Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 8: Birds Of A Feather (aka "Women Loving Women")

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

Ah, what was our life like before "Survivor?" Who can remember back to the days of quiet life around our village, when the women cooked and went to the well for water? The days when Cousin Radul spent his time shaving his sheep to look like French poodles... Unfortunately, those days are gone forever. Now, we backstab, plot, scheme, and lie to each other all the time. But wait, the American presidential race is over...

Once again, my tent is filled and we are ready for another intoxicating episode of this Darwinian game show called "Survivor: Vanuatu." I, Honest Achmed, Mercantile Master of the Mideast, and my family are rested and ready to explain the way the game SHOULD be played; with skill, cunning, and a fair amount of pepper seasoning!

It has been a busy week around my village. Cousin Hassim and I have spent the week scouting locations for our upcoming production of "Survivor: The Sahara." We have been searching for the perfect spot for tribal campsites. I found two seperate places where a picturesque oasis would provide shelter and water for our contestants. Hassim prefers the location he has selected; a rocky crag next to the Great Scorpion Pit of Harad-Rym. Old Uncle Amin once camped there; he left camp to use the bathroom, and was never heard from again! Hassim says it would add "interest" to the living conditions. Interest, and potential lawsuits.

We eventually agreed on a compromise. One tribe will get the oasis, and one tribe will get the scorpion pit. Whoever said that "Survivor: The Sahara" was going to be fair? Our game will start with its own bizarre twist; we will name our tribes "Kessdara" (meaning "goat dung") and "Swa-Bakk" (meaning "nasty water"). Now we simply need to find someone to write witty, insightful recaps and commentary!

There is also good news for my shop in the village. My competitor, Honest Omar, was cutting into my "Survivor" merchandise business with his own line of products. Last week, however, he was arrested by the tribal elders for selling copies of the American magazine "Playboy" featuring pictures of several of the Survivor women posing nude. Honest Omar was dragged through the streets of the village tied to a horse, then thrown into the local jailhouse while the tribal elders decide which part of his body is to be cut off for this offense. The elders collected all the offensive material and were preparing to burn it, but now, all the magazines have turned up "missing." Very interesting...

On a more personal note... I have decided that the time is right; I have learned so much about this game of "Survivor," that Ismira and I are sending in our applications for the next round! Now I know that only American citizens are eligible for Mark Burnett's game show, but Cousin Hassim has handled this for us; we now have perfectly forged American citizenship papers and passports! Ismira is listed as "Gloria Dombrowski" from New Jersey, and I am listed as a used car salesman named "Brian" from Quartz Hill, California. Ismira says my chances should be very good. Cousin Radul will help us begin working on our videotapes soon; that should prove very interesting!

Well, last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu," Yasur finally began winning challenges again, and Rory especially saved himself by being the ultimate stud in the Immunity Challenge. Ami, not being impressed with studly men in general, is still wanting to get rid of him in order to keep the women together. On the losing Lopevi side of things, dearly departed Little John made a series of mistakes, including sleeping too much around camp, targeting the wrong person at the wrong time, and trusting Chris. This resulted in him taking the dreaded Walk of Death. This week looks to be interesting, with Ismira mumbling about a "merge" and more nudity for us to endure. I am desperately praying for my HDTV to malfunction again; let's get started!

Oh, no; back to the eerie pseudo-reality of night vision as Lopevi is back at camp after voting off Little John. Julie is glad that it was not her that was voted off, and decides that the "put out or be voted out" strategy is working for her. She spends the evening snuggled by the fire, between Sarge's legs, further adding to his already expressed erotic fantasies. Chad looks on with a puzzled expression, either disgusted at Julie's blatant tactics or wondering if Sarge's fantasies include any extra people.

The next day dawns as a continuation of the previous night's fraternity/sorority party. Sarge and the rest of the guys are engaged in typical male locker room talk about Julie's desperate ploys. They compare her to Ginger on "Gilligan's Island," except for the whole movie-star thing and the dresses, and the perfect make up.... but I digress. Let's see, that would make Sarge the Skipper; the Skipper and Ginger always had a thing, didn't they? I must ask Ismira to dig out the old DVD collection!

"TV Land" references aside, Twila admits that Julie is using sex appeal to stay in the game. Twila says she would use it too, if she could just remember that many years ago. She tries her hand at it anyway, and the next scene shows us Sarge in the middle of a Lopevi sandwich. He, Twila, and Julie have all pulled their pants down. Allah help us, the sickness is spreading! Julie comments that Sarge's buttocks are so white that the glare is getting the attention of passing airplanes. Now THAT'S a strategy the Skipper never used to get off the island!!

Chris and Chad happen upon this decadent display of American flesh, and are appropriately revolted and appalled. Like a couple of good Arab children, they begin throwing rocks at the target of Sarge's big, white butt. They are hoping he will awaken from this fantasy and realize he's still sitting around the campfire on Day 12, staring at Julie. For her part, Julie admits she's doing whatever it takes to stay in the game. Cousin Radul says he cannot wait to see her on Day 37!!

We are shown the Yasur camp, finally, and I can again open my eyes without worry. Rory is fed up with the laziness of the young women. All they do is sit around and drink coffee. Granted, so does he, but that's different. Doggone it, these are WOMEN, so they should be cooking and stuff. The only one acting like a true woman is Scout. How's that for irony...

He also thinks Eliza is stupid. I am wondering how it took him this long to figure it out. He says she can't even boil water. That's an old joke, I know, but he really said it, honest! He hates Ami really, really, really bad and wants her out of the game. Or maybe executed in a bizarre fashion. For once, my entire clan agrees with Rory; I will have to fax him Cousin Hassim's cell phone number.

Before Rory can concoct his dastardly plan, it is time for the Reward Challenge. Once again, the opposing tribe is startled to discover who was voted out the previous night. Scout claims to have seen the ghost of Twila going through the gates of Graceland, down to the Jungle Room. It was either a bizarre dream, or the result of the hemp they recently found in the forest. Either way, she is ecstatic to see Twila still among the living. Sarge says, "Hands off, New Age freak. Twila's mine; all mine." Twila shuffles her feet, looking either coy or really ticked off.

Before this love triangle can develop into a full Isosceles, Probst reminds them that they are here for a reward. No, Scout, a reward other than seeing Twila. It will be a water bucket relay, involving tossing the entire bucket from team member to member, then throwing just the water. The goal, as impossible as it sounds, is to eventually get enough water to the top of a tower to fill a bucket and set off a torch. The winners will get milk, cookies, and a huge chocolate cake. Anticipating a sugar rush that would send a sumo wrestler into a coma, the teams charge into the challenge.

It is as comical as I imagined it would be. Both teams begin tossing water around like it was... well, water. Splashing and screaming are the order of business. Hassim is waiting for someone to get beaned with a metal can, but to his dismay, it never happens.

Gradually, Lopevi learns the proper way to toss the water buckets; that would be with the bottom of the bucket facing DOWN. They slowly take the lead as they get a rhythm established. Yasur, on the other hand, has made the critical mistake of putting Ami right before Rory. Ami spends her entire time throwing buckets of water AT Rory, not TO him. Rory squeezes more water out of his buff, shirt, shorts, shoes, underwear, and beard than he ever catches in a bucket. Unfortunately, his shorts can't hold enough water, and Lopevi wins the challenge easily. Probst orders the losers back to camp hungry while Lopevi gets to indulge in abject culinary sinfulness.

The next morning, Lopevi is having "chocolate cake for breakfast." Ismira is now walking around the tent, bobbing her head like Bill Cosby. Maybe, next time, they will win Jello pudding. The sugar has gotten to Sarge, who is sick from the excess. We are mercifully spared the disgusting details of exactly what happened to him during the night, but Ismira says she can find out on "Survivor: Insider." I didn't realize she knew someone in the organization. Maybe that will give our applications an advantage!

They remark about how odd Scout's comments about Twila were at the challenge. Keep in mind that the men have never actually LIVED around this 5 foot tall Yoda before. Twila simply wishes that Scout would have just "shut her cakehole."

In what in retrospect will seem like an idiotic series of conversations, Chad and Chris discuss their alliance, and how they are certain that Twila and Julie are solidly on their side. Apparently, nudity DOES cloud the American male thinking patterns. Chris, in the midst of trying to offend Chad with a bad "one leg" joke, offers him a Final Two alliance. Chad accepts, but Chris later inform us that he has made the same offer to Sarge and to Julie. Ismira is nudging me, saying, "Way to go, BRIAN." I have no idea what she is talking about.

And now it's time for the Immunity Challenge. As the teams arrive, Rory gives the Immunity tiki-stick-thing back to Probst, who notices it has been broken. Rory is informed that any replacement costs will be taken out of his winnings (before taxes.) Probst throws it away and gets the necklace that Little John wore several episodes ago as a replacement. He tells them to drop their buffs, and for a startled moment I am expecting multiple nudity. Thankfully, he is giving them new orange buffs to replace their old, stinky ones because they are now "merging".

Ismira explains to us that this means the two tribes are now becoming one, and that it opens an entirely new phase of the competition. And just when I was getting the hang of things! Cousin Hassim is frustrated at this turn of events; especially since Honest Omar has no more camels he can shoot. Ismira runs to her computer to quickly order orange buffs from CBS.com. When they each return, I explain to them that the contestants have chosen the Lopevi beach to live because it has a better fire area, a better beach area and doesn't have as many "girl cooties."

They will now compete in this challenge as individuals. The goal is to swim out to a tower, climb it, walk a plank, grab a flag, jump back into the water, and bring the flag back to shore. The first person with three flags wins, and there will be no Olympic comittee judging their dives into the water. The Survivors are relieved.

The first heat has Sarge easily outracing everyone to capture his three flags. Chris, who surprisingly handles the balance beams, is narrowly beaten by Eliza, of all people. The second heat features Rory the water machine and Ami advancing to the final round. In the final round, Rory's coffee boost is no match for Sarge's sugar rush as Sarge easily outswims him to win the Immunity necklace. Ami and Eliza never really stood a chance, and my clan actualy forgot they were in the race.

When the "merged" tribe reaches the old Lopevi beach, I am dismayed by what they find. Probst has shown his weakness and has give them a buffet of food, snacks, and wine, when they did NOTHING to deserve it! The Survivors do not share my indignation; they whoop and holler just as if the New Orleans Saints had won the Superbowl (Dream on, I know.) They immediately dig in, and Sarge slips into his usual goofy celebratory mood. He dances when he finds Yasur's coffee maker. I am wondering to myself; if the sugary cake made him sick, what will high-octane cappuchinos do to his digestive tract?

Rory is also feeling good. He is as glad to be among the men as Scout is to be among the women. He wastes no time doing what he had just promised the women he wouldn't do; going straight to the men to reform his old alliance. He immediately starts blasting Ami (and rightfully so) and explaining how she needs to be the next one to go. Rory explains he tried sunbathing in the nude, also, but it had no effect on Ami. This assault on his machismo must not be tolerated!

Rory tells Chad and Chris he will gladly be the sixth member in the "Lopevi 5." Kind of messes up the name, doesn't it? In what will again, in retrospect, seem like an idiotic conversation, Chad and Chris agree that Julie and Twila are solidly in their alliance.

The new tribe now has the new name, "Alinta", meaning "People of Fire," or "People Who Bring Fire," or perhaps "People Who Got Fired," I am not quite sure. It certainly doesn't have the same ring as "Goat Dung." Ismira likes their new flag, showing a mountainous volcano rising out of the water. I looked closely, and could see that Scout had painted little flailing arms sticking out of the volcano's rim. Cousin Hassim was pleased. The women celebrate the new tribe by plucking each other's eyebrows and administering erotic body art with the leftover paint.

Ami is hugging and kissing on all the women, and Sarge thinks it's just because she wants them back on her team. Poor, innocent Sarge. He does suspect, however, that she has some supernatural hold over all the women. Sure enough, Twila approaches the men and says they want Rory gone first. Slapping his head in frustration, Chad tries to explain the concept of "alliance" to Twila. He has no luck, so Chris tries talking to her, highway worker to highway worker. Still, no luck.

Ami is busy overseeing all the rest of the Stepford Wives in her tribe, and simply wants all the guys gone; she doesn't really care in which order. She really needs time with a therapist; better make it a FEMALE one. The men, especially Sarge, finally begin to realize what a threat she is.

Sarge tries to talk some sense into Twila, and she finally seems to come around to their way of thinking. She tells them that she will vote their way, but privately tells us she and Julie are in the middle, and she honestly doesn't know which way they'll swing. To her credit, she does not tell anyone else of their indecision. Lesson learned from Dolly!!!

In what, still again, in retrospect will prove to be an idiotic conversation, Chris tells us privately he feels good that Twila and Julie will stay strong in their alliance.

The Alinta tribe now heads to Tribal Council. Ismira says from now on, everyone must go to Tribal Council every time. I am, how do you Americans say... "bummed." This is very discouraging. No more celebrating back at camp while your vanquished adversaries have to sacrifice one of their own! Oh well, I guess I will survive.

Probst starts with the standard questions; "How was the merge?" and "Why did you waste all our expensive paint on tattoos and Klingon makeup?" and "Are you guys FINALLY gonna vote Rory off tonight?" Rory says he feels like he has a second chance starting tonight, and Ami chuckles menacingly. Ami says she has an excellent attitude in every situation. Weather stations from around the world report that Hell has, indeed, frozen over.

Twila eventually admits she's in a tough spot, having been on both tribes. Probst, interestingly enough, does NOT ask Rory the same question. Probst asks Sarge if he wants to give the necklace to anyone else, and he replies, "No way; not even if they win it!" Sarge looks as if he's going to beat up Probst for even suggesting it, so Jeff tells them it's time to vote.

We see two votes; Leanne voting for Rory while she mumbles something about the "master plan," and Rory voting, of course, for Ami. He has several kind words for her, including "a personal vote," "you treated me bad," and "you remind me of jock itch."

Unfortunately, there is no glory for Rory tonight. When the votes are read, there are 4 for Ami, and 6 for Rory. Twila and Julie have re-teamed with the women and have fallen under Ami's spell!! Chris and Chad are stunned; Chad simply sits with his mouth open, wondering if he has any clean underwear. Rory takes the dreaded Walk of Death, and I am left wondering if my beloved Twila has made the right decision, or a decision that will spell her doom.

Next week, the effects of this Tribal Council are being felt at the Alinta camp. Sarge has taken over Rory's spot as head complainer, and the women are having a love-fest. Cousin Radul can hardly wait!!! Also, a pig visits the camp, and there is some debate whether it should be used for companionship or nutrition. Throw them all into the Great Scorpion Pit!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com