Middle East Guide To Survivor:
Episode 3: "Men Are From Mars, Women Talk Too Much"

by Honest Achmed

Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

My tent is quickly becoming a "Survivor" hotspot! This American phenomenon is spreading across my portion of the Sahara, and everyone is looking to me, Honest Achmed, Arabian Master of Merchandise, to help them. It's time for another episode of this insane melodrama unfolding in the South Pacific, and my clan is ready to offer our comments and insights!

My tent was not large enough to hold all of the desert dwellers who have been wanting to see the show (I am but a humble merchant), so I have been running cable across the sands to the tents of my fellow tribesmen. At Ismira's suggestion, we have started "Honest Achmed's Pay-Per-View" of Survivor. I am giving Ismira half of the proceeds of the weekly telecast, while I am keeping the money from all the televisions I have been selling in my shop. Praise be to Allah that the American FCC laws do not apply here!

Ismira, my fourth wife, is our clan's reigning "Survivor" expert. This week, she is taking all the money she has been earning and has discovered something called "online betting." She has wagered huge sums of money that her favorite player, Brady, will ultimately will the competition. Cousin Hassim, the black sheep of my clan, does not like the FBI agent. He is wagering equal amounts of money that Brady will die a cruel, horrible death. Where he gets the money to bet, I dare not ask. Cousin Radul, on the other hand, has bet 5 denarii that Scout and Ami will "hook up." What he thinks they will hook up on this island is beyond me. Apparently, one can bet on just about anything!

Over the night, as we were preparing our new network of satellite dishes and cables, a terrible sandstorm hit the area. We were in danger of losing our satellite signal, and my fortune was about to be ruined. Even worse, Radul was about to miss "Jerry Springer!" Like a man possessed, Radul braved the rigors of the blowing wind and loaded my main satellite dish onto the back of his camel. Together, they found a sheltered spot and Radul set the antenna in place. The signal cleared just in time for him to watch Springer host "Mothers and Daughters: Or Are They?" If the tribal elders find out about this, I am a dead man...

Last week, on "Survivor: Vanuatu", the men finally won their long-awaited flint, and no longer have to start each day rubbing their hands together to start a fire. The elder men's alliance is dominant, but cracks may be forming as Rory continues to gripe about the color of the sky, among other things. On the women's side, Eliza broke away from the "Puberty Posse" and voted to oust Dolly. There is much debate in my tent as to the wisdom of this move. Eliza managed to deflect the vote away from herself, but may have alienated her younger sorority sisters in the process. She is left with an alliance that has already expressed a strong desire to vote HER out. As the ancient proverb states, "May you live in interesting times." My pay-per-view fortune awaits; let's get started!!

Three of the survivors (whom I do not recognize) are walking through the forest, having recovered their lost radio. They are discussing what type of mysterious, invisible animal had just killed the pilot of their airplane. Wait a minute... Radul, this is the wrong channel!!! Switch to the other network!! Sorry, wrong "Survivor" show. Although the idea of putting the contestants on an island with strange, deadly creatures is certainly a twist Mark Burnett should consider for next season. It would certainly cut down on the need for those pesky Tribal Councils!

Okay, here we are. These are the fat, lazy Americans I have come to know and love. It's nighttime after the Tribal Council where dearly departed Dolly was sent home. Eliza tells us the blatantly obvious fact that she voted with the older members in order to save her own sorry hide. Mia and Julie are upset with her for her vote. Eliza tries to explain, but the other two will have none of it.

Day 7 dawns on the victorious men at Lopevi. For a change, we do not see them trying to start a fire. Apparently, they are still working on shelter, because Sarge is cutting all the building materials too short. Barking orders at the bamboo has little effect. Ismira says Boston Rob would NEVER have cut the bamboo too short. Perhaps I shall call this Rob person to expand my tent for next week's telecast. I hope he is local.

Rory, however, is not helping with the shelter. He is the hunter-gatherer in this bamboo-cutting tribe, and is off by himself again. Ismira says maybe he is looking for "beef jerky", but he manages to find some citrus fruit instead. Let's see... plantains, chickens, oranges; these people are eating better than half my tribe! Upon his return to camp, Sarge sees if he responds to orders any better than the bamboo. He confronts Rory about his "reasonable breaks" and Rory shows him the oranges. Sarge stops in his tracks, says, "Cool!" and the men eat.

Privately, Rory tells us that his buttocks region is all grown up, and because of this condition, he doesn't take orders well. Cousin Hassim begins ranting about throwing off "The Man." I am not sure to what man he is referring; there are several remaining on the island. Personally, I do not believe this is a good attitude in a game about social skills. See, I am catching on!!

Watching this exchange, Big John sees Rory's blunder as well, and decides this is his best opportunity to work his way into the elder men's alliance. I believe this to be a reasonable strategy, but Ismira says it will never happen. I have bet her a new bellydancing outfit if she is correct and I am not. Either way, I win!

At the Yasur camp, we see Twila sharpening a machete with the theme from "Psycho" playing in the background. Ismira begins chanting, "Matt-hew! Matt-hew!" Julie begins wondering if maybe, just maybe, they should do something like, possibly, WORK. Not all at once, mind you, but on a rotation schedule. Also, she contemplates this breakthrough idea while relaxing in Yasur's new hammock.

Just mentioning the word "work" is enough to set Mia off and running. She begins ranting and raving against Twila for working too hard. Hey lady, lay off Honest Achmed's woman Twila! Apparently, Twila's comments at last night's Tribal Council were a little too honest. Mia can't have any of that!! She rants how she works hard, too. I am thinking how I will recommend her to Cousin Radul's therapist to work through her denial issues. Twila continues to patiently sharpen the machete. In her anger, Mia cannot see the eventual outcome of this altercation. Cousin Hassim can, and is eagerly awaiting the inevitable. However, we go to commercial before Hassim can see any bloodshed.

Still at Yasur, Eliza is involved in what you Americans refer to as "severe damage control." She tries to convince Lisa, Mia, and Julie that even though she sided with the others, voted against them, kept secrets from them, and numerically destroyed their chances of progressing further in this game, she is actually really on their side, honest. We see no pinky-swearing this time, though, so we cannot really be sure. Mia is still so mad at Twila for telling the truth, that she decides to believe Eliza. Lisa, on the other hand, is not so sure. I guess with age DOES come wisdom, even for a cheerleader. She admits to having a backup plan. Ismira says this has "foreshadowing" written all over it. I didn't think I even had the closed-captioning feature turned on.

The two tribes are assembled for a challenge on this same day. This is certainly unusual. The game consists of three gates the teams must work through. The first is held in place with a series of knots. The second requires throwing hooks to retrieve keys to unlock padlocks. The third gate is opened by solving a sliding bar puzzle. Of course, Jeff Probst neglects to mention that the teams could simply walk AROUND each gate, so "thinking out of the box" is out of the question this time.

The men look to see who has been voted out of the most recent Tribal Council, but can't figure it out. Obviously, most of these are MARRIED guys. Probst finally tells them "Dolly" and they say "who?" Sarge finally gets it, saying, "Barbie's gone." Mattel is sueing him for defamation of their toy's good name.

Probst also shocks the survivors by telling them that there will be TWO Tribal Councils tonight, only one day after the last one. Jaws drop (with accompanying sound effects) while Eliza moans like a goat in heat. I guess she hasn't done enough damage control yet. Probst tells them the winners of the first event will get a spear and other fishing equipment. Ismira asks if the spear comes with a "fat, jolly pirate." She tells me that if I lose our bet, the outfit I buy for her must be tye-died. I think I am getting a headache.

The game begins. I am thinking that this challenge will not be nearly as entertaining as the "get blindfolded and run into things" challenge, but I am quickly proven wrong. The men begin untying their knots in a logical, orderly fashion while the women attack the gate en masse. As the men finish their first gate, the women discover that some are accidentally re-tieing knots that have just been untied. The women struggle while the men move on to the grappling hooks.

Big John, to his credit, tries to even the odds by completely throwing away one of his grappling hooks, but the men quickly hook their three keys. Scout again shows her challenge skills by performing a cowboy lasso show with her rope instead of getting keys. Probst insults her appropriately. The men are already halfway through the sliding bar puzzle before the women get their keys. Even then, they can't make the keys work in the padlocks. Before they know it, the men (in typical "let's inflict pain upon ourselves" fashion) have thrown each other through the final gate and win the game.

The men then play for individual immunity. Ladder rungs are hidden in the sand, and the first man to find them and build a ladder wins the game. GO!!! Chad and Little John get off to an early lead, finding several peices. I laugh as Brady gently sifts the sand throughout the whole area, as if the pieces are not really buried like Probst said. I laugh further as Rory begins digging in the sand with his feet.

Chad and Little John both have all their ladder pieces. Chad, however, never mastered "Tab A into Slot B" training in elementary school, and Little John pulls ahead and wins the race! I must admit, I may have underestimated this young man. I shall have to watch him more closely.

As Probst gives him a necklace to wear signifying his immunity from tonight's vote, he says "Oh, and one more thing..." Ismira freezes and holds her breath. Little John can spend the afternoon in the women's camp and then decide to give his necklace to one of the players after his Tribal Council. In my culture, this would signify their marriage vows, but I do not think it means that here. Ismira says the last time a team took home a John from a challenge, Big Tom wore it on his head. I must meet this "Big Tom."

Back at the Yasur camp, Little John immediately divides the females into the two opposing voting blocs. He asks them, very politely, to begin talking bad about one another. To my entire clan's utter surprise, they obey his every wish and start tearing each other to shreds!! Now, don't get me wrong; we Middle Eastern men like our women obedient, but in this strategic situation, it is virtually a suicide move to reveal all your inner politics to a member of the enemy! Ismira says it's ironic that LITTLE JOHN is the one who claims to have never seen "Survivor" before!

Along the way, Little John meets... Eliza. She talks his ears off with the "we voted off Dolly" group, then follows him along the beach (still talking) where he meets with the "we didn't vote for Dolly" group (still talking) then inserts herself into this conversation as well (still talking) where Little John discovers who each side wants to vote out tonight (still talking). Did I mention she never stopped talking the entire time?

Little John realizes the best thing he can do is sit back and let this estrogen-laden camp self destruct. He doesn't want them mad at HIM. I hereby take back anything negative I have said about Little John. Although he is on the losing alliance back at his own camp and may not last much longer, he played this episode extremely well. Kudos from Honest Achmed!!

Speaking of the men's camp... Brady and Big John realize their only hope of survival is to drive a wedge between Sarge and Rory. Ismira is shaking her head. They talk to Sarge about how Rory is actually the devil incarnate, and Sarge seems to listen with an open mind. Sarge then relates this to Chris, who insists that their best move is to stay together, including Rory. I am thinking I owe Ismira a new tie-dyed dress.

With that, it's time for our first Tribal Council of the evening. The men enter, and Probst grills them with the standard questions like, "How are you doing?" Chad responds with, "Fine; how YOU doin'?" Brady uses this opportunity to suck up to Sarge, saying what a really, really, really nice guy he is. Little John tells the other men of his triumph in the women's camp. As he relates his story, the men laugh and are as amazed as my clan that the women would do this. Probst says that maybe Little John isn't a moron after all.

The men vote, and as the votes are read, it is official; Ismira is getting a new dress. The elder men stuck together, and with a 5-3 margin, they voted out Big John. Brady's sucking up to Sarge seemed to work. Big John gives some final remarks about how he wasn't really outwitted, outplayed, or outlasted. He is currently scheduled for denial therapy with Mia. Excuse me, but being voted out is the very definition of being outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted! Cousin Hassim is calling him all manner of vulgar names as he leaves.

Little John stays behind as the men head back to camp. The women enter, and Little John decides to give his necklace to Ami. Good thing it doesn't mean what it means in my culture; Little John would be in for a surprise! He says he did it because Ami was in no danger, and he wanted to let the tribe self-destruct naturally. Smart move, Little John!

The women's Tribal Council proves to be much more interesting than the men's. The women relate the fight between Twila and Mia. Mount Mama Mia begins erupting again, and it's just too bad Twila didn't bring the machete with her. Cousin Hassim would have finally been satisfied! Evidently, Mia and Julie's major gripe is that Twila doesn't spend "quality time" with them. Okay, everyone, time for a group hug. After Ami diplomatically arranges hair and spa appointments for them, that seems to settle the issue temporarily.

Probst asks them how they will be voting. Like he won't be finding out in a few minutes anyway! Scout says she's voting out the most troublesome person. Mia almost gets up and leaves right then, but we have to go through with the formality of the vote. The women vote, and Jeff promptly reads them. Mia is doing the "I have to go to the bathroom" jig the whole time, while Twila (oh, my Twila) is taking it stoically. The votes come out 5-3 against Mia; somebody jumped off the Good Ship Lollipop again! Eliza looks at the others as if to say, "It wasn't me! Really!!" Lisa is sitting very, very still. It looks like Ismira's "foreshadowing" has come to pass.

In Mia's final words, she says Twila doesn't have social skills, Twila is not a good player, Twila had a space alien's baby, etc. I am thinking that if Mia's social skills were so good, she'd still be in the game! Schedule more time with the therapist!

Next week, Eliza and Julie are mad at Lisa for turning mature on them all of a sudden. At the men's camp, Brady is trying to desperately salvage his position in the game. For Ismira's sake, I certainly hope he does. Well, I'm off to buy that dress!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com