Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 9: Sighs, Lies, & The Guys' Demise

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

It is "Jury Time!" Or so Ismira tells us. Time for decision making, time for listening to the facts, time to complain amongst ourselves. Isn't this what happens every week? Time to throw out jurors... but wait, this is not the Scott Peterson trial, it is "Survivor: Vanuatu"! Certainly no less interesting, with villains much more entertaining and better looking in bathing suits (for the most part, anyway.)

Have no fear, American viewing public; Honest Achmed, The Mideast's Liquidation Leader, is still here with my own crazy jury to guide you through the twists and turns of another exciting episode. The HDTV is once again wiped clean, the antenna is in place, there are dates and roasted lamb on the table, and Cousins Hassim and Radul have promised not to play their drinking game every time Sarge or Chris says "Dude." It's Friday morning, Mideast Time, and the tent is full!

Ismira can't decide whether to be happy or sad this week. On one hand, she is glad to see the women beginning to dominate the men in the competition. If I hear one more time how more women have won "Survivor" than men, I believe I will duct tape her mouth shut. Cousin Radul offered me some of his that he uses for "body hair removal," but I declined. Ismira is so happy that she wants to party "like it's your birthday," whatever that means. Ismira's birthday doesn't occur until April.

Despite her elation, however, she is still extremely upset with Ami. Join the club, sister! I fear, though, that she has taken her dislike of the young coffee server to a ridiculous extreme. She has organized several of the local harems (those who still watch after Brady was voted out) and yesterday they staged a protest march across the sand dunes on the outskirts of our village. Cousin Radul was supposed to paint them a banner reading "Vote Out Ami," but his just said, "Out Ami." They marched around the village all day, hoping to catch the attention of CNN or maybe Al-Jazeera. I told Ismira that Al-Jazeera was too busy falsifying stories in Iraq to help her with her cause.

Ismira's crusading aside, she and I have been working on our applications for the next installment of "Survivor." We spent this last week filming our audition videotapes, with the help of Cousin Radul. I decided that my video should show me as a modern-day Lawrence of Arabia, so I raced across the sand dunes, standing atop my camel on one leg, shouting "I'm the king of the world!" in Arabic. It then shows me in the marketplace, taking advantage of American tourists with my superior bargaining skills. The video ends with me talking to the camera, saying how much better I will be than all of the fat, lazy Americans. I will either get on the show, or get arrested for being a suspected terrorist!

Ismira's video took a different route. She is shown bellydancing wearing just two buffs in strategic places (Cousin Radul's idea). She handles snakes and throws scimitars at palm trees. She eats fried scorpions (actually a delicacy in our part of the world, but don't tell the producers.) I am concerned, though, that Radul insists on zooming in on Ismira's buttocks during various scenes. He assures me that all Survivor applicants do this; I am not convinced.

Be that as it may... Last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu", the two tribes were combined into a single group in what is called a "merge." The men were glad to have Rory back among their group, and Rory likewise was glad to be able to talk about something other than pantyliners and Christopher Lowell. The men, unfortunately, did not take seriously the "Ami Factor," even though Rory warned them about it, and Ami was able to sway the votes of Julie and my beloved Twila (who I might add, is looking better and better each week.) Rory was sent packing as the women teamed up on the men. Alas, poor Rory, we knew you well; let's get started!!

Once again, we see the remaining castaways trudging back to camp after voting out yet another of their numbers. Ami is very pleased with herself, and does not really care who knows it. She is hugging and rubbing on everyone, especially Sarge, with the same self-serving, maniacal smirk that Cousin Hassim has when he has finished torturing a small, defenseless animal.

Privately, Chris tells us that maybe, just maybe, he made a mistake in trusting Twila and Julie. Wow, that hindsight needs no contact lenses!!! We see nothing of poor Chad, who is still in the jungle changing his underwear. Hope that mysterious, invisible monster doesn't get him... wait, wrong show. Twila tells us privately that she is still troubled about the way she voted tonight, and that she is feeling pangs of guilt, remorse, and a sudden craving for kosher pickles. Why is it that everyone always realizes the foolishness of their choices only AFTER the damage has been done? We Middle Easterners are not like that; we NEVER realize the foolishness of our choices!!

Meanwhile, the guys certainly realize how foolish Twila was, and contemplate this unanswerable question by the fire. They realize that although Twila's situation with the women is not good, it is still better than theirs. Sarge looks as sad as the day he found out that Darth Vader really WAS Luke Skywalker's father. Heavy sigh...

The day dawns as we find Sarge, who apparently hasn't moved from his place by the fire, glaring menacingly at Scout. Maybe she's sitting in Bubba's old spot; we are not told. Anyway, Scout is looking ahead to her career after "Survivor" by practicing for a singing audition on "American Idol." Thankfully, Simon does not show up to insult her, but Sarge looks as if he is ready to strangle her anyway. Sarge admits he is mad at these women, at women in general, and will possibly return home to divorce his wife. Cousin Hassim is hoping that he will win his online bet and that Sarge will soon go on a murderous, bloody, killing rampage. Radul simply hopes Julie will get naked again.

Before either man's fantasy can be fulfilled, we are at the Reward Challenge. Ismira sees the colored cubes on the ground and states that this is the "Question-and-answer-and-knock-players-out-in-the-order-you-want-to-vote-them-out" challenge. We ask her to repeat that, but she is out of breath.

Sure enough, she seems to be correct. Probst informs the Survivors that they will play "Trivial Pursuit: Vanuatu Edition." If they get a question right, they get to set fire to the Survivor's head of their choice. Hassim immediately begins jumping for joy, until he realizes that the heads are merely coconut representations. Secretly, he makes notes for "Survivor: The Sahara."

Probst says the winner will fly in a helicopter through a canyon, then land on the rim of a dormant volcano for lunch. I did that once at an IMAX theatre in Damascus! The game begins, and the players answer questions about Vanuatu culture, commerce, and the size of various animal body parts. The thought of lunch on a volcano made me hungry, so I got up briefly to try some of Yamiin's new Buffalo Lamb. When I sat back down, the three men had already been eliminated! First Sarge, then Chad, then Chris. No subtlety there!

Next to go is Eliza. She is NOT HAPPY to discover that she is on the bottom of Ami's food chain. She sits down and fumes the rest of the game as if her head really WAS on fire. Chris is having a laugh at her expense, as is an overwhelming majority of my village. Eventually, the field narrows to Twila (yay!) and Leanne. Leanne pulls ahead and finally sets fire to Twila's last coconut to win the reward!

Having proven that she is indeed the master of Vanuatu minutia, Leanne is allowed to take one person with her. I am appalled at this; that someone unworthy should share in a rightfully won reward! Ismira explains that this is yet another devious trick by Probst, to foster resentment and discontent among the others, and to send two people away so the others can plot against them. I think on this for a moment and realize that Probst does indeed have ties to the demons of Gehenna. Leanne, with no hesitation, chooses Julie, and the two rush into each other's arms like they haven't seen each other in... well, ten seconds or so. They board a waiting helicopter while the others are sent back to camp empty-handed to simmer, plot, and conspire.

Julie and Leanne, meanwhile, are having the time of their lives as the helicopter pilot Red-Barons his way down a picturesque, jungle canyon reminiscent of "Jurassic Park." The girls are laughing, screaming at each other, cursing, and feeling like throwing up. Sounds like another of Cousin Radul's parties. In fact, Radul got sick from just watching the helicopter ride, and is outside the tent throwing up. I think it was the hyssop tea.

They land at their lunch spot, and Leanne is surprised to see such greenery around the area. Apparently, she doesn't understand the concept of "dormant." However, she DOES understand the concept of champagne and buffalo wings, and the two young women spend the afternoon getting drunk and slobbering over cooked poultry. The conversation eventually turns to Scout and Eliza, and they can't decide who they despise the most. Maybe if Julie paints more little "Jeff" hearts all over her body, he will let the women vote them both out at once. After the men, of course. Heavy sigh...

Back at camp, I am disappointed that we see none of the promised plotting, scheming, and resentment. All we see is Scout taunting Eliza for getting mad at the challenge. Eliza is offended that Scout called her "smart." I thought Eliza... well, there's just no pleasing these American women! Eliza simply hates Scout; Scout simply hates Eliza. If the men were smart, they would see this as a crack big enough for Rory to walk through. However, if the men were smart, maybe they would have done better in the challenge...

To his credit, Chris thinks this bickering may give the men a chance. The three guys go out in a canoe together, as a group, far away from the women, so no one will think they're plotting anything. (I know, Yamiin. "Dripping with sarcasm." Sorry.) They decide that Eliza is a weak link in her alliance and they should target her. Ismira argues that if Eliza is indeed uncertain of her alliance, the men should recruit her to get rid of Scout. Cousin Radul argues that Eliza has lost too much weight, and her fake breasts are beginning to show.

While the guys are off "not plotting," Leanne and Julie return from their volcano adventure, as drunk as sorority girls during rush week. Leanne says she has "smuggled" in some of the buffalo wings. Somehow, I doubt she snuck them past the cameraman... They say the chicken wings are for the women, and the guys will get the bones. Ismira begins mumbling something about a "used breath mint."

The girls quickly devour the leftover wings, and when the guys return, the women pretend all that was brought back was bones. Amazingly, the guys fall for this lame scenario, and gladly chew and gnaw the bones while the women nudge and wink at one another.

Must I relate the ruckus this caused in my humble tent? Ismira is laughing; while Radul is having anxiety attacks. Cousin Hassim, on the other hand, spent the commercial break kicking Ismira's pet dachsund and muttering about how he "had a bone" for these women. It took three tribal elders to finally subdue Hassim, and now he sits in the corner of the tent in shackles.

Eliza is next seen hiking through the jungle to get their "Tree Mail," and discovers that one of the pigs from the wrestling contest several episodes ago is tied to the tree as well. It is not immediately clear who is the more frightened; the pig, Eliza, or the television viewing audience at the thought of more mud. Eliza decides to drag the pig, kicking and squealing, back to camp.

Awaiting them there are Sarge and Twila, both carrying machetes, and Chad, with a bottle of barbeque sauce. The intent of the tribe is crystal clear; meat's back on the menu!!! The note Eliza is holding, however, states that they must take care of the pig until further notice. Great, another mouth to feed. The last thing the Survivors were supposed to take care of was a sacred stone; whatever happened to that? Heavy sigh...

Sarge is desperate for more protein; all this chocolate cake is ruining his "SugarBusters" diet. He says he can almost taste the pig; and wants it even more than he wanted Julie a few days ago, albeit for markedly different reasons. He eventually decides that the pig is better company than the women, and spends time bonding with it, male pig to male pig.

Where has the time gone? It's Day 24, and time for the Immunity Challenge. The Survivors arrive, and Probst takes the Immunity Necklace back from a VERY unhappy Sarge. The challenge is simple; in theory, that is. The contestants must assemble puzzle pieces into a variety of star-shaped colorful patterns according to a drawing that Probst shows them briefly. A challenge for the best of thinkers, but these people haven't had a good night's sleep or a decent meal in over three weeks! As their strategies have shown, they obviously aren't thinking clearly.

The three genius men can't even make it past the beginner's level puzzle, and are eliminated in the first round. The next round is more complex and faster, and Scout and Twila are eliminated. Eliza, founder of the Vanuatu chapter of MENSA, is eliminated in the third round, leaving Ami, Leanne, and Julie. In the Final Jeopardy round, Ami defeats the others to win the necklace. Upon seeing her win Immunity, Ismira begins comparing her to a viral foot fungus. At least I think that's what it meant. Regardless of Ismira's disgust, Ami cannot be voted out tonight.

Back at Camp, Ami has that same look that she started tonight's show with. She knows she might look like a "strong woman," but she's used to it. (Insert lesbian joke here.) Cousin Hassim is drooling; Ismira kicks him in the groin to shut him up. Ami says, matter-of-factly, that she will vote off Sarge first before he can win any more immunities. A strategic move, Ami, but you are still the witch-devil of Vanuatu, and don't forget it!

Sarge knows he is the next on Ami's hit list, and this REALLY puts him in a good mood. Chris and Chad, the Dynamic Duo, talk with Scout about her thoughts. Now THERE'S a can of worms I wouldn't want to open! She expresses, to no one's great surprise, her dislike of "Eliza's vibe." She also does not like how Leanne and Julie are always hugging and dancing the Lambada; it makes her jealous and touches her in "places she can't even speak of." Heavy sigh...

And speaking of making Scout jealous, Twila and Sarge are making amends. Sarge reveals that Julie has been lying to Twila, and the proverbial light bulb finally goes off above Twila's head. She agrees to come back tight into their alliance. That puts them at four strong; only one more and they can carry the state of Ohio... With all the disgruntled women on the island, it should be an easy task. Shouldn't it?

Chad has been giving this some thought. Granted, some haven't-slept-or-eaten-a-decent-meal-in-over-three-weeks thought, but at least he's trying. He realizes that Eliza, because she's feeling vulnerable, might side with them to vote off Scout. Didn't somebody write that a few minutes ago? But I fear he has not taken into consideration the AMI FACTOR.

Chris, however, is not certain that his alliance will survive tonight's vote. It's all about the numbers, and they ain't got any. He realizes that in order to stay in the game, he must "please the ladies." Let's all pray for no more nude sunbathing!!! I am thinking that he may be the first rat off of Sarge's sinking ship.

Tribal Council looms near again, and as they are seated, Probst decides it's "Pick on Eliza" night. He reminds her, and the rest of the women, how angry she was with them, and how she has really been in trouble all game, what with the alliance-swapping, laziness, fear of pigs, and not to mention all that weight loss that shows off her fake... Anyway, Sarge interrupts this tirade to bring up the obvious fact that the women are indeed fractured.

But he does not stop there. He tells all about the Twila-Julie debacle, his Final Four alliance with Twila, and even his secret tryst with her at the last reward challenge (Okay, that last one was just in his mind.) I am wondering why he seems to be spilling all the beans about tribal dynamics. Almost like a man with nothing to lose...

Probst asks them about honesty. Leanne says Twila was honest, but got in trouble instead of Julie. Chris says honestly, lying is part of the game. He would lie if he had to, honest. Sarge just honestly wanted to eat that darn pig. Does Ami want to give up the Immunity Necklace? Honestly, no.

The Survivors are reminded that those they stab in the back from now on will return with daggers as part of the jury. Hassim gets excited again, but I assure him that Probst is only speaking figuratively. Hassim goes back to sulking. Probst warns them to be very careful. In Survivor language, I am told, this translates to, "put smiley faces on your parchment when you vote somebody off." With that dire warning, it's time to vote.

We are only shown one vote; it is Chris voting for his buddy Sarge! He says he will burn all the women, if they will just open the door a little for him. It's figurative again, Hassim! He says it's not a vote against Sarge. Funny, that's what it LOOKS like! I am sincerely hoping his prophecy comes true; my clan would rejoice if he only succeeds in burning AMI.

When Probst reads the votes, it's 1 for Eliza, 1 for Julie, and the rest for Sarge!! Twila AND Chris voted for Sarge, and Chad threw his vote away for Julie! I will have to replay the TIVO to make sure this is what actually happenned. Sarge finally takes the Walk of Death, dreaming of a dinner of bacon, sausage, and baby back ribs. I hope he gets his wish!!!

Next week, a torrential downpour hits the Alinta camp, where "Alinta" now means "People Who Wish They Had Fire." It seems that Scout makes a play to wrest the power away from Ami, with a little help from the remaining men. A week late for Poor Sarge. Somebody quick, play "Taps"...

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com