Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 6: "Shots, Knots, & Plots (a.k.a. "The Ulonging")

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

How can we go on? Voting gone haywire; the wrong people getting voted off! Our favorites leaving the show while the ones we despise continue on to next week! Last-minute voting issues that throw everyone into a tailspin; it's enough to make us scream in dismay!! Radul, please turn the satellite dish away from "American Idol!" It's time instead for us to watch "Survivor: Palau"; Probst is MUCH better at tormenting the contestants. And there is no one better than yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Barterer of Babylon, and clan to tell you what you need to know to make it through another week of the Middle East's favorite American program!

Cousin Hassim has endured a most difficult week. After poor Angie was dismissed last episode, our normally-vicious relative went into a severe depression. He tried praying five times a day with his prayer mat facing Mecca, then tried five more times a day facing Jerusalem. Even facing his prayer mat toward Hollywood five times a day did not seem to help. Now, he is contemplating hijacking some form of transportation and traveling to Palau with a bomb and demanding that Angie be put back in the game. Ismira told him that last week's episode was actually recorded months ago, and that if he went to Palau NOW, the only person he would see would be someone named "Wezzie." Brooding, Hassim spent the remainder of the week plotting horrific ways to inflict pain upon Jeff Probst should they ever meet.

My daughter Azidi has been a busy bee these last few days. She has been working part-time in my store this week, and business has been booming! Yamiin gave her all the leftovers from last week's Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew, and Azidi labeled it "Just Like The Stew They Ate On Survivor!" At 57 shekels a bowl, she sold it all in one day! In addition, she picked up a surplus supply of "G.I. Joe" action figures from E-bay, and re-packaged them as "Tom the Titan: as seen on Survivor!" Again, she sold 17 cases of the action figures in only two days! She is making Cousin Radul a "bobble-head" Tom the Titan for the dashboard of his camel. I didn't even know camels had... Oh, I give up.

Azidi and Ismira have come up with another crazy scheme; they have entered our tent into a local contest called "Trading Oasis." If we are selected, we will take someone else's tent and decorate it, while that family does ours. Please, Allah, I shudder to think what will happen if this comes to pass...

Moving right along, it is time to hand out our family's "Survivor" awards for this week! As I surmised last week, Ismira gave her "Strategic Award" to Gregg. He is currently buddies with Tom and Ian, the power players, but is hedging his bets by also forming ties with Coby and others. It is always a good idea to have more than one plan going, and Gregg has at least two that we can see. Time will tell how this works out for him.

Cousin Radul's "Diva of the Week" Award goes to Gregg's partner in crime, Jennifer. That's only because we wouldn't let him give it to Angie after she was voted out. Anyway, in true Diva style, she is letting Gregg do all the dirty work, while at the same time managing to stay clean, perky, and wholesome-looking. This Diva's work ethic would be a perfect fit with Kim (formerly of Ulong.)

My "Dumbest American Mistake" once again goes to the entire Ulong tribe. They are in the process of setting all the Survivor records you DON"T want to set. Last week, their dumb move consisted of wandering around the jungle lost like Israel in the desert. All of this, of course, in the rain while looking for a nonexistent cave. This certainly tops the "stinky bathroom" debacle of last week.

And finally, Cousin Hassim took time out of his brooding to give the "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djinn" Award to Ian. Normally Mr. Nice Guy, he spent last week slobbering and moaning and singing and dancing while eating beef stew in front of the Famished Ulongs at Tribal Council. It made Angie cry, and almost made Stephenie explode with frustration. My clan was proud of him, although I must admit, pointing at the stew and singing "Can't Touch This" was a bit extreme.

On with the show. Last week on "Survivor: Palau", everything was packed into an event-filled one-day episode. Koror won the only challenge of the episode when Ibrehem couldn't be "da man" for his tribe. Koror got to eat stew and otherwise taunt Ulong at Tribal Council, even though both tribes had to vote a member out. A last-minute immunity necklace for Ibrehem meant Angie was voted out along with Willard from Koror.

Ismira says that one tribe doesn't usually "Pagong" another tribe until AFTER the merge. I don't know what this means, but it either sounds perverted or painful. Or perhaps both, Radul suggests with a gleam in his eye. Both Cousin Hassim's prayer mat and AK-47 are pointed at Jeff Probst's house; let's get started!!!

Ah, the familiarity!! Once again, we are back at the Ulong camp, for another round of "Whose Fault Is It, Anyway?" James is still very mad at Ibrehem, and has given him 1000 points for his performance at the Immunity Challenge. But as we all know, similar to Ulong at a challenge, points don't matter. Everyone agrees that everyone (read Ibrehem) should listen to each other more. At least that's what we THINK they said; everyone on the tribe was talking at once and not listening to each other.

They spend the rest of the night arguing about whether they are listening or not. Bobby John, ever the optimist, says he doesn't care. They're ALL terrible, including himself, and that fighting because they lost some stew is pretty worthless. If the stew tasted anything like Yamiin's Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew, he would not be saying that.

At dawn the next morning, we see Ibrehem on a prayer mat... praying. Just like Cousin Hassim, his mat is facing Hollywood as Ibrehem gives thanks to Mark Burnett for keeping him in the game. Ibrehem says he feels blessed, that it was destiny that he remain, and that he believes God saved him. Again, we assume he's talking about Mark Burnett.

The rest of Ulong is apparently sleeping in this morning, so we turn our attention to the Koror tribe. A bird has caught a small fish on the beach, already it has surpassed the number of fish the tribes have caught! Regardless, the Korors are hard at work. On WHAT we are not sure, as their shelter has been professionally built. Now, they are adding a guest house and a media room for life theater performances.

Katie is holding a macrame class for the women of Koror. Using enough string to build two more shelters, she handcrafts a knotty headband necklace thingy. She is hoping that Probst will mistake it for the Immunity necklace and she will be safe for the rest of the game. The rest of the tribe is not happy; either she should get off her duff and chop bamboo for the new ampitheater project, or she should make Immunity necklaces for ALL of them. For her part, Katie admits that this whole "Survivor" thing is really pretty easy, what with the shelter, the macrame, and the phone number for Domino's Pizza all readily available.

Actually, Katie is having a pretty busy day. After the Performing Arts Center is finished, she and Coby put on a sock-puppet show where they make fun of all the Ulongs. Especially Angie, Bobby John, and "that girl with the really huge knockeroonies." Then, she and Janu make a trip to the Palau post office to pick up the tree mail. After this, Katie will need a day's rest!

The tree mail has one of the typical cryptic message about shooting something. No Katie, other than your mouth. There is also a Pringle. A SINGLE Pringle. And no trivia question on it, either. Excited nonetheless, the tribe breaks up the chip and has a feast. Jenn is hoping that they will simply line up the remaining Ulongs and shoot THEM.

Before we can see the Ulong's reaction to the tree mail, we are suddenly at the Reward Challenge. Cousin Hassim begins to get excited when we are treated to a close-up of a WW2 artillery piece, but quickly loses interest when he sees that the targets are tribe-colored tiles and not the Ulong tribe members. Koror arrives at the challenge and is disappointed for the same reason. The Ulongs finally arrive, minus Angie. Coby smirks at this development; secretely, he is relieved to have her gone since he had previously made her very, very, very MAD.

Probst explains the rules. It's not even a real WW2 gun; it's a paintball rifle they bought at "Target" and painted with camo colors. Anyway, the tribe members will take turns shooting; the first team to shoot all eight of their tiles will win the reward. It's a SECOND Pringle's chip!! As both tribes move to strangle Probst, he reveals the REAL reward; more Pringles, as well as mai-tais and a trip to Jellyfish Lake. There, they can snorkle with millions of jellyfish! Hassim is thinking this would make an incredible challenge, or perhaps torture, until he learns that these jellyfish are perfectly harmless. Probst is no longer Hassim's hero.

And the game is on. Nobody hits anything for a few rounds until they realize that the gunsight has been blocked with more Pringle's chips. Then, things start happening. Tom hits first. James misses. Stephenie hits. James misses again. Bobby John hits. James misses again. Gregg hits a tile. James misses again. Ibrehem hits. James takes a shot at Probst, but misses. Stephenie hits again. James misses again. Caryn hits. James misses again. Bobby John scores again. James misses again. Gregg hits again. James tries to shoot himself, but misses. Stephenie hits for a third time. James misses again. Caryn hits again. James... misses again. Bobby John scores again. James misses again. Gregg hits. Coby hits, ties the game up. James... yes you guessed it, he misses.

Then Tom misses the winning shot for Koror. Oh, no!! Stephenie hits (four for four!!) and Ulong has all eight tiles. It's all up to Caryn, now. Will she... Won't she... Will she? Maybe? Maybe not? All right, enough of the tension. She misses, and Ulong wins the Series for the first time since 1936!! There is much rejoicing (not to mention Pringle's). Probst immediately begins taunting Ulong again, but then realized that they WON this time. He is flabbergasted; and sends them out in their canoe to rendezvous with the arriving party boat.

Once on board, the Ulongs find a table filled with Pringle's cans and tropical drinks. Since the CBS producers naturally assumed Koror would win the challenge, there is food for eight here. The four members of Ulong get to eat and drink twice as much! There commences much crunching and guzzling. THESE Pringle's chips have "Survivor" trivia questions printed on them, so the Ulongs spend the boat ride realizing how much they don't know about the people who came before.

Stephenie is upset that HER name isn't on any of the chips yet, but asks the questions anyway. For instance, which Survivor is about to go to jail for tax evasion? Or which Survivor is now an amateur porn star? Or which Survivor married their own stepson? Interestingly enough, Ismira knows the answers to ALL these questions. Bobby John offers up a toast, saying "Roll Tide," and all the Alabama boys cheer in support.

Before the Survivors can answer who went to jail for beating up a bouncer in a bar, they have arrived at Jellyfish Lake. Soon, they have all donned snorkeling gear (even Ibrehem.) My family of desert-dwellers spend the next few minutes in absolute awe as we stare at the millions of jellyfish through which the Survivors are swimming. Azidi says they're nothing like what she saw in "Finding Nemo." The Survivors continue swimming until they come across a warm spot in the water. James says, "Oops, sorry," and the rest of the Ulongs scramble for shore. Adventure over.

We see no more of Ulong, because later that night, a tropical storm hits the Koror camp. The day's construction efforts did not include an underground bunker (that was scheduled for the next day), so Koror must weather the pounding rain and gusting winds. Tom says the winds have reached 40 mph; they can tell because they are using Katie's bra as a windsock. If the winds can move THAT thing... well, let's not go any further, shall we?

The storm has subsided by the next morning, and Katie's bra is once again safe. The Koror members are all safe and accounted for, lamenting the miserable night before. The storm has washed away all traces of the Cinderella's Castle sand sculpture they were working on, and they're all bummed. Next time, it will be made of bamboo.

Janu is taking things especially hard. She is wrapped up in the hammock like a soft taco, whimpering and crying for her mother. Sorry, the family visit episode is still several weeks away. Tom is trying to console her, knowing that if she stays in the hammock, HE'LL never get a turn. He is laying it on thick, going on about how Janu will be in the Final Two. The other tribe members know it's a load of NUMBER Two, but they let him encourage her. However, if they lose Immunity, everyone knows who to vote for, right? The plan is set.

And just in time, it seems. Today, another tree mail has arrived. This one is a box with the other team's flag in it. Has there been a mistake? The note reads something like this: "Secure the flag in the box- stop. Tie ropes around the box- stop. James has been leaving the toilet seat up - STOP!" Oh, wait, Stephenie added that last part. James says he knows the perfect knot to tie that the other team will NEVER untie. Doesn't James know he's just asking for it now? Being the Ulongs that they are, they believe James and proceed to tie the largest, ugliest knot the world has ever seen atop the box. Stephenie is SURE they'll win. My whole tent begins whispering "Foreshadowing..."

Soon, we are at the site of the Immunity Challenge. Both teams bring their boxes, tied up securely. Probst tells Janu to "Give it up," and Cousin Radul begins giggling. However, Probst is talking about the wooden monkey. Immunity is back up for grabs! Suprisingly, the tribes seem to actually believe this.

Bundles of sticks have been placed out in the lagoon. The teams must swim out, retrieve the sticks, and use them to further reinforce the protected box. Then, they must tear down the other team's construction to free their flag. The first team to get their flag wins. Koror must play Katie, Ian, Jenn, and Janu. Uh oh. Janu is trembling; all the ropes, knots and boxes are bringing back horrible memories of that David Copperfield show where she was an assistant...

Before Janu can lapse back into a catatonic state, the game is on! Jenn and Ian head into the water for Koror while Katie and Janu continue to tie knots around the flag box. Smart strategy. Stephenie and Bobby John head into the water for Ulong while... Ibrehem does a dead's man float in the water and James is taunting the other team by flashing them with his toga. Interesting strategy; we will see if it works. By the time Ulong gets all their wood to shore, Koror has already tied 126 more knots to the top of their box (Radul was counting.) Hmmmm....

Before long, each team has constructed a haphazard collection of sticks around their box that looks like the tinkertoy collection of Edgar Allen Poe. Ulong has used more rope, but Koror has used more knots. We will see which strategy pays off as the teams switch sides and begin deconstructing the nightmarish assemblies.

Things are pretty neck and neck until Ulong hits the 126 knots Koror tied while James was doing the "Stripper" dance. Ulong falls behind while Koror easily breezes through James' magical, impenetrable knot and quickly opens the box. Stephenie gives up and watches Koror hoist their flag, realizing that maybe, just maybe, it was a mistake to trust James. So, for the sixth time in a row, Ulong will be heading to Tribal Council. They should be getting Frequent Flyer Miles.

Ulong now has an entire day to simmer and brood over who they will vote out tonight.Steph and James talk; James is sure Bobby John won't ever vote for him. Bobby John tells us he is DEFINITELY voting for James. James says that God told him Ibrehem is going home tonight. Does God watch "Survivor?" Regardless, somebody is out of the loop here, and the loop is not that big.

Steph talks to Bobby John, and convinces him that James voted for him at the Last Tribal Council. She says that SHE voted for Angie, but conveniently neglects to tell him that it was at the SECOND vote. Privately, she tells us that she doesn't like to lie, but it was the only way to convince Bobby John she's being honest. Yes, my family is scratching our heads, too.

She finally agrees with Bobby John to vote against James. Ibrehem is away offering sacrifices to Mark Burnett, so he is unavailable for consultation. Bobby John trusts Stephenie, and thinks he can go to the end of the game with her. If the other EIGHT Koror members have nothing to say about it, that is. Stephenie is unsure of which way to vote. Ismira says if you're going to lie, you'd better be good at it, and it doesn't look like Stephenie is that good. I would not bet against Ismira.

Now it's time to put Ulong out of its misery one more time. To add insult to injury, the Tribal Council area still smells of beef stew. Probst wastes no time in doing what he does best. James, you're a loser. Ibrehem, you're a loser. Stephenie, you're a loser. Bobby John, you're a good-looking loser. James, you're a loser again. At the challenge, Ibrehem was playing the bobbing game again, while James was too busy re-enacting "The Full Monty" and not tying up the box. Ibrehem, black men can't swim and a black man has never won "Survivor." Do you want to give up? Nah. James, you totally screwed up the challenge today, and no one with a nose as big as yours has ever won "Survivor." Do you want to give up? Nah. Stephenie, you're outnumbered by three Bama boys, and no one wearing a plain white bra has ever won "Survivor," except Richard Hatch. Do you want to quit? Stephenie smacks Probst upside his head.

Stephenie says she's lost all hope of winning, but she just doesn't want to go 0-9 and be totally humiliated. Probst says check back in three episodes. Now, let's talk about trust. Bobby John says he trusts everyone, and we believe him. Stephenie says she trusts everybody, and we laugh heartily. Azidi says, "She is SO not a liar." Probst asks her if she feels threatened by the Bama boys, or by the "white bra" thing. Another smack to the head is his answer, so he finally sends them off to vote.

James votes for Ibrehem, saying something about burning crosses and Selma, Alabama. Or maybe that was Hassim doing a voice-over. Ibrehem votes for James, but is more polite about it. We are sure that Stephenie will vote for James to avoid a tie and keep the trust alive with Bobby John, but when the votes are read, it's a 2-2 tie. Stephenie has voted for Ibrehem! Azidi says, "She is SO in trouble now."

They revote, and Stephenie makes the decision she should have made the first time. She and Bobby John both vote for James, and the Alabama Pinnochio is finally sent home. Who will we find with a nose bigger than our Middle Eastern ones to make fun of NOW? However, Stephenie must now face up to the fact that she lied to Bobby John and tried to kick Ibrehem out. Both men are sure to be pleased by that one!

Probst informs them that they have now set the All-Time Survivor record for smallest, worst, most losingest, and overall most foolish tribe of all time. Ismira has coined a new phrase: "Ulonging." She says it's like "Pagonging," but it happens BEFORE the merge. We will see if this phrase catches on in the Internet world; she is adding it to her blog as we speak.

Next time, it appears we get to see more of the plotting finally starting to take place at the Koror camp. Tom is beginning to suspect that Gregg and Jenn may be up to something more than snuggling. None of us think Tom will let THAT go unchecked. Over at Ulong, Bobby John catches a small fish, and rejoices. Just wait until they hear about Tom's SHARK!!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com