Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 10: Best Laid Plans (aka "A Series Of Unfortunate Events")

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

Tempers are flaring; everyone is on edge! The men hate the women; the women hate the men. No one can speak freely for fear of reprisals; everyone is constantly looking over their shoulders, afraid to be betrayed. And that is just in my own tent!! But have no fear, avid Survivor fans, Honest Achmed, Sultan of the Salesmen, and all my crazy relations are once again here to comment on this most unusual social experiment called "Survivor: Vanuatu." That is, if we can take a break from our own crazy lives!!!

Business at my shop is booming since my competitor, Honest Omar, was thrown into prison. I have taken over all his old "Survivor" inventory (except for the missing "Playboys.") With my superb marketing savvy, sales have been brisk. The new line of "Save The Males" T-shirts have been top sellers, as well as the "Ami, the Witch-Demon of Vanuatu" dartboards. (Is it just my tribe, but does everyone else keep getting her confused with Tea Leoni?) However, the hot pink buffs I ordered at Cousin Radul's insistance have not sold as well as I would have liked. I am not sure whether to be disappointed or relieved.

Ismira has lost another online bet with the voting off of Sarge last week. I keep telling her that this gambling is of the devil, but she still insists on losing her hard-earned money. Her latest wager is on Leanne, that she will make it to the Final Two. It is a long shot, but if she wins, she may be able to break even this season. Cousin Hassim has given up on the online betting; he is taking his money and investing in a new start-up company trying to obtain nuclear weapons from Russia.

Eventually, I gave in and have also wagered money in her online endeavor. I have wagered a month's wages on my beloved Twila!! The odds are as follows: 2-1 she makes the final four, 4-1 she wins an Immunity Challenge, and 54-1 that she hauls off and coldcocks Ami into the campfire. I am hoping that all three of these occur; I will have enough money to take that long-awaited trip to... an American Wal-Mart!

"Honest Achmed's Pay-per-View" of Survivor is still a booming business! I have had to hire three extra bedouin to help maintain the cables strung across the desert. They are kept busy day and night cleaning sand from the satellite dishes, and repairing cables where desert animals have chewed them. They even found three illegal cable splitters rerouting the signal to my Father-in-Law's harem! I was going to confront him with this heinous crime (stealing my stolen signal!) when he suggested that I make more sales by bundling "Survivor: the Sahara" with the standard package next year. I took his advice, and my pay-per-view sales tripled!! Now, Cousin Hassim and I have to deliver...

Hassim and I are arguing over who should host "Survivor: the Sahara." Everyone wants me to do it, of course, but I will have my hands full with the potential lawsuits. I think it should be that Iraqi guy from the TV show "Lost." On HIS last episode, he shot himself in the leg; let's see Jeff Probst top that level of self-abuse! We have also seen him torture people in a way that Probst could learn a few things from.

Hassim, of course, thinks it should be HIM. To prove his worth, he pulled out his scimitar and cut three of his own toes off. I was not impressed. (Note to self: 1) Find secret desert island. 2) Contact the Iraqi guy. 3) Convince him that our show will be better. 4) As a last resort, show him Hassim's toes.)

My stomach is getting nauseous... Last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu," the men tried to form a counter-alliance to take out the Witch-Demon of Vanuatu, Ami. Unfortunately, several potential alliance members had already been voted off, and additionally, Ami won the Immunity necklace. The women, under Ami's spell, stuck together and even temporarily got Chris's vote. Poor Sarge was honorably discharged before he could eat the camp's pig. This week, there looks to be lots of rain and Scout tries the challenge of wresting power away from Ami. Let's hope she's better at THIS challenge; let's get started!!!

As usual, we begin this week's episode by testing the black and white settings of our television as the Alinta tribe returns home after Sarge's dismissal. The pig, who was NOT invited to Tribal Council, waits patiently for them.

The guys are still reeling from Sarge's fate, but Chris already has his "Plan B" in motion. At this rate, however, he will need all the way to plan "H" if wants to survive much longer. In a tearful, "I had to put a bullet through his head" tone of voice, he relates how Sarge told him to vote him off, and it was the hardest thing he's ever had to do.

This is, of course, utter camel dung. Privately, he tells us that it was all made up, and he voted against Sarge simply to stay in good standing with the women. And Ami. He is so good at spinning a tale and telling lies, Ismira suggests I get his help in writing these articles next season.

The color finally returns to the HDTV (just like in the "Wizard of Oz") as morning dawns on day 25. Scout has finally come to the revelation that younger women really don't like older women, and that her chances of hooking up with Ami are fading fast. Oh, well; better start playing "Survivor," then. She gets out of bed at the early bird hour of 10:30AM and secretly whispers to Chad and Chris as they sleep by the fire, booted out of the very shelter THEY built by Ami and her underlings. My blood boils at the thought of this... Breathe... Breathe... Breathe... Okay, better.

She tells them she has a plan to keep them in the game longer. She wants to convince the others to boot Eliza first, then she, Twila, and the guys will have the advantage and vote out Ami. A good plan in theory, but why does no one take into consideration the AMI FACTOR? Attention, Scout: you have been officially warned!!!

The guys are naturally excited at the thought of three more days with no food or adequate shelter, and rejoice in their good fortune. My clan agrees that having your fate in the hands of Scout does not come close to qualifying as "good fortune." Chris remarks that the game isn't over yet. Good thing; my clock says there is still 50 minutes to go.

Tree mail arrives; another cryptic, poetic message with poor grammar and penmanship. It does say to bring the pig to the challenge, though. Ah, the great secret is to be revealed! Without waiting for any more instructions, Ami throws the pig over her shoulder and heads down the beach. She appears WAY too comfortable carrying that thing; is there also some secret to Ami we have yet to uncover as well? Let's hope not, we know way too much already!

The reward challenge again features the bamboo-built, maze-like torture devices that Probst has previously used to such great effect. This time, they are placed in a row with a rope entwined through, around, up, over, and under them. Hassim is already drooling at the thought of what lies ahead.

Probst greets them (and the pig) and Chris immediately insists that the pig be given an orange buff. This is his Plan C, "Make the pig a part of the tribe and vote HIM out instead." Probst asks them if they named the pig, and the general concensus is that the pig is named "Piggy." My goodness, I hope these people showed more originality in their audition videos! Mine and Ismira's are sure to get chosen. Twila asks if maybe, just maybe, they could have a couple of legs to eat? Probst ignores her and explains the challenge.

The tribe will be split into two groups. Scout does NOT get to do it this time. The teams must manuever one of their members along the rope through, around, up, over, and under the torture devices. Oh, and by the way; the team member is to have hands tied and is looped onto the rope! I know for a fact that this is against the Geneva Convention; I have checked. But Probst does not care; he goes on to tell them that the winning team will travel to a remote village to spend the night with the villagers and eat a "feast." I am thinking that unless the villagers live in a Marriot hotel with a buffet and open bar, this will not be much of a reward.

The teams are divided up as follows: Twila, Scout, Leanne, and Julie (Team "Bold and Beautiful") versus Ami, Eliza, Chris, and Chad (Team "Dumb and Dumber.) Eliza and Julie are the ones chosen to have their hands tied and their bodies leashed to a rope. Interestingly enough, it does not look like either girl's first time in this predicament. Cousin Radul is determined to get their phone numbers.

Eliza's team uses her scrawny, emaciated frame to their advantage; Chad and Chris simply pick her up and throw her through the obstacle course, steadily pulling ahead. The other team gradually falls behind, partly due to the fact that Scout spends a majority of her time carressing Julie's buttocks instead of helping.

The guys easily drag Eliza under a log, scraped skin notwithstanding. Julie is pulled under her log face-down, evoking a hearty laugh from Hassim. It is too little, too late; Eliza's team has finished the course and has won the reward!! Probst tells Julie, "Too bad. You hurt yourself, you humiliated yourself, you let Scout caress you, all for nothing. Get over it. Go home. To further humiliate you, I will have the effects department make it rain on your camp all night." They head off.

The winners take the pig onto a waiting airplane to the "remote village." Apparently, pigs, airplanes, and high altitudes don't mix, and this little piggy goes "wee wee wee, all the way home." The resulting stench is unbearable, even for Survivors who haven't bathed in almost four weeks. Soon enough, they leave the plane and board a bus for the "remote village." After passing two McDonald's, a Pizza Hut, and a Starbuck's where Ami used to work, they finally get to the village to be greeted by a host of natives in grass skirts.

They spend the first few minutes figuring out who gets this darn pig, and eventually unload it on the village chief. But, darn it, he gives them an even worse looking one in return! Chris says they just sort of forgot about it, but Ismira argues that they should have brought it back to camp. It had no "Do Not Eat" restrictions on it!!!

The natives, finally glad to have an audience, begin performing the Vanuatu version of "Riverdance" in their bare feet. They dance, stomp, shout and sing, inviting the Survivors to do the Hokey-Pokey with them. Chad swears they're really on the set of "Drumline 2: Bongo Backbeat." Ismira is sure she has seen "Dah", her favorite native, in the crowd.

After this surreal Polynesian prom, the Survivors are offered more of the "Kava" the men enjoyed so much in the very first episode. "Kava," it turns out, is Vanuatu for, "Practical Joke." The Survivors drink and spit according to local custom, and immediately begin feeling the effects of the drink.

Eliza says her mouth went numb... (From overuse? An answered prayer? Vanuatu Preventive Medicine?) My clan is trying to see who can come up with the best Eliza joke for that comment! Chad, however, does not hold his liquor well. After only one bowl, he is staggering, woozy, and drunk. But hey, at least his mouth isn't numb! He is quickly put down for a nap while the others stay up for the slumber party.

Their "feast" consists of a dead, half-cooked cow with its head still on. Ami is concerned that it doesn't have the nutritional value she was looking for. Probst has indeed sunk to new lows; my faith in him is restored! While the Survivors do not enjoy the dinner, the show is quite entertaining. It's a campfire sing-a-long, with the kids singing American songs they have learned, including "I'm A Little Teapot," "American Woman," and "FunkyTown." Chris tries his hand at a little karaoke, but then it's bedtime.

Back at the Alinta camp, Probst's dire prediction has come true. It is downpouring, drenching the camp and everything in it. The women try desperately to keep the fire going amidst the thunder, lightning, and freezing cold. Leanne is especially scared; she didn't realize that this Survivor game was going to be played OUTDOORS! Cousin Hassim is now hurling more Arabic curses at the screen and saying the most unkind things about Leanne's mother, whom I am sure he's never met.

The rain has finally slowed somewhat, but everything is soaked. Hey, at least there's an abundance of fresh water! Scout uses this opportunity to suggest they keep the outdoorsy guys and dump the worthless, good-for-nothing, malnourished, pig-fearing Eliza. The others seem positive about the idea, except Leanne, whose eyebrows are furrowed and is staring slackjawed, mouthing, "What the..." Scout does not catch this subtle body language, and proceeds with her plan.

The reward winners return from the remote village, without the pig. The others are not impressed; not only did these folks stay dry, but they didn't bring back any "bones" (nudge, nudge; wink, wink.) I guess the three of them that were awake ate the WHOLE cow by themselves! They try to tell of all the cute children singing "FunkyTown," but still get no response. Ami and Eliza are outraged that they weren't treated better. Ismira says they should have brought back pieces "from the Barrier Reef." She sighs as she daydreams for a moment.

Ami is a master of body language, and can tell that people are plotting because it doesn't look like people are plotting. Indeed, Scout is telling the guys that the rest of the women are on board, and Eliza will get voted out next. Chris is glad that Plan D, "New Age Vulnerable Man With Puppy Dog Eyes," seems to be having an effect.

With no further ado, the Survivors are at the Immunity Challenge. Colorful telephone poles, one for each contestant, have been sunk into the ground for some dastardly purpose. Probst takes the necklace back from Ami and tells them the game is simple; whoever stays up their pole the longest, wins. Sort of like when Uncle Shirad got treed by a band of wild hyenas in Lebanon. (He lost a leg in that one.)

The Survivors grab their poles (why are you giggling, Radul?) and the game begins. Julie is the first one out quickly, sliding down to the ground. Chris soon follows, eliciting boos from my tent. Scout falls out third; at least she wasn't first! Believe it or not, Eliza is still holding on tight. She is thinkng to herself, pretend it's a rich young doctor... pretend it's a rich young doctor...

Ami slides out next. Then Eliza is finally out, falling halfway down the pole at once. Ouch! Meanwhile, Twila has found a loophole in the rules and is holding on with her teeth. Either that, or she's really, really, hungry. Leanne drops out and it's just Twila and Chad. Note to Survivors: You should be ashamed of yourself! The one-legged man and the woman using her dentures outlasted you! In my culture, mass suicide would be the only available option...

Twila's dentures ultimately prove stronger that Chad's steel leg, and Chad slips to the ground. Twila wins immunity, and I win one of my bets!! Now, if she would just coldcock Ami into the campfire...

Once back at camp, the politicking shifts into full swing. Chad wants Eliza out. Ami wants Chad out. Scout wants Eliza out. Ismira wants Brady back in. Ami talks with Leanne and Julie. Chad talks with Scout. Scout will talk with the others. Twila wants Eliza out. Chad talks to Twila. Scout talks to an Indian spirit from Stillwater, Oklahoma. Twila talks to Ami. Ami still wants Chad out. Chris wants his mommy. Twila reports back to Scout. Scout still wants Eliza out. Hassim still wants more bloodshed. Sarge still wants that pig. Allah, my head is spinning!!

What it comes down to is this: The best Scout, Twila, and the guys can hope for is a tie. That would bring out the "Purple Rock of Death." I do not know what this is, but the Survivors fear it like some superstitious talisman. I will have to get one if ever I am accepted for the show! Anyway, Twila is not sure she wants to risk facing this hideous purple rock.

With that, it's Tribal Council time! The first order of business is to bring back Sarge! I am excited, but Ismira tells me that he is not really back in the game; he is part of the "jury" that will decide who gets the million dollars. Oh, well, Sarge, maybe you'll get a spot on "All-Stars 2."

Probst starts off by gloating about the turn the weather has taken. Maybe he REALLY had a hand in it, after all. Leanne admits she is about to go psycho when it rains. Just imagine if the pig would have peed on her!

Probst asks if the women's alliance is still strong, and if the guys are trying to fight. Chris and Chad admit that they've worked their way down to Plan G, "Pleading on your knees like a pitiful, woeful, orphan child," and maybe one of the plans will work. Eliza, the originator of the pitiful, woeful, orphan expression, is worried about possible defectors. She doesn't mention any names (SCOUT and TWILA) but you can't trust everybody (SCOUT and TWILA).

Twila says you can't truly trust anybody. Ami begs to differ; people can trust HER; if they do exactly as she says and don't think for themselves and only until the alliance doesn't need them anymore, or maybe if they make an offhand comment that gets misheard and misconstrued and used to fuel an already seething hatred that leads to getting voted off when you're a woman and you're supposed to be voting off the men...

Before Chad can strangle Ami, it's time to vote. We see only three votes: Ami, voting for Chad, and Chad and Chris both voting for Eliza. This is not a good sign, Ami has NEVER been on the wrong side of a vote. Sure enough, when the votes are read, another man bites the dust. It is 2 votes for Eliza; 6 votes for Chad. Scout and Twila, in order to keep their rebellion plotting secret, fell back under Ami's spell and voted off Chad rather than forcing a tie! I am enraged by their lack of courage!!!! Chad heads down the Walk of Death, hopefully to return next week by Sarge's side.

Speaking of next week, it looks like Chris is on to Plan J, "Tell everybody everything to get them mad at each other and not at you." He tells Ami of Scout's failed attempt at a coup, and Ami goes on a rampage. Ismira says it's a "Lex Witch-hunt," whatever that means. I guess we'll find out. Now, let me practice with my Ami dartboard...

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com