Speak Now, Or Hold Your Peace ... until after Tribal Council, Yo!

Nicole Delma, the shapely 24-year-old massage therapist from Hermosa Beach, California, joined the infamous ranks of the "First Boot Club" when she became the initial person cast out of Survivor:Pearl Islands. While she lost her chance at $1 million and the title of Sole Survivor, the hopes of millions of American men seeing those puppies released from that strapless tube dress where dashed against the rocks like the pounding surf. We didn't learn much about Nicole, but danke schein, darling, danke schein, for that dress, what a mess!

Usually, we give castaways a chance to gather themselves before we dive in an start asking pointed questions, but in keeping with the Pearl Islands theme of surprising the players at every turn, we dove right in with Nicole, who was about to take the long walk of shame before we caught up to her.

Being Jeff Probstovich: Nicole, wait up. We have a few questions before you leave the game forever.

Nicole: Sure.

BJP: You were only out here three days, but which was harder for you to deal with? Keeping your dress from falling down our your mouth from opening up?

Nicole: It was definitely a balancing act Jeff, and I guess I didn't keep it balanced. I knew going in that my biggest weakness was going to be keeping my mouth shut. But on the other hand, the dress wasn't all that bad: I cut off the bottom to wrap the fabric around the bottom of my feet to make shoes. For some reason, I was never able to find my real shoes.

BJP (aside): That would be Rupert's fault.

Nicole: Excuse me?

BJP: I said, that would be 'super and all'... if you had kept your shoes. But now that you're the first person booted, always a dubious disctinction on Survivor, do you think your family will take it hard?

Nicole: My family will take it with a grain of salt because they know my personality, so I don't think it will really surprise them. They'll probably be a little pissed that I'll still be living at home because I didn't win any money, but what are parents for anyway?

BJP: It must have been awfully difficult that first night, out here with seven other strangers, sleeping on the beach, and having hermit crabs crawling all up in your dress, huh?

Nicole: I've had crabs before Jeff, but never like that.

BJP: There were a lot of pests and annoyances out there in the Panamanian tropics. What did you find most troubling?

Nicole: That's a good question, but I think it was a toss-up between Tijuana and Ryan. Even with all the mosquitoes, and crabs, and even Osten's plumber's butt, those were the worst things for me.

BJP: What was Tijuana's problem?

Nicole: You tell me. That's what I was trying to figure out. Once you get past that high-pitched voice, scratch the surface and all you find is an irritating person. When I have an opinion about somebody, I just can't seem to keep it in. I just didn't really have the drive to keep my mouth shut for as long as I could, even for a million dollars!

BJP: And what was Ryan's problem?

Nicole: He wanted massages.

BJP: But you're a professional massage therapist.

Nicole: Not massages, Jeff, but -- massages (winks) -- you know. And I didn't have my massage oils. I could be kicked out of the union for practicing without them.

BJP: Which Ryan are we talking about, again? "O" or "S"?

Nicole: Ryan O. I was actually hoping that Ryan S. would have asked me for a massage. Being a massage therapist on the pro beach volleyball tour, I kind of go for tall, lanky guys. But he never approached me. Instead, it was Ryan O. everywhere I turned, step by step, inch by inch, trying to make a move on me.

BJP: Were you mortified that the wrong Ryan was hitting on you?

Nicole: No, that was Darrah?

BJP: What?

Nicole: Darrah was a mortician, not me.

BJP: I meant -- oh well -- skip it. Let's just say that Ryan O. rubbed you the wrong way.

Nicole: And I didn't rub him at all.

BJP: Any regrets, besides not winning the big, big money?

Nicole: Because I had never watched the show before, I didn't really know what to expect. Now that I'm out, I regret not having given Tijuana a real piece of my mind. But you know what, she'll get what's coming to her.

BJP: So payback's a bitch?

Nicole: Or just "a Tijuana."

BJP: Nicole, it's time to go?

She turned and made the long walk out of the game. Who'll be voted out next?

This is Being Jeff Probstovich.