December 09, 2004
Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 13 & Finale: "Good-bye, Farewell, Amen, And Good Riddance"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
The end is near... The players are pushing past all normal boundaries, pushing themselves past their normal limits, enduring all hardships. The desire to win the game is so strong, they will stop at nothing, performing all manner of nastiness to improve their chances of victory. But enough of the Major League steroid scandal; let's get to important matters! Namely, this blissful addiction my clan calls "Survivor: Vanuatu!"
It's hard to believe we have been following this desert island soap opera for thirteen event-filled weeks! We have learned so much, but still have so much to understand. Nonetheless; I, Honest Achmed, Prince of Profit Margins, and the rest of my extended family are here to laugh, cry, and make obscene guestures at the screen along with the rest of the television viewing audience. Let the festivities begin!!
Ismira revealed some shocking news to my family this week. With five players remaining in the game, we assumed there would be at least four more episodes to savor. Ismira says that next week, however, three players will be eliminated and it will be the final episode! My entire village erupted in horror; pandemonium in the streets, cats sleeping with dogs, utter chaos! I have not seen this much panic since Honest Omar's camel had diarrhea in the village water well!!
I, however, was ready. I have been recording DVDs of every "Survivor" episode this season, and have been keeping them hidden in my shop. Miraculously, I unveiled them just in time for the frenzied rush for Survivor merchandise. The demand was incredible!! And because they were recorded on DVDs, people were forced to all buy DVD players. By a remarkable coincidence, I also had a new shipment of DVD players ready for sale as well! Profit-wise, this has been a very good week for Honest Achmed.
Once the mass hysteria finally subsided, life began to get back to normal. In the tradition of many Survivor websites around the world, my family decided to have a "roundtable" discussion. The topic: Who will be the final two players to face the jury? We could not actually find a round table, so we all simply sat on a large rug surrounding a hookah pipe. Needless to say, the discussion was quite animated.
I am of the opinion that the final two will be Chris and Twila. I admit, my methods are not scientific; Chris is a man, and I just like Twila. Ismira has done extensive research on dyads and tryads and floating singletons and power players and WOE alliances (whatever those are) and claims that Eliza and Chris will be the last two standing. She has 47 sheets of computer printout to back up her findings. Ismira needs a day job...
Cousin Radul has selected Scout and Julie. Not because of any great strategy, but he desires to see the two of them share the last night alone together. Apparently, he still wants to see Scout "hook up" something. Cousin Hassim does not believe there will be a "final two." He is convinced that Probst will have them all executed at the final three and declare himself the game's sole survivor. Hassim!!! You've spilled the beans about our special "Survivor: The Sahara" twist!!!"
The discussion turned ugly when Radul blew hookah smoke down Ismira's blouse, and she pulled off Radul's turban and towel-snapped him with it. Radul screamed, and before I could react, the two of them were rolling around on the floor with Hassim jumping up and down shouting "Catfight! Catfight!" The pair eventually rolled out of the tent into the street in front of the whole village with the children cheering them on. I was so embarrassed!! After a black eye and two loose teeth (all Radul's, thankfully), we managed to separate them and now they sit at opposite sides of the tent.
On to better things... Last week on "Survivor," Chris continued his streak of success by both winning immunity and protecting Eliza from Ami's mysterious mind control power. Ami tried to weave her spell on Eliza, but to no avail. Eliza voted with Chris, Scout and Twila, and the Demon-Witch was dispatched to the jury. Can Chris do it again? Will the pressures finally force someone to crack? Will we see Julie's buttocks one last time? Ismira and Radul are glaring at each other; let's get started!!!
Of course, we start out by the campfire at night after the tribe has just voted off Ami. Although my tent is still celebrating, things are not quite as celebratory at Alinta. My beloved Twila is showing her deliciously darker side as she begins a tirade about how everyone should just lay off her about the whole swearing on her son thing. Such anger!! Such hostility!! Such a temper!! Allah, I am getting more excited by the minute!
Julie, realizing she is potentially the next tribe member to take the dreaded Walk of Death, sees this as a definite blunder on Twila's part, and vows to use it against her. How she plans on doing this, we are not told. I suspect Julie does not know either, but it certainly sounded like a cool thing to say.
The sun arises to find Eliza and Julie partaking in some strange, new tribal ritual... oh, wait, they are WORKING!! They whisper catty, psychoanalytical remarks about Twila as she stumbles and grumps around camp, still upset about the previous night's events. Chris is also worried about Twila. Anger flareups like this are not good this late in the game, especially from the woman who still wields the machete. Cue "Theme From Psycho..."
Julie decides the time is right to put plan "One Last Chance" into operation. She talks with Eliza about the possibility of voting off Twila because she is so hated. Eliza agrees with her, but won't make a move unless Julie clears it with Chris first. Julie says she will talk with Chris. My, how the tables have turned!!
At this point, Ismira begins shaking her head. She says anybody with half a brain should WANT to take Twila to the Final Two with them; she is so hated that she would be easy to beat. I can see her reasoning, even though I don't hate Twila at all. Unfortunately, neither Julie nor Eliza can see this logic. However, I am thinking that Chris CAN, and I look forward to winning the roundtable discussion.
Suddenly, we are at the next Reward Challenge! I check the television, but it has not skipped; things are progressing quickly this episode! As soon as she sees the obstacle course Probst has laid out, Ismira says this is the "Second Chances" Challenge. I call it the "Recycled" Challenge... Probst tells them that the winner will travel to the rim of the volcano Mount Yasur with a companion and throw them in... well, we can dream, can't we? Actually, the two companions will enjoy roasted hot dogs and beer instead of seared human flesh. Better luck next time, Hassim!
Elements from previous challenges have been put together for one final, tortuous course. Probst informs the Survivors that the course will be run in stages, with the last place finisher in each stage sitting out. First will be crawling through the mud (we know Scout will be out first), followed by pig-catching (we know Eliza will be out next), then puzzle-building (we know Twila will follow), then a balance beam (so long, Chris) and finally shooting at tiles (where's Rory when you need him?) By process of elimination, we already know that Julie will win this competition. Probst shouts "GO!" and we wait to see if our predictions are correct.
The players hit the mud. Sure enough, Scout finishes last. No surprise there. On to the pigs. Chris, Twila, and Julie all grab a pig before Eliza can say, "Ewwwww!!!" So far, so good. The tiki puzzles are next. Chris is about to finish first when he forgets a piece and can't figure out why his tiki doesn't look right. He steps up on the missing piece to get a better look, and still can't figure it out. I am embarrassed for him. Twila and Julie pass him, and he is out. The two women race across the balance beam and begin shooting at tiles. Julie begins channelling the spirit of dearly departed Rory and blasts away the tiles to win the challenge!!
Probst, of course, tells her to pick someone to travel with. With no hesitation, she chooses Chris, and we all know why. No Radul, she is not "hot for his bod!" She wants to plead her case to stay in the game. Shortly thereafter, we see the pair all cleaned up and walking across a mud flat near the base of the volcano. We did NOT see how they island-hopped across seventy-odd islands to reach the volcano; I suspect there was public transportation involved.
There, they meet "Joe." While he is not as studly as "Dah," he will be their guide as they climb on three horses and make their way up the side of the volcano. Joe guides them across a waterfall and stream in an effort to spook their horses and provide hilarious camera footage. Chris's horse almost falls for it, but eventually makes it across the stream. Ismira giggles as she watches Chris, and begins reminiscing about an old friend named "Sean," who was also scared of horses. I don't remember this person; he must be from another village.
Chris and Julie ooh and aah as they gaze out at the vast wasteland of mud around the volcano. These Americans are easy to please; they would LOVE the Sahara! Near the top of the volcano, they miraculously find a hut that has withstood the erupting volcano. What good fortune! And what a coincidence; it is stocked with hot dogs and beer! Turns out, this is Joe's own "love shack" that Probst has rented for the night. Joe instructs them on the best way to cook dinner by sticking their weiners into a steaming hole for several minutes. Cousin Radul is giggling uncontrollably.
Apparently not getting the joke, Chris and Julie eat hotdogs until they almost throw up. In between mouthfuls, Julie asks Chris where they stand. Hello, he says, on the edge of the volcano... Duh... That's not what she meant. He tells her he feels close with her, and she trusts him. Privately, he tells us that EVERYONE trusts him, and he cackles maniacally. A true harem master!!
Back at camp, things are not so hunky-dory. Eliza needs food, because she has lost weight and... yada yada, you know the rest. Twila has buried the last of the plantains for the next "Survivor" group to dig up as a treasure, and says Eliza can't have them. Eliza stomps around as Scout and Twila make fun of her. They take turns calling each other immature (now that's mature) when in reality, Twila has simply forgotten where the plantains are. Somebody slipped "Kava" into the Home Cafe coffee maker!
Meanwhile, back at the volcano... Joe has taken Julie and Chris to the rim of the eruption. Cousin Hassim is itching for a new, macabre twist to be revealed, but they simply sit down and watch the volcano erupt and churn. As they watch in awe, the Survivors realize their hot dog-filled stomachs are feeling the same way. Chris excuses himself to go to the "Little Boy's Volcano." All in all, it beats Cousin Hassim's proposed reward trip for our show (being dragged into the desert to watch the sand dunes.)
After spending the night at Joe's love shack, Chris and Julie return to the Alinta camp. They realize that the true reward was not having to listen to anymore Vanuatu music like previous trips. Chris is greeted with much hugging as he enters the camp, further confirming that being the last man standing has its advantages. In hushed tones, he assures Twila and Scout that the plan is still on. What he FAILS to tell them is that the plan is "I'll vote all of you off until I win."
Eliza finally gets her turn to talk to Chris, and Chris attempts to soothe her by hinting that he might be willing to join with her and Julie to kick off the two older women. Eliza is giddy as she contemplates the thought of Twila finally leaving, even though Chris gets dibs on the machete.
All the women seem to be looking to Chris for their salvation, and Chris is well aware of the situation. His saving grace is that the women are too caught up in their hatred of one another to think about teaming up on HIM. He states again that they all trust HIM. More maniacal laughing ensues. He will wait and see how the next immunity challenge falls before he decides whose throat he will slice.
As if it were a prophetic statement, it is immediately time for the Immunity Challenge. The Survivors find Probst sitting among a series of small huts. What foul deviousness has he concocted this time? Well, campers, it's time for a scary story!! Probst will drone on and on about Vanuatu culture, kings, betrayals, murder, and Richard Hatch until the Survivors are all asleep. Then they will be forced to answer a series of questions about something Probst may or may not have said. The twist: The questions are hidden in the various huts. Another twist: The questions are puzzles that have to be assembled first. Another twist: Scout has to run between the huts. Tough break, grandma!
Probst begins the story, and sure enough, I drift off. When I awaken, the Survivors are running and hobbling (guess who?) between the huts, frantically putting puzzles together and pulling boar tusks out of bags. Eliza moves out to an early lead, with Chris and Julie not far behind. Eliza is still in the lead. Scout gets a question wrong. Twila has disappeared. Chris gets another question right. Eliza still has a narrow lead. It's fourth down and goal to go. Scout is now wandering aimlessly between the huts. Julie races in with another correct answer. Twila is still missing. Chris shoots from the top of the key; he scores. Eliza and Julie are now tied; could it be overtime? Julie has to wait at a hut until the "occupied" light goes off... there's Twila! The shot clock is running out... Eliza finishes and wins!! The crowd goes wild!!! Not really, but Probst does give her the Immunity necklace.
At camp after the challenge, Eliza is very happy. For only the second time this game, she doesn't have to pack her bag before Tribal Council!! She is also happy that Chris is firmly on their side. Sure, she sees him hugging with Scout and Twila, but that's just to throw them off. He's REALLY on her side.
Twila and Scout are also happy that Chris is firmly on their side. Sure, they see him hugging with Eliza and Julie, but that's just to throw them off. He's REALLY on their side. Hello, new eyeglass prescriptions all around!!
Catfight skirmishes, reminiscent of Ismira and Radul, are erupting all over camp. Chris is doing his best to stay out of the battle, but is having a hard time. He has escalated his defense position to "Orange Alert," which at this point simply means, "Promise everything to everybody and hope that after they've been voted out, they'll think you're a good player." He promises Julie that he won't vote her out tonight. Immediately thereafter, he promises Twila he won't vote HER out either. Eliza has Immunity; so he will be voting for either himself or Scout tonight. Unless... he's... dare we say it... LYING!!!!!!!! (Cue timpani boom-boom)
Twila tells us that she doesn't entirely trust Chris. People have committed murder for less than a million dollars. Heck, Cousin Hassim knows people who would do it for a loaf of bread and a box of Tic-Tacs!!
And now here we are at Tribal Council. How do the Survivors get there, anyway? Do they swim? Oh, still the unanswered questions; the world may never know... Probst introduces the jury (in case anybody forgot) and newcomer Ami is still smiling sarcastically. I am beginning to think her expression is the result of plastic surgery gone awry.
Probst asks Twila if anybody here does NOT deserve to win. Before Twila can answer, Eliza jumps up and says, "Me!! I don't deserve to win!! Me!! Me!!" Eliza then goes on to say that everyone left deserves to win, even though she hates all their guts and wishes they would all die and rot in the jungle. First: Not a good way to make potential jury friends, Eliza. Second: Does this woman EVER shut up?
Julie comments that she knows who she can trust, without a doubt. She knows that people, really, really care about her. Unseen by her, Chris is making little stabbing motions at her back. Either that, or he is trying to untie her bikini top for one last peep show. For his part, Chris says he's in a tough spot, but has to play the game. Even Radul can see which way THIS is going to go down. With that, it's time to vote.
Scout votes for Julie, mumbling something about watching "Roots" when she gets home. Eliza votes for Twila, saying she's wanted to do this for a long time, except when Twila was saving HER skin. Chris's vote is unseen, but he says again that he has to play the game. Ismira says he would be a fool to vote out Twila, and I agree with her.
Probst reads the votes: Julie, Twila (Eliza smiles), Julie, Twila... drum roll please... Julie is going home. Eliza's jaw drops and for much too short of a time, she is speechless. Julie has that dazed "I drank too much Kava" look. Before long, Probst has snuffed her and she is gone.
Wow! Only four are left! As the crowd begins to disperse from my tent, I tell everyone that we will see them again next Friday morning, but Ismira corrects me. The finale will be MONDAY morning, Middle East time! We must begin making party preparations immediately! My weekly column to the world will have to wait; I must help Yamiin make 37 more pounds of her Buffalo Lamb in just three days!! I send Radul to my shop to quickly make hundreds of copies of this week's recorded DVD for the villagers to buy. Hassim quickly exits to make final collections for "Honest Achmed's Pay-Per-View"; there are still several unpaid subscribers whose legs he still has to break.
We almost didn't make it in time; but three days later, the tent is once again full. Radul has brought a box of tissues in case we are sad to see this series end. I am still looking forward to seeing my Final Two prediction come true; I say it will be Chris and Twila. Ismira has selected Chris and Eliza. Radul and Hassim are out of the running, when Julie got voted off and the remaining Survivors did not meet with cruel, unspeakable deaths. Who will win the million dollars and the title of "Sole Survivor?" More importantly, will Ismira (the supposed "Survivor" expert) or Yours Truly correctly predict the ending? This is the moment we've all been waiting for: Let's get started (again)!!!
It seems too soon, but here we are again, at night by the fire, listening to yet another Survivor moan and complain. Yes, it's Eliza again, lamenting the fact that sometimes you just can't trust people. She would never make it in my village, let alone my tent!
Eliza is sad to see Julie gone, but Chris isn't. He realizes what most of these folks don't: To outwit someone, often they have to be fed false information. Goodness, how much money does the American government spend on the very same thing? More than the Gross National Product of my country! But I digress; I shall step down from my pistachio box now...
Twila is not having any of Eliza's complaining. She tells Eliza that she is worthless and not worthy of being in the Final Four. For some time that night, the two women debate the strategic merits of shouting incoherently at one another until Twila goes to bed with the machete under her pillow. After Twila is asleep, Chris talks with Eliza about their Final Two agreement.
I did not realize until this moment that Chris is slightly waving his hand, employing the age-old Jedi Mind Trick (hereafter known as the JMT) to convince her that the baloney he is feeding her is the absolute truth. This explains a lot, although Ismira refuses to believe it. I wave my hand at her, but she insists that I "talk to hers." I have much to learn about women!! Anyway, Chris waves his hand again and says, "Have faith, young padawan." Eliza says, "Yes, Master."
The next day, Eliza is still harboring ill feelings, and can't believe who the Final Four are. She still hates Scout and Twila, and knows she needs to win Immunity to stay in the game. This huge leap of deductive reasoning leaves her drained, and she must rest for several hours. If she can't win, she hopes Chris will. Alas, poor Eliza, we knew you well (too well)...
Whenever someone starts talking about needing Immunity, we all know what's coming next!! The Survivors meet the diabolical Probst for the next challenge to discover that they will be scaling the recently discovered Great Wall of Vanuatu. Scout immediately begins muttering all sorts of American Indian epithets. Hidden throughout this vertical rat's maze are 10 sets of large Scrabble tiles. Get all ten, one at a time, and use the letters to form a two-word answer to win the game. Get extra points if you use a "Z", build any word on a double letter or triple word score, or if your letters cover the center square. Before the Survivors can say, "Huh?", Probst has waved his arms and they're off!!
Everyone scrambles, hobbles, or otherwise pulls themselves into the maze. Twila proves just how tough she is by pulling out to an early lead. All that weight loss is finally paying off! Chris is running a close second. Eliza is wandering around the maze lost until she realizes she's not searching for CHEESE. And Scout... well, let's just not go there, shall we?
Eliza stays in the game by deciding to follow Twila, but is still behind. Chris has meanwhile pulled into a slight lead. Players are crawling over each other like a giant ant farm, while Scout has decided to give up on the game and simply be a human obstacle to increase the difficulty for the other players. Eliza is having trouble seeing any more pairs to go after, but Chris and Twila have already collected their pieces and are assembling their puzzles.
Chris makes sure that he has ALL his pieces this time and eventually forms the words "FINAL THREE." Probst says sorry, it was FINE LATHER, as in, "You need a shave." Chris waves his hand (JMT) and Probst declares him the winner anyway. Chris begins jumping around in a gaudy display of "rubbing it in your face" that Ismira compares to someone named "Sheeanne."
Back at camp, Chris is quickly getting used to wearing the less-than-fashionable wardrobe accessory around his neck. When his competition is down to Scout, Twila, and Eliza, he can finally feel like a man! He wastes no time in giving a group hug to Scout and Twila, assuring them of the Final Three. Twila is excited at the thought of a night without Eliza. (Aren't we all?) Chris encourages her to be really rude and catty to Eliza. I am becoming skilled enough to realize he is setting her up to be the perfect hated Final Two partner. I will win the roundtable! I will win the roundtable! Twila realizes what he's up to, but figures, what the heck; sounds like fun!
Always covering every angle, Chris next talks to Eliza (JMT), making sure everything's still okay. Eliza KNOWS she can trust Chris completely. Yeah, sister, so did Julie! I would try shouting advice to her, but I am hoping she will be voted out, so I keep my mouth shut. I just wish Eliza would, too.
Eliza tries talking to Scout about the possibility of voting out Twila. Scout is noncommittal. Eliza misinterprets this for unbridaled enthusiasm, and thinks that things are going her way. This is almost too painful to watch... Chris, however, is still keeping his options open.
The Survivors once again find themselves at Tribal Council. It seems like just yesterday... Hey, it WAS just yesterday!! Oh, well; the jury is already on its way in; can't stop now. Julie looks clean, fresh, and fully clothed for a change, although she is glaring at Chris. Go figure.
Probst starts in immediately on Chris, asking why he wasn't voted out first because he screwed up so bad on the balance beam. The women say it wasn't their fault, blame the stupid men. Jeff goes on to rub salt in the wounds between Eliza and Twila, reminding them in case they'd forgotten, how much they hate each other. He wants to see a catfight right now, but the women don't oblige. Oh well, there's always Julie after the show...
They spend a few minutes discussing paranoia, with nobody wanting to admit they're paranoid because the others might be listening and watching and use it as a reason to vote them out. Eliza admits to having a bond with Chris. Poor Eliza. Poor, poor, foolish, naive, trusting, about to have her throat slit Eliza. Twila is beginning to have regrets about swearing on her son, because simply murdering Leanne, Ami, and Julie would've been a whole lot simpler. Chris admits to having ties with all three women, but also admits he has to play the game to win. Eliza still doesn't get it.
Probst, realizing that it's time to put Eliza out of her misery, says it's time to vote. We see Eliza voting for Twila, muttering something about having cockroaches in her refrigerator. Remind me never to eat at Eliza's house. Twila votes for Eliza, telling her to "grow up." My tent begins cheering.
Probst reads the votes, and Eliza still thinks she has a chance. After the votes are read, though, it's 3-1 and her balloon goes Pppphhhhhhhhbbbbbbtttttttt!!!!!! She turns to give Chris the meanest look she can muster; it's not much, but at least she tried. Ami would have actually burned holes in his shirt. Finally, she gets up and her torch is snuffed, never taking her eyes off Chris. Chris, in a move that will go down in our village's memory, makes a face at her and waves bye-bye. Chris is now officially Cousin Hassim's new hero!
Chris, Scout, and Twila head back to camp, to sleep under the quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet stars. Meanwhile, the jury will never forgive them for sending Eliza to live at Loser Lodge.
Day 38 dawns; only two more days left to this game! Radul has already used most of his box of tissue. We see Probst himself walking along the beach to the Alinta camp for the first time to check out the inhumane living conditions. Or possibly to see if he can make things even worse, we can only hope. He congratulates them on making it this far, but reminds them they're not done yet. Cousin Hassim is still hoping for an execution, but I suspect that Probst has something more spiteful and devious in mind. He has not disappointed me yet!
Probst asks them if they remember the story he told them a couple of days ago. Not really, they slept through most of it, remember? Anyway, across the water from the camp is where the Vanuatu king is buried, on the island that looks like a hat. Chris thinks it looks like the chocolate cake that made Sarge so sick. Probst says paddle over there and find the torches of all the Survivors you have eliminated. Oh goody, a scavenger hunt! Then visit the king's grave and bring him something valuable. Unfortunately, the only valuable thing these folks have is their sanity, and they lost that several days ago.
Nonetheless, they board a waiting canoe and slowly paddle their way across to the chocolate cake island. They cross the island on foot, visiting the torch of each Survivor in the order they were snuffed. Along the way, they make fun of each Survivor as we hear a voice-over of each contestant whining one last time about why they were voted out. As they approach Ami's torch, they celebrate by dancing around it like a maypole until the producers force them to move on.
At the king's resting place (No, not Graceland), the three present their gifts of gold, frankencense, and myrrh. Wait, wrong story. And those were WISE men. These Survivors have brought a rock and two sticks to lay on the king's grave. It's the long-missing sacred stone from Episode 1, and the chief sticks that Mr. T gave to them! I am wondering if they have cleared this with the CBS props department. Ismira, upon seeing the stone, begins weeping again for Brady, and wonders if she has enough money to buy the sacred stone when it is sold on e-Bay.
Next, they reach the far side of the island to finally discover what Probst has in store for them. Three bows await them for a last test of will and endurance. After four hours of paddling, and three more hours of trudging across the rocky island, we will now test your arms and legs! Note to self: Respect for Probst; up 27 points! The contestants must hold the bow in the pulled-back position while balancing on two stumps. Chris winces at the thought of more balancing. Twila asks if shooting the bow and arrow at the other players is allowed. Come on, Probst, it would only be a flesh wound!
The game begins. Scout goes through the formality of actually pulling back her bowstring, but is soon out of the game. Chris and Twila are both beginning to feel muscle cramps, but are both too stubborn to quit. An hour goes by... Rigor mortis is setting in... Chris asks Scout if she still dreams of Twila; Scout says yes, but this is a family show... More time goes by... Chris and Twila still don't totally trust each other... Chris finally decides enough is enough, and uses the Force to nudge Twila, causing her to lose her balance and let go of the bow. Chris wins the final immunity of the game!! He celebrates by throwing Julie's hat into the ocean.
To further inflict pain, Probst forces them to paddle themselves back to camp! (Respect: Up 13 more points.) Once there, Chris must decide who to send home. He consults his psychic advisor, Scout, and asks if she has forseen a Final Two of Scout and Twila. Scout says they had no Final Two agreement; that will be $9.95 a minute, thank you. Chris realizes that Twila has been telling him the truth, and is amazed that not everyone is lying. Welcome to Survivor!
At Tribal Council, Eliza has now joined the jury, and still can't stop glaring at Chris. I think she has a crush on him. Probst starts the evening by making them relive the pain of the Immunity Challenge. Scout says she's happy with third place. Translation: If I make it to the final two, no one would ever vote for me. Twila says she isn't finished yet. Translation: If I make it to the final two, no one would ever vote for me, but who gives a &^%$#. Chris says he likes both women, but likes himself more, and has to do what's best for HIM. No argument there! Probst sends him off to vote.
After Jeff returns from "tallying the vote", Chris has made his choice; Scout is going home to no one's surprise. They hug and for the first time in 32 years, Scout kisses a man. Ami is repulsed, and almost throws up on the other jury members. Probst sends Chris and Twila home with a dire warning; your fate is now in the jury's hands. Meanwhile, I have won the roundtable discussion, and am taking my victory lap around the tent!!!
Ahh... The final day. No more game playing. No more worrying. No more... plantains! Chris is happy as he prepares his final meal of the tropical fruit. He vows to never, EVER try the South Beach Diet. As they eat, both remaining players are worried that they've made the others mad. This never occurred to them as they lied, backstabbed, and threatened the other players with bodily harm.
Chris encourages Twila to be totally crass and unapologetic at the upcoming Tribal Council. Privately, he tells us that he intends to do some serious buttocks-smooching. We'll see if his strategy works. Before they leave the camp for the last time, they try to both sit on the hammock. It breaks, and they both need medical attention. Thank goodness there are no more physical challenges! While resting, they reminisce about how wonderful it was; all the starvation, the arguing, the fights, the hurt feelings, the shattered friendships, the injuries. Ah, the memories... They eventually limp away from camp, leaving behind a plethora of Survivor memorabilia for auction on e-Bay.
At the final Tribal Council, the jury looks ready for blood. Probst tells Chris and Twila, prepare to be grilled. Chris is thinking he would rather stick his weiner into a steaming hole again than face this. They will each give an opening statement, endure verbal abuse by disgruntled sore losers, then each make a closing statement. Then, we vote, and we can get back to civilization, okay?
Chris and Twila's opening statements are remarkably similar; I lied and treated you like dirt; please vote for me. Then it's the jury's turn to inflict mental pain and anguish. Each juror gets a question, and it goes something like this...
Eliza: Twila and Chris are both lying you-know-whats. I want an apology! Twila: Bite me. Chris: Mumbles fake apology.
Julie: Chris, you made me cry! Boo Hoo! Twila: Bite me. Chris: Mumbles fake apology.
Leanne: Twila, why did you betray me? Chris, why vote for you? Twila: You betrayed me first. Bite me. Chris: I worked hard. Would you like a fake apology, too?
Ami: What do you have that I don't have? Twila: I'm colder and harder than you, and I like men. Now bite me. Chris: I'm so sorry for what I did... Wait, what was the question?
Chad: What has this game changed about you? Twila: I have learned that I have to watch my mouth. And, oh yeah, bite me. Chris: I am sitting here because I'm bad (giggle) and you're good (giggle).
Sarge: I hate you, Twila; you're scum, but you still get my vote. Twila: Thanks, Sarge. I appreciate the vote. Now bite me. Chris: Can I hang out at the base with you and watch NASCAR?
Scout: Twila, you're stupid but honest. Chris, you're full of manure. Twila and Chris Together: Bite Me!
In her closing, Twila tries to apologize for her actions. She even tries to cry for good effect, but can't quite produce a tear. Chris uses his time to admit he's full of manure, and goes on to spread it even thicker by heaping on the fake apologies. I see his hand waving slightly, and it looks like the jury is buying it!
They vote. Sarge actually votes for Chris, and says he was just yanking his chain. Scout votes for Twila, saying she loves her. Not going there... Eliza votes for Chris, saying she hates him less than she hates Twila. Ami votes for Twila, saying even though you're an idiot, you spoke the truth. Interesting...
Probst collects the voting urn, and has one last surprise for the tired Survivors. They will have to wait three months to hear the results!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! He steals the urn, and before Twila can hurl the machete at him, he is off into the jungle.
He quickly reaches a waiting plane, and three months later is parachuting out over the California desert. He lands near a waiting motorcycle (what a coincidence!) and rides into Los Angeles. Avoiding security, he pulls up to the CBS studio entrance and heads in. There is a live studio audience present. The Survivors are already waiting there for him as well, having regained their weight and thankfully, having changed clothes.
He greets them, and wastes no time reading the votes. First vote: Chris. Much cheering. Second vote: Chris. More cheering. Third vote: Twila. Cheering from the other side of the studio. Fourth vote: Twila. More cheering from the other side. Fifth vote: Chris. Cheering from the first side again. Sixth vote: Chris wins!!!! The audience erupts, and the Los Angeles police have to be called in to control the rioting and looting. Chris begins taking his own victory lap around the studio as Survivor's newest millionaire...
Well, it certainly has been an interesting season, full of highs and lows, especially for Chris. My clan and village have learned a lot about American culture from this experience. We thank all our faithful readers for a great season, and ask you to drop us a line between seasons. Tell us what you would like us to discuss in the future!
We look forward to next season, in the islands of Palau. There is supposed to be a long World War Two history in the region, which makes Cousin Hassim extremely happy. From the previews, I can see a lot of salvageable military hardware. I must plan a trip! Meanwhile, Ismira is busy logging on to e-Bay to bid on Brady's underwear...
Until next season, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades (and sacred stones) coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com
December 03, 2004
Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 12: "Rumors Of Her Demise Are Not Exaggerated At All"
by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!
Our man came through!! Despite everyone against him, despite the women out to get him, despite the opposing viewpoints, he held true to his mission and did what he set out to do. Yes, President Bush completed his trip to Canada! And with that diplomatic milestone out of the way, we can once again turn our attention to truly important matters; namely this week's episode of "Survivor: Vanuatu!"
Ismira says we are quickly approaching "end-game!" She tells us this is where the alliances get smaller, and people start thinking about who they want to face if they should make it as far as the final two. Pairs and trios start making themselves apparent, and strategies begin shifting once more. Just when we get used to one thing, the game changes again! You are a cruel game-master, Mark Burnett! Regardless of the twists and turns, Honest Achmed, the Maharajah of Retail, and clan are still here to guide you through to the end!!!
My clan is still rejoicing that Chris managed to stay in the game another week, and may have turned the game around for himself. Cousin Radul danced around the village all day after last week's show, chanting "Ding, dong, the witch is dead," with all the village children following him like the Pied Piper. At one point, Ismira and her protesters joined them for a 400-meter conga line down main street. And my cell-phone camera was in the shop... Cousin Hassim was relieved that he did not have to blow himself up as he had threatened, and was able to eat Pez instead.
I, however, am not convinced that "The Ami Factor" is out of the game yet. This has caused me to be a temporary outcast within my own tribe. Even my beloved wife Yamiin, normally the most conservative member of my clan, thinks I am a "whining sissy-goat." Such language!! I simply fear that like the evil slasher in those "Friday the 13th" movies, Ami will once again rear her head to take back control of the game. There are still five women in this game, and anything can happen! I have watched too many of those movies (before selling the bootleg videos in my shop, of course.) Besides, if she is voted off, sales of the "Ami Dartboard" may plummet...
On a happier front, Cousin Hassim and I have finally selected all the contestants for our upcoming "Survivor: The Sahara." A herculean effort, to be sure, but through sheer determination, we made it through. It was a rigorous half-hour of poring over applications; eventually, we crumpled up all the papers and threw them at the wastebasket across the tent. All the ones that DIDN'T go in were accepted as Survivors!
In standard form, we will have two teams of eight players each. We, of course, cannot release any names yet, but the teams will each have four men and four women, representing a cross-section of Middle East culture. Without further ado...
Tribe "Kessdara" (Goat Dung): The Men: A one-armed camel trader, a cell leader for the PLO, a blind beggar from Beruit, and a poor kid with a brass lamp. The Women: An albino belly dancer, a female reporter for Al-Jazeera, and a pair of Siamese twins (how we'll eliminate just one, we do not know.)
Tribe "Swa-Bakk" (Nasty Water): The Men: A renowned Sultan, a sheep farmer, a Muslim cleric, and an escaped prisoner who wandered through our village. The Women: A professional knife-thrower, an odd landowner with an all-female harem (she is Radul's favorite), an old, toothless woman, and a mysterious, veiled female who refuses to let us see her face or body, or even tell us her name.
If the selection of contestants make or break the game, our show should prove to be a blockbuster!!! Now, I just need to win some of my online "Survivor" bets to earn enough money to pay the grand prize!
Anyway, last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu", the tide finally turned as Ami made a crucial mistake in agreeing to let Eliza be voted off. Word got back to Eliza, and Chris used this to pull the young woman into a new alliance with himself, Scout, and Twila. The look on Ami's face at Tribal Council was priceless!! Will Ami bounce back with a vengeance, or will the trend continue and allow Cousin Radul to show us his new victory dance he has dubbed "Turbo-Mooning"? All of our new Survivor contestants are watching from their tents and taking notes; let's get started!!!
It is immediately after Tribal Council, and the world cannot wait to see Ami's reaction to the sudden turn of events. She does NOT disappoint. In her typical mode, she "congratulates" Scout and Twila on their playing of the game. And Yamiin thinks MY comments are dripping with sarcasm! Twila basically tells her where to put her comments, as she stokes the fire and secretly contemplates the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's charred remains in the morning, will I get disqualified?
Ami does not find it amusing that Twila swore on her son's manhood, then lied. Apparently, she did not read the part of the contract where it said, "Outwit, Outplay, Outlast." She claims to be very loving and giving. She certainly was giving it out around the campfire to anyone who would listen!
Chris is still riding high from the fortuitous shift in power, and is thoroughly enjoying watching the women peck at each other. He is realizing that being the last man standing may have its perks, after all. He thinks the new Survivor slogan should be "Outwit, Outplay, Out Ami."
Finally, color again returns to our world as the sun rises on Day 31. Twila is getting Tree Mail, a jug filled with liquid and little things floating in it. I am thinking this is Vanuatu tequila, but it is merely a clue to the next challenge. Proving that she is indeed semi-literate, she reads the accompanying note to the others. It taunts them with vague promises of food and a shower, two things these lazy Americans desperately need. Eliza, desperate for more nourishment, shows off her grotesque skeletal framing, proving again how much weight she has lost and that her fake... well, you know where this is going.
At the challenge waterfront, we see that Probst has assembled our favorite assortment of floating torture devices once again. Radul has been counting; this is the SIXTH time we have seen these outrigger canoes! Before we can begin to fathom their purpose, Probst arrives on the beach in a brand-new car. Granted, it's American-made, but looks serviceable nonetheless. The winner will get this car as a reward.
But wait, there's more... (Sounds like one of Honest Omar's sales pitches) The first, second, and third place finishers in the upcoming race will all get to spend the night on one of the islands of Vanuatu! The Survivors are not impressed until Probst tells them they will be staying INDOORS and will be eating at the endless buffet. Much cheering and whoop-whoop commences.
The Survivors must race across the balance beams from raft to raft (sorry, Chris) then jump into the water to retrieve a flag. The flag must be brought back across the balance beams (sorry, Chris) to the beach. The first 3 players to do this three times (triply sorry, Chris) will win the reward. Survivors Ready? (or not) GO!!!
Scout immediately asks if she can just sit this one out. Probst kicks her sorry rear end into the water, saying, "At least pretend to try, Grandma Moses!" The others are already halfway to their first flag. Ami, Chris, and Eliza get out to an early lead. Scout is still testing the water temperature with her big toe. Now Ami and Eliza are leading, with Chris and Julie tied for third place. Scout begins dog-paddling to the first raft as the others are on their second and third flags.
Ami is in the lead until the collective will of the television viewing audience starts causing her to slip and fall into the water. She climbs back time after time, but mysteriously keeps falling in again. And Yamiin thinks psychic power is just a hoax! Eliza moves into the lead as Ami falls under water again. The viewing audience's concentration must have broken then, because Ami's head eventually pops up above the surface. Eliza races to the beach to win the challenge, and Ami comes in second.
Chris and Julie are fighting for third place, but are losing steam rapidly. Both fall repeatedly as they stumble wearily toward the shoreline. Scout finally climbs onto the first raft. Twila has drowned somewhere and is out of the game. Chris finally edges Julie out to be the third winner of the competition! Ismira heaves a sigh of relief; she says she is glad Chris is going on the trip to protect Eliza from Ami's mind control powers. I think for a moment and decide she is correct. I hope he is bringing his Kryptonite!
Probst sends the winners on their way, and Eliza is thinking Ewww!! Not these nasty, wet people in my new car!! Ami immediately calls shotgun, and the three drive off. Chris is wishing he HAD a shotgun and is secretly contemplating the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's bullet-riddled body in the morning, would I get disqualified?
As he daydreams, Eliza drives them to their bungalow for the evening. How she knows the way, or why she is driving with no license, we are not told. Once there, they find only one king-sized bed. Radul is excited at the thought of the sleeping arrangements this suggests. The Survivors immediately strip and don big, fluffy, decadent bathrobes while room service tries to clean and take the permanent stench out of their old clothing. They all shower and wash their hair, with the women of course leaving poor Chris no hot water. He was, after all, THIRD place. Ami says she feels human again. Note to Ami: No; you are still the Demon-Witch of Vanuatu; never forget that!
As Chris takes his cold shower, Ami apologizes to Eliza for getting "caught up in Scout and Twila's hatred." Translation: "I'm the good guy and they're the bad guys even though I tried to vote you out last time and THEY saved you." Right, my family didn't understand it either. Eliza tries to counter this argument with logic, but then her eyes begin to glaze over as the "Ami Factor" begins to take effect. I am thinking my family is going to owe me a huge apology after tonight!
Chris arrives, and the trio boozes and snacks as they are treated to an impromptu concert by the "Vanuatu Banjo Mamacitas" performing their Top 40 hit, "Vanuatu Banjo Mamacitas." Chris and Ami admit it was better than the horrible rendition of "Funkytown" they heard several days ago.
Back at the camp, the losers are moaning and complaining. Scout is frustrated that most of the challenges actually require you to DO something, and she's not very good at that. She would have been much better at, say, "Wife Swap" or something. They wonder what the winners are doing, and Twila realizes what all the world has already figured out... Ami is probably trying to work her magic on Eliza.
Sure enough, the winners are enjoying dinner as Ami tries to convince the others to break up Scout and Twila. She complains that they're a worse couple than Nick and Jessica; and this simply should not stand. Chris asks Eliza who she'd rather compete against; Ami, who can win more challenges than Colby Donaldson, or two old ladies? To no one's surprise, Eliza doesn't know the answer to this question. Undaunted, Chris tells us that he's counting on Eliza's "mental strength." My tent erupts in laughter.
When the laughter and accompanying tears finally settle down, we see that the women have forced Chris to sleep on the sofa while they share the master bed. Cousin Radul is drooling. Lying in bed, Ami weaves more of her spell on Eliza, telling her about all the times she's saved her, "but if you just want to leave me by the roadside here at the end to die like a poor beggar while you care for nothing but yourself and that filthy, stinking money, I'll certainly understand, honey..." Sounds just like Ismira's mother!!
The losing Survivors awaken the next morning to find the winning Survivors meandering back into camp. Realizing that the winners smell like Tide and Snuggle fabric softener, much hugging and smelling ensues. I am embarrassed for them as they jump in circles and sniff each other like dogs.
Continuing the "I'm pretty and clean and you're not" theme, Eliza and Ami set up a beauty shop while the others continue with their camp chores. Scout is not happy with this new business endeavor, and shows it. Ami, meanwhile, is using her sweet, sarcastic voice to talk continuous trash about Scout, and now for some reason, can't figure out why Scout doesn't like her. She claims Scout poured Cayenne pepper in her underwear, or some such thing. It must have been leftover from the stuff they won in a Reward Challenge once.
Chris is, of course, enjoying any trash talk that's not aimed at HIS wastebasket, but realizes that Ami must go before she can regroup and cause any more trouble. I am certain this is foreshadowing, and I will be enjoying the last laugh in my tent tonight. Scout, meanwhile, is picking up large tree branches and secretly contemplating the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's crushed and bloody skull in the morning, will I be disqualified?
A new day; a new delivery of Tree Mail. The clue mentions having the "right touch" to win this challenge. What, a massage game? Cousin Radul is certain it will be a "master of one's domain" challenge, but Yamiin boxes his ears and he is silent for several minutes. Whatever the upcoming challenge is, Chris wants to win it. He desperately wants to beat the women at SOMETHING to restore his manly ego. Hey, at least he's the most macho guy left in the game, right?
As the contestants approach the location of the Immunity Challenge, it seems that even Scout has a chance of competing in this one. A huge map of the Vanuatu Islands has been turned into a shuffleboard table, and each player is given 5 cookies to slide around the board. If your cookie lands on an island, you score a point. If your cookie lands in a volcano... that's even better; you can't be knocked out by someone else's cookie. So you WANT your cookies in the volcano... Allah, I am getting confused! Cousin Hassim, of course, is disappointed that they are not REAL volcanoes.
The first few attempts are laughable misses as the Survivors try to figure out how to slide their cookies. Then, in an amazing display of billiards skill (or dumb luck), Julie banks her cookie off the side rail into the center pocket; er, volcano. Soon, Twila also scores a volcano hit. Yay, Twila! Everyone else's cookies stop in the middle of the South Pacific, and Julie is up by another point. Scout claims her cookie actually stopped on Gilligan's Island and wants a point, but Probst tells her that's ANOTHER reality show.
Chris finally works out all the coefficient of friction equations in his head, and his cookies start hitting islands. Soon, he has two points. Eliza succeeds in a preventive move; she knocks her cookie OFF an island and prevents herself from winning. Chris scores another hit; he is up to three. With nothing to lose, Eliza throws her last cookie at the other Survivors as they duck for cover.
Ami has the last cookie. Will she try to score a point, or try to knock someone off? She aims, throws, and... knocks someone off!! Unfortunately, it is HERSELF, and Chris wins his first Individual Immunity. In celebration, he throws his hands in the air and "waves them like he just doesn't care." At least that's the way Ismira described it. My tent is cheering as we know Chris will be around for another week.
Back at camp, Chris is finally glad to have beaten the women at SOMETHING, even if it was, as Hassim describes it, "a girly-challenge." Ami, on the other hand, is mad at herself for losing said girly-challenge. She vows to buy back the Immunity necklace when it goes up for sale on E-Bay.
Eliza is talking to Twila. She is worried that Twila and Scout won't take her to the Final Four. Twila offers to swear on Ami's manhood this time, but Eliza is still not convinced. Ami has been playing mind games on her, and she is confused. All the guilt and pressure, and her numb little mind is overloaded. What to do; what to do?
Chris tells us that he is concerned about the upcoming vote being a tie. He has been told in the event of a tie, the Survivors will draw stones, or throw stones, or maybe pass stones, he is not exactly sure. He IS pretty sure that Eliza is too smart to risk her fate to a rock. Again, my tent erupts in laughter.
Eliza is confused. Now, who would've seen THAT coming? She doesn't want to vote her friends off; yet she fails to remember that these "friends" both wrote HER name down at the last Tribal Council! Such is the power of the "Ami Factor," but is it beginning to wane? Ami seems genuinely worried about tonight's vote.
At Tribal Council, Leanne has joined Sarge and Chad on the jury, and does NOT looked pleased about it. Probst jumps right it, gleefully reminding Ami how she was sucker-punched last time with the vote. He degrades Scout for claiming to want woman power, but only when it suits her plans. Scout apologizes; she actually thought Chris WAS a woman because of his ponytail. The old eyes just aren't what they used to be, doggone it!
Ami is still very bitter about Twila's lie. Excuse me, has Ami never watched "Survivor" before? Twila defends herself, saying Ami was duped; now get over it! My tent once again begins cheering. Ami laughs and rolls her eyes sarcastically. Probst is secretely contemplating the thought: If the CBS producers find Ami's dead body tomorrow with my torch-snuffer sticking out of her back, would I lose my job?
Eliza begins a monologue about how backstabbing hurts. She has felt bad every time she has backstabbed someone, at virtually every Tribal Council, so she should know! Leanne almost comes off the bench to take her down. Ami says she loves Eliza and would miss her if she were gone. Okay, everybody, all together... THEN WHY DID YOU VOTE TO KICK HER OUT LAST TIME?!! Eliza and Ami cry for each other and exchange "I love you, man!" while Chris rolls his eyes and Twila wonders just how sharp the machete back at camp is...
Allah be praised, it is finally time to vote. Twila votes for Ami, calling her a drama queen. Enough said. Ami votes for Scout, saying Scout has an evil side she doesn't like. Hello, kettle? Pot calling... Scout votes for Ami, saying she wishes Ami would climb a mountain and get struck by lightning. Fair enough...
Jeff reads the votes, even though the only one we really want to know is Eliza's. And the vote is... 4-2, Ami is going home!! The ensuing cheers from my village can be heard all the way to the southern tip of the Sinai Peninsula. Eliza made the smart move and avoided a tie! Probst sends the Survivors back to camp, pointing out the obvious; tensions are running high. Actually, not so much anymore!
Next week, Twila is still mad about the whole "swearing on her son's manhood" thing, and is venting. Eliza picks up the gauntlet, and the two of them are going at it while Chris is happily giggling like Cousin Hassim at a terrorist arms bazaar. Well, I am afraid the party in my village will last well into the night; Cousin Radul is already "Turbo-Mooning" and I cannot bear to watch...
Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...
Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands
For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com