"Ye best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner. You're in one."

So it begins. I have waited all summer to sit in front of my television and be able to see hot young studs, sassy lassies and Hagrid from Harry Potter fame compete to win a one million dollar prize. Mark Burnett did not disappoint me. The premiere could have only been better if whomever was controlling those nasty little censors would have taken the night off. Perhaps someday I will get to see what Osten, Ryan Opray and Andrew are packing.

Here is my beginning of the season run-down of the new cast.

DRAKE TRIBE

This is now officially my favorite tribe ever. It might have something to do with the fact that Hagrid is on the tribe, but no matter. They're one, they're united and they will conquer.

CHRISTA - You know, she really didn't say much. Not your typical blonde Survivor chick though. In a confessional, Christa talked about loving Hagrid, but dude - who doesn't? She seems personable and cute, but I haven't figured out where her alliance might lie YET.

MICHELLE - *conferring with Mark Burnett to make sure Michelle was even IN this epsiode* OH well, my mistake. I will comment on her later.

SANDRA - Way to use a foreign language! Although I must say she did nearly get Trish involved in a massive lesbian orgy. The poor woman wouldn't have known what was going on until the clothes came off and the dildos came out. Sandra became an immediate asset to her tribe and well, wasn't appreciated as much as she SHOULD have been for it. Mamacita has the power you issays!

TRISH - This chick is a MILF! No seriously, Trish is an attractive and sweet lady not to mention athletic which are all excellent qualities in a potential Survivor candidate. My Magic Heart shaped 8 Ball says, "Trish can do it. She can do it all night long." Um. That's not what it was supposed to say, but okay.

JON - I want to love Jonny Foreplay. I really do. (And yes I know its 'Fairplay'. I'm just being a smart ass.) The fact of the matter is though, he has to prove to me that he's a loveable asshole. Silas was a loveable asshole. Jon could be too. The way he was acting when he was drunk though -- not cool.

BURTON/SHAWN - I am including them together in this first column because I don't think you can separate them. I would like to, if only to get in between them in bed. Ahhhh, the possibilities. Honestly, they have to cut out the butt buddy act and include the rest of the tribe because even though two people are not an alliance, it's still threatening.

RUPERT - Hagrid MADE the show. It wouldn't have been half as interesting without him. MB could not have picked a better man to be involved with the pirate theme. The only theme that could have suited him more would have been Survivor: Hogwarts. How cool would that have been? A Quidditch immunity challenge, the Sorcerer's Stone as the immunity idol..... *pauses* ...yes I can be a dork sometimes.

MORGAN

With Captain Morgan aka Andrew at the helm, that may be the only thing saving this tribe from being on a sinking ship. With crabs on top of it all!

DARRAH - The first episode gave me the impression that Burnett may have simply cast Darrah to embalm the bodies of her tribemates after they kill each other.

NICOLE - The stupidest move in the game has never been committed so early. She wasn't in danger. She decided that danger was fun. Boots are a bitch.

TIJUANA - A Nubian princess at her finest. Osten said it. Not me.

LILLIAN - She was actually smart and tattled on the scheming Nicole thus at the very least securing her place in the tribe based on trust. Lil won't be voted out next. Scout's honor.

RYAN S. - I think the S might stand for skeleton after the first few days on the island because the dude doesn't have too much weight to lose. He was actually pretty cute without the glasses but that's besides the point that his bones are probably jutting out of the sand on Morgan's beach right this very moment.

ANDREW/OSTEN/RYAN O. aka The Butt Pirates - So they like to show off their asses? Not that I was bothered by that. They could compete naked all the time and you'd never hear me complain. Especially Osten. *faints* Hot damn. I think I may have caught some jungle fever.

Next week I will get more in depth and a few of the cast members actually get to say something on camera this time which makes it easier for me. In the meantime, I think I'm going to go get some and find a good masseuse. Two essentials in life people.