Ryan Shoulders, the lanky 23-year-old grocery clerk from Clarksville, Tennessee, who derisively became known as "Skinny Ryan," was the second person voted out of Survivor: Pearl Islands. He got a raw deal. If Survivor was a meat market, Ryan's lean portion was mistakenly stocked next to all the of the fat -- fatheads -- this is. But maybe it's better if Ryan told us the problem in his own words: it's the Probstovich way to do things.

Ryan was just starting his long walk of shame when we caught up to him. His head was dropped low ... below his shoulders. He looked dejected. Of course, getting booted out will do this to a person, especially someone who came into the game so enthusiastic and eager for the (cue echo chamber) "experience of a lifetime" such as Ryan

Being Jeff Probstovich: Hey Ryan, before you go, we some more questions.

Ryan S: Oh, alright. But I'm so disappointed.

Being Jeff Probstovich: What was the worst part about being ejected from the tribe: being ejected from tribe or having to watch big, tough Osten stay in the tribe when he was such a big wuss when compared to you?

Ryan S: Osten was one of their guys and there was no way they were going to part with him. Physically, he was a wreck and just miserable. He had no clothes and it got cold at night. He got scared of every little thing that went bump in the night. He couldn't sleep and he wasn't getting the calorie intake that he was used to getting. This just wasn't his kind of game. He's a really nice guy, but he's just not a Survivor.

Being Jeff Probstovich: Of course, Ryan, since you're the one voted out, I suppose Osten can say the same about you, no?

Ryan S: (laughs) Doh! You got me!

Being Jeff Probstovich: Darrah might be the most silent Survivor castaway we've ever seen. Since you were there, why did the cat have her tongue? Could she be, possibly, the most boring castaway ever ... or did we miss something?

Ryan S: (laughs) Well, she sure didn't like talking to me. She kept very low, under the radar, and just followed along. She seemed kind of like a nice girl, but she never seemed interested in holding a conversation with me.

Being Jeff Probstovich: On the other hand, you had Tijuana, who didn't seem to have any problem speaking her mind, girlfriend. Be honest, didn't you find her voice just a little grating and somewhat annoying?

Ryan S: Tijuana can be very patronizing and that itself can be annoying. Her voice is just an unpleasant byproduct of that fact.

Being Jeff Probstovich: If you had to choose between Tijuana and Darrah, who would it be?

Ryan S: I'll take the quiet chick every time.

Being Jeff Probstovich: Ryan, I think it was that dolt Andrew, your great leader who started calling you 'Skinny' Ryan, like the proverbial bully, kicking sand in your face. Did you like that nickname, and if we held him down, would you pummel him for a good four or five minutes?

Ryan S: Actually, I don't like the nickname because Andrew was the only one that called me that to my face and you know what kind of relationship we had. I thought it was very interesting that others chose to use the nickname during TC even though they'd never previously referred to me as that. Everyone blindly followed Andrew with any and every decision. Even with all the failures, chaos, and confusion in our tribe, they infallably followed his every word. Look where it got the Morgan tribe so far.

Being Jeff Probstovich: Come clean with us, Lil was really out of her element out there, even as a troop leader. Was she really as loony-toony as she seemed?

Ryan S: Actually, I think she was just playing the game. But then again, lack of food and sleep does wacky things to people. No one could be that looney, could they? Lil's got some craziness in her personality, but that's one of her best qualities, 'cuz she's just so fun. Lil is just so Lil and you gotta love her.

Being Jeff Probstovich: Even though Lil's a married woman, did you catch any island fever and imagine a May-December kind of thing with her -- or even September-October since you weren't there that long -- or was trying to ally with her just strategy?

Ryan S: It was all strategy, though we did exchange numbers after the shooting was over. Who knows?

Being Jeff Probstovich: Speaking of Drake, was it true that Sandra was rude to you all while tearing down your, er, house? Did she curse in Spanish? Did we miss the real fireworks?

Ryan S: (laughs) We told her very specifically and very earnestly that we had laid out all of our items in front of camp for her to take. She spent from thirty minutes to an hour walking around our island trying to find "hidden" stuff. Even after we assured her the limited resources we were able to acquire were already on display. We wanted to get on with our lives, not wait around for her. Especially with that bad attitude and that smug look she had on her grille, like they had more than us or something. Excuse me, but we were all 'shipwrecked!'

Being Jeff Probstovich: Let's play word-association Ryan. You work as a grocery store clerk, so we assume you're very experience with stocking various items on the store shelves. Let's act like your fellow tribe mates were items in a store, tell us what kind of store and where you would stock them. Are you game?

Ryan S: (laughs) Sure, Jeff, I have my price-sticker gun drawn and ready.

Being Jeff Probstovich: OK ... Andrew?

Ryan S: A hardware store. In 'Power Tools' ... just because he is.

Being Jeff Probstovich: Darrah?

Ryan S: A mortician's store, because she's near dead from what I could tell.

Being Jeff Probstovich: How about Nicole?

Ryan S: Victoria's Secret, bikini section. A guy can dream, right?

Being Jeff Probstovich: But then with that blue dress, she didn't leave too much to the imagination, eh Ryan? What about Lillian?

Ryan S: A grocery store. Mixed nuts, and other organic foods.

Being Jeff Probstovich: Osten?

Ryan S: Hmmm, well Andrew's already got the 'tools' section to himself. Osten would be in the protein powder of a health food store, or in the steroids section of a pharmacy. Maybe if they gave him a power shake he would have stopped his whining. He could also be in the underwear section at Abercrombie & Fitch.

Being Jeff Probstovich: Ryan O?

Ryan S: I don't know what kind of store you'd find him, but it would be in the 'generic' section. He did nothing to really stand out to this here grocery clerk.

Being Jeff Probstovich: And Tijuana?

Ryan S: The spice section, under hot peppers. I'm not saying she's a spice girl, but I'm saying she has that kind of personality that's real spicy and makes you want to rinse your mouth out immediately after an encounter.

Being Jeff Probstovich: And I know she wasn't in your tribe, but what about Sandra?

Ryan S: I don't know, I don't think there's a store or an aisle for 'beee-yotch'!

Being Jeff Probstovich: And, of course, you know where they'd stock you if you were an item in a grocery store...

Ryan S: (laughs) Yeah, sure, next to the rice and pasta, in the "limp" noodles section. That's harsh.

Being Jeff Probstovich: What would you like to say to your tribemates after voting you off?

Ryan S: Morons! I hope Drake keeps wiping the beach with them. So there!

Being Jeff Probstovich: Ryan, it's time to go.

He turned and started making the long walk out of the game. Who'll be voted out next?

This is Being Jeff Probstovich.

Posted by Boycaught at September 29, 2003 11:34 PM | TrackBack