and Steph, and would like it to continue. The CBS producers are told to edit that part out when the episode airs in Tom's hometown. Tom's wife may be as violent as Brian Heidik's! Stephenie is confused; EVERYONE seems to be on her side; Janu has even offered her the hammock! Will wonders never cease? She doesn't know who to believe. Stephenie, welcome to "Survivor!"

This beautiful day of "let's play tug-of-war with Stephenie" is interrupted for one of those pesky Immunity Challenges. This one looks to be interesting. Platforms have been erected in the water, and sharks have been imported into the area. Blood will be poured in the water to drive the sharks into a feeding frenzy, and Probst will shoot at the survivors with a bazooka to knock them into the water... Sorry, that was Hassim's FANTASY of the challenge. In the REAL one, the Survivors will simply see who can stand still the longest. So much for it being interesting.

Probst retires the wooden monkey, after finally letting Stephenie touch it just once. She moans in delight... He produces Ian's sharktooth necklace from Episode One as the new Immunity talisman. Jolanda's necklace is missing; the ingrate took it with her as a lovely parting gift. Whoever wears the necklace is safe from the vote tonight, though not necessarily a fashion diva. Probst pulls up a chair to further taunt the contestants, and a Swedish massuesse appears to gently massage his shoulders. Now fully relaxed, he waves his arms, and the thrill-a-minute spectacle that is pole-standing commences.

Thank Allah for "time elapsed." After one hour, Probst pulls out a plate of donuts. Coby asks if a strong, sexy policeman comes with them. Regardless, he jumps in the water to get the treat. Janu leaps into the water as well, complaining that her back hurts. Yeah, laying around on it for three weeks will do that!

At one hour and thirty minutes, Ian offers to strip for chocolate and peanut butter. Probst tells him that shtick has already been taken. And by a swimsuit model, not a DNA experiment gone awry. Keep your clothes on, freak! Coby offers to strip for another donut. Katie offers to strip for a chance to be a Hollywood model. Tom offers to strip for more rum. Gregg offers to strip if Jennifer will. Caryn offers to strip if the two fat Palauans will come back. Janu declines to strip; she's on vacation, after all. Stephenie wonders if she can go back to Ulong.

At 2 hours and 30 minutes, it is getting dark. Probst reveals a plate of cookies and milk. Praise be to Allah, no one strips, but Ian, Gregg, Jenn, and Katie all jump into the water. It's down to Steph (who needs Immunity desperately), Caryn (whose lawyer instinct won't let her quit) and Tom (who is holding out for another bottle of rum.) Probst produces a steaming hot pizza, and the contest is over. Jennifer and Caryn scream and jump off the platforms. They scarf down carbs and cheese as Probst hands the necklace to Tom. I personally suspect that this is not the last time we will see Tom the Titan wearing that necklace.

After only one commercial break, we are suddenly at Tribal Council. No time to see any last-minute deal-making, last-minute pleading, or last-minute catfights. The Tribal Council is once again full of chairs, and the personalized Ulong nameplates (except for Stephenie's) have been removed. Probst is eager to ask questions to a NEW group of people for a change, so he starts with Stephenie. Scared? Heck, yes; I'm from the other tribe!! Jennifer, jealous? Heck, yes; she's from the other tribe! Coby, scared of Steph? Heck, yes; she's more of a man than I am, and she's from the other tribe! Jeff very clearly makes his point that Steph will be an easy vote. Steph grumbles under her breath.

He asks Janu who is the most worthless person around camp. (Like he doesn't know already.) She says it's ME, and begins singing "Show Me The Way To Go Home." However, she is too worn out to do the accompanying Rockettes high-kicks. Probst then asks Steph why she gave up Immunity for a pizza. Steph says she's given up more than THAT for a pizza back in college. Ooooookaaaaay.... He reminds her that after all, SHE IS AN EASY VOTE!

Probst asks Tom if he wants to give up the Immunity necklace. Maybe for pizza AND rum? Tom glares at Probst, and vows to call "Uncle Tony the Enforcer" when he gets back home. Probst quickly changes the subject and tells them it's time to vote. The group looks stunned, so Probst has to remind them that's what we DO here at Tribal Council, after all. It' s been so long, they've forgotten.

We see Ian voting for Coby, mumbling something very Mafia-like and invoking Uncle Tony's name again. We Janu voting for Stephenie, although she is so weak from all the strenuous labor that she has trouble holding the pen and writing such a long name. We see no other votes, and this leads my family to believe that a surprise is afoot.

The votes are read. One for Stephenie. She looks crestfallen, darn it, I just GOT here! One for Janu. She looks like she WANTS to be voted off. Then one for Coby. He smiles and shrugs it off. However, he cannot shrug off the OTHER six votes that come his way, and Probst calls him up for the ceremonial snuff. He tells his tribe, "Thanks for the compliment," which is denial-speak for, "I guess being a royal pain-in-the-butt wasn't the best strategy after all, was it?" My family cheers as Cousin Hassim sets fire to a little straw figurine wearing a thong.

Next week, Janu is extremely upset that nobody voted to send HER home, and lets everyone know it. She may just get her wish! There is some teasing about a celebration with food (like these people need any more food.) And Probst introduces a new twist: the loser of a challenge will be exiled to live alone!! Let's hope it isn't Stephenie again!!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com