Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 11: "When It Hits The Fan, Everyone Feels It"

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

Oh, the fighting!! Oh, the hurt feelings!! Oh, the bad attitudes!! Oh, the yelling and screaming!! Radul, please turn off the Pacers basketball game! There will be no chair throwing here today; perhaps only a drink or two at the television screen when Cousin Hassim gets agitated. After, all, this is only "Survivor: Vanuatu," not a game being played by overpaid, pampered Americans being watched by overweight, pampered Americans... wait a minute; there ARE similarities, after all!

Be that as it may... I, Honest Achmed, Entrepreneur Eternal, and the rest of my Survivor-savvy family have gathered around the widescreen HDTV to cheer, jeer, and berate our favorite castaways. The game is hitting the home stretch; everyone can smell the money (unless the pig just peed again.) Everyone hang onto your camel straps, this ride is getting bumpy!!

Things are getting crazy in my village (as if they weren't crazy before!) Ismira has come up with the outlandish idea that if she supports the companies who sponsor "Survivor," her application will have a better chance of being selected by Mark Burnett. Personally, I don't see how she stands a chance against my own "Lawrence of Arabia" themed video. Anyway, she has purchased immense quantities of "Pringle's" potato chips in hopes of improving her odds.

They are everywhere!! Every corner of my tent is filled with the obscene little cans, in every color and flavor imaginable. Original, cheese, pizza, barbeque, sour cream and onion, low fat, and baked. We have tried to eat them, but Yamiin has already made seven extra trips to the well to get water to sate our salt-induced thirst!! Cousin Radul says all this starch has ruined his Atkins diet; but I suspect Radul is actually purging after each Pringle's binge. I am seriously considering leasing a mini-storage tent in the village to store all the extra cans!!!

In the midst of all this foolishness, Cousin Hassim gave us quite a scare this morning when he showed up to watch this week's episode. He came into my tent with sticks of dynamite strapped around his body, holding a detonator. As Yamiin, Ismira, and Radul ran for cover, he stated that he was through with the women controlling the Survivor game. If Chris, the last man standing, was voted off this episode, Hassim vowed to blow himself up! He had obviously not given much thought to his plan, as to how blowing HIMSELF up would affect the outcome of the game. Hassim's brain cells have not been the same since he worked at that chemical weapons factory in Iraq several years ago.

Upon closer inspection, we discovered that Hassim's threats were quite empty. The sticks of dynamite were actually road flares held together with knitting yarn and Silly Putty and strapped to his body with duct tape. The detonator he was holding was actually a "TeleTubbies" Pez dispenser! We all had great fun in violently removing the duct tape from his torso. As punishment, we have now given Hassim the unenviable job of hauling the pallets of Pringle's cans to the mini-storage tent, or we will tell the tribal elders about the "TeleTubbies." Finally, we have found a threat to which Hassim responds!

Let's get to it, shall we? Last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu," Scout tried unsuccessfully to form a counter-alliance to take control of the game. However, she targeted the wrong person in Eliza (although it would have been good to see her gone). Instead, Ami maintained her mysterious hold on the women of Vanuatu, and kept Eliza safe. The women continued their despicible elimination of the men, and poor, likable Chad was sent to jury duty alongside Sarge. This leaves Chris as the last man in the game, and from the previews, it looks like he is pulling out all the stops to stay alive. Will somebody finally stop Ami's maniacal despotism? Will Chris find a way to survive as a lone wolf? Will Eliza's mouth go numb again? (We can only hope.) This week, we snack on Pez and Pringle's; let's get started!

Once again, it's nighttime as the ever-smaller Alinta tribe (wich means "People Who Just Fired Chad") arrives back at their campsite. Eliza tells us that every Tribal Council, she is worried about being voted off, and it doesn't feel very good. However, she obviously has no apparent strategy for CHANGING this situation, unless whining to the camera counts.

Chris, on the other hand, realizes his precarious predicament, and is determined to try SOMETHING. Realizing he has absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain, he immediately implements the "Let It Hit The Fan" strategy. If he gets voted out next, at least he will go out in a blaze of glory. Around the campfire, he tells Eliza, Leanne, and Julie about Scout and Twila's plans to overthrow the Ami regime. The women are, of course, upset by this revelation, and go to bed not in the best of moods. Chris, even if his plan doesn't work, is happy to be stirring the pot.

As the next day dawns, sure enough, things have hit the fan. Leanne, who is taking a much more pronounced leadership role of late, immediately confronts Twila about Chris's accusations. Like George Washington, Twila cannot tell a lie, and admits the plan. Actually, she tries to lie at first, but is not very good at it, and ends up confessing that it was all Scout's idea. Leanne didn't even have to threaten her with expulsion or bamboo torture. Leanne is gloating to us privately about how easy it was, and how she is suprised to see plotting and scheming so early, only four weeks into the game!! In my tent, there is a collective eye roll.

Before Leanne can reveal any further insights into the game, it is time for the Reward Challenge. The Survivors are led to a crude hut with a large satellite antenna next to it. Looks a lot like my own humble abode!! Probst introduces what may be the cruelest taunting of the entire game. The contestants will play a short quiz game concerning previous challenges; the winner will get to have an Internet chat with a chosen loved one for an hour. But first, he will tease them with a brief glimpse of their loved ones. Picking the person he deems least likely to be literate, he makes Twila sit at the keyboard to begin typing. Tearfully, she admits she doesn't know how to use a computer, and Probst chuckles menacingly. However, he pulls out a small internet camera that the players can use instead. It looks similar to the one Cousin Radul was caught installing in the public showers last month!

Each Survivor gets a minute to see their loved one. Twila cries as she sees her son. Julie and her best friend say "dude" a lot. (Now we know where Sarge picked up the habit.) Eliza laughs as her mother shakes her finger at the other players, saying "Let Eliza win!" Leanne sees her best friend, but stays cool. Ami, Scout, and Chris all spend time with their "significant others," who coincidentally are all WOMEN. Chris announces he will be getting married soon. Scout and Ami say they will be getting married only if they move to Massachusetts.

After this emotion-fest, it's time to play the game. Who broke the most tiles? Everybody remembers Rory. My clan cheers. Who starting building a ladder first? Chad, we all remember. Who sat out at a puzzle? Dolly, most of the girls remember. Unfair question, slanted to the ladies. My clan boos. What four symbols were used in a particular puzzle? Nobody can remember that long ago, including my clan. Who fell in the water most? Everyone remembers Little John, and we all share a laugh. Oh, the memories!!

Julie and Eliza are tied for first place. The tiebreaker question asks them to name the pairs of matching objects in the "Dah" game. Julie goes "Duh..." while Eliza writes down several correct answers to win the reward!!! But wait, there was another twist... A suprise to us, but not to Ismira, who guessed it from the beginning... Eliza's mom is here to visit with her in person, for the whole night. Eliza is ecstatic at the thought of her mom spending the night in the jungle with them. The feeling is NOT mutual, as Eliza's mom mutters off-color words at Probst's change of plans.

All the loved ones have been here all along, around a bend in the beachline at a local Barnes & Nobles passing the afternoon. They all come out and hug their respective Survivors. Nothing earth-shattering, but Cousin Radul notes that Ami's girlfriend's nose is really, really, really long. Coming from a Middle Easterner, that's saying something!

All the other loved ones are then sent back to their nice hotels, except Eliza's mom, who gets to starve and have a horrible night's sleep. Some reward!! Back at camp, the women offer some of their leftover food to Mom, who wonders if it is safe to eat and vows not to "double dip." She is worried about Eliza; if she is eating right (no), brushing and flossing regularly (no), getting bit by insects (yes), getting Ebola virus (possibly) and if she has met Mr. Right (Sorry, Brady got voted off.) Additionally, she has been losing too much weight and her fake breasts are beginning to show... Eliza tells her she has been in trouble with the group because she talks too much. Mom is NOT surprised by this; secretly, she has been glad to have Eliza gone all these weeks, too.

Meanwhile, the ripples from plan "Hitting The Fan" are still spreading. Ami and Leanne confront Scout about her plot to overthrow Ami. Scout, while trying to play the game honestly, reverts to her own Plan B, "Lie, Cheat, and Steal." She says it was Chad's idea (way to go; blame it on the one-legged guy who isn't here to defend himself!) Ami and Leanne tell her that she and Twila are no longer in their final four plans.

I am thinking that this is a very poor strategic move, to tell a person you're cutting them out and give them time enough to plot against you! Ismira agrees with me that this was a game-busting move, so I must be on the right track. Needless to say, Scout is peeved about this, and is now glad she switched into "Lie, Cheat, and Steal" mode. Note to Scout: Next time, start the game in that mode, and you'll do a lot better!

The next day, the Survivors are preparing for the departure of Mom. No word on where Mom slept, if at all, or if she ate, flossed regularly, got bitten by insects, or contracted Ebola virus. They are all making arts and crafts for Mom to smuggle back to the other loved ones. Leanne even gives her some chicken wing bones to take back with her. As Mom is leaving, she strips down to her bra and gives Eliza her shirt; this way, getting through airport security will be one step easier. She rides away on Probst's speedboat with Scout commenting about how Mom ran around the camp in her bra and panties. Cousin Radul vows to check "Survivor: Insider" to see this edited footage, as we apparently missed it. Scout seems overly joyous as she remembers the scantily-clad, middle-aged woman. Better not tell Annie!!!

With family matters out of the way, the plot continues. Leanne confronts Twila again, this time with the help of Ami's magical powers. Twila claims she has been true all along. Uh oh, is my beloved Twila trying her hand at lying again? Ami is mad that Twila didn't report every conversation back to her; after all, how is she supposed to rule with an iron fist without proper intelligence reports? Being a demon-witch is a full-time job! They tell Twila flat-out they don't trust her (another bad move, Ismira says), and Twila swears by her son's manhood that she is with them, always and forever. This seems to satisfy them for the time being; everyone knows that family-member swearing is even better than pinky-swearing.

Privately, Twila tells us that even though she swore by her son, she was lying. My tent erupts in cheering and applause! She hopes God will forgive her if she wins the million dollars. Apparently, if she loses, she realizes that she is doomed to Gehenna for all eternity. Ismira is muttering something about "fat ladies and wicker furniture."

Early in the morning, Chris and Julie go together to get tree mail. I don't know how they know there IS mail, but the Survivors always seem to go at the right times! Julie informs Chris he's next to go. Why do these people keep giving their potential victims time to plot? Chris knows he MUST win immunity if he wants to stay in the game. Sure that's one way, but stranger things have happened... He makes a prediction that he WILL win immnity. Does he know something we don't? Somehow, I don't think so.

We'll soon see if his prediction comes true, as the Survivors are even now approaching the next challenge. In another surprise move (to everyone but Ismira), Probst brings back the loved ones to help them in the challenge! Chris immediately knows his chances of winning just plummetted into the sewer. Probst explains that the loved ones will be blindfolded. The Survivors will yell at them as they move around a course with people firing mortars at them... wait, I'm confusing this with one of our "Survivor: The Sahara" games! These folks will simply collect bags of puzzle pieces. The first team to assemble their puzzle wins. Jeff laughs maniacally as he envisions the humiliation about to occur. With a wave of his hand, the game commences!

Chris yells so loud he loses his voice immediately. Amidst the shouting, Eliza's mom goes the completely wrong way. She is suffering from sleep deprivation and possibly Ebola virus, but at least she is dressed again. Twila is yelling at her son to go to "his OTHER right." Julie's instructions to her boyfriend are so precise, he hits a tiki statue perfectly.

Ami uses her mysterious mind-control powers to guide her partner to a slight lead over Chris, who is using the power of sheer desperation on his fiancee'. After seeing this side of her man, Chris's lady may quite possibly call off the wedding. Leanne's friend is so lost, Leanne tells her just to sit before she hurts herself. Eventually, Chris and Ami start assembling their puzzle pieces. Chris keeps telling Laurie that if they lose, he's going home tonight. I am afraid he's right.

Remembering how well Ami has done in previous puzzles (and Chris's track record as well), it is no surprise to anyone that Ami's puzzle is finished before Chris's. As Probst puts the necklace around Ami's neck, Chris shows his first weakness of the game as he cries in Laurie's embrace, "I'm going home, babe." My eyes are moist as I sympathize with the hard-fighting man. Laurie sobs into his shoulder how sorry she is. Whatever happens, I must not cry... I must not cry...

At this point, I must admit, I lose track of what happens. I went out of the tent to "see a man about a camel," and when I returned, Leanne had decided that Eliza should go instead of Chris. As happy as I am for Chris, I do not understand Leanne's logic in this. She gathers together Ami, Scout, Twila, and Julie and they all agree to her plan. Am I watching the right show? Someone in the group must have brought Kryptonite, because Ami's powers cannot convince the group to keep Eliza. Eventually, even Ami goes along with the plan. Everyone in my tent can smell trouble brewing (or maybe that's Yasur's Home Cafe coffee pot...)

In this continuing series of crazy moves, Julie tells Chris that Eliza is going instead of him. He realizes that his latest plan, "Sit back and do absolutely nothing," has worked better than all of his previous plans. Still reeling from this revelation, he then talks with Twila, who has to hit him over the head with a branch to get him to realize the obvious... He needs to get one more person to their side. Twila? Noooo... Scout? She's already on our side, too, dummy... Then the lightbulb goes off. Eliza is now a threatened player with no friends that might be pulled to their side! Funny, that's what Chad suggested several days ago...

Chris wastes no time in talking to Eliza. At first, she doesn't believe him, but he swears by Twila's son's manhood. Hey, it worked before! Eliza doesn't trust that Scout and Twila are telling the truth, but Chris, as honest and pleading as we have ever seen him, swears this is the only way she can save herself, not to mention HIM. Will she take this chance? If she's smart, she certainly will. I repeat, will she take this chance?

With that, it's time for Tribal Council. We see Sarge and Chad, looking clean, well-fed, and Ebola-free. As they sit, Probst reminds the Survivors how close they are to the million dollars. Whoever goes home tonight should feel really, really, bad and embarrassed. He asks Chris what it feels like to be a loser and have a loser fiancee'. Instead of simply decking Probst, Chris says they tried really hard and he's proud of her. Leanne says she didn't care about the challenge; she had nothing to lose. WARNING!!! Irony Alert! WARNING!! Irony Alert! Probst says that Eliza is always paranoid that she's going home. Eliza responds that it's not paranoia if they really ARE out to get you. After a few more inane questions, it's time to vote.

We see Julie and Ami both voting for Eliza. Uh oh, things do not look good. As Probst begins to read the votes, I turn on a recently-discovered feature of my new HDTV, the "Thought-Bubble Feature." First vote: Eliza. Ami nods at Eliza; Your time has finally come, brat. Second vote: Leanne. Leanne raises an eybrow; Interesting... Third and fourth votes: Eliza. Eliza fidgets; Oh my God, it really WAS me this time... Fifth vote: Leanne. Leanne and Ami share a thought bubble; What the %$#^& ? Sixth vote: Leanne. Julie joins the "What the %$#^&" club. Eliza looks back at Ami; Take that, Demon-Witch! Final vote: Leanne! Chris smiles at Sarge & Chad; Lookee what I did! Lookee what I did!! Sarge and Chad are smiling; Uh huh! Oh yeah! Party Time! You da man!!! Ami looks deflated; Oh, #$%#^& !

Next week, it looks like we see the sarcastic fallout from Ami over the events of Tribal Council. The women are bickering, and Chris is loving it. Then Probst reveals something that shocks the Survivors (no more nudity, please!!!). Ismira is mumbling, "Gross Food Challenge..." and is getting excited. Well, time to pull more duct tape off of Cousin Hassim!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com