The Tailor of Panama is Closed

Survivor: Pearl Islands started out with a fabulous leisure cruise aboard the luxury sailboat "Rembrandt Van Rheine" through the Golfo de Panama (that's Spanish for Gulf of Panama) heading to Las Isla Perlas. Our cast of chiseled hard-bodies, and token early boot-ees, made their way from Panama City where they were instructed to be ready for a standard press photo-op session. The cast members were told to "dress how they wanted to represent themselves to the world."

Being unaccustomed to the barrage of paparazzi that would accompany their 15 minutes of fame, our cast members clearly showed signs they needed our help. For us, the perfect wardrobe would have been a two-piece casual suit in white linen, complemented by a light blue shirt to match the ocean waters. Taking into account the Panamanian backdrop, it would be most necessary to accessorize our outfit with leather flip-flops, canvas belt and "Brent Black" Panama hat. The classic styling of this outfit masks its tremendous functionality. Our wardrobe says, "I just got back from a 6 month expedition through the Panama Canal," but our face would say, "I traveled first class."

We can feel the tropical breeze as we write this …

The 6-hour tour ended with host Jeff Probst telling our woefully dressed cast members that the game had begun; what they were wearing would be what they would wear for the next 39 days. Egads! Our hearts sunk. Those poor souls, how would they ever survive?

Then Probst, noticing each cast member's choice of clothing, realized his mistake and gave each tribe 100 Balboas (about $100) to shop in the local markets. He ordered the tribes to "walk the plank." Within seconds they had jumped into the water, leaving behind all credit cards and emergency "mad money". Little did the cast members know that "The Plank" was an upscale shopping district at one of the local marinas. Seeing that it would be too much effort to pluck the saltwater-soaked castaways from the water, Probst went back to his freshly shaken martini.

Over the next 20 minutes, we're shocked to see that the castaways are trading $300 Bruno Magli shoes for pineapples and rusty knives. A simple call to the Armani World Headquarters would have had a tailor on-site within a half hour. Andrew Savage, the 40 year-old lawyer from Chicago, should have known that much. They could have converted his couture Armani suit into something more suitable for the local climate - such as a montuno, the traditional Panamanian men's costume that is much simpler than the women's pollera.

Our advice is simple: if you're going to be spending an extended period of time in a tropical location and you plan on shopping in the local markets, try to blend in. Dress as the locals do, shop as the locals do - especially if the locals are shopping on Rodeo Drive in Hollywood.

In this case, however, it seems as though all the tailor shops in Panama had shut down for the local festival of "Fleecing the Game Show Tourists". It's a popular festival that happens when Western television networks send a gaggle of starlets to an island to live in filth for 6 weeks, with the slight chance of winning a million dollar prize.

At the end of the shopping spree we see that none of the cast members had even tried to get beachwear, or supplies to spruce up their new island homes. With 12 more weeks to go, we hope one of the reward challenges involves the sexy carpenter, Ty Pennington, from Trading Spaces.

Until then, we look forward to next week when we examine the living arrangements on the island, including a tantalizing look at our new favorite Abercrombie & Fitch model. We say goodbye to Nicole, whose prom dress was least suitable for the tropical islands, and thus she was voted out of her tribe.

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