Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 3: "Snakes, Sharks, Coconuts, And Other Predators"

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

So much to make fun of, so little time! Happiness has descended on my large, dysfunctional family as we look forward each week to more antics of the new batch of misfit Americans that populate our television screen. Just when we think they cannot get any odder, they seem to prove us wrong. Each batch of contestants seems crazier than the one before! Granted, my family has only seen two seasons, but you get my point. Ismira, who has followed all 10 seasons, assures us that this is true. When "Survivor" is on, we have someone to make fun of other than each other! So get ready, for the Merchant of Medina, Honest Achmed, and clan are still here (despite the gag order from the village elders) to analyze every moment of this delicious Darwinian experiment we call "Survivor: Palau!"

This week, Ismira read on the Internet that the next round of choosing contestants for "Survivor" has closed. She was outraged that her belly-dancing video was not chosen for an interview. She had already bought her airline ticket to Los Angeles in preparation for an interview! To make matters worse, travelocity.com does not offer refunds. She has spent the last week cursing Mark Burnett in a manner that I have not seen since the days of the Ayatollah, and has even spray-painted the cryptic letters "EPMB" on several buildings in the village square! She says she will give the airline ticket to one of Cousin Hassim's "associates" who will send Mark Burnett a "message." I shall have to forbid Ismira from continuing to watch "Desperate Housewives."

But on a more interesting note... My competitor, Honest Omar, has been released from the village jail and has re-opened his shop. Months ago, he tried to sell Survivor Items that I have the Mideast market on. Well, Allah's wrath came down on him, and to make a long story short (too late) he ended up in jail. Now, his shop no longer sells "Survivor" merchandise, praise be. Nowadays, he calls his enterprise "Monster Oasis," and specializes in custom-outfitting wagons, carts, and beasts of burden. He wants to ride the "reality show" craze in his own sad way. However, his biggest customer has been Cousin Radul, who is having all his camels outfitted with "spinners."

In between visits to Omar's shop, Radul had finally decided on his "Diva of the week" award. This week, he presents it to the blonde bombshell Kim. Like a true Diva, she refused to do anything remotely resembling "work", even refusing to participate in the Immunity Challenge when it was obvious her team needed all the help it could get. She was also Diva-worthy for attaching herself to Jeff, a strong, horny guy who would take care of her throughout the game. We will see if the Diva strategy works!

And speaking of "horny guys," Cousin Hassim's "Cruellest Son-Of-A-Djinn" Award goes to Jeff! Not that he DID anything remarkable cruel this week, but his overall attitide was pretty darn cruel. He was excited that Koror lost their flint, and hoped they never found it. Then, he made unnecessarily cruel remarks to poor Ashlee when he voted for her at Tribal Council.

While we're on the "Ashlee" subject, she gets my "Dumbest American Mistake" Award. First of all, for applying to a show about conniving and baskstabbing, THEN realizing she couldn't do it! Then, once on the island, we find out that she ASKED the other players to vote her off so she could go home early. This goes far beyond a mistake, but this is the harshest award I can give. Perhaps, next season, I will create the "I Want You To Suffer And Die" Award.

Ismira is still upset at not being chosen for the next round of "Survivor," and refuses to give out a Strategic Award this week. She says no one did anything particularly smart last week, and it's all Mark Burnett's fault. She repeats how he is the ulitmate Capitalist American pig until I remind her that he is not American. She retreats back to her laptop computer to continue something she calls "flaming."

Ismira will feel better once this week's episode begins. Last week on "Survivor: Palau," the Ulong Tribe won the Reward Challenge thanks to "Superfreak" Angie, but then lost the all-important Immunity Challenge again. At Tribal Council, they decided to throw out Ashlee, who was getting tired of the game already (talk about short attention spans...) Will Ulong continue to lose? Probably. Will Probst continue to humiliate the Survivors? Most likely. Will Hassim send another straw effigy up in flames? Definitely! Oh well, we can hear the new boom-box on Cousin Radul's camel as he arrives outside; let's get started!!!

My HDTV screen immediately turns blue and fuzzy. This can only mean one thing... It's nighttime after Ulong has just voted off poor Ashlee. They are moaning about how they all hate Tribal Council, and wish they didn't have to go. The thought does not occur to them to maybe win an IMMUNITY Challenge instead of a Reward Challenge.

The tribe, especially Kim, are also upset with Probst for being hard on them tonight. The thought does not occur to them that, quite possibly, that is his JOB. They are simply making it incredibly easy and thoroughly enjoyable. Probst hasn't enjoyed his job this much since he got to snuff Richard Hatch's torch! Kim says how dare Probst suggest she and Jeff have a thing going on; there's nothing going on. With that, she climbs in bed next to Jeff and goes to sleep eskimo-kissing and calling him "cuddly-wuddly pooh bear."

James sees what's going on, and says that soon they will be "sucking face." I am thinking perhaps this refers to some new form of plastic surgery. James says he has "ears like a bat"; perhaps he needs plastic surgery as well. He is also very upset that no one has called him "cuddly-wuddly pooh bear" since that night he spent in an Alabama jail. And with that thought ringing in our collective mind's eye, we say goodnight.

The next day dawns, and we see the Koror tribe singing "It's Raining Again," by SuperTramp. All nine tribemates are huddled together in a shelter big enough for three, and moaning about the cold and rainy morning. My daughter shouts the sanest thing I have heard all episode when she tells them not to wear just their underwear in the rain. Yamiin has taught her well!

Coby decides they need a bigger shelter. Oh my goodness, is he wearing a thong? Quickly, everyone, cover your eyes!! Perhaps it is Coby's groin that needs a bigger shelter! Anyway, he is working on the shelter while complaining that THEY haven't gotten the chance to vote anybody off yet. Why does Ulong get to have all the fun? Surely, there's a "Survivor" rule somewhere... People are starting to get on other people's nerves. Yes Coby, you... on ours. Put some pants on, you decadent Westerner!!!

In a prime example of what he was talking about, Caryn is upset at someone again. This time, she's the prosecutor in "Caryn vs. That Obnoxious Girl Sitting In The Canoe." She begins to go on a tirade against Katie about how she's sick of Katie talking all the time. Then Katie tries to talk, but Caryn won't let her. On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on she goes about how Katie just won't shut up. She emphasizes her point by vigorously shaking a fistful of leaves she had just collected as toilet paper. The viewers in my tent hope they were new and not used. Katie simply thinks she's crazy, and we are beginning to wonder the same thing. Only much later does Caryn realize that going ballistic on someone may not have been the smartest move. Chalk up one candidate for my weekly award!

Before Katie can call Willard her defense attorney, it's time for the Reward Challenge! Ulong shows up without Ashlee, desperately hoping this challenge won't be the traditional Survivor "Dolly Parton Look-alike Contest." Today, they're in luck. The challenge involves racing to get a floating life preserver. The first tribe member to get it back to their floating raft gets a point. And, oh, yes, full contact wrestling, dunking, hair pulling, eye-gouging, and even underwater wedgies are allowed! Hassim is cheering, and Ismira says someone named "Robbbbbbbbb" would have enjoyed this game.

The reward will be crude sewing implements and fabric, so that the Survivors can fashion Flintstones-looking clothing for themselves. Turns out that these particular contestants looked a lot uglier in their underwear than the CBS producers had anticipated, and something had to be done about it. Willard, who has already showed his swimming prowess, sits out, as does Caryn, too tired from her court case that morning.

The first round pits Tom against Jeff. Tom gets the life preserver, but then Jeff attacks him and wrestles it away from him. The men fight back and forth, and I decide that this is more entertaining than the WWF wrestling marathon that Radul picked up on the satellite dish last week. Finally, Jeff power-swims and carries both the life preserver AND Tom back to the Ulong raft. Tom is embarrassed, knowing now he will have to resign from the NYC Fire Department in disgrace.

The next round features Jennifer against Stephenie. Both beautiful young women leap into the water and head for the life ring. Several moments of absolutely breathtaking catfighting commences, with the cameramen capturing wonderful artistic shots of it all. Radul is glued to the screen, his mouth agape. Stephanie slowly outmuscles Jennifer, and the score is soon 2-0 in Ulong's favor! Radul has a tear in his eye when this scene is over.

The third round teams Angie and Bobby John against Janu and Gregg. Bobby John quickly grabs the ring while Gregg hangs back to attack him. However, Gregg has not figured on the "Tasmanian Devil," Angie. She is protecting Bobby John by forcefully dunking Janu underwater, effectively putting her out of the game. Janu is upset, as the time underwater dredges up memories of that time in Vegas when she was Houdini's assistant. Angie then leaps onto Gregg's back like a jackal in heat. (Trust me, I've seen them.) As her team cheers, she dunks him repeatedly like a traveling preacher at a revival until Bobby John makes it back to the Ulong raft for a decisive win!! Cousin Hassim is so proud of Angie. Birds of a feather...

Probst gives Ulong their sewing supplies, while telling Koror, "I have nothing for you. Go home. I have delivered more rats to your beach to torment you. And Coby, put some pants on; this is a family show."

Back at the happy Ulong camp, they decide how they can use the sewing kit. None of them actually know how to SEW, so most of the kit is useless. They decide to use it to catch fish, until they realize that none of them actually know how to FISH, either. Eventually, they wrap lengths of fabric around themselves and have a toga party.

In the middle of all this frivolity, Bobby John is having "issues." He is upset that he seems to be the only one working. Everyone else, especially Kim, seems to be pretty worthless. Especially Kim. Did he mention that Kim was worthless? Especially worthless? He would like to sue his other tribemates, but both lawyers are on the other island. Even now, Kim is watching Bobby John work, and thinking she's working by doing this. Kim says he shouldn't work so hard; it makes her feel worthless. Especially worthless.

Over at the Koror beach, the tribe can find no evidence of all the extra rats Probst promised them. And darn it, they were hungry! Turns out, all the rats have been eaten by giant, poisonous snakes hiding out in a nearby cliff. Ismira says there's a "snakes and rats" speech in there somewhere. Not taking their recent loss too hard, Tom, Ian, and Gregg go snake hunting. Ian apologizes to the snakes, promises to go to confession, then chops the heads off of two or three of the huge, venomous creatures. I know personally that snake meat is very tasty; there is a restaurant in Marrakesh that serves this delicacy with a side salad and one of those large fried onions!

As they are dripping the blood from the snakes' bodies, it begins attracting sharks into the lagoon. While most people run FROM sharks, these hungry Survivors head into the water with semi-sharp sticks. Tom wants a nice, juicy shark steak in the frying pan. I do not know how shark meat tastes; the restaurant in Marrakesh does not serve that dish. Ian tries his fish voice to lure them closer, but apparently it only works on dolphins. Maybe he could taaaaaaaaaaaalk tooooooooooooo whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaales... The sharks fall for none of these antics, and tease the Survivors before swimming away. If they only had a Filet-O-Fish (tm) Sandwich handy!

That night, something very interesting happens at the Ulong Camp. Jeff is up in the woods taking a tinkle, when he stumbles on a renegade coconut on his way back to camp. It seems he used a particular set of secret numbers to beat Tom and win the Reward challenge earlier that day, and now bad luck is following him. He twists and sprains his ankle, limping back to bed. He tells us that he hopes it will be better by the morning. Too late, Jeff; you've opened the box!!! Run for your life!!!

Day 8 is upon us, and we are treated to the sight of Bobby John in a full-on set of "Depends" and looking like a hillbilly Baby New Year. He is putting in the last safety pin in a precarious place as Jeff approaches and the two are soon involved in an animated discussion about the pros and cons of genital piercing. Jeff is hoping that this will be a restful day that will give his ankle time to heal, but I think all of us know that this is not to be. The cameramen have reported Jeff's injury back to Probst, and our macabre host jumps at the opportunity to inflict more pain and suffering.

Diaper-boy immediately finds tree mail, telling of a challenge happening that morning! We can hear Probst's evil laugh echoing between the islands. The tree mail says something about carrying your weight, and both Jeff and Kim know they're in trouble. Jeff is cursing his dumb luck. Never should've used those numbers...

And suddenly we're at the Immunity Challenge. To immediately clue the opposing team in on the situation, Probst asks Jeff if his ankle is injured. As if the wheelchair wasn't a dead giveaway. Not really caring about the answer, Probst shows them the challenge. Each Survivor will be loaded down with dead weight (No, not KIM; bags of sand.) They will be tied together and harnessed to a rectangular-shaped course in the water. The object is to chase each other in this endless loop while the viewing audience laughs at you. If you quit, you must give your sand to someone else to carry. No dunking or underwater wedgies this time. The first team to catch the other team wins Immunity. Clear? No? GO!!!!

Katie and Janu, still suffering trauma after the last water challenge, sit out as the game starts. Jeff immediately gives his pack away so he won't slow his team down. Caryn immediately does as well, but for her, it's because she's a weenie. Willard is next, then Kim and Angie for Ulong. It's Stephenie and a bunch of guys left. Tom is making the Energizer Bunny proud; not flinching even though he's carrying 340 pounds of sand already. Coby drops out next, leaving Tom carrying the rest of his teammates as well. Koror, under Tom's excellent leadership (translation: drill-seargent commanding) begins making headway on the weakening Ulong tribe. James drops out, bat ears and all.

After 6 or 7 hours, the water begins to get deeper. They have reached the expert level, and there are no cheat codes. Ulong tries running, but is just too tired. Koror is making more headway. Finally, in a burst of energy, they sprint up to the dragging Ulongs. Ian makes a Spiderman-like leap and takes down Ibrehem. Koror has won immunity again! The monkey begins his familiar trek back to Home Sweet Home, and Ulong knows that they soon will be making a familiar trek as well.

The Ulong Tribe (Now Palauan for "Perpetual Losers") is facing yet another "NOW who do we vote out?" decision. Jeff gathers everyone together and says it should be him, because he is injured, can't help the team, and has already been on TV long enough to impress that babe at the fitness center back home. If he had a torch, he would snuff it out himself. (What was that, Radul? Wh... Oh, that's just disgusting!)

This reverse-psychology ploy seems to be working. The rest of the tribe is saying "No, no, we'll keep you and kick out somebody even more worthless. Especially worthless." I wonder who they could be talking about? Kim's name is floating around camp like one of the life savers from yesterday. Some tribe members want to give Jeff his wish; some tribe members still want to vote off Kim and keep Jeff. Maybe he could run the next race on his hands. Can this tribe ever agree on ANYTHING?

Before Jeff can beg to be put out of his misery any more, it's time for Tribal Council. Probst says you've been here so much, why not just move your camp here? Kim REALLY likes him now. What, do you LIKE losing? Are you THAT bad? Or do you just want all this extra television screen time? Ulong has no answer. Ibrehem says if Jeff wasn't such a girly-man, they would've won the Immunity Challenge. Bobby John says they're all girly-men compared to Tom the Titan, and can he switch to Tom's team soon? Probst slaps him, and says the Tribal switcheroo isn't until a couple of more episodes.

Jeff (the girly-man, not Probst) continues to whine about how he's useless. Probst, already knowing the answer, asks Ibrehem who else is useless. Ibrehem says everyone works (ahem, except Kim) but some people take longer rests (ahem, Kim) and don't do as much as others (ahem, Kim). Kim begins fidgeting, suspecting that Ibrehem might be talking about her. She says that she's weak compared to to these buff, Tarzan-like slabs of oozing manhood and should be allowed to lay on the beach and do nothing. She has just lost her membership in the National Organization of Women, but will now receive an invitation from the Daughters of the Confederacy. She finishes up by saying that she'll worry about those things tomorrow.

So, Probst asks, which utterly useless person will you be voting off? As usual, Ulong has no answer, so Probst decided to get it over with and sends them off to vote. James votes for Kim, saying she's lazy. THERE's a revelation. Kim votes for jeff, saying he asked her too. (Tanslation: "Better you than me.") Bobby John votes for Kim as well.

We see the two votes for Kim, but that's all she receives. The rest of the tribe has decided to give Jeff his wish, and he is the next Survivor to walk the trail of tears. He wishes them luck, then hobbles into the night. Probst wonders aloud how this loser tribe will ever manage to turn things around. That would be the "64,000 dollar question," but none of these players will be around long enough to win that much money!

Ah, well, bad karma (and wandering through coconut-infested jungles) has claimed another victim in Survivorland. Next week, the Ulong tribe is desperate for food, an Immunity Win, and a new tailor. The tribes are instructed to choose a tribe member for a special task, and guess what? Ulong can't decide!!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com