Lex van den Berghe: The Skinny

We’re only two weeks into the season, and "Survivor: Pearl Islands" is already delivering.

Last week’s season premiere was terrifically entertaining — and with its decidedly light-hearted tone, it looked like this "Survivor" was shaping up to be more fun than hardcore.

But tribal life in Panama heated up this week — big time. And not because of food or wildlife or the climate — nope, it was all about the people.

Since I’ll be covering the first two weeks of "Survivor: Pearl Islands," why don’t I start with a brief list of episode one highlights and observations:

I loved the market-day launch into the game. It was a perfect combination of "Survivor" and "Amazing Race," and took me right back to my goat-trading days back at Wamba in Africa. I felt for those 16 shell-shocked greenhorns.
Let me tell you, being dropped in the middle of a small village, without command of the local language, and then being told you need to perform certain tasks — that’s the ultimate culture shock. Add to that the stress of opening game day and you have the perfect recipe for wickedly good entertainment.

Rupert "Blackbeard" Boneham made a phenomenal showing. His decision to plunder the personal effects of his opponents and use them for barter was so perfect it almost seemed scripted. (Hmmm, wonder if ol’ Rupert was nudged by a clever producer?)
Speaking of Rupert, I have to say I’ve never known another "Survivor" from any season who was so universally popular with EVERYONE after just one episode.

Rupert is truly beloved — by ALL demographics. I just returned from a trip to Canada (the ultimate "Survivor" fan base), and Blackbeard was the hands-down fave there too. And me? Well, I’m driving the Rupert bandwagon.

The 15 others on this cast live in his huge shadow, and I’m sure more than a few of them are not digging being eclipsed by his larger than life personality and popularity ratings. I’ll bet that if they knew on the island, what they know now, he’d have been the first voted off.

OK, what’s up with the identical Ken-doll beefcake dudes of the Drake tribe? I call it the two-headed Shawn/Burton beast. These guy sare indistinguishable — like Twinkies, two in a pack. The only way I can tell them apart is that Burton has more chest hair than Shawn (oh, and Shawn seems hell-bent on acting like a complete imbecile most of the time).

Jon Dalton, a.k.a. "Jonny Fairplay" (a nickname dating back to his days as an amateur wrestling promoter) can’t distinguish on the beach from on-stage and entertains/tortures his tribe mates by rapid firing crude wisecracks like a potty-mouthed Woody Woodpecker.
Tribe Drake’s self-appointed court jester is not exactly getting rave reviews from his tribe mates either — it seems his sophomoric comedic stylings have already gone stale, and I’m expecting to see Jeff Probst hitting a giant gong at the next tribal council to signal Jonny Nitwit’s ejection from the Pearl islands.

I won’t spend too much time talking about the immunity challenge last week, except to say it was brutal, as is always the tradition for each season’s first challenge. Drake kicked Morgan’s ass, and as if a crushing defeat wasn’t humiliating enough, three of the four Morgan men decided to compete in their birthday suits. (Note of advice to the naked man trio: Don’t hold your breath for the Jenna & Heidi deal.)
This week’s episode
OK, on to this week. The drama kicked in, and the thin veneer of social propriety peeled away, revealing people’s true colors. Some came out looking good. After all, cream usually rises to the top. But that said, dookie also drops to the bottom.

Osten, the ultra-ripped African-American, decided only four days into his Survivor adventure that he was done, and he wanted to go home. It seems he’s chilly, can’t sleep, and is afraid of catching a cold. HUH?! Would you like a mint on your pillow perhaps?

If this crybaby doesn’t find a little courage and grit soon, he’ll end up being the very first "Survivor" EVER to quit the game.

Andrew has shown us that simply being unanimously elected leader doesn’t necessarily mean you’re qualified for the job. He’s been an absolute failure as Morgan’s top dog, missing every opportunity to boost morale and strengthen his team. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was deliberately sabotaging his tribe.

The food situation this season is enough to make a "Survivor Africa" alumni go postal on CBS. This cast seems to be gorging themselves on pounds of fresh fish daily.

I literally sprayed my TV set with a mouthful of beer when I heard Rupert announce that he was "full" and could "eat no more." WHAT?! I suppose there’ll be pie-eating challenges for immunity next.

The Morgan tribe suffered another two devastating losses this week in both the reward and immunity challenges. In an interesting twist this season, Jeff Probst announced that each reward challenge victory granted the winning tribe the right to pillage one item from the opposing tribe.

Not shy about kicking their rivals when they’re down, Drake sent the feisty Sandra over to Morgan’s camp to collect the only valuable item Team Morgan managed to buy at the market — the tarp that made up most of their shelter.

This blow to morale was more than they could handle, and certainly contributed to their immunity challenge defeat and second trip to tribal council.

My boy Ryan Shoulders, the offbeat produce clerk from Tennessee, was sent packing this week thanks to a tribe of spineless dullards who blindly followed the lead of King Andrew and Osten "the Quitter." When they cut what they considered to be the weakest link from their ranks, the Morgan tribe couldn’t see that what Ryan lacked in bulk or brute strength, he more than made up for in spirit, enthusiasm and a positive attitude.

Ryan certainly deserves to still be in the game far more than Osten,who’s spent half the time crying about how much he wants out.

Things don’t look so good for Lillian now, the Boy Scout leader who was Ryan’s only ally in the game, and she could go next.

So far the Drake and Morgan tribes have proven themselves to be textbook examples of the functional and dysfunctional tribe. The folks of Team Morgan seem to be making every possible error imaginable while Drake plays a perfect game.

But the game of "Survivor" can change completely overnight, and roles sometimes flip flop. With three consecutive defeats, the Morgan tribe is taking on water fast but they still have a fighting chance, and if any of them want a shot at the million doubloons they’d better startdoing a little pillaging and plundering of their own.

Contact Lex van den Berghe at lex@santa-cruz.com.