Middle East Guide To "Survivor: Palau"
Episode 1: "Choices, Challenges, Chumps, And A Wooden Monkey"

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

It's showtime! Or as we like to call it in my village, "Close the shops, the crazy Americans are back on TV." It's time for more starvation, dehydration, whining, splinters, blisters, sprains, tears, bruised egos, women in underwear, arguing, backstabbing, plotting, fishing, chopping, coconut-smashing, torch-snuffing, catty remarks, and half-naked men than anyone should have to endure. What more can you ask for any hour on television other than "Jerry Springer?" If this seems overwhelming, have no fear: Honest Achmed, Salesman of the Sinai, and clan are here to take you through the twists and turns of yet another season!

Every Friday morning, my village is all but deserted, with everyone in their tents getting ready for another exciting season of "Survivor!" Streets are empty, stores are closed like on an Arab holy day, and even the camels go without a bath! Cousin Radul enjoys the quiet time, for it gives him a chance to do his daily jog through the streets. He says he can wear his "buff" while jogging, and no one will laugh at him. I do not have the heart to tell him that he is not supposed to wear ONLY the buff.

My tent is decorated for the occasion. Yamiin, my second wife, and Ismira, my fourth wife, have spent days adorning our abode with handmade Survivor signs, painted in the new Survivor tribe colors of blue, brown, and green. Camoflauge is everywhere! My daughter Azidi is not sure what the fuss is all about (she has never seen "Survivor" before) but has made herself a camo-colored set of capri pants and bare-midriff top. I shall have to speak with her mother about this; she is too young to be dressing like a belly-dancer!

Even Cousin Hassim has helped out with the decorating in his own way. He has made little straw effigies of each of the twenty Survivors and hung them from the ceiling of the tent. Every week, he plans to set fire to the survivor who was voted off that episode. A macabre tribute to be sure, but at least he is helping! I will have to make sure we have a fire extinguisher standing by, or it will be a repeat of that incident with the goat meat flambe'...

Ismira has set up shop in one corner of the tent. With her new wireless-enabled laptop computer, she plans on staying connected and monitoring the Internet traffic in "real-time" during the show. She is setting up an Internet chat room entitled "Survivor Hunks vs. Those Who Blow Chunks." Where she gets these ideas, I have no clue. She is also becoming heavily involved in something she calls "blogging." I am not sure what this is, but I hope it is not illegal in the Arab World! Radul is sure that it is some sort of new American dance.

We are also getting ready to give out our family's weekly awards. For my part, my "Dumbest American Move" award is already leaning toward Wanda. I heard her singing, and if the other contestants hear her, she will be the first one gone! Ismira is withholding judgement on "Best Strategic Move" until she actually sees the show. Radul is all but certain to give his "Diva of the Week" award to Kimberly, because she is tall and has "huge tracts of land," whatever that means. We are still trying to convince Cousin Hassim that he can't give his "Cruellest Son-of-a-Djinn" award to Jeff Probst every week!

Well, the clan has finally assembled, and we are eagerly anticipating this new season. We have read about the contestants, argued amongst ourselves, and have generally come to the conclusion that we have no idea of what is about to happen. The twenty little effigies sway ominously above our heads as we grab our bowls of dried dates and settle down in front of the wide-screen HDTV. Cousin Hassim has his lighter ready and waiting; let's get started!!!

Finally, after many long weeks of waiting, our television is once again filled with the sight of a fresh, new, naive set of Americans ready to undergoe various and sundry tortures at the hands of Jeff Probst. My tent cheers as we see the twenty new Survivors set adrift, rowing a large wooden liferaft through wartime wreckage in the beautiful waters of the South Pacific. Around a corner of the nearest island cruises our host, in his own powered speedboat. Cousin Hassim is sure the game will start with Probst ramming the Survivors, demolishing their boat and maiming several in the process. He already loves this season.

Alas, it is not to be. Probst approaches the Survivors and points out a beach about a mile ahead of them. On the beach are two necklaces; whichever man and woman who reaches them first and doesn't mind wearing the gaudy costume jewelry can have Immunity. He then tells them that the game has started, then leaves. The Survivors are understandably confused, with James telling us what we already know; Jeff Probst is one cruel son-of-a-djinn.

Coby, panicking that he will have to spend the entire game in a hot pink dress shirt, immediately jumps up to exit the boat, sure that he can swim faster than nineteen people can row. Where do they find these deep thinkers; even my desert-dwelling family has more sense than that! The other Survivors pull him back down and continue rowing. Hassim says they should have let him jump; the current would have carried him out to sea and all the way back to Vanuatu.

In another installment of "Don't These People Ever Learn," Wanda begins serenading the other contestants during the voyage with all the Survivor limericks she has created in the nine seasons she has been waiting to get on the show. Willard and Coby, among others, contemplate if cracking her skull open with an oar would be a violation of the game rules. Wanda, for her part, wants this game to be one big shindig, and wants to party "like it's 1899." Hassim is already getting his lighter ready.

As they near shore, Jonathon and Stephenie also assume they can outrace a boat full of rowers and leap out of the craft. Sure enough, the boat immediately leaves them in its wake. Picking the "Dumbest American Mistake" will be very difficult this week! In a few more moments, the boat reaches shallow water and all the smart people finally abandon ship and race for shore.

Tall, lanky, could-play-for-the-Globetrotters-if-he-wasn't-white Ian makes it to shore first and claims the men's necklace. Strong, athletic, could-play-for-the-Globetrotters-if-she-wasn't-female Jolanda makes it to shore next and grabs the necklace for the ladies. Everyone collapses to the sand and begins introducing themselves, noticing that they have no buffs, no tribe or tribe names, and a generic banner leftover from "Big Brother 4". Sometime before sunset, Jonathon and Stephenie finally make it to shore.

To their credit, the contestants realize that they need shelter and water, at the very least. Four of the Survivors head into the jungle to find water while the rest begin hacking through the Palau virgin forest, quickly adding to the deforestation of the planet and contributing to overall global warming. Wanda helps out by singing a rousing rendition of "There once was a Survivor from Nantucket..."

In true Survivor fashion, the players decide it's time to "get nekkid," and divide their time between building a shelter and stripping away portions of their clothing. You would think they were all vying for Cousin Radul's "Diva Award!" Some even try the time-honored Survivor tradition of blistering their hands on a rough stick on Day 1 in hopes a fire will miraculously erupt.

The water-searchers eventually find a freshly-dug water well (what a coincidence!) as well as a bag filled with all the Survivors' shoes! So much for the commercial hype about "stranded with nothing." As they travel, fellow oddballs Coby and Angie decide to team up and stick together. Apparently, they were under the impression that this was going to be "Survivor: The Island of Misfit Toys." As it turns out, Angie is in need of a good hairdresser, and Coby is in need of multiple body piercings. Ah, the Circle of Life!

Back at the beach, Janu is helping with the shelter by offering to climb a particularly tall tree to set some support poles. Ismira begins to get teary-eyed as Janu climbs the tree, remembering poor Brady from last season, but then sees Gregg in the background of the scene and is quickly mollified. Janu proves to be quite adept shimmying up the tree, which she attributes to her rock-climbing skills. Cousin Radul says it was more likely from years of pole-dancing in Las Vegas.

Even on Day one, everyone is already getting into the game. Tom and Stephenie are plotting. Coby is busy telling everyone that Jonathon has cooties. Jolanda is eating bugs already. James is showing everyone his luxury item, a "Redneck-to-Klingon Dictionary." Mini-alliances are forming, with no one knowing if or when a Tribal Council will take place. Eventually, the Survivors settle in for the night with James snoring loudly (in Redneck or Klingon, we are not told.)

The next morning, Jeff Probst shows up to begin playing devious mind games with the Survivors. He tells them that the two necklace wearers will last the next 10 minutes of the game, but the others may not. Hassim begins flicking his lighter menacingly. Ian and Jolanda will eack pick a Survivor of the opposite sex, who will then in turn pick a member of the opposite sex. Where Coby fits in, we will have to wait and see. The last two losers left standing will be taunted, humiliated, and sent to Loser's Lodge.

Ian chooses Katie. Jolanda chooses Bobby John. Katie chooses Tom. Bobby John chooses Stephenie. Tom chooses Janu. Choosy mothers choose Jif. Stephenie chooses Jeff. Janu Chooses Gregg. Jeff chooses Kim. Gregg chooses Marcia... oops, that's Jenn. Kim chooses James (she speaks Arabic AND Redneck). Jenn chooses Coby. James chooses Ashlee. Coby chooses Caryn, not Angie. Ouch. Coby didn't realize that Angie was a GIRL! Ashlee chooses Ibrehem. Caryn chooses ex-sniper, postal worker Willard over young, buff Jonathon, and Jonathon is out of the game. Ibrehem, knowing his teammates would KILL him if he invited the human jukebox into their tribe, picks Angie as the final member instead.

Jonathon and Wanda are tossed into a waiting speedboat, never to be heard from again until "The Early Show." Wanda begins singing, and Jonathon hangs his head, thinking, "Oh my God, 38 more days stuck with THIS?" Hassim fires up the lighter, and my tent is filled with smoke as two little straw effigies erupt into flames.

When the smoke clears, Probst has handed out blue and brown buffs, and has named the tribes "Ulong" and "Koror." "Ulong" is Palauan for "young and stupid," while "Koror" is Paluan for "wise but flabby." He tells them that they will be two tribes living on one beach. And we all thought Oscar Madison and Felix Unger had it bad!!!

Both newly-formed tribes head back to their beach. Angie can't figure out why peaple shied away from her and didn't pick her until last, and is mad at Coby for not picking her when she thought they had an alliance. I am thinking "Be glad you learned this lesson on Day 2, and it didn't get your torch snuffed."

A new day, and the two teams meet for the first Immunity / Reward challenge. In true "Let's Make Their Lives Miserable From The Start" fashion, the producers have created a painful jungle obstacle course consisting of ropes, tires, walls, and a mud pit. Then, the tribe will jump into a boat and row out to a flag so the television viewing audience can laugh at their lack of teamwork skills. Along the way, the teams will have the opportunity to add to their pain by carrying over-weighted boxes of supplies if they choose.

The team that wins this race will get all the heavy supplies they carried, plus an ugly wooden monkey that serves at this season's Immunity Idol. Radul immediately starts mumbling something about "touching his monkey." The losing team gets nothing, and will have to vote someone out tonight. Before James can call Probst any more foul names, they're off!!

Both teams are relatively close through the rope maze and the tire obstacles. At the cache of supplies, Koror makes a wise move and carries only the 150-pound box containing flint with which to make fire. They grab the box and continue racing through the course. Ulong, already falling behind, decides to take EVERYTHING. Jolanda is convinced that carrying 1000-plus pounds of extra luggage will actually INCREASE their chances of catching up to the other team. Apparently, the laws of gravity work different in Palau.

But they don't. Ulong falls further behind as Koror leaps into their canoe and expertly, as a team, paddles out to their flag. Ulong finally makes it to their canoe and heads out into the lagoon. Soon, they realize that the canoe works best if everyone is paddling in the same general direction. Some are paddling forward while others are paddling backward, and their canoe actually stretches three inches!

It's a hopeless cause. Koror returns to the beach with their flag while the Palauan Coast Guard has to hunt down and rescue the Ulong canoe. Koror gets to "touch the monkey," as well as keep their flint. They are also given a choice to return to their old beach and already-built shelter, or head out to a new, unknown beach. For some unknown reason, they opt to try the new beach, find a new water supply, and build a new shelter from scratch. Go figure... Probst hurls a few more insults at the Ulong tribe, and tells them he'll see them at Tribal Council tonight.

As Koror heads to their new home, they prove that their canoe skills need a little work as well. In a replay of "The Poseidon Adventure," a large wave hits and topples the boat, spilling the flint box all the way to the ocean floor. Much moaning and self-pity ensues. They complain that things are now worse than they were before. I am sure Ulong would gladly trade places with them! Lesson here: Never, EVER, take what's behind door Number One. Jeff Probst is no Monty Hall.

Speaking of Ulong, the scheming has begun. Jolanda steps up to say that they can live off of coconuts for 39 days. Can anyone say, "Plantains?" She also begins to lay out union rules for working and taking breaks, including sick leave, vacation days, and "flex-time". She makes it clear that she wants Angie out because... well, come to think of it, she really doesn't make it clear at all. Still, she has Ibrehem and Bobby John on her side.

The others, however, are getting tired of Jolanda already. Several of them meet to discuss if having the human jukebox wouldn't have been better than the human time clock. Angie is very glad that someone else's name is being considered along with hers and readily throws her support their way. In true Louisiana style, she offers to vote at Tribal Council two or three times if it will help!

And with that, it is time for said Tribal Council. This season, it is being held in what appears to be a war bunker, complete with military hardware. Large cannons loom over Probst's head, and Cousin Hassim hopes they will be used on the ousted Survivor. Hassim is such a dreamer!

Probst asks the Ulong tribe if there have been any surprises. Stephenie says she's been starving. Don't even get me started... James says the tribe has a lot of testosterone, especially Jolanda. I would not have thought he knew what that word meant. Probst reminds them that although they're strong, they're stupid, too, and that's why they lost. Jolanda tries without success to explain her "gravity is different in Palau" strategy, while Stephenie rolls her eyes. Jolanda also says the tribe has no leader. The tribe needs a leader. She wants to be the leader. She could be a good leader. She likes being a leader. Did she mention the tribe has no leader? She wants to be the leader. She could be a good leader. However, she doesn't want to appear too eager or bossy. My daughter Azidi begins shouting "TOO LATE!!" at the screen. She is really getting into the swing of things!

Probst, always a master of the obvious, asks Angie if she feels like an outcast. Angie answers, yes, my whole life... It started with my mother in elementary school... Before the CBS psychologist can be called in, Probst has cut off her life story and says it's time to vote.

To no one's surprise, we see Jolanda voting for Angie. We also see Angie voting for Jolanda. We see James writing something; Cousin Radul owes me 50 dinari now that we know James is literate!

Jeff begins to count the votes. After four votes, it's 3 for Angie and 1 for Jolanda. Both of Angie's nose rings begin to quiver. But then, the remainder of the votes all turn out to be for Jolanda, and it's goodbye to the Woman Who Would Be Queen! Probst wastes no time in snuffing Jolanda's torch, then tells the Ulong tribe that they are the biggest losers he has seen since "Survivor: Thailand," and he's not letting them take any fire back home with them. Now begone!!!

All in all, a satisfying end to an interesting episode. Hassim is even now setting fire to another little straw figurine, and it is time to sit down and decide who gets which award for this week. Next week, it looks like Probst lets the rats loose on the Koror Tribe (I told them not to take Door Number 1), Angie does some more moaning about being an outcast, and the search is on for the missing flint. Even now, Wanda is singing "There's A Hole In The Bottom Of The Sea..."

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com