Middle East Guide To Survivor:
Episode 2: "Blah, Blah, Black Sheep"

by Honest Achmed

Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

I must admit, my clan is hooked. It is again Friday morning, Middle Eastern time, and again my tent is full of those wishing to watch this insane, yet somehow strangely addictive, television show called "Survivor: Vanuatu." Once again, I, Honest Achmed, Salesman of the Sahara, am here to provide you with the commentary and insights that only one of my people can provide. We'll see if these crazy Americans can do any better this week, or will the diabolical host Jeff Probst continue to gleefully wreak havoc on their pathetic existence?

Everyone is making their own preparations. Ismira, my fourth wife and longtime "Survivor" fan, has procured more of these cloths known as "buffs." She has set about decorating my favorite camel! I hold my tongue; if Honest Omar sees this, I will be the laughingstock of my tribe and I will have to shoot the camel. However, Ismira is now wearing her buff across her midsection as she learned by watching the American women last week. I am not displeased with this, and I may even have Ismira purchase some for my other wives. Cousin Radul has obtained one as well, but is wearing his as a loincloth. This disturbs me...

Cousin Radul has just discovered that our wide-screen HDTV has a feature called "picture-in-picture." We can watch two American television shows at once!! Yamiin, my third wife and the most stable of my clan, says this is excess, and we must be careful not to succumb to these Western vices. However, I don't see her averting her eyes when Survivor Brady takes his shirt off! Anyway, Cousin Radul is insisting we watch some new show he has discovered about a group of men helping another man to become stylish. I forget the name, but we have since disabled that feature of our television.

Cousin Hassim and I continue to work on ideas for "Survivor: The Sahara." Right now, he has shown me his idea for a challenge involving throwing scimitars, locusts, and four gallons of petroleum jelly. I do not want to think about this one... I have already quashed his idea for burying the Survivors in the sand and letting fire ants attack them! He is eagerly awaiting this new episode; I have not seen him this excited since Yasser Arafat spoke at his Rotary Club meeting!

I, on the other hand, am developing a line of "Survivor: The Sahara" action figures. They will be available in my shop soon!

Well, enough of this foolishness. Some thoughts from last week... Apparently, our dearly departed Brook created an alliance with two significant flaws. One, he didn't keep it secret enough; and two, the alliance only had three people in it! Now, that alliance is down to two (can it even be called an alliance any more?) and Ismira's boy toy Brady has shown himself to be out of the loop by casting a wasted vote. I have seen enough clan politics to know that all these things spell trouble. On the women's side, we see a puberty / menopause split developing, with some of the players stuck in the middle. No one on Yasur has had to officially choose sides yet for a vote; will that happen tonight? I am as anxious as an Imam in Mecca; let's get started!!

It's morning, Day 4. The men of Lopevi are staring at an empty fire pit. Perhaps they have some superpowers we are not aware of, and by sheer concentration, sparks will ignite. To no one's suprise, this does not happen, and the men are feeling so low they could eat worms. So they do. After their delicious subterranean snack, they decide that they don't have quite enough blisters yet, so they return to the tried and true method that worked so well a couple of days earlier. Despite everyone's best efforts to quench it, a fire almost starts. Ismira says that this would have been a Survivor first, actually starting a fire by rubbing wood together. Who are these people, and from what country club do they come?

Chris complains that this environment is very tough. Cousin Hassim begins making obscene gestures at the television set. I am afraid I agree with Hassim. This is only day 4! Four days without water in the Sahara leaves a man dead and shriveled; Chris definitely does not look shriveled. We shall see in time.

Over at the Yasur camp, Lisa is leading the others in the building of a cheerleading pyramid. No, wait, they are attempting to climb a tree to harvest some not-yet-ripe plantains. Lisa shimmies up the tree (having watched Brady, I am sure) while wielding a machete with one hand. Her, shall we say, "womanly charms" are jostling as she climbs. I am thinking to myself, please be careful. One careless swipe of that machete and there will be silicone everywhere!

Members of the "Puberty Posse" are spending the day complaining about the horrible living conditions. Eliza moans and complains about how this is like a prison. Right, it's Abu Ghraib all over again! Mia Whatever-Her-Last-Name-Is whines that this is "a thousand times harder" than she expected. Apparently, she thought she had signed up for "The Bachelor." My wife Yamiin scoffs, and says obviously the woman has never given birth. Score one point for Yamiin!

Allah then curses these ungrateful females by causing maggots to suddenly infest their newly-harvested plantains. However, these maggots have already been boiled, so really they're nothing more than nutritious garnish. Still, many of the women are repulsed. Twila the "Eunnuch-Maker" continues to munch 'n crunch while Dolly has a nervous breakdown. Much hugging and female-type-stuff ensues. Twila simply says these girls should go back to the Holiday Inn or stop complaining. Hands down, Twila is my favorite female contestant. (Note to self: Check to see if Twila is married. She would be perfect for keeping my other wives in line!)

Over at Lopevi, Bubba and Big John are apparently walking back from the bathroom together (I though only women did that). Big John asks if his name came up before Tribal Council. Bubba, in a brilliant stalling move, says, "You mean, this last one?" Excuse me, how many Tribal Councils have there been? The two men argue briefly about game strategy, with Big John apparently not grasping the concept that the point of this game is to ELIMINATE people.

We move ahead to another competition. This one has two narrow beams suspended out from the beach over the water. With an evil grin, Jeff Probst explains the rules. One by one, the contestants must pass each other on the beams to the finish platform. The first team to complete all members wins. More balancing!!! This does not bode well for our friend Chris. Ismira is at the rear of the tent doing the "Church Lady" dance.

The game begins. Ismira stops dancing long enough to watch as a shirtless Brady embraces seven other sweaty men on his way to the finish platform. The women begin moving against each other on the beam as well, hugging, grabbing and rubbing various body parts against one another. Cousin Radul excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

John K., or "Little John", evidently misinterprets this as an aquatic version of "King of the Sand Dune," and manages to throw almost every single one of his teammates into the water as he works his way past them. Probst keeps making him start over, and the women steadily increase their lead. Last onto the platform, Mia does a victory shimmy-move across the beam onto the platform. Has she been taking lessons from Ismira? Once again, the women of Yasur claim the victory. They take home a hammock, some pillows, and some blankets as a reward. Probst, showing his delightfully darker side, taunts the men with a flint, but won't let them have it.

Back at camp, Rory complains that he didn't like the dance that Twila was doing. The men say is wasn't Twila. Trust them, they say; if Twila had done that dance, they would ALL be complaining. Rory is still very upset at the women's taunting, and storms off to be alone. Ismira says he wouldn't be complaining if someone named "Ghandia" had done that dance. She then begins singing "Baby Got Back" until the commercial break is over.

A new day dawns, and the women are busy cooking when a wild chicken strays into camp. Obviously, no one has told the chicken that these women are starving. Lisa, the Great Plantain Hunter, grabs the trusty machete and begins stalking the fleeing poultry into the forest. We laugh as we watch nine women try to outsmart one chicken. Eventually, they track their prey to its lair, and discover it has laid several eggs. Although the chicken gets away, the women grab the eggs. Without even a thought to the whole pro-life / pro-choice debate, they throw the eggs into boiling water to cook them.

Dolly, apparently, has spent too much time near sheep and is in desperate need of someone to talk to. She begins talking to everyone about who people are thinking of voting for. The expression "showing all your cards" comes to mind. She tells Twila that she was being considered, and the two agree to vote for Eliza. They pinky-swear on it. I'm sure THAT will hold for a long time... Twila cautions Dolly to be quiet and not blab the plan to everyone. Will Dolly take this advice? Probably not.

With that, it's time for another challenge. Torturing of the Survivors is taken to a new level as the teams are blindfolded and then tied together in small groups. I believe Hamas used to do this back in the eighties. With one person as their guide, they must search for puzzle pieces on land and in the water. Sending blindfolded people into the water? I am loving this! Where are the sharks? Once all the puzzle pieces are collected, the first team to complete their puzzles will win Immunity from tonight's vote.

Sarge is the caller for Lopevi. That makes sense. Scout is the caller for Yasur. That does not. Why not choose the player already recognized as having the biggest mouth? Instead, Eliza is blindfolded. Sarge begins barking very precise orders, like "9 o'clock!! Four paces!! Stop!" while Scout hollers out directions like, "Well, it's right over there..."

Much mayhem ensues. Teams slam into each other and trip over branches. Eliza has a close encounter with a puzzle piece and gives herself a hysterectomy. Twila goes head-on with a huge Tiki statue. I think the statue lost! The men gain a respectable lead. If they don't do something quick, they may win! Rory tries chanting to throw off Sarge's calling, but then remembers that they WANT to win. Oops, sorry. The men get all their puzzle pieces first, then go on to complete the puzzles and win the challenge! Sarge celebrates by doing some vaguely lude dance / gesture thing. Cousin Hassim wants to go "upside Ismira's head." I don't know what this means.

The men finally get their flint, and the women are sent back to camp to wallow in self-pity. At the Yasur camp, Dolly continues her blab-a-thon. She is unsure of which person to vote for, Eliza or Leanne? She tells everyone of her dilemma, including the chicken in the forest. Talking this much in any game involving strategy is NEVER a good move.

When Ami, Leanne and Scout get word that Leanne is being considered as a possible boot, they are understandably upset. Talking with Eliza, they concoct a plan to boot Dolly instead. Eliza is unsure, but wisely decides to keep HER mouth shut for a change.

It's time for Tribal Council. Probst gives them the speech about "fire being life." I don't know; where I come from, WATER is life. Anyway, he tries to throw blame at Scout for screwing up the challenge, but she expertly deflects his question. Twila says that four of the tribemates have been working, but the others are working "in their own areas." I guess she means the areas of exfoliation, sunbathing, and the ever-important swimsuit competition.

Probst asks Dolly about the vote. As she drones on and on about how she is the important swing vote and how everyone loves her, I am envisioning a huge sign above her head that reads "Clueless! Clueless!" To shut her up, they begin voting. Not a lot is said during voting, so we'll see what happens. The votes are read...

The first three are for Leanne, as she hangs her head. Mia and Julie are looking smug. Then, a vote for Dolly. Mia and Julie look puzzled. Eliza is keeping her mouth shut. Another vote for Dolly. Mia looks back at Julie, "HUH?" Lisa is beginning to look nervous. As the third vote for Dolly is read, Mia is wetting her pants. Eliza has puppy-dog eyes, but is wisely still keeping her mouth shut.

The final vote is 5-4; Dolly is going home. I guess Eliza just couldn't stand someone talking more than her. However, this intelligent girl just aligned herself with a group that already doesn't like her, when she could've kept the "Puberty Posse" together. Maybe not the smartest move...

Next week; Mia is upset (probably because she wet her pants at Tribal Council). Twila has had enough of it. Catfight! Catfight! On the men's side, Rory is upset about something, again. Some people never learn when to shut up!!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed
Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com