Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 5: "Saki, Stew, And Goodbye To Two"

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

Ah, the haves and the have-nots!! The double-dealing, one side accusing the other side of lies, the ones in the mansion versus the ones practically homeless! The touching, the hugging, the groping! Will the Michael Jackson trial never end? Please, we need more satellite room to watch "Survivor: Palau!" Now that the Survivors are getting whittled down to a more manageable number, we can finally remember all their names (Except for Ismira, who knew all their names weeks before the premier. She has no other life.) The ceiling of my tent is covered in soot from all the burnt straw effigies, but we press on. Yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Mesopotamian Mega-Merchant, is here to tell you what is REALLY happening!

Ismira is entering yet another "Survivor" contest. She tells us she must video a re-creation of a famous scene from "Survivor" history. Her first attempt involved getting Cousin Hassim to portray someone named "Mike" sitting next to a campfire. I was not present at the filming of this scene, but I could hear Hassim's cries of pain from the other side of the village. Ismira said it was very realistic. She managed to enlist me in her second attempt, although I was dubious. She said all I had to do was pretend I had a sea urchin sting, and she would do the rest. It sounded very simple and painless, until... Well, let's just say I won't be letting Ismira submit THAT tape to the American producers! Now, both Hassim and I are watching our hands very carefully.

Thanks be to Allah, we are very grateful to finally have Cousin Radul back in our midst. Last week, he was apprehended by American soldiers after they discovered military hardware connected to our antenna dish. He was hauled away for interrogation, to see if he harbored any military intelligence. We feared for his life, but after only two days he returned to us unharmed. As it turns out, not only did Radul have no military intelligence, but the Americans eventually decided he had very little intelligence of ANY kind! They sent him on his way with a caseful of MRE packagesand a six-pack of Diet Coke. In addition, Radul managed to swipe something he calls a "Tivo Box" and is even now hooking it up to our widescreen HDTV.

The first thing Radul did upon his return was to proclaim Angie "Diva of the Week" for the second week in a row. She continued her kick-butt attitude in the challenges, and was a definite decision-maker in her tribe. Radul also likes the way her "butterfly jiggles," whatever that means. Long live the Diva!

Ismira's Strategic Award goes this week to Tom and Ian. The two men are definitely the leaders at the Koror camp, which normally would make them resented by the rest of the tribe. However, these guys are managing to stay likeable and encourage everyone. They are forming a sub-alliance within thier tribe, something Ismira calls a "Minimum Winning Coalition." This could take them a long way in the game; look for one or both of these two men to make it to the Final Four. (It is March Madness, after all.)

Hassim had a very hard time picking a "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djinn" award this week. Poor Ulong was again pummelled in every aspect of the game, and Koror is dominating without being really cruel or snotty about it. Eventually, he decided to give the award to James, simply for his less-that-politically-correct lamentations concerning Coby's sexuality. Not extremely cruel, but as good as it got last week.

My "Dumbest American Award" this week goes to the entire Ulong tribe, for the construction of their latrine. Have these people, especially James, ever smelled the odor coming from an outhouse? That's why people used to put them "out!" Putting such a foul-smelling poo-pit next to the showering and teeth-brushing area makes me lose my roast lamb. Additionally, their "joke" of Probst-grafitti on the toilet seat didn't seem to sit well with The Dastardly One, and I am sure he was more than happy to give the reward to the other team.

Will there be any more dumb mistakes? I think we can bet on it. Last week on "Survivor: Palau," Ulong was not as toilet-trained as Koror, and Koror won a custom-built shelter from THE HOME DEPOT. (See, I have sponsors, too.) Later, the Koror tribe went on to beat Ulong again and win Immunity. In what was probably the most no-brainer vote in several seasons, Ulong voted to get rid of Kim. Probst actually ran out of horrible things to say about them, thev've been to Tribal Council so much. Will Ulong continue the longest-running losing streak in Survivor history? Will factions continue to develop at Koror? Will Coby finally put some pants on? (for Allah's sake, man, my daughter is watching!) Ismira is trying to film something she calls "the Ted & Ghandia Story"; let's get started!!!

As always, it's night again, and Ulong is lamenting... Wait, this is not Ulong, it's Koror! What could be happening to draw us away from watching Ulong in pain and suffering? It can only mean one thing... the cameramen think they might be cathing a little "horizontal hokey-pokey" on tape!

And yes, we see Jenn and Gregg in the honeymoon suite of the newly-built Palau Holiday Inn, snuggling and cuddling with each other. They are accompanied by a piano and violin, filtering up from the show lounge on the first floor of the hotel. Coby is watching, drooling with envy. Whether it's for Jenn or Gregg, we do not know. I begin to make a comment about how much of a pervert Coby is, but then I notice Cousin Radul staring at the HDTV with the same expression. I hold my tongue for now.

Privately, Coby tells us that everyone knows they're a couple. Yeah, a couple of... but I digress. Coby says they will have to watch the couple carefully. Drooling, he volunteers for the job.

The one Koror NOT volunteering for any jobs is Willard. He is sleeping in the hotel's hammock, oblivious to the darkness around him. Although he is closest to the fire, no one can convince him to get up and take care of it. After seeing what happened to Cousin Hassim, I really do not blame him. They try subtle hints like, "The fire's going out, you old fart!" and "If the fire goes out, so does the geezer's torch!" Willard is oblivious to their taunting, and snoozes on. Ismira says Willard reminds her of one of the old guys in the balcony on "The Muppet Show."

But before we can further investigate this line of reasoning, we are back at the Ulong camp. Or rather, we are deep in the jungle somewhere in the vicinity of the Ulong camp. Having felt absolutely no remorse at voting off Kim hours ago, the tribe has decided that wandering lost in the jungle would be a cool thing to do on a dark, rainy, cold night. They are looking for the caves from Episode 2, but none of the Ulong members can remember that many episodes back. They wander in circles for a while, then approach the cliff where the cave should be. Unfortunately, there's no cave there in THIS episode. Or is there a cave cover-up conspiracy afoot? Quick, call a congressional hearing!

Finally, they decide to call off the search for the missing cave, and head back to camp. Once there, they settle in for a miserable night. James tries to encourage his tribemates by chanting "Do Not Quit," but his hillbilly accent makes it sound like "Doughnut Kit," and they get even hungrier into the night.

Indeed, the sun will come out tomorrow. The rain ceases, and yet another day dawns as Ulong picks through the mud-coated remnants of their camp. The entire tribe staggers around camp, dazed and confused from the lack of sleep, unable even to form intelligible words. They silently stare at each other, wondering if staying in Loser Lodge wouldn't be a better place, after all. The good news is; they'll probably all find out soon enough. There is no energy in the camp; let's hope nothing important happens today...

Over at Koror, we see something we haven't seen all season; Tom is griping about someone! Finally, some more conflict at Camp Dudley-Do-Right! Tom is upset that "Grumpy Old Man" slept in the hammock all night while Tom had to keep climbing over him to tend the fire. Even those "accidental" knees to the groin didn't wake Willard up. Nobody has told Tom about Willard's "accident" back in Vietnam, or he would've known... Anyway, Tom and Gregg discuss that the only way one of THEM will ever get the hammock will be to vote Willard out at the earliest opportunity. He might be a strategic threat later in danger of taking over, just like Kim's brain is running the show over at Ulong. They don't know yet... Tom admits that last night's lack of sleep has taken its toll on him. He has no energy; let's hope that nothing important happens today...

And with that amount of forshadowing, my daughter Azidi announces that the perfect thing for Probst to do today would be to have a strenuous challenge with another Tribal Council tonight, just one day after the last one!! My family scoffs at her, but only a minute later, we see that Probst has taken her suggestion and that is EXACTLY what is about to happen. Great, now Azidi will not let us hear the end of this one.

In an instant, we see the Survivors lined up in yet another lagoon as Jeff Probst explains today's challenge. Team members will be pulled on a raft out to a shipwreck, where they will dive down for treasures. I believe Robert Ballard's team played this same game at the site of the "Titanic." These "treasures" are bottles of saki; and no, James, there is no saki in them for you to drink! The dead Japanese sailors on the shipwreck got to them first! But the first team to find 6 bottles and bring them back will win the reward... And this is where things go haywire.

Both teams will be voting out members at Tribal Council TONIGHT. Koror was just getting too strong, and we finally want to see you boring guys fight a little. And Ulong, well, we just like to see you keep suffering. Today's winner will get to sit at Tribal Council and eat beef stew (no Dinty Moore sponsoring) and drink root beer (no Barq's sponsoring). The losing team will be forced to watch, listen, and smell as the winners slobber and drool (and we're not just talking about Gregg and Jenn).

Probst hollers his trademark "GO!!" Steph and Jenn hop onto the rafts and are quickly pulled along by their tribemates. They return with bottles, and Gregg and Angie are next. Sure enough, after the two Ulong women are finished, Ulong has a sizeable lead. What will the Ulong men do THIS time to screw things up?

The answer is not long in coming. Ibrehem dives off his raft into the water, but his musclebound chest won't allow him to hold any air. He simply can't stay down long enough to reach the saki bottles. Coby, with not any musclebound problems whatsoever, quickly catches up, dives, and come up with a bottle. He is all the way back to his tribemates while Ibrehem is still bobbing up and down like a cork in a toilet. After several nmore tries, he gives up and is pulled back to his team and replaced by Bobby John.

My tent is jeering at poor Ibrehem, saying how he perpetuates the stereotype about black people who can't swim, but I remind my family that NONE OF US know how to swim. It is a long way to water from our village, and the Persian Gulf is filled with explosives. They cease their taunting, although Hassim is still mumbling something derogatory under his breath about the Civil Rights Movement.

Koror is so far ahead now, it looks like abother rout. However, it is Ian's turn to make a fool out of himself. He dives down to the wrong shipwreck, and can't find any bottles. He does, however, find Ginger's underwear from "Gilligan's Island." Sorry, try again. James grabs a bottle from the correct shipwreck; Ulong is catching up! Ian manages to find the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, the Heart of the Ocean, artifacts from the lost continent of Atlantis, PT-109, the Little Mermaid's treasure stash, and Jimmy Hoffa's remains, but still no saki bottles.

Finally, he sees the bottles and grabs one. By this time, the race is tied again. Ian decides to go out AGAIN, now that he knows where the bottles are. He quickly grabs the final bottle and is pulled back to the tribe. Koror wins!! Probst is really beginning to sound like a broken record (That would be a "digitally corrupted CD," Azidi) Our worthy-of-loathing host taunts Ulong again, but says he will see both tribes at Tribal Council tonight.

We are next treated to some of the happenings at the victorious Koror camp before Tribal Council. Ian gloats about how "poor (ha-ha) Ulong is (ha, ha) getting (ha, ha) decimated." He sounds very sincere. He can't wait for Tribal Council. Coby cautions the tribe to be civil as they slurp their stew in front of Ulong later tonight, but Ian is already doing the "Chicken Dance" and singing songs he undoubtably learned from Wanda.

At Ulong, all fingers are pointing at Ibrehem. James says he "gave up"; obviously, Ibrehem paid no heed to the "doughnut" chant of the night before. Stephenie says she'll throw up at Tribal Council, she's so hungry. (Stephenie, I believe that would only result in dry heaves.) She believes her only hope is that a merge will come soon. Ibrehem is upset with himself as well. He has just lost his chance at that new UPN sitcom, "Everybody Loves Ibrehem." Even Cousin Radul can see how this Tribal Council vote will happen tonight.

Back at Koror, the vote seems every bit as obvious. Mark Burnett must be setting the contestants up for SOMETHING. Tom and his "posse" discuss how "Willard the Weak" needs to be eliminated before the Immunity challenges become more puzzle-oriented and he turns into "Willard the Wily." Willard, for his part, knows he's going home tonight. He takes Coby aside and asks if Coby wants to "get into his shorts." Coby is speechless, but flattered. He doesn't want Willard to go home tonight, but can't stop the vote, and doesn't want to go against the group at this point. Ismira takes note of this wise move.

Turns out, this is Coby's lucky day. Gregg approaches him as well, but NOT for what Coby is dreaming. Gregg tells Coby of his play to overthrow Tom and Ian when the field is narrowed down to seven. Ismira is making more notes. Coby readily agrees to the plan and feels lucky. Privately, Gregg tells us that now he has options with BOTH factions of the Koror tribe, and can choose which one to side with when the time is right. Ismira continues making notes. I know who is getting her award this week!

Finally, it's time for the dreaded Double Tribal Council. Koror arrives first, and Probst tells them to ignore the personalized Ulong nameplates on the seats. Probst decided to immediately begin exposing relationships. Who's friends with who? Tom and Ian are buddies. Coby and Janu are buddies. Willard and Caryn are buddies. Gregg and Jenn are "booty buddies." Katie spreads it around to everybody. There was once a woman in our village who did that; she was stoned to death.

Probst asks who can you trust. Willard says he trusts everyone's voting for HIM. To get the formalities over with, Probst sends them off to vote. We see Willard vote for Katie; he doesn't say why. We see Katie vote for Willard; she can't shut up about why. Probst reads the votes and sure enough, it's 8-1 and Willard is going home. He encourages them to keep pounding Ulong, and leaves before he can get any stew.

Speaking of stew, my clan takes this opportunity to refil our bowls with Yamiin's new Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew. It is certainly tastier that what the Survivors will get to eat.

As we slurp, Ulong now comes into the Tribal Council area. They have brought their entire camp with them, including the outhouse. To further humiliate and torture the losers, Koror now begins digging in to their meal. Ian immidiately begins exclaiming over the food, almost breaking into song and dance again. Stephenie is mumbling, "Must... control... Fist... of... Death..." Thankfully, Probst begins his interrogation before Stephenie explodes.

Probst wonders why they brought all their stuff. They were hoping to merge and finally get to be on Tom's team, but Probst tells them they must suffer more first. Angie begins crying, and Probst makes her admit she's frustrated she's teamed with a bunch of losers. It's like a macabre AA meeting. Amidst the slurping, both from Koror and from my tent, we gather that morale is low, and it's because of Ibrehem this time. Ibrehem begs not to be voted out because he keeps losing challenges, and promises to flex his chest muscles more if they let him stay. Several of the women on Koror begin to drool.

Probst again says it's time to vote... for Koror again. Huh? Probst was so moved by Ibrehem's sob story, that he's going to let Koror give one of the Ulongs immunity! From the look on the Koror women's faces, I already know what is going to happen. Sure enough, although the resulting votes are scattered, Ibrehem wins the vote!! I knew BOTH votes couldn't go as smoothly at they seemed. Probst gives Ibrehem the Immunity necklace from Episode 1, and now Ulong is immediately sent off to vote for someone else!

Keep in mind that this group can't make decisions under the BEST of circumstances. Now, they're totally bewildered. Amidst mumblings of "I'm sorry," "It wasn't supposed to be you," and "Probst's a #$#@%^&," the tribe votes for random people. After Probst tallies the vote, it's a tie between Angie and Bobby John. The other three tribe members get to vote again. Four votes in one Tribal Council; Ismira says this is a Survivor record!!

But it is a sad day for many in my tent. When the final votes are counted, Angie is going home. Angie, who my tribe has come to love and admire. Angie, two-time winner of Cousin Radul's "Diva" award. We are angry; she was not even in the slightest danger before Tribal Council started! We do not even hear the rest of the episode because of the multitude of Arabic curses flying around the tent, and the HDTV is now covered in Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew. With a tear in his eye, Cousin Hassim reluctantly fires up his lighter.

Next week, James is still upset with Ibrehem for botching the challenge, and weaseling his way out at Tribal Council. Yay, more fighting!! And at Koror, a storm attacks their new shelter. While the shelter stands strong, the same cannot be said for Janu. She has cocooned herself in Willard's hammock and is crying. Better watch out; Tom and Ian have dibs on that hammock!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com