Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 7: "The Last Song Of The Once Strong But Now Wrong Ulong"

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

Oh, the horror! Must we keep watching as the competitors are whittled away, one by one? Must we watch the losers hang their head in defeat, trudging away into obscurity? How can we go on, knowing that only one will emerge victorious? Hopefully, the NCAA Basketball Championships will soon be over, and "Survivor" will be back on its regular night! These Thursday morning viewings are throwing our weelky schedules out of sorts. No work gets done in our village after "Survivor," as we are busy arguing about the episode, and these four-day weekends are cutting into the Gross National Product of our clan! Be that as it may, we are still here, ready and waiting to jump once again into another exciting episode, hosted by Yours Truly, Honest Achmed, the Tel Aviv Telemarketer!!

It has been an extremely busy week. Three days ago, Cousin Hassim and I launched the televising of our own version of "Survivor," entitled "Survivor: The Sahara." On the first episode, our sixteen competitors were hogtied and strapped to backs of camels and led into the desert for 342 miles to the camp locations. Unfortunately, Hassim forgot to untie our Survivors before leaving them, and two contestants died from heat exhaustion! The remaining fourteen immediately realized that OUR game would have even more twists than Mark Burnett's! One camel died as well, so that tribe had fresh meat for the first two days. In addition, we had to cancel our first Tribal Council because of the rough start. Just as well, though; cousin Hassim had not finished filling the Tribal Council pit with live scorpions yet. He assured me it would be ready by our second episode...

I am also VERY upset; I am now the laughingstock of my village! Last week, Ismira and my daughter Azidi entered us in the new local contest entitled "Trading Oasis." My worst fears were realized when we were indeed chosen from over four applications! For two days, we traded tents with that female sheik with the all-female harem from the other side of the village. We tastefully decorated her tent in flowing, rich Arab colors, festooned with gold filigree, and Radul even built an entertainment center for the Sheik's collection of "Lavern and Shirley" DVDs.

When we returned to OUR tent, however, we found it spray-painted in hot pink with posters of the "Village People" hanging everywhere! The front entrance to my abode now sports one of those fountains with the little boy urinating, and MY entertainment center is now filled with DVDs for something called "Debbie Does Damascus." The worst part is, we have to leave the tent like this until the television crews come to film it, and we have to pretend to be delighted! Ismira will never hear the end of this one...

Enough humiliation; onto our family awards. The recipient of Ismira's Most Strategic Award goes to... drum roll, please... Katie and Janu! During last week's Immunity Challenge, they realized that KNOTS, not wood, was the key to protecting the flag box, and stayed behind to tie a multitude of knots to their box while the other team faltered. This turned out to be the winning strategy, and eventually sent James home.

And speaking of Janu, she gets this week's highly coveted "Diva Award" from Cousin Radul. Although not exactly a fashion queen, her over-the-top hysterics after the storm were certainly attention-getting, scoring her huge Diva points. Then, she got herself together for the above-mentioned challenge, and well, you saw the result. Radul gave her the Diva Award though he comments that she could use some "surgical body enhancements."

The "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djin" award was very difficult for Hassim to decide this week. He says the Ulongs aren't cruel, they're just pathetic. He also says the Korors are too nice to even be considered. Eventually, he gave the award to Coby again, if only for his catty remarks about Katie's macrame and necklace making activities.

My "Dumbest American Move" this week goes to Stephenie. She promised Bobby Jon that she would vote with him, then changed her mind and voted with James, forcing an unnecessary tie. Then, she changed her mind AGAIN and voted against James at the tiebreaker. Now Bobby Jon and Ibrehem both know she's not trustworthy.

Last week on "Survivor: Palau," we were introduced to a new term: Ulonging. This tribe is getting picked off one by one BEFORE the merge. After winning a few cans of Pringles and a swimming trip, the Ulongs quickly fell back into routine and lost the Immunity Challenge. Stephenie made agreements with both factions in her tribe, and couldn't decide who to vote for. Eventually, she voted for BOTH Ibrehem and James in seperate votes. It's a long story. Anyway, poor James was sent on his way, and the Ulong tribe was down to three. Can it get any worse? Will Koror continue to dominate? Will we see any more puppet shows? Radul, turn off "Debbie Does Damascus"; let's get started!!!

I sit down to begin tonight's episode after helping myself to some of Yamiin's Buffalo Lamb, and I realize I have completely missed the obligatory nighttime shots of Ulong returning from Tribal Council. My family tells me that there WERE no nighttime shots this episode. Already, this has thrown me off; what am I to do without my weekly dose of night-vision?

Alas, more mysteries await. It seems the Ulong cave from Episode 2 has reappeared, and the Ulongs are now permanently living there. It is the morning after they have voted James off, and they are desperately trying to convince themselves they have a shot at winning this game. Stephenie says they could still make it. Even SHE doesn't seem convinced. Ibrehem says everything happens for a reason. Yes, because of the reason that your tribe keeps losing challenges. Bobby Jon wonders if three people can even be considered a tribe. Stephenie says no, it's a "menage-a-troi." The cameramen get excited until they realize the Alabama boys don't speak French.

With no luck at Ulong, our attention turns to Koror. At least there's more PEOPLE here. Tom is exercising. Gregg and Jenn are snuggling. Katie is knitting decorative lace curtains for the shelter. This is not "Survivor," it's "Design On A Denari!" Ian is in the water, and comes up with a huge, meaty clam that tries to bite his leg off. Several members of the tribe pounce on it, and before the vicious clam can claim any more lives, they pry its mouth open. The next thing we see, one of Palau's national treasures is simmering in a stew pot.

However, the abuse of local flora and fauna does not stop here. While washing out the clam shells (Katie plans on using them for a new "Little Mermaid" costume) the clam's blood attracts more sharks. Ian and Gregg immediately grab sticks with nails and head out after the intruders. They succeed only in spearing Ian's foot, but their antics distract the sharks from the REAL threat. Tom the Titan has grabbed a machete and has snuck up behind the sharks (from behind.) He slams a shark with the machete, spewing blood everywhere, then wrestles it out of the water, puts it in a headlock, pile-drives it into the sand and shouts "Who's Your Daddy Now?" Gregg runs up just in time to watch Tom rip the shark's head off with his teeth.

Koror spends the rest of the day worshipping at Tom's feet. Tom, for his part, realizes that he is now seen as a powerful player, but there's nothing he can do about it now. Coby tells us that it will indeed be harder to vote Tom off now that everyone worships him. Tom posts the shark's head on a stick as a reminder to anyone who would try to vote against him.

Day 17 begins with treemail at both tribes. The message mentions something about building a signal...

Ulong breathes a sigh of relief when they read their treemail. Finally, a challenge they can win!! They are so excited, they immediately begin tearing apart their shelter AND bathroom, figuring that the reward will be another professionally-built shelter like Koror got. Their plan is to send the entire camp up in flames. Ismira says that tradition should be saved for when there are the final two left at camp. Which at this rate, could be as early as tomorrow.

Since visibility and originality are the major factors in winning this challenge, the Ulongs decide to construct the word "Ulong" and hide it under the trees near the beach.Being the masters of self-deception that they are, they are convinced they have a winning plan. Ismira says now would be a good time to write "For a good time, call Jeff Probst" on the beach instead.

At the Koror camp, the tribe picks Gregg, Katie, and Caryn to work on the signal. Gregg, because he can chop and carry things. Katie, because she's funny, witty, and creative. Caryn, because they want her out of camp for a while. These three work on spelling out a tribute to the Palauan "FOOT GOD," which they accidently misspell into "GOT FOOD." Ian, meanwhile, is praying to said foot god to heal his shark-hunting injury. The rest of the tribe wonder how the project is proceeding, since they can't help. The puppet theatre is soon sacrificed to the foot god, as are the remaining kerosene and lanterns in camp. They hope to light their message on fire as well. And if Caryn should just HAPPEN to stumble in the fire...

Before long, Probst is flying overhead in a yellow Beechcraft with a Nigerian drug-smuggling priest... wait, wrong channel. Oh, here we are, Probst has Judge Judy with him this time to oversee the two messages. As they fly over the Ulong camp, both Probst and the judge can't see the message. They circle three or four times, then finally notice the word "Ulong" hidden in the trees. The tribe members are waving and screaming. Ibrehem waves politely at the plane. Ismira says somebody named "Clarence" would have stripped down to his "tighty whities." I have no idea who "Clarence" is or what "tighty whities" are, but he sounds like one of Radul's friends.

Next stop, the Koror camp. Ian is on his knees, pointing to the sky, looking up at Tom and shouting, "Da Plane!! Da Plane!!" Tom raises his coconut to the approaching plane and they toast. Meanwhile, Gregg is having a hard time lighting the fires at the altar of the foot god, and the tribe is certain they have lost the challenge. The judge, however, appreciates the fact that the group didn't simply use their tribe name (ahem) or hide the message in the trees (ahem.) Their message of "GOT FOOD" is prominently displayed. The judge nods to Probst, and our host pushes a crate out of the plane.

The Koror tribe cheers as they see the crate of food making its descent to their camp. Opening it, they discover a multitude of MRE packages (Meals Rarely Edible) and more wine so that Caryn can practice her monkey impressions again. After having only eaten ten pounds of clam and a twenty-pound shark the day before, the tribe is starving and immediately digs in to the supplies. Ismira says this will be the only tribe in "Survivor" history to actually GAIN weight while playing the game! The tribe continues the celebration, with even Katie and Caryn kissing. Radul hits the "Tivo" button and makes us replay that particular scene several times until we wrest the remote from his control.

Back at the Ulong beach, the tiny tribe hears the sound of the airplane making its return trip. They wait for supplies to fall from the sky to signify their victory, but the only thing that comes out of the airplane is Probst's finger. Without another word, the airplane flies away, and the Ulongs sit deep in the forest next to their message and wonder what went wrong.

Day 18, another day in paradise. Another day of Gregg and Jenn snuggling. I am beginning to wonder if this is just stock footage. Another day of Coby making catty remarks. He knows they're a couple, but he doesn't care as long as they vote with him. Well, he really DOES care, but he'll get over the one that got away...

Gregg keeps forgetting that this is "Survivor," and keeps thinking it's actually "Elimidate." He is worried about getting too close to Jenn, or maybe not getting close enough. How can he be a "player" and a "playa" at the same time? It's more than a straight white man should ever have to bear! Getting Jenn alone at the water well, he reassures her that things are still the same, but they both have to play the game as well. Satisfied that they have everyone fooled, they go back to the beach and make out. Tom is watching them (it's been 18 days without his wife, can you blame the man?) and realizes that their relationship might be a threat. He'll have to keep watching them even more closely. Ismira is singing "Loving, Touching, Squeezing," as we go to a commercial break.

Upon our return, we are watching Bobby Jon fishing for Ulong. Like Ian, he manages to snag another large clam. We are waiting for Ibrehem to come up with a shark next, but eventually reality sets in and we realize that is NEVER going to happen. Bobby Jon then goes on to catch another small fish, and feels like he just scored a winning touchdown. He hasn't heard about Tom's shark yet, but we all know Probst won't let that be a secret for long.

They cook the fish and clam until the meat is dry and burnt, so that it tastes just like the coconut they've been eating. With stomachs full and satisfied (just keep telling yourselves that, guys) they declare that they're ready for the next challenge. Must keep a straight face... must keep a straight... must keep a... oh, what the heck; HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

They have boosted themselves up just in time for tree mail. This treemail comes with a sliding puzzle in the design of a star. The instructions say to practice. Does anyone think they might have to solve one of these things in the upcoming challenge? Anyone? The Ulongs spend the next several hours looking to see if THESE pieces have "Survivor" trivia printed on them, then spend an hour deciding that the pieces are NOT actually edible.

Too late for more practice. It's time for the challenge. The tribes see each other for the first time all episode, and the Korors are shocked that James is gone. Darn it, now Ulong might start WINNING something. Ismira swears that, in keeping with the military theme of this season, James was actually a saboteur working for Koror. Seeing his performance in recent challenges, I am beginning to believe her. We will see if his absence makes a difference.

Ready to inflict further humiliation on Ulong, Probst asks how the fishing is going. Bobby Jon is proud to have nabbed a clam and a fish, but is scared of the sharks. Koror starts laughing. They tell the story of "Jaws VI; Be Very Afraid of Tom" and boast about shark roast, shark steaks, shark patties, shark burgers, and even the "Buffalo Shark" that they had for dinner. Suddenly, Ulong is hungry again. Stephenie and Bobby Jon ask if there can PLEASE be a merge, or a switch, or perhaps a murder-suicide pact. Stephenie even offers Probst the same deal that got Julie Berry into fifth place, but Probst is not that hard up. At least not yet.

Onto the game. Remember the practice puzzle? Ulong says yeah, it didn't taste very good. Both tribes will send three members out to a life-size version floating in the water. One will be the brains and lead the others in solving the puzzle. Koror will play Coby, Janu, and Jenn. Ulong will play... oh yeah, right. You three again. And no eating the pieces this time. Ready or not; GO!!!

Bobby Jon is the brains for Ulong. So THAT'S what the problem has been all along! Stephenie and Mr. Dead-in-the-water will move the pieces. For Koror, Coby will be the caller, and Janu and Jenn are in the water. Janu again looks tired and terrified; this bobbing up and down in the water reminds her of that horrible time at the "Disney on Ice" show when the ice freezers went on the fritz...

As the game progresses, Coby is making slow but steady progress, putting the pieces in place one at a time. Bobby Jon directs his tribemates to form the outline of Barney the Dinosaur with their pieces. Coby makes more progress, while Ulong now forms the shape of James's nose. Bobby Jon is staring and scratching his head; how to get these darn pieces to form the word "Ulong?" Finally, he trades places with Stephenie, who realizes that Koror is making a STAR out of their pieces. She can tell, because they only have one piece left to go! She frantically tries to make up time, but Ibrehem has long since given up and is tanning himself on the beach. Coby calmly guides his last piece into place for another Koror blowout!!! Probst has run out of insults; he simply mutters "See you at Tribal Council. Again," and excuses himself to go and pee on an electric fence.

As the Ulong "soon-to-be-down-to-two" tribe paddles back to their beach, Bobby Jon admits that he doesn't know who he's going to vote for tonight. This comes as a surprise to both Stephenie and Ibrehem, who BOTH thought they had an alliance with him. Stephenie tries to get him to commit to their relationship, but the young man is torn. Didn't we have something special, she intones. He has a deep fear of committment. He doesn't know who he has a better future with. Stephenie is hurt, betrayed. If I can't have him, she realizes, NO ONE will have him! She presents herself to Ibrehem. Take me, she pleads. We can go all the way! You don't need HIM. You thought he promised himself to you, but he was flirting with ME the whole time! He's a liar and he cheated on us both! Ibrehem is torn as well; he promised himself to Bobby Jon, but Stephenie is alluring... Perhaps Bobby Jon is indeed a two-timer, and Ibrehem and Stephenie can find happiness together. But it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday, you'll understand that... A mysterious fog rolls in, and it's time for Tribal Council.

At Tribal Council, we wintess a first. Probst has lost his voice from insulting the Ulong tribe. Valiantly, he keeps going with the task at hand. Whose idea was it to make Bobby Jon the caller at the challenge? He's obviously a moron. But he's a CUTE moron, Stephenie adds. Everyone is frustrated except Ibrehem, who got a great tan at the beach today. Probst correctly notes that ANYONE on Koror can beat you people, including Jon Dalton's dead grandmother. At one point today, Coby actually fell asleep waiting for you guys to make it a close game and add some suspense to this episode!

When Ulong is sufficently humiliated and beaten upon, Probst shows his softer side. Aren't you guys close after 18 days? Sure they are, they admit; they eat together, sleep together, and all take turns trying on Stephenie's underwear. Okay, enough of the softer side. Bobby Jon, why vote against Stephenie? She's a threat, and her underwear doesn't fit. Ibrehem, why should you stay? Because I'm the last black man, and Al Sharpton will sue if I'm kicked off. Stephenie, who are you voting for? I'm voting for the guy who forgot to bring tighty-whities. Bobby Jon, are you worried? Hmm, he replies, I'm not sure if packed my tighty-whities or not. Probst is tired, aggravated, and pretty creeped out by all the underwear talk, so he sends them off to vote. This shouldn't take long...

Everyone vote, but we see none of the votes. With this tribe, it could very well be a three-way tie. THEN what happens? Probst tallies the votes. One for Stephenie; I guess Ibrehem didn't see their future together after all. The second one is for Ibrehem, from Stephenie. A woman scorned... Who did Bobby Jon vote for? Ibrehem!!! Stephenie is relieved, and quietly slips Bobby Jon a "thank you" and a twenty-dollar bill as Ibrehem has his torch snuffed out. As Ibrehem trudges away to join James for a spirited religious debate on whose God let them down MORE, Probst tells the still-record-breaking tribe of two that they still have a chance; keep their spirits up. (Must keep a straight face... Must keep a straight face...)

Next week, it looks as if the rats are back at Koror. More protein on the menu! Coby the Catty is on a tear against the women of Koror, namely Katie, Janu, & Jenn. I guess Caryn doesn't count. At the cave-dwelling Ulong tribe, Bobby Jon is turning into a cave-dweller himself. Charlse Darwin in reverse!!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com