Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 2: "Clam, Bam, Thank You Ma'am"

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

Life is good again! The air smells fresher, the sun shines brighter, and the water tastes fresher. (Honest Omar moved his camels away from the town well.) My village is once again abuzz with Survivor talk, from the markets to the outlying sand dunes. Who will align with whom? Who will backstab whom? Who will win Immunity? And why in Allah's name is Cousin Radul tye-dyeing all of his sheep? Yes, Survivor Mania has settled back onto my clan, and we are as excited as when we got to vote in the Iraqi elections! (Now, if that blasted blue ink would just come off...) And as always, yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Bargain Bedouin, and clan are here to give you our unique perspective!

Last week's episode was certainly an eye-opener. Two people were not even allowed to play! Actually, that is not quite true. They got to play for one day, and played so poorly, they were not selected to go any further! Survivor is, after all, a social game, and first impressions mean quite a bit. I tried to tell that to Cousin Radul when he showed up to his first Rotary Club meeting wearing dreadlocks and low-riders!

As you may remember, last week was my daughter Azidi's first experience with "Survivor". Well, now she is hooked. She thinks the crazy Americans are "whacked" and loves to see them suffer almost as much as Cousin Hassim does. This week at school, she decided to "show and tell" about last week's episode. She and a friend painted their fingers to represent the twenty survivors and put on a finger-puppet show for the class. Unfortunately, Azidi's friend ended up in the village hospital when my daughter demonstrated how three little finger puppets didn't last the show... with a butcher knife. Well, at least the child still has her opposable thumbs!

Well, on to our family's awards. Granted, it is early in the season, but based on just one episode, we have already picked our favorites. My award, the "Dumbest American Mistake," was actually a no-brainer this week. Poor, socially maladjusted Wanda is this week's recipient! Her perky attitude and never-ending barrage of sickeningly-cute ditties made her stand out in a game of "fitting in." Of all the dumb mistakes last week, hers turned out to be the costliest.

Ismira's Strategic award goes to Coby. Unsure of the game rules or even the tribal split or dynamics, Coby surreptitiously floated Jonathon's name out among several members of the group, and planted a general seed of uncertainty that caused Jonathon not to be picked at the tribal selection. He also tried to form alliances with several different people. This a good strategy unless you have to backstab too early, as he did with Angie. We will see if this comes back to haunt him.

Coby also gets Cousin Hassim's "Cruellest Son-of-a-djinn" Award this week, for many of the same reasons. Picking poor Jonathon at random and practically single-handedly arranging his ouster was the cruellest move of the week. He also earned kudos from Hassim for being the first contestant to make someone else cry when he backstabbed Angie in the first 15 minutes of the show!

Cousin Radul's "Diva" award, surprisingly enough, goes to Jolanda. Tight, buff, with a butt crack that CBS had to blur out the entire episode, Jolanda also sported a "take nuthin' from nobody" attitude that made her especially Diva-worthy. Admittedly, it also got said butt crack voted out of the game, but sometimes a Diva must take her lumps. Cousin Radul would not last a day on "Survivor!"

Well, enough about us. Last week on "Survivor: Palau", three contestants were eliminated from the game. The remaining Survivors were then split into the "Young but Stupid" tribe and the "Wise but Flabby" tribe. In the Immunity Challenge, WBF prevailed over YBS, and Ulong made their first trek to Tribal Council. Will Ulong continue to lose? Will Koror find their missing flint? Will Coby finally lose the hot pink shirt? Azidi's bandaged friend is with us in the tent; let's get started!!!

I think my television is on the fritz again, as the images that start the show are grainy and discolored, and little figures are scurrying across the screen. But then we remember, this is Survivor "night-vision" and the little figures are rats running loose across the beach. I am thinking that this tribe has just discovered a wonderful new source of food, but the contestants don't seem to share my enthusiasm. Janu, especially, is having panic attacks with the little creatures, having been scarred for life as a young dancer while working in a Sigfried and Roy rodent show gone awry.

Caryn is upset that they followed Tom's advice and opted for the new "adventure." Like my Uncle Riazza used to say, "Adventure is just a lot of hardship a long way from home." This is certainly the case here, as the Survivors have no food (unless you count the rats), no fire, and no fresh water. Caryn begins preparing her opening arguments in the case of "Koror vs. Tom" and won't shut up about it. Katie is upset that Caryn is getting so much screen time, when she had a stand-up routine all prepared ("Hey, anybody here from another island?")

At the original campsite, the Jolanda-less Ulong tribe is waking up to a new, stress-free day. Everyone can relax and lounge around, without having to worry about pesky little things like food, fire, or water. Yes, life is good! Soon, however, it becomes clear that no one is quite sure WHAT to do. Without Jolanda, the time clock is all messed up, and no one is sure when to rest and when to work, and people are abusing the employee pension plan. Eventually, the CBS producers steer them in the right direction, and they tromp off into the woods to collect their treemail.

The treemail warns them of an upcoming challenge (isn't that what treemail does, anyway) and hints at combat between the tribes. Cousin Hassim immediately begins drooling, and wonders what sort of military-grade hardware the players will be issued. He is alreading dreaming of mustard gas and phosphorous grenades! I am hoping he will not be too disappointed; we are having buffalo lamb tonight, and if he throws his bowl at the screen, the sauce is very difficult to clean.

Angie is pondering her fate. She realizes she is viewed as the weakest member of her tribe and decides her best strategy is to try her hardest in the Challenge to prove she's not JUST a weird, tattooed, bartending freak from New Orleans. I turn to Ismira and whisper "foreshadowing" to her before she can do it to me. Ismira glares at me with a look that lets me know it will be a long, lonely night. But to Angie's credit, Ismira says, doing well in challenges is ALMOST always a good bet. Unless you're in mid-game, when you don't want to look like a threat; unless you're in a power dyad or tryad and moving toward endgame or if you're an unaligned singleton looking for a WOE alliance... it begins to boggle my brain, and I get up to serve myself more buffalo lamb. Ismira goes back to her blogging.

Sure enough, it is soon time for the Reward Challenge. Probst shows the Koror tribe how Ulong voted out their strongest player Jolanda, and Koror has a good laugh. He then asks Koror how their new flint is working out, and then ULONG gets to have a good laugh. Now that Probst has humiliated both teams, let's get to the challenge!

It will be balancing obstacle course, with players having to make their way over a rope swing, rolling barrels, a balance beam, a bridge, another rope, then through a hail of mortar fire (okay, Hassim made that last part up). They must collect ten flags and bring them back through the course to win the reward of fishing gear and more flint. Except for Koror, Jeff says, and laughs diabolically. He is truly my hero. And to appease Cousin Hassim, the teams will be allowed to swing heavy bags of sand at each other. Not exactly small weapons fire, but Hassim is satisfied. Willard sits out for Koror, not wanting to put his sniper skills to use just yet.

And they're off!! Coby is quickly pummelled by a bag and my family laughs. James leaps and hits the landing platform, and all the men in my tent cross their legs and grimace. A few more of the young studs try the course, but are knocked into the water as well.

Then Katie and Angie hit the ropes. Angie quickly makes short work of the course, scampering across it like, according to Ismira, someone named "Boston Rob." Katie, always the comedienne, is making everyone (on the other tribe, anyway) laugh by making a fool of herself on the ropes. Several players from Ulong pass her and get their flags while she entertains the crowd. Finally, Willard helps her make it across (can he DO that while sitting out?) and she makes it to the flag. She collapses from a combination of exhaustion and embarrassment, and is out of the game.

Angie, meanwhile, has gotten several more flags, and is being hailed as the Betsy Ross of her team. Others from Ulong get their flags as well, and Kim finally comes through with the final flag to secure Ulong's first win! They grab their fishing gear and the Hawaiian sling, which Ismira likes to call "Rupert's Rod." And to further add to Koror's humiliation, they get a flint as well.

Back at the Ulong Camp, things have turned around for Angie. See what I said about the foreshadowing? Her teammates are congratulating her. They still think she's a freak, of course, but now she's a VALUABLE freak. Until next Tribal Council, anyway. They quickly start a fire and start boiling water. The young guns of the tribe head out into the water and manage to nab a few fish. In addition, they come back with a giant clam. Did they spear it with "Rupert's Rod?" If so, I hope they didn't lose the tip... Jeff is happy they're eating, and hopes that Koror never finds their flint, and spends eternity in the fiery pits of Hades. A nice guy, that Jeff... Ismira says his fully-shaved body really creeps her out. She is used to us swarthy Middle Eastern men!

Meanwhile, back at the rat-infested stinkhole that is the Koror camp, it's time to recover their lost flint and finally re-enter the Stone Age. The tribe takes the canoe out at high tide with a strong current, when finding the flint will be the easiest. I'm sorry, was the sarcasm that obvious? Ian dives down and uses his college degree to communicate with a school of dolphins in the area who may have seen the lost flint box. When the dolphins stop laughing, then tell him where the flint is. After much swimming and paddling, the Koror tribe finally manages to tie the crate to the canoe and drag it back to shore.

The tribe finally makes fire. (Actually, Ismira is blogging and informs us that the Koror tribe actually lost the flint AGAIN, making even further fools of themselves. I think she is just making this up.) The fire rejuvenates the tribe, and they realize that things aren't so bad. Denial is such a calming emotional state of being.

Later that night, the Ulong tribe is cleaning their giant prehistoric clam around their newly-made fire. Soon, a boiling pot of New England clam chowder is on the menu. Sounds of slurping and slobbering fill the air. However, Mormons apparently don't eat shellfish (a fact I did not know) and Ashlee decides she is not hungry. After all, it's only been four days without food! She is happy with her coconuts (Stop giggling, Radul) and she heads off to bed. The others notice her antisocial behavior, and I make a notation for another Dumb American Mistake. This is a social game, people!! Some of the others try to encourage her to eat, but to no avail.

In the middle of the night, more sounds of slurping and slobbering fill the air. This time, it's Jeff and Kim, getting friendly. They are snuggling with each other, obstensibly to keep warm. Ismira is shaking her head, mumbling something about "Rob and Amber" and saying the others better watch out. Personally, I am appalled at the thought of two smelly, sweaty, dirty people engaged in... but I digress.

Angie, now a major player in the Ulong tribe, is taking Ismira's advice. She is suspicious that the two of them are forming too close of a bond and may have some sort of alliance. Radul says they are having SOMETHING, but it is not an alliance. Allah help me; the perversions are everywhere I turn!!

The sun once again rises over Palau, and the castaways find a mysterious item in their tree mail box... An army mess kit with dots and dashes engraved on it. Ulong thinks the next challenge will be to use the mess kit to create a Fat-Albert junkyard band, but my clan knows better. This can only mean one thing; more pain and suffering are about to ensue!

The accompanying note says "Learn Morse Code" and Cousin Radul begins stomping his feet before I remind him that it not "HORSE Code." Ulong begins tearing up the code sheet and learning bits of the code. Jeff learns "X,G,and R" while our loveable redneck James already knows the Morse code for "F.U." The sooner this man is off my HDTV, the better!

Shortly thereafter, we see both tribes arriving at the challenge site. Ulong canoes to the CORRECT island this time. Probst asks Koror to kindly return the wooden monkey, which they tearfully do. Ismira says it has brought them bad luck so far, and reminds her of a certain tiki from "The Brady Bunch."

This Immunity Challenge looks to be a tough one, but then again, I am a desert-dweller so any water challenge frightens me. Two heavy footlockers rest on the ocean floor, tied to a three-mile length of underwater rope that the Survivors must pull while holding their breath and holding their underwear (no more blurring, please!) The first tribe to pull their footlocker near will open it to reveal more coded pots and pans. Then, they will spell the winning answer in Morse Code. Koror sits out Katie, who had only studied the letters X, Q, and Z.

GO!!! The victims, er, Survivors all plunge into the water, and the young Ulong tribe quickly swims their way out to their floating platform. Willard, who has apparently taken swimming lessons from Vanuatu's Scout, slowly doggy-paddles his way out into the lagoon. Once he arrives, his team is far behind.

Ulong is in a sizeable lead until we are introduced to the Man From Atlantis, aka Tom. The NYC firefighter dives under water and pulls on the rope with ease, steadily moving the footlocker closer. For Ulong, Ashlee tries to swim down to the rope, but her personal floatation devices won't let her stay down long enough to help. Kim, with a similar medical condition, doesn't even attempt it.

Koror has implemented the "buddy system," where two or more people go down and pull the rope. Ulong hasn't mastered the "two are stronger than one" concept, and sends their young studs down one at a time. These studs' chests are obviously all muscle and no air capacity, because none of them can stay down long enough to even tug on the rope. Tom has been underwater for thirty-seven minutes pulling the rope now, and Koror is well in the lead. They open their footlocker and quickly free the imprisoned mess kits. Amnesty International would be proud!

From here on, it is an embarrassing rout. Ulong keeps treading water while Koror experiments with how many different words they can spell with the painted pots. After forming "tiny, minty, timmy, tummy, unity," and a host of others, Probst points out they are playing the wrong game. In THIS one, they only have to form ONE word. They quickly spell out "Immunity" while Ulong has changed their strategy and is looking for more clams. Probst returns the wooden monkey to the victorious tribe, and sends the losers back to camp, with no clams.

Ulong paddles back to their beach, finally locating it after a wrong turn at Guam. They find their camp once more, but the rain has all but extinguished their fire. They scoop up what embers they can salvage and bring them to the shelter of a nearby cave. A cave!?? My family is shocked and amazed. Why haven't they used this cave before? We begin booing and hissing at the foolish tribe on the television. Azidi's little friend makes a gesture that I am sure would have been obscene had the child still retained all her fingers.

The plotting begins anew. They are getting quite good at it by now. James, Angie, and Stephenie discuss getting rid of Kim, because she didn't help at the challenge, is generally worthless, and they are appalled that her black roots are beginning to show. But to show that their intelligent scheming does indeed have its limits, they quickly inform Jeff of their plans. Yes, the same Jeff that is already forming his own Final Two alliance with said Kim. Will he go along with the idea? Okay, everybody, all together now... DUH!!!!!

Jeff suggests Ashlee instead. She is looking tired, and she didn't partake in the sacred Palau clam-bonding ritual the night before. The Ulong tribe seems to be split on the matter. Let's see; indecisiveness on the Ulong tribe? Go figure! Ashlee or Kim? Kim or Ashlee? James suggests they have a wet T-shirt contest to determine the winner. Ashlee, to her credit, says they should break up the dynamic duo of Jeff and Kim. Ismira says for once, someone is thinking straight. Unfortunately, with the way Ulong is going, I think this means Ashlee is a goner.

Everyone is nervous about a tie at Tribal Council. Will it be decided by trivia questions, previous votes, a purple rock of death, or some other devious invention of Jeff Probst? James suggests the wet T-shirt contest again. In my tent, Cousin Hassim firmly believes a tie should be decided by hand-to-hand combat. Or fist-to-face combat. Or knee-to-groin combat; Hassim doesn't really care.

And thus we are left wondering as the Ulong Tribe (which is now Paluan for "aimless wanderers") makes their way to Tribal Council, finally locating it after a wrong turn at Fiji. Probst sits them down and wastes no time in pulling out all their dirty laundry. (Radul, I know they haven't taken a bath in days; it is just a figure of speech.) He comments how poor, freakish Angie has gone from loser in a loser tribe to valuable in a loser tribe. Angie screams "I Rock!!!", jumps up, plays air guitar, and makes various rocker symbols with her hands.

The key phrase, though, is still "loser tribe." So, how does that feel, loser tribe? Ulong admits that it feels bad, not having had the chance to touch Probst's monkey yet, but there's still time. Kim says it doesn't feel good (an understatement) and that they don't want to lose anybody. Translation: don't kick me out; kick out the OTHER chick with big breasts!

Probst, who has watched the tapes of Jeff and Kim snuggling because he was lonely from missing Julie Berry, asks them to comment on their relationship. Taking the bait hook, line, and sinker (cool analogy from a desert dweller, no?), Jeff and Kim both admit to having a bond. It's just a bond; not an alliance. They plan on sticking together to the very end and voting everyone else off, but it's not an alliance, really. Not by the definition of alliance. (Thank you, Mr. Clinton; you may sit down now.) The other tribe members are not buying it for a minute.

Probst asks James who he's voting for. James says well, I wanted to have this here contest like back home... but the other players shut him up. He finally says he's voting for someone who's ready to go home. The entire world is ready for HIM to go home, but I think the rules prohibit a vote against yourself. Probst really doesn't care who they're voting for; he just wanted to give James the chance to say more stupid stuff for the camera. Having gotten multiple quality redneck sound bytes, he says it's time to vote.

We see Ibrehem voting for Kim; he says he can't betray Ashlee. We are not sure why; doesn't he understand that to win, you pretty much have to betray EVERYBODY? Then Jeff votes for Ashlee, and makes a snide remark about how she bugs "the hell out of him." Azidi's friend makes another would-have-been-obscene gesture at the screen. Jeff is not her favorite player.

Probst reads the votes, and poor, sweet, flotationally-challenged Ashlee is already getting teary-eyed. Perhaps this won't be the close vote we were expecting! He reveals a vote for Kim, then one for Ashlee, then one for Jeff. Jeff seems perplexed that anyone would vote for him and his sweet personality.

However, all the rest of the votes are for Ashlee, and the would-be Mormon sex symbol (her words, not ours) is sent down the trail of doom into the darkness. I am personally sad to see her go; I was just getting started on the Ashlee jokes! Probst begins chanting "Loser tribe; loser tribe; loser tribe," and tells them they need goals and direction. I don't know, maybe a... leader? Perhaps their executive committee could look into the matter.

As yet another top-heavy straw figurine bursts into flames over our heads, we see the previews for next week. It looks like the Koror tribe goes hunting sharks with sticks. I see "Dumb American Mistake" written all over this! Also, Jeff's foot is injured (probably from sticking it in his mouth too much) and Caryn the lawyer and Katie the stand-up comedian are gearing up for a catfight!! Looks to be interesting!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com