Islands of Fire and Desire

Ah, yes. With every new season of Survivor comes much desire. The contestants' desire to be the Sole Survivor. Mark Burnett's desire to hit the jackpot. The viewers' desire to see the season progress. My desire to make sweet love down by the fire with Jeff Probst. I guess that last one will never come to be.

For my fans, the desire is typically to see what I think of the new crop of unsuspecting fools that will fight to the death for.. (holds pinkie finger up to mouth) ..one meeeeelllion dollars. Amazingly that is the first time I have EVER used a Dr. Evil reference.

I did a highly scientific and accurate study on all of the castaways to determine how they will fare in this game. Who will get along with who? Who can't touch the final four? Very interesting stuff. I hear that if it's completely accurate, Jeffy will finally ask me out. God I hope I'm right.

I'm going to do this in order of compatibility scores. What are compatibility scores you ask? In order to get the final number you have to combine common interests, what other Survivors share those interests, etc. Very complex stuff. Took me awhile.

Without further ado, here is lucky contestant number one.

TRAVIS SAMPSON - 7
Seven is usually a lucky number, but not in Travis' case. He is so different from the other people in this game, it's going to be difficult to survive. Given that quite a few other people are rabid wolves who are willing to do whatever it takes to win, he just doesn't seem to fit into the mix. Travis' profile indicates a cutthroat attitude, but his video shows something very opposite. I don't think he is stupid or a sheep so unless he can act like he is, Travis isn't going to last with all of the devious alpha males around. He has the most in common with Julie and Leann and has nothing in common with just about everyone else.

CHRIS DAUGHERTY - 9
Poor Chris. He doesn't stand much of a chance either. He behaves like a cutthroat with a comedic edge similar to a Rob Mariano or a Rob Cesternino which would normally be a huge advantage, but I don't see it working with this group. Chris doesn't strike me as the type to sit down and let things go on around him. The only person in the cast that he even has a string of anything in common with is John Kenney and JK isn't going to take a backseat to Chris. He'll have to be at the head of an alliance to make it work. Oh, and Chris and Travis will butt heads if placed on the same tribe.

DOLLY NEELY - 12
I was a little shocked to see Dolly have such a low number. Of course, I root for her because she's my hometown girl so there's bias going on. In Dolly's case, I don't think being uncommon will hurt her. Excuse me for the cheesy comparison, but I think the Shepherdess could make a great sheep. I do think she will play smart, but sweethearts are masters at flying under the radar and I can't see cute little Dolly picking fights with anyone. The only way she'll be taken out before the final four is if she's seen as weak or if she gets into the wrong alliance. Dolly has the most in common with Lea and Leann.

LISA KEIFFER - 17
Lisa would make a great accomplice to the head of a master alliance. I don't see her being at the center herself. In fact, I am drooling over the possibility of a Lisa, John P., Julie, Chad alliance. The main thing she has in common with most of the contestants is a desire to win. A strong desire at that. Common interest-wise, Lisa has the most in common with Rory and I'm very interested to see how they get along. Bottom line, this lady is one to watch.

AMI CUSACK - 17
We have our first completely open lesbian! I have been waiting for this for seven seasons. Ami seems really, really nice. Unfortunately, I'm feeling shades of Hunter and Gina here. You see, Ami has the most in common with Brady who is from the same city as Hunter and has Hunter written all over him. She, along with Brady, would have to get a "nice person" alliance going before any shady plans form into a huge, looming shadow from which no one can escape. It's hard to say if they'd even be on the same tribe though.

JOHN KENNEY - 21
I prefer to call him JK, so I will. I shook my head when I saw his video and read his profile because he is like, so totally like Robb. YES. ROBB. The poor boy has never even watched Survivor. You HAVE to know the show to play the game. There's been too many twists to worry about and so many alliances. JK is either going to annoy the fuck out of someone and get tossed or wind up as someone's pet lamb and get tossed. I think what I'm getting at is that JK is not going to win. He's an alright kid, but not Sole Survivor material.

JOHN PALYOK - 21
No matter how much this man has in common with anyone, he is going to be a player. I watched his pre-show video and was reminded of Brian Heidik. Actually, John seemed more interesting than Brian but they're both snakes nonetheless. If he can keep a low enough profile and avoid alliance leaks, we have a potential winner here. He has the most in common with Chad who, as you will see at the end of this list, is the other man to beat. *gets shivers over a JP/Chad final two*

JULIE BERRY - 21
I'm pretty impressed with Julie from the get-go. She seems focused and determined and very willing to get dirty. The only drawback could be if she turns into a bitch because I do sense a little bit of a hostile attitude in there somewhere. I think she's smart though and with the proper alliance, Julie won't have problems early on. Her numbers show she has the most in common with Brook, so it'll be curious to see if there's any flirting since they ARE both single.

MIA GALEOTALANZA - 22
Mia is kind of borderline naughty/nice. She'd probably be the type to initially swing with the majority and end up on the outside of an alliance. It's not the worst place to be. I did it in an online game and wound up in the final two. Once you do it, you mainly have to be smart and you have to have a lot of patience and determination. If Mia can do that, things could work out in her favor. She has the most in common with Chad, but I have a feeling she'll gravitate towards Brook if they're on the same tribe. Bostonians stick together.

TWILA TANNER - 22
Despite her number twenty-two, I see Twila as an outcast. She seems really sweet, but that doesn't always make you popular in Survivor. If she goes far, it will be a la Lil of Pearl Islands fame, because older women do seem to get dragged to the end on occasion. Twila has the most in common with Leann and as long as she's more of an angel than a devil, there could be some kind of bond there. In any event, there's not much I can read into Twila so I'll know more on September 16th.

SCOUT CLOUD LEE - 25
Scout has quite the resume. Not only that, she's a lesbian also. Of course, unlike Ami, the thought of watching her being intimate with another woman isn't appealing. I define Scout as a major hippie. I could be wrong. If I could think of any Survivor who I might compare her to, it would be Jan from Thailand. Just free spirited and not very strong physically. A perfect sheep. Or a perfect pity boot. That could be Scout's undoing. If she causes her tribe to lose a challenge, she had better hope there's someone REALLY annoying on the tribe. On a strange note, Scout has the most in common with Eliza and I see them as a highly unlikely pair.

RORY FREEMAN - 27
I don't know if I've ever seen a black man as driven to win and as willing to cut throats. He sure isn't Osten. My only concern is that Rory might try too hard. He seems the type who thinks he's smarter game-wise than he actually is. This could play right into a trap set by someone who DOES know their game inside and out. If he's a hard worker and makes himself appealing to potential alliance leaders, Rory could do well. He's not the alliance leader type himself though and I think that hurts him.

BRADY FINTA - 27
*sings* It's time, it's time for Hunter's Revennnnnnge!!
Actually, I would love to see Hunter's Revenge. The Man can't do it himself so he's sending Brady Finta. I like Brady. I really do. He just really has to have some unbelieveable strategy to pull something off. I'm sure in some way it can be done. Unless his tribe consists of himself, Ami, Chris, Eliza, JK, Mia, Scout and Travis. Theoretically, we don't want a Marquesas sequel. If Brady could take down, say, John Palyok, that would be a huge step.

LEA MASTERS - 30
Lea is someone who needs to hook up with Ami and Brady. Heck, his common areas are highest with Chad which makes the possibilities even better. To take that further, Lea and Chad have more in common than any two people in the game. So, advice to Lea, --- hook up with Chad. Further advice would be to be more like Rudy and less like Roger. A toned down Rudy to be exact. Lea has to let someone else be the Sarge for a change and work hard to prove that he's a team player.

BROOK GERAGHTY - 31
Brook is an interesting guy. Especially since he plays hockey in Boston and very likely is friends with Boston Rob. I wonder how he got on the show. Hmmmmm. That said, he probably will PLAY like Boston Rob. This game is different than All Stars though. Mariano had plenty of pawns. They were sheep unlike sheep I have ever witnessed in my life. Dolly would have loved them. Vanuatu is different though. Not a whole lot of sheep to play with. These people are smart. You can't mess with their heads. Brook's best bet is to latch on to an alliance of sweethearts a la Johnny Fairplay and stab them in the back at the first chance.

ELIZA ORLINS - 33
I like this girl and I like her attitude. She's not messing around. Cutthroat is her middle name. Again, she won't lead an alliance but she will definitely be an integral part of one. Eliza stated that she'd play dumb if she had to in order to get far. I think it would be to her advantage to NOT play dumb. Not if she could make a solid alliance. Sure, dimwits get taken far, but a lot of times they're dropped before the final four also, so Eliza has to be smart about that.

LEANN SLABY - 35
Leann is my favorite female in this competition. I didn't even see her pre-show video because RealPlayer was mean to me, but there's something about her I like. I think she could fit in with just about anyone, as her score shows, and I think she's smart enough to make the right allies. She also has the most in common with Chad, so there could be an alliance hookup there.

CHAD CRITTENDEN - 43
Okay. First of all, the guy's last name is the same as the town in which Rodger Bingham of Survivor: Outback lives. How could you NOT like the guy? He has a handicap a la Christy and look how far she got. Chad is laid back, cool, smart, and he has ties to almost everyone in the game. I would be shocked if he didn't at least make the merge. It's time for a guy to win this game again and I think it's gonna come down to Chad or JP. I'm rooting for Chad.

And now for my extended prediction.

Brady, Lea, Scout and Twila will NOT make final four.

Dolly, Eliza, John P and Chad will still be around come Episode 5.

My analysis seems pretty solid on all of this and now I have to wait over two weeks to see if I'm right whatsoever. And I can see if I'll ever get that date with Jeff Probst.

Guys, don't go rushing off to get plastic surgery to look like Jeff Probst. I'd know the real thing if I banged him.

Adios for now and I'll catch ya after the premiere!