Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 8: "One Is The Loneliest Number" (a.k.a. "The Decimation")

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

The pressure is on!!! Who will emerge victorious, when this is all said and done? For whom will the final votes be cast? From this crowd of potential winners, who will be chosen? Hurry, Radul, finish watching the Iraqi elections so we can get back to "Survivor: Palau!" Yes, Iraq is moving into a new era of its history, but my family is much more focused on this season's "decimation" of Ulong!! Records are being broken left and right; no tribe in "Survivor" history has ever been this bad. My family is already looking down the line, trying to predict the two sub-tribes into which Koror will eventually split! And at the center of it all is yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Discounter of Damascus, here to make sure you have all of the proper insights along the way!!

We have not seen much of Ismira this week. She has been busy in her tent, administering her Internet chat room, "Survivor Hunks vs. Those Who Blow Chunks." Apparently, there has been a heated debate brewing among the participants in this chat room. On one side are those readers who believe that Bobby Jon is indeed Jesus Christ Reincarnated. Some readers claim if that is the case, he would have gotten booted out on Good Friday! (Those readers were obviously Muslim Arabs.) The "Bobby Jon" fanatics are adamant in their opinion that he is the best-looking "Survivor" ever to hit the islands. This group was led in the chat room by a member named "bj4ever," until Ismira realized it was actually Cousin Radul and banished him from her website.

On the other side of the argument are those who think Tom the Titan is the manliest man that "Survivor" has ever seen. Just ask the sharks of Palau! These folks claim that Tom is just like "Rupert with a brain." The Internet debate soon escalated into a fevered frenzy, overloading Ismira's bandwidth and causing a short in our antenna dish! Cousin Radul has spent the better part of two days trying to track down the blown-out antenna components. I hope he gets it repaired soon; the only television program we can get right now is a local broadcast of "Wheel of Torture."

My daughter Azidi is still following in her father's footsteps. This week at school, she made a fortune selling those little rubber bracelets to all her classmates. Truth be told, she ordered a surplus supply of black vacuum cleaner belts and was passing them off as "bracelets of mourning" for the Ulong tribe. None of her classmates suspected the truth, and she ended up having to order fourteen more cartons from "hoover.com." Next week, she will sell them all candles and hold a midnight prayer vigil for the terminally ill Ulongs. This summer, she will work in my shop full-time!!!

Enough bragging from a proud parent; it's time for our weekly family awards! Ismira quickly gave her "Strategic Award" this week to Stephenie. As soon as she realized that Bobby Jon was considering breaking their agreement, she wasted no time in offering Ibrehem a certain deal: Why let Bobby Jon have control of the game when WE can take control and vote him out? Strategically, it was the perfect move to make, even if Ibrehem didn't end up going with her on it.

This week, Cousin Radul is giving his "Diva Award" to Katie. Her originality and creativity finally came in handy to help her team win last week's reward challenge. Her only problem, as Radul sees it: Her "weight loss" plan for the game is being thwarted by an overabundance of food at the Koror camp! Maybe Tom could be her "Pilates" instructor for the remainder of the game...

And speaking of Ibrehem (Yes, we were; check a couple of paragraphs ago!), he gets the "Dumbest American Mistake" award this week, for the above-mentioned incident with Stephenie. While Stephenie realized the danger they were both in, Ibrehem was oblivious to the fact. He turned down a "sure thing" offer to instead hope that Bobby Jon would stay true to his word. Now we remember how THAT turned out, don't we class? If he would've sided with Stephenie, he would still be in the game, might have made the merge, and lasted a lot longer. But unfortunately, he'll never know...

And finally, the "Cruellest Son-Of-A-Djinn" Award from Cousin Hassim. He looked at the Koror tribe, possibly the nicest tribe in "Survivor" history, and could not find the slightest trace of cruelty. Even Coby and Caryn have been keeping their nice-nice faces on. Over on Ulong, it would even be too heartless for HASSIM to call one of THEM "cruel." Hassim has several OTHER names to call them, however. Finally, in frustration, Hassim gave the award to the most deserving player he could think of. Himself.

Last week on "Survivor: Palau," Koror dominated Ulong in every possible way, with a variety of their members getting the chance to humiliate the other team. Gregg and Jenn's romance is heating up, but the other Koror members are starting to take notice. Ulong is down to two tribe members. will we see the first one-person tribe in history? Will Ulong's worst fears be realized? Or will Stephenie wake up from a bad dream and find she's in bed with Bob Newhart? Radul has fixed the antenna dish with duct tape and one of his gold tooth fillings and Ismira is back on line; let's get started!!!

The first thing we see is our beloved Bobby Jon lighting a fire, because it's... night again. At least my dark-blue nightvision HDTV says it is. Stephenie is busy thanking him for keeping her around and sticking to her word. She fails to mention that she tried to vote HIM off tonight, but Ibrehem wouldn't cooperate. Bobby Jon says she never had anything to worry about; he gave her his word. Privately, he tells us that he only kept Stephenie around because there was sure to be another water challenge soon.

Still, spirits are amazingly high, or else they have breathed in too much campfire smoke. Stephenie is optimistic, and tells Bobby Jon she still thinks they can bring home the victory. Heck, they can't even bring home all their tribe members! Yes, this is "Survivor" honesty! After the pair have lied to each other enough for one day, it's time for bed.

Day 19 dawns upon a fly-infested, decomposing shark's head and the sights of playful little rodents enjoying the bounty of coconuts strewn about the area. Yes, it's the Koror camp, where "Koror" is Palauan for "Section 8 Housing!" Koror has so much food, a lot of it is going to watse. Don't they know people are starving in Ulong?

Coby, always the one with an opinion for every occasion, is disgusted with the cleanliness (or lack thereof) around camp. Coconut scraps are everywhere, the shark's head is no longer the attractive conversation piece it once was, and Tom's dirty underwear have been dropped on the floor of the shelter. Where is June Cleaver when you need her?

Coby moves the shark's head and guts away from the camp, even though he knows King Tom will not be happy. He grumbles about how he does EVERYTHING around the camp, getting water, getting firewood, hunting, cleaning, and trimming everyone's toenails. He is waiting for a pumpkin-carriage to show up and take him away from all this, and maybe he will meet a handsome prince. As for the evil stepsisters Jenn, Katie, and Janu, he wants to push them all into the fire, primarily because that would be less firewood he will have to collect today.

Before Coby can be fitted for his new pair of glass slippers, we are suddenly at a Reward Challenge. Cousin Radul rewinds the Tivo box to make sure we didn't miss anything, but there was indeed no warning. Ulong's two remaining players enter, ready to win as always, and then Koror begins filing in. No wonder the episode needed all the extra time it could get! They keep entering the clearing like those clowns that come out of the little car at the circus. Finally, everyone is here and Probst can explain the rules.

The Survivors will have an eating challenge. We do not know what to make of this, but Ismira is positively giddy, and says it is the time-honored "Gross Food Challenge." Sure enough, Probst explains that the Survivors will be eating "Balute," a native delicacy which is essentially a duck partial birth abortion. Sounds tasty already. The players will eat one, then two, then three, then four of these abominations, and the players that don't hurl breakfast all over the host will score a point. Stephenie is already regretting the stop at Shoney's Breakfast Bar on the way to the challenge.

The prize today will be a huge drum of fresh water to bathe in, as well as shampoo, deodorant, mouthwash, toothbrushes, and toothpaste. I don't know about these Survivors, but take it from my family: Fresh water is for DRINKING, well water can be for showering! Why waste it on showering? Perhaps this is a little test from Probst to see how foolish the Survivors really are.

Tom the Titan and Ian the Invincible will do the eating for Koror. Bobby Jon and Stephenie ask if they can finally sit out a challenge. After the laughter from Koror dies down, the players line up, ready to munch and crunch. Tom and Stephenie hit the table first, and both down their half-formed duck fetus. Yummmm... Radul is not looking. Bobby Jon and Ian are up next, and after a little trouble, down two of the not-quite-omelets. They are fine, but Radul has snuck a glance and is now looking queasy. Tom and Stephenie are up again, and Tom is enjoying the taste. He and Steph gobble down three, while Radul has his hand over his mouth by this time. The score is tied. Ian and Bobby Jon hit the snack bar again, and this time, they slurp down four of the viable tissue masses. Radul has just spewed Buffalo Lamb and dried dates all over Yamiin's new persian rug. Luckily, where we come from, the rugs are not an imported item.

It's time for a tiebreaker!! Tom will go up against Bobby Jon. Bobby Jon looks defeated already. Whoever can down 5 of the ducklings dujour the fastest will win the game. GO!!!! Bobby Jon forces all five eggs into his mouth at the same time. Now Cousin Hassim is even looking faint. He (Bobby Jon, not Hassim) chokes, spits, wheezes, and gasps for air as Tom continues to steadily eat his hor d'euvres one at a time. Tom is down to his last duck! Hassim is unsteady. Bobby Jon is trying to force the mush down his throat with his hands. Tom opens his mouth wide; he is finished!!! Hassim adds more mess to Yamiin's new persian rug. She decides to simply roll it up and throw it away.

Bobby Jon is staring open-mouthed at Tom, with duckmush dripping out. He looks genuinely angry; at least, as angry as one CAN look with a face full of crushed fetus. Probst sends the losers away as he passes Tom a bottle of mouthwash. The Koror tribe grabs the basket and begins deciding who will get to shower with whom as they make their way back to camp. We go to a commercial break as a massive clean-up effort is underway in my tent. Azidi, grab the "Febreeze!"

When the stench is gone from my tent and the mess finally cleared away, we find ourselves back at the Koror camp. No mention of the rats this time; Coby has had all of them turned into coachmen for his upcoming trip to the palace. The Survivors are oohing and aahing over the toiletry items, like they've never seen the inside of a medicine cabinet before. Ian begins drinking the orange-flavored mouthwash before the other players can convince him it's not pina colada concentrate.

Then, they notice the huge steel drum full of water over their shower stall. The cameramen are ready for the girls to immediately strip and leap into camera range under cascading water. More oohing and aahing commences, this time from the cameramen.

But the feast of flesh is not to be. Tom takes a defensive pose inside the shower stall and demands that the water be used for drinking, not showering. Finally, a smart player! Ismira wonders, though, if he should have taken such a stand. We will see. Jenn is NOT happy with this decision. SHE wanted to take a shower, then play in the water tank like those women on "Petticoat Junction." They decide to vote, and Tom reminds them of what happened with the shark. The vote is unanimous; they will drink the water!!

Over at Ulong, Bobby Jon is still angry that he keeps losing to Tom. Tom is such a macho guy, it makes Bobby Jon feel like a girly man. Another girly-man loss like this, and Coby may stary hitting on him after the merge. The very thought sends Bobby Jon into a rage, and he vents his frustration and homophobia by chopping huge bamboo trunks with an axe. Soon, there is more discarded bamboo than at the "Gilligan's Island" set strike. Stephenie, while grateful for all the firewood, is worried that he might start sleeping with the axe at night, and she might not MAKE it to the merge.

Before Bobby John can become a serial killer, we switch back to the Koror camp. They are hard at work NOT taking showers. Combined with their personalities, their body odor is beginning to make camp life uncomfortable. It seems they are all busy preparing to battle each other when the game becomes individual. Tom the Titan and Ian the Incredible steal away to have a "State of the Union" session. Ian reports the coconut harvest is up 12 percent, that shark futures are down, the tribe still smells, and oh yes, Gregg and Jenn are quite likely to turn on us at any moment.

The two men discuss having previously had a foursome with Katie and Stephenie on Day 1. While the CBS producers scramble to find erotic footage they somehow missed for the highlights DVD, we learn that it was actually a Final Four agreement. If Stephenie makes it to a merge (provided that Ulong doesn't self destruct before that time), she can join their group and it will take the rest of the tribe by surprise. Heck, they might even let her use the mouthwash AND the hammock!

The next day, we spend the entire day at the Ulong camp. One would think with only two people to dwell on, nothing interesting would be happenning. One would be wrong. Bobby Jon is providing all the entertainment necessary for this fun-filled Survivor day. His string of losses has short-circuited something in his brain, and he has reverted to caveman status. He no longer bathes, and eats crab shells and burps. His new name is "Ooga" and he spends the day dragging Stephenie around by the hair and beating his chest.

Additionally, he has taken up the admirable new hobby of shooting "snotrockets." Apparently, this is some sort of nasal projectile that Ooga has perfected. He goes around camp, blowing "snotrockets" around the bedding area, fire area, eating area, and into Stephenie's buff. Ismira suspects he is simply "marking his territory." Cousin Radul grabs his stomach again and heads outside.

Azidi loves this new word, "snotrocket." She plans on taking it to school for show and tell. She says all her friends are "snotrockets." Her teachers are "snotrockets." She will even trick her fellow students into a Gross Food Challenge, featuring... I go outside to join Cousin Radul.

When I am feeling better, I return inside to find Stephenie lamenting their pitiful state. Tearfully, she says it's just her and "Ooga" now, and Ooga doesn't even speak English anymore. She wants to get their canoe out into the water so she can drown her teammate, but the effort just isn't worth it. For the time being, she will live with the snotrockets.

Day 21 dawns, and we see Stephenie and Ooga trying to catch some food. Ooga manages to spear a small fish, and the pair find a mysterious 20-pound clam that the CBS producers "accidentally" dropped on their beach. Not looking a gift clam in the mouth, they take it home and cook up clam and fish for lunch. The food invigorates them, and Ooga slowly transforms back into Bobby Jon speaking English. Or speaking Alabama, anyway.

Just in time, it seems. A note, written in English, is in the tree mail box. It is a puzzle, saying something about "Sink Or Swim." They are optimistic, and think without Ibrehem, they might have a chance in a water challenge. They know they are tough competitors. Do I even have to ask the obvious question here? Okay.... THEN WHY HAVE YOU LOST MORE CHALLENGES THAN ANY TRIBE IN SURVIVOR HISTORY? Whew, got that out of my system.

The Immunity challenge is next. Probst announces that Immunity is back up for grabs. No one really believes him anymore. The monkey is already inching his way back to the Koror mat. Today's torture, er, challenge will involve swimming underwater to collect bags of heavy puzzle pieces. Grab each bag and carry it over balancing pontoons back to shore. Assemble the pieces to form a word search puzzle. Look in the word search puzzle for pre-chosen words. Circle the words and find letters circled twice. Write the letters down. Convert them to Morse Code, then use the dots and dashes to form a distress signal that will attract a passing plane. Ask the pilot if he's "Got Food." Write the pilot's mother's maiden name in the blanks, then unscramble the letters to form the name of a pro football team. Remember the number of games that team won in 1992. Eat that many more duckmush eggs. Then, take the twice-circled letters and form a three-word answer to win the game!

Koror will play Coby and Gregg this time. Ulong, since Stephenie and Bobby Jon played last time... just kidding, get your sorry behinds out there and try not to embarrass yourselves again, okay? Koror ready? GO!!!

The teams hit the water with Stephenie and Gregg. Gregg comes back slightly ahead of Stephenie. Coby and Bobby Jon race out, with Probst commenting that Bobby Jon is "walking on water." We know which side of Ismira's chat room HE'S on! Bobby Jon takes the lead away from Coby. The other two head out again, and Stephenie maintains the lead. Coby and Bobby Jon go out for the final bag of pieces, but Bobby Jon can't find the last bag. So much for divine revelation.

Coby makes up lost ground, and the two teams are tied when they start assembling their puzzles. Ismira says Coby will pull ahead at this point. Sure enough, the scantily-clad hairdresser quickly solves the puzzle, and Koror begins circling words. Stephenie and Bobby Jon are turning the pieces over and over, looking for more "Survivor" trivia. Question: Which team was the worst ever in Survivor history? By the time they solve their puzzle and start circling words, Koror has all their letters found and is busy unscrambling. Stephenie tries cheating, but Coby says, "die, loser-girl!" and covers his board. NONE of Stephenie's strategies seem to work.

Koror, however, thinks they have won the game by spelling "A TASTY VOICER," although they have no idea what it means. They try "TASTE YO VICAR," but Probst doesn't allow that one, either. When "YOVIC EATS RAT" is not accepted, Coby swears it was a headline in his hometown Yugoslavian newspaper. Finally, by mere chance, Coby hits the board in frustration, and the letters fall in place to spell "VICTORY AT SEA." Koror wins again, while Stephenie and Bobby Jon are still trying to find the word "Ulong" on their word search.

Another day, another Immunity loss for Ulong. Probst, never having had a tribe of TWO going to Tribal Council before, begins making up rules on the fly. Tonight, there will be an Individual Immunity Challenge at Tribal Council. The loser of that challenge will be going home. The winner will be a tribe of one. We are not sure who will be getting the better deal.

The Korors go back to their hotel, er, camp to celebrate. They are positively giddy about how the gay guy, the lanky kid, the nanny, the showgirl, and the old white guy (Tom, not Willard) teamed up to beat the other tribe. The congratulate Coby on his challenge win, and the emotion overtakes him. He's never been on a winning team before, and has always quit things before succeeding. Tearfully, he is proud of himself, and decides to ask Tom is he wants to do "The Amazing Race" next, just like those other guys. His hugging and gushing cries of "I Love You Man," and "Free highlights and conditioner for everyone!" soon wear thin on his tribemates.

Lest Coby's emotional lapse make us forget what a catty, self-serving, conniving son-of-a-djinn he really is, we switch over to the Ulong Camp. They are wondering, for the umpteenth time, what went wrong. Tom didn't even play this time! Bobby John admits that NOTHING has worked for this tribe, not even the snotrockets. He is hoping tonight's Individual Immunity Challenge involves some sort of bodily functions, so he will stand a fair chance against Stephenie. The only thing he has going in his favor is that he knows how to make fire. Now, what kind of lame challenge would that be?

Stephenie is worried about how she will survive if she returns to camp alone tonight. Bobby Jon has been the one to take care of those things. She is scared at the thought of being alone. Bobby Jon, on the other hand, doesn't mind the thought at all. He could survive out here for weeks by himself, although he would soon revert back to "Ooga." On the plus side, he wouldn't have to worry about pesky things like personal hygiene, language, or clothing. Hmmm, Stephenie is scared of coming back alone, and Bobby Jon is looking forward to it. Everyone in my tent agrees that we are about to see the hand of irony tonight. It's every loser for themselves as the canoe heads out to Tribal Council.

At Tribal Council, Probst is as friendly as we have ever seen him. I guess even HIS cruelty has its limits. Or perhaps there's simply nothing else to say to these washouts. He tells them congratulations on being the Final Two, except that it's just of YOUR TRIBE, you losers. Can Bobby Jon survive? Yeah, I caught a fish and I can make fire. Can Stephenie survive? I don't know; when do I get to go live at Koror?

He asks what is the key to survival. After several wrong guesses of "toilet paper," "flavored dental floss," and "hemmorhoid cream," he finally gets them to say FIRE. What a coincidence; making a fire will be your Immunity Challenge tonight! They will each be given husks, kindling, and... matches. Whoever can't make a fire with MATCHES will be sent home to face nationwide humiliation. First person to light their torch wins. GO!!

Both players quickly pile up kindling and husks and begin striking matches. Probst says strike the rounded sulphur end, guys. Oh, sorry. Stephenie lights her fire, and soon it is growing large. Bobby Jon is having trouble lighting his kindling because it is now covered in snotrockets. Stephenie's fire lights her torch, and suddenly she is the Sole Ulong Survivor. Bobby Jon gets his torch, and Probst snuffs it out, even though the tribe has said nothing. Isn't this a violation of the "Survivor" rules somewhere?

Stephenie is faced with several questions as she heads back to camp alone. How will she paddle that canoe all by herself? Who will protect her from the vicious snakes, sharks, and wild coconuts? Who will she blame her next challenge loss on? All these questions and more, will be answered next week!!

Next week, according to the previews, it seems that Coby has a falling out with Tom the Titan and Ian the Irascible. I guess they won't be doing "The Amazing Race" after all! And at camp "Snotrocket," Stephenie is trying to cope with living alone, with humorous results (for us, anyway.)

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com