Welcome to another season of "Being Jeff Probstovich," the column that borrows a concept from a cult movie -- Being John Malkovich -- in order to get into the (fictional) mind of Jeff Probst, the host of the best Reality-TV™ program ever devised, that's right, the grand-daddy of them all, Survivor.

First, our standard spiel...

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Every season in the weeks before the new Survivor starts, shortly after the cast is announced, we die-hard fans are filled with great hope for the new cast, much like baseball fans during spring training. But in the spring, even the lowly, loveable Chicago Cubs have a chance to win it all, and in much the same way, we Survivor fans begin imagining that even the most unlikely members of the new cast will go all the way and become the Sole Survivor. We imagine that this will be the best-looking, smartest, most interesting and most entertaining cast we've ever seen in Survivor history.

And then, finally, the show premieres, on a Thursday night, right before CSI:Crime Scene Investigation. Jeff starts the show with his now-standard schtick: "Sixteen Americans are about to begin the adventure of a lifetime..." And by end of that first broadcast, we say to ourselves: For crying out loud, this cast is even dumber than the last. If this is the adventure of a lifetime, take my life, please.

Over the next 13 weeks, we watch in dumbfounded amazement as, one by one, each of the castaways violates all of the Survivor rules they should have learned before even stepping foot in camp.
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Well, have you ever wanted to ask one of your favorite Castaways™, yeah, the one who just got kicked out the tribe, "What the f*ck heck were you thinking out there?"

Well, worry no more. We'll do it for you.

Here at BJP Headquarters, out in the boonies of the rapidly deteriorating Silicon Valley, in a place where The Terminator may become the next governor of the state -- a story that defies even Reality TV™ -- we'll ask each newly-booted castaway just those kinds of obnoxious questions, and many more. We'll even out-Chen Julie Chen in our cheesiness ... in our minds, of course, but is it really possible to be cheesier than Julie Chen?

Our goal here at BJP is to uncover the story that should have been going on between the lines, beneath the surface, and between the sheets ... er, well, there are no sheets in Survivor, but don't you think some of these castaways wish there were? Here on BJP, we will reveal the unspoken stories of petty jealousy, childish envy, and outright contempt that we believe were left on Mark Burnet's editing room floor ... for the sake of political correctness, improved ratings, or maybe because they never really happened.

If Survivor were a dog, we are the folks who hear the ultra-high-frequency dog whistle that's constantly blown during the show. (You know, they say that on the Internet, no one knows if you're a dog. We will put that bromide to the test.)

Along the way, we might just give you a little intel that will point the way to the eventual winner. You never know.

This is Survivor baby. It ain't Big Brother and two totally fake fat chicks going to the finals. And it sure ain't Cupid, and a bunch of frat boys trying to date a hot babe who dreams about starting America's next dysfunctional family. This game is about three simple rules: outwit, outplay, and outlast.

And if you think that people who lose their chance at $1 million -- and a lifetime of fifth-tier celebrity fame -- leave the game happily, then you have another thing coming. (All of that gets edited out.)

The only place where you can get (fictionally) real insight into the players is at right here at Probstovich. We are freakin' Jeff Probst yo!

Here's how it works:

After the premiere episode, check in every Monday -- or Tuesday, if we've been out partying -- for a faux interview with the latest castaway voted off, remixed from their actual words.

And on Thursdays -- day-of-show -- check for our short preview on who we think ought to be booted.

In just a few more hours, the game will begin. And 90 minutes later, we'll meet the first castaway voted out of Survivor:Pearl Islands, and it will be a member of the Morgan tribe. Trust us on this.

This is Being Jeff Probstovich.