FEATURED WRITERS

To All The Non-Believers

So Sandra wins in a very decisive victory over a confused Lill. Why was Lill confused? Well, she wondered why Probst wasn't putting out Sandra's torch for being voted out 6-1.

The end result of 13 episodes of laughing, crying and near-drowning was expected by me but I was pretty fucking happy anyways. Jonny Fairplay is now hated and loved and well, Rupert is just plain loved.

The sad part about it all is that not as many people will remember Sandra - the feisty, loud-mouthed, sabotaging chica that won our hearts and the million dollars. She is a damn fine player and well deserving of a spot on All Stars.

I look forward to seeing Rupie there in a little over a month along with all of the other crazy cats from seasons past.

I will be back with some very interesting and entertaining columns when ASS debuts. Check em out!

How Survivor Represents the US

Click on image for larger view. Complements of: drop73

Survivors map key:

Number of people per city represented by colored points:
Black = 1
Blue = 2-4
Green = 5-9
Yellow = 10-20
Red = 20+

The large red circles represent a 240 mile radius from designated Survivor participating CBS offices according to the current Contestant Application, Section a.

The yellow highlights around selected cities represent the hometowns of Survivor winners.

As of Survivor 7 there have been 112 total Survivors. U.S. states that have been represented in Survivor with their respective counts:
Arizona = 2, Arkansas = 2, California = 17, Colorado = 3, Florida = 5, Georgia = 2, Illinois = 2, Indiana = 2, Kansas = 1, Kentucky = 1, Louisiana = 2, Maine = 1, Maryland = 2, Massachusetts = 7, Michigan = 3, Mississippi = 1, Missouri = 3, Nebraska = 2, Nevada = 1, New Hampshire = 2, New Jersey = 3, New York = 12, North Carolina = 2, Ohio = 1, Oregon = 2, Pennsylvania = 4, Rhode Island = 2, South Carolina = 2, Tennessee = 4, Texas = 8, Utah = 1, Vermont = 1, Virginia = 4, Washington = 2, Washington DC = 1, Wisconsin = 2,

Remaining U.S. states to be represented in Survivor:
Alabama, Alaska, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Idaho, Iowa, Minnesota, Montana, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Dakota, West Virginia, Wyoming.

Final Four Predictions

Final Four Predictions

Well, since I've seen them all up close and personal, since I've gotten a chance to smell their funky B.O., since I've seen them compete in the challenges, and stumble for words in all of the Tribal Councils leading up to this juncture, and since I only get 15 minutes a week inside the inscrutable head of Jeff Probst, I think that now is the time for Final Four predictions.

Because tonight is the night when we crown Survivor:Pearl Islands champion, called by those in-the-know "The Sole Survivor™."

I'll start with the last and finish with the first, or the one who I think's going to take it all. I asked each of them why they felt they deserved to win the game. Their answers are included below.

And now, the predictions ...

Fourth Place
Sandra Diaz-Twine

Odds: 5-2

"So, Sandra, tell me why you deserve to win the game," I asked.

"You know something, Jeff," Sandra said, "Jon shouldn't win because Jon's an ass. Lillian shouldn't win because she's so wishy-washy and she's let everyone turn her head. And with Darrah, it's just not good for business with this chick winning all these immunities. That leaves just me. I've done my best to stay in the game. I've paid attention to what was going on around me. I hid in the bushes and eavesdropped on people. I threw away the fish and let other people take the heat. So even though I have never even come close to winning even one single challenge, I've done all of the things you need to do to win besides getting immunity. So I should win because I have survived."

Third Place
Jon Dalton

Odds: 4-1

"Jon," I said, "Since I'm privy to a lot of things the other castaways aren't, like the Grandmother of all Big Lies, I think there's going to be hell to pay when you get back to the 'real world.' With that in mind, why should you win?"

Jon said, "First off, Jeff, I never said that I 'Play Fair.' I said I'm 'Fair Play.' And I don't play fair. I'm more than just a pretty face, and if the others fell for my lies, then they're just fools. I'm probably going to need some money for the defamation of character lawsuit my grandmother files against me when I get back, so I need to win for that reason. But more than that, no one else on the island has been a master of puppets like I have been. Everything important that's happened out here has happened because of me. To be the man, you have to beat the man. And I'm the last man left. We're hardcore! We're hardcore! We're hardcore! I'm nice!"

Runner-Up
Lillian Morris

Odds: 3-1

"Lillian, the Scoutmaster," I started, "You've already been voted out, then voted back in, and now you can see the money in your sights. Why should the others crown you Sole Survivor?"

"Jeff, I'm a 50-something-year-old woman," Lillian said, "and I'll never have a chance like this again. I'll never live and sleep in the same clothes for 39 days again. I'll never lose fishing hooks that were the only way for my tribe to eat again. I'll never be voted out and then voted back in again, just so I can pay back my tribe for voting me out because I lost the fishing hooks in the first place, and boy is my troop gonna rag on me about that when I get home. I'll never say I won't lie to anyone, and then go and betray Rupert, Tijuana, and Burton. Oh, Jeff, I ache all over. Maybe it's menopause, but I think the money will take away a lot of the pain. You can by a lot of medicine with that. So I should win because I've never done anything like this before in my entire life."

Champeen & Sole Survivor™
Darrah Johnson

Odds: 2-1

I said, "Darrah, you've been a tough competitor this whole time, but lots of tough competitors have been eliminated. Why do you deserve to be the last person left standing?"

"Well, Jeff, Ah kept mah mouth shut an' really didn't say anythin' that might hurt mah chances." Darrah said. "But Ah always thought that if Buhton cudn't win it awl, then Ah shud win it awl. Mah Daddy's gonna buy me chawcalit chip cookies and a boob job fuh Christmiss, so Ah'll be able to spend the money on some really hot clothes that show off mah new clayvidge. And as God is mah witness, Ah'll nevah go hungry agin."

Before I cold really grasp what any of these castaways had really said to me, my fifteen Probstovich minutes were over, and I was headed home until after the series reunion show. But I think I nailed the boot order, and how could I miss, because I was there. I was Jeff. All that remains to prove this point is the broadcast.

Hey, there's still time. Who do you think will win, and why? Comment below.

This is Being Jeff Probstovich. Check in soon for our yearend wrap-up and awards presentation where every castaway™ wins somethin' somethin'!

Diagnosis: Fairplay Fever

Jonny Fairplay has followed in the sacred footsteps of Richard Hatch, Brian Heidik and Rob Cesternino. He has a small group of people believing in him and trusting him when he would gladly shove rusted knives randomly in their backs. Ouchie!

One would think that this type of behavior would sicken people and lead them to question whether JFP is the Anti-Christ. Frankly, it turns me on.

Yes that's right, that cocky bastard gets me hot in all the right places. I never realized it until the episode last night seeing him in silk pajamas ordering filet mignon like a gentleman. One could not realize the power of soft fabric and a slab of tender meat.

I think this was the same affinity I had for Rob Cesternino. To most - a goofy dork, to me - a zany, fine sex machine. JFP has an invitation any time to teach me the finer points of bedroom behavior.

Now, in actual Survivor talk, the girls are only now starting to notice that Jon and Burton are running the show? Well, I'd rather them see it a little late than not see it at all. The plan should be to get rid of Burton the immunity threat first and go on from there. And yes I *am* just saying that because I don't like Burton. Not to mention Jonny must be spared. I need my weekly Fairplay fix.

In fact, I intend to go over my VCR tape of the episode where Fairplay gets naked and break out a bottle of wine and a vibrator and have myself a party for one. I'm telling you I haven't been this turned on since Officer Ken and that was a completely vain obsession. This one has substance. It's beyond me why JFP was not called out for All Stars because he and Rupert are the stars of this show.

I will stop talking about Jonny for now and simply go fantasize about him. Tune in next week where I go over in detail what I want to do to JFP when I get my hands on him.