The Middle East Guide to "Survivor: Vanuatu"

by Honest Achmed

Greetings, all of you capitalist American pigs!!

Allow me the pleasure of introducing myself. My name is Honest Achmed; I am but a lowly merchant in the sands of the Middle East. I am what you Americans call an "entrepreneur." You need something, you call Honest Achmed! I'll get it for you! Cars, real estate, surplus equipment, a watertight alibi... you name it. Just last year, I sold pictures of Saddam Hussein's wife... without her veil! Yes, I know, hard to believe; but it's true. I swear on... Well, anyway, just believe me.

My latest shipment of television satellite dishes was an eye-opener. We can get American television now here in the Middle East! Anything is better than Al-Jazeera, I guess. This thing called "Survivor" has begun to interest me. A group of fat, lazy Americans trying to survive in the wilderness makes me laugh. Who said American comedy was dead? Nonetheless, I am hooking up my brand-new 286 computer to my satellite dish and am going to spend this season adding my insights to the game, the players, and offering suggestions to anyone who wants them. All this... free of charge!!! (Just don't tell my cousin Honest Omar...) If Allah permits, let's get started, shall we?

Host Jeff Probst... At first, he seems like a typical Westerner. Small nose, long chin. But on a closer look, he intrigues me. He is a man who loves to torture the contestants under his care. He taunts them, he offers them vague promises of rewards, he gives them cryptic advice that sounds helpful, but actually has no redeeming value. He takes great pride in making others miserable. Above all else, he is not afraid to habitually inflict all manner of physical wounds upon himself. He would be a welcome member of my clan anytime!

Islands of fire... This time around, the contestants shouldn't have any problem getting a campfire started, right? So far, I haven't seen any fire. Where is this fire? All I've seen so far is water, sand, and lush vegetation. The sand, I am familiar with. The rest makes me think of a vacation I once took to Cyprus. So far, I am impressed with the scenery, but am unsure how difficult this will be. Perhaps for Americans... Anyway, my third wife Yamiin says I am being unduly harsh. Please accept my apologies. Maybe next season, I will film "Survivor: The Sahara". We could get Viggo Mortenson and that horse to host... (Note to self: Contact Mark Burnett, secure rights to production before father-in-law in Syria does.)

I have heard many things about the Vanuatu Islands. There is a history of cannibalism; that would make an excellent Reward Challenge. They are near the infamous "Ring of Fire". That means volcanoes. Tribal Council could be built on the rim of the active Yasur volcano, and those who are voted off could walk right down the path into... Hey, this might be an interesting season after all!

There is also "land diving." This is a centuries-old custom that was the precursor to modern-day bungee jumping, another popular American sport I have yet to understand. In my experience, I have seen many people dangling from ropes, but rarely tied at the FEET. Nevertheless, I would enjoy seeing this incorporated into some sort of challenge as well.

My fourth wife Ismira (or concubine? I forget...) informs me that this season will pit the men against the women, at least at the beginning of the game. This is a good thing, as my culture frowns on mixing the sexes. I don't see how a woman can compete with a man, but Ismira tells me that women have actually WON this game five times out of the eight times it has been played! This disturbs my manhood... I shall have to rethink my perceptions about this game!

As it turns out, Ismira has been secretly following "Survivor" for several years over the Internet. How she gets online with her Commodore 64 is beyond me. Anyway, she may be of use in interpreting what goes on in this strange new world, so I will not have her eyes gouged out. (However, this may shed some light on why, in her sleep, she mumbles the ritualistic phrase "Oh, Colby... Oh, Colby...")

Let's move on to the contestants for "Survivor: Vanuatu, Islands of Fire"...

Julie Berry, age 23, Youth Mentor:
Julie is a Native American adopted by a white family and separated from her sister when she was 4 years old. This has CBS "Movie of the Week" written all over it! She worked in the Peace Corps and has worked with troubled teens. These skills might come in handy with troubled Americans. However, I wouldn't want to be in the middle when a fight over food erupts. Remember the cannibalism?

Chad Crittenden, age 35, Teacher
I am impressed with this man. He lost his leg to a rare form of cancer, and has battled back courageously. We will see if he uses this "disadvantage" to his advantage. A word of caution to the other players... do not underestimate this man! Do not pity him because of what you perceive to be an infirmity. I have known many a one-legged Bedouin who would reach out for a helping hand, then stab you in the back when you pulled him close. Chad has a fire in his eyes that tells me he could be one of these men!

Ami Cusack, age 31, Barista / Model
I did some research on "Barista"... This is a woman who pours you coffee when you go into "Starbuck's"! Oh, you crazy Americans! Other than the fact that she has traveled several places, I see nothing yet that stands out about her. Time will tell...

Chris Daugherty, age 33, Highway Construction
Looks strong as a ox. Works on roads; obviously not afraid to get dirty. He-man kind of guy. Not much else to go on at this point.

Brady Finta, age 33, FBI Agent
Keep this man away from my cousin Hassim!! Mention the letters "FBI", and Hassim hides for a week! Brady has military experience, which should come in handy. I'm sure he knows several ways to kill his fellow contestants in their sleep (always a good thing to know.) Ismira says he reminds her of a certain "Matthew" from the Amazon. I didn't even realize she knew anybody from there...

Rory Freeman, age 35, Housing Case Manager
The only African-American in the game this time around. Looks like a pretty straightforward guy. Has traveled, and has worked with mental disorders and in the corrections field. He should have a talk with my cousin Hassim! If he puts those skills to good use and keeps his wits about him, I predict he will go fairly far in this game.

Mia Galeotalanza, age 30, Finance Manager
I will not even try to pronounce this girl's last name! I'm sure it's missing a hyphen somewhere. Bartender (never been any of those on Survivor before... Ha!), waitress, animal shelter worker. I'm looking for something here, anything... anything.... nope, coming up blank. Maybe she's here so we can watch people mispronounce her name.

Brook Geraghty, age 27, Project Manager
The only thing we know for sure about this guy is that he plays hockey, and a lot of it. Not a lot of hockey where I'm from, and not a lot in Vanuatu, I'll wager. Scratch those skills, unless hitting people with sticks counts. Wait, it just might... He says he's a huge "Survivor" fanatic as well. Does being a fan automatically make you good at something? I guess we'll find out. Nothing else seems to stand out.

Lisa Keiffer, age 44, Real Estate Agent
A former cheerleader who enjoys making soap... Those skills will come in handy! (Yamiin says I am "dripping with sarcasm." I feel perfectly dry.) Maybe she will have a bubbly personality and either rally her tribe, or get herself thrown into the volcano. Either way, it should make for good television. Says she went to the "Final Four" in 1981. She won't make it that far here. But wait, she sells real estate... I think I once bought bought wetlands in Louisiana from her!

John Kenney, age 22, Mechanical Bull Operator / Model
I'll admit, I don't have the slightest idea what operating a mechanical bull has to do with surviving in the wilderness. (And yes, I know what a mechanical bull is. I sold bootleg betamax copies of "Urban Cowboy" for years!) I just don't see anything there that impresses me. This John (whom I will call "Little John") would not last a day on "Survivor: the Sahara"!

Scout Cloud Lee, age 59, Rancher
An elder with a long list of credentials; very impressive. Her insights into human behavior may prove very helpful in this game; we shall see. As we read her information, Ismira introduced me to the phrase "lesbian." I must say, I am unfamiliar with this concept, but when I mentioned it to my cousin Radul, he acquired the most wistful look on his face. I shall have to do more research on this subject!

Lea "Sarge" Masters, age 40, Drill Sergeant
Finally, a contestant with some guts! A man who will yell at people, scream for no apparent reason, and make people hate him. My kind of guy. If he doesn't get voted out early, he might be able to whip the rest of these weaklings into shape. He will be interesting to watch.

Dolly Neely, age 25, Sheep Farmer
Does anybody else but me see the huge amount of "Dolly the Sheep" jokes coming across the horizon? Let me be the first to say I will refrain from the obvious jokes here. That aside, this young lady appears very sweet. This might not work well with the more hard-core contestants. She seems very strong in her faith (the infidel!). If she lets her faith interfere with her ability to get along with those who believe differently (take it from an Arab), they will throw her into the volcano at Tribal Council!

Eliza Orlins, age 21, Pre-Law Student
Obviously a very intelligent girl, from her biography. She says people will underestimate her. In a pre-show interview, she says that because she's beautiful, people won't realize how smart she is. Personally, I think she's underestimating everyone else. Commenting every other sentence about how smart you are doesn't exactly keep it under wraps, now, does it?

Travis "Bubba" Sampson, Loss Prevention
Let's see... "Bubba"... That couldn't be a very common name in America, could it? This guy used to be a professional wrestler. Ismira says there was once another wrestler on "Survivor," but looked nothing like Bubba. I guess wrestlers come in all shapes and sizes. He is a guard at Wal-Mart. Ah, Wal-Mart... Perhaps, one day, I may be privileged to enter those sacred halls. The things I could resell over here!!! But I digress. He is used to manhandling people, so we'll see how well he handles his fellow contestants.

John Palyok, age 31, Sales Manager
Works for Home Depot... Another sacred site on my "Things To Do When I Reach America" list. Ismira says Home Depot was a sponsor last season, so I guess this is a ploy to get them as a sponsor again. What a capitalist, that Mark Burnett! First, Home Depot sends people to the Olympics, now this... Anyway, this John (whom I will call "Big John") looks to have good outdoor skills and Ismira likes his smile. Maybe that's enough...

Leann Slaby, age 35, Research Assistant
Wow! This girl is a natural for the camera! I'd love to see her in a veil! She's a singer and actress (how many Survivor actresses are we up to now, Ismira?) and she enjoys bungee jumping. Well, she's on the right island! She's in the middle of a divorce, they tell me, so we'll see if any inner hostility surfaces during the stress of the game. Ismira is screaming "Jerri Manthey!!" for some unknown reason.

Twila Tanner, age 41, Highway Repair
This determined woman is downright country. Not my country, but country nonetheless. She fixes potholes, runs heavy machinery, and works as a janitor. Plus, she's a single mom. This lady is not afraid of anything! She will go far if she doesn't have a run-in with the "younger, cuter girls." If she does, we'll see a basketful of camel spit, that's for sure! She reminds me of my father-in-law's first wife, the one they call the "Eunuch-maker."

Well, all you Americans, there you have it. Honest Achmed's first impressions of this crazy game called "Survivor: Vanuatu, Islands of Fire." It looks to be a very interesting season. I will continue to monitor the progress as the game continues, and offer my insights, opinions, and advice to everyone still left in the game. In the meantime, let me tell you of some of the wonderful deals I will be offering on future "Survivor" merchandise!!!

Until next time, peace be with you. And remember; no matter how bad things get, always keep your head up! That way, you can see the grenades coming your way...

Honest Achmed

Trader of the Desert Sands

For questions, comments, death threats, or the current whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, contact Honest Achmed: honest_achmed@yahoo.com or Ismira: survivor_ismira@yahoo.com