March 24, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 6: "Shots, Knots, & Plots (a.k.a. "The Ulonging")
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
How can we go on? Voting gone haywire; the wrong people getting voted off! Our favorites leaving the show while the ones we despise continue on to next week! Last-minute voting issues that throw everyone into a tailspin; it's enough to make us scream in dismay!! Radul, please turn the satellite dish away from "American Idol!" It's time instead for us to watch "Survivor: Palau"; Probst is MUCH better at tormenting the contestants. And there is no one better than yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Barterer of Babylon, and clan to tell you what you need to know to make it through another week of the Middle East's favorite American program!
Cousin Hassim has endured a most difficult week. After poor Angie was dismissed last episode, our normally-vicious relative went into a severe depression. He tried praying five times a day with his prayer mat facing Mecca, then tried five more times a day facing Jerusalem. Even facing his prayer mat toward Hollywood five times a day did not seem to help. Now, he is contemplating hijacking some form of transportation and traveling to Palau with a bomb and demanding that Angie be put back in the game. Ismira told him that last week's episode was actually recorded months ago, and that if he went to Palau NOW, the only person he would see would be someone named "Wezzie." Brooding, Hassim spent the remainder of the week plotting horrific ways to inflict pain upon Jeff Probst should they ever meet.
My daughter Azidi has been a busy bee these last few days. She has been working part-time in my store this week, and business has been booming! Yamiin gave her all the leftovers from last week's Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew, and Azidi labeled it "Just Like The Stew They Ate On Survivor!" At 57 shekels a bowl, she sold it all in one day! In addition, she picked up a surplus supply of "G.I. Joe" action figures from E-bay, and re-packaged them as "Tom the Titan: as seen on Survivor!" Again, she sold 17 cases of the action figures in only two days! She is making Cousin Radul a "bobble-head" Tom the Titan for the dashboard of his camel. I didn't even know camels had... Oh, I give up.
Azidi and Ismira have come up with another crazy scheme; they have entered our tent into a local contest called "Trading Oasis." If we are selected, we will take someone else's tent and decorate it, while that family does ours. Please, Allah, I shudder to think what will happen if this comes to pass...
Moving right along, it is time to hand out our family's "Survivor" awards for this week! As I surmised last week, Ismira gave her "Strategic Award" to Gregg. He is currently buddies with Tom and Ian, the power players, but is hedging his bets by also forming ties with Coby and others. It is always a good idea to have more than one plan going, and Gregg has at least two that we can see. Time will tell how this works out for him.
Cousin Radul's "Diva of the Week" Award goes to Gregg's partner in crime, Jennifer. That's only because we wouldn't let him give it to Angie after she was voted out. Anyway, in true Diva style, she is letting Gregg do all the dirty work, while at the same time managing to stay clean, perky, and wholesome-looking. This Diva's work ethic would be a perfect fit with Kim (formerly of Ulong.)
My "Dumbest American Mistake" once again goes to the entire Ulong tribe. They are in the process of setting all the Survivor records you DON"T want to set. Last week, their dumb move consisted of wandering around the jungle lost like Israel in the desert. All of this, of course, in the rain while looking for a nonexistent cave. This certainly tops the "stinky bathroom" debacle of last week.
And finally, Cousin Hassim took time out of his brooding to give the "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djinn" Award to Ian. Normally Mr. Nice Guy, he spent last week slobbering and moaning and singing and dancing while eating beef stew in front of the Famished Ulongs at Tribal Council. It made Angie cry, and almost made Stephenie explode with frustration. My clan was proud of him, although I must admit, pointing at the stew and singing "Can't Touch This" was a bit extreme.
On with the show. Last week on "Survivor: Palau", everything was packed into an event-filled one-day episode. Koror won the only challenge of the episode when Ibrehem couldn't be "da man" for his tribe. Koror got to eat stew and otherwise taunt Ulong at Tribal Council, even though both tribes had to vote a member out. A last-minute immunity necklace for Ibrehem meant Angie was voted out along with Willard from Koror.
Ismira says that one tribe doesn't usually "Pagong" another tribe until AFTER the merge. I don't know what this means, but it either sounds perverted or painful. Or perhaps both, Radul suggests with a gleam in his eye. Both Cousin Hassim's prayer mat and AK-47 are pointed at Jeff Probst's house; let's get started!!!
Ah, the familiarity!! Once again, we are back at the Ulong camp, for another round of "Whose Fault Is It, Anyway?" James is still very mad at Ibrehem, and has given him 1000 points for his performance at the Immunity Challenge. But as we all know, similar to Ulong at a challenge, points don't matter. Everyone agrees that everyone (read Ibrehem) should listen to each other more. At least that's what we THINK they said; everyone on the tribe was talking at once and not listening to each other.
They spend the rest of the night arguing about whether they are listening or not. Bobby John, ever the optimist, says he doesn't care. They're ALL terrible, including himself, and that fighting because they lost some stew is pretty worthless. If the stew tasted anything like Yamiin's Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew, he would not be saying that.
At dawn the next morning, we see Ibrehem on a prayer mat... praying. Just like Cousin Hassim, his mat is facing Hollywood as Ibrehem gives thanks to Mark Burnett for keeping him in the game. Ibrehem says he feels blessed, that it was destiny that he remain, and that he believes God saved him. Again, we assume he's talking about Mark Burnett.
The rest of Ulong is apparently sleeping in this morning, so we turn our attention to the Koror tribe. A bird has caught a small fish on the beach, already it has surpassed the number of fish the tribes have caught! Regardless, the Korors are hard at work. On WHAT we are not sure, as their shelter has been professionally built. Now, they are adding a guest house and a media room for life theater performances.
Katie is holding a macrame class for the women of Koror. Using enough string to build two more shelters, she handcrafts a knotty headband necklace thingy. She is hoping that Probst will mistake it for the Immunity necklace and she will be safe for the rest of the game. The rest of the tribe is not happy; either she should get off her duff and chop bamboo for the new ampitheater project, or she should make Immunity necklaces for ALL of them. For her part, Katie admits that this whole "Survivor" thing is really pretty easy, what with the shelter, the macrame, and the phone number for Domino's Pizza all readily available.
Actually, Katie is having a pretty busy day. After the Performing Arts Center is finished, she and Coby put on a sock-puppet show where they make fun of all the Ulongs. Especially Angie, Bobby John, and "that girl with the really huge knockeroonies." Then, she and Janu make a trip to the Palau post office to pick up the tree mail. After this, Katie will need a day's rest!
The tree mail has one of the typical cryptic message about shooting something. No Katie, other than your mouth. There is also a Pringle. A SINGLE Pringle. And no trivia question on it, either. Excited nonetheless, the tribe breaks up the chip and has a feast. Jenn is hoping that they will simply line up the remaining Ulongs and shoot THEM.
Before we can see the Ulong's reaction to the tree mail, we are suddenly at the Reward Challenge. Cousin Hassim begins to get excited when we are treated to a close-up of a WW2 artillery piece, but quickly loses interest when he sees that the targets are tribe-colored tiles and not the Ulong tribe members. Koror arrives at the challenge and is disappointed for the same reason. The Ulongs finally arrive, minus Angie. Coby smirks at this development; secretely, he is relieved to have her gone since he had previously made her very, very, very MAD.
Probst explains the rules. It's not even a real WW2 gun; it's a paintball rifle they bought at "Target" and painted with camo colors. Anyway, the tribe members will take turns shooting; the first team to shoot all eight of their tiles will win the reward. It's a SECOND Pringle's chip!! As both tribes move to strangle Probst, he reveals the REAL reward; more Pringles, as well as mai-tais and a trip to Jellyfish Lake. There, they can snorkle with millions of jellyfish! Hassim is thinking this would make an incredible challenge, or perhaps torture, until he learns that these jellyfish are perfectly harmless. Probst is no longer Hassim's hero.
And the game is on. Nobody hits anything for a few rounds until they realize that the gunsight has been blocked with more Pringle's chips. Then, things start happening. Tom hits first. James misses. Stephenie hits. James misses again. Bobby John hits. James misses again. Gregg hits a tile. James misses again. Ibrehem hits. James takes a shot at Probst, but misses. Stephenie hits again. James misses again. Caryn hits. James misses again. Bobby John scores again. James misses again. Gregg hits again. James tries to shoot himself, but misses. Stephenie hits for a third time. James misses again. Caryn hits again. James... misses again. Bobby John scores again. James misses again. Gregg hits. Coby hits, ties the game up. James... yes you guessed it, he misses.
Then Tom misses the winning shot for Koror. Oh, no!! Stephenie hits (four for four!!) and Ulong has all eight tiles. It's all up to Caryn, now. Will she... Won't she... Will she? Maybe? Maybe not? All right, enough of the tension. She misses, and Ulong wins the Series for the first time since 1936!! There is much rejoicing (not to mention Pringle's). Probst immediately begins taunting Ulong again, but then realized that they WON this time. He is flabbergasted; and sends them out in their canoe to rendezvous with the arriving party boat.
Once on board, the Ulongs find a table filled with Pringle's cans and tropical drinks. Since the CBS producers naturally assumed Koror would win the challenge, there is food for eight here. The four members of Ulong get to eat and drink twice as much! There commences much crunching and guzzling. THESE Pringle's chips have "Survivor" trivia questions printed on them, so the Ulongs spend the boat ride realizing how much they don't know about the people who came before.
Stephenie is upset that HER name isn't on any of the chips yet, but asks the questions anyway. For instance, which Survivor is about to go to jail for tax evasion? Or which Survivor is now an amateur porn star? Or which Survivor married their own stepson? Interestingly enough, Ismira knows the answers to ALL these questions. Bobby John offers up a toast, saying "Roll Tide," and all the Alabama boys cheer in support.
Before the Survivors can answer who went to jail for beating up a bouncer in a bar, they have arrived at Jellyfish Lake. Soon, they have all donned snorkeling gear (even Ibrehem.) My family of desert-dwellers spend the next few minutes in absolute awe as we stare at the millions of jellyfish through which the Survivors are swimming. Azidi says they're nothing like what she saw in "Finding Nemo." The Survivors continue swimming until they come across a warm spot in the water. James says, "Oops, sorry," and the rest of the Ulongs scramble for shore. Adventure over.
We see no more of Ulong, because later that night, a tropical storm hits the Koror camp. The day's construction efforts did not include an underground bunker (that was scheduled for the next day), so Koror must weather the pounding rain and gusting winds. Tom says the winds have reached 40 mph; they can tell because they are using Katie's bra as a windsock. If the winds can move THAT thing... well, let's not go any further, shall we?
The storm has subsided by the next morning, and Katie's bra is once again safe. The Koror members are all safe and accounted for, lamenting the miserable night before. The storm has washed away all traces of the Cinderella's Castle sand sculpture they were working on, and they're all bummed. Next time, it will be made of bamboo.
Janu is taking things especially hard. She is wrapped up in the hammock like a soft taco, whimpering and crying for her mother. Sorry, the family visit episode is still several weeks away. Tom is trying to console her, knowing that if she stays in the hammock, HE'LL never get a turn. He is laying it on thick, going on about how Janu will be in the Final Two. The other tribe members know it's a load of NUMBER Two, but they let him encourage her. However, if they lose Immunity, everyone knows who to vote for, right? The plan is set.
And just in time, it seems. Today, another tree mail has arrived. This one is a box with the other team's flag in it. Has there been a mistake? The note reads something like this: "Secure the flag in the box- stop. Tie ropes around the box- stop. James has been leaving the toilet seat up - STOP!" Oh, wait, Stephenie added that last part. James says he knows the perfect knot to tie that the other team will NEVER untie. Doesn't James know he's just asking for it now? Being the Ulongs that they are, they believe James and proceed to tie the largest, ugliest knot the world has ever seen atop the box. Stephenie is SURE they'll win. My whole tent begins whispering "Foreshadowing..."
Soon, we are at the site of the Immunity Challenge. Both teams bring their boxes, tied up securely. Probst tells Janu to "Give it up," and Cousin Radul begins giggling. However, Probst is talking about the wooden monkey. Immunity is back up for grabs! Suprisingly, the tribes seem to actually believe this.
Bundles of sticks have been placed out in the lagoon. The teams must swim out, retrieve the sticks, and use them to further reinforce the protected box. Then, they must tear down the other team's construction to free their flag. The first team to get their flag wins. Koror must play Katie, Ian, Jenn, and Janu. Uh oh. Janu is trembling; all the ropes, knots and boxes are bringing back horrible memories of that David Copperfield show where she was an assistant...
Before Janu can lapse back into a catatonic state, the game is on! Jenn and Ian head into the water for Koror while Katie and Janu continue to tie knots around the flag box. Smart strategy. Stephenie and Bobby John head into the water for Ulong while... Ibrehem does a dead's man float in the water and James is taunting the other team by flashing them with his toga. Interesting strategy; we will see if it works. By the time Ulong gets all their wood to shore, Koror has already tied 126 more knots to the top of their box (Radul was counting.) Hmmmm....
Before long, each team has constructed a haphazard collection of sticks around their box that looks like the tinkertoy collection of Edgar Allen Poe. Ulong has used more rope, but Koror has used more knots. We will see which strategy pays off as the teams switch sides and begin deconstructing the nightmarish assemblies.
Things are pretty neck and neck until Ulong hits the 126 knots Koror tied while James was doing the "Stripper" dance. Ulong falls behind while Koror easily breezes through James' magical, impenetrable knot and quickly opens the box. Stephenie gives up and watches Koror hoist their flag, realizing that maybe, just maybe, it was a mistake to trust James. So, for the sixth time in a row, Ulong will be heading to Tribal Council. They should be getting Frequent Flyer Miles.
Ulong now has an entire day to simmer and brood over who they will vote out tonight.Steph and James talk; James is sure Bobby John won't ever vote for him. Bobby John tells us he is DEFINITELY voting for James. James says that God told him Ibrehem is going home tonight. Does God watch "Survivor?" Regardless, somebody is out of the loop here, and the loop is not that big.
Steph talks to Bobby John, and convinces him that James voted for him at the Last Tribal Council. She says that SHE voted for Angie, but conveniently neglects to tell him that it was at the SECOND vote. Privately, she tells us that she doesn't like to lie, but it was the only way to convince Bobby John she's being honest. Yes, my family is scratching our heads, too.
She finally agrees with Bobby John to vote against James. Ibrehem is away offering sacrifices to Mark Burnett, so he is unavailable for consultation. Bobby John trusts Stephenie, and thinks he can go to the end of the game with her. If the other EIGHT Koror members have nothing to say about it, that is. Stephenie is unsure of which way to vote. Ismira says if you're going to lie, you'd better be good at it, and it doesn't look like Stephenie is that good. I would not bet against Ismira.
Now it's time to put Ulong out of its misery one more time. To add insult to injury, the Tribal Council area still smells of beef stew. Probst wastes no time in doing what he does best. James, you're a loser. Ibrehem, you're a loser. Stephenie, you're a loser. Bobby John, you're a good-looking loser. James, you're a loser again. At the challenge, Ibrehem was playing the bobbing game again, while James was too busy re-enacting "The Full Monty" and not tying up the box. Ibrehem, black men can't swim and a black man has never won "Survivor." Do you want to give up? Nah. James, you totally screwed up the challenge today, and no one with a nose as big as yours has ever won "Survivor." Do you want to give up? Nah. Stephenie, you're outnumbered by three Bama boys, and no one wearing a plain white bra has ever won "Survivor," except Richard Hatch. Do you want to quit? Stephenie smacks Probst upside his head.
Stephenie says she's lost all hope of winning, but she just doesn't want to go 0-9 and be totally humiliated. Probst says check back in three episodes. Now, let's talk about trust. Bobby John says he trusts everyone, and we believe him. Stephenie says she trusts everybody, and we laugh heartily. Azidi says, "She is SO not a liar." Probst asks her if she feels threatened by the Bama boys, or by the "white bra" thing. Another smack to the head is his answer, so he finally sends them off to vote.
James votes for Ibrehem, saying something about burning crosses and Selma, Alabama. Or maybe that was Hassim doing a voice-over. Ibrehem votes for James, but is more polite about it. We are sure that Stephenie will vote for James to avoid a tie and keep the trust alive with Bobby John, but when the votes are read, it's a 2-2 tie. Stephenie has voted for Ibrehem! Azidi says, "She is SO in trouble now."
They revote, and Stephenie makes the decision she should have made the first time. She and Bobby John both vote for James, and the Alabama Pinnochio is finally sent home. Who will we find with a nose bigger than our Middle Eastern ones to make fun of NOW? However, Stephenie must now face up to the fact that she lied to Bobby John and tried to kick Ibrehem out. Both men are sure to be pleased by that one!
Probst informs them that they have now set the All-Time Survivor record for smallest, worst, most losingest, and overall most foolish tribe of all time. Ismira has coined a new phrase: "Ulonging." She says it's like "Pagonging," but it happens BEFORE the merge. We will see if this phrase catches on in the Internet world; she is adding it to her blog as we speak.
Next time, it appears we get to see more of the plotting finally starting to take place at the Koror camp. Tom is beginning to suspect that Gregg and Jenn may be up to something more than snuggling. None of us think Tom will let THAT go unchecked. Over at Ulong, Bobby John catches a small fish, and rejoices. Just wait until they hear about Tom's SHARK!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
March 17, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 5: "Saki, Stew, And Goodbye To Two"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Ah, the haves and the have-nots!! The double-dealing, one side accusing the other side of lies, the ones in the mansion versus the ones practically homeless! The touching, the hugging, the groping! Will the Michael Jackson trial never end? Please, we need more satellite room to watch "Survivor: Palau!" Now that the Survivors are getting whittled down to a more manageable number, we can finally remember all their names (Except for Ismira, who knew all their names weeks before the premier. She has no other life.) The ceiling of my tent is covered in soot from all the burnt straw effigies, but we press on. Yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Mesopotamian Mega-Merchant, is here to tell you what is REALLY happening!
Ismira is entering yet another "Survivor" contest. She tells us she must video a re-creation of a famous scene from "Survivor" history. Her first attempt involved getting Cousin Hassim to portray someone named "Mike" sitting next to a campfire. I was not present at the filming of this scene, but I could hear Hassim's cries of pain from the other side of the village. Ismira said it was very realistic. She managed to enlist me in her second attempt, although I was dubious. She said all I had to do was pretend I had a sea urchin sting, and she would do the rest. It sounded very simple and painless, until... Well, let's just say I won't be letting Ismira submit THAT tape to the American producers! Now, both Hassim and I are watching our hands very carefully.
Thanks be to Allah, we are very grateful to finally have Cousin Radul back in our midst. Last week, he was apprehended by American soldiers after they discovered military hardware connected to our antenna dish. He was hauled away for interrogation, to see if he harbored any military intelligence. We feared for his life, but after only two days he returned to us unharmed. As it turns out, not only did Radul have no military intelligence, but the Americans eventually decided he had very little intelligence of ANY kind! They sent him on his way with a caseful of MRE packagesand a six-pack of Diet Coke. In addition, Radul managed to swipe something he calls a "Tivo Box" and is even now hooking it up to our widescreen HDTV.
The first thing Radul did upon his return was to proclaim Angie "Diva of the Week" for the second week in a row. She continued her kick-butt attitude in the challenges, and was a definite decision-maker in her tribe. Radul also likes the way her "butterfly jiggles," whatever that means. Long live the Diva!
Ismira's Strategic Award goes this week to Tom and Ian. The two men are definitely the leaders at the Koror camp, which normally would make them resented by the rest of the tribe. However, these guys are managing to stay likeable and encourage everyone. They are forming a sub-alliance within thier tribe, something Ismira calls a "Minimum Winning Coalition." This could take them a long way in the game; look for one or both of these two men to make it to the Final Four. (It is March Madness, after all.)
Hassim had a very hard time picking a "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djinn" award this week. Poor Ulong was again pummelled in every aspect of the game, and Koror is dominating without being really cruel or snotty about it. Eventually, he decided to give the award to James, simply for his less-that-politically-correct lamentations concerning Coby's sexuality. Not extremely cruel, but as good as it got last week.
My "Dumbest American Award" this week goes to the entire Ulong tribe, for the construction of their latrine. Have these people, especially James, ever smelled the odor coming from an outhouse? That's why people used to put them "out!" Putting such a foul-smelling poo-pit next to the showering and teeth-brushing area makes me lose my roast lamb. Additionally, their "joke" of Probst-grafitti on the toilet seat didn't seem to sit well with The Dastardly One, and I am sure he was more than happy to give the reward to the other team.
Will there be any more dumb mistakes? I think we can bet on it. Last week on "Survivor: Palau," Ulong was not as toilet-trained as Koror, and Koror won a custom-built shelter from THE HOME DEPOT. (See, I have sponsors, too.) Later, the Koror tribe went on to beat Ulong again and win Immunity. In what was probably the most no-brainer vote in several seasons, Ulong voted to get rid of Kim. Probst actually ran out of horrible things to say about them, thev've been to Tribal Council so much. Will Ulong continue the longest-running losing streak in Survivor history? Will factions continue to develop at Koror? Will Coby finally put some pants on? (for Allah's sake, man, my daughter is watching!) Ismira is trying to film something she calls "the Ted & Ghandia Story"; let's get started!!!
As always, it's night again, and Ulong is lamenting... Wait, this is not Ulong, it's Koror! What could be happening to draw us away from watching Ulong in pain and suffering? It can only mean one thing... the cameramen think they might be cathing a little "horizontal hokey-pokey" on tape!
And yes, we see Jenn and Gregg in the honeymoon suite of the newly-built Palau Holiday Inn, snuggling and cuddling with each other. They are accompanied by a piano and violin, filtering up from the show lounge on the first floor of the hotel. Coby is watching, drooling with envy. Whether it's for Jenn or Gregg, we do not know. I begin to make a comment about how much of a pervert Coby is, but then I notice Cousin Radul staring at the HDTV with the same expression. I hold my tongue for now.
Privately, Coby tells us that everyone knows they're a couple. Yeah, a couple of... but I digress. Coby says they will have to watch the couple carefully. Drooling, he volunteers for the job.
The one Koror NOT volunteering for any jobs is Willard. He is sleeping in the hotel's hammock, oblivious to the darkness around him. Although he is closest to the fire, no one can convince him to get up and take care of it. After seeing what happened to Cousin Hassim, I really do not blame him. They try subtle hints like, "The fire's going out, you old fart!" and "If the fire goes out, so does the geezer's torch!" Willard is oblivious to their taunting, and snoozes on. Ismira says Willard reminds her of one of the old guys in the balcony on "The Muppet Show."
But before we can further investigate this line of reasoning, we are back at the Ulong camp. Or rather, we are deep in the jungle somewhere in the vicinity of the Ulong camp. Having felt absolutely no remorse at voting off Kim hours ago, the tribe has decided that wandering lost in the jungle would be a cool thing to do on a dark, rainy, cold night. They are looking for the caves from Episode 2, but none of the Ulong members can remember that many episodes back. They wander in circles for a while, then approach the cliff where the cave should be. Unfortunately, there's no cave there in THIS episode. Or is there a cave cover-up conspiracy afoot? Quick, call a congressional hearing!
Finally, they decide to call off the search for the missing cave, and head back to camp. Once there, they settle in for a miserable night. James tries to encourage his tribemates by chanting "Do Not Quit," but his hillbilly accent makes it sound like "Doughnut Kit," and they get even hungrier into the night.
Indeed, the sun will come out tomorrow. The rain ceases, and yet another day dawns as Ulong picks through the mud-coated remnants of their camp. The entire tribe staggers around camp, dazed and confused from the lack of sleep, unable even to form intelligible words. They silently stare at each other, wondering if staying in Loser Lodge wouldn't be a better place, after all. The good news is; they'll probably all find out soon enough. There is no energy in the camp; let's hope nothing important happens today...
Over at Koror, we see something we haven't seen all season; Tom is griping about someone! Finally, some more conflict at Camp Dudley-Do-Right! Tom is upset that "Grumpy Old Man" slept in the hammock all night while Tom had to keep climbing over him to tend the fire. Even those "accidental" knees to the groin didn't wake Willard up. Nobody has told Tom about Willard's "accident" back in Vietnam, or he would've known... Anyway, Tom and Gregg discuss that the only way one of THEM will ever get the hammock will be to vote Willard out at the earliest opportunity. He might be a strategic threat later in danger of taking over, just like Kim's brain is running the show over at Ulong. They don't know yet... Tom admits that last night's lack of sleep has taken its toll on him. He has no energy; let's hope that nothing important happens today...
And with that amount of forshadowing, my daughter Azidi announces that the perfect thing for Probst to do today would be to have a strenuous challenge with another Tribal Council tonight, just one day after the last one!! My family scoffs at her, but only a minute later, we see that Probst has taken her suggestion and that is EXACTLY what is about to happen. Great, now Azidi will not let us hear the end of this one.
In an instant, we see the Survivors lined up in yet another lagoon as Jeff Probst explains today's challenge. Team members will be pulled on a raft out to a shipwreck, where they will dive down for treasures. I believe Robert Ballard's team played this same game at the site of the "Titanic." These "treasures" are bottles of saki; and no, James, there is no saki in them for you to drink! The dead Japanese sailors on the shipwreck got to them first! But the first team to find 6 bottles and bring them back will win the reward... And this is where things go haywire.
Both teams will be voting out members at Tribal Council TONIGHT. Koror was just getting too strong, and we finally want to see you boring guys fight a little. And Ulong, well, we just like to see you keep suffering. Today's winner will get to sit at Tribal Council and eat beef stew (no Dinty Moore sponsoring) and drink root beer (no Barq's sponsoring). The losing team will be forced to watch, listen, and smell as the winners slobber and drool (and we're not just talking about Gregg and Jenn).
Probst hollers his trademark "GO!!" Steph and Jenn hop onto the rafts and are quickly pulled along by their tribemates. They return with bottles, and Gregg and Angie are next. Sure enough, after the two Ulong women are finished, Ulong has a sizeable lead. What will the Ulong men do THIS time to screw things up?
The answer is not long in coming. Ibrehem dives off his raft into the water, but his musclebound chest won't allow him to hold any air. He simply can't stay down long enough to reach the saki bottles. Coby, with not any musclebound problems whatsoever, quickly catches up, dives, and come up with a bottle. He is all the way back to his tribemates while Ibrehem is still bobbing up and down like a cork in a toilet. After several nmore tries, he gives up and is pulled back to his team and replaced by Bobby John.
My tent is jeering at poor Ibrehem, saying how he perpetuates the stereotype about black people who can't swim, but I remind my family that NONE OF US know how to swim. It is a long way to water from our village, and the Persian Gulf is filled with explosives. They cease their taunting, although Hassim is still mumbling something derogatory under his breath about the Civil Rights Movement.
Koror is so far ahead now, it looks like abother rout. However, it is Ian's turn to make a fool out of himself. He dives down to the wrong shipwreck, and can't find any bottles. He does, however, find Ginger's underwear from "Gilligan's Island." Sorry, try again. James grabs a bottle from the correct shipwreck; Ulong is catching up! Ian manages to find the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, the Heart of the Ocean, artifacts from the lost continent of Atlantis, PT-109, the Little Mermaid's treasure stash, and Jimmy Hoffa's remains, but still no saki bottles.
Finally, he sees the bottles and grabs one. By this time, the race is tied again. Ian decides to go out AGAIN, now that he knows where the bottles are. He quickly grabs the final bottle and is pulled back to the tribe. Koror wins!! Probst is really beginning to sound like a broken record (That would be a "digitally corrupted CD," Azidi) Our worthy-of-loathing host taunts Ulong again, but says he will see both tribes at Tribal Council tonight.
We are next treated to some of the happenings at the victorious Koror camp before Tribal Council. Ian gloats about how "poor (ha-ha) Ulong is (ha, ha) getting (ha, ha) decimated." He sounds very sincere. He can't wait for Tribal Council. Coby cautions the tribe to be civil as they slurp their stew in front of Ulong later tonight, but Ian is already doing the "Chicken Dance" and singing songs he undoubtably learned from Wanda.
At Ulong, all fingers are pointing at Ibrehem. James says he "gave up"; obviously, Ibrehem paid no heed to the "doughnut" chant of the night before. Stephenie says she'll throw up at Tribal Council, she's so hungry. (Stephenie, I believe that would only result in dry heaves.) She believes her only hope is that a merge will come soon. Ibrehem is upset with himself as well. He has just lost his chance at that new UPN sitcom, "Everybody Loves Ibrehem." Even Cousin Radul can see how this Tribal Council vote will happen tonight.
Back at Koror, the vote seems every bit as obvious. Mark Burnett must be setting the contestants up for SOMETHING. Tom and his "posse" discuss how "Willard the Weak" needs to be eliminated before the Immunity challenges become more puzzle-oriented and he turns into "Willard the Wily." Willard, for his part, knows he's going home tonight. He takes Coby aside and asks if Coby wants to "get into his shorts." Coby is speechless, but flattered. He doesn't want Willard to go home tonight, but can't stop the vote, and doesn't want to go against the group at this point. Ismira takes note of this wise move.
Turns out, this is Coby's lucky day. Gregg approaches him as well, but NOT for what Coby is dreaming. Gregg tells Coby of his play to overthrow Tom and Ian when the field is narrowed down to seven. Ismira is making more notes. Coby readily agrees to the plan and feels lucky. Privately, Gregg tells us that now he has options with BOTH factions of the Koror tribe, and can choose which one to side with when the time is right. Ismira continues making notes. I know who is getting her award this week!
Finally, it's time for the dreaded Double Tribal Council. Koror arrives first, and Probst tells them to ignore the personalized Ulong nameplates on the seats. Probst decided to immediately begin exposing relationships. Who's friends with who? Tom and Ian are buddies. Coby and Janu are buddies. Willard and Caryn are buddies. Gregg and Jenn are "booty buddies." Katie spreads it around to everybody. There was once a woman in our village who did that; she was stoned to death.
Probst asks who can you trust. Willard says he trusts everyone's voting for HIM. To get the formalities over with, Probst sends them off to vote. We see Willard vote for Katie; he doesn't say why. We see Katie vote for Willard; she can't shut up about why. Probst reads the votes and sure enough, it's 8-1 and Willard is going home. He encourages them to keep pounding Ulong, and leaves before he can get any stew.
Speaking of stew, my clan takes this opportunity to refil our bowls with Yamiin's new Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew. It is certainly tastier that what the Survivors will get to eat.
As we slurp, Ulong now comes into the Tribal Council area. They have brought their entire camp with them, including the outhouse. To further humiliate and torture the losers, Koror now begins digging in to their meal. Ian immidiately begins exclaiming over the food, almost breaking into song and dance again. Stephenie is mumbling, "Must... control... Fist... of... Death..." Thankfully, Probst begins his interrogation before Stephenie explodes.
Probst wonders why they brought all their stuff. They were hoping to merge and finally get to be on Tom's team, but Probst tells them they must suffer more first. Angie begins crying, and Probst makes her admit she's frustrated she's teamed with a bunch of losers. It's like a macabre AA meeting. Amidst the slurping, both from Koror and from my tent, we gather that morale is low, and it's because of Ibrehem this time. Ibrehem begs not to be voted out because he keeps losing challenges, and promises to flex his chest muscles more if they let him stay. Several of the women on Koror begin to drool.
Probst again says it's time to vote... for Koror again. Huh? Probst was so moved by Ibrehem's sob story, that he's going to let Koror give one of the Ulongs immunity! From the look on the Koror women's faces, I already know what is going to happen. Sure enough, although the resulting votes are scattered, Ibrehem wins the vote!! I knew BOTH votes couldn't go as smoothly at they seemed. Probst gives Ibrehem the Immunity necklace from Episode 1, and now Ulong is immediately sent off to vote for someone else!
Keep in mind that this group can't make decisions under the BEST of circumstances. Now, they're totally bewildered. Amidst mumblings of "I'm sorry," "It wasn't supposed to be you," and "Probst's a #$#@%^&," the tribe votes for random people. After Probst tallies the vote, it's a tie between Angie and Bobby John. The other three tribe members get to vote again. Four votes in one Tribal Council; Ismira says this is a Survivor record!!
But it is a sad day for many in my tent. When the final votes are counted, Angie is going home. Angie, who my tribe has come to love and admire. Angie, two-time winner of Cousin Radul's "Diva" award. We are angry; she was not even in the slightest danger before Tribal Council started! We do not even hear the rest of the episode because of the multitude of Arabic curses flying around the tent, and the HDTV is now covered in Chipotle Goat and Herb Stew. With a tear in his eye, Cousin Hassim reluctantly fires up his lighter.
Next week, James is still upset with Ibrehem for botching the challenge, and weaseling his way out at Tribal Council. Yay, more fighting!! And at Koror, a storm attacks their new shelter. While the shelter stands strong, the same cannot be said for Janu. She has cocooned herself in Willard's hammock and is crying. Better watch out; Tom and Ian have dibs on that hammock!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
March 11, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 4: "Palauan Procrastinators, Pugilists, and Porta-Potties"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
We are really getting into the thick of things, now! The agony, the whining, the sour faces, the overdone drama, the pretending you're about to pass out... Yes, Azidi, you must eat ALL your vegetables! If you do not hurry and finish, you will not be able to sit with us and watch this week's episode of "Survivor!" Indeed, once again, it is time for this wonderful addiction that has taken over our village here in the middle of the Middle East. And as you have no doubt come to expect, Honest Achmed, the Persian Profiteer, and the rest of my Survivor-savvy clan are here to watch, comment, curse, and argue with each other as we sojourn through more twists and turns of this week's episode!
We have not seen much of Ismira this week. She has been checking out web sites for something she calls "The Amazing Race." I told her that the "Amazing Race" was, of course, the Arab bloodline. She rolled her eyes, and told us that it is yet another game show that we cannot tune into in our part of the world. Cousin Radul took this as a challenge, and has spent the entire week experimenting on our antenna dish to see if he can pick up this elusive signal. He has purchased illegal signal boosters, and and is even now patching in stolen U.S. military targeting sensors to increase our antenna's reception. He somehow got these from Cousin Hassim, and I now have my own "Don't Ask; Don't Tell" policy.
Ismira is only interested in this new show because two people named "Rob" and "Amber" are participating. She says that Rob and Amber were the winners of a previous round of "Survivor." Well, Amber was, anyway, and Rob... well, it's a long story, and bandwidth is short. They are now engaged to be married. All together now, "Aaaaaawwwwwww!" Before they marry, they will be competing in a televised around-the-world race. Ismira says it will be the ultimate test to see if their relationship can survive. I believe she is correct; Ismira and I can barely ride on the same camel together. "Turn left! No, I meant right! Pull back on the reigns! Watch the goat droppings! Oh, great, now we're in a mine field; I TOLD you to stop and ask for directions!"
Enough about Ismira. As you may remember, Cousin Hassim and I recently put together our own version of Survivor, entitled "Survivor: the Sahara." If you don't remember, read the past scribes. Anyway, the entire endeavor was great fun, and will soon be airing on Al-Jazeera this summer. The airing may be delayed a bit; it simply depends on how long it takes to work out all the wrongful death lawsuits. We are thinking about hiring Michael Jackson's attorney. As the weeks progress, I will be telling you pieces of what transpired on OUR show. And you thought Jeff Probst was cruel!!
At this time, let's give out our family's weekly awards. Ismira is back on track this week with her Strategic award. This award goes to dearly departed Jeff (not Probst) who decided to sacrifice himself so that he wouldn't slow his team down. A selfless move to be sure, but strategic for his team. Not very strategic for HIMSELF, though. My family agrees that he should have murdered Kim, stolen HER leg, performed impromptu surgical joint replacement, and continued playing. Ismira is sure there is a rule violation in there somewhere.
Cousin Radul's "Diva of the Week" award goes to Angie. He admires her bizarre sense of style and body art, and the fact that she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She performed like a whirling dervish at the challenges, displaying great Diva-dunking attitude. Also, Radul adds, her breasts insisted on bouncing out of her bra the entire episode, scoring mega diva-points.
We finally let Cousin Hassim have his wish this week, and let him give his "Cruellest Son-Of-A-Djinn" award to Jeff Probst. Our sadistic host made the Survivors carry heavy backpacks and trudge in an endless circle in steadily rising water. He commanded this forced march for hours in the relentless sun, while sitting in the shade drinking pina coladas. Kudos to Jeff Probst!!
My "Dumbest American Mistake" Award goes, suprisingly enough, to the same person who won the Strategic Award. Jeff certainly had a busy week. His simple slip on a coconut in the middle of the night cost him a strong chance at a million dollars, and cost his tribe a lot of strength in the process. This week, it's the "Watch where you're going, knucklehead" Award. I suspect that Jeff has taken the offending coconut home with him, and that it will soon show up on E-Bay.
On to newer and better things. Last week on "Survivor: Palau," Ulong won another Reward challenge for sewing supplies, and now look like the fraternity brothers from "Animal House." Koror went on to win the Immunity Challenge (again) and won the right to keep Caryn's mouth around for another few days. Jeff injured himself, and asked his team to vote him out. Even though his bad leg was still stronger than Kim's good ones, they gave him his wish and sent him home. Who from Ulong is going home tonight? Oops, are we making that prediction a little too early? Radul has finished picking up SETI signals from the Delta Quadrant and has tuned us back into "Survivor"; let's get started!!!
As we have come to expect, it is the night after Tribal Council for Ulong. I have long since given up trying to fix my HDTV for these night scenes. The tribe is complaining that Probst keeps making them get rid of tribe members. They are puzzled by the fact that Koror is weaker than they are, but keeps winning challenges. They eventually decide that Koror is smarter, or that maybe Probst has the hots for one of the Koror members. My family thinks maybe, just maybe, Koror has tribe members that actually PARTICIPATE in challenges. And as for brains verses strength, my uncle Nimron used to say "Wisdom is the greatest strength of all." He wrote greeting cards for a living.
James, particularly, is upset and vows to never go to Tribal Council again. Either this is foreshadowing, or he is being set up to look like the biggest goober of all time. Ismira suspects the latter. James says he'll "stomp" anybody who doesn't help, and Kim moves to the other side of the fire. Bobby John, showing probably the most wisdom on this tribe, admits that things are a mess. Whether this is wisdom or simply reiterating the blatantly obvious, we do not know.
It is daylight once again, and a rat is scurrying around the beach. This can only be the Koror camp! Wasting no time, tree mail has already arrived. This looks to be a busy, event-filled day. The cryptic message says to choose someone who will make some decisions for the tribe. Other than this, the instructions make no indication whether this person will be swapped to the other tribe, given Immunity, or cut up as bait to attract more sharks.
Whatever the outcome, several tribe members volunteer for the mysterious job. This tribe simply relishes the unknown! Coby especially volunteers to be shark bait, but no one is listening to him. Ignoring his jumping and cries of "Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!" the tribe eventually picks Ian. Tom says that Ian is the leader of this tribe, and everyone accepts Tom's leadership and agrees that Ian is the leader. Coby is upset at not being chosen (not as upset as Jonathon and Wanda, I'll bet) and realizes that the tribe is beginning to split into two distinct factions. Unfortunately, he is in the minority faction, although with minority status he can get government set-asides and other perks. Life is not too bad.
Over at Ulong, things are not going as smoothly. Upon reading their tree mail, the tribe realizes that they will have to make a DECISION. This throws the group into an absolute tailspin. Unlike Koror, NOBODY on this tribe wants to be cut up for shark bait, although everyone wants someone ELSE to do it. Maybe they should draw straws, but Kim is against this idea. After all, SHE might have to do it. They head out in the canoe to pretend to fish and put off anything as mind-boggling as decision-making.
And before we can say, "So long, Ulong," Probst is arriving at the islands in a powerboat emblazoned with the "Home Depot" logo. Ah, corporate sponsorship! Hassim and I tried to get sponsors for "Survivor: The Sahara," but the PLO was out of money in their advertising budget. Probst is carrying what looks to be an outhouse, and suddenly Ian is sorry he was volunteered for this job.
Probst tells Koror that the newest contest is to BUILD an outhouse, using lumber and tools from the Home Depot. Ian, as leader, gets to pick out tools and will decide who sits out of the challenge. Ian is in luck; his father was a contractor who once worked on the Clinton Memorial Library, I believe. Or perhaps his father was just a Clinton intern. Whatever the case, Ian chooses the tools and decides that Jennifer, Coby, and Janu are too girly to help and must sit out. For Janu, it's just as well; the thought of a bathroom brings back horrible memories of that incident in the ladies' room of the MGM Grand in Vegas... before we can transition to a dramatic flashback, Probst is gone and Koror starts to work.
Meanwhile, the men of Ulong are fishing while the ladies are helping out by... watching. No, I'm serious. Upon their return to the beach after a wrong turn at Easter Island, they find Probst waiting impatiently for them. Probst is further angered when they admit they haven't chosen a leader yet, and almost sends them back to Tribal Council on the spot. To avoid another trip so soon, the tribe throws James out of the boat as their representative.
Probst explains the challenge to them. Tomorrow, he and Simon Cowell will come back and judge the bathrooms the tribes have built. Simon will make obnoxious remarks and plug another game show on a competing network. The tribe whose bathroom displays the most originality, sturdiness, and poo-poo capacity will win a custom-built shelter for their tribe and a half-hour special next week on HGTV. Ulong, er, rather, the losers will get nothing but the outhouse.
To James' relief, he is not sacrificed to the gods of Palau, and quickly chooses tools. Turns out, his family was in construction too, having worked on the Jed Clampett Memorial Library. He chooses a "hammer-hatchet thingy" as well as a pick-axe "just in case that lazy Kim gives me any trouble." Privately, he says he'll make his tribe work hard. Ismira is shaking her head already...
Back at Koror, everyone is working hard. That is, if everyone consists of Tom, Ian, and Gregg. The others are putting in accessory touches like directional signage (put butt here), landscaping along the pathways, and a Reader's Digest by the toilet (we have those in my village, too.)
Caryn, meanwhile, is still working on the case of "Caryn the sit-around-and-complainer vs. Tom the get-things-done-by-hard-worker." She is complaining about Tom's leadership. Apparently, she didn't get Tom's executive memo about how IAN is the leader. And another thing... Does this woman like ANYBODY?
Koror's work ethic is boring, so we switch back to Ulong, where trouble is bound to be brewing. Sure enough, James is making decisions. How dare he!!!!! He has taken a leadership role, and has proclaimed himself the "Commode King." He commands the women to measure his derriere, so that the toilet can be customized for him. Kim asks if the toilet seat has a Tempurpedic cushion. She is so tired from all this watching, she has to sit down and rest. Some of the tribe is mad at James for working too hard; some of the tribe is mad at Kim for not working hard enough. If Chuck Barras were here, he would give "Ulong the Gong."
Kim manages to gather enough strength to watch Bobby John chop down trees, but the exhaustion almost overtakes her. She really doesn't like all these people who work; this is a foreign concept to her. Privately, she considers herself the only smart one. People worldwide share a collective laugh at her expense. Meanwhile, James is sitting on the completed "throne," demanding toilet paper and the Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit" issue.
Probst arrives at the Koror camp the following morning with "Jesse," not Simon, who is off laying down vocals for "Shrek 3." Tom, slipping easily into the role of a New York tour guide, shows off the restroom facilities for the two guests. The toilet area is very sturdy, with leaves for toilet paper. The bottom toilet is for Coby's faction, while the toilet directly above is for Tom's faction (Eeeewwwww!) Well, some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
The shower is adjustable, with the shower stall built sturdily. It also has holes so that the cameramen can get video of Jennifer, Janu, and Katie showering. Probst marks down lots of bonus points for Koror. He tells them they will get extra points if the three women shower TOGETHER. Radul excuses himself to go take his own shower as we go to commercial.
When we return, Probst and Jesse are at the Ulong camp, where to no one's surprise, things are not finished yet. (I'm not making this up. Honest.) They also give their guests a tour. Probst and Jesse notice several things; the structure is shaky, the toilet is immediately next to the shower area (hold your nose), and the Ulong tribe has defaced CBS and Home Depot property by writing suggestive messages about Probst in the toilet. Now, they're REALLY getting on his good side. Back in the States, Julie Berry is extremely jealous. Probst and Jesse leave the island, writing on their notepads. I zoom in with my HDTV and can tell that they're writing "Worst. Toilet. Ever." James, however, doesn't see how they can lose. Either this is foreshadowing, or he's being set up as the biggest... yes, definitely the latter.
Sure enough, the next thing we see is a CBS & Home Depot boat arriving at the Koror beach. A construction crew hops off, and within hours, they have constructed a brand-new structure for Koror, complete with floor, roof, raised deck, great room, master jacuzzi suite, and those beds you put quarters in to make them vibrate (I have seen them in Cairo.) As the crew leaves, they bring in an ice chest with two bottles of champagne for the Koror tribe to celebrate. It is Probst's intent to make the Survivors drunk and hopefully catch some incriminating footage.
His plan pays off. Soon, Tom and Ian are recreating their favorite scenes from "Dirty Dancing" and Caryn is laying back laughing like a chimpanzee in extreme pain.
Meanwhile, at the Ulong beach, the tribe sits and stares into the lagoon, certain that their reward is coming. They sit and stare well into the night, but the Great Pumpkin never shows up. Eventually, the thought occurs to them that maybe they DIDN'T win the contest. They agree that, in the morning, they will contact "Extreme Home Makeover." In the meantime, they're angry. They will DEFINITELY win the Immunity Challenge now. Either this is foreshadowing, or they're being set up... Oh, never mind.
The very next day, more tree mail arrives. It's a message about more combat!! Cousin Hassim is beyond hoping ammunition will be involved when he sees the Survivors are given a large pillow with which to fight. Stephenie practices by attacking a defenseless tree with the pillow until it cries for mercy. The Survivors are sure this will be some contest stolen from "American Gladiators." Cousin Radul is hoping to see bodybuilders in skimpy, metallic costumes.
No bodybuilders, but the challenge is going to be a type of gladitorial combat. The Survivors will face off in pairs, trying to knock each other off a platform into the water using the pillow. Oh, and no groin kicking. Darn it; Angie immediately has to formulate a new plan. The first team to six points wins the sacred monkey. And with a wave of Probts's arm, they're off!!
Tom the Titan faces off against Bobby John. Bobby John knocks him down, but Tom gets up and smacks BJ off the platform. Stephenie goes against Jennifer, and it's no contest; Jen is in the water. The score is tied. Gregg is up against Ibrehem next. Ibrehem loses the pillow and dives overboard looking for it. In "Caryn vs. Angie," Caryn can't begin opening arguments before she is in the water. Tied again! Coby goes against James, and immediately forces the skinny redneck into the lagoon.
Next is Kim versus Janu. Will Kim actually TRY this time? She has to!! Well... no, she doesn't. Janu hits her once, and Kim turns and runs into the water. Heck, Jeff could've done that!!
It's Koror 4, Ulong 2. Looks like a rout, especially after Tom picks up Bobby John and tosses him all the way back to the beach. 5 to 2!! But then Steph and Jen face off again, and Stephenie wins. Gregg and Ibrehem fight again, and Ibrehem wins this time!! Angie goes after Caryn, and you can guess the result. The game is now tied!!!
It's down to Coby versus James. The two men go toe to toe, slugging it out for a long time. The two sweaty men wrestle all over the platform. Radul has to go take another shower. Eventually, Coby overpowers James, and rolls him off the platform. Koror wins again!!!
When Radul returns from his shower, we are having trouble with our antenna reception. Since Koror has won the challenge, Radul knows that Coby will not be shown the rest of this episode, so he volunteers to go outside and work on the antenna dish some more. After a few minutes, the picture does not get any better, and we are wondering if he is experiencing difficulties.
After the challenge at the Ulong camp, they are lamenting their defeat. James is embarassed that "his behind was whipped by a homosexual." Cousin Hassim says there are men in America who would pay handsomely for that privelege. James says gay people are strong because they "work out at the gym" all the time. Ismira begins singing "YMCA" while Azidi assists her with all the arm motions.
The men all agree, as does the television viewing audience, that Kim is worthless and must be the next one voted out. The women discuss voting off one of the men, who were pretty much worthless in the recent challenge. That would give them a 3-2 advantage, but would mean they would lose even MORE challenges. They spend a few minutes silently cursing the coconut that led to their demise.
Then, it's time for this enthusiastic bunch to head off to Tribal Council. Probst has affixed little personalized brass commemorative plaques to their seats for the occasion. He asks them the same questions: How does it feel to be the worst tribe in Survivor history? I'll bet it feels bad, doesn't it? Why are you so worthless? Why are the three remaining guys all from Alabama? Ulong, of course, can answer none of these questions.
There is a commotion outside the tent, and my daughter Azidi goes outside to take a look. She returns in astonishment to report that she saw Cousin Radul being hauled away by a US military convoy!! Apparently, the soldiers traced their equipment to our antenna! Hassim slinks quietly away to a corner of the tent. I hope they do not put Radul into a military prison; I have heard of some of the abuses there... On second thought, Cousin Radul might enjoy it.
When our attention again returns to the television, Probst is asking the Ulongs who works around camp. Kim shouts "Not Me!!" as her tribemates stare at her. Can the women survive without the men? Stephenie says of course, but they wouldn't be able to have babies. Didn't you study biology, Probst? however, she says, THESE particular men are worthless. Bobby John says he wishes Kim would go kill a bear. Or maybe get eaten by one. James chimes in to say that Coby has a nice, strong, tight behind. Before the conversation can degrade any further, Probst tells them it's time to vote.
James votes for Kim. No surprise there. Kim votes for James. No surprise there, either. Those are the only two votes we are shown, so everyone in my tent knows what this means...
And we are all correct. The vote turns out to be 5-1, and Kim is going away. Probst wonders who's going to pick up her workload now that she's gone. And Yamiin thinks I am sarcastic? The remaining five losers trudge off into the darkness, with the sound of laughing chimpanzees in the distance...
Next week, it looks like Jennifer and Gregg are beginning to snuggle. The last couple to do that are now doing it together at Loser's Lodge! Also, the Ulong tribe gets lost coming back from Tribal Council. THERE'S a surprise. And... are you ready... another TWIST!!!
And now, as a worthless little straw figure blazes above our heads, a note to all our faithful readers: It seems that Cousin Radul will be unavailable to choose his "Diva of the Week" award this episode, at least until we can find out where he is being held. We need your help!! Please post or e-mail and tell us who Radul's choice for "Diva of the Week" should be. He will be eternally grateful!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
March 03, 2005
Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 3: "Snakes, Sharks, Coconuts, And Other Predators"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
So much to make fun of, so little time! Happiness has descended on my large, dysfunctional family as we look forward each week to more antics of the new batch of misfit Americans that populate our television screen. Just when we think they cannot get any odder, they seem to prove us wrong. Each batch of contestants seems crazier than the one before! Granted, my family has only seen two seasons, but you get my point. Ismira, who has followed all 10 seasons, assures us that this is true. When "Survivor" is on, we have someone to make fun of other than each other! So get ready, for the Merchant of Medina, Honest Achmed, and clan are still here (despite the gag order from the village elders) to analyze every moment of this delicious Darwinian experiment we call "Survivor: Palau!"
This week, Ismira read on the Internet that the next round of choosing contestants for "Survivor" has closed. She was outraged that her belly-dancing video was not chosen for an interview. She had already bought her airline ticket to Los Angeles in preparation for an interview! To make matters worse, travelocity.com does not offer refunds. She has spent the last week cursing Mark Burnett in a manner that I have not seen since the days of the Ayatollah, and has even spray-painted the cryptic letters "EPMB" on several buildings in the village square! She says she will give the airline ticket to one of Cousin Hassim's "associates" who will send Mark Burnett a "message." I shall have to forbid Ismira from continuing to watch "Desperate Housewives."
But on a more interesting note... My competitor, Honest Omar, has been released from the village jail and has re-opened his shop. Months ago, he tried to sell Survivor Items that I have the Mideast market on. Well, Allah's wrath came down on him, and to make a long story short (too late) he ended up in jail. Now, his shop no longer sells "Survivor" merchandise, praise be. Nowadays, he calls his enterprise "Monster Oasis," and specializes in custom-outfitting wagons, carts, and beasts of burden. He wants to ride the "reality show" craze in his own sad way. However, his biggest customer has been Cousin Radul, who is having all his camels outfitted with "spinners."
In between visits to Omar's shop, Radul had finally decided on his "Diva of the week" award. This week, he presents it to the blonde bombshell Kim. Like a true Diva, she refused to do anything remotely resembling "work", even refusing to participate in the Immunity Challenge when it was obvious her team needed all the help it could get. She was also Diva-worthy for attaching herself to Jeff, a strong, horny guy who would take care of her throughout the game. We will see if the Diva strategy works!
And speaking of "horny guys," Cousin Hassim's "Cruellest Son-Of-A-Djinn" Award goes to Jeff! Not that he DID anything remarkable cruel this week, but his overall attitide was pretty darn cruel. He was excited that Koror lost their flint, and hoped they never found it. Then, he made unnecessarily cruel remarks to poor Ashlee when he voted for her at Tribal Council.
While we're on the "Ashlee" subject, she gets my "Dumbest American Mistake" Award. First of all, for applying to a show about conniving and baskstabbing, THEN realizing she couldn't do it! Then, once on the island, we find out that she ASKED the other players to vote her off so she could go home early. This goes far beyond a mistake, but this is the harshest award I can give. Perhaps, next season, I will create the "I Want You To Suffer And Die" Award.
Ismira is still upset at not being chosen for the next round of "Survivor," and refuses to give out a Strategic Award this week. She says no one did anything particularly smart last week, and it's all Mark Burnett's fault. She repeats how he is the ulitmate Capitalist American pig until I remind her that he is not American. She retreats back to her laptop computer to continue something she calls "flaming."
Ismira will feel better once this week's episode begins. Last week on "Survivor: Palau," the Ulong Tribe won the Reward Challenge thanks to "Superfreak" Angie, but then lost the all-important Immunity Challenge again. At Tribal Council, they decided to throw out Ashlee, who was getting tired of the game already (talk about short attention spans...) Will Ulong continue to lose? Probably. Will Probst continue to humiliate the Survivors? Most likely. Will Hassim send another straw effigy up in flames? Definitely! Oh well, we can hear the new boom-box on Cousin Radul's camel as he arrives outside; let's get started!!!
My HDTV screen immediately turns blue and fuzzy. This can only mean one thing... It's nighttime after Ulong has just voted off poor Ashlee. They are moaning about how they all hate Tribal Council, and wish they didn't have to go. The thought does not occur to them to maybe win an IMMUNITY Challenge instead of a Reward Challenge.
The tribe, especially Kim, are also upset with Probst for being hard on them tonight. The thought does not occur to them that, quite possibly, that is his JOB. They are simply making it incredibly easy and thoroughly enjoyable. Probst hasn't enjoyed his job this much since he got to snuff Richard Hatch's torch! Kim says how dare Probst suggest she and Jeff have a thing going on; there's nothing going on. With that, she climbs in bed next to Jeff and goes to sleep eskimo-kissing and calling him "cuddly-wuddly pooh bear."
James sees what's going on, and says that soon they will be "sucking face." I am thinking perhaps this refers to some new form of plastic surgery. James says he has "ears like a bat"; perhaps he needs plastic surgery as well. He is also very upset that no one has called him "cuddly-wuddly pooh bear" since that night he spent in an Alabama jail. And with that thought ringing in our collective mind's eye, we say goodnight.
The next day dawns, and we see the Koror tribe singing "It's Raining Again," by SuperTramp. All nine tribemates are huddled together in a shelter big enough for three, and moaning about the cold and rainy morning. My daughter shouts the sanest thing I have heard all episode when she tells them not to wear just their underwear in the rain. Yamiin has taught her well!
Coby decides they need a bigger shelter. Oh my goodness, is he wearing a thong? Quickly, everyone, cover your eyes!! Perhaps it is Coby's groin that needs a bigger shelter! Anyway, he is working on the shelter while complaining that THEY haven't gotten the chance to vote anybody off yet. Why does Ulong get to have all the fun? Surely, there's a "Survivor" rule somewhere... People are starting to get on other people's nerves. Yes Coby, you... on ours. Put some pants on, you decadent Westerner!!!
In a prime example of what he was talking about, Caryn is upset at someone again. This time, she's the prosecutor in "Caryn vs. That Obnoxious Girl Sitting In The Canoe." She begins to go on a tirade against Katie about how she's sick of Katie talking all the time. Then Katie tries to talk, but Caryn won't let her. On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on she goes about how Katie just won't shut up. She emphasizes her point by vigorously shaking a fistful of leaves she had just collected as toilet paper. The viewers in my tent hope they were new and not used. Katie simply thinks she's crazy, and we are beginning to wonder the same thing. Only much later does Caryn realize that going ballistic on someone may not have been the smartest move. Chalk up one candidate for my weekly award!
Before Katie can call Willard her defense attorney, it's time for the Reward Challenge! Ulong shows up without Ashlee, desperately hoping this challenge won't be the traditional Survivor "Dolly Parton Look-alike Contest." Today, they're in luck. The challenge involves racing to get a floating life preserver. The first tribe member to get it back to their floating raft gets a point. And, oh, yes, full contact wrestling, dunking, hair pulling, eye-gouging, and even underwater wedgies are allowed! Hassim is cheering, and Ismira says someone named "Robbbbbbbbb" would have enjoyed this game.
The reward will be crude sewing implements and fabric, so that the Survivors can fashion Flintstones-looking clothing for themselves. Turns out that these particular contestants looked a lot uglier in their underwear than the CBS producers had anticipated, and something had to be done about it. Willard, who has already showed his swimming prowess, sits out, as does Caryn, too tired from her court case that morning.
The first round pits Tom against Jeff. Tom gets the life preserver, but then Jeff attacks him and wrestles it away from him. The men fight back and forth, and I decide that this is more entertaining than the WWF wrestling marathon that Radul picked up on the satellite dish last week. Finally, Jeff power-swims and carries both the life preserver AND Tom back to the Ulong raft. Tom is embarrassed, knowing now he will have to resign from the NYC Fire Department in disgrace.
The next round features Jennifer against Stephenie. Both beautiful young women leap into the water and head for the life ring. Several moments of absolutely breathtaking catfighting commences, with the cameramen capturing wonderful artistic shots of it all. Radul is glued to the screen, his mouth agape. Stephanie slowly outmuscles Jennifer, and the score is soon 2-0 in Ulong's favor! Radul has a tear in his eye when this scene is over.
The third round teams Angie and Bobby John against Janu and Gregg. Bobby John quickly grabs the ring while Gregg hangs back to attack him. However, Gregg has not figured on the "Tasmanian Devil," Angie. She is protecting Bobby John by forcefully dunking Janu underwater, effectively putting her out of the game. Janu is upset, as the time underwater dredges up memories of that time in Vegas when she was Houdini's assistant. Angie then leaps onto Gregg's back like a jackal in heat. (Trust me, I've seen them.) As her team cheers, she dunks him repeatedly like a traveling preacher at a revival until Bobby John makes it back to the Ulong raft for a decisive win!! Cousin Hassim is so proud of Angie. Birds of a feather...
Probst gives Ulong their sewing supplies, while telling Koror, "I have nothing for you. Go home. I have delivered more rats to your beach to torment you. And Coby, put some pants on; this is a family show."
Back at the happy Ulong camp, they decide how they can use the sewing kit. None of them actually know how to SEW, so most of the kit is useless. They decide to use it to catch fish, until they realize that none of them actually know how to FISH, either. Eventually, they wrap lengths of fabric around themselves and have a toga party.
In the middle of all this frivolity, Bobby John is having "issues." He is upset that he seems to be the only one working. Everyone else, especially Kim, seems to be pretty worthless. Especially Kim. Did he mention that Kim was worthless? Especially worthless? He would like to sue his other tribemates, but both lawyers are on the other island. Even now, Kim is watching Bobby John work, and thinking she's working by doing this. Kim says he shouldn't work so hard; it makes her feel worthless. Especially worthless.
Over at the Koror beach, the tribe can find no evidence of all the extra rats Probst promised them. And darn it, they were hungry! Turns out, all the rats have been eaten by giant, poisonous snakes hiding out in a nearby cliff. Ismira says there's a "snakes and rats" speech in there somewhere. Not taking their recent loss too hard, Tom, Ian, and Gregg go snake hunting. Ian apologizes to the snakes, promises to go to confession, then chops the heads off of two or three of the huge, venomous creatures. I know personally that snake meat is very tasty; there is a restaurant in Marrakesh that serves this delicacy with a side salad and one of those large fried onions!
As they are dripping the blood from the snakes' bodies, it begins attracting sharks into the lagoon. While most people run FROM sharks, these hungry Survivors head into the water with semi-sharp sticks. Tom wants a nice, juicy shark steak in the frying pan. I do not know how shark meat tastes; the restaurant in Marrakesh does not serve that dish. Ian tries his fish voice to lure them closer, but apparently it only works on dolphins. Maybe he could taaaaaaaaaaaalk tooooooooooooo whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaales... The sharks fall for none of these antics, and tease the Survivors before swimming away. If they only had a Filet-O-Fish (tm) Sandwich handy!
That night, something very interesting happens at the Ulong Camp. Jeff is up in the woods taking a tinkle, when he stumbles on a renegade coconut on his way back to camp. It seems he used a particular set of secret numbers to beat Tom and win the Reward challenge earlier that day, and now bad luck is following him. He twists and sprains his ankle, limping back to bed. He tells us that he hopes it will be better by the morning. Too late, Jeff; you've opened the box!!! Run for your life!!!
Day 8 is upon us, and we are treated to the sight of Bobby John in a full-on set of "Depends" and looking like a hillbilly Baby New Year. He is putting in the last safety pin in a precarious place as Jeff approaches and the two are soon involved in an animated discussion about the pros and cons of genital piercing. Jeff is hoping that this will be a restful day that will give his ankle time to heal, but I think all of us know that this is not to be. The cameramen have reported Jeff's injury back to Probst, and our macabre host jumps at the opportunity to inflict more pain and suffering.
Diaper-boy immediately finds tree mail, telling of a challenge happening that morning! We can hear Probst's evil laugh echoing between the islands. The tree mail says something about carrying your weight, and both Jeff and Kim know they're in trouble. Jeff is cursing his dumb luck. Never should've used those numbers...
And suddenly we're at the Immunity Challenge. To immediately clue the opposing team in on the situation, Probst asks Jeff if his ankle is injured. As if the wheelchair wasn't a dead giveaway. Not really caring about the answer, Probst shows them the challenge. Each Survivor will be loaded down with dead weight (No, not KIM; bags of sand.) They will be tied together and harnessed to a rectangular-shaped course in the water. The object is to chase each other in this endless loop while the viewing audience laughs at you. If you quit, you must give your sand to someone else to carry. No dunking or underwater wedgies this time. The first team to catch the other team wins Immunity. Clear? No? GO!!!!
Katie and Janu, still suffering trauma after the last water challenge, sit out as the game starts. Jeff immediately gives his pack away so he won't slow his team down. Caryn immediately does as well, but for her, it's because she's a weenie. Willard is next, then Kim and Angie for Ulong. It's Stephenie and a bunch of guys left. Tom is making the Energizer Bunny proud; not flinching even though he's carrying 340 pounds of sand already. Coby drops out next, leaving Tom carrying the rest of his teammates as well. Koror, under Tom's excellent leadership (translation: drill-seargent commanding) begins making headway on the weakening Ulong tribe. James drops out, bat ears and all.
After 6 or 7 hours, the water begins to get deeper. They have reached the expert level, and there are no cheat codes. Ulong tries running, but is just too tired. Koror is making more headway. Finally, in a burst of energy, they sprint up to the dragging Ulongs. Ian makes a Spiderman-like leap and takes down Ibrehem. Koror has won immunity again! The monkey begins his familiar trek back to Home Sweet Home, and Ulong knows that they soon will be making a familiar trek as well.
The Ulong Tribe (Now Palauan for "Perpetual Losers") is facing yet another "NOW who do we vote out?" decision. Jeff gathers everyone together and says it should be him, because he is injured, can't help the team, and has already been on TV long enough to impress that babe at the fitness center back home. If he had a torch, he would snuff it out himself. (What was that, Radul? Wh... Oh, that's just disgusting!)
This reverse-psychology ploy seems to be working. The rest of the tribe is saying "No, no, we'll keep you and kick out somebody even more worthless. Especially worthless." I wonder who they could be talking about? Kim's name is floating around camp like one of the life savers from yesterday. Some tribe members want to give Jeff his wish; some tribe members still want to vote off Kim and keep Jeff. Maybe he could run the next race on his hands. Can this tribe ever agree on ANYTHING?
Before Jeff can beg to be put out of his misery any more, it's time for Tribal Council. Probst says you've been here so much, why not just move your camp here? Kim REALLY likes him now. What, do you LIKE losing? Are you THAT bad? Or do you just want all this extra television screen time? Ulong has no answer. Ibrehem says if Jeff wasn't such a girly-man, they would've won the Immunity Challenge. Bobby John says they're all girly-men compared to Tom the Titan, and can he switch to Tom's team soon? Probst slaps him, and says the Tribal switcheroo isn't until a couple of more episodes.
Jeff (the girly-man, not Probst) continues to whine about how he's useless. Probst, already knowing the answer, asks Ibrehem who else is useless. Ibrehem says everyone works (ahem, except Kim) but some people take longer rests (ahem, Kim) and don't do as much as others (ahem, Kim). Kim begins fidgeting, suspecting that Ibrehem might be talking about her. She says that she's weak compared to to these buff, Tarzan-like slabs of oozing manhood and should be allowed to lay on the beach and do nothing. She has just lost her membership in the National Organization of Women, but will now receive an invitation from the Daughters of the Confederacy. She finishes up by saying that she'll worry about those things tomorrow.
So, Probst asks, which utterly useless person will you be voting off? As usual, Ulong has no answer, so Probst decided to get it over with and sends them off to vote. James votes for Kim, saying she's lazy. THERE's a revelation. Kim votes for jeff, saying he asked her too. (Tanslation: "Better you than me.") Bobby John votes for Kim as well.
We see the two votes for Kim, but that's all she receives. The rest of the tribe has decided to give Jeff his wish, and he is the next Survivor to walk the trail of tears. He wishes them luck, then hobbles into the night. Probst wonders aloud how this loser tribe will ever manage to turn things around. That would be the "64,000 dollar question," but none of these players will be around long enough to win that much money!
Ah, well, bad karma (and wandering through coconut-infested jungles) has claimed another victim in Survivorland. Next week, the Ulong tribe is desperate for food, an Immunity Win, and a new tailor. The tribes are instructed to choose a tribe member for a special task, and guess what? Ulong can't decide!!!
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com