January 12, 2005
Middle East Guide To Survivor: Palau
"Rested, Ready, And Itching"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Can you believe it's almost time for more "Survivor?" It seems like only last week our "Survivor: Vanuatu" celebration ended. Actually, it WAS just a few days ago; our celebration of last season's ending went on for several weeks! There was dancing in the streets, mobs of people, and more utter mayhem than at Yasser Arafat's funeral! But now, with both those events behind us, we can look forward to another crazy season of watching fat, lazy Americans suffer all manner of unpleasantness. Pass the kivi, and we'll see what this season brings! And no better person to bring it to you than yours truly, Honest Achmed, the Red Sea Retailer...
With the official announcement of the new cast of "Survivor" victims, my family is once again in full swing. Yamiin, my second wife, has been up all night for the last week planning newer, larger, and more exotic menus for our weekly gatherings. Allah help my cholesterol!!!
Ismira, my fourth wife, has not been idle during these past weeks. Although the official cast announcement just took place, our local "Survivor" expert has been scouring the Internet searching for "spoilers" of the newest castaways. She has taken some of the winnings from her Internet betting last season and upgraded her Commodore 64 computer to a new wireless laptop with a high-speed broadband connection. She has long ago discovered the names and pictures of all the contestants, as well as discovering the joys of something she calls "Online Halo 2." She has not performed any "wifely duties" in over two weeks!
Cousins Radul and Hassim have re-joined our family after spending two weeks in jail. It seems that at some point during our post-Survivor celebration, the two of them had way too much to drink, and were caught in the town square doing the "Rich and Sue Bump 'n Grind." (It pains me to even write about it...) After becoming sober, they realized in horror what they had done, and both men had to be put on suicide watch for three days! It took a half-year's wages worth of bribes to finally get our cousins released. I suspect they will now be my indentured servants for life...
But I have other joys; my daughter Azidi has finally returned from boarding school in Khartoum! She is Yamiin's child, but looks to Ismira as her role model (for better or worse.) The boarding school requested she take a year off from school; not because her grades had suffered, but because all the other students were going broke! Between Azidi selling them all the Number 2 pencils they could use, and her selling bootleg copies of "Lizzie McGuire" episodes from America, all her fellow students' bank accounts were quickly drained. Like father, like daughter! Anyway, Azidi has never seen "Survivor" before, but she is a quick study.
My family has decided, this season, that we are now the reigning "Survivor" family in the Middle East. As such, we feel expert enough in the "Survivor" field to begin handing out our own weekly awards to the new cast. Ismira will be judging the best strategic move by a player each week. I, on the other hand, will give out the award for the "Dumbest American Mistake" of the week. Cousin Hassim, being the hard-core anarchist he is, will judge which Survivor was the cruelest you-know-what each show. And Cousin Radul, not to be left out, will decide which Survivor was the biggest Diva each episode, based on fashion sense, attitude, and surgical body enhancements.
Well, enough about us; let's look at Palau! In the South Pacific again this time, these beautiful islands were the site of much combat in World War 2. More fruit trees (please, no more plantains!), sandy shores, and wrecked hulks of war-ravaged machinery. Both Cousin Hassim and I are drooling! Hassim hopes there will be challenges involving bazookas and unexploded land mines, and I am thinking of expanding my merchandise lines to include military surplus equipment!
Jeff Probst is back as well; we'll see if he has any more dastardly tricks up his sleeve! And Ismira informs us that there will be TWENTY castaways this time around, and that THREE will go home the first Tribal Council! More changes!!! Well, this insane, deliciously vicious curse we call "Survivor" is upon us once more; let's get started!!!
Angie Jakusz, Age 24
Bartender: New Orleans, Louisiana
Okay, we're starting off strong this season, aren't we? This girl has lived in San Francisco, New York, and New Orleans, three of the strangest cities in the western world. She's another bartender (aren't they getting tired of bartenders?) and has adorned herself with tatoos. Ismira says she's a female "Lex", while Cousin Hassim is strangely intrigued. She likes to heckle; once that gets her kicked off of "Survivor," she can watch the episodes with us!
Ashlee Ashby, Age 22
Student: Easley, South Carolina
A "Practicing Mormom"... What does that mean? She hasn't learned it yet? She is heavy into fitness and Mormonism. Ismira says the last Mormon on "Survivor" did quite well, except for a certain half-sucked candy episode... We'll see if her fitness helps her, or if her religion hurts her. An interesting one to watch!
Bobby Jon Drinkard, Age 27
Waiter/Model: Troy, Alabama
Let's see, where to begin? Fraternity boy, loves going to concerts, Cosmo magazine, model/waiter, lettered in football... He embodies everything we despise about the West!! From his interviews, it is obvious he thinks WAY too much of himself. My family is hoping he is gone before the first episode even premieres!
Caryn Groedel, Age 46
Civil Rights Attorney: Solon, Ohio
Lawyer, and mother of three. Both good qualities for "Survivor." She is still a bit ambiguous to me, though. If the "younger, cuter girls" don't gang up on her, she should last a while. I will withold further comment until I see more of her (Now stop that; you know what I meant, Radul!)
Coby Archa, Age 32
Hairstylist: Athens, Texas
A hairstylist who likes to visit museums? Sounds like the perfect "Survivor" candidate! (Yamiin tells me, once again, to be careful with my biting sarcasm.) Perhaps his tribemates can fool him into believing that Palau is actually a WW2 museum! If not, he will be gone before you can say, "Spritz or no spritz?" Cousin Radul, however, likes Coby for some unexplicable reason. Maybe because they've both spent time in jail...
Gregg Carey, Age 28
Business Consultant: Chicago, Illinois
I shall have to watch Ismira carefully, she already has her eyes set on this new boy-toy. Athlete, adventure racer, mountain climber... they sound like good qualities, but not always "Survivor" qualities. "His strength may be his weakness," is what my Uncle Abbas used to say. Of course, Uncle Abbas was 6-4" and 105 pounds, and was killed by a sumo wrestler while vacationing in Tokyo last year...
Ian Rosenberger, Age 23
Dolphin Trainer: Key Largo, Florida
This man has an unstable look in his eyes that tells me he understands how unpredictable the game of "Survivor" really is. His college career has shown that he can indeed make friends and influence people, better qualities than swimming or mountain climbing when it comes to this game. His outdoor experience should prevent him from being percieved as weak; look for him to go far. Azidi, however, thinks his hair is "dorky."
Ibrehem Rahman, Age 27
Waiter: Birmingham, Alabama
Apart from studying several different things in college and never finishing them, we know little to nothing about this man. He has done some modeling; and of course we all know THAT'S a "Survivor" prerequisite. (I know, Yamiin. I will stop soon.) Because he seems like he can't ever finish anything, Ismira has dubbed him "Osten Jr." Time will tell if he is able to finish this new challenge.
James Miller, Age 33
Steelworker: Mobile, Alabama
Another man who can't seem to finish college. (See the value of a good education, Azidi? If not, you might end up like one of these people!) He wants to be the first redneck to win "Survivor." Obviously, he didn't see the ending of "Survivor: Vanuatu." Sorry, James!!
Janu Tornell, Age 39
Vegas Showgirl: Las Vegas, Nevada
A Las Vegas showgirl? I suspect there is more to this woman than we think. Radul says she is probably the only Survivor to have ever worn a bellydancer outfit and get paid for it. In public, anyway. Does being a professional performer give her an unfair advantage? She was also a former Miss Nevada USA. Hello, Janu? Hugh Heffner calling...
Jeff Wilson, Age 21
Personal Trainer: Ventura, California
Athletic, and... athletic... and... let's see, athletic. Not getting much else here. My Magic 8 ball even says, "Future Unclear." If athleticism is the only thing he has going for him, then he's in big trouble. For some reason, he reminds me of Brook from Vanuatu, and we all know what happened there...
Jennifer Lyon, Age 32
Nanny: Encino, California
Spent some time in Europe, does some photography work as well. Her occupation is listed as "nanny." Somebody tell her she applied for the wrong reality show! Ismira says if Mark Burnett wanted a nanny on the show, Fran Drescher would have been more entertaining. Azidi took one look at Jennifer and said, "The clue meter is reading zero."
Jolanda Jones, Age 39
Lawyer: Houston, Texas
If someone could win "Survivor" from their biography alone, then give this woman the million dollars already! Magna Cum Laudes everywhere you look, a track and field star, almost made the Olympic Team, a corporate lawyer. This woman has overcome hardships and setbacks in her life that will make "Survivor" look like a cakewalk! She has the ability to go far in this game if she can keep her attiture even-tempered.
Jonathon Libby, Age 23
Sales & Marketing: Dallas, Texas
This young man is a survuvor already, having beaten cancer once already in his young life. He teaches self-defense, and is a "master sushi-maker." Well, at least SOMEBODY will know what to do with all those fish that will be caught! In fact, Uncle Abbas was learning sushi-making in Tokyo when the sumo wrestler... never mind.
Katie Gallagher, Age 29
Advertising: Merced, California
Enjoys camping and musical theater. She would have enjoyed my village's production last year of "Schindler's List: The Other Side Of The Story" although it was not a big hit here locally. Ismira says she bears a passing resemblance to someone named "Jenna Lewis," and wonders if this woman has any honeymoon videos. I have no idea what she is talking about.
Kim Mullen, Age 25
Graduate Student: Huber Heights, Ohio
Describes herself as "calculating." She has also heavily studied the Middle East, and speaks Arabic. She will probably tear this column to pieces! Seems very intelligent, but has worked as a model and is blonde, so go figure. It is unclear if she can survive the wilderness aspect of the game; we shall see. Ismira and Yamiin already don't like her.
Stephenie LaGrossa, Age 25
Pharmacutical Sales Rep: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Stephenie plays a lot of lacrosse. (LaGrossa; lacross - Get it? Never mind.) She grew up in a house with four brothers, so she should be tough both mentally and physically. Radul says she has been dating her guy for six years and has a serious fear of committment. Radul can't even commit to the same beard style for two weeks in a row!
Tom Westman, Age 41
NYC Fireman: Sayville, Ney York
A fireman? How about a Survivor who can START a fire for a change? Although only 41, this guy is grey already. This may make him look older and less of a threat that he really is, and could work in his favor. He is the right age for a good mix of physical fitness and maturity. Could be the new "Sarge" of this season (but hopefully, he won't have erotic dreams of his fellow castaways sunbathing nude...)
Wanda Shirk, Age 55
English Teacher: Ulysses, Pennsylvania
Wow! From her photo, I never would have guessed what a go-getter she is! She is involved in so many activities, her town must be closed for business while she's away on "Survivor!" Her experience with unruly foster children should help her greatly in this game (she'll feel right at home...)! Ismira, however, is wondering "why they're letting Lill play for a THIRD time."
Willard Smith, Age 57
Lawyer: Bellevue, Washington
When I first saw Willard's photo, I must admit, I was thinking, "Token old guy." Nothing could be further from the truth. A former Vietnam sniper and postal worker (insert joke here), this guy also is a lawyer. He LOVES to be hated!! Ismira is chanting, "Ru-dy! Ru-dy!" Watch for this guy to make it a long way.
All in all, a very interesting group. Christians, Mormons, Muslims, bartenders, models, lawyers, dancers, and a guy who talks to fish. No one-legged guys or blind people this time, though. My clan is already busy choosing their favorites, and we still have a month to go!! I am sure that we will be discussing, in our own dysfunctional way, what exciting twists and turns await us in this new season. The latest rumor is that all 20 castaways will start the game as one tribe. Hmmm....
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
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