Final Four Predictions

Odds: 5-2

"So, Sandra, tell me why you deserve to win the game," I asked.

"You know something, Jeff," Sandra said, "Jon shouldn't win because Jon's an ass. Lillian shouldn't win because she's so wishy-washy and she's let everyone turn her head. And with Darrah, it's just not good for business with this chick winning all these immunities. That leaves just me. I've done my best to stay in the game. I've paid attention to what was going on around me. I hid in the bushes and eavesdropped on people. I threw away the fish and let other people take the heat. So even though I have never even come close to winning even one single challenge, I've done all of the things you need to do to win besides getting immunity. So I should win because I have survived."

Odds: 4-1

"Jon," I said, "Since I'm privy to a lot of things the other castaways aren't, like the Grandmother of all Big Lies, I think there's going to be hell to pay when you get back to the 'real world.' With that in mind, why should you win?"

Jon said, "First off, Jeff, I never said that I 'Play Fair.' I said I'm 'Fair Play.' And I don't play fair. I'm more than just a pretty face, and if the others fell for my lies, then they're just fools. I'm probably going to need some money for the defamation of character lawsuit my grandmother files against me when I get back, so I need to win for that reason. But more than that, no one else on the island has been a master of puppets like I have been. Everything important that's happened out here has happened because of me. To be the man, you have to beat the man. And I'm the last man left. We're hardcore! We're hardcore! We're hardcore! I'm nice!"

Odds: 3-1

"Lillian, the Scoutmaster," I started, "You've already been voted out, then voted back in, and now you can see the money in your sights. Why should the others crown you Sole Survivor?"

"Jeff, I'm a 50-something-year-old woman," Lillian said, "and I'll never have a chance like this again. I'll never live and sleep in the same clothes for 39 days again. I'll never lose fishing hooks that were the only way for my tribe to eat again. I'll never be voted out and then voted back in again, just so I can pay back my tribe for voting me out because I lost the fishing hooks in the first place, and boy is my troop gonna rag on me about that when I get home. I'll never say I won't lie to anyone, and then go and betray Rupert, Tijuana, and Burton. Oh, Jeff, I ache all over. Maybe it's menopause, but I think the money will take away a lot of the pain. You can by a lot of medicine with that. So I should win because I've never done anything like this before in my entire life."

Odds: 2-1

I said, "Darrah, you've been a tough competitor this whole time, but lots of tough competitors have been eliminated. Why do you deserve to be the last person left standing?"

"Well, Jeff, Ah kept mah mouth shut an' really didn't say anythin' that might hurt mah chances." Darrah said. "But Ah always thought that if Buhton cudn't win it awl, then Ah shud win it awl. Mah Daddy's gonna buy me chawcalit chip cookies and a boob job fuh Christmiss, so Ah'll be able to spend the money on some really hot clothes that show off mah new clayvidge. And as God is mah witness, Ah'll nevah go hungry agin."