Middle East Guide To Survivor:
Episode 6: Liars, Losers, Loyalty, Lust, Lopevi, & Lisa (aka "The Downward Spiral")

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

This fascinating story is hitting its stride! My clan has been watching this American drama-fest called "Survivor: Vanuatu" for five weeks now, and we can't get enough! Each week, we cheer the favorites and boo the villians. The trouble is, none of us agree on which is which! It makes for some very interesting dinner conversations around the tent, but we will continue to bring you our unique insights to this game. We're getting better at it each week!

Ismira is finally getting over the loss of Brady. Buying one of my T-shirts seemed to help. She asked if I sold any pillowcases with the FBI agent's image on it, but I am uncomfortable with the direction that request is heading. For now, she sleeps in the T-shirt and sighs...

She is also back to her online Survivor betting game. She has now wagered all her money that Sarge will make it to at least the Final Four. Cousin Radul laughs and says Sarge will never make the Final Four until he "beats Kentucky." We have no idea what he is talking about. Cousin Hassim has also wagered money on Sarge; that he will eventually snap, pull out a heretofore concealed assault rifle, and gun his tribe down in cold blood. The odds are astronomically high; if this indeed happens, Hassim's small wager will make him the third richest sheik in the Middle East!

Our quest to produce "Survivor: The Sahara" continues. We have received three more applications just this week! I wonder if Mark Burnett gets this much response? One application was from another aspiring actress/bartender (we immediately threw that one away), and the second was from an albino bellydancer. We are not sure she will make it onto our show, but we kept her picture anyway. The third application was from an American, a preacher from Louisiana who promised "to do better this time around; honest!" If these applications keep pouring in, we should have enough contestants in two or three months!

Unfortunately, amidst all this activity, there is bad news. Honest Omar, my biggest competitor, has begun selling "Survivor" merchandise in his shop, just down the street from mine! He has seen my success, and is trying to steal my business.
Most of his items are gag gifts, however. He sells an empty box he calls "Richard Hatch's New Suit", a painted stone he calls the "Rock of Death", and a bottle of suspicious liquid that claims to treat sea urchin stings. Ismira says this treatment also works on scorpion stings; I shall have to inquire about the treatment if ever I am stung.

But I will press on, through all circumstances. Last week, on "Survivor: Vanuatu", the tribes went through an earthquake, and further shaking occured as several tribe members were transfered to the opposing tribe. Bubba made a costly mistake when he forgot which team he was supposed to be whispering to, and Ami "Evil Eyes" Cusak make him pay for it. Rory is now a lone man surrounded by women. While this is actually most men's ultimate fantasy, Rory doesn't seem happy. There's just no pleasing some lazy Americans! According to the previews, I must be ready to cover my eyes at any moment; let's get started!!!

It is nighttime, and Yasur is back at camp after voting off Bob Barker. Apparently, his price just wasn't right. (Yamiin groans) Rory is not feeling good about the vote, and lets the ladies know. He decides he will play it up tomorrow morning with the "angry, upset black man" approach. Ismira says it didn't work for Sean Rector, so why is Rory trying it? I am thinking that, considering how the vote COULD have gone, Rory should be thankful! It now becomes evident that "Yasur" is not only a volcano, but also a verb describing the downward spiral into one.

Finally, it's morning on Day 13. At the victorious Lopevi Camp, Sarge is telling us about how he likes women. That's a good thing to know. He also blurts out that he has been having erotic dreams about them. That is NOT a good thing to know. Julie giggles, but in her mind, she is concocting a vivid scenario involving naked flesh, whipped cream, and not getting voted off the island. Chris has already played out this scenario in his head, and will not fall for it. He would like to eat the whipped cream, though.

The tribe wonders who from "Downward Spiral" was voted off last night. Basically, they think pretty much anyone but Bubba. They have obviously not calculated in the "Ami" factor. She is not falling for Bubba's charms. In the meantime, Twila and Julie are spending quality time together for the first time all game. All in all, a tender moment, bringing tears to Cousin Radul's eyes. They decide their best strategy for staying around is to keep winning challenges. Again, their breakthrough insights into the game show why they were chosen from thousands of applicants.

Over at Yasur, they find Tree Mail (aren't you proud of me? I know what that is, now!) It is a cage with a wooden pig, and a cryptic note about getting muddy. Mark Burnett is again pandering to the American male viewers by having his female contestants slithering around in mud. Both Cousin Radul and Hassim are eagerly awaiting this competition; maybe it's not just AMERICAN men!

Rory decides the time is right to perform his one-man Vaudeville act. He pleads about having no family to go back to, how he is part of their team now, and doesn't like being a "slave" around camp, knowing he's next on the "auction block." Somewhere in Hollywood, the producers of "Roots 3" are booking him for an audition. Rory himself admits that it was the cheesyest thing he's ever said, and for him, that's really saying something. The funny part is, he thinks they may have bought it.

Ismira rolls her eyes at this, saying Ami will not let him stay. On a hunch, I offer to bet her that Rory makes it through this episode. She accepts, and we agree that the loser must treat the winner to dinner at our favorite restaurant in Istanbul. It will be several day's journey, but their lamb is even better that Yamiin's! (Please don't tell her I said that; I will not eat for a week.)

Both teams arrive at the challenge, which is a huge pigpen filled with slimy mud and pigs painted with red and yellow coloring. At their worldwide headquarters, PETA is now preparing a lawsuit. Personally, I must make sure Ismira does not do this to my prized sheep. Lopevi is shocked to see that their beloved Bubba was not so beloved at the opposing camp. They are beginning to discover the "Ami Factor."

The game is simple. Each team member must manhandle two muddy pigs into another fenced area, while the least coordinated member of the tribe opens and shuts a gate. Not suprisingly, Yasur chooses Scout for this task, while Lopevi chooses Julie. The reward will be steaks and eggs for the entire winning tribe. Both tribes go absolutely nuts at the sight of something other than Pringle's and Cousin Radul's beer.

After making sure no one is whispering to the other tribe, Probst shouts "Go!" and PETA begins preparing their lawsuit in earnest. The survivors rush into the pen and commence utter mayhem as country music fills the television speakers. People are grabbing pigs in places pigs were never meant to be grabbed, and unlike Cousin Radul, the pigs do NOT enjoy it. Chad throws his body onto a pig, shouting, "Fire in the hole!" Twila corners a frightened pig, saying, "The chicken got away, but you're MINE!" Gradually, Lopevi pulls ahead of Yasur.

Then it's Eliza's turn to enter the pig pen, and it quickly becomes obvious that this pampered American has never actually TOUCHED mud before. She prances around the pigpen for a while, hollering "Ick!" and "Ewwww!" and "Like, gag me with a spoon!" Finally, she gives up and lets someone else take over. Cousin Hassim throws his bowl of dried dates at the TV screen, shouting that she should be beheaded then and there.

Sarge is the final Lopevi team member to enter the pen. He uses the tried and true approach of "Here, piggy, piggy!" and to my utter amazement, quickly grabs his two pigs and brings them back for a Lopevi win!!! The victors grab their food before the sadistic Probst can exchange it for more Pringle's, and head back to camp.

Over a high-protein dinner that Dr. Atkins would be proud of, they take turns making fun of Eliza. (What a coincidence; we did that in my tent during the commercial break!) They essentially agree with Hassim that she should be maimed in some way, and that voting off Bubba was a dumb thing to do. At the edge of the camp, the sudden infusion of protein has an unusual effect on Sarge, who acts drunk. He says "Dude" and "Dude Man" a lot, and talks about "Raising the Roof." I wasn't aware that Lopevi was having any shelter problems.

Over at Camp Downward Spiral, everyone is mad at Eliza for... well, today, it's for being such a girl in the challenge. Hey ladies, I bet BUBBA would've grabbed a few pigs! I begin thinking about my favorite restaurant as it looks like Eliza's time has finally come. They discuss the recent string of losses and realize that Eliza is really, really, BAD. Eliza realizes it too, and for the first time in this game, is rendered... are you ready... really ready... AT A LOSS FOR WORDS!!!! She finally says she wishes Scout were gone so that SHE could sit out all the challenges instead. Honestly, she said that. Ami tries consoling her, shrewdly realizing that Eliza has now become a scared pawn that will do anything to stay in the game. Ismira begins humming the theme from the "Godfather."

Rory, on the other hand, is as happy as we've ever seen him. Granted, that's not saying much, but still, he's happy. It seems he's been searching for "crack" all over the island. Ismira says he sounds like Charlie from "Lost", whoever that is. He is happy that he has finally found his crack.

Speaking of "crack", it now seems that we are about to be treated to a view of Julie's. She decides to further her position in the game by sunbathing in the nude, showing the men (and Twila) how she got the nickname "Jewels." I cover my eyes as she lies on the beach, but Allah be praised, the HDTV has malfunctioned again and all the naughty bits are rendered unviewable! The men in her tribe aren't as blessed, and must endure fleeting glances at her young, nubile body. Chris dreams of whipped cream, and he isn't even hungry.

Twila, not to be outdone, is using her own brand of charms on the men, and on Sarge in particular. They have become good buddies lately, climbing trees together and talking about monster truck shows and such. Sarge says he would even put a dress on her. That is an interesting statement, since most American men think the reverse about women. He offers Twila a spot in a four-person pact instead of Little John, whom nobody really trusts. She accepts his offer, but privately wonders if he is telling the truth. She also is apparently concerned about sitting too close to the fire, as she is worried about getting smoke blown into unmentionable places.

It's a new day, and time for a new way for Probst to torment the survivors. The teams arrive for the Immunity Challenge to find a series of above-and-under-water torture devices tethered together by a rope. Four of the contestants from each tribe must weave tiki pieces along this rope to the shore or drown in the process. Cousin Hassim likes this challenge, even though it involves no gunfire. Ismira remarks that "Osten" would not like this challenge. I am thinking that Bubba, the weak swimmer, should be glad he was voted out before having to face this perverse aquatic marathon.

Probst says two tribe members don't have to swim, and asks Team Downward Spiral who they will put on the beach (besides Scout, of course. Why did she sign up for this game?) The players take their places and begin the race. Chris quickly pulls ahead of Ami, but then Rory closes the gap against the older, fatter, slower, whiter Sarge. At the midpoint of the race, it's a dead heat.

Leanne jumps into the water against Jewels, but can't seem to make any headway against the churning water. She decides to tread water instead of moving her tiki pieces in order to further tire herself out, and the strategy succeeds brilliantly. She remains in one place while Lopevi's last two members swim through the course. Hassim is sure she has thrown the challenge on purpose, and begins hurling all manner of obscene curses at her family. He has no more dates to throw, so he spits on the television.

By the time we clean Hassim's mess from the HDTV, Yasur is back at camp and Leanne is crying, feeling like a loser. Well, at least she's in the right camp! Eliza tries to comfort her, but can't stop giggling from the fact that someone besides HER messed up his time. I am still confident that I will win my bet, because now the target has moved to Leanne's back. I have a nagging suspicion, though, that Ami may be looking at another scared pawn who will do anything to stay in the game. Ismira is now humming the theme from "The Godfather, Part 2."

Then something interesting, confusing, and unforseen occurs. My clan will be debating this for days. As the women prepare to collect food from the jungle, Lisa apparently says something that sends Ami over the edge. Since Mia is no longer around to do her erupting volcano impersonation, Ami takes over. She goes off on how she doesn't trust Lisa, will vote against Lisa, and is jealous that Lisa's chest is bigger than hers. Scout has decided that the tribe should vote off Eliza (which MY tribe agrees with) but Ami will not hear of it. Ami says, in front of Lisa, that she will vote her off. Scout tries to bring the women to an agreement, but Ami continues to act like a... what's the word? Oh, well. Cousin Hassim is shouting several suggestions, but I cannot repeat them here.

Rory is singing the McDonald's "I'm Lovin' It" theme as he does the "Rocky" jog along the beach. He has been approached by Ami who has told him of her plan, and that he's safe. I begin taunting Ismira by telling her what I want to eat at the restaurant. She nods to Hassim, and he smacks me in the head. I will stop the taunting now. Anyway, Rory does not care who he votes for, as long as it isn't him. He really wants Eliza gone, but will vote with Ami. The theme from "The Godfather, Part 3" resonates through my tent...

Team Downward Spiral makes their way to Tribal Council, where Probst really enjoys his job. He wastes no time reminding them of exactly how many challenges they've won since the swap. That would be, let's see... ZERO. He puts it bluntly, "You're in trouble. Leanne, you especially. You stink. You should all quit now. I will kick you all out and keep Rory."

To further understand the depths of their losing strategy, he asks them which is more important, strength or loyalty. The concensus among the women is "Loyalty." That explains why they'll all soon be at "Loser Lodge" TOGETHER, loyal to the end. Loyalty is an admirable thing, but loyalty without strength is folly. I read that in a fortune cookie once. Realizing that there's no hope for this team, Probst sends them to vote and get it over with.

I am thinking now that maybe Rory is gone after all, with the women putting aside their differences for the loyalty of the losing sisterhood. Sure enough, we see two votes for Rory. However, when the votes are read, those are the only two votes he gets! Ami and her pawns Eliza, Leanne, and Rory have all voted out Lisa. We are still not sure why Ami has such a grudge against Lisa. So much for loyalty over strength; the liars! Lisa heads down the Path of Death after reminding them that she was true to her word. Of course, she voted for Rory; so much for keeping strength, too!

Oh well; my family has a lot of debating to do. Next week at Lopevi, we see Twila and Julie conspiring against their male tribemates. I think my beloved Twila is playing both sides of the fence; the last time I straddled a fence, I injured myself in a delicate spot! And at Camp "Desperately Trying To Stop The Downward Spiral," Rory tries to solidify his position with the women by... you guessed it, more complaining!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com