Middle East Guide To Survivor:
Episode 5: "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On"

by Honest Achmed
Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

This last week has been a nightmare! Living with Ismira has been impossible since Brady was voted off last week. Despite this inconvenience, my village is still enjoying this guilty Western pleasure known as "Survivor: Vanuatu." Have no fear; I, Honest Achmed, Professional Procurer of Paraphernalia, am here to offer my increasingly wise interpretation and counsel to this week's episode.

Allah has not blessed my life this week. Ismira has gone into extreme mourning, wearing nothing but black here in the scorching desert heat. She wanders across the sand dunes aimlessly, claiming to have seen visions of the FBI agent walking amongst the palm trees. At my request, she has visited a holy cleric to work through her depression, but this has not helped. Yesterday, she spent the day crying while burying small, dead animals in the sand doing something she calls "Granny Jan" therapy. It does not help that Cousin Hassim has hung a burnt effigy of Brady outside the entrance to her tent. Ismira has also lost all the money she had wagered online, and is trying to figure out who to bet on next.

Brady's untimely departure has also hurt me financially. The tents of twenty-seven local harems have cancelled their pay-per-view subscriptions to Survivor since the hunky American will no longer be seen each week. This has cut greatly into my profits. Luckily, I have introduced the "Brady Lives" line of merchandise in my shop, and it is selling extremely well among the ladies. Ismira keeps mumbling something about "Return of the Outcasts", and it seems to give her some hope. I think that is the title of the next "Star Wars" movie.

Cousin Radul, meanwhile, has put together a new calendar for my shop featuring such past survivors as Richard Hatch, Brandon Quinton, and John Carroll. It has not sold, and many of the tribal elders are eyeing my shop quite suspiciously. I must ask Radul to remove them before we get into any trouble.

This week, Cousin Hassim and I are proceeding with our plans for "Survivor: The Sahara." Cousin Hassim's idea is to introduce the contestants to the desert by dragging them through the sand on a rope attached to the bumper of a Humvee. He has been watching too many reruns of "Rat Patrol" on the HDTV. We have, however, put the word out about our endeavor, and have been receiving applications from all over the Sinai Peninsula. Five, so far!! One from a one-armed camel trader, two from out-of-work fig farmers, and three from aspiring actresses. What is it with these actresses? We are hoping for a few more questionnaires to come in, because right now the camel trader is our only qualified applicant.

Last week on "Survivor: Vanuatu", Brady was sent home (oh, now stop it, Ismira!) as his teammates all conspired against him. The men continued their humiliating tradition of losing to the women, and Probst is getting tired of it. The elder men continue to dominate the strategy, if not the challenges. On the female side of things, Lisa has hopped bedmates faster than Bill Clinton, and the fallout from that is still happening. According to the previews, there's a "whole lot of shakin' goin' on." Maybe something will happen to boost Ismira's foul mood; let's get started!

It's morning at Lopevi, Day 12. After voting Brady off the night before, the men's attention turns to more important matters, such as who gets to sleep by the warm side of the fire. Chad complains all he gets is the smokey side, and the release he signed with CBS doesn't cover death by smoke inhalation or lung cancer. The men decide to play "Roll Over, Roll Over" until one falls out. Bubba says he's getting tired of living with these men. Cousin Hassim suggests the solution of "voting his sorry butt off the island."

To break the tedium, a Vanuatu canoe appears on the horizon. To the men's surprise, it is not Jeff Probst coming to taunt them further. Instead, he has sent a local native who is a dead ringer for "Mr. T", with feathers. To Ismira's dismay, it is not Dah. The man babbles on and on in his native tongue, asking for the chief, the chief. I am thinking the chief is still back at the village from Episode 1, wondering how the heck Brady climbed that pole, anyway.

Eventually, the men realize that Mr. T is asking them to SELECT a chief for their tribe. Thinking that this leader will be taken away and subjected to cruel and unspeakable punishments, they quickly thrust Sarge forward. Fearing the inevitable, Sarge begins to strip naked when the native places a medallion around his neck and gives him an ornate stick with which to beat his fellow men into submission. The canoe takes off again, leaving the men staring dumbfounded on the beach.

Cousin Radul, with his impeccable eye for fashion, notices that Sarge was wearing the medallion in the scene PRIOR to receiving it from the native. Aha, Evil Mark Burnett! We have found you out!! You are fooling the rest of the world with your vicious, capitalist editing tricks!! You Westerners... Okay, time to stop ranting. Mr. T has arrived at the next stop on his tour, the Yasur camp.

The women, being the holistic thinkers that they are, more quickly comprehend what the overdressed Vanuatu warrior is trying to tell them. Since this is not a challenge that seems to require any real SKILL, they choose Scout again. She receives her medallion and her stick. Mr. T takes his leave, amid cries of "Thanks!", "Have a nice day!" and Lisa hollering, "How's ya mama 'n them?"

After the mysterious visitor leaves, both tribes face an unusual twist as Jeff Probst orders an earthquake to shake things up around camp. The Americans, unaccustomed to such things as desert sinkholes, sandstorms, locust swarms, and Beruit city potholes, are frightened and shocked at the ground rumbling beneath their feet. A few, including my beloved Twila, seem to enjoy the unexpected ride.

As the two teams stumble their way to the next Reward challenge, Probst has more devious mayhem in store for them. The two people with the sticks get to re-divide the teams! Cousim Hassim is furious at this turn of events. He has wanted the men to completely obliterate the women (except for Brady, of course) and is so angry he storms outside the tent. After shooting three of Honest Omar's camels, he feels somewhat better and returns to watch the show.

He has missed a thrilling game of rock-paper-scissors, and watching Scout divide the teams according to astrological sign and general psychic aura. On one side there is Chad, Julie, Chris, Twila, and Little John. On the other side is Bubba, Rory, Eliza, Leanne, and Ami. Lisa is left alone, forgotten and thinking she is going home. Sarge wisely chooses the team that already has a majority of men, further adding to the testosterone count, while Scout will go with Ami's team. See, Radul, there is still a chance!! Jeff mercifully lets Lisa remain in the game, and she wisely chooses the team with most of her former tribemates on it. The two teams essentially remain the same, with Bubba and Rory switching with Twila and Julie.

Onto the challenge. The winning team will receive a trip to a waterfall, a can of potato chips, and a bottle of beer. To prove just what a cruel son-of-a-djinn he is, Probst gives each team ONE chip to split among them. After this macabre fast-food communion, it's time to compete.

This challenge is one we cannot copy on "Survivor: The Sahara." The teams must dive underwater to retreive markers attached to a rope. The teams dive into the water and stay relatively close until Chris decides he will botch ANOTHER challenge and drops his marker into the abyss at the ocean floor. Rory, however, is diving and swimming for all he's worth. I am impressed with his ability, but Ismira remarks, "He's no Osten." This Osten must be an incredible water challenge threat!

Bubba, the non-swimmer, is sitting out this challenge, and Lisa is never seen getting into the water. She is afraid her "personal flotation devices" might hamper her ability to stay underwater. The game continues as Lopevi slowly pulls ahead. Chris redeems himself by grabbing several markers, and finally comes up with the winning piece!

Lopevi heads to the waterfall and their picnic. Sarge, in an obvious attempt to get a promotional gig with Pringle's after "Survivor" is over, raves on and on about how good the potato chips are. Nobody mentions the beer. It looks like the kind Radul makes from vinegar and goat manure. No wonder they didn't comment.

Twila, more animated than we've seen her recently, is enjoying herself immensely. She is getting buddy-buddy with Sarge, who has given her the chief necklace. She likes Chris, who has a job like hers fixing potholes. Maybe they could both come to Beruit when this is all over! The entire co-ed Lopevi tribe takes a group shower under the waterfall. Radul begins singing "A Hundred Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" until Cousin Hassim grazes his left ear with a bullet.

At the Yasur camp, Rory and Bubba realize they are in the minority in their new tribe. Rory also realizes he's black, which doubles his minority status. If he is voted off, he vows to call Johnny Cochran. To impress the women, they lift logs and do other obvious manly stuff. The women feed them, but then the men get back to work. The women seem to be enjoying the men, except for Ami. Privately, she says she'll stick with girls. Ismira says the obvious irony of this statement is lost on me. Ami and Lisa have a brief debate over showing the men "their cocunuts." Cousin Radul is giggling uncontrollably. THIS joke, I understand.

Bubba says that he is nervous being around all these women. Apparently, as a child, he was traumatized by the ocean AND his sister. He says that all it will take is one wrong move and the women will vote him out. Ismira's expression changes, and she begins whispering, "Foreshadowing... Foreshadowing..." I think she's beginning to come around!

It's time for the next challenge; this one for the Immunity tiki stick thing. Various parts of an outrigger canoe are hidden in the forest. The teams must find them, untie them, and bring them onto the beach to assemble them. Then, they are to paddle out, retreive a flag, and head back to shore.

Bubba is not listening to the instructions. He is trying to signal and whisper to his friend Chris. The only problem is that Chris is on the OTHER team. Does anybody else but me see this as the potential "one wrong move" he was talking about only minutes earlier? Ismira's intuition is never wrong! Ami watches with disgust as he tries to communicate, and I can imagine the little cartoon daggers flaring from her eye sockets.

But wait; Probst has already shouted, "GO!!" The teams rush into the trees to find their canoe pieces. The teams collect the outrigger frameworks and paddles very close to each other, but when they head in to collect their last piece, Rory's world falls apart. His fat fingers can't seem to untie the 143 knots that hold the rope in place. Little John's slender girly fingers, however, fly through the knots and his team is off and running. Probst continues to make fun of Rory as he tries using his teeth to bite through the knots. Ismira is shaking her head, mumbling, "Poor Ethan."

Lopevi builds their canoe ages ahead of Yasur, but Little John and Chad can't seem to steer it once they get to the water. That's okay; Yasur can't get theirs INTO the water right, as they take out a sign or two in the process. For the next several minutes, both boats wander around the lagoon like Israel in the desert.

Eventually, Lopevi stumbles upon their flag and despite Little John's best efforts to throw the challenge, make it back to the beach ahead of Yasur. Lopevi celebrates their victory as Sarge begins chanting something in the Vanuatu language he obviously picked up from Mr. T. Probst gleefully insults Rory's Boy Scout Skills and Ami and Bubba's navigation skills as he reminds them that they're heading to Tribal Council.

Upon returning home, Ami immediately confronts Bubba about his behavior at the challenge. Not the terrible paddling part, but the signals to Chris. Bubba privately admits that what he did was a risk, and he might have been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Ismira responds with a "Duh!!!" Ami then proceeds to tell all the other women about his transgression. And Bill O'Reilly thinks HE made a mistake!!

The women discuss the wisdom of voting off another man with more physical challenges ahead. Eliza suggests voting Ami instead, but they eventually decide Ami is actually more of a man than Bubba. As the tribe prepares for Tribal Council, Rory and Bubba pray together. It sounds like they are thanking their God for their time on the island, but what they are actually thinking is, "Please, Lord, let it be him, not me!" They pat each other on the back, secretly searching for a soft spot in which to plunge the knife later.

Upon their arrival at Tribal Council, Probst asks them the obvious questions about men versus women, tribe unity, when is Rory finally going home, etc. The women respond with a variety of answers, with Ami tattling again about Bubba and Chris. Bubba admits his mistake as Rory smiles. In his mind, he is dancing the "It's not me!" dance around the fire pit. Probst asks them if there's any remorse in voting off an innocent man, and the concensus is basically NO. Such cruel and heartless women; I am getting excited!

Probst asks each man why they should be kept. Bubba says he can't swim. He must have misunderstood the question. Rory says he gives 110 percent. He should be kept for his work ethic, if not for his math skills. He mentions something about taking lumps; after all, October IS Breast Cancer Awareness Month. With that, it's time to vote...

Bubba and Rory each vote for the other; so much for praying together. The votes are tallied and Bubba's wrong move has cost him the game; 6-1. Ismira is encouraged to see that one of the people responsible for Brady's demise has paid the ultimate price. She begins singing "Kiss Him Goodbye" as Bubba takes the walk of shame. Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey... Goodbye!

Next week... Rory is complaining to his new tribemates. Who would have seen that coming? And at Lopevi, Julie is lounging around in the nude. Allah help us; we will have to watch this episode with our eyes shut! Oh well, I must see about purchasing some "Bob Barker" T-shirts for my shop...

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com