Middle East Guide To Survivor:
Episode 1: "Up the Shaft, Across the Shaft, Getting the Shaft"

by Honest Achmed

Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

The big day has finally arrived! I, Honest Achmed, entrepreneur of all things legal and otherwise, trader of the desert sands, am preparing to give you my Middle Eastern view on this American phenomenon called "Survivor." I have gathered my wives and cousins in my humble tent (the one with the satellite dish on top) and we are eagerly awaiting the adventures of these crazy Americans!

Cousin Radul is busy positioning the satellite dish. Earlier, he spent hours moving it about, finally managing to tune in to something called "Will & Grace." We let him watch for a while, but I will have to talk to some of the tribal elders about his rather erratic behavior. Wait a minute... Radul, that's not "Survivor", that's Ellen DeGeneres!!! Hopefully, he will have the dish oriented in time for the show. If he does not, I will suggest that his hands be cut off.

Ismira, my fourth wife, is excited beyond belief. For those of you who don't know Ismira, she has been a secret "Survivor" fan for years, and finally gets to see an episode instead of reading about it on the Internet. She has been dancing around the sand dunes all afternoon in unadulterated joy. A band of wandering nomads paused for a while to watch her dance, but when she started doing something she calls the "Big Tom", their camels fled into the wilderness. I am obliged to offer them some of mine in repayment. I shall have to speak with Ismira about this.

My fourth wife has also replaced her customary veil with an unusual piece of cloth she refers to as a "buff." Apparently, Ismira has been experimenting with the capitalist concept of "Internet Shopping." She says my business would do better if I used something called "Eebaye." I told her I don't smoke anything that is not grown in the Middle East. I also told her that this new cloth "buff" was not flattering, but she will not take it off until I buy her some peanut butter and chocolate. I must admit, I am confused by this.

Yamiin, my third wife, has been working in the tent, preparing food for us all day. Roasted lamb, pomegranate, cous-cous; the buffet she prepares is the best in the Third World! Yamiin is also the one who keeps me in line when I become irate at the fat, lazy, American pigs... See what I mean? If not for her, I might turn into Cousin Hassim!

Speak of the djinn, Cousin Hassim has just skulked into the tent. He expressed no interest in watching this event with us until he heard Ismira telling tales of "lying, backstabbing, stealing, and genuine nastiness." Now, he sits in front of the HDTV at the rear end of the tent, rubbing his hands like a small child and carrying a piece of paper with which to take notes. Please, no one tell Hassim that the ban on assault weapons has just been lifted... Allah, I am surrounded by the infirmed!

Finally, Radul has gotten the satellite dish into place (after a brief stop for a "Rosie O'Donnell" rerun), and the television signal is clear. Everyone has settled onto the floor with their bowls of dried dates, ready to watch. Away we go!!

The show's opening sequence looks promising. Lots of shots of fiery volcanoes. Pictures of fat, lazy Americans grimacing in pain. I am liking this already. Jeff Probst is standing on the rim of a volcano, snubbing his nose at nature. He is already my favorite character so far.

On with the game... The eighteen survivors are on a yacht, off the coast of one of the islands of Vanuatu, gawking at the dark-skinned natives on the shoreline. The natives, surprisingly, are gawking back. The natives, however, are ARMED. With a shout, they board their little wooden boats and rush out to meet the American invaders. But wait, they are only bringing Jeff Probst out to meet the survivors. Oh, what a revered man to merit such an entourage!!

The castaways are thrown into the canoes, and immediately Bubba tips his boat over, throwing his companions into the water. He also admits that he only recently learned how to swim. Ismira is hanging her head in dismay. This does not bode well for the Bob Barker fan. No one else makes a fool of themselves, and the contestants are brought ashore for further humiliation.

Once on land, the natives begin threatening the survivors with spears, ultimately forcing them into groups of men and women. The survivors seem unsure of how to react to this rather shocking development. Cousin Hassim has many suggestions; he is frantically shouting, "Kill them! Kill them!" Once seated, the men are treated with respect, while the women are treated like, well... women. Strangely, the American women do not take kindly to this.

Some of the survivors talk to the television cameras privately during these scenes. Ismira says this is a "confessional." I do not hear the telling of any sins, but nonetheless, it provides insight. Chris says he's glad the tribes are separated into men versus women; it will be easier to outwit a group of men than women. This time, I agree with him. When my wives unite and gang up on me, Allah help me!

A live pig is brought in to be slaughtered. Now this is more like Middle East television! Many contestants are shocked by this, but Dolly seems to take it in stride. Apparently, she slaughters animals on a regular basis. I shall have to watch this woman! The blood is then smeared on the men's faces, and again, the women are forgotten. This time, they don't seem to mind.

The tribal chief orders one of his warriors to place a sacred stone atop a pole greasd in pig fat. Brady, the FBI agent, is ordered to retrieve it. If the men fail, the women will be given the prize by default. It hardly seems fair, but Brady gives it a try. I hold my breath; if the men fail, I will never hear the end of it! To my relief, Brady grunts his way up the pole and grabs the stone on his first try. Upon seeing his muscular arms and legs wrapped tightly around the climbing pole, Ismira is speechless for several minutes.

After much ado, the tribes are named "Yasur" after the volcano and "Lopevi" after... well, they really didn't say. Jeff sends them off to find their camps in the rain, in the dark, with no light, no protection, no map. He is definitely my hero! The newly-formed tribes trudge off in the darkness. To my surprise, even after being told that all they had to do was follow the shore to find a huge flag on the beach, both tribes think they are lost!! I shake my head in disbelief; how would they find their camps in the middle of "Survivor: The Sahara"? Eventually, after much bickering on the part of both tribes, they each find their campsites... exactly where Jeff said they would be! Yasur and Lopevi settle down for the night.

It's now Day 2, and it's time to see how these Americans fare with obtaining the basic necessities of life; shelter, fire, water, food, concubines... The women of Yasur are beginning to construct what appears to be a promising shelter. Some of the women, led by Twila the "Eunnuch-Maker", are hard at work while the "Bowheads"(Scout's word, not mine) are lounging around in the water like my father-in law's harem. Already, this tribe looks to be split along a line of work ethics. Is it only Day 2? Ismira is rolling her eyes. Eliza is worried that not working enough is making her look bad. Yes indeed, her vaunted intellignce is certainly shining though. According to Scout (who is Cousin Radul's favorite), Eliza talks way too much. Yet another sign of extreme intelligence... (Yamiin is stepping in now, I must move on.) My father-in law says it is sometimes better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt. I think he read that in a book somewhere.

Over at Lopevi, the men are trying to start a fire. They are using the time-honored tradition of rubbing sticks together. Unfortunately, this is really only a time-honored tradition for getting blisters. JP, or "Big John," says they had a "Hot Amber" once, but it went away. He says they were excited to see this "Hot Amber." Ismira says if an "Amber" was really there, she could give them strategy suggestions. Ismira is the only one who laughs at this.

At some point during the day, Chad decides the time is right to show the other men his prosthetic leg. He tells them about his cancer, and although they are very supportive, secretly Brady laments that this infirmity could gain him a sympathy vote. I am shouting at the screen, "Don't fall into the Bedouin's trap!" For Ismira's sake, I do not want to see Brady eliminated soon. Brook says that although he respects Chad, he will not hesitate to vote him off when he needs to. Now that is smart thinking.

Both tribes receive poetic messages hinting at a game involving a reward of fire. I am hoping that Jeff Probst will lead them all into the volcano we saw at the beginning of the show, but alas, it was not to be. The tribes meet at a huge obstacle course involving mud, puzzles, balance beams, and fire pits. Apparently, Americans have some fascination with women and mud. Ismira begins giggling, and says the men will never master the balance beam.

The race begins, and soon everyone is through the mud, taking half of it with them. Both teams finish the puzzle portion of the race, and then are off to the balance beams. After a few failed attempts to cross on foot, both teams decide to cross the beams like camels in heat. Most of the teams get across, except for Scout for the women and Chris for the men. Scout, the tribe's eldest member, finally makes it across, losing her top. My religion would normally require me to commit suicide upon viewing a naked female who is not my wife, but Allah spared me by miraculously causing the television to malfunction in just the right spot so that I missed the offending material. Praise be!!

Yasur quickly builds a fire with matches and easily wins the challenge. Chris is still trying to cross the balance beam (still not having mastered the "camel-in-heat" move, apparently.) Yasur wins a flint with which to make fire, and also wins the "Immunity Idol." Not to be confused with the "American Idol," this means they are safe tonight. Lopevi, however, will have to meet Jeff Probst tonight and sacrifice one of their own members.

Back at the men's camp, several members want to sacrifice Chris, because he caused their team to lose. Cousin Hassim thinks he should be castrated. Chris seems confident that he is safe, as drill sergeant Lea reports the "Let's Kill Chris" plan to some of the older tribe members. They decide to target Brook as the younger member they want to sacrifice. They give no reason other than the fact that maybe he has a bad haircut.

The men arrive at Tribal Council, which to my dismay is not built on the rim of the volcano. No throwing someone in tonight!! Cousin Hassim really likes the skulls scattered around the place, though. Jeff Probst prolongs the agony by reminding them of the women's victory, and telling them they will still not get fire after tonight. I can see the evil grin on his face as he does so.

He tries to sway the men's vote by saying things like, "So, Chris, you really screwed up today. I think you should go," and, "Rory, you're the only black guy here. I think you should go, too." The men basically avoid his line of questioning and then it's time to vote. To my surprise, the voting is done in secret. Bah!!! Stand up and proclaim to the world who you hate! Let the infidel know you want him dead! But this is not the way Probst does it. A gleam of compassion stills lies within his otherwise black heart; perhaps in time, he will learn to suppress it.

The men each vote. Their comments are relatively tame (probably because they don't know each other well enough yet) and when Jeff reads the votes, the result is... Rory: 1 vote (probably from Jeff), Chris: 3 (The "Let's Kill Chris" Club), Brook: 5. Brook is brought before the tribe. I am expecting Probst to inflict utter humiliation on the man, but he simply snuffs out his torch with an expensive-looking bottle-opener, and Brook leaves down another path. Rather anticlimactic, I thought. In "Survivor: The Sahara", we will shoot them one by one!

Well, I guess Brook's hockey playing skills didn't do him any good. Next week, Rory is mad about something (the vote he got, maybe?), and more whining, moaning, and complaining in the women's camp. We'll see if Jeff Probst concocts any more devious tortures for the Survivors!

Have to go now... Ismira has been drooling on the floor, and Cousin Hassim is busy designing his own set of Immunity Challenges. Must keep these people in line!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed

Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com