Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 4: "Palauan Procrastinators, Pugilists, and Porta-Potties"

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

We are really getting into the thick of things, now! The agony, the whining, the sour faces, the overdone drama, the pretending you're about to pass out... Yes, Azidi, you must eat ALL your vegetables! If you do not hurry and finish, you will not be able to sit with us and watch this week's episode of "Survivor!" Indeed, once again, it is time for this wonderful addiction that has taken over our village here in the middle of the Middle East. And as you have no doubt come to expect, Honest Achmed, the Persian Profiteer, and the rest of my Survivor-savvy clan are here to watch, comment, curse, and argue with each other as we sojourn through more twists and turns of this week's episode!

We have not seen much of Ismira this week. She has been checking out web sites for something she calls "The Amazing Race." I told her that the "Amazing Race" was, of course, the Arab bloodline. She rolled her eyes, and told us that it is yet another game show that we cannot tune into in our part of the world. Cousin Radul took this as a challenge, and has spent the entire week experimenting on our antenna dish to see if he can pick up this elusive signal. He has purchased illegal signal boosters, and and is even now patching in stolen U.S. military targeting sensors to increase our antenna's reception. He somehow got these from Cousin Hassim, and I now have my own "Don't Ask; Don't Tell" policy.

Ismira is only interested in this new show because two people named "Rob" and "Amber" are participating. She says that Rob and Amber were the winners of a previous round of "Survivor." Well, Amber was, anyway, and Rob... well, it's a long story, and bandwidth is short. They are now engaged to be married. All together now, "Aaaaaawwwwwww!" Before they marry, they will be competing in a televised around-the-world race. Ismira says it will be the ultimate test to see if their relationship can survive. I believe she is correct; Ismira and I can barely ride on the same camel together. "Turn left! No, I meant right! Pull back on the reigns! Watch the goat droppings! Oh, great, now we're in a mine field; I TOLD you to stop and ask for directions!"

Enough about Ismira. As you may remember, Cousin Hassim and I recently put together our own version of Survivor, entitled "Survivor: the Sahara." If you don't remember, read the past scribes. Anyway, the entire endeavor was great fun, and will soon be airing on Al-Jazeera this summer. The airing may be delayed a bit; it simply depends on how long it takes to work out all the wrongful death lawsuits. We are thinking about hiring Michael Jackson's attorney. As the weeks progress, I will be telling you pieces of what transpired on OUR show. And you thought Jeff Probst was cruel!!

At this time, let's give out our family's weekly awards. Ismira is back on track this week with her Strategic award. This award goes to dearly departed Jeff (not Probst) who decided to sacrifice himself so that he wouldn't slow his team down. A selfless move to be sure, but strategic for his team. Not very strategic for HIMSELF, though. My family agrees that he should have murdered Kim, stolen HER leg, performed impromptu surgical joint replacement, and continued playing. Ismira is sure there is a rule violation in there somewhere.

Cousin Radul's "Diva of the Week" award goes to Angie. He admires her bizarre sense of style and body art, and the fact that she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She performed like a whirling dervish at the challenges, displaying great Diva-dunking attitude. Also, Radul adds, her breasts insisted on bouncing out of her bra the entire episode, scoring mega diva-points.

We finally let Cousin Hassim have his wish this week, and let him give his "Cruellest Son-Of-A-Djinn" award to Jeff Probst. Our sadistic host made the Survivors carry heavy backpacks and trudge in an endless circle in steadily rising water. He commanded this forced march for hours in the relentless sun, while sitting in the shade drinking pina coladas. Kudos to Jeff Probst!!

My "Dumbest American Mistake" Award goes, suprisingly enough, to the same person who won the Strategic Award. Jeff certainly had a busy week. His simple slip on a coconut in the middle of the night cost him a strong chance at a million dollars, and cost his tribe a lot of strength in the process. This week, it's the "Watch where you're going, knucklehead" Award. I suspect that Jeff has taken the offending coconut home with him, and that it will soon show up on E-Bay.

On to newer and better things. Last week on "Survivor: Palau," Ulong won another Reward challenge for sewing supplies, and now look like the fraternity brothers from "Animal House." Koror went on to win the Immunity Challenge (again) and won the right to keep Caryn's mouth around for another few days. Jeff injured himself, and asked his team to vote him out. Even though his bad leg was still stronger than Kim's good ones, they gave him his wish and sent him home. Who from Ulong is going home tonight? Oops, are we making that prediction a little too early? Radul has finished picking up SETI signals from the Delta Quadrant and has tuned us back into "Survivor"; let's get started!!!

As we have come to expect, it is the night after Tribal Council for Ulong. I have long since given up trying to fix my HDTV for these night scenes. The tribe is complaining that Probst keeps making them get rid of tribe members. They are puzzled by the fact that Koror is weaker than they are, but keeps winning challenges. They eventually decide that Koror is smarter, or that maybe Probst has the hots for one of the Koror members. My family thinks maybe, just maybe, Koror has tribe members that actually PARTICIPATE in challenges. And as for brains verses strength, my uncle Nimron used to say "Wisdom is the greatest strength of all." He wrote greeting cards for a living.

James, particularly, is upset and vows to never go to Tribal Council again. Either this is foreshadowing, or he is being set up to look like the biggest goober of all time. Ismira suspects the latter. James says he'll "stomp" anybody who doesn't help, and Kim moves to the other side of the fire. Bobby John, showing probably the most wisdom on this tribe, admits that things are a mess. Whether this is wisdom or simply reiterating the blatantly obvious, we do not know.

It is daylight once again, and a rat is scurrying around the beach. This can only be the Koror camp! Wasting no time, tree mail has already arrived. This looks to be a busy, event-filled day. The cryptic message says to choose someone who will make some decisions for the tribe. Other than this, the instructions make no indication whether this person will be swapped to the other tribe, given Immunity, or cut up as bait to attract more sharks.

Whatever the outcome, several tribe members volunteer for the mysterious job. This tribe simply relishes the unknown! Coby especially volunteers to be shark bait, but no one is listening to him. Ignoring his jumping and cries of "Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!" the tribe eventually picks Ian. Tom says that Ian is the leader of this tribe, and everyone accepts Tom's leadership and agrees that Ian is the leader. Coby is upset at not being chosen (not as upset as Jonathon and Wanda, I'll bet) and realizes that the tribe is beginning to split into two distinct factions. Unfortunately, he is in the minority faction, although with minority status he can get government set-asides and other perks. Life is not too bad.

Over at Ulong, things are not going as smoothly. Upon reading their tree mail, the tribe realizes that they will have to make a DECISION. This throws the group into an absolute tailspin. Unlike Koror, NOBODY on this tribe wants to be cut up for shark bait, although everyone wants someone ELSE to do it. Maybe they should draw straws, but Kim is against this idea. After all, SHE might have to do it. They head out in the canoe to pretend to fish and put off anything as mind-boggling as decision-making.

And before we can say, "So long, Ulong," Probst is arriving at the islands in a powerboat emblazoned with the "Home Depot" logo. Ah, corporate sponsorship! Hassim and I tried to get sponsors for "Survivor: The Sahara," but the PLO was out of money in their advertising budget. Probst is carrying what looks to be an outhouse, and suddenly Ian is sorry he was volunteered for this job.

Probst tells Koror that the newest contest is to BUILD an outhouse, using lumber and tools from the Home Depot. Ian, as leader, gets to pick out tools and will decide who sits out of the challenge. Ian is in luck; his father was a contractor who once worked on the Clinton Memorial Library, I believe. Or perhaps his father was just a Clinton intern. Whatever the case, Ian chooses the tools and decides that Jennifer, Coby, and Janu are too girly to help and must sit out. For Janu, it's just as well; the thought of a bathroom brings back horrible memories of that incident in the ladies' room of the MGM Grand in Vegas... before we can transition to a dramatic flashback, Probst is gone and Koror starts to work.

Meanwhile, the men of Ulong are fishing while the ladies are helping out by... watching. No, I'm serious. Upon their return to the beach after a wrong turn at Easter Island, they find Probst waiting impatiently for them. Probst is further angered when they admit they haven't chosen a leader yet, and almost sends them back to Tribal Council on the spot. To avoid another trip so soon, the tribe throws James out of the boat as their representative.

Probst explains the challenge to them. Tomorrow, he and Simon Cowell will come back and judge the bathrooms the tribes have built. Simon will make obnoxious remarks and plug another game show on a competing network. The tribe whose bathroom displays the most originality, sturdiness, and poo-poo capacity will win a custom-built shelter for their tribe and a half-hour special next week on HGTV. Ulong, er, rather, the losers will get nothing but the outhouse.

To James' relief, he is not sacrificed to the gods of Palau, and quickly chooses tools. Turns out, his family was in construction too, having worked on the Jed Clampett Memorial Library. He chooses a "hammer-hatchet thingy" as well as a pick-axe "just in case that lazy Kim gives me any trouble." Privately, he says he'll make his tribe work hard. Ismira is shaking her head already...

Back at Koror, everyone is working hard. That is, if everyone consists of Tom, Ian, and Gregg. The others are putting in accessory touches like directional signage (put butt here), landscaping along the pathways, and a Reader's Digest by the toilet (we have those in my village, too.)

Caryn, meanwhile, is still working on the case of "Caryn the sit-around-and-complainer vs. Tom the get-things-done-by-hard-worker." She is complaining about Tom's leadership. Apparently, she didn't get Tom's executive memo about how IAN is the leader. And another thing... Does this woman like ANYBODY?

Koror's work ethic is boring, so we switch back to Ulong, where trouble is bound to be brewing. Sure enough, James is making decisions. How dare he!!!!! He has taken a leadership role, and has proclaimed himself the "Commode King." He commands the women to measure his derriere, so that the toilet can be customized for him. Kim asks if the toilet seat has a Tempurpedic cushion. She is so tired from all this watching, she has to sit down and rest. Some of the tribe is mad at James for working too hard; some of the tribe is mad at Kim for not working hard enough. If Chuck Barras were here, he would give "Ulong the Gong."

Kim manages to gather enough strength to watch Bobby John chop down trees, but the exhaustion almost overtakes her. She really doesn't like all these people who work; this is a foreign concept to her. Privately, she considers herself the only smart one. People worldwide share a collective laugh at her expense. Meanwhile, James is sitting on the completed "throne," demanding toilet paper and the Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit" issue.

Probst arrives at the Koror camp the following morning with "Jesse," not Simon, who is off laying down vocals for "Shrek 3." Tom, slipping easily into the role of a New York tour guide, shows off the restroom facilities for the two guests. The toilet area is very sturdy, with leaves for toilet paper. The bottom toilet is for Coby's faction, while the toilet directly above is for Tom's faction (Eeeewwwww!) Well, some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

The shower is adjustable, with the shower stall built sturdily. It also has holes so that the cameramen can get video of Jennifer, Janu, and Katie showering. Probst marks down lots of bonus points for Koror. He tells them they will get extra points if the three women shower TOGETHER. Radul excuses himself to go take his own shower as we go to commercial.

When we return, Probst and Jesse are at the Ulong camp, where to no one's surprise, things are not finished yet. (I'm not making this up. Honest.) They also give their guests a tour. Probst and Jesse notice several things; the structure is shaky, the toilet is immediately next to the shower area (hold your nose), and the Ulong tribe has defaced CBS and Home Depot property by writing suggestive messages about Probst in the toilet. Now, they're REALLY getting on his good side. Back in the States, Julie Berry is extremely jealous. Probst and Jesse leave the island, writing on their notepads. I zoom in with my HDTV and can tell that they're writing "Worst. Toilet. Ever." James, however, doesn't see how they can lose. Either this is foreshadowing, or he's being set up as the biggest... yes, definitely the latter.

Sure enough, the next thing we see is a CBS & Home Depot boat arriving at the Koror beach. A construction crew hops off, and within hours, they have constructed a brand-new structure for Koror, complete with floor, roof, raised deck, great room, master jacuzzi suite, and those beds you put quarters in to make them vibrate (I have seen them in Cairo.) As the crew leaves, they bring in an ice chest with two bottles of champagne for the Koror tribe to celebrate. It is Probst's intent to make the Survivors drunk and hopefully catch some incriminating footage.

His plan pays off. Soon, Tom and Ian are recreating their favorite scenes from "Dirty Dancing" and Caryn is laying back laughing like a chimpanzee in extreme pain.

Meanwhile, at the Ulong beach, the tribe sits and stares into the lagoon, certain that their reward is coming. They sit and stare well into the night, but the Great Pumpkin never shows up. Eventually, the thought occurs to them that maybe they DIDN'T win the contest. They agree that, in the morning, they will contact "Extreme Home Makeover." In the meantime, they're angry. They will DEFINITELY win the Immunity Challenge now. Either this is foreshadowing, or they're being set up... Oh, never mind.

The very next day, more tree mail arrives. It's a message about more combat!! Cousin Hassim is beyond hoping ammunition will be involved when he sees the Survivors are given a large pillow with which to fight. Stephenie practices by attacking a defenseless tree with the pillow until it cries for mercy. The Survivors are sure this will be some contest stolen from "American Gladiators." Cousin Radul is hoping to see bodybuilders in skimpy, metallic costumes.

No bodybuilders, but the challenge is going to be a type of gladitorial combat. The Survivors will face off in pairs, trying to knock each other off a platform into the water using the pillow. Oh, and no groin kicking. Darn it; Angie immediately has to formulate a new plan. The first team to six points wins the sacred monkey. And with a wave of Probts's arm, they're off!!

Tom the Titan faces off against Bobby John. Bobby John knocks him down, but Tom gets up and smacks BJ off the platform. Stephenie goes against Jennifer, and it's no contest; Jen is in the water. The score is tied. Gregg is up against Ibrehem next. Ibrehem loses the pillow and dives overboard looking for it. In "Caryn vs. Angie," Caryn can't begin opening arguments before she is in the water. Tied again! Coby goes against James, and immediately forces the skinny redneck into the lagoon.

Next is Kim versus Janu. Will Kim actually TRY this time? She has to!! Well... no, she doesn't. Janu hits her once, and Kim turns and runs into the water. Heck, Jeff could've done that!!

It's Koror 4, Ulong 2. Looks like a rout, especially after Tom picks up Bobby John and tosses him all the way back to the beach. 5 to 2!! But then Steph and Jen face off again, and Stephenie wins. Gregg and Ibrehem fight again, and Ibrehem wins this time!! Angie goes after Caryn, and you can guess the result. The game is now tied!!!

It's down to Coby versus James. The two men go toe to toe, slugging it out for a long time. The two sweaty men wrestle all over the platform. Radul has to go take another shower. Eventually, Coby overpowers James, and rolls him off the platform. Koror wins again!!!

When Radul returns from his shower, we are having trouble with our antenna reception. Since Koror has won the challenge, Radul knows that Coby will not be shown the rest of this episode, so he volunteers to go outside and work on the antenna dish some more. After a few minutes, the picture does not get any better, and we are wondering if he is experiencing difficulties.

After the challenge at the Ulong camp, they are lamenting their defeat. James is embarassed that "his behind was whipped by a homosexual." Cousin Hassim says there are men in America who would pay handsomely for that privelege. James says gay people are strong because they "work out at the gym" all the time. Ismira begins singing "YMCA" while Azidi assists her with all the arm motions.

The men all agree, as does the television viewing audience, that Kim is worthless and must be the next one voted out. The women discuss voting off one of the men, who were pretty much worthless in the recent challenge. That would give them a 3-2 advantage, but would mean they would lose even MORE challenges. They spend a few minutes silently cursing the coconut that led to their demise.

Then, it's time for this enthusiastic bunch to head off to Tribal Council. Probst has affixed little personalized brass commemorative plaques to their seats for the occasion. He asks them the same questions: How does it feel to be the worst tribe in Survivor history? I'll bet it feels bad, doesn't it? Why are you so worthless? Why are the three remaining guys all from Alabama? Ulong, of course, can answer none of these questions.

There is a commotion outside the tent, and my daughter Azidi goes outside to take a look. She returns in astonishment to report that she saw Cousin Radul being hauled away by a US military convoy!! Apparently, the soldiers traced their equipment to our antenna! Hassim slinks quietly away to a corner of the tent. I hope they do not put Radul into a military prison; I have heard of some of the abuses there... On second thought, Cousin Radul might enjoy it.

When our attention again returns to the television, Probst is asking the Ulongs who works around camp. Kim shouts "Not Me!!" as her tribemates stare at her. Can the women survive without the men? Stephenie says of course, but they wouldn't be able to have babies. Didn't you study biology, Probst? however, she says, THESE particular men are worthless. Bobby John says he wishes Kim would go kill a bear. Or maybe get eaten by one. James chimes in to say that Coby has a nice, strong, tight behind. Before the conversation can degrade any further, Probst tells them it's time to vote.

James votes for Kim. No surprise there. Kim votes for James. No surprise there, either. Those are the only two votes we are shown, so everyone in my tent knows what this means...

And we are all correct. The vote turns out to be 5-1, and Kim is going away. Probst wonders who's going to pick up her workload now that she's gone. And Yamiin thinks I am sarcastic? The remaining five losers trudge off into the darkness, with the sound of laughing chimpanzees in the distance...

Next week, it looks like Jennifer and Gregg are beginning to snuggle. The last couple to do that are now doing it together at Loser's Lodge! Also, the Ulong tribe gets lost coming back from Tribal Council. THERE'S a surprise. And... are you ready... another TWIST!!!

And now, as a worthless little straw figure blazes above our heads, a note to all our faithful readers: It seems that Cousin Radul will be unavailable to choose his "Diva of the Week" award this episode, at least until we can find out where he is being held. We need your help!! Please post or e-mail and tell us who Radul's choice for "Diva of the Week" should be. He will be eternally grateful!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com