Middle East Guide To Survivor: Vanuatu
Episode 7: "Rock A Bye-Bye Baby"

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

The Survivors are dropping like flies! That is, the flies around Cousin Radul's camel, whom he hasn't washed in three months. Welcome again to my humble tent in the middle of the Sahara. I, Honest Achmed, Superb Seller of Souvenirs and Such, am here with my clan to provide you with our expert opinions on this week's episode of the increasingly mystifying "Survivor: Vanuatu." Yamiin has once again set us a wonderful buffet, and we are refreshed and ready to cheer, dance, and throw Arabic curses at our widescreen HDTV. Let the foolishness begin!

We have spent the last week debating Ami's decision to sacrifice Lisa to the volcano. I am of the opinion that it was a strategic power play to gather pawns to solidify a power base, then eliminate a potential threat. Cousin Radul, ever the eye for fashion, is convinced Ami just couldn't look at Lisa's lime green bikini any more. Cousin Hassim is simply happy to see another Survivor "bite the dust." A curious expression, considering where WE live.

Ismira, my fourth wife and our undisputed "Survivor" expert, now officially hates Ami. I have never heard such words come out of her mouth when she discusses the young woman. She says she's "worse than Jerri Manthey" and apparently, that's saying a lot. I think she has been hanging around Cousin Hassim too long!

She is also upset that, despite our new television satellite dish, she cannot see the Survivors appear on a show she calls "Letter-Man." Evidently, in America, even postal workers get their own talk shows! Since then, I have researched this Letter-Man, and have discovered that he could teach Cousin Hassim a thing or two. In what is apparently an American tradition, I have prepared my own "Top Ten" list...

On second thought, maybe I SHOULD try out for "Survivor"... I would certainly play the game differently! Last week, on "Survivor: Vanuatu", Yasur was given a new name... Team Downward Spiral. They lost everything last week, including Chuay Gahn's canoe. Ami made a grab for power, although the alliance she has assembled is of questionable talent at best. Over at Lopevi, Julie is testing the theory that men like "Jewels" as much as women, and Twila's close association with Sarge is making me extremely jealous. Can Yasur stop the fateful plunge to Loser Lodge? Will Sarge's alliance hold? Will Julie get a job at "Hooter's"? Only time will tell; let's get started!!!

For once, we do not start the episode in the bluish-gray light of nightvision that makes me think I'm being watched by U.S. sharpshooters. It is a bright morning, Day 16, at the Lopevi Camp. Everyone is working hard, gathering firewood and such. Everyone, that is, except Little John. Having taken the prime spot by the fire since Bubba is now gone, he is claiming squatter's rights over it and has not moved. Chad, still upset that HE didn't get the prime spot again, is complaining about how little work John actually does. Julie even does more work than Little John, and takes her clothes off as well! There's no way Little John can top that (we hope).

The entire tribe is utterly appalled as he wakes up from his third nap of the morning. They express their extreme disgust at his worthless form by... well, by making faces at him. Since this does not serve to make him wither and die, thay talk about how much more he eats than everyone else. Chris and Chad wonder how he keeps his slim, girlish figure. Cousin Radul swears he is sneaking diet pills while the camera isn't looking.

Over at Camp Downward Spiral, Rory is on his knees in prayer. No word on if he is actually facing east or not. He is thankful that he has infiltrated the women's alliance and found his crack. He decides to test his newfound alliance by badgering his alliance partners until they agree to vote him off again. While with Ami (boo, hiss) and Leanne, he insists that Eliza should go. While they suck the last droplets of sucrose out of a few withered stalks of sugar cane, they look at him dumbfounded as if to say, "Don't you remember she was the OTHER one in our alliance?" In my mind, Rory has made a mistake. If he wanted to pick the least productive member of the tribe, several other names come to mind. Scout. Scout. Scout. Scout. Scout. And oh, yes, there's always Scout.

Ami and Leanne pretty much tell him "tough"; it's HIS fault he's a man, after all. They think he will be attracted by the testosterone magnet if a regrouping of the tribes occurs again. He assures them that he is with them, and raises his production level to 120%, up a full ten points from last week. I would suggest to the women to hold onto Rory until he reaches 160, then sell! Rory is not happy with the outcome of this conversation, and despite the prayer he was praying, vows to "burn the camp straight to hell," or something like that. Ismira chimes in to say that has already been done by somebody named "Butch."

After we have been given a brief glimpse at each dysfunctional camp, it's time for the Reward Challenge. The tribes arrive, and Lopevi is surprised to see that Lisa has been the latest one voted out. Probst notices their amazement, and asks who they thought it was going to be. Twila points and says, "You know, him... The Negro guy." Rory takes this all in stride, but Twila has now been scratched off his Kwanzaa card list.

The challenge is simple. Simple, that is, if you're a three-legged gymnast with the flexibility of Gumby. The underwater torture devices from a few days ago have been brought to shore, and the contestants must now scramble through them holding a shell full of coconut juice before dumping the juice into a glass jar. The children of my village (and Radul) play a similar game with goat urine and spent mortar casings. It is great fun, so they tell me.

Whoever fills the glass jar first and brings it back to the start will win the game. Before anyone can raise their hands, Probst assures them that peeing into the jar is NOT allowed. And the reward? A trip to a coffee bar, with all the caffeine and croissants they can stuff into themselves. Ami is thinking, a coffee bar? I came here to get AWAY from work! Also, the winners get to take the coffee maker back to camp with them. Finally, if Yasur wins, Scout and Ami will finally have something to "hook up!" I tell this to Radul in an effort to encourage him, but he looks at me as if I'm crazy.

Sarge, whom the tribe loves but realizes is a big clumsy ox, sits out for Lopevi. The game begins, and to be honest, I have a hard time following what is going on. People are weaving their way through this bamboo maze, but shaking all the juice out of their shells. Eliza worriedly makes her way through the course, muttering to herself, "Don't screw up. Don't screw up." Leanne's long legs cause a problem in parts of the maze, but help in the hurdling portion. Cousin Hassim laughs when Probst makes a comment about Chad being on his "last leg."

Scout, when it is her turn, deliberately throws her juice to the ground to disqualify herself and let someone faster take a turn. While this may have been a reasonable strategy, the result in our tent is that the television screen is again covered in dates and spit, and cries for euthanasia fill the air. Yamiin runs to get a wet towel before we miss too much more of the challenge.

Through this confusion, Yasur's predominantly female tribe is able to snake their emaciated bodies through the mazes faster than Lopevi. Their glass jar is filled before Lopevi's. Leanne, however, not content with just singlehandedly botching ONE challenge, tries to lose this one as well so Yasur can continue their streak. She runs back to the start without the glass jar. Her teammates tell her she must make a return trip. She takes them literally on the way back and trips to the ground, nearly breaking the jar and losing it for her tribe. Mercifully,the jar and its contents survive intact, and Yasur finally wins a challenge!

Probst sends the defeated Lopevi tribe home, without so much as a sip of the coconut juice they collected. Yes, true sadistic genius shines through in every situation. Yasur, no longer Team Downward Spiral, heads up the beach to where a makeshift hut awaits them. Ami falls into her old habits and begins serving everyone coffee, skipping around the hut and saying, "Wake up, Denver!" They are puzzled, but don't really care, because Probst has assembled a photo board of their childhoods, families, friends, and Eliza's dog. Apparently, she had no family worthy of a picture.

The survivors ooh and ahh over the pictures. There's really not much more they can say, as their mouths are stuffed with coffee-soaked croissants. They gape at everyone's childhood photos for a long time, taking several home to act as potential blackmail should the need arise. Of great interest is a particularly telling one of Leanne in a great 80's hairdo. Cousin Radul is disappointed that none of Ami's "Playboy" pictures made the photo board. I was not aware that anyone posed for Playboy BEFORE going on Survivor.

But wait, there's more. No Ginsu knives here, folks. Note to self: Dump all those surplus Ronco trinkets on Honest Omar. There are letters from home for the entire tribe! Tears flow as each Survivor reads letters from their spouses, children, parents and same-sex-cohabitation-not-that-there's-anything-wrong-with-that partners. Ami's parents assure her that her deceased brother is looking out for her. Ismira is hoping that this is not another "dead grandmother" trick. This is a strategy I am not aware of. Is it against Survivor rules to have assistance from the afterlife? After all, Halloween IS approaching.

Rory's letter from home proves timely. His wife shows that she truly understands her husband when her letter essentially says "Don't do anything stupid out there!" He decides he may have to revise the "pillage, rape, sack, plunder, and burn" strategy he had so carefully crafted that morning. Hassim is disappointed; he was so looking forward to seeing it in action and taking notes. Yasur eventually leaves the coffee hut, taking the coffee maker and staggering away with a caffeine buzz that hopefully will not lead to severe withdrawal symptoms later on.

The next day at Lopevi, Twila and Julie continue their quality time together. After all, who ELSE are they going to go to the bathroom with? Julie tricks Twila into admitting that she has a Final Four Agreement with Sarge and his platoon. Julie claims to have one too, causing Twila to no longer trust Sarge. I am hollering to Twila, "Don't believe it!" but evidently she does not hear me. My next purchase will be a TWO-WAY television set. The two women agree to stick together, through thick and thin, just like Laverne and Shirley. Except that Shirley never stripped naked. And Twila doesn't wear a "T" on her swimsuit. And they don't live in a basement. And Twila doesn't drink milk and Pepsi. And there's no "Boo-Boo Kitty." And... Okay, maybe it was a bad analogy.

Day 18 dawns with the arrival of tree mail. Along with the usual cryptic message is a slingshot and several marbles. Maybe sniper attacks on the other team ARE allowed! They are told to practice with the slingshots. Cousin Hassim is excited to realize that the next challenge may actually include some combat. He is desperately hoping that "someone's eye gets put out."

At Yasur, Rory does his "Monday Night Football" impressions while he tries teaching the women how to use a slingshot without hurting themselves. He does not succeed. At Lopevi, Sarge instructs the girls, including Little John, on how to shoot by explaining what fun it was to be a juvenile delinquent as a kid. Or maybe as a Marine. Sarge also says there is NO WAY his team will lose to the girls. Ismira has taught me enough to see this as blatant foreshadowing, and I do not like what this says about Lopevi's chances in the upcoming competition. I just hope it is not Sarge's eye that gets put out.

The competition is a large tic-tac-toe board, with a matrix of breakable tiles suspended in the distance. Cousin Hassim is furious when he realizes that the teams will be shooting at the tiles and not each other. He swears that in "Survivor: The Sahara," things will be very different. The object of the game is to break all of the tiles. There is also a strategy of knocking out entire rows to quickly sit out your weaker players. Eliza and Scout are thankful for this.

Chris sits out this challenge. Obviously, balance AND aim are not his strong suits. The shooting commences, and I am amazed at what I see. Scout actually seems to do well at this challenge, while my beloved Twila can't hit a single tile without a sawed-off shotgun. The stability of my world is restored, though, when Eliza is again horrible. Indeed, there are certain constants in the universe.

Rory quickly takes charge of this stationary skeet shoot, blasting away tile after tile. He expertly takes out enough tiles for Leanne and Eliza to quickly get out of the game, leaving Yasur's three strongest shooters. He continues to score hit after hit. He says, "This one's for my little boy!" and "This one's for Tupac!" as he quickly brings his tribe to a decisive win. Now, it is HIS turn to scream incoherently as Probst hands him the Immunity tiki-stick-thing. Out of habit, Rory turns to lead his tribe to Tribal Council until Probst manages to convinve Yasur that they really DON'T have to go tonight! Still not quite believing it, they head back to camp.

At Yasur, Rory is understandably ecstatic. He celebrates by slamming the tiki stick into the ground and breaking its head off. Somebody call the props department! Privately, Rory tells us he "rocked Ami's world." I do not know what this means, but Cousin Radul is angry they did not show that scene. Rory says she is now on the top of his "hit list." Maybe Ismira should hum the "Godfather" theme NOW. For her part, Ami is still acting like her sheep don't stink. She is still confident that she can vote off Rory when the time comes. Now, it is Ismira's turn to throw dates at the television screen.

Now, for the first time since the swap, it's time for Lopevi to decide who they will vote off at the next Tribal Council. Heck, Twila and Julie don't even know how to get to Tribal Council from this camp!

Away from camp, but never from the cameramen, Chris and Chad discuss the vote. Chad doesn't trust Julie and thinks she should go before she can re-team with the women. Chris doesn't think Little John can be trusted and thinks he should go instead of Julie because... Well, duh; Julie lays around naked!

Little John is apparently still asleep and dreaming, because he thinks Chris is on his side and is the most trustworthy guy out here. It NOW becomes evident that he has never seen one episode of "Survivor" before. Little John has decided that Chad should be next to go because his prosthetic leg could gain him a sympathy vote, and because... well, it's just too darn creepy when Chad pulls it off and begins pretending it's a flute. He floats this idea out to his "buddy" Chris, who mumbles noncommittally.

Misinterpreting this for an enthusiastic, "Yes! Let's sucker-punch the poor amputee!", he then approaches Twila and Julie, who are involved in this foreign concept known as "helping around camp." He tells them of his plan, and they ask him if Sarge knows. His response is that it doesn't matter, and I am SURE now that he is still dreaming. He thinks Twila is on his side, too, because "rednecks are loyal." Little John has been listening to a little too much Jeff Foxworthy.

Lopevi eventually remembers the way to Tribal Council, and since it's been so long, Probst re-introduces himself. Pleasantries are exchanged. This time around, he is getting soft and is actually easy on them. Perhaps Jeff was having a bad day. Anyway, he asks about the work ethic around camp. Chris says everybody works (winks to Little John) and helps around camp (winks again to Little John.) Probst asks what Twila does, and the men basically say EVERYTHING. He does not bother asking what Julie does; he saw the footage from last week!

Little John has a complaint. Everything is getting done around camp EXCEPT the napping. Everyone is slacking in this area, and the entire burden is left to him. That's just not fair. If Twila is helping everyone else, she should help HIM with his duties around camp. Doggone it, though, he is still the best napper in camp. Probst, making sure he heard right, realizes that Little John is indeed an idiotic Rip Van Winkle.

He asks Chad how to tell if you can trust people. Chad says he uses the Force. He waves his hand and says, "By the way, I get the million dollars..." Chris says he will base his vote on trust, but also because he's "lookin' out for numero uno, baby!" and will do what's best for him. I must give him points for honesty. Chad waves his hand, muttering, "It's time to vote..." and Jeff tells them it's time to vote.

The only vote we are shown is Little John's vote for Chad. Apparently, he is immune to the ways of the Force. This does not bode well. Sure enough, when the votes are read, he has indeed gathered around himself an alliance of one. It is 5-1, Little John is going home. In his closing remarks, he still trusts Chris and Sarge, and hopes they win. Poor guy doesn't realize Chris masterminded his exit when Chad wanted to keep him!! Ah, the irony of it all will keep me going until next week.

Speaking of next week, we see Sarge showing off his tight, military-toned buttocks to Julie, and the other men are understandably revolted. At Yasur, Rory (cut and paste here) is complaining that he can no longer tolerate these lazy American women. I have been saying that all season!! Then, another mix-up of tribes seems to occur. Ismira is chanting "Merge... Merge... Merge..." I will have to find out what this is all about!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com