Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 12: "Rumors Of Her Demise Are Not Exaggerated At All"

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

Our man came through!! Despite everyone against him, despite the women out to get him, despite the opposing viewpoints, he held true to his mission and did what he set out to do. Yes, President Bush completed his trip to Canada! And with that diplomatic milestone out of the way, we can once again turn our attention to truly important matters; namely this week's episode of "Survivor: Vanuatu!"

Ismira says we are quickly approaching "end-game!" She tells us this is where the alliances get smaller, and people start thinking about who they want to face if they should make it as far as the final two. Pairs and trios start making themselves apparent, and strategies begin shifting once more. Just when we get used to one thing, the game changes again! You are a cruel game-master, Mark Burnett! Regardless of the twists and turns, Honest Achmed, the Maharajah of Retail, and clan are still here to guide you through to the end!!!

My clan is still rejoicing that Chris managed to stay in the game another week, and may have turned the game around for himself. Cousin Radul danced around the village all day after last week's show, chanting "Ding, dong, the witch is dead," with all the village children following him like the Pied Piper. At one point, Ismira and her protesters joined them for a 400-meter conga line down main street. And my cell-phone camera was in the shop... Cousin Hassim was relieved that he did not have to blow himself up as he had threatened, and was able to eat Pez instead.

I, however, am not convinced that "The Ami Factor" is out of the game yet. This has caused me to be a temporary outcast within my own tribe. Even my beloved wife Yamiin, normally the most conservative member of my clan, thinks I am a "whining sissy-goat." Such language!! I simply fear that like the evil slasher in those "Friday the 13th" movies, Ami will once again rear her head to take back control of the game. There are still five women in this game, and anything can happen! I have watched too many of those movies (before selling the bootleg videos in my shop, of course.) Besides, if she is voted off, sales of the "Ami Dartboard" may plummet...

On a happier front, Cousin Hassim and I have finally selected all the contestants for our upcoming "Survivor: The Sahara." A herculean effort, to be sure, but through sheer determination, we made it through. It was a rigorous half-hour of poring over applications; eventually, we crumpled up all the papers and threw them at the wastebasket across the tent. All the ones that DIDN'T go in were accepted as Survivors!

In standard form, we will have two teams of eight players each. We, of course, cannot release any names yet, but the teams will each have four men and four women, representing a cross-section of Middle East culture. Without further ado...

Tribe "Kessdara" (Goat Dung): The Men: A one-armed camel trader, a cell leader for the PLO, a blind beggar from Beruit, and a poor kid with a brass lamp. The Women: An albino belly dancer, a female reporter for Al-Jazeera, and a pair of Siamese twins (how we'll eliminate just one, we do not know.)

Tribe "Swa-Bakk" (Nasty Water): The Men: A renowned Sultan, a sheep farmer, a Muslim cleric, and an escaped prisoner who wandered through our village. The Women: A professional knife-thrower, an odd landowner with an all-female harem (she is Radul's favorite), an old, toothless woman, and a mysterious, veiled female who refuses to let us see her face or body, or even tell us her name.

If the selection of contestants make or break the game, our show should prove to be a blockbuster!!! Now, I just need to win some of my online "Survivor" bets to earn enough money to pay the grand prize!

Anyway, last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu", the tide finally turned as Ami made a crucial mistake in agreeing to let Eliza be voted off. Word got back to Eliza, and Chris used this to pull the young woman into a new alliance with himself, Scout, and Twila. The look on Ami's face at Tribal Council was priceless!! Will Ami bounce back with a vengeance, or will the trend continue and allow Cousin Radul to show us his new victory dance he has dubbed "Turbo-Mooning"? All of our new Survivor contestants are watching from their tents and taking notes; let's get started!!!

It is immediately after Tribal Council, and the world cannot wait to see Ami's reaction to the sudden turn of events. She does NOT disappoint. In her typical mode, she "congratulates" Scout and Twila on their playing of the game. And Yamiin thinks MY comments are dripping with sarcasm! Twila basically tells her where to put her comments, as she stokes the fire and secretly contemplates the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's charred remains in the morning, will I get disqualified?

Ami does not find it amusing that Twila swore on her son's manhood, then lied. Apparently, she did not read the part of the contract where it said, "Outwit, Outplay, Outlast." She claims to be very loving and giving. She certainly was giving it out around the campfire to anyone who would listen!

Chris is still riding high from the fortuitous shift in power, and is thoroughly enjoying watching the women peck at each other. He is realizing that being the last man standing may have its perks, after all. He thinks the new Survivor slogan should be "Outwit, Outplay, Out Ami."

Finally, color again returns to our world as the sun rises on Day 31. Twila is getting Tree Mail, a jug filled with liquid and little things floating in it. I am thinking this is Vanuatu tequila, but it is merely a clue to the next challenge. Proving that she is indeed semi-literate, she reads the accompanying note to the others. It taunts them with vague promises of food and a shower, two things these lazy Americans desperately need. Eliza, desperate for more nourishment, shows off her grotesque skeletal framing, proving again how much weight she has lost and that her fake... well, you know where this is going.

At the challenge waterfront, we see that Probst has assembled our favorite assortment of floating torture devices once again. Radul has been counting; this is the SIXTH time we have seen these outrigger canoes! Before we can begin to fathom their purpose, Probst arrives on the beach in a brand-new car. Granted, it's American-made, but looks serviceable nonetheless. The winner will get this car as a reward.

But wait, there's more... (Sounds like one of Honest Omar's sales pitches) The first, second, and third place finishers in the upcoming race will all get to spend the night on one of the islands of Vanuatu! The Survivors are not impressed until Probst tells them they will be staying INDOORS and will be eating at the endless buffet. Much cheering and whoop-whoop commences.

The Survivors must race across the balance beams from raft to raft (sorry, Chris) then jump into the water to retrieve a flag. The flag must be brought back across the balance beams (sorry, Chris) to the beach. The first 3 players to do this three times (triply sorry, Chris) will win the reward. Survivors Ready? (or not) GO!!!

Scout immediately asks if she can just sit this one out. Probst kicks her sorry rear end into the water, saying, "At least pretend to try, Grandma Moses!" The others are already halfway to their first flag. Ami, Chris, and Eliza get out to an early lead. Scout is still testing the water temperature with her big toe. Now Ami and Eliza are leading, with Chris and Julie tied for third place. Scout begins dog-paddling to the first raft as the others are on their second and third flags.

Ami is in the lead until the collective will of the television viewing audience starts causing her to slip and fall into the water. She climbs back time after time, but mysteriously keeps falling in again. And Yamiin thinks psychic power is just a hoax! Eliza moves into the lead as Ami falls under water again. The viewing audience's concentration must have broken then, because Ami's head eventually pops up above the surface. Eliza races to the beach to win the challenge, and Ami comes in second.

Chris and Julie are fighting for third place, but are losing steam rapidly. Both fall repeatedly as they stumble wearily toward the shoreline. Scout finally climbs onto the first raft. Twila has drowned somewhere and is out of the game. Chris finally edges Julie out to be the third winner of the competition! Ismira heaves a sigh of relief; she says she is glad Chris is going on the trip to protect Eliza from Ami's mind control powers. I think for a moment and decide she is correct. I hope he is bringing his Kryptonite!

Probst sends the winners on their way, and Eliza is thinking Ewww!! Not these nasty, wet people in my new car!! Ami immediately calls shotgun, and the three drive off. Chris is wishing he HAD a shotgun and is secretly contemplating the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's bullet-riddled body in the morning, would I get disqualified?

As he daydreams, Eliza drives them to their bungalow for the evening. How she knows the way, or why she is driving with no license, we are not told. Once there, they find only one king-sized bed. Radul is excited at the thought of the sleeping arrangements this suggests. The Survivors immediately strip and don big, fluffy, decadent bathrobes while room service tries to clean and take the permanent stench out of their old clothing. They all shower and wash their hair, with the women of course leaving poor Chris no hot water. He was, after all, THIRD place. Ami says she feels human again. Note to Ami: No; you are still the Demon-Witch of Vanuatu; never forget that!

As Chris takes his cold shower, Ami apologizes to Eliza for getting "caught up in Scout and Twila's hatred." Translation: "I'm the good guy and they're the bad guys even though I tried to vote you out last time and THEY saved you." Right, my family didn't understand it either. Eliza tries to counter this argument with logic, but then her eyes begin to glaze over as the "Ami Factor" begins to take effect. I am thinking my family is going to owe me a huge apology after tonight!

Chris arrives, and the trio boozes and snacks as they are treated to an impromptu concert by the "Vanuatu Banjo Mamacitas" performing their Top 40 hit, "Vanuatu Banjo Mamacitas." Chris and Ami admit it was better than the horrible rendition of "Funkytown" they heard several days ago.

Back at the camp, the losers are moaning and complaining. Scout is frustrated that most of the challenges actually require you to DO something, and she's not very good at that. She would have been much better at, say, "Wife Swap" or something. They wonder what the winners are doing, and Twila realizes what all the world has already figured out... Ami is probably trying to work her magic on Eliza.

Sure enough, the winners are enjoying dinner as Ami tries to convince the others to break up Scout and Twila. She complains that they're a worse couple than Nick and Jessica; and this simply should not stand. Chris asks Eliza who she'd rather compete against; Ami, who can win more challenges than Colby Donaldson, or two old ladies? To no one's surprise, Eliza doesn't know the answer to this question. Undaunted, Chris tells us that he's counting on Eliza's "mental strength." My tent erupts in laughter.

When the laughter and accompanying tears finally settle down, we see that the women have forced Chris to sleep on the sofa while they share the master bed. Cousin Radul is drooling. Lying in bed, Ami weaves more of her spell on Eliza, telling her about all the times she's saved her, "but if you just want to leave me by the roadside here at the end to die like a poor beggar while you care for nothing but yourself and that filthy, stinking money, I'll certainly understand, honey..." Sounds just like Ismira's mother!!

The losing Survivors awaken the next morning to find the winning Survivors meandering back into camp. Realizing that the winners smell like Tide and Snuggle fabric softener, much hugging and smelling ensues. I am embarrassed for them as they jump in circles and sniff each other like dogs.

Continuing the "I'm pretty and clean and you're not" theme, Eliza and Ami set up a beauty shop while the others continue with their camp chores. Scout is not happy with this new business endeavor, and shows it. Ami, meanwhile, is using her sweet, sarcastic voice to talk continuous trash about Scout, and now for some reason, can't figure out why Scout doesn't like her. She claims Scout poured Cayenne pepper in her underwear, or some such thing. It must have been leftover from the stuff they won in a Reward Challenge once.

Chris is, of course, enjoying any trash talk that's not aimed at HIS wastebasket, but realizes that Ami must go before she can regroup and cause any more trouble. I am certain this is foreshadowing, and I will be enjoying the last laugh in my tent tonight. Scout, meanwhile, is picking up large tree branches and secretly contemplating the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's crushed and bloody skull in the morning, will I be disqualified?

A new day; a new delivery of Tree Mail. The clue mentions having the "right touch" to win this challenge. What, a massage game? Cousin Radul is certain it will be a "master of one's domain" challenge, but Yamiin boxes his ears and he is silent for several minutes. Whatever the upcoming challenge is, Chris wants to win it. He desperately wants to beat the women at SOMETHING to restore his manly ego. Hey, at least he's the most macho guy left in the game, right?

As the contestants approach the location of the Immunity Challenge, it seems that even Scout has a chance of competing in this one. A huge map of the Vanuatu Islands has been turned into a shuffleboard table, and each player is given 5 cookies to slide around the board. If your cookie lands on an island, you score a point. If your cookie lands in a volcano... that's even better; you can't be knocked out by someone else's cookie. So you WANT your cookies in the volcano... Allah, I am getting confused! Cousin Hassim, of course, is disappointed that they are not REAL volcanoes.

The first few attempts are laughable misses as the Survivors try to figure out how to slide their cookies. Then, in an amazing display of billiards skill (or dumb luck), Julie banks her cookie off the side rail into the center pocket; er, volcano. Soon, Twila also scores a volcano hit. Yay, Twila! Everyone else's cookies stop in the middle of the South Pacific, and Julie is up by another point. Scout claims her cookie actually stopped on Gilligan's Island and wants a point, but Probst tells her that's ANOTHER reality show.

Chris finally works out all the coefficient of friction equations in his head, and his cookies start hitting islands. Soon, he has two points. Eliza succeeds in a preventive move; she knocks her cookie OFF an island and prevents herself from winning. Chris scores another hit; he is up to three. With nothing to lose, Eliza throws her last cookie at the other Survivors as they duck for cover.

Ami has the last cookie. Will she try to score a point, or try to knock someone off? She aims, throws, and... knocks someone off!! Unfortunately, it is HERSELF, and Chris wins his first Individual Immunity. In celebration, he throws his hands in the air and "waves them like he just doesn't care." At least that's the way Ismira described it. My tent is cheering as we know Chris will be around for another week.

Back at camp, Chris is finally glad to have beaten the women at SOMETHING, even if it was, as Hassim describes it, "a girly-challenge." Ami, on the other hand, is mad at herself for losing said girly-challenge. She vows to buy back the Immunity necklace when it goes up for sale on E-Bay.

Eliza is talking to Twila. She is worried that Twila and Scout won't take her to the Final Four. Twila offers to swear on Ami's manhood this time, but Eliza is still not convinced. Ami has been playing mind games on her, and she is confused. All the guilt and pressure, and her numb little mind is overloaded. What to do; what to do?

Chris tells us that he is concerned about the upcoming vote being a tie. He has been told in the event of a tie, the Survivors will draw stones, or throw stones, or maybe pass stones, he is not exactly sure. He IS pretty sure that Eliza is too smart to risk her fate to a rock. Again, my tent erupts in laughter.

Eliza is confused. Now, who would've seen THAT coming? She doesn't want to vote her friends off; yet she fails to remember that these "friends" both wrote HER name down at the last Tribal Council! Such is the power of the "Ami Factor," but is it beginning to wane? Ami seems genuinely worried about tonight's vote.

At Tribal Council, Leanne has joined Sarge and Chad on the jury, and does NOT looked pleased about it. Probst jumps right it, gleefully reminding Ami how she was sucker-punched last time with the vote. He degrades Scout for claiming to want woman power, but only when it suits her plans. Scout apologizes; she actually thought Chris WAS a woman because of his ponytail. The old eyes just aren't what they used to be, doggone it!

Ami is still very bitter about Twila's lie. Excuse me, has Ami never watched "Survivor" before? Twila defends herself, saying Ami was duped; now get over it! My tent once again begins cheering. Ami laughs and rolls her eyes sarcastically. Probst is secretely contemplating the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's dead body tomorrow with my torch-snuffer sticking out of her back, would I lose my job?

Eliza begins a monologue about how backstabbing hurts. She has felt bad every time she has backstabbed someone, at virtually every Tribal Council, so she should know! Leanne almost comes off the bench to take her down. Ami says she loves Eliza and would miss her if she were gone. Okay, everybody, all together... THEN WHY DID YOU VOTE TO KICK HER OUT LAST TIME?!! Eliza and Ami cry for each other and exchange "I love you, man!" while Chris rolls his eyes and Twila wonders just how sharp the machete back at camp is...

Allah be praised, it is finally time to vote. Twila votes for Ami, calling her a drama queen. Enough said. Ami votes for Scout, saying Scout has an evil side she doesn't like. Hello, kettle? Pot calling... Scout votes for Ami, saying she wishes Ami would climb a mountain and get struck by lightning. Fair enough...

Jeff reads the votes, even though the only one we really want to know is Eliza's. And the vote is... 4-2, Ami is going home!! The ensuing cheers from my village can be heard all the way to the southern tip of the Sinai Peninsula. Eliza made the smart move and avoided a tie! Probst sends the Survivors back to camp, pointing out the obvious; tensions are running high. Actually, not so much anymore!

Next week, Twila is still mad about the whole "swearing on her son's manhood" thing, and is venting. Eliza picks up the gauntlet, and the two of them are going at it while Chris is happily giggling like Cousin Hassim at a terrorist arms bazaar. Well, I am afraid the party in my village will last well into the night; Cousin Radul is already "Turbo-Mooning" and I cannot bear to watch...

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com